Who are we men?
One might hope by 2020 we males would have evolved to accept what most females have always known. We humans are social beings needing connection to survive and thrive. In fact, we could posit that males and females have the same basic needs. Yet, we continue to feel a need to prove our manhood to other adult males and sometimes even to our male children. It is no secret to most females that most of our behavior is designed to impress other males. It often seems as if other males, not females, have the power to determine our worth or lack of same. This is true of heterosexual and gay males. Heterosexual males often spend enormous energy attempting to attract females for sexual intimacy while looking to other males to determine their worth.
Males recognize at some deep level that bonding/having an intimate relationship has very little to do with sex or sexuality. Intimacy is about being accepted; being a part of. Given our history of sexism the most important relationships of even most heterosexual males are the ones with mates at school, those with whom they serve in the military, with whom they hunt or fish, or with whom they work. Although there may be competition and attempts to prove oneself if one can be part of group or team of males, one will feel good about himself. The term “good old boys” usually refers to a very tight knit group of males who all know the rules for acceptable behavior and hold on to the power base. Many men often claim they do not understand the thinking and behavior of women. The stereotype is women change their mind, are open with emotions without allowing them to keep them from completing a task, are more likely to make relationships and not tasks primary, physically can endure not only pregnancy and childbirth but breastfeeding, little sleep, maintaining a home, working as a professional, and remembering to pick up the cleaning. They will walk thousands of miles with young children to protect children and/or to escape abuse and often keep a positive outlook.
We men, on the other hand, unless forced into these care taking roles, are near death when we get a common cold or some “minor physical injury. We are fearful of many of our emotions (even our anger often frightens us), need our play time with the boys and expect the females in our lives to be responsible for remembering and purchasing gifts for birthdays and other important dates. Often we men will make our toys a primary item in the family budget and complain to other men about the controlling nature of female partners.
Obviously stereotypes are very limiting and dangerous. Many males are emotionally strong, loving, sharing individuals who want and expect a partnership with the women or men in their lives. On the other hand, many females in their attempt to be given fair and equal treatment have fallen into the trap of adopting behavior which copies the traditional masculine role.
We males have a responsibility to explore with each other who we are and how we want to be in relationship with males and females in our lives. We need to help each other identify the questions, the answers to which will help us raise males whose internalized self-esteem is based on accepting the strength of vulnerability, the power of working as partners with the females and males in our lives, the courage to identify and own our strengths and talents and to appreciate the same in others. We need to learn that vulnerability is strength, that sex is an expression of love and not a shortcut to intimacy without having to connect emotionally. We need to believe that it takes courage and strength to reject the idea that we need to be better than, physically stronger than, richer than, and have phallic symbols whose size determine our status. We need to accept what all the rest of nature seems to know; it is enough to be us.
Obviously our daughters need to be taught essentially the same. They need to be taught that do not need to compete with other females, do not need a man although they do need the sperm of a male if they want children, deserve equal pay for equal work, and do not need to be competitive to earn a living or to be good managers.
We all need to learn that child care is a job which is worth a very good salary; that we do not need stuff or a large house to be a showcase for our stuff; that entertaining family and friends worked well in the farm kitchens of some of our grandparents, that we are part of a global economy and increasingly a universal economy, that we do not need to wait for retirement and, in fact may not need to retire; that there are no shortcuts to a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.
Written July 20, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
C oachpickett.org
One might hope by 2020 we males would have evolved to accept what most females have always known. We humans are social beings needing connection to survive and thrive. In fact, we could posit that males and females have the same basic needs. Yet, we continue to feel a need to prove our manhood to other adult males and sometimes even to our male children. It is no secret to most females that most of our behavior is designed to impress other males. It often seems as if other males, not females, have the power to determine our worth or lack of same. This is true of heterosexual and gay males. Heterosexual males often spend enormous energy attempting to attract females for sexual intimacy while looking to other males to determine their worth.
Males recognize at some deep level that bonding/having an intimate relationship has very little to do with sex or sexuality. Intimacy is about being accepted; being a part of. Given our history of sexism the most important relationships of even most heterosexual males are the ones with mates at school, those with whom they serve in the military, with whom they hunt or fish, or with whom they work. Although there may be competition and attempts to prove oneself if one can be part of group or team of males, one will feel good about himself. The term “good old boys” usually refers to a very tight knit group of males who all know the rules for acceptable behavior and hold on to the power base. Many men often claim they do not understand the thinking and behavior of women. The stereotype is women change their mind, are open with emotions without allowing them to keep them from completing a task, are more likely to make relationships and not tasks primary, physically can endure not only pregnancy and childbirth but breastfeeding, little sleep, maintaining a home, working as a professional, and remembering to pick up the cleaning. They will walk thousands of miles with young children to protect children and/or to escape abuse and often keep a positive outlook.
We men, on the other hand, unless forced into these care taking roles, are near death when we get a common cold or some “minor physical injury. We are fearful of many of our emotions (even our anger often frightens us), need our play time with the boys and expect the females in our lives to be responsible for remembering and purchasing gifts for birthdays and other important dates. Often we men will make our toys a primary item in the family budget and complain to other men about the controlling nature of female partners.
Obviously stereotypes are very limiting and dangerous. Many males are emotionally strong, loving, sharing individuals who want and expect a partnership with the women or men in their lives. On the other hand, many females in their attempt to be given fair and equal treatment have fallen into the trap of adopting behavior which copies the traditional masculine role.
We males have a responsibility to explore with each other who we are and how we want to be in relationship with males and females in our lives. We need to help each other identify the questions, the answers to which will help us raise males whose internalized self-esteem is based on accepting the strength of vulnerability, the power of working as partners with the females and males in our lives, the courage to identify and own our strengths and talents and to appreciate the same in others. We need to learn that vulnerability is strength, that sex is an expression of love and not a shortcut to intimacy without having to connect emotionally. We need to believe that it takes courage and strength to reject the idea that we need to be better than, physically stronger than, richer than, and have phallic symbols whose size determine our status. We need to accept what all the rest of nature seems to know; it is enough to be us.
Obviously our daughters need to be taught essentially the same. They need to be taught that do not need to compete with other females, do not need a man although they do need the sperm of a male if they want children, deserve equal pay for equal work, and do not need to be competitive to earn a living or to be good managers.
We all need to learn that child care is a job which is worth a very good salary; that we do not need stuff or a large house to be a showcase for our stuff; that entertaining family and friends worked well in the farm kitchens of some of our grandparents, that we are part of a global economy and increasingly a universal economy, that we do not need to wait for retirement and, in fact may not need to retire; that there are no shortcuts to a healthy relationship with ourselves and others.
Written July 20, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
C oachpickett.org
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