Who do we want to be as males?
Recently I listed a number of challenging questions which females have been saying we male need to explore even as females are exploring who they want to be in relationship to themselves, each other, males and the world at large. The first of these questions is a general one about who we want to be as males. We can easily, I am sure, think of a number of descriptive or prescrepticve adjectives or phrases which we males have heard from the time we were young. The words or terms may vary depending on our cultural and ethnic background, but all they are very similar.
Some of these words/phases are:
I am sure that each reader could easily add to this list. The point is that many of us have more choices than ever. Taking care of immediate survival needs does not always have to dictate our roles. We also no longer have the option of justifying strict role assignments based on gender. Science and a vocal consensus have destroyed many of the old arguments. Many of us find ourselves still uncomfortable with going outside the prescribed roles of our religion or community. This seems true for both males and females. As a male who is a father and an elder it is my responsibility to take the lead in openly exploring my role in the community. Another way of looking at this issue is to ask what I want my legacy to be. If I was writing my obituary what would I be leaving of which I am proud?
It is clear that we have to make some difficult choices. I cannot spend 80 or 90% of my waking hours earning a living and be a present coparent and partner. I cannot ignore the fact that I am a sexual being who needs connection but it is not okay to objectify other people. I cannot be the consummate handy person and attend all the events in which other family members are involved. I cannot be non-violent and expected to serve in combat. There are no easy solutions or any way to be all things to all people. What I can do is to have serious, thoughtful conversations with the males in my life and we can have thoughtful conversations with the females in our life. As is always true , identifying the questions we need to ask is the first step toward emotional and spiritual growth. What we should not do is to expect the females in our lives to push us to open this conversation.
This issue of who we are as males is not related to sexual orientation, profession or job. These issues are important for all of us is we are to build healthy relationships with self and others.
Written December 11, 2018
Recently I listed a number of challenging questions which females have been saying we male need to explore even as females are exploring who they want to be in relationship to themselves, each other, males and the world at large. The first of these questions is a general one about who we want to be as males. We can easily, I am sure, think of a number of descriptive or prescrepticve adjectives or phrases which we males have heard from the time we were young. The words or terms may vary depending on our cultural and ethnic background, but all they are very similar.
Some of these words/phases are:
- Tough
- Strong
- Not like females/not like a girl.
- Virile
- Unafraid
- Unemotional
- Sports minded.
- A good provider
- Head of the family
- Always ready to perform sexually.
- Dependable.
- Trustworthy but what she does not know will not hurt her.
- Honest but business is business
- Romantic
- Handy with tools and as home repair person
- A present father.
- Not too soft
- Partner
- Co-parent
- Not violent but don’t let anyone walk all over you.
- Ready to fight and protect
- Non-violent at home
- A good communicator about sports, business, hunting and other male domains.
- Unless one is a wordsmith stingy with words in the family – not like chattering women.
- A griller at home but a chef at work.
- A tailor or designer professionally, but unable to sew on a button at home.
- Well or sick. A cold can weaken the strongest man and leave him disabled.
- Spiritual head of the family, but not fond of attending church or interested in religious matters unless one is dictating rules or himself a philosopher or theologian.
- Involved community member
I am sure that each reader could easily add to this list. The point is that many of us have more choices than ever. Taking care of immediate survival needs does not always have to dictate our roles. We also no longer have the option of justifying strict role assignments based on gender. Science and a vocal consensus have destroyed many of the old arguments. Many of us find ourselves still uncomfortable with going outside the prescribed roles of our religion or community. This seems true for both males and females. As a male who is a father and an elder it is my responsibility to take the lead in openly exploring my role in the community. Another way of looking at this issue is to ask what I want my legacy to be. If I was writing my obituary what would I be leaving of which I am proud?
It is clear that we have to make some difficult choices. I cannot spend 80 or 90% of my waking hours earning a living and be a present coparent and partner. I cannot ignore the fact that I am a sexual being who needs connection but it is not okay to objectify other people. I cannot be the consummate handy person and attend all the events in which other family members are involved. I cannot be non-violent and expected to serve in combat. There are no easy solutions or any way to be all things to all people. What I can do is to have serious, thoughtful conversations with the males in my life and we can have thoughtful conversations with the females in our life. As is always true , identifying the questions we need to ask is the first step toward emotional and spiritual growth. What we should not do is to expect the females in our lives to push us to open this conversation.
This issue of who we are as males is not related to sexual orientation, profession or job. These issues are important for all of us is we are to build healthy relationships with self and others.
Written December 11, 2018
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