Who is in charge?
It seems easy for many of we humans to tell ourselves and anyone else that will listen that we would be fine if we just did not have so many demands on our time. This may be true because we have locked ourselves into this prison of commitments. The concept of choice may seem, at best, like a distance cousin who has little voting power in our lives. The causes for this may be numerous including:
· We have overcommitted ourselves and now feel a strong responsibility to honor those commitments.
· We hate admitting to someone that we cannot do what we have previously committed to doing. We may hate this because:
o We do not want to burden the person upon whose shoulders the task will fall if we say we cannot do it.
o We do not like admitting that we have limits.
o We do not want to admit that we made a mistake.
· We may have designed our life or a portion of our lives around a certain number of commitments. When something unexpected occurs such as death or the illness of a loved one we find we have left no room or energy to “fit” this unexpected event into our schedule.
· We have divided our lives into tasks and relationships. If we are doing a task the focus cannot be on the relationship. For example, many people, including me, have been greatly comforted by the presence of others during the initial phase of grief. In the midst of my grief I have shared tears, laughter and great joy. Another example may be a decision to visit with family while incidentally fixing dinner.
· We find ourselves in an unexpected, isolated position such as, for example, our partner/spouse suddenly dies leaving us to raise five children all alone and there is not much life insurance, if any at all. We have isolated ourselves and do not have the support system we now need.
· We are working for a boss or a company which consistently expects a pound of flesh before morning coffee and the whole body by the end of the day. Some of John Grisham’s early novels vividly portray the decision to sell one’s soul to a high-powered law firm for the so-called security of a high salary. Of course, not all of us have many choices regarding jobs. We may, for a variety of reasons, only have the training or ability to perform certain jobs.
· We have an enormous list of “shoulds.” For example, I should always have a clean house. I should always fix gourmet, interesting, healthy meals for the family. I should be a good friend to everyone I know. I should be an exceptional employee. I should have the perfect body. I should exercise for 1 ½ hours a day. I should keep the lawn perfectly manicured. I should do volunteer work.
I should satisfy my partner’s ambitious to live in a very expensive house.
I should make sure I send my children to an expensive private school.
I should ….
Obviously, most of us could, I am sure, add to this list. There are so many reasons why we feel as if we have no choices and life is now happening to us. In truth, there are situations where none of the choices to reduce the commitment seem like good choices. I am sure that single parents who can only find a job which forces them to work the afternoon shift cannot think of any way to reduce their stress. There may not be relatives or close, healthy friends who can help. If one is living in subsidized housing one may have many restrictions. One did not plan one one’s partner/spouse dying, being an abusive person or having a chronic, progressive illness such as addiction.
Much of the time, however, we all have choices. These may include:
· Being willing to sell our house, possibly at a loss, and reduce other expenses. In other word, we may have to rethink our priorities. The man and woman who started Habitat for Humanity gave up a high paying, stressful jobs, sold their expensive house and changed their entire story.
· Setting clear priorities and letting go of some of the “shoulds.” One may have to have a decently clean house which looks lived in and not one which is ready to be a show house all the time.
· Asking for help.
· Quitting a volunteer job or community commitment despite the fact that one “promised” to get it done.
· Asking for a job change to one which has less responsibility.
· Allowing the children to attend public school or make other changes.
· Accepting help from relatives even though one “swore” one would never do that.
· Reminding oneself that one has and is currently making choices.
This last one is probably one of the most important reminders for all of us. In most cases, we can decide what is important and the daily legacy we want to leave. If we have a system for identifying the choices and we are making and re-examining them in light of our core values we will immediately feel less stressful. The prison in which we find ourselves may be one of our choosing. Today I know, for example, that I have X units of energy. I just agreed to see a client today and one tomorrow. I may have other client calls or emails to which I want to respond. If I have allocated all of the X units of energy already, I am going to have to eliminate some tasks form my list for today and tomorrow. Then I may need to remind myself that based on my value system I am not going to get certain tasks done. In my case, the house may not get a thorough cleaning or I change my menu for company for tomorrow. If I try to do everything I may be a poor listener/helper with clients and grumpy with dinner company tomorrow. Doing a poor job with clients and being grumpy with company is not acceptable in the value system which I have chosen.
For me, there is a lot of freedom in knowing that I make choices. When I blame other people, places or things for being overwhelmed or grumpy I am having no freedom because I have no control over others.
Today I will smile and remind myself that I am making choices based on my chosen value system.
Written July 22, 2017
It seems easy for many of we humans to tell ourselves and anyone else that will listen that we would be fine if we just did not have so many demands on our time. This may be true because we have locked ourselves into this prison of commitments. The concept of choice may seem, at best, like a distance cousin who has little voting power in our lives. The causes for this may be numerous including:
· We have overcommitted ourselves and now feel a strong responsibility to honor those commitments.
· We hate admitting to someone that we cannot do what we have previously committed to doing. We may hate this because:
o We do not want to burden the person upon whose shoulders the task will fall if we say we cannot do it.
o We do not like admitting that we have limits.
o We do not want to admit that we made a mistake.
· We may have designed our life or a portion of our lives around a certain number of commitments. When something unexpected occurs such as death or the illness of a loved one we find we have left no room or energy to “fit” this unexpected event into our schedule.
· We have divided our lives into tasks and relationships. If we are doing a task the focus cannot be on the relationship. For example, many people, including me, have been greatly comforted by the presence of others during the initial phase of grief. In the midst of my grief I have shared tears, laughter and great joy. Another example may be a decision to visit with family while incidentally fixing dinner.
· We find ourselves in an unexpected, isolated position such as, for example, our partner/spouse suddenly dies leaving us to raise five children all alone and there is not much life insurance, if any at all. We have isolated ourselves and do not have the support system we now need.
· We are working for a boss or a company which consistently expects a pound of flesh before morning coffee and the whole body by the end of the day. Some of John Grisham’s early novels vividly portray the decision to sell one’s soul to a high-powered law firm for the so-called security of a high salary. Of course, not all of us have many choices regarding jobs. We may, for a variety of reasons, only have the training or ability to perform certain jobs.
· We have an enormous list of “shoulds.” For example, I should always have a clean house. I should always fix gourmet, interesting, healthy meals for the family. I should be a good friend to everyone I know. I should be an exceptional employee. I should have the perfect body. I should exercise for 1 ½ hours a day. I should keep the lawn perfectly manicured. I should do volunteer work.
I should satisfy my partner’s ambitious to live in a very expensive house.
I should make sure I send my children to an expensive private school.
I should ….
Obviously, most of us could, I am sure, add to this list. There are so many reasons why we feel as if we have no choices and life is now happening to us. In truth, there are situations where none of the choices to reduce the commitment seem like good choices. I am sure that single parents who can only find a job which forces them to work the afternoon shift cannot think of any way to reduce their stress. There may not be relatives or close, healthy friends who can help. If one is living in subsidized housing one may have many restrictions. One did not plan one one’s partner/spouse dying, being an abusive person or having a chronic, progressive illness such as addiction.
Much of the time, however, we all have choices. These may include:
· Being willing to sell our house, possibly at a loss, and reduce other expenses. In other word, we may have to rethink our priorities. The man and woman who started Habitat for Humanity gave up a high paying, stressful jobs, sold their expensive house and changed their entire story.
· Setting clear priorities and letting go of some of the “shoulds.” One may have to have a decently clean house which looks lived in and not one which is ready to be a show house all the time.
· Asking for help.
· Quitting a volunteer job or community commitment despite the fact that one “promised” to get it done.
· Asking for a job change to one which has less responsibility.
· Allowing the children to attend public school or make other changes.
· Accepting help from relatives even though one “swore” one would never do that.
· Reminding oneself that one has and is currently making choices.
This last one is probably one of the most important reminders for all of us. In most cases, we can decide what is important and the daily legacy we want to leave. If we have a system for identifying the choices and we are making and re-examining them in light of our core values we will immediately feel less stressful. The prison in which we find ourselves may be one of our choosing. Today I know, for example, that I have X units of energy. I just agreed to see a client today and one tomorrow. I may have other client calls or emails to which I want to respond. If I have allocated all of the X units of energy already, I am going to have to eliminate some tasks form my list for today and tomorrow. Then I may need to remind myself that based on my value system I am not going to get certain tasks done. In my case, the house may not get a thorough cleaning or I change my menu for company for tomorrow. If I try to do everything I may be a poor listener/helper with clients and grumpy with dinner company tomorrow. Doing a poor job with clients and being grumpy with company is not acceptable in the value system which I have chosen.
For me, there is a lot of freedom in knowing that I make choices. When I blame other people, places or things for being overwhelmed or grumpy I am having no freedom because I have no control over others.
Today I will smile and remind myself that I am making choices based on my chosen value system.
Written July 22, 2017
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