Who is the parent?
In an ideal world, prior to becoming a parent, every person would have to pass a test to determine if they were emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and even financially able to care for a child. Finances is probably the least important of these, although I would pray that every parent has the means or access to decent housing, healthy food, health care and a healthy supportive family. As we know one can be relatively poor financially and still provide a safe, loving home. The movie “A Christmas Carol” reminds one that Tiny Tim’s family was far richer than Scrooge.
Of course, it is not an ideal world and many children are born to parents struggling with addiction, untreated mental illness and a long list of unresolved emotional issues from their own childhood. As they become adults, the children will need to shop for and use healing tools if they do not want to keep repeating the often multi-generational issues.
Of course, no parent is perfect and can give their children all the tools they need to design and execute a healthy life dance. As children begin to approach the age of adulthood, ideally they will dump all they have learned about themselves, each other and the world onto a large table and one by one scientifically examine each item. An alcoholic parent may have, for example, convinced the child they were responsible for all the negative situations or events in their family. The child may have “heard”, over and over again and come to believe they are worthless and bad; that the world would have been better off if they were not born. The child may have attempted to be the person that would please their parent only to fail again and again. Eventually the child may develop an anxiety disorder, depression or some other mental illness. Yet, nothing makes their home safe or predictable.
As the adult examines each one of these parent messages, they need to assume the role of an internalized healthy parent who can correct the lies and build a safe, loving home for themselves. If they do not do this they are likely to recreate a home which is similar to the one in which they grew up. They are likely to continue to repeat the lies they learned about themselves, each other and the world and, thus, sabotage any potential happiness. to stay on high alert to be ready for the next disaster, and to dump stored anger on themselves and loved ones.
This process requires some basic tools which one may gather from books, support groups, a therapist, a 12 step group which includes a sponsor, or other wise teachers/mentors. From the sources they will begin to comprise a basic set of truths and guidelines including:
Written November 7, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
In an ideal world, prior to becoming a parent, every person would have to pass a test to determine if they were emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and even financially able to care for a child. Finances is probably the least important of these, although I would pray that every parent has the means or access to decent housing, healthy food, health care and a healthy supportive family. As we know one can be relatively poor financially and still provide a safe, loving home. The movie “A Christmas Carol” reminds one that Tiny Tim’s family was far richer than Scrooge.
Of course, it is not an ideal world and many children are born to parents struggling with addiction, untreated mental illness and a long list of unresolved emotional issues from their own childhood. As they become adults, the children will need to shop for and use healing tools if they do not want to keep repeating the often multi-generational issues.
Of course, no parent is perfect and can give their children all the tools they need to design and execute a healthy life dance. As children begin to approach the age of adulthood, ideally they will dump all they have learned about themselves, each other and the world onto a large table and one by one scientifically examine each item. An alcoholic parent may have, for example, convinced the child they were responsible for all the negative situations or events in their family. The child may have “heard”, over and over again and come to believe they are worthless and bad; that the world would have been better off if they were not born. The child may have attempted to be the person that would please their parent only to fail again and again. Eventually the child may develop an anxiety disorder, depression or some other mental illness. Yet, nothing makes their home safe or predictable.
As the adult examines each one of these parent messages, they need to assume the role of an internalized healthy parent who can correct the lies and build a safe, loving home for themselves. If they do not do this they are likely to recreate a home which is similar to the one in which they grew up. They are likely to continue to repeat the lies they learned about themselves, each other and the world and, thus, sabotage any potential happiness. to stay on high alert to be ready for the next disaster, and to dump stored anger on themselves and loved ones.
This process requires some basic tools which one may gather from books, support groups, a therapist, a 12 step group which includes a sponsor, or other wise teachers/mentors. From the sources they will begin to comprise a basic set of truths and guidelines including:
- Children do not cause and cannot fix their parent’s unhappiness,. Mental illness, addiction or other issues.
- If children have a disease or condition such as autism they are not responsible for their condition or the resultant behavior. They are not bad.
- Parents with an illness or a lack of knowledge about how to change their life dance are not bad people or unworthy.
- All people deserve love and respect.
- All people deserve a home which is physically and emotionally safe; a home in which it is safe to relax.
- It is safe and necessary to let go of the sick and/or negative parent one has internalized and whose voice gets confused with one’s own adult voice.
- No matter what habits of thinking and behavior one has developed , one can change them. Change is hard work and takes consistent practice of the new habits of thinking and behavior.
- If a parent or other person is not healthy enough to treat one with love and respect one needs to set clear boundaries/limits on contact.
- The better one takes care of oneself emotionally, nutritionally, spiritually and physically the easier it is to change habits of thinking and behavior.
- There is no shame in asking for and receiving assistance from health care professionals.
Written November 7, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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