Whose truth?
How is it that my truth seems the truth? How often do we hear ourselves say? “These are the facts. That is what happened.” It seems very important that others validate ‘the facts’ which are very clear in our mind. If others or even one particular other refuses to do this then we may feel as if they are calling us a liar or deliberately trying to make us doubt our ability to function.
Sometimes there is a way to validate what happened – at least on the surface. If an event has been recorded via a camera or in some other format we can check our “facts” against that recording. Of course, even if that is the case, the recording does not tell us much about the intent of the person who did something.
When two or more people disagree and one or both feel disrespected or not believed, hurt feelings can ensue. Many will deal with their hurt feelings by discounting the other person - often name calling. It can be very difficult to retreat from this defensive, angry space. Trust has been shattered and will not be easily restored. Often one cannot help but question whether the other person cares or respects one. The original issue has now been overshadowed by all that has happened in the futile effort to address the original issue.
There are many factors which make we humans particularly vulnerable to such hurtful interactions. These include:
· Various factors which affect the speed and reliability of our memories – the event, the sequences and the perception of the intent. Particular brain differences, medical issues and many other factors can affect our memory.
· The history of our relationship to the feedback in our brain which tells us what we did or saw. If, for example, my history is to say that “I think I saw or heard X,” then I am less likely to get into a heated argument about ‘the facts.’ If, on the other hand, my history is that I implicitly trust the feedback from my brain ‘recording’ I may find it very difficult to allow for the possibility of there being more than one version of “the facts.”
· The extent to which each of us are comfortable with the possibility that our memory may be vastly different than that of another person.
· The extent to which each of us are comfortable admitting that we may have acted or spoken without giving our action or spoken word much thought.
· The extent to which one or both of us feel embarrassed by our words or actions.
· The history and habits which each of us brings to any situation. If our history includes others deliberately lying to us we may have a very strong emotional reaction to what seems to be a lie, an exaggeration or a deliberate insult.
· The willingness or ability to accept the behavior of the other as human and, thus, very forgivable.
· Whether a person feels or believes it is safe to forgive. If it seems the negative behavior of the other is just one more instance of a pattern – a pattern over which one has decided “they should have more control” – it may seem forgiving is saying it is okay to continue that behavior.
It seems to me that the extent to which each of us can consider the above factors will determine how we eventually let go of or hold on to anger, hurt, fear and distrust. We all need to know that those which whom we have a close relationship can accept and love us as the wonderful, creative, flawed humans that we are. If, however, someone consistently crosses a bottom line than we may not be able to continue a relationship. One does need to be very cautious and intentional about what constitutes the “lines in the sand.” Behavior which may cross the line may include:
· The use of physical force/violence.
· Repeated violations of basic relationship contract. For some couples this may mean other sexual relationships, i. e., consistently avoiding shared decision making in areas which both have agreed are to be joint.
· A significant change in one’s life dance of one which is inconsistent with the core values of the other. For example, one joining a terrorist organization might make it impossible for the other to continue.
· Constant criticism of the other.
· A refusal of a partner to get help for a mental illness, addiction or some other condition which affects the ability to function as partners or puts the family at risk.
In my mind there are not many bottom lines. I want to be careful to insure that I do not expand the list of bottom lines in an attempt to force another person to behave the way I want or feel I need for them to behave. I also want to be especially careful about thinking that I ‘need’ to ‘win’ discussions because I am ‘right’ and the other person is ‘wrong.’ Obviously, relationships take a lot of work, patience, forgiveness and a ton of unconditional love. If I do not want to have to practice these ‘virtues’ I may need to resign myself to not having any close relationships.
Written August 11, 2016
How is it that my truth seems the truth? How often do we hear ourselves say? “These are the facts. That is what happened.” It seems very important that others validate ‘the facts’ which are very clear in our mind. If others or even one particular other refuses to do this then we may feel as if they are calling us a liar or deliberately trying to make us doubt our ability to function.
Sometimes there is a way to validate what happened – at least on the surface. If an event has been recorded via a camera or in some other format we can check our “facts” against that recording. Of course, even if that is the case, the recording does not tell us much about the intent of the person who did something.
When two or more people disagree and one or both feel disrespected or not believed, hurt feelings can ensue. Many will deal with their hurt feelings by discounting the other person - often name calling. It can be very difficult to retreat from this defensive, angry space. Trust has been shattered and will not be easily restored. Often one cannot help but question whether the other person cares or respects one. The original issue has now been overshadowed by all that has happened in the futile effort to address the original issue.
There are many factors which make we humans particularly vulnerable to such hurtful interactions. These include:
· Various factors which affect the speed and reliability of our memories – the event, the sequences and the perception of the intent. Particular brain differences, medical issues and many other factors can affect our memory.
· The history of our relationship to the feedback in our brain which tells us what we did or saw. If, for example, my history is to say that “I think I saw or heard X,” then I am less likely to get into a heated argument about ‘the facts.’ If, on the other hand, my history is that I implicitly trust the feedback from my brain ‘recording’ I may find it very difficult to allow for the possibility of there being more than one version of “the facts.”
· The extent to which each of us are comfortable with the possibility that our memory may be vastly different than that of another person.
· The extent to which each of us are comfortable admitting that we may have acted or spoken without giving our action or spoken word much thought.
· The extent to which one or both of us feel embarrassed by our words or actions.
· The history and habits which each of us brings to any situation. If our history includes others deliberately lying to us we may have a very strong emotional reaction to what seems to be a lie, an exaggeration or a deliberate insult.
· The willingness or ability to accept the behavior of the other as human and, thus, very forgivable.
· Whether a person feels or believes it is safe to forgive. If it seems the negative behavior of the other is just one more instance of a pattern – a pattern over which one has decided “they should have more control” – it may seem forgiving is saying it is okay to continue that behavior.
It seems to me that the extent to which each of us can consider the above factors will determine how we eventually let go of or hold on to anger, hurt, fear and distrust. We all need to know that those which whom we have a close relationship can accept and love us as the wonderful, creative, flawed humans that we are. If, however, someone consistently crosses a bottom line than we may not be able to continue a relationship. One does need to be very cautious and intentional about what constitutes the “lines in the sand.” Behavior which may cross the line may include:
· The use of physical force/violence.
· Repeated violations of basic relationship contract. For some couples this may mean other sexual relationships, i. e., consistently avoiding shared decision making in areas which both have agreed are to be joint.
· A significant change in one’s life dance of one which is inconsistent with the core values of the other. For example, one joining a terrorist organization might make it impossible for the other to continue.
· Constant criticism of the other.
· A refusal of a partner to get help for a mental illness, addiction or some other condition which affects the ability to function as partners or puts the family at risk.
In my mind there are not many bottom lines. I want to be careful to insure that I do not expand the list of bottom lines in an attempt to force another person to behave the way I want or feel I need for them to behave. I also want to be especially careful about thinking that I ‘need’ to ‘win’ discussions because I am ‘right’ and the other person is ‘wrong.’ Obviously, relationships take a lot of work, patience, forgiveness and a ton of unconditional love. If I do not want to have to practice these ‘virtues’ I may need to resign myself to not having any close relationships.
Written August 11, 2016
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