You adore, I exist
There are couples or teams that I know that seem to polish the talents, abilities and very essence of each other. The individuals are whole and complete on their own, but their sheen seems a little brighter because of the other person(s). Others enjoy the company of each of these individuals but when they are together their heightened sheen seems to seep into the pores of everyone around them. One struggles to find words or analogies to describe the seemingly magical contagion.
I have been blessed to know a number of people who have added a lifetime lithium battery to the openness of my heart and spirit. My Aunt Pleasie and Uncle Happy were two such people. Separately they were strong, nurturing, creative, morally clear individuals. Together they created spaces which were bright with love and laughter – spaces which guaranteed to make one seem better than when one entered the space. My friend Becky is another such person. Whether she is chairing a meeting, visiting via an email, conducting a workshop, managing a school, or sharing a meal, she brings out the best in all who are open to her touch. When she and her husband Bob are together they each are a bit more of something than they are separately.
My young friend Paul seems to be an old soul whose mission it is to teach others to fly with their hearts and imagination. I could name a host of other people including my friend Dee and her late husband Frank, my friends Marv and Kurt, Terry and Don, Barbara and Lanny and a host of others including those who are gone but left an enormous footprint of gold flaked earth.
These are all people who do not need the other to be complete, but who enhance all the wonderful qualities each possesses on their own. They have all spent much time and energy polishing their own souls. They do not need or want another person to be responsible for being their pilot light. These are not the individuals who say directly or indirectly, “You are responsible for lighting my light. Without you to do that I can do nothing. I am nothing without you. I could not live without out.” At first glance those who love with a desperate need for the other sound like the ingredients for a perfect romance. Surely this sort of “love” is the basis for most successful operas, country songs, some famous artwork and heart wrenching poems. We all shed copious tears when we are drawn into such drama.
Yet, in real life what is it like to be responsible for the well-being, happiness and will to live of another person? How does it feel to have this yoke of responsibility to carry on every step of the journey? One dare not have a life of one’s own. One dare not go help a family member, join the peace corps, join the service, travel or otherwise be unavailable at any time to day or night. God forbid one should claim that breath is necessary for living; that one is thinking of leaving the suffocating burden which masquerades as love. Heaven help one if one decides that is time to try out one’s wing; that one does not need someone to direct their every move, to pick them up when they fall, to hover over them lest they make a mistake or have their own idea of what to do with their time and energy.
When a parent hovers over a child and does not allow them to develop into an independent human being we call them a helicopter parent. Do we call a hovering partner, boss, team member, or spouse a helicopter benevolent dictator? The hovering person whose conscious intention are loving will be crushed to find out he/she is no longer needed. They may feel as if they have no purpose or worth. They may become suicidal or some may even resort to some form of violence as a way of attempting to hold on to the person they love and desperately need.
As far as I can determine none of us has “pure” motives for all that we do. Whether one is following the guidance of a Buddhist teacher, the sponsor in a 12-step program, the law of the Torah or some other spiritual system or teachings, one will be advised to practice opening up to another layer of honestly with oneself. As one does so, one discovers that one may be doing a lot which has more to do with looking to a person, place or thing outside of oneself to validate one’s worth than it does with unconditional love. That is why this is called a life journey. Unlike my roses which grow and bloom every year us humans take a lifetime to mature into the blossoms which are connected but which also stand on their own. The other day I was listening to my roses. The yellow ones seem to heighten the brightness of the red ones who seem to wink at the pink ones. Yet, not one of them said to the others, “You have to stay here for me to exist. I am nothing without you.” Sometimes it seems as if my roses are wiser than I am. They seem content to be themselves but also seem to delight in the presence of their neighbors.
Letting go of one’s love is never without pain. Yet if it is true, unconditional love one can assure the other that one will be fine – that one will always love that person, but has no need to hold their person or their soul hostage. One gets to keep that part of one which is better because of the other. If one has the courage to reach deep within themselves one discovers a lamp which may need its wick trimmed and turned up a bit, but it is there. One may even learn to embrace that light, breathe and share it with others. One will be lighter for having done so.
Written August 11, 2017
There are couples or teams that I know that seem to polish the talents, abilities and very essence of each other. The individuals are whole and complete on their own, but their sheen seems a little brighter because of the other person(s). Others enjoy the company of each of these individuals but when they are together their heightened sheen seems to seep into the pores of everyone around them. One struggles to find words or analogies to describe the seemingly magical contagion.
I have been blessed to know a number of people who have added a lifetime lithium battery to the openness of my heart and spirit. My Aunt Pleasie and Uncle Happy were two such people. Separately they were strong, nurturing, creative, morally clear individuals. Together they created spaces which were bright with love and laughter – spaces which guaranteed to make one seem better than when one entered the space. My friend Becky is another such person. Whether she is chairing a meeting, visiting via an email, conducting a workshop, managing a school, or sharing a meal, she brings out the best in all who are open to her touch. When she and her husband Bob are together they each are a bit more of something than they are separately.
My young friend Paul seems to be an old soul whose mission it is to teach others to fly with their hearts and imagination. I could name a host of other people including my friend Dee and her late husband Frank, my friends Marv and Kurt, Terry and Don, Barbara and Lanny and a host of others including those who are gone but left an enormous footprint of gold flaked earth.
These are all people who do not need the other to be complete, but who enhance all the wonderful qualities each possesses on their own. They have all spent much time and energy polishing their own souls. They do not need or want another person to be responsible for being their pilot light. These are not the individuals who say directly or indirectly, “You are responsible for lighting my light. Without you to do that I can do nothing. I am nothing without you. I could not live without out.” At first glance those who love with a desperate need for the other sound like the ingredients for a perfect romance. Surely this sort of “love” is the basis for most successful operas, country songs, some famous artwork and heart wrenching poems. We all shed copious tears when we are drawn into such drama.
Yet, in real life what is it like to be responsible for the well-being, happiness and will to live of another person? How does it feel to have this yoke of responsibility to carry on every step of the journey? One dare not have a life of one’s own. One dare not go help a family member, join the peace corps, join the service, travel or otherwise be unavailable at any time to day or night. God forbid one should claim that breath is necessary for living; that one is thinking of leaving the suffocating burden which masquerades as love. Heaven help one if one decides that is time to try out one’s wing; that one does not need someone to direct their every move, to pick them up when they fall, to hover over them lest they make a mistake or have their own idea of what to do with their time and energy.
When a parent hovers over a child and does not allow them to develop into an independent human being we call them a helicopter parent. Do we call a hovering partner, boss, team member, or spouse a helicopter benevolent dictator? The hovering person whose conscious intention are loving will be crushed to find out he/she is no longer needed. They may feel as if they have no purpose or worth. They may become suicidal or some may even resort to some form of violence as a way of attempting to hold on to the person they love and desperately need.
As far as I can determine none of us has “pure” motives for all that we do. Whether one is following the guidance of a Buddhist teacher, the sponsor in a 12-step program, the law of the Torah or some other spiritual system or teachings, one will be advised to practice opening up to another layer of honestly with oneself. As one does so, one discovers that one may be doing a lot which has more to do with looking to a person, place or thing outside of oneself to validate one’s worth than it does with unconditional love. That is why this is called a life journey. Unlike my roses which grow and bloom every year us humans take a lifetime to mature into the blossoms which are connected but which also stand on their own. The other day I was listening to my roses. The yellow ones seem to heighten the brightness of the red ones who seem to wink at the pink ones. Yet, not one of them said to the others, “You have to stay here for me to exist. I am nothing without you.” Sometimes it seems as if my roses are wiser than I am. They seem content to be themselves but also seem to delight in the presence of their neighbors.
Letting go of one’s love is never without pain. Yet if it is true, unconditional love one can assure the other that one will be fine – that one will always love that person, but has no need to hold their person or their soul hostage. One gets to keep that part of one which is better because of the other. If one has the courage to reach deep within themselves one discovers a lamp which may need its wick trimmed and turned up a bit, but it is there. One may even learn to embrace that light, breathe and share it with others. One will be lighter for having done so.
Written August 11, 2017
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