You are responsible for my misery!
Most of us who are parents have been the recipient of an angry verbal thrashing by our child or children. Emotionally and spiritually healthy parents are especially vulnerable to taking this thrashing as literal truth. After all, healthy parents know that they have made many mistakes.
From an early age many, if not most, children begin to store evidence of the humanness of their parents. This includes their parent’s doubts and fears. Many children by age 2 days are professional manipulators. If parents are vulnerable to their crying they will quickly learn the exact tone of crying which will tear their parents hearts in two. By the time that they are teenagers they will have a multi-volume record of parental faults, which they can now keep, in a permanent cloud file. Some children may never feel that they need to make use of this file, but most will.
When a child is experiencing rejection from someone they have been dating or someone they want to date; when they are failing a class; when they have become victims of addiction; when one of their parents have said “No” to something they must have; when they are depressed and do not understand that depression distorts their perception they may get very overwhelmed and feel hopeless. Often, when children or adults feel overwhelmed and hopeless they blame themselves or someone else. For children (no matter how old) a parent or parents are often the safest and most vulnerable person to blame for their existential angst. Fortunately many children have parents whose love is unconditional. These children know no matter what they do (or do not do) their parents will love them. If the parents are divorced and one parent has primary custody, the non-custodial parent may be the most vulnerable to blame. They can easily accuse that parent of abandoning them. It does not matter that divorce allows for two healthy households rather than one unhealthy one. The child knows that the non-custodial parent will take on the guilt of abandonment. If one parent is vulnerable to accepting blame or getting angry in return that parent will be the target.
As painful as this process may be for parents it is healthier for young children to dump anger on the parent then to dump it all on him or herself. If they blame themselves as failure or not worthwhile, they could become very self destructive and even suicidal.
Hopefully, at some point, children become adults who learn that bad things happen to good people and they learn to be accountable for their decisions. They learn that persons do not intentionally cause mental illness, addiction, or many other life issues. Even if someone does cause a problem that does not mean that one is a victim for life.
Perhaps there are those children who never have such overwhelming existential angst that they need someone to blame. Perhaps there are children who from day one know and accept that we parents are limited human beings. Perhaps there are children who always feel grateful for their parents doing the best they can. Perhaps someone has such children, but most of us do not. We may have wonderful, gifted, loving; delightful children but they will not arrive as spiritually and emotionally mature people. They, like parents, are a work in progress.
Written January 22, 2018
Most of us who are parents have been the recipient of an angry verbal thrashing by our child or children. Emotionally and spiritually healthy parents are especially vulnerable to taking this thrashing as literal truth. After all, healthy parents know that they have made many mistakes.
From an early age many, if not most, children begin to store evidence of the humanness of their parents. This includes their parent’s doubts and fears. Many children by age 2 days are professional manipulators. If parents are vulnerable to their crying they will quickly learn the exact tone of crying which will tear their parents hearts in two. By the time that they are teenagers they will have a multi-volume record of parental faults, which they can now keep, in a permanent cloud file. Some children may never feel that they need to make use of this file, but most will.
When a child is experiencing rejection from someone they have been dating or someone they want to date; when they are failing a class; when they have become victims of addiction; when one of their parents have said “No” to something they must have; when they are depressed and do not understand that depression distorts their perception they may get very overwhelmed and feel hopeless. Often, when children or adults feel overwhelmed and hopeless they blame themselves or someone else. For children (no matter how old) a parent or parents are often the safest and most vulnerable person to blame for their existential angst. Fortunately many children have parents whose love is unconditional. These children know no matter what they do (or do not do) their parents will love them. If the parents are divorced and one parent has primary custody, the non-custodial parent may be the most vulnerable to blame. They can easily accuse that parent of abandoning them. It does not matter that divorce allows for two healthy households rather than one unhealthy one. The child knows that the non-custodial parent will take on the guilt of abandonment. If one parent is vulnerable to accepting blame or getting angry in return that parent will be the target.
As painful as this process may be for parents it is healthier for young children to dump anger on the parent then to dump it all on him or herself. If they blame themselves as failure or not worthwhile, they could become very self destructive and even suicidal.
Hopefully, at some point, children become adults who learn that bad things happen to good people and they learn to be accountable for their decisions. They learn that persons do not intentionally cause mental illness, addiction, or many other life issues. Even if someone does cause a problem that does not mean that one is a victim for life.
Perhaps there are those children who never have such overwhelming existential angst that they need someone to blame. Perhaps there are children who from day one know and accept that we parents are limited human beings. Perhaps there are children who always feel grateful for their parents doing the best they can. Perhaps someone has such children, but most of us do not. We may have wonderful, gifted, loving; delightful children but they will not arrive as spiritually and emotionally mature people. They, like parents, are a work in progress.
Written January 22, 2018
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