The other day, while continuing to read and think about what Father Gregory Boyle has asserted in his book, Tattoos on the Heart –The Power of  Boundless Compassion, two statements he made stuck with me for days.  One was a statement in response to the man who came by the church he had attended as a child. This man noticed that the church is now surrounded by gang members, homeless men and women, people on their way to a 12 step meeting and ESL classes, drug addicts, and the undocumented among others. The man says ,“This used to be a church.”  Father Gregory replies, “You know, most people around here think it’s finally a church.” (page 73).

Later he says, “Compassion isn’t just about feeling the pain of others; it’s about bringing them in toward yourself. If we love what God loves, then, in compassion, margins gets erased.  “Be Compassionate as God is compassionate,” means the dismantling of barriers that exclude.”(p74).   On page 74 he asserts, “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded.  It is a covenant between equals.”

As I go about my daily life , reading or hearing the news of how often we humans do something really kind and how often we find reasons to hurt each other, accuse and punish each other, I am particularly aware of my personal relationship with those people  with whom I have a coaching relationships or a relationship which begins with my agreement to counsel or coach them as they explore a healing/recovery from active addiction.  I am also aware of both my history in my role as a father to a young child and now to an adult man who is 44 years old.

I like the concept of covenant which Father Gregory uses to describe the mentor/counseling relationship – a covenant between equals.  Anyone who regularly reads my blog will know the next thing I did.  I googled the word convenant.   Not surprising there are many hits but most say basically the same thing. It is an agreement or contract.  Synonyms  mentioned include:  Contract, agreement, undertaking, commitment, pledge, promise, bond, warrant.

What is this agreement between equals?  From my view point it is a commitment to:

·      Keep the needs of both parties sacred.  This mean my needs are never more important than that of the other.  It also means that the needs of the other is never more important than mine. 

·      It means that if I am to honor the other as equal I cannot take advantage of their vulnerability  or pretend that I am helping when I am just satisfying my need to feel powerful, or my need to have them like me or know how wonderful I am!

·      It means that I agree to listen to my equal – to take what they are saying seriously without getting sucked into the drama  they might be experiencing.

·      It means that I will not invite them to my sense of drama.

·      It means I will not ask them or recommend  that they do anything I am not willing to do. 

·      It means that as equals we are both vulnerable to making a mistake and, if we do, to be honest about that mistake and not blame the other.

I was thinking of this as I read stories of heroism and of heartache this morning; of a man jumping onto subway tracks to help another man who fell; of people bombing others; of a man murdering family members, of a physician who works hard to promote healthy play grounds for children; of a 34 year old ex-police person sentenced to six years in prison for having sex with a 17 year old.

I want the example of this ex-police officer as a way of exploring the application of the concept of compassion.  The brief article did not contain any information about how they met.  It did say that on at least 8 occasions they had sex in his home, her home or in his car.  The mother overheard a conversation and reported him.

In Florida the law says that the age of consent is 18 except a 16 or 17 year old may consent to have sex with someone who is up to age 24.  Furthermore, in Florida, there is a law nicknamed the “Romeo and Juliet” law which states that a person who was no older than 18 and sex with someone no more than 4 years difference may petition the court to have their name removed from the sexual offenders list.

The age of consent varies from state to state and country to country.  In some countries the age of full consent is as young as 12 years of age. In some places it is as old as 21.

This means that in Florida and many other states and countries a person might be old enough to go to war (younger than 18 usually requires parent(s) giving written permission),but is not old enough to agree to a sexual relationship, to vote or to purchase alcohol.   This makes no sense to me.  Can one take advantage of someone who is 17 or younger or older?   Certainly.  If one ask a person who is 17 whether he/she was forced by an authority figure, might they lie.

It is much simpler to enact laws which considers arbitrary ages and conditions, i. e. below college level teacher and student.   It is easier to  decide if the covenant was broken if we have a list of very ckear rules. Thus we have rules, ethic agreements, and other standards which determine when and if the conditions of a covenant have been terminated.   Or do we?  What we actually have are rules, contracts or laws which assume that there was a relationship beteen a “relationship between the wounded and the healer “ or between the teacher and the student. 

As soon as we define a person by the role or label we have excluded the possibility of compassion as Father Boyle and others have defined it.    If, however, we ask whether a convent between equals has been violated then the question of possible abuse of the relationship becomes more complicated.   We would then have to ask if the principles I earlier proposed had been violated and, if so, what can be done to repair the convent, to show compassion and to facilitate the healing of one or more persons.

There are, of course, those individuals (and organizations) who are  emotionally existing at the bottom of the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs that  are unable to consider the needs of others.  If Maslow is accurate they are not able which is much different than saying not willing.  There are those people whose physical brain is unable to consider the needs of others.  We have to then ask for both of these groups of people what it means to be compassionate.  Obviously, we considering the concept of equal we cannot assume equal ability.  Equal sacredness is not the same as equal ability.

I have often worked in prisons and am currently corresponding with several men in prison.  They are all good men deserving of my  compassion.  If I were to enter into a covenant with the ex-policeman now serving six years in prison, what would a covenant between equals looks like, smell like, sound like? 

As with most questions or issues when it comes to living by Father Boyle’s definition of compassion, there are not clear, easy rules.  In fact the questions often leads to a very messy, confusing situation. 

For the Chirstian, the Buddhist or a person who lives under the umbrella of any religion it would  be much easier to be able to label the good people and the bad people. The man who said to Father Boyle, “This used to be a church.” is advocating compassion of labels.  Father Boyle is advocating that we enter the messy, confusing,  risky world of equals; that we live compassion.    This is a very challenging invitation.  Each of us in her personal and “professional” life must consider  which road we will take.

Another morning when my mind seems a virtual blank. I have been to the gym, had  breakfast, sent birthday wishes to my brother Eddie and my friend Kurt.   I was “shocked” to realize that my brother Ed is now 72 and Kurt is 55.  Just the other day they were both much younger than I.  As we age it seems as if the difference in ages keeps shrinking.   When one is a young child even three years can seem like a big difference.    Now 3 years between my birth and the birth of my brother Ed is nothing.   Then there is my friend Kurt who is 20 years younger than I.   When I first met him I was in my forties and he was  in his twenties. Mercy!  That was a huge difference. Now we are fast approaching a time when we will share the same basic stage of life.  Many people Kurt’s age are retired.

Soon my brother-in-law Carl will turn 80.  That sounds really old but by the time he turns 80 I will have celebrated my 75th birthday. 

It is interesting to think that in many respects we are all exactly the same people we were 20, 30 or even 40 years ago. In other ways we have changed.   My brother Ed has always been this exceptionally bright, creative man who could envision the creation of a village or a sculpture and then set about bringing it to life.  He is also a very kind man who people enjoy being around.  Although he and his second wife are separated I think he is always there to help her if needed.  He is the perfect host for the restaurant and winery which he owns and runs in Texas.  As is true for many in our family he stays very busy and has trouble giving self time off just to visit his children or grandchildren. Yet, if someone truly needs something  practical he will be there.  In this respect he is a lot like our father.  Our father was always helping someone and, in later years after I left home, was great in planning family outings to the lake.  Dad’s latest project might have been designing and building a sailboat, making a generator to bring electricity to our home in the country, or designing and building beautiful furniture.   When Ed is not building his restaurant, designing and creating the interior, he can be found learning how to make wine or creating wonderful sculptures.  He might also, at the same time, be experimenting with hydo farming.

My brother-in-law Carl is like a steady rock. He and my sister got married not long after she graduated from high school.  At the time the 3 years difference in their age also seemed like a lot.  Carl was, in my experience, a man of few words but lots of action.  He worked at a factory near where they lived and together with my sister made this house which became a home in which they raised their three children and which is frequently the family gathering place.   He is like a rock. One just knew he would always be there for my sister, their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.  He and my sister have been there for each other when each of them has had serious medical issues. They both always seem to handle life on life terms, no matter what the latest blessing or hardship life tosses their way.   One know that Bonnie is safe and well cared for with Carl as he is with her.

My friend Kurt I first met when he was dating a man I know who was active in the local and national organization of men who were committed to providing some leaderships with other men in making the world a safer, more loving and more equal place.  Kurt is a nuclear physicist who helps design and implement programs to get rid of nuclear waste.  He is also a brilliant and very funny writer  as well as a man with an enormous heart. He  is quietly present anytime someone needs something.  Perhaps, especially since the death of his father, he has been the one who could be depended on by his mother, brother, Aunt Jane as well as a host of friends.     The man he was dating when I first met me has been long dead,  but he has been with Dr. Marv for many years now.  He and Marv are a team based in deep love, shared values, and enormous respect along with a sense of irony and humor about this life journey.  They had a commitment ceremony hosted by our circle of friends from the original men’s consciousness raising group. Later they were legally married.  Kurt and Marv will fly down on a Saturday in May to take me to dinner for my 75th birthday and then fly back Sunday. He and Marv always find a way to share their generous love.

These are four of the men who continue, each in their way, to inspire me to do my best to show up each day.  I am grateful for all four of them. I could say much more about their courage and their gifts.  Perhaps I will another time.   There are many other men to whom I am enormously grateful,  but it is these four who I want to celebrate today.  I included Carl because his birthday is soon and he has been much on my mind.

It seems to me that if we want to create a more just and loving world we will take the time to acknowledge and honor the men and women who are our mentors and guides  on a day to day, hour to hour basis. Some of them I see more often than others, but all are always present in the way I live my life.  I hope to be able to write more about Dr. Marv,  George, David, Carl, Fred, Todd, Terry, Dennis, Frank, Jim,  Paul, Howard, and many others who are among the mentors in my life.  I continue to be very blessed with loving mentors.

Early this morning I found myself thinking of the word, the concept of and the practice of what we generally call prayer. I thought of the example that the Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron uses of the cartoon of the man on his knees with hands held together  saying to his God, “I asked you and  asked you to make me a better person and apparently you cannot be bothered.”   Sometimes we humans seem to use the word prayer to beg, entreat, ask for, demand that God give us or someone we love something we think that they need.  We might, for example, pray for healing for someone we care about, for a way to get out of a financial crisis, for a better job or a loving relationship.  We might also pray as a means of giving thanks, of asking for forgiveness, or for any number of reasons.

The Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary states that prayer is from Old French preiere, based on the latin precarious “obtained by entreaty’, from prec-‘prayer’.   In the Old Testament used by Christians and Jews, the Hebrew word Tefilah is generally translated into English as the word “prayer” but some scholars maintain that this is a much too limited translation, “for to pray means to beg, beseech, implore, and the like, for which we have a number of Hebrew words which more accurately convey this meaning…  Prayer is a commandment of G-d: G-d has commanded us to pray to Him and to Him alone. In times of distress, we must turn to G-d for help; in times of comfort, we must express our gratitude to G-d; and when all goes well with us, we must still pray to G-d daily that He continue to to show us His mercy and grant our daily needs.” (Wkipedia encyclopedia).

Wikipedia  also tells us that “Religious behavior is one of the hallmarks of behavioral modernity, generally assumed to have emerged around 50,000 years ago, marking the transition from the middle to the Upper Paleolithic time.”

In India, Paramhansa Yogananda talks about the Ananda Sangha Healing Prayer Circle….Healing prayers are sent to others by drawing on this unlimited divine energy and then projecting it to the person in need. (anandaindia.org/tools-for-spiritual-living/ananda-sangha-healing-prayer-circle/)

I recall reading about and seeing photographs of the doctor, nurse, and family members surrounding a bed of a patient with cancer and directing all their positive energy to the destruction of a cancer growth.  It is alleged the subsequent tests would show that the cancer was no loner present.

There are Christian healers who claimed to facilitate the healing of the sick.   Even as a conservative Presbyterian minister I would sometimes find myself being asked to participate in the “laying on of hands” which purports to heal.  We also know that it is claimed that Jesus healed the sick.

Many times every day I get requests for prayers to which I always agree.  But what I am promising to do?  When I sign a note “love and prayers” what am I hoping to accomplish.  The word prayer is of course a noun whereas the word pray is a verb-an action word.  What is the action to which I am committing myself?

I am certainly not agreeing to ask God for anything because that would not be consistent with my beliefs.  My belief is that I always get what I need to grow spiritually. That is, God or a higher power, does not give or withhold certain gifts or experiences from me.  God is not going to cause me to have an auto accident, perform surgery on me, or show up to somehow magically make some medical treatment work for a friend who is being treated for cancer. 

I am also not confessing to God or my higher power all my “sins” .  It is no news that I am a human and much less than perfect; that I do and say things every day  which are hurtful to myself, others and Mother Earth – either by commission or omission.   I do, of course, need to get honest with myself and with at least one other person/God.

When I ‘chat’ with God or my higher power, I am not saying, “Hey dude, just thought I would let you know that  I am  human. At the same time I also thought I would let you know that you are royally messing up by not allowing Sam’s daughter to live or Cheryl to have money to pay her rent or.  I mean, really, what were you thinking?  Why did you allow over 400 immigrants to get lost in the Mediterranean Sea this week. (The St. Petersburg Tribune, April 16, 2015, p4).  Then there is the matter of that young man Aaron Hernandez, the young ex-NFL star who was convicted of murder and got life without parole.   As Anne Lamott might pray, “Would it have been too much to skin off your teeth to …”   To what?  Perhaps, if he is guilty of this murder and even of a former one in the Boston area, why could you have not helped him let to of whatever it was that caused him to behave in a way which sabotaged his life. Then, of course,there is the young 27 year old man Aaron is convicted of helping to kill.  What were you  thinking?  Could you just show a little more compassion?”

This is not my prayer but it certainly might be my thoughts at times. I would like a all loving, always forgiving, all powerful God which makes everyone behave while, of course, allowing me free will.  Well, there you have it.  That is a rather self centered or, if you rather, narcissistic desire or command  (as if I am giving direction or commands to God).

When I use the word prayer or when I commit to praying for someone I am committing to do my best to get quiet and as the Buddhist or the 12 step folks might say, “Get myself out of the way.”   Whether I am hearing that sacred, wise part of myself, the quiet wisdom which is the universe, the voice of God which is, of course, love or  connecting telepathically to some extra terrestrial energy source does not matter to me.   I do believe, with all my heart, that positive, loving energy is a tangible, living force which does have enormous healing energy.  At the same time I “know” that there is only this moment; that it does not matter whether I or someone else dies now or in 40  years (a second); that what we really have control over is how well we show up to love in this moment; about how well we let go of the desire or the illusion of control; about how well we let go of other attachment or expectations and just be present in love. Wow! That is no small deal.  It is also not easy for this human and it certainly does not happen without intention and the setting aside a time and place for my very busy mind to be quiet.  Is this prayer? I have no idea and am not sure it matters. I will choose to call it prayer or as my friend Virginia Hoefreuter might say, “Quit worrying about what you call it. Call it a dam shoebox. Just do it.”

甘え

I found a reference to the Japanese term Amae  on page 90 of Father Gregory Boyle’s book, Tattoos on the Heart – The Power of Endless Compassion.  He says,  “The Japanese speak of a concept called amae, living in a deep sense of being cherished, of raising kids lovingly.”   Andrew Hammond in thinkjapanblog.com states that amae “means to depend on anothers kindness….Japanese pride themselves on being dependent. . .This is why many Japanese people come across as energetic and grateful, because they strongly appreciate when something is done for them, and they often feel giri, or obligation to return the kindness.   This obligation is often the beginning of a relationship… Amae is instinctive to Japanese, and it is key to keeping a strong, communal relationship in Japan, and maintaining the Japanese sense of respect, humility, and spirit.”

Father Gregory seems to maintain that when you do something for someone you are communicating to him or her that they are important; that they are cherished. That would seem to be consistent with his overall theology.

I read many other interpretations of the concept of Amae.  It was interesting to me that so often the term dependent was used to describe the resulting relationship.  This was frequently made to sound negative.  I would use the term interdependent.  If I am obligated to do something for you because you depend on that for survival and, in turn, the other person(s) are obliged to both return the kindness and to initiate it with others then the result is an interdependence, which forms a system in which, of course, one would feel cherished. 

I want to briefly discuss this concept without explaining the glaring examples of the Japanese not practicing amae towards each other or others outside of their country/culture.  I am not going to deal with the aspect of the Japanese culture, which has been very violent and has not always been free of sexism or other behavior which has not left everyone feeling cherished.  Certainly, we humans can also cite examples of the disparity between what we say we believe and our behavior on a daily basis.  For those of us who comes from a Christian or a Buddhist tradition, we are very aware of our shortcomings, of our failure to live up to our stated beliefs about how we should treat all other people.

In my experience I need a goal to which to aspire.  If I aspire to practice amae, I will daily look for ways to reach out to do something helpful or kind without any expectation of that person giving back to me.  (What some entitle random acts of kindness).  I may, however, have a hope that the other person will, as they say, “play it forward”.    In fact my reading of the results of research on individual and group behavior is that, indeed, if we are treated with kindness we are more likely to treat others with kindness. 

The work and life of Father Boyle is predicated on the belief that we are essentially good.    Father Boyle, ask Miguel, “How do you do it? I mean, given all that you’ve been through-all the pain and stuff you’ve suffered-how are you like the way you are?”  Miguel replies, “You know I always suspected that there was some goodness in me, but I just couldn’t find it. Until one day, “he quiets a bit-“one day, I discovered it here, in my heart. I found it…goodness. And ever since that day, I have known who I was.”

I am goodness. You are goodness. This is at the heart of the work that Father Boyle has done with the LA gang members who have often led a life of crime, violence and abuse of others in every way imaginable.  His assumption, much like the assumption of Mother Theresa, is that in all of us there is some goodness.  If we practice amae  there is a possibility of that goodness being released from the internal safe in which it has been locked because of fear and grief. 

I spent time with my friends Dana and Jennifer and their two children last evening.   I have known these children since they were born. They have been cherished from day one.  They are goodness personified.  Being cherished also allows them to pass through the normal developmental states.    Young Dana is a very precocious 11.  He is exploring his dance and his voice. At 11 one does not always act with kindness or appreciation.  His parents will lovingly guide him through this developmental stage as they will his sister Cecelia    They may get stern, frustrated, exhausted and emit significant sighs at times (they are human), but the kids know that they are cherished.  I also know that I and other “family members” adore and cherish them.  There is nothing they could do which would cause them to not be cherished. They could and probably do exasperate their parents. Thank goodness there is two parents so that can trade off parenting just as one of them is about to lose it.

Sadly this is not the experience of many, many people. This is not how we treat each other when one of us makes a mistake. If we break one of the millions of local, state or federal laws normally we will be punished when caught. Time after time I have sat in a courtroom and listened to a judge tell a person- often a young person – how worthless they are; what an irredeemable bad person they are.  To be sure I have also witnessed wonderful exceptions when the judge says to a young person, “ I know you are a good person. I know you need help and not punishment.” That is not our normal modus operando.

We are a nation which historically has prided itself on our ability to delude ourselves into thinking that we are independent and do not need other people or nations. We can do it. It is difficult to reach out for help; to acknowledge that we need another.  We would often rather pay for temporary comfort of a massage, sexual pleasure, or a maid so that the contract is clear and once we have paid our money we owe the other person/functionary nothing.

I was certainly one of those who grew up believing that I could only depend on myself and could only blame myself if I did not do well.  I started recording and filing my “sins” at a very early age.  I was not going to need anyone or anything.    Yet, later when I looked back I could see that many who provided me with a lot of help cherished me.  It might have been my favorite aunt and uncle, an older woman friend who would always find/make time to listen, a teacher who always said loving, encouraging things to me or a host of others.  They gave without me asking.  This was juxtaposed against the behavior of those, including the minister, who told me how bad or sinful I was.  Although I was not homeless and I did not have to resort to stealing or violently proving myself, I, as did Miguel, have to discover the goodness within me. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the work of the Father Boyles and Mother Theresa’s of this world unlocked the door behind which lives that truth; the truth and wisdom of amae.

This morning I opened my email and found a note from my son with a link to an April 14, 2014 Article in the New York Times Business Day he thought I might appreciate.  As usual, he was accurate.  As is often true with people who truly care about each other he has a pretty good idea of what might interest me.  My son and I share a lot of interest, but also have many interests or talents the other does not share.  This means, among other things, there is always something interesting to bring to the relationship.

The link he sent me this morning was to an article about Dan Price who is the owner of a Credit Card Processor Company, Gravity Payments, in Seattle.  He is quoted as saying that he had read on article on happiness, which stated, “For people who earn less than about $70,000.00, extra money makes a big difference in their lives.”  That made him think and on Monday he announced to his staff that over the next three years he will  “raise the salary of even the lowest paid clerk, customer service representative and salesman to a minimum of $70,000.00 a year.”  He will do this by cutting his own salary from nearly $1 million to $70,000 and using 75 to 80 percent of the company’s anticipated $2.2 million in profit this year.

He continues to describe himself as a capitalist.

The article goes on to point out that in this country the average pay gap between executives and the average worker is nearly 300 percent. 

Angus Deaton and psychologist Daniel Kahneman, as is also pointed out in the article did the research on happiness.  They

found that emotional well-being is not increased after reaching a salary of approximately “70,000.00 a year.  They further pointed out that money above that brings pleasures but does not increase emotional well being.   However, making less than that can decrease happiness and emotional well being.

Although the specific figures came as news to me, the idea that money does not buy happiness is not new.  We have all known, heard about or seen movies about very wealthy people who were extremely unhappy.

The articles do not discuss in detail the fact that the decision also makes a lot of business sense. Happier people generally make more efficient, creative, dedicated employees.   Less time is lost in time off or for illness and turnover is lower.

I recall years ago noticing that a certain restaurant in Washington, Pa. seems to have very happy employees who worked together well as a team. The turnover of primary staff seems non-existent. One night I had the opportunity to talk to the current family member who was running this family business. He confirmed that all the full time staff of the restaurant got paid sick time, paid vacations, and other benefits.  Who would leave such a job unless for some reason they were moving, deciding to stay home to care for a new child for some other reason unrelated to being unhappy with their job.  Because they were happy, the customers were happy. They tipped well and frequently returned.

The current owner said the family had always treated staff this well. It was not a new policy with him.

I recall another example of a manufacturing company in New England. After the building burnt down the owner decided to continue to pay all the workers their regular salaries during the time (six months or a year as I recall) it would take to rebuild the plant.

For many years once I finished graduate school I worked for various non-profit or not for profit agencies. No one made a lot of money. This was long before the time when it was revealed that some charitable organizations such as the Red Cross were paying the CEO a huge salary.  In fact I just checked on snopes.com.  The latest charitable organization CEO salaries listed were for 2009.  They included:

         Unicef - $1,200.00

         American Red Cross – $651, 975 plus many expenses/benefits (.39 of every dollar goes to the work of the Red Cross)

         United Way - $375,000 plus golf club membership, yacht club membership, two luxury vehicles, two gold credit cards, etc.

The lists go on and on.  The last community mental health center for which I worked, at one time was paying the CEO over $400,000 plus many other benefits.  

There came a time when I knew I could no longer work for such an organization because this sort of attitude also filtered down to how clients were treated.   At the time, it seemed my only option was to open a private practice with some other therapists.  We decided that we would have a standard fee, which we would bill clients and their insurances when that was possible. (Actually insurance companies set the fee, which was often a fraction of our relatively low fee.)  For clients whose insurance would not pay or who did not have insurance the charge would be based upon what they determined that they could afford.  We did not ask to see their income or expenses statements.  95% of people not only did their best, but also often wanted to pay more than they could afford.  We made enough so that all of us, including the office person, had enough money to live on.  Well, that is not entirely true. If someone was working part time the goal was to make sure that his/her family income was approximately the same as mine.  If that person had become single then the agreement was that we would find a way to increase that.  All staff got pro-rated vacation and sick time. If they did not have health insurance we paid for it.  This paid off in terms of “happiness” of staff and clients.   All of us had a decent place to live and a plenty to eat.  The business flourished and we flourished.     

Several years ago thee were a group of Wall Street Stock Brokers who decided to cater to those of us who did not want to knowingly invest money in companies which treated other people or the environment badly.  Some of us also did not want to invest in any company, which supplied material for violent action, i. e. military.  Their business was a resounding success financially and emotionally. When I went to see them I did not have any money but wanted to set up a trust for my son based on life insurance I then expected to leave my son.  Standard banks investment officers had told me I did not have enough money to even consider asking for “special consideration” of how the money was invested when I died.  This company, Christopher Street Financial, treated me the same as their wealthiest client.  I had the very same experience with the local bank in the community in which I was living and working.  Main Street Bank was employee owned. The President of Main Street Bank, Mr. Rich Lucas. to this day, treats me with as much consideration, kindness and respect as those customers who have a lot of money.

The bottom line it turns out that Jesus, the Buddha, Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Mr. Price is right.  When we treat each other and ourselves well, everyone in that circle prospers emotionally, spiritually, and financially.   When we treat each other as less than no one prospers emotionally, physically, or spiritually nor, in the long run, financially.

  

Political Correctness

As is often the case,  one of my good friends stimulated my thinking about this term and how we approach applying it to everyday situations.  She had sent me a copy of a very well written article by a college freshman whose name I cannot now recall. In this article the author challenged our concern with political correctness and the extent to which the use of these terms helps or hinders the goal of creating a more just society.

As I so often do these days I googled the term this morning. The top three hits were:

1.       Po·lit·i·cal cor·rect·ness
noun
noun: political correctness; noun: political correctitude;  the avoidance, often considered as taken to extremes, of forms of expression or action that are perceived to exclude, marginalize, or insult groups of people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against.  (Cite source; I couldn’t really tell what this was from)

2. Political correctness or political correctitude (adjectivally, politically correct; both forms commonly abbreviated to PC) is an attitude or policy of being careful not to offend or upset any group of people in society who are believed to have a disadvantage.  (Wikipedia)

3. 
Agreeing with the idea that people should be careful to not use language or behave in a way that could offend a particular group of people (Merriam‑Webster)

All three of these stress that the goal is to not to offend or insult particular groups of people.  Although I think it is laudable to not offend others, it seems to me that the goal of not offending is very different than a goal of accepting that we are all equally deserving to be treated with dignity; we are all deserving of basic respect no matter what our age, mental status, intelligence score, size, sexual orientation or status, race, nationality, color, physical looks or ability or other factors which may superficially identify us as different than the larger group of which we are a member.   The goal of not offending is, it seems to me, similar to the goal of deciding to tolerate someone who is different than I.  As someone on NPR recently suggested (sorry, but I was listening in the car and did not get the name of the person who said this), tolerance normally implies someone already in a power allowing someone of a different group than the person in power to enjoy some of the benefits of the culture, place, or organization.  Tolerance does not imply respect or acceptance as an equal.  Tolerance to me is similar to pity or the giving of something to someone of lesser status.  Many of us have experienced the receipt of the “gift” of someone because they felt sorry for us or wanted to show us that they  are generous and, thus will give us a dollar of their millions. Again the gift is not given out of respect or a sense of “there but for the grace of God go I”( true compassion)  which implies being willing and able to stand in their shoes; knowing that could  be the case at any time.

Using the term political correctness does not seem to invite discussion, allow for the fact that growth is a slow process for all of we humans, or any disagreement about how to divide up the resources of the community.   It is more like “the hammer of justice” and often, in my experience carrying with it implication that the bad person has not been politically correct in their use of language or their behavior.  In other words,  under the pretense of inclusion we exclude.  In fact, I am sure we have all heard of people being chastised formally or informally for not being “politically correct.” 

The current use of the term – at least in this country – parallels our approach to justice.   In our current judicial climate and system we look for someone who is at fault and then set about punishing them.  Just this morning I read an article about a parent who did something, in hindsight, really dumb. She held a child over a danger area in a zoo so the child could get a better look. The child slipped out of her hands and now she is being charged with child endangerment. (Thankfully the child is fine.) Of course,  it is easy for “us” to see that this  was a dangerous, dumb thing to do. We have all done dumb things with children which could have potentially resulted in them being harmed.  Does the parent have a history of just not being able to make safe decision for the child?  The article does not say. 

Professionally, the ethics code of conduct for both of the professional organizations to which I belong has grown to a book of rules. The goal seems to be to make sure that we do nothing as professionals to allow for possible misinterpretation or for anyone to say we acted in an inappropriate manner. Despite the stated mission of these professional organizations, the goal now seems to be to protect oneself and to do nothing to offend the client. Thus, we are admonished to not touch, email, make ourselves available, or say anything which could be offensive.   This is a much different goal than that of doing our best to be lovingly present and comforting  while also respecting the boundaries of the client and doing our best to use language and actions which take into account their background and culture.

If we want to end racism, we will not do so by suing each other, firing each other from jobs, throwing one out of organizations, or insuring that one loses his/her professional license.   Now, to be sure, I think language is very powerful. I do think that I have an enormous responsibility to continue to practice inclusive language and behavior, to work hard to identify the racism and other -isms which I have internalized.   I know that I am not retarded, but if I am very honest, after 40 some years of intentionally working to identify and change non-inclusive thoughts and language, I daily notice examples of judgmental or prejudicial thoughts. Hopefully, I notice and correct them quicker than I did 40 years ago.

Let’s quit trying to legislate and punish while at the same time being clear that the goal for all  organizations and communities needs to be to strive to be more of a “we.”

Sound Bites

For the past hour I have been searching for a word, which I know nd has been in my memory bank for years.  I have not located it.  Part of me knows that it is not important. I can certainly state the meaning of the word. The basic meaning that has to do with appearing to say something in a profound way without really adding to anyone’s fund of knowledge.  For example, if I say, “The red dress is red.”  And I say it in a very authoritative manner it may sound as if I had said something but, of course, I have said nothing at all. Of course, the red dress is red. What other color would a red dress be.

I was thinking of this example while reading the morning paper.  I have been particularly interested in recent events which make it seems as if African Americans have been profiled by some police officers.  Although this accusation has been common for some time, recently thee have been more  killing of unarmed African American men by police officers.  Not surprisingly the reaction from many has been the profiling of police officer.  The United States Justice Department has, in one case, documented a history of some police departments treating African American different than Caucasians or those who appear to be Caucasian or who appear to be any race other than African Americans.

Racial profiling is, of course, a way of finger pointing or assuming a certain class/group of people is more likely to do something than are other groups or classes of people.  Profiling law enforcement officer is another generalization that assumes that police officer are more likely than the society at large to be racist; that perhaps people who think in racism terms are more likely to be police officers.   

Adjectives or nouns can be a handy way of identifying a group of people, places or things.   Words/terms such as racist, criminally prone, druggies, blacks, poor, pigs, enemy, and many others are often rallying calls to stir up a group of people who can then feel empowered to demonstrate, call for action or occasionally even set up more potentially productive venues for problem solving.

It is easy to see the attraction of using what my friend, Barbara, calls sound bites – phases which appear to say something which say nothing at all (usually she has been pointing out my tendency to use sound bites in an argument as opposed to having a real civilized debate/discussion).  I may say something in a very authoritative voice, but, in fact, I have said nothing which adds to the fund of knowledge or leads to problem solving.   I obviously understand how easy and convenient it is for us to fall into this trap.

Of course, sound bites sell newspapers and work well in other media. Our collective outrage can make it seem as if we are doing something when it fact we are making it easier for others to succumb to the temptation of responding with sound bites. We have all see this between groups of people. We have also seen a similar dynamic in families. Those of us who have done couple or family therapy are well aware of how easy it is for couples and families to engage in what I call this tennis game.

Another wonderful example of the use of sound bites was in an article about the NRA convention in Nashville this weekend.  Wayne LaPierre, the executive director and CEO of the NRA is quoted as saying:

        

         There’s no telling how far President Obama will go to dismantle our freedom and reshape American into an American that you and I will not recognize…  And when he is finished he intends to go out  with a coronation of Hilary Rodman Clinton.

Words such as dismantle, reshape and coronation make for wonderful sound bites.


Obviously sound bites are often effective or they would not be used.

Having a real discussion may take a lot of intense scratching of our heads, research, taking risk of finding out that we do not know enough to have a cogent discussion.   


Sound bites also make it very easy to avoid looking at myself. For example if I am hurling the term racist at someone else I do not have to honestly face the extent to which I have internalized racism and, which, therefore continues to affect how I think and act.   If I am honest I know that despite my honest attempt to identify the extent to which I have allowed subtle forms of racism to affect my thinking, I have not rid myself of an the nuances of this condition knows as racism.

It is also easy to just discount anything that the NRA officials or others  have to say as “conservative, reactionary, and provincial” or whatever.  Sadly, for me, the members of the NRA do not fit into a neat, little box any more than I do.

Early this morning when I was thinking about this subject my initial thought was that I would write about the limited thinking of those others; about those who appear to say something profound without saying anything of import at all.  That is why I was attempt to think of that word which I still cannot think of – that words which so aptly describes sound bites.  This is always the temptation – to point fingers. Writing then flows.  When I resist that temptation words often arrive on my computer one at a time often with intervals of several minutes. I other words I actually have to think!

The good news is, of course, that we can practice, non-judgmentally catching ourselves and forcing ourselves to  think about the fact that we are play a role in creating conditions and situations which enhance the journey for all of us.

Lately there has been a lot of discussion about the so-called religious freedom laws in many states. Depending on the states and what groups of people are covered in the protected classes, these laws have been interrupted by some as a way of giving those who provide services within that state the legal right to refuse to provide services to the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.)  This again raises the legal and ethical question of whether it is permissible for someone such as a shop owner to refuse to serve those who they know or perceived to be in the GLBT community. Some have compared this sort of discriminatory service is similar to the past legal right to refuse services to “people of color”.    In the past, many so called religious people cited scripture which they said alluded to God’s law keeping the people of different races separate, by either refusing service or providing separate but equal accommodations.   We will leave aside the discussion of the fact that services were often not even close to being equal.

If one researches articles by those of whatever religious faith who posit that sexual behavior which deviates from that between a married male and female and which is primarily for the purposes of procreation one gets a number of argument based on their translation of words originally written in an ancient language which can often be widely interrupted or a list of “sins” or behaviors which some religious person decided at one point in history were displeasing to God.  For example, often in the lists are “drunks”.  This term reflects a level of understanding about the excessive use of alcohol for many, many centuries. For the most part, it is only in the past century that there has been any understanding and acceptance of the concept of the disease of addiction.   One might also find thieve in the list. The purpose is usually to convince people that God is going to be displeased if one engages in certain behaviors, so displeased that punishment might be for all of eternity.    God, Allah, or Elohim was often a very pissed off old man who demanded to be obeyed and certainly did not tolerate any deviations from His strict codes of conduct.  This god was often a far cry from the often very playful and erotic Gods of Greece or other cultures.  This God is also very different that that modeled or discussed by my understand of Jesus or The Buddha.

Some of the prohibition against certain behavior was certainly designed to create an orderly community of people who could work together for the common good. People stealing from one another is not conducive to people working together.  There also needs to be some system for procreation, the safe birth and the care of children.  One of the early beliefs was that male sperm/seed was very limited.  One did not want to waste seeds if the goal was to get the female pregnant often enough to make sure some children were born alive and lived to help keep the community operating.  In many early communities and even today in certain intentional communities the care of the children is the responsibility of the entire community.  Thus the concerns were not in the context of a nuclear family, which creates its own set of issues.  Along the way in many cultures survival chores got divided up based not only on skills but also practical issues relating to pregnancy, physical strength and other factors. 

The point I am attempting to make is that many rules and laws began as a sincerer attempt to build a community, which could survive and even prosper.   Often these rules and laws were based on the very limited knowledge available, which might be supplanted by superstitions, or beliefs about what the God or Gods would find pleasing or displeasing. 

There was and is also the matter of the shaky sense of self worth of most of we humans and the frequent corresponding attempt to prove one’s worth by being better than or less sinful or worth more than or …

Once a community of people adopts a set of beliefs, which they attribute to the wishes of a God or Gods, the power base and structure  is often directly tied to these beliefs.  If one questions the beliefs than all beliefs including the power hierarchy becomes open to question.   One of the ways to prevent this from happening is to convince ourselves and others that God may be eternally displeased if we question or change the rules.

Since many may believe that there is a “chance” that what the elders are telling them is true they are not going to question these beliefs and will spend their life journey keeping any possible new “truths” from disturbing this precarious balance.

How else to explain the often obsessive preoccupation with what one is doing or not doing with one’s genitals sexually with self or another person.  Leaving aside the question of using sex as a power tool (this has nothing to do with procreation or a consenting fun relationship between two adults or even between two teenagers), the issue is not even very interesting except to those who might be interested in the making of or the use of pornographic material for stimulating or enhancing sexual play (again assuming adults who are truly in a position to consent). 

Certainly we do not need to keep increasing the population of the world.  We do need to do a better job of teaching people about sexually transmitted diseases and how to more effectively prevent unwanted pregnancies.  It would be wonderful if the only time the issues of abortion came up was a conception engendered by or during a violent rape.

In all of our behavior we need, I believe, to consider the needs of others and strive never to take advantage of anyone or to use anyone as an object rather than a person of equal worth.   I personally do not care what one does sexually or with whom one does it as long as both people are at an age and have the current mental capacity to make an informed decision.  Obviously if someone is drunk or impaired in other ways they cannot consent or make an informed decision about anything.

It takes great courage to question the “truths” of a particular culture or community. Whether the truth is one which new seems blatantly silly such as ‘the earth is flat.” or more open to varying opinions, it is only the brave, which are going to let go of the illusion of certainly and open themselves to new possibilities. When those possibilities concern human relationships we need to be very careful, but we also need to realize that our refusal to take this courageous step hurts many people.

Lastly this courage presumes that we know that if we quit judging others we may have to look at our own fears of who we are and what gives our life meaning.  We may have to stretch our faith to include a God which, I as mentioned in a previous blog, is more expansive and accepting of our humanness.

As a health care professional I have long been fascinated by the placebo effect.  I recall hearing some time ago that another phrase for placebo is remembered wellness. I think that I might have heard this on one of the People’s Pharmacy Program with Joe and Terry Graedon.  My understanding is that if some part of our brain thinks something is going to help it remembers a time when we were well and begins to send well signals to the rest of the body which in turn functions differently which in turn….

Gratitude can function very similarly to a placebo.  Those who suggest that making a daily gratitude list – even it one puts only three simple things on it   - can make a huge difference in how one feels emotionally, spiritually and physically speak an essential truth.

I want to be perfectly clear here.  Taking a placebo or making a gratitude list will not cure clinical depression  (that very deep depression which is caused by a chemical imbalance although some activities, such as aerobic exercise, will increase chemical production of the neurotransmitter Serotonin).    It also will not take away physical pain unless that pain is caused solely by tension. If one has a medical condition or injury, which is acutely painful, making a gratitude list will not eliminate that pain. It will, however, often decrease the increase of the pain and/or allow the grateful feelings to be in the forefront and the physical pain to be in the background. 

One of the things, which happen with any sort of depression or other negative energy, force from within or without is that the brain sees only the negatives. It also experiences time as stopping in the sense that not only is life negative at the moment, it has always been negative and always will be negative. Thus, not only the ability to see colors, but the ability to think in terms of time, i.e. today is sort of crappy but yesterday was good and I am looking forward to, is impaired or just not there. 

When we are feeling good most of us know that life is not all negative, that we all have an occasional bad day, and that no matter what we have much for which to be grateful. When we are feeling depressed or, for whatever reasons, are used to feeling negative nothing seems to make a difference.  This morning I heard a person who son had been recently been killed say that the outpouring of love and support has been wonderful.  That person was able to focus on and experience the positives as well as the acute grief of losing a child.   It was, as Dickens famously said, the worst of times and the best of times. (A Tale of Two Cities).  Wakes or other funeral gatherings are meant to celebrate and give thanks for the life of the deceased person without denying the grief.  Some people cannot experience them as such because they are so focused on their loss.

All of us have been around that person who is chronically negative because of clinical depression - the messages of which they feed and feed and feed and.  -  or because of they have the habit of believing that the only reason people will pay attention to them is that they feel sorry for themselves. They take a real issues such as their colostomy bag keeps breaking, they have lost a child, and they talk as if their entire life is comprised of this sad or difficult situation.  There is no attempt or ability to balance this negative with anything positive.  They are not grateful that you just fixed them a delicious meal and drove 30 miles to drop it off to them.  They will say, “Well, I won’t be able to heat it up.” “I will eat, the bag will break and the meal will just turn to shit.  You might as well as fixed me shit.” The entire conversation will have this flavor.  One will feel oneself getting suck into the depression like a blanket dropping from the ceiling, covering and suffocating one.  One might find oneself trying to protect oneself with anger just to avoid the depression.  One might be tempted to say, “Just shut up you ungrateful person.”   One, of course, tries not to say anything unkind. One knows that the person really does feel bad and they have no concept of the fact that they are continually fertilizing their negativity.

If I am working for/with such a person I might explain what is happening and suggest that they:

·      Switch to manual in their brain – quit waiting for the positives to jump out of their brain.

·      Find the dam flowers meaning find one thing of beauty, one thing for which one is grateful, or one positive.

·      Continue to look for positives.

·      Ask a family member or friend to help you remember positives,

·      If possible write down one’s gratitude list.

·      Keep it simple. I am thankful for this cup of coffee. I am thankful for this meal.

·      Do not feed the depression.  Do not say, “Yes. The world sucks today, has always sucks and is always going to suck.”  That may be how it feels but it is a lie.

·      Get busy even if the only thing on can do is to make a phone call and wish someone else a nice day or do some knitting or if mobile create a gift.

·      Read or listen to something positive.

My good friend Dr. Becky Johnen, author of the book Facing the Sunshine and Avoiding the Shadows, practices what she writes about in her book and in her weekly blog.   Although there are times when she just needs to rest she will almost always find something positive to do for someone else.  She will make a gratitude list or just email me or someone else about what this is grateful for.   This does not mean that she never has stress or acute discomfort.  She does not feed her discomfort.   She also does her best to take care of herself physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.   This allows her brain to switch to manual when it is not automatically focusing on positives or is tempted to feed the negative thoughts or feelings.

If you read her book or her blog one will find many other suggestions for balancing out and not focusing on the negatives.  She extols the benefits of laughter for example.  

One will know that Dr. Johnen is not just an academic talking about a theoretical approach to life. She is a woman who has known acute loss, hardship and physical pain.  She is truly one who not only talks the talk but also walks the walk.

I was thinking this early this morning how easy it is for me to mistrust the adage that “if we do the next right thing we will get what we need”. Although this is a common saying in the 12 step program it has also been a common article of faith for many throughout the ages. Sometimes the reference is to getting what we need in the after life, but that is not my experience with this sage reminder.  

It has been my experience in my nearly 75 years of life that (1) I always get what I need to grow spiritually and (2) the pieces, even the terrible ones, end up fitting together is a very magical way.

Just a few minutes ago  I was saying to someone that if he had never had issues with anxiety I might never have met him.  Since he  and his family are people I now hold dear to my heart, that would be a big loss to me. 

Earlier, while at the gym, I was listening to the spiritual writer and teacher, Anne Lamott.  One of the stories she tells is:  One days she prays that God will show her how to be helpful.  She goes to the grocery store and discovers she has won a “blank” ham which she does not want, but she acts grateful. In the process of taking the ham and her other groceries out to her car she is in a foul mood and rams her cart into this old van. She discovered that the van belongs to a woman she knows who is without money for gas or other essentials.   Anne gives her money and then ask if she and her family likes ham. The woman replies that, “We love ham. We would eat it for every meal.”  The point being, of course, that Anne was praying for some way to be helpful in a more global sense and was not open to the possibility that being able to give a ham and some gas money to this woman would  being such relief and joy to a family.  Anne had woken up in a foul mood and was finding it difficult to find a reason to find any reason to feel hope  for we humans. She was thinking about how we make war, cause untold suffering and how difficult it was to do anything about the suffering when it was so far away.  Her friend reminds her that there is suffering close by.   Anne is not appeased, but knows that she needs to get food in the house for she and her son.  This is not done cheerfully and with any sense that she just doing the next right thing.  Yet, going shopping and getting food in the house for she and her son was the next right thing.

I closed my counseling practice and moved to Florida last year.  I am “seeing” a few life coaching clients and I am writing this blog, but, in many ways I am feeling that I am in transition and not doing much to give back.  I know that I could be doing volunteer work or I could get another part time job or do more to increase my life coaching business. Yet, nothing is feeing “right” for me.  So, I get up, respond to emails, go  to the gym, have breakfast, see clients if they are scheduled, do chores, write a blog and then if I have no other commitments take a long bike ride.  I have not had this much flexible time since I hid from my mother and her long list of chores which needed doing.   Often I could be found reading a book while sitting in a tree.

Often I have to say to myself, “Right foot, left foot, breathe.  Right foot, left foot, breathe.”   I believe that if I take care of myself physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually I will know the next right thing to do.   If nothing else seems “right”, I go back to “Right foot, left foot, breathe.”

I am well aware that if I had the power to change one thing in my life and did so, I would change everything that follows. God knows it would be wonderful to undo some of my hurtful, thoughtless, behaviors of commission and omission. Yet, even though behaviors form a necessary link to all the other links in my life.  I think of the long list of people to whom I am connected. Which one of them would I be willing to discard as if I had never know them.   My friend Betty in now in town to help her daughter celebrate her 60th birthday.  Later today I will drive to Orlando to visit with dear friends, Jennifer, Dana , young Dana and  Ceciliar.  Thursday I will drive to Bradenton to visit with Peg, Greg and their eight cats.  Early next month my good friends Kurt and Marv are coming to take me to dinner for my birthday. 

So far this morning I have had email or instant message contact with 25 people.   So which of these people – perhaps all of them – am I willing to erase from my memory.  I would then have to make sure I erased all the folks I met through the folks I have just mentioned. 

Well, perhaps there are some “safe”, limited erasures I could do. Perhaps there are some which have no important links to anything or anyone else.  There must be at least one or two and, yet, even illnesses has connected me to some people I would not want to have missed meeting.  My HIV doctor at the VA, for example.  We have been working together for at least 29 years.   We have learned to love and value each other as doctor, patient, friends and as colleagues.  The person who convinced me to see if I was eligible to get medical service at the Veterans Administration facility was someone who I befriended and who later lied and stole money and much more from me. Oops. I cannot even erase the relationship with this unhealthy man. 

This is not the first time I have reminded myself of how I always get what I need and that all the pieces always fit together. I have done this many times, and, yet, often I think,  “if only”.  Often I think that I need to make some impulsive decision to just get on with the next stage of my life. It seems as if nothing “important” is happening.  Yet, when I seriously step back I can see more pieces being collected.  I have no idea of how these pieces will connect long term, I know that they will. I also know that I cannot be passive even if the only active thing I do right now is “right foot, left foot, breathe,”