Father of Jesus

As a father and as a student of the roles we take on and assign each other in this life journey I have given a lot of thought to the role of father.  Certainly, as our all roles in our culture, the role of father is constantly evolving.  My friend Doug Gertner has a radio program and blog originating in the Denver area entitled The Grateful Dad.   Doug has long been a scholarly and very personal leader in the invitation to we dads to examine and honors our role as co-parent; sometimes as co-parent with live in partner/spouse and sometimes as co-parent where both parents are single parents.

Since we just celebrated Easter and since I have been reading a book by Father Gregory Boyle about his fatherly and brotherly role with men and women who are currently or former gang members in Los Angles, I have also been thinking about Joseph, the father of Jesus.  Yes, I am aware that many refer to Joseph as a stepfather and to the siblings of Jesus as his half-siblings.   Whether or not Joseph was the sperm donor does not really matter to me although I am well aware of the fact that for most in the Christian Church the belief is that God directly impregnated Mary whereas all the other children born to Mary was the result of Joseph’s sperm and Mary’s egg co-joining! 

We are all well aware that the role of a day-to-day father is much more than that of a male physically sharing his sperm during the act of sexual intercourse or via artificial insemination (otherwise knows as the turkey baster method).  While the source of the sperm will certainly affect certain physical and even perhaps psychological factors with the resulting child(s), one will never observe a sperm delivery system changing diapers, paying the bills, staying up all night with a sick child, reading a nighttime story, cooking a meal, cleaning house, comforting a broken heart or doing any of the million tasks which provide the nurturing and day-to-day care which all children need to thrive.

If we accept what I have just posited, Joseph was the de facto father of Jesus and his siblings.   We know very little about Joseph and even less about his other children.  The male siblings are named James, Joses, Judas and Simon. There is also mention of daughters, but no mention of their names.

Mary, as the mother is Jesus, is revered by many in the Church. She has a very exalted role in the Christian church and, in fact a place of particular honor and worship in the Roman Catholic Church.    Joseph, on the other hand, gets very little credit and is barely mentioned in the surviving stories of the life of Jesus.  Why is this, I wonder?  We can pretty well surmise that Jesus learned his carpentry skills from his father. We also know that that reference is made to barely pubescent Jesus smarting off to these parents.  In both Luke and John we read similar accounts:

         In Luke 2:49 “Why were you looking for me? Knew you not that it behooves me to be about my Father’s business? Fort the works that the Father has given me to finish – the very works that I am doing – testify that the Father has sent me,

         In John 10:30 if I am not doing the works of my farther, then do not believe me.

I assume that this frustrated both of his parents.  We have to assume that in most respects he was a pretty typical child and that his parents only had a rudimentary acceptance and understanding of any mission He might have had.  Despite the auspicious beginnings, including the possibility of the virgin birth, one has to assume that life was pretty routine for this family; that it required all of them doing their chores to keep the household running.  Mary and Joseph certainly did not need a smart mouth teenager telling them that He if they would just pay attention they would have heard and remembered that He has more important work – the worth of this TRUE father!  Although we do not know the age difference between Jesus and his siblings we can well imagine that when Jesus did not do his share of the chores that it fell to this siblings to take up the slack.

We can just imagine the lecture or the bitten, bleeding tongues of His parents.

It is difficult to find out a lot about the role of the father in Biblical times.  Thee are references to educating the child in terms of practical skills as well as teaching them what it means to be a responsible and spiritual person.  There are even references to modeling being a good husband and making sure that the male children learned a trade.  It appears that it would have fallen to Mary to teach a trade or adult responsibilities to the girls.

There have been an increasing number of studies documenting that the roles of both parents is important in the development of the child.  It seems that the role of the same sex parent type person/mentor is vey important.  It certainly seems that if both parents are of the same gender, but opposite of that of the child, that it is important that the child have role daily hands on models of the opposite sex.  Certainly it is of vital importance that children learn that they are valued and loved by both parents.  One of the ways children learn that they are valued is for them to have responsibilities at which they can learn to excel.  Schoolwork is one of those responsibilities as is a sense of ownership in the home and being a member of a family.   Increasingly we are learning that the gender roles can be much more fluid that many previously believed.

With Mary and Joseph we are dealing with a very traditional family. It seems as if Joseph was the primary breadwinner while Mary ran and maintained the home.  One also must not forget the fact that she was one who carried and delivered each of the children.   

I am sill left without a solid picture of the relationship between Joseph and his children.  Although I have not researched this question with anything resembling scientific rigor, a rudimentary search did not reveal even many Google hits. Now, to be honest, I did not check out all the Google hits but I did check out several, none of which were very helpful. Neither do I remember much mention of Joseph or his role in my 3 years of study at the theological seminary.  I am sure that I am not the first one to wonder why Joseph is given so little attention as the de facto father of Jesus.

I suspect that the paucity of information or emphasis on his role has left Christians to dwell mainly on the role of God the Father as the example of fatherhood.  That certainly is not very helpful.   We have the contrasting examples of God the stern, jealous, punishing, often-angry father and God the father who sacrifices his son.  Neither is very helpful.

To be fair, there have been some attempts by those in the Christian church and some others such as my friend Doug, to speak out about the need for we fathers to be more present in a loving, teaching, nurturing way to our children.  Recent studies indicate that more fathers are very active in the day-to-day life of their children.  There has been some movement to provide opportunities for fathers to take paternity leave after the birth of a child.  I think California, however, is the only state to mandate that paternity leave be paid.   Still we are a long way from those societies in which both the role of the father and the mother is considered valuable enough to support the parents financially during at least the early stages of a child’s life.  In some countries at least one parent is assured of up to 3 yeas of paid leave after the birth of a child.  Sometimes both parents can be home at the same time, but, for the most part, only one parent can get paid parent leave at the same time.

If we, in the United States, are going to accept and honor the fact that an actively involved father figure is important in the development of a child, then we should decide to honor the role of father as more than a bread winner, sports model, or “pal”.

Perhaps if we are going to use our concept of God as the primary father figure we need to decide if we want the angry, judgmental, jealous, punishing God or the unconditionally loving, accepting God that people such as Father Gregory Boyle envisions.  The loving figure of the Buddha who suggests that we honor our strength, courage and loving core would also be a good role model. The absent father is not, however, a helpful or effective role model. 

I personally think Joseph was much more active as a father than has been discussed or thought about.   Goodness knows given the number of versions of the stories about Jesus and his life, there is nothing to prevent us from envisioning a more hands on Joseph helping to shape Jesus into the man who is able to find the courage to claim his vocation; the role, which God has planned, for him.

                                                                                    

A More Expansive God

Yesterday I wrote about some of what Father Gregory Boyle believes about kinship and God’s “boundless” compassion.

Later in the day I spend some of the afternoon reading one of Father Boyle’s books, Tattoos on the Heart:  The Power of Boundless Compassion.   Much of what he has written resonates with what has always seemed true to me.  I recall reading many years ago Mark Twain saying in Letters from Earth we humans have a narrow, restrictive, joyless concept of heaven and the Divinity.  It has seemed to me we humans often conceptualize a God who, to me, is not at all kind, attractive, or someone I would choose as a friend.  He is often conceptualized as this revengeful, egotistical, jealous, unforgiving God.  While depending on which interpretation of the New Testament one believes, one might find a concept of Jesus as part of the trinity, as one who is more forgiving and accepting of our humanness even this concept is very restrictive.  We are admonished to believe in Jesus as our savior who requires us to acknowledge him as such.  If we do not ask for forgiveness from Christ we are doomed for all eternity.   We are told we must accept Christ in order to be “saved”; that we must “go and sin no more.”

God does not fare well any better in any of the other religious frameworks. Often He is envisioned as a God who requires great sacrifice, even martyrdom.   He may ask us to denounce alcohol, sex outside of procreation, equality of men and women and much else that we humans often find desirable and enjoyable.

Historically, as a young man, I tried to be this perfect person who renounced all “sin”. Naturally I daily failed.  Even when I did manage to be “good” it was often because I was so fearful of God’s wrath and not because I really believed in being “good”.

It was only later that I came to believe that God’s was love and that love knew no bounds.  I figured that God knew we are human; that we do hurtful things to each other, Mother Nature and ourselves.   My understanding of Jesus became one of a man who just hangs out with “the least of them”.  He does not say I will love you if you beg for forgiveness, if you are truly sorry for your terrible, sinful behavior. He simply, in my mind and reading of some of the the New Testament says, “Oh come here.  Let me give you a hug and a kiss.”  Even with Judas he opens his arms and holds him close to his bosom.  He does not say, “Bad boy.  After all I have done for you.  How could you? You best get on your knees and beg for forgiveness. I may or may not grant it or ask my father to grant it. “  No, he basically says, “Oh come here. Quit acting shameful.   I knew you were human for goodness sake. Let me hug and give you a kiss.” 

Father Boyne says on page 27 of the Kindle edition, “The desire of God’s heart is immeasurably larger than our imagination can conjure. This longing of God’s to give us peace and assurance and a sense of well being only awaits our willingness to cooperate with God’s limitedness magnanimity. “  In other words, as I understand Father Boyce, all we have to do is to say to ourselves “left foot, right foot, left foot…” until we reach Her open arms and allow ourselves to be embraced. 

The very next paragraph on pages 27 and 28 of Father Boyle’s book says:

“Behold the one holding you and smiling.”  It is precisely because we have such an overactive disapproval gland ourselves that we tend to create God in our own image.  It is truly hard for us to see the truth that disapproval does not seem to be a part of God’s DNA. God is just too busy loving us to have any time left for disappointment.”

Now I realized that many in the Christian Church including the minister I just heard when I attended Easter Service do not present God as this available and accepting.   I also know that with the exception of the Buddhist philosophy or the principles of the 12-step program that there are often many rules and conditions to be met before God opens Her arms. 

Just recently, for example the Presbyterian Church approved the marriage of it as well as opposite sex couples, but stopped short of requiring all ministers in their church to perform marriages of same sex couples.   The interim pastor of the church I have been attending would not commit from the pulpit where he stood. I do know that when the city in which I am living invited local ministers to participate in performing marriage ceremonies for folks who had been waiting years to be married, this minister stated that the rules of the church requires all couple to go through premarital counseling prior to a ceremony being performed. Really! Many of these couples had been together for many years. Once again I know that I would have said that in these circumstances the rules were silly. Let’s represent the loving, compassionate God and welcome these couples into God’s

Earthly committee. Of course, that might have resulted in a call from my church superiors on Monday morning. I recall receiving many such calls when I was an ordained minister.  My superiors would get a call stating that the Reverend Pickett did such and such. I would then get a call saying that I was accused of doing such and such.  Almost always I respond with a non-shameful, “Yup, I did that.”  For example when I married the daughter of a woman who had been thrown out of the church when she had her current “husband” began living together and taking care of her former husband who was in the later stages of Alzheimer’s. This couple treated this man with enormous love. I was very impressed. Of course, I welcomed them home to the church.

Yet, the God that I envision will welcome home those church elders who kicked out this family.  He will welcome home the minister who refuses to marry same sex couples. He will welcome home all those who got remarried without having their first marriage declared non-valid in the eyes of the church. He will welcome home al the men and women on the sexual offenders list just as She will welcome home all those gang violent gang members who Father Boyle embraces as servants of God.

The teacher, Ram Dass, is often quoted as saying that “We are all just walking each other home.”  I love that quote because, for me, it implies that  (1) we are all walking side by side and (2) we will be welcomed when we arrive home

It is paradoxical that treating “sinners” with loving kindness, offering them hope and a sense of purpose accomplished more than all the jails and prisons we have erected, more than the harsh lectures of rebuke we have delivered; more than the reminders to confess their sins even while we are kicking them.

Meister Eckhart, the theologian who lived from 1260 to 1328 wrote, “God is greater than God.”   Perhaps more accurately, God (capital G) is greater than god (lower case meaning our human concept of Her).

Whether one celebrates this Sunday as a Christian holiday, an opportunity to welcome the spring, or an opportunity to gather with friends and family just because, I see it as a good opportunity to think about kinship.

Early this morning I was listening to Krista Tippett interview Father Greg Boyle, the Jesuit priest who has formed a partnership with homeless, gang members in LA.  This partnership now includes many small business ventures.  His simple message of faith has allowed many who have lived without hope to begin to live with hope.  How is it that this man who in a priest in a church with many rules, costumes and rituals and which sometimes seems to separate us from our commonness has managed to establish such a sense of kinship with/ among the homeless gang members?  How does this man set a stage for this seemingly  daily reenactment of the Easter miracles?

Father Boyle talks about a “common calling to delight in our willingness to see ourselves in kinship”.   Kinship?  He also asks, “How can I help the wounded if I don’t welcome my own wounds?”  Is this then how one acknowledges kinship?  Does one have to face one’s own wounds? Our wounds may not be the open sores which being nailed to the cross created.  They may be less visible to ourselves and others.   The wounds may be the pain of not knowing or believing that we are enough; of not believing that we belong.  The pain may be the pain of knowing that one a secret part of oneself that one thinks would others to reject one.  The pain may be the pain of knowing we have hurt others. The pain may be our secret dysfunctional family which appears to be the model to the community at large. The pain may be a physical as well as an emotional war injury.

There are a million reasons why we fail to acknowledge kinship with each other.  I suspect that it is very fearful for many of we humans to think of ourselves as essentially no different from the person in prison, the person who is a member of a violent gang, the person who is different in terms of sexual orientation, the person who dresses differently, the person who earns millions of dollars and has several large, well staffed homes, or any of the persons with whom we decide we have nothing in common or who have nothing in common with us.

Father Boyle takes the words of love and “makes them flesh”.   This is something which it seems as if we professional helpers have often failed to do.  We basically distrust ourselves and our colleagues.  We believe that we need a book of rules/ethical guidelines which can end up not protecting those we serve but keeping us separate from each other.  Unlike the 12 step program for recovering addicts, we may create an atmosphere in which we are the helper and “the other” is the client. Soon, if not careful, we forget that those we refer to as clients are merely the mirrors which helps us view ourselves and, thus, provide us an opportunity to grow emotionally and spiritually. 

In the private practice in which I worked for many years, we spent many hours formulating a simple statement of purpose which we called the philosophy which would guide our behavior.  We could also have called it a mission. Basically it stated that the goal of  the counseling service was to create a space in which those we referred to as staff could continue their healing journey and then invite those we would refer to as clients to share in that healing space. To be sure, we added some guidelines of how we would implement this policy.  Our most significant concern was that we practice the same level of honesty and openness that we know those we called clients had to practice if they were to heal.  This meant that we would have to help each other not confuse our needs with those of the clients. Essentially we did not want to treat others as objects to be used or allow others to use us as objects. 

We assumed that there was a relationship of kinship which presumes equality regardless of age, income, ability to pay, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or other characteristics which do not define our sacred humanness.

Many professional organizations would and do insist that we need to spell out in many pages what it means to protect the clients from the professionals.  In the not too distant past, the ethical guidelines for most  professional organizations were a few simple statements similar to the 2/3 page philosophy of our counseling association. 

I am sure that the some Bishops and others in the Catholic Church would and do worry about the level of equality which Father Boyle has with and for whom he works.  I am sure that he, in their words, risks putting himself being accused of inappropriate behavior.  I suspect, however, that the risk is minimal even for those who have been living at the survival level.  My experience and apparently the experience of Father Boyle is that when we genuinely put ourselves in a relationship with our brothers and sisters instead of doing for “the other” there is very little risk of being falsely accused.

One might question if this approach does not create fuzzy boundaries.  Although I understand the concern, I think, on the other hand, that when we put ourselves in “relationship with” we are more aware of the gifts we have to offer each other and more likely to honor and respect those.  The commitment, for example, to be a teacher or counselor with someone is a very sacred commitment.  The commitment of the student or counselee is also a sacred commitment.  Because we love and respect each other we are going to take our respective roles very seriously.

Before seeing/talking with a student or client I remind myself of the following:

·      First and foremost I am entering into a relationship between two sacred human beings.

·      This could  be the last moment of life for one of us. Thus, I need to live my life with that truth in mind.

·      If welisten carefully we will reflect what is needed to be heard from both of us.

Father Boyle would sum this up by reminding himself and us that our common calling is to delight in our willingness to see ourselves in kinship.

The Hallmark Card Syndrome

For some, this weekend is celebrated as Easter, an important holiday in the Christian tradition when the belief that “Jesus was crucified, died, was buried and rose again on the third day” is celebrated.  It is the time when Christians celebrate the belief that there is forgiveness for all of the way we humans hurt ourselves, each other and mother nature; that we can be loved no matter what we have done or what is done to us;

For others this is strictly a commercial or cultural holiday which is metaphorically symbolized by the Hallmark Card concept of a nuclear, historically heterosexual, Caucasian family, going to church, coloring eggs together, making hot cross buns and being supremely and blissfully happy with each other. There is no family dissension, no cancer, no drug addiction, no family members in jail, no divorce, no hunger and no war. Everyone in the family loves everyone else and has come home for the holiday.

Commercially there are new clothes (stylish, expensive jeans with premade, strategically places holes which can be worn to Church), fresh haircuts and styles from the local stylist, more and more elaborate egg dying kits (or pre-dyed eggs for those too busy to do their own),expensive chocolate and expensive Easter Basket gifts.

Most important, it is a time to be with family and to be happy. Above all, one must fit into this photo or be miserable.   The person who is alone and with an unhealthy family and claims not to be miserable must be in denial, taking many drugs or engaging in some other mind numbing behavior.  Many bars and other venues will cater to those who must escape the shame and loneliness of being alone this Hallmark weekend.

Thus, this morning while at the gym I found myself thinking, for a second or two, that here I was alone for the Easter holiday weekend.  Obviously this must be because I am a very undesirable person who no one wants to be around.    Gone were my earlier thoughts of gratitude for a weekend without any obligations.  Gone was the fact that I was alone by choice. I have just recently visited my son, have had company from out of town, spent an afternoon with other friends, am going to see several dear friends next week, and on, most days, have a lot of contact with people I love and enjoy.  We may or may not gather for Easter, Passover or holidays specific to our cultural and religious heritage. Our celebration may or may not match a particular Hallmark card although in true Capitalistic and political corrections fashion one can find a card to match just about any type of celebration.  We may just be happy to be alive and relatively healthy.  We may be just making it through the day. We may secretly enjoy a day of solitude. 

What I find interesting is the extent to which all of us can be influenced by the cultural and commercial messages of what should or should not make us happy.  Of course, I would like to be able to honestly claim that I am so spiritually evolved that I am not, even for a second, affected by what I will call the Hallmark Syndrome.   I think that though even Google has neglected this malaise as far as I can determine, it is a syndrome, which is widely recognized.  It is similar to the everyone wants to be a parent syndrome, everyone wants to be wealthy syndrome; everyone wants to die from the stress of doing a job they hate for money which pays for the medical problems caused by the stress syndrome; or everyone wants to look 20 at 80 syndrome.

As we near the annual modern day rites of graduation from high school and college, I wonder how many are living their dream and how many are living the dreams of their parents or the perceived expectations of their culture.   I recently had a friend call me.  Her son – a delightful, sensitive, musically talented, loving man  - is about to graduate from college. She was asking for advice of how he should approach the next step of finding a job.  I suggested that he read Parker Palmer’s book on vocation and that he write about what he envisions as his vocation. This may or may not mirror the expectations of what the next stage of his life will look like.   It may or may not fit the Hallmark Syndrome.

So, on this weekend, it may benefit all of us to forget the Hallmark Card comparison and just be wherever we are with or without friend and family close by.   It may be interesting to discover what one honestly feels  about the state of his or her life .  If one is truly unhappy or discontented then perhaps one needs to figure out the next step in claiming the life one wants.

For as long as I can remember it has been my goal to be more aware of my prejudices and to  practice letting go of them.    Just this morning at the gym I said to Anna, Happy Easter.  Anna quickly let me know that she is Jewish. She went on to say that ar times growing up there was a distinction between religious holiday and cultural holidays. Certainly Easter could be considered by some to be both a cultural and a religious holiday.

Still, my goal is to honor the fact that we are a very diverse community and, thus, to quit making assumptions based on habits I learned as a child.  When I was growing up  the primary assumption in the school and the church I attended was that we were all Caucasian, heterosexual, Christian, physically abled, of average or better IQ and that we came from a two parent, intact family.  It was also assumed that there were no alcoholics or other addicts on “our side of the track”, that only bad people went to jail, and if you were a good person and worked hard you would grow up, get married to a person of the opposite sex, have 2.5 children, a sheepdog, get a job where one would work until one retired and be proud of being a God fearing Christian and a patriotic American (U.S. Citizen).  I also learned that “good girls” wanted to be homemakers, loved to cook and take care of children and would work (outside the home) only if needed as a school teacher or nurse.   I learned that “men” wanted to work, might have a few beers with the boys, smoked, provided for their family, was a good handy person, loved sports and left the emotional health of the family up to the “girl” to whom they were married. Additionally boys “sowed their wild oats” but never with “the good girls”.

I did not learn that some people were Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, atheist  or even agnostic. I did not learn that there were healthy homosexuals (instead of “faggots), women whose career other than homemaker was primary, that many careers were  possible, that we had all originated from Africa and that no one was racially pure.   I did not learn that good people sometimes went to jail, could have the disease of addiction, that language was used to keep women out of certain jobs or from making enough to live independently.  I did not learn that chores know no gender although some require a certain type of strength technique.

On the other hand I “observed” that my grandmother Pickett has a sister in a mental hospital, that I had a cousin who had “shell shock”, that two of my grandfathers sisters were divorced and were able to  make a decent living for themselves (referred to as somewhat loose) that my Aunt Marie on my mother’s side got divorced and made a very good living. that my  paternal grandparents would get a divorce and later get remarried (complete with a prenuptial  agreement); that an older cousin had homosexual relationships, but did the “right” thing and got married to a woman, that my parents fought often and did not themselves go to church, and that it was rumored that my grandfather Pickett drank “way too much.  I also observed that some of my paternal grandmother’s sisters’  profession was primary and that their husband’s job was secondary.

I had a female cousin who went to college (a first) and who committed suicide. Later I was told by my maternal grandfather, “You know why she killed herself.  She got pregnant by one of those n---ers and killed herself and a dam good thing she did.”   I was well into adulthood when I heard this and was “shocked” that this kindly old man would say something so cruel.  Allegedly, no one in the family knew this.  This same grandfather who would stand on the corner crying when I drove off would say to me, “You not only drive a G.. Dam foreign car. You are a G.. Dam minister and you got a G.. Dam divorce.”

Just like the move “Far From Heaven” there was a disparity between what was obvious to even the casual observer who was ready to see and what we learned or were taught.  It was as if both movies  - the one I was taught and the one I observed – were running concurrently, but the one I was taught was in the foreground and the one I observed was in the background. 

It is not surprising then that, ever after many years of trying to rid myself of unsavory, intolerant habits of thought and actions , that I  continue to say things which are not reflective of what I know or believe.   Sometimes the old habits just take over.  Just as soon as the words or a behavior is “released into the universe” I am acutely aware that I just did it again.  I said “Happy Easter” to Anna knowing full well that there was no reason to assume she celebrates the cultural or spiritual holiday of Easter.

Again, I am reminded of how important it is to (1) be honest with myself about the fact that I need many more hours of practice in learning the language of tolerance and (2) that if I want to change I must be diligent in my daily practice.  Certainly, for me, talking with others when I notice my lack of tolerance  and writing about it help me to change the program in my brain. This does not make my social faux pas’ any less unattractive or unkind.  This will help me to make fewer of them.

Already this morning I had another reminder that I continue to have issues of control or, rather, issues related to not having control. 

For whatever reason this morning  I did not want to get out of bed even though I was wide awake at my normal time. Well, perhaps not “wide” awake, but certainly not asleep either.  It is one of those lazy, Southern, humid days which reminds one who did not grow up in the South why people in the South move slower than we Northerners. 

As is my habit, after shaving and dressing for the gym I sat down to do an hour of email and text messaging prior to going to the gym.  It quickly became evident that I had no internet service.  I unplugged the modem and the router as is always recommended.  After waiting a few minutes, I plugged them in again.  Nothing.  Still no internet service.  By this time I was at least 20 minutes behind schedule.  Now, this is not a big deal.  While I had a list of tasks I wanted to accomplish prior to seeing my first  scheduled client of the day there was nothing that “had” to be done this morning.  If this is the case, what possible difference could it make if I was unable to do email  at my scheduled time?  What difference does it make if some of the other tasks on the list have to be rescheduled for tomorrow?  Whether or not these tasks gets done in the time frame I had decided  is not important.  If I die tomorrow and they were not done this would not cause any harm to anyone or make any significant difference in my life or the life of anyone close to me.  Yet, there is this internal alarm that goes off in me which says that “This is a big deal.”  When some part of my mind decided that something is a big deal and I am not able to tend to what tasks which is setting off this alarm, then I am aware of an internal anxiety  which I will experience as frustration, anger or just this general sense of dis ease. 

Clearly, I am quicker to recognize how silly all this is than I used to. In fact almost immediately when I begin to feel this sense of frustration or dis-ease I know that it is because of my lack  of acceptance of the fact that I have no control.  I have known for a very long time that any belief, feeling or behavior which indicates that I am in control of anything is an illusion or delusion!    I cannot count on being well enough to get out of bed, to take care of myself once I get out of bed or to accomplish any other task. 

Theoretically, as my friend Dr. Johnen would point out, any change is an opportunity. Thus, if I am put on hold while trying to resolve some issue, this is an opportunity to practice spiritual acceptance, to laugh at myself, to put the phone on speaker phone and sort through that ever increasing stack of “papers” on my desk.  Theoretically, I could be grateful for this gift of time.  Am I?  Hardly!  At least that is not my first or second or third thought.   My first  thought is, “Don’t these people know my time is important?  What happened to change the fact that I used to be able to pick up my old, rotary or later touch dial phone, get an operator and get connected to a live human being who would be more than pleased to be of service to me.  That was how many years ago? That is not how my world has functioned for a long time. Why would I even expect such service?  I know better than to expect such service. I have had a very long time to get used to the fact that many people have been replaced with automated phone systems which do not involve a live human being and, if it eventually involved a life human being she or she may or may not have the same language I do as their primary one.

I many other ways I have more immediate access to many people in all parts of the world than I did 10, 20 or 50 years ago.  I now can email my friends in Australia and the very next time they check their email they will find my note has arrived.   In fact, their smart phone may alert them with a bell or some other melodious reminder that a message has arrived in their email box.  No longer do I wait six weeks to exchange a letter with these particular friends.  There was clearly a time in my life when I wrote a letter and it went by boat to Australia, got read and responded to and then the return letter took another three weeks all for the relatively low price of postage.   In those days one did not pick up the phone and make an “overseas” call unless it was a dire emergency.   One might occasonally spring for the extra money to send the letter via airmail. Airmail was  more expensive than boat mail.

I suppose I am just reminding myself that the world has changed and will keep on changing.   Change, after all, is the only constant.  Both my Christian Faith and my Buddhist philosophy remind me that there is nothing solid or permanent. All is is flux.  The Presocratic Philosopher Heraclitus is quoted as saying:

δὶς ἐς τὸν αὐτὸν ποταμὸν οὐκ ἂν ἐμβαίης.

•   You could not step twice into the same river.

As quoted in Plato, Cratylus, 402a.

(copied from Wikiquote)

At some level we humans have always know that nothing is solid.  Many college papers have been written on this subject. We get constant reminders.  Yet, apparently a part of me expects to be able to act as if I have some control and to have the right to be frustrated, anxious, indignant, angry or any reaction other than calm acceptance  of this basic truth - of this  spiritual reminder.  

I would love to immediately say to myself “Ah! Another reminder; another opportunity to practice spiritual acceptance.”  I am not there most of the time!.  The best I can do is to laugh at myself and resolve, once again, to remind myself of  basic truth which is not a big deal.

There is this delightful young couple I see at the gym two or three times a week.  They are seemingly always in a positive mood, say good morning and seem to really like each other.  My assumption is that they are married/partners/a couple!.   Yesterday  I was  asking her if they deliberately choose complimentary or matching gym outfits in terms of colors.  Yesterday his shirt and her gym shorts were nearly the same color.  She insisted that they did not. I do know that with many couples wh have spent lots of time together this often seems “to just happen”.  This happen with my close friend Vilja  and I. Often I will show up wearing a tie or a shirt which matches what she is wearing.  We often laugh about this.

At any rate, this got me to thinking about couples that I admire; about how well they compliment each other emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. They also seem to work well together on practical issues.  This is certainly true of my good friend Vilja and I. We have worked together in the  home and professionally.  We both appreciate each other’s skills and talents.   The only time we did not do well together was when we were sharing a home and  had to decide what kitchen tools to keep in the relatively small kitchen. We both like to cook a lot and have our favorite tools as well as our favorite pots and pans. 

My earliest recollection of a couple which I admired was my Uncle Happy(Harold) and Aunt Pleasie.  Even as a small child I knew that I loved spending time with them individually and as a couple.  They seemed to be interested in what the other was saying, easily shared chores without keeping score or fussing about how the other was doing a particular task. They said thank you a lot – with words, their eyes or a touch.

Much later I could to know my Becky and Bob.  Again, they seemed to be a couple who appreciated the talents and energy which each brings to the relationship.  They  do not always agree but they always speak of the opinion  of the other with respect. When hard decisions that need to be made, such as the decision to focus their money, time and energy on raising their nephew following the death of his parents (dad died when he was about five and mother when he was 12) they are able to do this with good humor and not as a burden.  They seem to easily accept the fact that Becky is able to do emotional care taking in a very direct and hands one way. Bob, on the other hand, is better at playing the supporting role – doing other tasks which makes it possible for Becky to do part she does well.

Then there is John and Pinky who are both deceased.  I have several reminders of them in my home including a cross stitches couch pillow with a image of my old Victorian house. John and Pink were married for nearly 70 years before she died.  In the last few years of their lives I regularly had lunch with them.  They always seemed delighted to  be with each other and interested in what the others was doing and thinking.  Every day they “met” for cocktail hour (she had a thimble full of sherry) to share their day.  Sometime others would join them. Sometimes it was just the two of them.  If I am recalling accurate she was 97 when she died and he was 99 or 100. He moved into a retirement home and lived for about a year following her death.  He seemed to make the transition easily to this last stage of his life although the fact that he died within year might have been related to the grief.  When Pinky died she had just accepted a new job of redecorating a restaurant in Pittsburgh. They both had active minds and lives thus giving them much to bring back to the relationship.

I recall Virginia saying when my friend Rudy died.  “Weren’t we lucky. We had six whole weeks together after we married.”  She was perfectly serious.   Rudy was husband number two to die before she did.  She later married George and, they do, had a delightful relationship.  After his death one day when I was visiting with my friend Vilja, she proudly showed us her new pool stick  which was in its own leather case. A young man whose grandfather was a resident in the same retirement home was teaching her to play pool.  It was not surprising that men and women liked spending time with Virginia or that Virginia in a retirement complex which had very few “eligible” men in their eighties and nineties would find two husbands!

I can think of many other couples I know who I really enjoy being with: Barbara and Lanny; Julia and Fred; Patti and Bob; Terry and Don;  Kurt and Marv; Frank and Dee (prior to his death); George and Candace; Jess and George; Bonnie and Carl; Cheryl and Carl.   Mercy! I am blessed to have many such couples.

I am sure that we have all been in the company of those couples who we could not wait to get away from.  Even if they were not arguing or  being unkind to each other they seemed, as a couple, to be energy vampires. They clearly did not enjoy each other.   The couples about who I am talking give off energy and are a joy to be around.  One can sense that they are together because they know that they want to be together and not because of some shared commitment or because they believe that they are “stuck” in this relationship.

It is not only couples, but occasionally families or teams of people who give off the same positive energy.

Although I am now living in Florida and have yet to experience a serious storm, often I have been in a neighborhood following a heavy snowfall, a house fire or some other neighborhood situation in which all the neighbors come together to respond with whatever talents and abilities that they have.  Although there may be hard physical work involved one comes away from such an event emotionally full of energy.

We humans do best when we are treating ourselves and each other as sacred  co-travelers in this very brief life journey. We are salt and pepper; the rain and the sunshine;  tops and bottoms; truly parts of a whole.

Eight months ago I closed my private practice in Wheeling and moved to Florida.  Among the many decisions I made was the decision to not work full time, but to do a very limited private coaching  practice. Although I had planned to get my counseling license in Florida, I was not sure that I wanted to use it.   Little did I know that getting a license in Florida would prove to be so difficult.  I was able to get my certification as an addiction professional. This certification allowed me, for a time, to work for an addiction treatment facility.  For many reasons I decided not to continue that job.  I do have a few life coaching clients and continue to be committed to working for/with folks whether or not they can afford to pay very much. This has always worked well for me.

I am a good money manager and, for the most part, my wants and needs are few.  My condo/villa and my car are paid for.  Most of my daily and yearly expense I can, if I am careful, pay for out of my social security check.  The small amount I earn from life coaching can go toward luxuries such as trips to visit my son, friends and my medical care givers (doctor and dentist) in the Pittsburgh area and my mother and sisters in Oklahoma.   I was, this years, also able to join the museums in St. Petersburg, pay a yearly state park fee, maintain a gym membership and keep my bicycle in good working condition. This is a lot.  There is still have plenty of money for eating well.

I had not thought about the fact that I would have many more visitors in Florida and that I would want to join them and their families  to play and enjoy such places as Disney, Universal Studios, Sea World, art galleries, and  many other places.   If we are doing something not close to my house, eating out is another, more frequent expense when friends are visiting.

The real challenge is saying that I cannot do certain activities without leaving friends feel as if they have to pay for me if they want me to join them. It seems that invariably friends offer to pay if I say that I cannot afford to do something.  Although I love giving and receiving gifts, I do not feel right about friends having to choose to spend time without me or pay my fee.   After all, it is my choice to be living on my current budgeted amount.

I find myself feeling as if I “should” be able to afford paying my own way even if the daily cost for some event is between $100.00 and $150.00 dollars. Certainly friends are not responsible for the choices I make.   Unlike much of the world’s population I have a limited income by choice. I choose to run my business in a way which limits the income. I choose to not work another part-time job and to spend time writing, reading, visiting with friends, riding my bike and generally enjoying my very luxurious life.  If I do not have scheduled clients or other commitments, once I get home from the gym I can “waste” entire days at the library, riding my bike, or exploring and people watching.

This experience is allowing me the opportunity to explore my love hate relationship with money.   A woman I used to visit with at meetings to explore social values, Barbara Hart, used to joke with me that we wanted to be rich socialists with a clear conscience.   That is to say that we both enjoy some of the luxuries which money can buy – particularly travel, books, good food, education – but do not want to be in the position of having more than our share or enjoying some luxury while there are people in the world without the basic necessities.   It has never seemed right to me that there is such an unequal distribution of resources.  The fact that I was born with a brain which fires synapses in a certain order thus allowing me to formulate certain thoughts which can then lead to action is not something for which I can take credit. Of course, once my brain works in a certain way I can make decisions to eat healthy, exercise,  insure daily spiritual time and choose healthy emotional support.  These things then help my brain to work better which, in turn ….  

I was raised in a culture that often evaluates worth by the amount of money one has.  Sometimes this  status is observed by noticing what clothes one has, what car one drives, what house one occupies, or other worldly luxuries does one enjoy.   Of course, this is not a very accurate way to see how much money one has since one may have any or all of these luxuries and have enormous bills.  One can also have all of these things and be obtaining money through some illegal or immoral means.

One can also read in certain magazines about the relative financial worth of many of the richest people in the world. 

Still  no matter how much money a person/family seems to have or does not have, tells me anything important about how that person/family treats themselves and other people.   Certainly I know many people with much more  money than I have who are loving, generous, people who almost always put relationships as primary in their lives.   I know other people without the basics who seem unable to treat themselves or others with much love or respect. 

I am clear that what money a person has or does not have will not, in and of itself, tell me anything about the worth of a person.  Yet, a part of me continues to feel a tiny bit of shame when I have to say that I cannot afford to go out to dinner or do something else. I know that this has nothing to do with my adult belief system, but there is still this message in that internal file cabinet in my brain.  As with many other issues, I am better at noticing that this is an old message quicker and not feeding this lie.

I know that I will continue to find that my move to Florida, the change in my income status and the aging process will provide me with many more opportunities to grow emotionally and spiritually.

As is almost always true, this process is always uncomfortable for me. The discomfort may be relatively minor or it may be acute.  Still discomfort is discomfort and I do not like it.  On the other hand, the thoughts of not growing emotionally and spiritually – of being emotionally and spiritually dead – is even more uncomfortable for me.  For this fact I am very grateful.  

Following the advice of my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Johnen, I will continue to look for new opportunities in every change that change has been planned or is unexpected. Either way I know that change is inevitable.

Vocation

Since closing my counseling business in West Virginia, moving to Florida and retaining only a small caseload of clients for life coaching, I have been thinking anew about vocation for this stage of my life journey.

I am clear that I do not want to have a large private practice although Florida Department of Health has been helpful with my staying firm with that decision.  They do not want to accept my West Virginia counseling license.   This leaves me certified in Florida to work with those dealing with addiction and with life issues not involving serious mental illness.

I am also, for the first time, exploring doing a blog.  Initially I did one blog every week or every three-week or whenever time presented itself or the muse decided to pay a visit.

Recently I decided I would do a blog a day.  I am not sure how erudite my daily blogs have been or whether the content warrants a blog a day, but the discipline of forcing myself to sit down and write has been interesting and, I think, helpful.  More often than not when I sit down to write I feel as if I have nothing important to share and nothing “just appears” on the page. On the other hand usually when I am writing letters the words often seem to just appear on the paper.

I have decided that my relationship with writing is similar in many respects to all other relationships in my life.  For example:

·      For a relationship to work I have to regularly show up emotionally and spiritually as well as physically.

·      I have to show up on a consistent basis and not just when I have nothing else on my to do list.

·      I don’t always feel good about any particular relationship. At times, being present is uncomfortable.

·      The discomfort could be because I do not want to address or admit to some emotion or issue. It could be because I am feeling weak and vulnerable and am fearful of exposing too much of my own humanness.  The discomfort could be for a myriad of other reasons.

·      If I expect a positive outcome I need to put in something positive.

·      For me to be at my best in this relationship I must take care of myself emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually.

At nearly 75 I am still learning about relationships.  Although I have always been a letter writer and have often been the one in a relationship to initiate contact, at times, particularly when I was younger, I neglected relationships and expected others to just be waiting in open arms. There were times when I thought that the relationship would be better if the other person would just love me unconditionally.  At some point I figured out that I needed to give what I wanted – unconditional love.

For me, vocation is about my relationship with self, higher power/God, and Mother Nature.   When I attend to those relationships I can bring a loving, open presence to others.  I do not ask what the other person can give me, but what I can bring to the other.

No matter what I am doing for a living, it seems to me that relationship is primary. In that sense it does not matter which of many jobs I have had during my life journey I am currently performing.   If am working with cows in a diary I want to show up with love and respect to the cows as well as to my co-workers. If I show up in an angry or whiney mood even the cows will pick up on my mood. My co-workers will also pick up on my negativity.  If I am working as a counselor first and foremost I must remind myself that this human is meeting with another, equal human. The primary goal is to treat that person with love and respect and, incidentally, explore how I can be helpful.   If I am working at a bank or other business I want to keep the relationship with my co-workers and the customers as primary. 

On might say then that my vocation is to show up with love.  I can practice that vocation no matter when I am doing for a living.  Depending on the job I might have to ask myself if I am part of a company or corporate system that depend on others being treated as less then in order to make a profit. For examples, it was discovered a few years ago that a major corporation whose products I regularly use was using a factory setting where employees were forced to work for very little money and in an unsafe setting to make it products in another country.   Even though I, as a consumer, might treat the store clerk where I purchased these products with love and respect, I was participating in a larger system, which involved the mistreatment of others.  I was, in this way, violating, the ethics of my vocation and, thus, not practicing my vocation.   This would cause me to become “dis eased”.

Thus, in our complicated world,  it is not always easy to practice vocation or to determine what that might mean on a day-to-day basis.  First, however, I have to be willing to ask to lovingly, non-judgmentally ask the difficult questions.

I have found that other people such as Parker Palmer can be helpful in my pursuit of vocation.  For example, his book, Let Your Life Speak Listening for the Voice of Vocation has been very helpful.  Teachers such as Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chodron and others are also very helpful.