Whose children?
We live in an age when it is possible for many of us to have a sexual relationship before deciding to have children, protect against most sexually transmitted diseases or get treated if one contacts one, move across the country or the world to join someone we have met on line or in person, discard the shame of same sex relationships, and even accept that it may not be possible for most of us to live with the same partner for 20, 40 or 60 years. As has been frequently pointed out the average length of marriage relationships is not changing. More of us are living much longer.
Despite some concerns that humans may be reproducing at such a rate that this planet cannot, long term, support the consequent number of people, many children keep being born. In most places those children are the responsibility of the two parents and, often, of one parent. In this country and some others, many grandparents or other relatives are taking over the raising of the children. Many others as given over to the state who then attempt to provide foster or adoptive parents.
A significant number of children are shuffled back and forth between the separate homes of their biological parents. Many more children are raised in refugee’s camps and, at an early age, sent off on a perilous journey in hopes that they survive and find a safer place to live than the violent place where they were born.
In the United States and some other countries there are a relatively few villages or intentional communities such as the Bruderhof communities, Twin Oaks, and others where it is accepted that it is the responsibilities of the entire community to raise children. To a limited extent, public schools are an example of community responsibility for children. There are laws which also attempt to ensure that there the larger community assumes ultimate responsibility for the safety of children.
Yet, for the most part, we continue to act as if one or two parents and occasionally a larger family constellation living in the same house can effectively raise children. Furthermore, we act as if being able to have intercourse is a sufficient test for parenthood. In a decreasing number of homes there may be a stay at home, full time parent who may or may not have parenting skills. In a few communities, a lucky child may be “a church baby” – a child who is part of a tight knit community who jointly share the joys and sorrows of parenting.
The amazing fact is that many children do grow up to be relatively emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy adult members of the community. Many do not.
We can continue to build and staff detention centers, assign more therapists to school systems, build more “treatment centers” and find others ways of pretending that we can pin the blame on individuals, parents, schools, or others in the community or we can begin to more seriously address the issue that in our evolving stage of developments humans need a new model for child rearing. Parenting is enormous task and requires a variety of skills. Each child has unique needs, potentials and limitations. Each child deserves the best that we as a larger community has to offer irrespective of the finances, skills, limitations and health of the sperm and egg donors.
There is much that we have yet to learn about the human brain and how it develops or fails to develops. No system is going to endure the emotional, mental, and physical health of every child. Yet, I suspect we can do much better than with our current model.
Written April 7, 2018
We live in an age when it is possible for many of us to have a sexual relationship before deciding to have children, protect against most sexually transmitted diseases or get treated if one contacts one, move across the country or the world to join someone we have met on line or in person, discard the shame of same sex relationships, and even accept that it may not be possible for most of us to live with the same partner for 20, 40 or 60 years. As has been frequently pointed out the average length of marriage relationships is not changing. More of us are living much longer.
Despite some concerns that humans may be reproducing at such a rate that this planet cannot, long term, support the consequent number of people, many children keep being born. In most places those children are the responsibility of the two parents and, often, of one parent. In this country and some others, many grandparents or other relatives are taking over the raising of the children. Many others as given over to the state who then attempt to provide foster or adoptive parents.
A significant number of children are shuffled back and forth between the separate homes of their biological parents. Many more children are raised in refugee’s camps and, at an early age, sent off on a perilous journey in hopes that they survive and find a safer place to live than the violent place where they were born.
In the United States and some other countries there are a relatively few villages or intentional communities such as the Bruderhof communities, Twin Oaks, and others where it is accepted that it is the responsibilities of the entire community to raise children. To a limited extent, public schools are an example of community responsibility for children. There are laws which also attempt to ensure that there the larger community assumes ultimate responsibility for the safety of children.
Yet, for the most part, we continue to act as if one or two parents and occasionally a larger family constellation living in the same house can effectively raise children. Furthermore, we act as if being able to have intercourse is a sufficient test for parenthood. In a decreasing number of homes there may be a stay at home, full time parent who may or may not have parenting skills. In a few communities, a lucky child may be “a church baby” – a child who is part of a tight knit community who jointly share the joys and sorrows of parenting.
The amazing fact is that many children do grow up to be relatively emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy adult members of the community. Many do not.
We can continue to build and staff detention centers, assign more therapists to school systems, build more “treatment centers” and find others ways of pretending that we can pin the blame on individuals, parents, schools, or others in the community or we can begin to more seriously address the issue that in our evolving stage of developments humans need a new model for child rearing. Parenting is enormous task and requires a variety of skills. Each child has unique needs, potentials and limitations. Each child deserves the best that we as a larger community has to offer irrespective of the finances, skills, limitations and health of the sperm and egg donors.
There is much that we have yet to learn about the human brain and how it develops or fails to develops. No system is going to endure the emotional, mental, and physical health of every child. Yet, I suspect we can do much better than with our current model.
Written April 7, 2018
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