Respect, Grace and Humility

My morning began as does most Monday mornings. I got up, shaved, showered and dressed for the gym,  took my morning medications and got a cup of coffee.  Then I sat down to do emails and text messages for about forty minutes.    On Monday I first look for the weekly blog of my friend and colleague, Dr. Becky Johnen. This morning the title of the blog was “Lessons Learned Outside Our Comfort Zone” (authorbeckyjohnen.wordpress.com) In this blog Becky reminds us that growth requires that we move outside of our comfort zone to do something we are not used to doing. That could be a new skill, an activity, a thought or a new approach to an old issue. She quotes Brian Tracy as saying that  we can only grow if we are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable.    She also quotes Thomas Edison who reminded us that what we sometimes call failing is finding what does not work.

Dr. Johnen also forwarded a link to an article, which appeared in the Washington Post by Terrence McCoy on May 6 about the work of work of psychologist Sam Tsemberis who has a “novel” approach to the issue of homelessness. His answer is simple.  He is quoted as saying, “Give homes for the homeless, and you will solve chronic homelessness.”  What is more he suggests that we “give homes to addict and drunks and schizophrenics without preconditions.”  He also reminds us that homeless services often works as a reward system for kicking an addition, getting counseling, taking medication or some other worthwhile endeavor.    Mr. Tdemberis is suggesting that we have got it backwards.  He suggests that first we give someone a home and then provide counseling and other assistance. Further he suggests giving them a final say in everyfhing– where they live, what they own, how often they are counseled.

I have always been mystified by the seeming expectations and often “demands’ that sick people act well before they receive help.  I have worked with the chronic homeless, the chronic mentally ill, the person who cannot seem to stay in recovery, the person who keeps ending up back in jail and the person who does not want to pray before being allowed to eat.  When I have worked within the structure of an organization too often the organization punished sick people for missing appointments, not following their evidence based goals, or not following other rules, which we may have framed as recommendations. 

When “they” do not “behave” we label them as non-compliant.   When I attempt to explain to other clinicians or service providers why non-compliance is such an unacceptable term I often encounter confusion Resistance is another term that I recommend we do not use. If we have to use a term, let’s use the term adherence, which, by definition, was coined to mean a tentative plan drafted by the service provider and the person being served.  When that plan does not work, there is no blame –just the acknowledgement that a more effective plan is needed.

I was thinking this morning of the word respect which “dictionary.com” defines as “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by his or her abilities, qualities, or achievements.”

As Mr. Tsemberis points out surviving on the streets takes a lot of skills.  Surviving as a drug addict takes a lot of skills.  I have often admired the level of skill demonstrated by many of “the least of these”.  They have skills that I do not come close to possessing. I am often in awe of those skills.

Later this same morning I was reading an article about the meeting between Raul Castrol and Pope Francis.   Mr. Castro is quoted as saying, “I read all the speeches of the pope, his commentaries, and if the pope continues this way I will go back to praying and go back to the church. I’m not joking,” he said.” (St. Petersburg Tribune, May 11, 2015, page 9).  I find this a pretty amazing statement. What is that the pope has said or done which could be so impressive to Mr. Castro?  I looked up some of the quotes of Pope Francis on google and found:

         Although the life of a person is in a land full of thorns and weeds,

         there is always a space in which the good seed can grow. You

         have to trust God.

          A little bit of mercy makes the world less cold and more just.

         Grace is not a part of consciousness; it is the amount of light

         in our souls, not knowledge or reason.

         If one has the answer to all the questions – that is the proof

         that God is not with him. It means that he is a false prophet

         using religious for him. The great leaders of the people of

         God, like Moses, have always left room for doubt. You most leave

         room for the Lord, not for certainties; we must be humble.

         I see the church as a field hospital after battle. It is useless to

         ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and

         about the level of his blood sugars. You have to heal his wounds.

         Then we can talk about everything else.

On could go on and on, In fact I downloaded seven pages of such quotes by Pope Francis.  Although I do not agree with many of the teachings and practices of the Catholic Church, I trust Pope Francis in his attempt to reclaim the simple faith that we humans respond  with respect for and with each other.   I cannot find any evidence that Jesus, Buddha or another spiritual teacher that I respect required a person to act a certain way before an embrace was extended. Whether Jesus was talking to the prostitute or Judas, he merely said, “Oh Jim, come here, let me give you a hug.”

While my experience tells me that we humans are going to act like humans; that addicts are going to act like addicts; that homeless people living on the street are going to respond with doubt and caution, that the professional criminal is going to find it difficult to trust, that the Christian might find it difficult to trust the Muslim and the Muslim might find it difficult to trust the Christian, we must start with respect.   My experience also tells me that false respect is always identified by the streetwise person and by the person living at a survival level.   If we are offering pity  than  than the person will know that and will respond with distrust and even contempt.

We spend millions of dollars on jails, the legal system overall, on police forces and on systems to identify those who are not deserving of our help; those who do not obey all the rules or who are not appropriately grateful for the leftover crumbs.   What I understand Pope Francis, Father Gregory Boyle, the Mother Theresa’s of the world, and the Sam Tsemberis’ of the world to be suggesting is that we start with respect. I suspect that true respect could also be defined as love. It really is quite simple.   Even the person whose mental illness is not responsive to any known treatment deserves our love and respect. They may need restrained and to be housed in a safe space, but they deserve our love and respect.   We would want that for our brothers, our sisters, our children, our parents, our neighbors, and ourselves.  Truly we can be that sister or brother or neighbor, or parent or child. Truly that person can be us.

I have long been fascinated by discussions of the concept of time. What is time?  What does it measure?  Is it real or is it an illusion?  Perhaps it is a delusion.

Nathan Palmer in an  article entitled “How Time is a Social Construct” suggests that is a social construct. He defined a social construct as “…something that a group of people create and maintain.”   He goes on to say that if we are going to understand the concept of social construct, we also need to understand symbolic interaction.  He then says that  “Social interactionsts argue that we use symbols that have shared meaning to communicate with one another and create reality.”(sociologyfocus.com “How Time is a Social Construct”)

Dr. Demetrios Matsakis at the Naval Observatory suggests that time is the coordinate that helps us understand the evolution of the universe.”  (quoted by Mr. Palmer in aforementioned artice).

Professor Warren Meck devised a physiological model for measuring the passage of time. He found the representation of time to be generated by the oscillatory activity of cells in the upper cortex. (Wikipedia  - google measuring time).

If one wants to have a lot of fun one can also read about Einstein’s theory of relativity and subsequent theories which seem to suggest a different way of understanding and talking about time. 

All this is very interesting, but does not necessarily help us live our life.  We humans seems to find it very handy to divide something we will call time into past, present and future (I am deliberately sticking to rough terms).  In fact, we seem to spend most of our journey thinking about what has happened in which we will choose to call the past or thinking about what might or not happen in what we will call the future.  We are very seldom with each other in a shared reality.  Yet it is this shared reality which helps us determine whether we are asleep and dreaming having a lucid dream or are fully awake.    When we are dreaming movement, objects, sounds and perceptions seem very real.  When we are experiencing lucid dreams it can be even more difficult to tell if we are asleep or awake.  In the movie, “A Beautiful Mind” at one point Professor Nash has to ask one of his students if there is another person talking to him or if that person exists only as a delusion.

It is true that we  need some social construct which allows us to talk about the spiritual and emotional concept of being present  or showing up in the present moment  since the present is really all that we have.  To me, this means that my focus is on the world as I am in this moment experiencing it.   In this moment the only reality is what I am currently experiencing.  If I am focusing on the past then I am located in the past and not now present. If I am focusing on the future than I am located in some illusory point  or world which may or may not come to fruition.

Obviously, by focusing on what my mind tells me was yesterday I cannot change what happened or did not happen. I suppose I could make up a new version of the past which apparently we humans do with even more regularity than we care to admit.

I also have no control over what might or might not happen in what I choose to call the future.  In fact I have no idea of what the future will hold or not hold.  Just this morning I read about tornadoes visiting sections of the Midwestern United States, typhoons visiting other areas of the world, snow falling in yet other parts of the world while within the coordinate I current occupying it is very hot and humid.  I also read about robberies, scams, shootings, accidents as well as other accounts of how we humans are interacting with ourselves, each other and the rest of the universe.

While reading I was sitting within a particular set of coordinates. Currenty I am sitting in front of my laptop in what I am calling my living room in a  villa located in the Health Hills Villa Complex in Dunedin, Florida.  The time which my calendar tells me was yesterday does not exist and the time I am worried about in what I call the future does not exist.

What might happen if I could just be present with the orchid which is blooming in my garden, to the knowledge that I had some wonderful “moments” with my friend Cheryl this morning, to the fact that I am able to sit and type, move about, smell the scents in the air, feel the air and talk with a friend via the magic of a cell phone?   If I can allow myself to do that I will not be judging what I did or did not do.  I will not be thinking about what might or might not happen in what we humans call the future. I will not make you feel as if I am here but not here. I will not leave you feeling alone even though your eyes are sending signals to your brain that  there is some object disturbing the pattern of light.

In the absence of all this chatter I might find that my there is no need for the social construct of time except  in the way it allows us to playfully explore each other and how we can cherish each other.

I just got off the phone with a lovely young woman who has been mentally beating self up because of the fact that if she had not had an abortion some years ago she would be celebrating mother’s day with that child today.  Well, goodness.  If she had not had the abortion we do not know whether the child would have been born and lived to the current day or whether she would have lived or …   We only know that today she can show up with love and make the best decisions she can. Today she is with a man who loves her and who she loves. For today she and he are in recovery, working and have a good life. For today she can be a loving presence to herself, her partner and the universe as it exists for her at this moment.

In the meantime we can continue to play with the concept of time and other social constructs. That could be great fun but not if we make it a test of our worth which will then take us away from any possibility of new thoughts or ideas arriving in our mind. In order to have new thoughts we must let go of what we call the past and what we call the future. With a twinkle in our eyes we can “be”!

I was visiting my friend Cheryl at the hospital this morning. Physically  she is having fewer symptoms than she was even a few days although she is far from well and far from the level of physical wellness she was prior to the cancer attempting to take over parts of her body.  She and I again agree that, in some very important ways she is healthier than she was prior to cancer or the latest complications of cancer treatment or the onset of other medical conditions such as an L1 compression fracture and “blowing out” the hiatal hernia repair. From an emotional and spiritual standpoint she is healthier.   Being able to say that does not negate the fact that she still has cancer and some other major physical health issue. It also does not negative the fact that she is aging and will sooner or later be ready to let go of this life journey. 

Often this week she has gone from laughter to extreme pain to sorrow to grief to fear to laughter to.   If others had listened (and they probably could not help but hear) to either my loud laughter or her chuckles emanating from her room they might have thought she was much too well to be in the hospital.   Unlike many of we humans, both Cheryl and I know that being able to cherish life and to enjoy a good belly laugh does not entail avoiding the sorrow. They are not mutually exclusive experiences.  In fact I have long maintained that when we run from or try to hide from the sorrow we also hide from the joy, which is always present.  I do not think we humans can experience the full impact of the beauty of life without also experiencing the excruciating sadness of life.  Pema Chrodon in her CD entitled “Getting Unstuck” quotes Trungpa Rinpoche:  “Being able to “hold the sorrow of the world in your heart, while never forgetting the Great Eastern Sun” which is the big vision, bigger perspective. The Global perspective. The sense of unlimited time and space.”

Sharing this time in the hospital both in the critical care unit during which there was a question of whether she would continue or end this life journey and then later in a regular hospital room it has been as Charles Dickens says in The Tale of Two Cities, “…the best of times and the worst of times.” She has experienced the most lovely, loving sense of community with the many of the staff of the hospital. Wonderful, healing souls have made this a joyful time. At the very same time she has experienced great physical pain as well as the emotional pain of accepting limits and not being able to delude herself into thinking she has tomorrow with her children and grandchild.

My good friend Vilja as well as her now deceased father has had the ability to be totally present to the beauty, which is always available without denying the reality of extreme pain, or the sorrow of not being able to protect one’s loved ones. Her father Rudy could be on a train to a camp during world war II and decide to focus on the beauty of the mountains.  Many in war situations learn how to do this. Without using drugs or other dangerously impairing methods they are able to cherish a letter from home, a meal, a moment with a friend, a bit of music, or something else which is truly positive

The body of music knows, as “Voices of the Holocaust-Sheridan Seyfriend” which was composed in the concentration camp in the midst of the reality of the gas chambers is another powerful example of the ability of we humans to simultaneously experience unimaginable sorrow and an amazing depth of joy and beauty.

Whether the sorrow is our own past hurtful behavior, the death of a loved one, the experience of war, being raped or otherwise assaulted, it is real and has to be fully experienced if we are to ever again experience real joy – the Eastern Sun.

It is not surprising that we humans want to avoid the sorrow and the pain.  It feels as if it is too much to bear; as if we will break from the weight of the grief.  Yet, as anyone who has worked with war veterans, survivors of sexual or other assault one must scream, cry out with rage and pain, which threatens to rip out ones insides before one can live with it and find the joy and beauty which also continues to exist. 

Those who work in hospice or in other setting in which people are living the last days or hours know how healing it can be to fully experience pain and joy.

In some parts of our culture, wakes are very common.  If any reader has experienced what I would call a real wake, they have experienced the comfort of being in a place where the grief is like an open wound – raw and bloody and loud – and the laughter is side splitting which rises from ones bones.

It is time we quit telling people it will be okay or pretending as if the pain is not as bad as it is and honor the duality of pain and joy– of being able to “hold the sorrow of the world in our hearts while never forgetting the great Eastern Sun.

I have always admired refugees and other immigrants who could risk leaving behind houses, family members, country, often professions, and all else, which many of us use to as anchors to give us a sense of identity.     When one leaves all this behind, one has a rich opportunity to experience who one is apart from all those paper Mache anchors.

Just this morning I was listening to an interview with a woman who was, I believe, an attorney in Yemen.  She and her 14 children and grandchildren left behind many so-called esteemed profession jobs, reputations, and possessions.  The woman whose name I did not get to make a note of since I was driving seemed very clear that they did not want to leave their country, but felt that they did not have any other viable option at this time.   I am sure that she and her family are sad to be uprooted. They, as has long been true for other refugees and immigrants, may have to work at low-paying non-professional jobs, all live together in small apartment and face, which so of us would consider, hardships.  Yet, I did not get the impression that this woman and her family thought that they were leaving themselves behind in Yemen. They are taking what are essentially they to wherever they end up.

Later I was talking with a friend whose apartment has been inhabited by bedbugs.  Among other tasks required to get rid of the bedbugs is the task of washing all one’s laundry.  Unlike the refuges fleeing Yemen, he has three large bags of just clothes plus bed linens and other washable belongings.  We were laughing about how much many of we humans, even those of us who have a relatively small income, can accumulate.   We not only accumulate but also feel as if some part of us is dependent on these things to exist.    My friend is not a hoarder, but has accumulated a lot of “stuff” which feels/seems very important to him.

Another friend has, for the past 8 years,  lived in the home of her deceased sister-in-law so that she could raise her nephew in the home and school system in which he was most familiar.  Soon he will graduate from school and she will move full time back to a home with her husband. They will either live in the home they shared prior to the death of his sister or they will get another place.  She was saying that it would be relatively easy for her to get rid of most things she has not used in eight years. It may be more difficult for her husband who has maintained that home and lived part-time with she and their nephew.  My friend is also a very spiritual person and sees the ease of letting go of a lot of “stuff” as a blessing.

I moved last August from a 3 stories plus basement and garage home to a two bedrooms, 2 baths, and small garage villa/condo.  I easily got rid of a lot of “stuff” although I still brought more books, artwork and kitchen items than I needed.  When I have been here a year this coming August it is my plan to get rid of anything I have not used in the past year. The exception will be anything my son might want. Although it is nice to have room for my home office and the necessary office equipment and to still have room for overnight guests I need to remind myself that for much of my adult life I have lived in communal housing or in very small apartments. My four siblings, my parents and I spent much of my childhood in a three-room house without running water or electricity. Any stress we had was not because of the lack of space to put “things” or even the lack of “things”.   The stress we had was related to the unhappiness of my mother and the marriage relationship with my father. My mother, who at 95 recalls this time of our life as idyllic, was very shameful of being poor and certainly had not been raised to bear the burden of the hard physical labor of living under such conditions and trying to grow and can enough food to feed our family.  Still, for a different person or in a different relationship it might have been easier.  Perhaps, however, she would have been just as unhappy.  I have never been convinced that the ideal profession for my mother was being a mother and house person. When, long after I had left home, she became an LPN and worked in a hospital she seemed much happier although she still did not seem to enjoy being a parent or grandparent except in very small doses. She was not born at a time when it was easy to make a choice to forego becoming a parent and focusing on being a professional woman although there were lots of women working in factory and other jobs while the “men and a few women” went off to war.

In any case my mother and even I grew up in a family and a time when one’s identify was closely tied t one’s profession and/or roles. The Christian church and or those values with which most of my relatives identified seemed to strongly associate one’s worth with ones roles.  I do not think that this reflected the teachings of Jesus, but it certainly reflected my understanding of what the Christian church was then teaching.

Individual such as the woman and her family from Yemen challenge me to think in terms of a different reality-a reality, which assumes an essence, which is not related to roles, possessions, or titles.  I am challenged to continue the process of letting go of my attachments to being this middle-class, formally educated person. Moving to Florida where most people do not know my background or my attachments has been helpful, although the fact that I still work part time, have a web page and a blog and live in a middle class area make it easy for me to hang on to an character who purports to be me, but who I know is not me.

If I am going to continue the journey of claiming myself I will have to continue to look for teachers among the homeless, the immigrants, the refugees, those in prison and others who have, for a variety of reasons let go of “stuff and roles”.   I        no longer have an office next to a facility, which provided meals and a variety of other services to those who were homeless or near homeless.   There I had daily, sometimes in your face, teachers. Staying more spiritually centered was easier that it is in my very comfortable Florida villa with other very comfortable and “respectful” individuals.

I have long been interest in the phenomenon, which seems common with we humans of the abused becoming the abusers.  Aside from lots of research indicating the frequently of abusers having been abused, I have personally experienced this pattern.  Both when I attended enlisted boot camp in the U. S. Navy and later when I was a Midshipman at the U. S. Naval Academy it seems to me that those who had been previously treated very harshly as a new recruit or a plebe at the Academy took great pleasure when they were upper class persons or those in charge in treating the new recruits or plebes just as harshly as they had been treated.

As a person trained in clinical psychology I learned to look for a history of abuse when dealing with those who were now being abusive. Although I could not always find evidence of past abuse, frequently that was the case.  The reverse is not, however, true. Most who are abused do not become abusers (see website: 1in6.org)

On one level this makes perfect sense to me.  We humans always use the tools we have to deal with life issues. This applies to emotional issues as was as very concrete issues.    It would seem that a large percentage of people who are abused learn new ways of dealing with emotional issues either through counseling or some other means (Perhaps they just figure it out.)

On another level this makes no sense at all, especially when talking about behavior which we may not classify as abusive per se but is very negative.

This morning, while driving,  I was listening to the Diane Rehm show.  The discussion centered on individuals commonly referred to as millennial and their expectation to be mentored and treated well in the workplace. When they are not thus treated they are more likely than those in previous generations to change jobs. The discussion centered around the assertion that members of the millennial have been led to expect to be treated well and to have frequent positive feedback which was not true of many who were raised in a different generation.   Those supervising the members of the millennial generation often get very frustrated with them and more or less expect that to suck it up just as they did.

While listening I was thinking of the fact that depending on which study results one reads 42.6 % or 30% of workers say that they are satisfied with their jobs. I have also heard reports suggesting even a smaller percentage are happy at their jobs. (Google: State of workplace- Gallup or the report but the Conference Board.  Most of these figures are from 2010-1012).    Regardless of which figures are accurate there are an enormous number of people in the United States and elsewhere who are unhappy at their workplace.  Yet, these same people seem, on the whole, to be unable to create a work environment, which is more positive.  Theoretically, given the number of unhappy people, it would seem to be very simple for the majority of workers to get together and create a positive environment. In fact that might often find that the members of the millennial generation have some helpful tips on how to do this.

Even most health care workers with whom I have worked or to whom I speak are very unhappy.  One of my colleagues, a very accomplished therapist has changed jobs a number of times in recent years because of negative work environment.   Many of the clients who have hired me have been teachers, health care workers (doctors, therapists, nurses, technicians) who are unhappy in their jobs. How it is it that teachers and health care workers do not know how to create a positive work environment? Why do so many  convince themselves that they are  trapped in an unhealthy work environment?  When a new generation comes along with different expectations why are they criticized for having unrealistic expectations?

What then keeps individuals from changing the behavior in the workplace or in other organizations?  If we found one way of functioning was not working, then it would make sense that we would try another way of functioning. If we were mistreated, treated as less then, or as if we were not a valuable member of a team it would seem to make sense that we would be motivated to treat others with more kindness. At times, this does happen. Often I have talked to kind, generous people who are intentional in treating others well because of how negatively there were treated when younger.  Yet, many of we humans are not able to make this transition. Many of us end up turning our pain into anger and displacing it on others.   Then, as is our habits as humans, we have a need to justify our behavior. We may say that we have to teach others to be tough like we are, to man up or woman up! 

Those who do create a more positive environment for others no matter what their job – parent, teacher, health care worker, factory worker, farmer or whatever, fascinate me.  During the last couple of weeks I have been spending time each morning with a friend who is a patient at the Meese Countryside Hospital in Safety Harbor, Florida.  Although both my friend and I have met some seemingly unhappy employees of the hospital, most of the nurses, orderlies, technicians, and other first line staff have been enormously positive and kind to patients and each other.  In fact my friend, who is a retired health care worker  said that her faith in the young professional has been restored.   

I know of a restaurant in Pennsylvania who has always treated every employee as if they were enormously valuable. Customers love the resulting atmosphere. 

My experience in reading about, visiting and talking with staff of Trader Joes is that they have learned to create an atmosphere, which is enormously positive for employees and customers.  I know that the staff includes people of various generations. 

Perhaps some of us, as parents, have created a generation who feel entitled to be treated with enormous kindness and respect; who expected to be treated as cherished employees. I am not convinced that this is bad.  Yes, I am quite sure that we have not created a perfect generation. Still, I suspect that we have much to learn from them just as we have much to teach them. 

Again I am reminded that when we function as a team or group of equals even though we may have different job functions we are likely to perform at our very best. This is good for our individual and collective health.  This is good for the economic health of the company as well.  It should not take someone with a high intelligence quotient to figure out that treating others well will have more positive results.  Are there still going to be unhappy employees and people in general? Yes, of course there is.  Depression, unhealed traumas, medical issues and a host of other issues will need to be identified and, if at all possible, treated.   Some people may not be in a job or a relationship that they are capable of enjoying.  Still, I think we humans are capable of creating environments, which are nurturing and productive. I happen to think that the two go together.

Right Versus Right

This morning I was listening to yet another discussion of the right which is asserted by some of we humans to have complete freedom of speech even if the speech we utter is designed to (1) make someone or some group feel bad or insulted or  (2) prove a point with no other obvious outcome.

I think that the second motive is perhaps the most common although there may also be a hint of the first reason as well. 

It seems as if many of us agree that it is not okay to make fun of a child by calling him or her hurtful names although even then there is some disagreement.  It is also not okay to falsely accuse someone of something. There are laws, which allow one to collect damages in that case.

For many years and still in some places it is okay for non African American to call African Americans the N words.  Most people, however, will not condone that or agree that is okay.   Within the African American community the words take on a different meaning.   One could argue the rightness or wrongness of this. I do not intend to do so.  Since I am identified as predominantly Caucasian the only motivation I can think of for using that word would be to be hurtful.

One of the examples in recent history is the assertion of some satirical cartoonist and others to depict the face of the Prophet Muhammad, which is not allowed by Islamism. I found the following succinct explanation of the reason for this on the Quora website:

“The reason that creating depictions of Prophet Muhammad are often known to be such a great sin in Islam is because according to the faith, the Prophet was a human being and held no divinity whatsoever. The fear that one may glorify the depicted image is why — and it therefore may be considered shirk (a term used to describe the worship of anything but God) which is haram (forbidden in Islam). The fear may not seem that prevailing, but when compared to other religions (Christianity for example), the prophets are sometimes glorified more than God himself.

It is important to note that in the history of Islam, many beautiful depictions of the prophet were made. The depictions did not expose the face of the Prophet, however, so as to not be in threat of idolatry or worship to other than God. The majority of these treasures were from beautiful Persian miniatures.”

If, in fact, one knows that depicting the face of the Prophet is very insulting and upsetting to many other people why would one insist on a right to do so. The reason given is the right of free speech.  That seems to me to beg the question or the issue.    That argument does not register with me any more that the assertion by one of the class bullies when I was young that it was okay for bigger or stronger people to verbally insult or name call others just because they could and no one else was big enough to stop them.  Fortunately, in that situation, school administrators and staff have, in recent years, taken a strong stance.    There is now a similar issue with respect to the “right” of some to call others names or make fun of them on social media sites.

I need to interject another statement here. I do not, in any way, condone the use of violence against the bully or against the person asserting their freedom of speech to do say or depict something or someone they know is going to offend another person or a group of people.  As I have previously stated, if I want to change the bully my goal needs to be to show them that (1) one does not have to respond to violence (verbal or physical) with violence and (2) they do not have to prove their worth by bullying.  We know that the bully is one who has learned that they have to prove their worth or have to prove that they deserve respect.  Whether this need stems from a personal belief that they are less them or whether they have a need for others to affirm their worth, I do not have to add to their perception that others think that they are less then.

Some would assert that many extremists are just looking for an excuse to be violent – to earn their way into paradise by becoming martyrs for the religious cause.   That may be true of some extremists whether those extremists are claiming the authority of a Christian belief, a Muslim belief, a Jewish belief or some other belief.   It is thought by some that the United States has been very cruel and extreme in its intention to force democracy on some other nations.  

It seems to be that we humans often go to battle to force our way of thinking on others.  We convince ourselves that our way of thinking is the ‘right” way or the “Godly” way or the sane way or is, in some way, is the only superior way. Therefore, in the name of our cause we go to battle.  We may think that our way of thinking is very enlightened, but as soon as we find ourselves willing to hurt others in the cause of “rightness” I think we have put ourselves into a reactionary position, which makes us no different than the ones we are hoping to change.

While I personally have my own set of beliefs for what I think today is the “right” way for me to behave, this does that give me the right to kill many of those in your group so that the remaining ones have to adopt my way of thinking?  There is something about that argument which seems very strange.

As I age, I am increasingly accepting of the fact that I cannot change others nor do I need to try to change others. It is not my “job” to prove to you the rightness of my beliefs. It is my job, as I see it, to work towards consistently behaving in a way, which demonstrates how to treat others and myself with love and respect.

Now I am well aware that no matter how I behave the bullies of the world are not necessarily going to become what I consider to be spiritually enlightened.  As a professional counselor as well as a person just living his life, I have not been successful in convincing everyone I counsel or everyone I teach to give up their hurtful behavior and become the model flower child that devotes every waking moment to spreading love and kindness!   No.  When I picked up the newspaper this morning I did not find any announcement that the new prophet, Jimmy Pickett, had convinced everyone in the world to treat others with loving-kindness.  I did find some very moving stories of kindness. I also found stories of murder, war, theft, carelessness, and rape.

I have had to accept that I do not need to prove that I am right.  I do not even have to prove this to myself. I merely have to open my arms, heart and mind to a new day willing to embrace new possibilities. I will leave it to others to prove that their way is the right way. Obviously, I am going to continue to raise questions and to openly and publicly explore other ways of thinking.  Otherwise I would not be writing this blog. 

No matter what my intentions I am going to hurt the feelings of others and I am going to have my feelings hurt by others. It is my intention, however, to practice thinking before I speak or act and practice not taking it personally when my feelings get hurt even when it seems that it was the intention of the other to hurt me.  Sometimes I will be able to do this and often I may fail. This too is a process for me.

I attempt to always be aware of how blessed I am.  I know that I am no more deserving than any other person in the world and, yet, I have much more love, money, and other comforts than do many in the world.   I also live in a country where I have a lot of freedoms, especially as a predominantly white male.  Today, even my freedom as a gay man,  is much broader than it was just a few years ago.

On this day, my 75th birthday, I am particularly humbled by the outpouring of well wishes and loving sentiment.  By mid morning I had gotten over 100 texts, phone calls and emails in addition to cards and many birthday balloons decorating the entrance to my home.

Given my Christian background the term Grace frequently comes to my mind.  In the Christian tradition the word is unconditional, unearned love. In the Buddhist tradition the term maître comes to mind. This Sanskrit work is frequently translated as unconditional love or holding one in the cradle of loving-kindness.   Many spiritual teachers, including The Buddha and that Jesus fellow have asserted that we are all deserving of unconditional love; that often the unkind or hurtful things we do are because of our fear of not being enough or of not being worth loving.  We hurt others directly or indirectly because of need to fill an inner void by being better than, more than, strong than, or powerful in someway than.  We are convinced that if we are not more than in some way we are less then.  We are also convinced that if we allow others too close they will discover how underserving we are.

I am well aware that I cannot take any credit for how my mind and the rest of my body functions.  Of course, I know that in order to make decisions about my emotional, physical and spiritual health care my brain has to connect certain idea or concepts.   Even my ability to understand the concept of holistic health care is dependent on certain synapses firing in a certain order. Of course, I also know that it is an interaction system. If I take care of all of my body, all,  including my brain, will work better.  I also know that genetics play a certain role in my health.

Given my acceptance of the blessing of my physical, emotional, spiritual and financial health the question that I feel I must continue to ask myself concerns my responsibility to use these blessings in a responsible manner.   

Again, in the Christian tradition, one of the so called Gospel writers, Saint Luke suggests in 12:48, “And to whomsoever much is given, of him shall much be required: and to whom they commit much, of him will they ask the more.”

In other traditions the teachings suggest that if we truly understand the reason that we humans hurt ourselves and each other, we will want to reassure ourselves and others that we are indeed enough; that it is safe to be us; that we can help heal that person who is running from his/her pain.

Is that then my responsibility to keep letting go of my own fears which will allow me to identify with the fear of others and, thus, to love both myself and others- both the mirror and the reflection.

How shall I do that?  Do I need to be a spiritual teacher with my own home base and means for spreading the word?  Should I write books and find ways to distribute them?  Should I stand on the street corner and just look for ways to love those who others might find it difficult to love or those who mirror parts of me I find it hard to love. Should I give away all my material possession and become a monk or join some community, which will support me in living a simple, loving life?

I am not sure it matters what framework I inhabit or use.  I suspect that today I need to be open to being more intentional about being aware of the many blessings I have been given and open to sharing this bounty. Perhaps it is enough to keep noticing how many blessings or gifts I use or enjoy as if they are my birthright.   Perhaps I need not wait for another outpouring of love and support to share the blessings I have.

At this stage of my life I am not likely to become as Saintly as Mother Theresa, Father Gregory Boyle or one of my dead friends who do more in a week to help others than I do in a year.  Perhaps I do not need to set a goal of becoming saintly!  Perhaps it is enough to demonstrate that we can embrace our own humanness as it is reflected in the homeless, the miserable person who lives in a mansion, the “successful” professional who cries himself or herself to sleep, the lost gang member or the nurse, clerk or other service person who needs to know that their contribution counts.

I have a tendency to complicate the simplest lesson. Perhaps I could gently, lovingly follow the advice “keep it simple stupid”.  No matter how so called intelligent I am when I complicate an issue I become stupid.

I have no answer and I do not have to pretend that I do. I can just show up with gratitude and accept the love, which has been so freely offered. This is not much and, yet, it is a lot.

Facing our Fears

I often remind myself and teach others that in order to heal (otherwise known as growing spiritually) we have to pull up our big girl or boy pants and face ourselves as we are.  Being human, this includes facing our fears.  We may tell ourselves that we are not afraid of anything, but the truth is all of us have fears.  Mostly the fear has to do with emotional issues including the fear of losing the illusion of control.    Just this morning I was visiting with a good friend in the hospital who has been living with cancer and more recently the side affects of the treatment of cancer. She is not fearful of dying. She is, at times, fearful, of not being treated with dignity and respect while she is living. Since being in the hospital she has again been acutely aware of the difference it makes with a health care professions actually listens to her.  She is fine with health care people not knowing what is going on or what the best course of treatment is. She is not fine with health care professional not listening when she has a concern or thinks they need to attend to some aspect of her health which  they have been ignoring.   For example, for days she has been talking about the fact that there has been little attention paid to her back. She has serious back issues. Laying in bed, sitting in a chair which does not support her back, not getting physical therapy/therapeutic yoga makes her back worse. When her back is under more stress there is more pain and when there is more pain the rest of the body is using energy that it needs to devote to the healing process.

What is it that keeps  we health care professionals from listening?  The excuses may include: “I know best.   I am busy.  It is not my job to treat the back. I have a more important job to do.”   Yet listening to the patient, taking the time to be present would make us less busy and increase the patient’s respect for us which, obviously, then  increases the opportunity for the patient and the health care professional to work as a team.  The truth is that many of we health care professionals are fearful that if we do not know the answer, are wrong about something, or need to ask for help, we may not know who we are.  If we are not all knowing and “right” then who are we?  We are just another human doing a very imperfect job.  In other words, our ego gets in the way.  The ego is, of course, very necessary if we want to avoid the fear that we are not enough. All of us have this same fear.  We often  deal with this fear by avoiding it and attempting to fill in that void of not being enough with education, titles, things,  convincing ourselves we are better then or smarter then or healthier than. We may also just try to numb ourselves with work, alcohol, other drugs, sex, gambling, or exercise.   Of course, none of this is ever enough. We become more and more distant from ourselves which includes our fear. When we are distant from ourselves we are distant from each other and from any sense of higher power or community.  We are very lonely which causes more pain which causes more need to avoid the pain which. . . .

Is it any wonder that he cannot hear and do not want to listen to the patients/clients we  are meant to serve?

Some of the wisest and best doctors are those who have been patients themselves or have lived with some condition which has forced them to deal with their fears.  Doctors such as Dr. Rachel Remen, Dr. Mark Salemo, and Dr. Oliver Sachs to name a couple.  Some of them have written books which are more helpful than anything they could have written prior to having to face their physical and/or emotional pain.   All of them have had to face the truth of the illusion of control.

My friend Cheryl worked as a psychiatric social worker and addiction counselor. Often her clients were other health care professional.  She was very effective at inviting others to open the door to healing because she had long faced our own emotional and physical pain.   When I was first diagnosed with AIDS – with treatment HIV positive – I became very open publicly about living with my illness. All my clients knew of my illness.  I would answer any questions they had. A few people were too frightened of the illness to see professionally. Most did not care. They were just concerned about if and how I could be helpful to them.  Some colleagues are fearful that sharing personal information such as this will take the focus off the patient.  It does take the focus off the patient as a patient.  It allows for more of a relationship which again allows for the possibility of hearing the concerns of the patient.  Of course, we health care professionals must remember that the needs of the patient/client are primary. 

This weekend my friends from Pittsburgh were visiting.  Their return flight was delayed and they got home much later than planned. I am sure that the one who is a physician will  be honest with patients today when they notice that he is tried.  Lying to them would make them doubt their own perceptions.  Now, they do not need the details of why he is tired although he may just tell them that he had a delayed flight and did not get much rest.

The poet Rumi writes, “Close both eyes to see with the other eye.”  Father Gregory Boyle writing in his book Tattoos on My Heart  (page 133) about his quote from Rumi: “Finding and seeing beyond our sense of being separate, our mutuality with the other is hard won.” 

Another time Father Gregory in the same book writes, “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a covenant between equals.” (p. 77)

It is my personal belief that compassion is the basis of all healing. Healing, as we know, is not about living forever nor is it about Cheryl’s back returning to its pre-injury condition or my body becoming free of HIV infection. Healing is about being present.  It is about being present to our own truth, including the truth of our  emotional and physical pain. It is about being present with our own bodies; about being present no matter on what side of the desk  we are sitting.

Pema Chodron in her CD, “From Fear to Fearlessness” reminds us that it is only through knowing fear that we become fearless.  Most of us do just the opposite. We try to avoid facing our fear in hopes that we will not have to experience it.  Often as health care professionals we try to avoid our own fears under the guise of “helping”  or “protecting” the patient.  We say to the patient directly or indirectly, “I will protect  you and pretend that you are going to be okay.  I will protect you from the truth or  I will protect you from my truth.”  The patient/client does not feel protected or respected although at times they do say they do not want to know.  If today you look up the definition of compassion one will often find that it includes the intent to relieve the pain of the other.  I and many others are suggesting that that is not compassion. Compassion is about showing up with love to ourselves which then allows up to show up with others.

Of all the help which my friend Cheryl has gotten in the hospital, the help which is most appreciated is that which is delivered with honestly and loving kindness. “Yes, you are sick.  No we do not know if you can physically get well.  Yes, you are worth listening to. Yes, I am willing to meet you in the midst of the pain.”

Baltimore Celebrates

The story of Freddie Gray, the young man who, by all accounts, was so violently mistreated by the police in Baltimore that he died, has captured the attention of many in cities across the United States.    Sadly, had this been an isolated incident, it probably would not have garnered so much attention.    The cycle of violence   which turns victims into aggressors and turns aggressors into victims is one that I wrote about the other day when the news first went viral. 

Yesterday Baltimore’s chief prosecutor and state attorney, Marilyn Mosby, made the announcement that charges were being filed against six police officers.  The charges, all related to the arrest and treatment of Mr. Gray. The charges range from false imprisonment to involuntary manslaughter to second-degree murder.

The reaction throughout the United States from many who had been protesting this latest incident of alleged police brutality (Does not seem to be any doubt. but one still must use the word alleged at this stage of the proceedings.) was immediate.  The word most often used in the accounts I read and heard described was one of celebration.  All did not, as we know, share this reaction.

Within the context of the concept of retributive justice on which our judicial system is built (the belief that if we punish enough we will stop humans from mistreating each other or treating each other as objects), these charges make sense. On the other hand, as many of you know, I am not convinced that the retributive approach to justice works long term.   I will not in this brief blog burden you again with my thinking on this subject.  Instead I have one simple request.

My understanding and the experience of many I know is that we have continued in this country to selectively treat certain members of the community as objects or subjects who are inherently less deserving of dignified and respectful treatment.   Freddie Greg was a young man  who shared all the human qualities, which I have. The fact that this young man had been previously arrested and had apparently struggled to claim or reclaim that sacred child that his parents cradled and delighted in when he was born does not tell me much and is not important for this limited discussion.   If we wanted to help Freddie Greg claim his core goodness and find his place at the table it was not going to be by mistreating him. He deserved our love, respect and help.

I also happen to believe that all six of the individuals who happened to be police officers deserve our love, respect and help.   They are not just functionaries who got of control. They are six humans’ beings that parents cradled and loved when they were born (at least I hope so) and who continue to love and be loved.  I do not know any of these six people but I hope to learn more about their hopes, dreams, pains, and delights in the days and weeks to come.  The first step in opening my self to treating them as sacred is to acknowledge that they have names. They are:  Caesar Goodson, Jr., William Porter, Brian Rice, Edward Nero, Garrett Miller, and Alicia White.     They all have faces, hearts that beat, and can experience pain, fear and a whole range of emotions.

No matter what happens to these 5 men and one woman my fear is that we will either vilify and punish them or we will excuse their behavior. Obviously, what they are accused of doing has nothing to do with justice – even retributive justice.   What they are accused of doing diminishes all of us. We cannot treat another human being with such disrespect and cruelty and expect the members of the community to be appreciative, be more law abiding and to embrace the members of law enforcement community. 

Yes, we must hold each other accountable.  We must acknowledge that if the law enforcement individuals who are also members of the community cannot embrace all members of the community than they have no place on any law enforcement team. Still, even if they are not able to do the job of a law enforcement person, they are still members of the community and must be embraced as such.   We must also hold the rest of the members of the larger community accountable. It is not okay, in my eyes, to treat the representatives of the law enforcement community with such abject disrespect.

On both sides WE have created an US and THEM community.  To me it is very understandable how we humans allow this to happen.  We become tired, discouraged, hopeless, bitter and disconnected. That is a very terrible feeling.  The question has to be how are we going to create a sense of hope; a sense of WE, which can build a community in, everyone counts; in which everyone is valuable.

Last evening over dinner with dear friends, on of them said to me, “You think everyone is good. You never think anyone is bad.”  I had to honestly reply, “Yes, I believe all of we humans have an inner core of goodness. There are some of us whose brain and heart will not allow us to access that part of themselves. That does not make us a bad person. This may, in some instances, mean that some need to be in a closed, protective environment. Within that environment they need to be cherished.”  Although I would hope that I would never treat anyone with just abject disrespect and cruelty as Mr. Greg was treated, I cannot put myself into the life experience of each of those individuals – Caesar, William, Brian, Edward, Garrett, and Alicia.   While I would also hope that I would never be part of a riot, I cannot put myself in the life experiences of each of those who participated in the rioting and who might treat the accused police officer as objects to be thrown away.   I do know that I have often acted unkindly, have treated others as objects, and have discovered racist thoughts and feelings which I had unwittingly picked up, and have discovered other prejudices within m which are just as ugly and unkind.  In that sense I know that I am the one who could throw away these six individual just as the life of Freddie Gray was thrown away. I am the Freddie Gray who has struggled to find my purpose and my connection with a larger community.

Many of us got married  both because we felt we wanted to live the rest of our lives with the person we married and because we consciously or unconsciously thought that they were going to fill up that void inside of us and would keep filling it up until “death do us part.”  We may also have gotten married wanting to fill up that void that our partner had or the void we projected onto them .  The dance might be “I will do many things for you. I will go to work,share my money, run errands for you  and do a certain number of chores for you.. In return you will constantly praise me and tell me what a good person I am. You will not leave me alone to spend time with your other friends, to work overtime and pursue a career, to be active as a community member or do anything which leaves you unavailable should I need a  charge or reassurance of my worth.  It is not enough that you give me what Mort Fertel the author of Marriage Fitness calls love charges every day. You will be my only fuel station. In return I will  reward you by doing favors for you”   

There are a number red flags in the quote of this partner.  If our partner is doing favors for us in terms of daily living chores he or she is not sharing those with us. The statement implies that they are my chores  which my partner will “help” me get done.  Since the partner is helping with my chores I need to be grateful that he/she is helping.  Another red flag is the desire/need to have one all to oneself – to be constantly available to praise.

If one complains that their partner needs to get a life the partner might accuse one of being ungrateful for all that they do. They might say, “After all I do for you. You are so ungrateful. I have no life. I am here just to take care of you.”

It is easy to diagnose the basic problem.  Somewhere along the line the needy partner  learned that it was the responsibility of others to fill up his/her internal, emotional gas tank.  They did not learn that it is their job to learn that they are enough; that none of us has to prove our worth. We are already worthwhile.  Unless and until we learn that we are worthwhile without having to prove ourselves we will always be looking to someone or something outside of ourselves to complete us/to make us whole.  

As is true with any other problem or condition, if we cannot accurately diagnose or identify the problem, no solution is going to fix us.   The problem in this scenario is that the person never leaned that they were enough as they are. As a young child it is necessary to have unconditional love.  By age 5 or 6, however, the child should begin to internalize a positive sense of self. By the time the person is an adult  ideally they have completely taken over the job of reassuring the inner child that they are enough.  Otherwise, no amount of reassurance from other person is even going to be enough. Only the person can do this for themselves. 

Yes, we all need love from others. We all need reassurance at times. It feels good to be appreciated.  We might even occasionally be very insecure and need a lot of support.  For the most part, however, we do not want or need a partner or one other friend who is at our constant beck and call to reassure us.   We do not need someone else to prove to us that we are worthwhile.

If one is the emotionally needy partner, one may be confused about why our partner is not grateful.  One might say, “How can you be so self centered?  After all I do for you, you want more. You want me to  be here just in case while you go running off with your friends or pursue your career or vocation.   You promised to love and cherish me. You are nothing but a self centered, selfish, ungrateful person.”

Oh my!  Hopefully, before one gets married one identifies whether the person one is thinking  of marrying can stand on their own  and expect to continue to stand on their own but be available to share. If this pattern did not become evident until after we got married, a good therapist might be able to lovingly help the partner accept the “diagnosis” and  get treatment to help them re-parent oneself.

If the partner refuses to get help or cannot “hear” from another person  what needs to happen for them to be content, then it may be time to  admit defeat and ask for a separation.  Sometime the partner does not realize how exhausted or unhappy one is until that point.  Asking for a separation might, in some case, be just what the doctor ordered.  All of us have our blind spots and needs something really drastic to get our attention. That is okay. Do whatever it takes to start the healing process so that a healthy relationship is possible.  Whatever one does, it is important to do it with love and not self righteous anger. Please do not allow it to get to that point.

We may also recognize this same pattern in non-romantic friendships. Someone may latch onto us and get jealous if we are not always available or if we are not their “best friend”.  If, for example, this friend gets mad if we spend time with another friend  or seems to attach oneself with super glue, that may not be a relationship which can be a true, equal friendships. This does not make the person a bad person. They just do not have what they need to capable of  being a healthy friend.  That is very sad, but we cannot wait until we are angry and worn out before we set limits.  There is a good chance that if we set llmits/boundaries the person will end the friendship or at least threaten to end the friendship. One wans to do one’s best to stay loving while not giving in to the blackmail. 

One may decide for a variety of possible reason to set aside some time and energy to give to the unhealthy person. It one does this, it is a gift with no expectations of getting anything in return.

Some of our  relationships may be clearly healthy or unhealthy.   In any friendship with another human we will have to explore  setting limits and not trying to give more than we have to give.. 

 Of course, in any friendship there will be times when one person in the relationship is particularly needy. The death of a family member, a divorce, a serious illness or other conditions or factors can leave one temporarily needy. The key is “temporarily”.   The person gets better and moves on.  The person who is still that very small child wanting to be constantly validated  will not normally get better without some intensive help.