Spiraling out of control​=

The human brain is a wonderful machine.  When I use my brain to think about my brain I am acutely aware of the multi-layered history it contains.   It has not only long, medium- and short-term memory it stores these memories with sound, smell, touch, color, movement and a host of other cues to call all or part of the memory to the forefront of one’s mind.  For example,  my brother recently had surgery. Because of the distance and Covid- 19 I was not able to be with him and was, dependent on family members who were there to keep me updated.  Memories were triggered.  Family equals childhood equals school equals parenting equals a host of other boxes of memories.   Not surprisingly, my brain was very active as all the information and emotions stored as part of the memories flooded my body even as I stored new memories or fears. 

Eventually there was an opportunity to sit down and dump the chatter of my brain on the computer screen.  Titling it vomit reminded me to delete it as soon as I had finished writing.   For whatever reason expressing those thoughts and emotions frees me to return to myself.  I may still have fear and concern, but I am not so overwhelmed by the  traumatic emotions which got triggered.  I was also then able to identify the primary issues of powerlessness and hopelessness.    All that chatter which got triggered was essentially my history of being powerless and hopeless.  All that chatter was the history of my attempt to avoid dealing with life on life’s terms.   Pena Chodron in When Things Fall Apart states, “But if we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death.” (P 43 paperback edition)

Death is, after all,  the ultimate fear:  death of a job, marriage, youth, being alone, ableness, and finally the death of this life journey.  We might ask ourselves why we fear death.  Is it because we like the illusion of having control?  Is if that we fear that we will quickly be forgotten?  Do we fear that there is some punishing God who will decide that our sins were worse than those of the average human?  Perhaps we believe that the god of our understanding has access to a gigantic spread sheet which lists the precise number of points for all the times we hurt ourselves and others. We may fear our score on the spreadsheet is higher than others,

Whatever our fear, the only door to freedom is facing our fear; to drop the judgments(points) and practice just being present.  In the present where there is no past or future.  There is only this moment. Life events will come and go.   Marriages may end through divorce or death.  Our bodies will eventually give out.  Our children will do what they believe they need to do which may mean cutting off ties with us.  Jobs will come and go.  The stock market will rise and fall.   We may lose our house and our car in the current economic climate.  We may get ill and get a big hospital bill which we cannot pay. We notice and then do what we can to take care of ourselves and our loved one.   We notice that life is not fair.  Justice is not equally distributed.  The spiritual challenge is to show up, not without grief, mourning or disappointment, but to be fully present. Finally, we remember the lesson of  Bigger Thomas in Native Son who when threatened by the police says, “You cannot do nothing but kill me and that ain’t nothing.”  By saying this he was being fully present in the moment..  By admitting his powerlessness, he was removing the illusion of power from the police persons.

Today, I do not need to spiral out of control.  Today I know it is safe to be fully present.
 
Written August 12, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

​Our best self
 
One of the tasks for all of us if we have the good fortune to have the leisure to stop is to ask the question, “Who is our best self?”  
 
One may believe that one’s best self is being kind and patient no matter what others do or do not do;  a person who never allows others to see one’s vulnerabilities; a Martin Luther King Jr who was overall comfortable with his humanness and comfortable with the risks he took;  a Tina Turner who pushes the boundaries of theater when performing; an Aryan supremist; a person who challenges others to pull themselves up by their invisible boot straps.
 
The Unitarian Universalist Congregations believes their best selves can be achieved by using seven principles as a guide.  The seven principles are:
 
            The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
 
            Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;

            Acceptance of one another and encouragement to
spiritual growth in our congregations;

A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
 
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
 
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
 
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.   (https://www.uua.org/beliefs/what-we-believe/principles)
 
Those are lofty principles which no one is able to consistently follow.  The members of these congregations are well aware that none of them can consistently be their best selves.  Yet, these principles provide a guide to which they can aspire. 
 
Most business organizations have a written mission statement.    Some families have a mission statement.  Some families, businesses and even some churches regularly set aside time to review the extent to which they have able to move  forward in achieving their mission.     
 
Most of us  would have to admit we cannot consistently be our best selves.   I, for example, begin each day with a written spiritual intention.  It is my sincere goal  to achieve that intention.   My intention today was to notice when I am not present and to bring myself back to the moment.    I had not been up an hour before I noticed that my mind was focused on yesterday, later today and tomorrow.  I was also thinking of what I had decided was the best self for another person.   In short, my thoughts were everywhere but present.   The good news is that I quickly noticed I was not present. I knew this was not the fault of the person to whom I was talking.  I was also aware that who I decided the person should be was keeping me from being present with the person they are.
 
It is my belief that many conditions and  factors can keep us from being our best selves.   Certainly fear, depression, shame and a host of other feelings and thoughts can prevent us from being our best.  I believe that being my best will support others in being their best; my best should never be at the expense of another person.  I do not want or need to be better than, more than, richer than, stronger than, better groomed than, or more powerful then.
 
The beginning of another school year in the United States might be a good time to challenge students (all of us) what it means to be our best selves and how that version of self affects others and all of nature.
 
Written August 11, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

This God thing​

Although I have written on this topic previously the god issue continues to confuse and trouble many.  For example, those attempting to use the 12-step program for recovery from addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, food, or other people, places and things often come to the 12-step program with a history of an angry, punishing god or an alleged  loving god who had no impact on worshipers who were anything but loving.

For as long as humans have been attempting to use some form of art or language to share their thoughts, they have attempted to determine if this life journey has any purpose other than a brief drop or drive by.   If there is a purpose is that purpose designed or ordained by something or someone?   Theologians and others have grappled with this question.  Many have posited concepts of gods ranging from a very rigid, punishing supreme god to a family of gods or spirits   Some groups have posited spirits which were very inclusive of all of nature while others have posited a god who is a super human father like figure.  Some prophets  have envisioned a being who, while all powerful and knowing, has a softer, more forgiving side and occasionally even a sense of humor.

Many humans demanded that their God be available to  ensure military victory,  Some such as Samuel Clements/Mark Twain was amused by the Christian concepts of god and of a boring eternal home which god was preparing for the good humans; a place where none of the pleasures we enjoy on earth were present.

Many seem convinced that their particular concept of god represents the one true god which then a priori results in a moral imperative that one worship that god in manner determined by ancestors to be what that god demands.  Through so called prayer and meditation elders of that religion then determine a number of other behaviors which the faithful must follow if they are to avoid the eternal wrath or displeasure of the one true god.

It is not surprising that many individuals would like to avoid any association with any organization that seems to be connected to any concept of God, especially those coming from a so called Christian concept?   Perhaps those coming from a Native American or Buddhist concept might have an easier time.  Even those coming from a Unitarian background might have an easier time with this god concept. 

Most of those who have successfully used a 12 step-program to reclaim their life would suggest that all the program requires is that one believe in a power greater than oneself.   Some even suggest that the power greater than oneself can be the group itself; that all that is required is that the person seeking recovery accept that he or she is not alone.   This is extremely important since almost 100% of those who have been kidnapped by the disease of addiction report that they have always felt different - not a part of.  That feeling has frequently morphed into not being as good as or not being worthwhile.  In their active addiction they have had to engage in behavior which made them seem even less worthwhile and thus more isolated.    If they are going to heal they have to begin to believe and to feel that that are a valued person who deserves to be a part of a group.   Many reports that for the first time they feel at home in the 12-step program; they feel a member of a family.

Despite being told that it is not important to accept a concept of god to be a part of the 12 step recovery program - merely a power  greater than oneself - in most meeting the term God is often used. In fact the serenity prayers which begins with the word god is often used as an opening and closing prayer.  In some meetings the Christian “Lord’s Prayer” is used as an opening or closing prayer.  The use of the term god or the reference to a uniquely Christian prayer is a huge turn off for many people.  I am personally comfortable with the god of my understanding and can easily connect the term to mean the whole of all that is or the magical interconnectedness of all that is.

I have heard that some are considering some changes in the 12-step program which reduces or eliminates the word god, but which retains the imperative that all of us must accept that we are an essential part of a larger whole. In the meantime, I suggest that one practice replacing the term god in one’s head with whatever terms allows one to know that one’s behavior always affects others; to know that one is an essential part of the whole which constitutes the universe(s); that running from oneself and each other is not the solution but living as a “we” will allow one to feel a sense of connection and purpose even if one cannot clearly articulate that purpose.
 
Written August 10, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org
 

​Sunday Musings -  August 9, 2020
 
As I settle into this Sunday I am aware that I have not posted a blog in four days.  I am also aware that I made some very deliberate decisions to use my time in other ways.  I also made the decision to allow various thoughts and feelings to hang out together without needing to force them to come together in some smooth or coherent form.   I did some writing,  some of which might find its way into a future blog, but most of which will not. For me that is part of the writing process.  I always attempt to write to determine if I have anything to say that I need to hear and then determine if there is anything I need to share with others.
 
Various voices and memories have been hanging out in my brain this week.  One of the voices was of a long-time acquaintance who struggled with alcoholism and left instructions that alcoholism be named in his obituary as cause of death; a brilliant, loving, often funny, talented writer and lover of books.  Sadly, he died this past week.    Of course, I was also aware of  the acquaintance who had died the previous week and the friend who was hospitalized with covid-19 (Thankfully getting better and now home).     Voices from my past and voices from such distant places as Beirut also visited.
 
The On Being podcast this week features a conversation between the host Krisrta Tippett and the primatologist, Jane Goodall who speaks on her work with chimpanzees and her ongoing moral and spiritual convictions about our relationships with all of nature.   At 86 she is still very active intellectually, spiritually and physically.    She has long been one of my heroes and has been one of the voices in my head this week.
 
One of the recent Fresh Air podcasts featured a conversation between the host Terry Gross and the Isabel Wilkerson, Pulitzer Prize journalist and author of Caste  The Origins of our Discontents.   She eloquently talks about the caste system in the United States and how it has been an essential  part of what  continues to determine the history and off tragic reality of relationships in the United States based on the social construct of race.   She, too, joined Jane and the other voices.
 
Many other voices from current past relationships joined the often-dissonant chatter in my head this week.    The common theme of all of them was relationships: our relationship with our own humanness, with each other and with the rest of nature.   Often our relationships as humans are fueled by overpowering love and creativity.   Sadly, they are also often fueled by fear; fear of not being enough; fear of settling into an interdependent relationship with all of nature; fear of not being loved or respected; fear that we have less then which must mean that we are less then; fear of how we appear to others; fear that we are not as special and unique as we like to believe.     Yet, the voices of individuals such as Jane Goodall and Isabel Wilkerson remind us that it is safe to relax and celebrate our small, but essential role in the universe(s).  Those very same voices remind us that it is not what we accomplish as much as it is how we accomplish tasks.  We may momentarily accomplish a feat which seems to defy the laws of nature, but if, in the process, we treat any other person or part of nature as less than sacred we will find all of nature suffers.
 
On this Sunday which for many is the sabbath, the question is whether our goal is to love and take care of each other with enormous compassion and humility or to make sure we grow religious institution or ensure the survival of the institutions.   Do we put love or comfort first?   Are we who are involved with the frameworks of religious institutions asking the tough, uncomfortable questions that people like Jane Goodall and Isabel Wilkerson are asking.   Is our goal to be comfortable or to grow spiritually?  Are we willing to risk the death of the god of our understanding to have a relationship with something greater that ourselves? 
 
On this sabbath my intention is to be more aware of my attachment to tasks at the price of relationships.
 
Written August 9, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 

For whom shall we weep?

Devout Jews believe what is referred to as the wailing wall “to be the Western Wall of,  the Second Temple of Jerusalem (destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE), the only surviving structure  of the Herodian Temple built during the realm of Herod Agrippa (37 BCE-4CE) in the first century NCE. ...some Arabs “dispute the claim that the wall belongs to the temple, arguing instead that it is part of the structure of Al-Aqua Mosque on the Temple Mount.
The structure’s description of the wailing wall derives from its Arabic Identification as el-Mankato, or “place of weeping,” (thoughtco.com)\

Since the 1967 Six- Day War when Israel annexed Arab East Jerusalem Israel has maintained control of the site.   Many come to the wailing wall to pray and to weep.  Since 2009 one has been able to twitter one’s prayers which are then taken in printed form to the wall.

I thought of the wailing wall this morning when a friend of mine who has and is experiencing multiple losses messaged me “I will have my time at the wailing wall”.   
My friend clearly understands and respects the fact that grief is our thoughts and feelings about loss whereas “mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside yourself.”    (Alan Wolfelt.  taps.org)

My friend also appreciates that mourning is not about anger, blame, or judgment.  Of course we might have thoughts of blame wanting to somehow make sense off a loss.  If, however,  we  can step back far enough, we will know that the humans perspective and experience is much too limited to make sense of all that happens.   We also know that all is temporary; that millions of generations of people have lived before us and, if we do not destroy the planet as it currently exists, millions of generations of people will follow us.    We also know that pandemics, famines, storms such as hurricanes and many other of nature’s acts fail to consider how it affect us humans.    Of course, we humans like to think that the action of nature or other people, places and things is about us.    Yet, if we are well enough to be both a participant and an observer of this dance, we know that our part of the dance is both essential and but a Nano second in the cosmic dance.  This does not, however, prevent us from grief or mourning the pain of those who die at 25 in tragic accidents; those who live their life in active addiction without experiencing real connection, those whose clinical depression becomes unbearable, or those who must claim ownership of land or symbols such as the wall claimed by both the Arab and Jewish people.

Many of us are fearful of our need to mourn.  Often we feel if we allow our grief to become manifest reality we will have what I refer to as a Humpty Dumpty Experience; falling apart and not being able to be put back together.   The truth, of course, is that if we do not allow ourselves to mourn - to go to our version or symbol of the wailing wall  - we will  implode with the grief we have stored.

My experience is that most of us humans stumble through this journey so fearful of giving life to our grief that we seek connection without connection, temporary relief in alcohol, other street drugs, sex,  shopping, food or other people, places and things.  Some of us try geographic cures only to find we take ourselves with us

Some of us decide that other races, genders, those whose sexual orientation is different than ours, those with money, those without money, or those who religious framework is different are responsible for our grief.   Certainly, it is true that us humans can inflict great destructive pain on each other.   Many of us are so called citizens of nations which wage war; often in the name of justice or fairness.   Yet, when we meet face to face as people and not as labels we find that we are all the walking wounded desperately wanting love and connection.  Paradoxically, it is in our shared mourning at the wailing wall that we find ourselves with and in each other.

It is only when we mourn that we come home to ourselves and to each other. It is only when we avail ourselves of the wailing wall that we experience our sacred place in the cosmic dance.


Written August 6, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org


  

Surrender

When one hears the word surrender one might think of a war situation or a child hood game.   Those working towards spiritual growth including those in 12 step recovery programs think of  surrender as acceptance one can no longer engage in certain behavior; can follow a positive spiritual path.  

My experience and that of most people I know is that as soon as one decides to let go of an unhealthy behavior one obsessively thinks about whatever it is he or she is wanting to let go of or change.   For example, many years ago I smoked cigarettes.   There was nothing I enjoyed about smoking; not the taste, the smell, being offensive to others, or the residue it left on furniture, clothes or anything else within 100 feet.   Yet, every time I thought about not smoking I became anxious and could think of nothing else.  I was well aware that I was physically addicted,  but I was also aware that the habit was firmly etched into my brain.  This was especially obvious when I was traveling long distances via plane.   If I had to change plans and was in airports or planes for 10 or even 14 hours I had no cravings.  As soon as I reached a destination where I could go outside I experienced an intense craving. If I only traveled for three hours I had an intense craving as soon as I got near an outside smoking area.

We learn to pair certain emotions, situations,  people or objects to particular activity.   I have, for example, an icon in my brain which represents compact size cars.  If I get into a truck or even a large automobile my muscle memory does not kick in as quickly as it does for the car I normally drive.  It is very convenient to not have to think when I get into this car and want to start it and drive to someplace.   Occasionally, if I have numerous trips to one place, my muscle memory takes me to that place even if I had intended to go someplace else.  (My phone seems to work similarly.  It remembers that on Tuesday at 9:30 I general leave for location where I volunteer.) When I want to change a pairing in my brain it can be very uncomfortable especially if I have associated the prior pairing with extreme pleasure or the release of pain.  Most drugs/chemicals and some behavior create significance changes in the brain.   Some recreational drugs, for example, reduce certain “feel good” chemicals in the brain seemingly because the brain is now getting that feeling from the drug.   The brain does not immediately start production of that chemical when one withholds the recreational drugs.  Acute discomfort and even depression may occur.  

Change often requires that one “surrender” to the discomfort; the acute pain of letting go of the unwanted behavior.   One knows if one keeps reinforcing the habit that future attempts to change will feel like one has to be in a locked facility with no  access to the drug/behavior. Just one pill or one more sexual encounter, rageful fit or quart of ice cream will result in further reinforcing the habit and make future attempts to change even more difficult

Being locked up on jail or even a hospital setting does not necessarily ensure that one can easily surrender.    One can certainly find drugs, act out sexually or have attacks of rage in most jails/prisons.  One can also pair a hospital setting, jail or other place with not engaging in unhealthy behavior,  but as soon as one gets to a setting which has been formerly paired with the unwanted behavior one can easily “relapse” into the old behavior.  One can also pair behavior with certain people.  Thus, 12 step programs recommend that one avoid “people, places and things” which might trigger the behavior one wants to change

Contrary to the wishes of all or most of us, there is no easier, softer way to change a behavior one has reinforced multiple times.  One can use support systems such as 12 step programs.  One can enlist the aid of good friends or family members.  One can sometimes have the luxury of residential treatment programs. Medications such as antidepressants may take the edge off of the discomfort.  All of these can, so to speak, provide a leg up in making changes but, in the end surrender is going to be very uncomfortable.  The good news is that on the other side of surrender is the freedom to claim the life one deserves. 


Written August 4, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org

Sunday Musings  - August 2, 2020

It has been approximately 168 hours since I sat in this very spot allowing the emotions, experiences and thoughts of the previous 168 hours to coalesce in my body or at least to begin the process of coming together to create a new depth of being.  This morning there are another 168 hours of emotions, experiences, and thoughts to join the approximate 702, 912 hours I have stumbled through this life dance.    I have often been excited or even overjoyed,  awed, angry, confused, mystified, curious, delighted, and sad. I have experienced a myriad of other emotional responses to my thoughts and experiences.   My aged, forgetful memory, not withstanding, I know those emotions, thoughts, and experiences have molded me into the person I am today.

In the past few months I have resumed my habit of making bread on Saturday morning. For the first few steps I use my Kitchen Aid stand mixer. Then I dump the mass of amorous, sticky dough onto my butcher block cutting board and begin to knead the week of emotions into the dough.    Tears of joy and of sadness, laughter, confusion, delight and anger get kneaded into the mound of simple ingredients of flour, a bit of salt, a dab of sugar, a table spoon of crisco yeast, and scalded milk.   Eventually I shape it and set it aside for the first rising.   Once that has risen I punch it down, knead a bit more and shape it into two loaves.    When it is again doubled in size i gently put it in a hot oven.  Soon the aroma of fresh bread fills the kitchen.  I seldom resist the joy of spreading butter on a slice of one of the loaves and allow the taste, smell and texture of the metamorphism of those emotions and the dough which holds them to reenter my body.

During the past 168 hours I shared in the joy of new birth as two couples I know welcomed new babies and a third prepares to do so.  The past week also bore witness to the death of beloved pets of two of my friends and the death of a sweet man plagued by depression.  Another friend is working hard to win the battle with Covid-19.  I sat with a man who was convinced that he had won the contest  to make him the most unlovable person who has ever lived.  I also shared the journey of many who are healing from addiction, depression, grief, and often the trauma of racism, sexism, homophobia and a host of other wounds frequently borne out of the fear that to be enough means to be more than or better than.

Daily i am faced with the reminder to live the serenity prayer and focus on what limited control or choices I have.  Daily I am reminded that the only meaningful prayer is gratitude for the richness of life which is symbolized by the bread dough which accepts and blends together those emotional, experiences and thoughts until it is fresh nourishment for the body and the soul.

My intention today is to celebrate all the emotions, experiences and thoughts of the past 168 hours, to  trust as I embrace them they will magically allow more of the patient and kind me to emerge; to carry me on the first steps into the next hours until it is time to rest.   i am reminded of the lines of Robert Frost’s poem  “And miles to go before I sleep.  And Miles to go before i sleep.” (Stopping by Woods on Snowy Evening)


Written August 2, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

Silence
 
Often it seems we avoid the silence, not wanting to know what we
 
know.
 
We fill the space with noise
 
Noise of traffic, radio, television., video games,
 
Phones, play station or similar devices
 
We fill the silence with the noise of the chatter of our mind.
 
We are fearful of what we might hear.
 
The silence destroys the barriers we erect to the truth.
 
We try running faster creating more noise and, yet, we are left finally
 
with no place to run.
 
The poem lays written but not revealed.
 
In the silence we reach the depth of the fear which has lain
 
heavy on our hearts and threatened to numb our soul.
 
Uncovered the fear reaches out to touch and be touched.
 
In the silence we are  granted the freedom to be reborn.
 
Reborn to the beauty which has always lain beneath the fear;
 
Beneath the pain.
 
Today in the silence I saw a rainbow even as I cried for those who are
 
drifting in the nether world of despair
 
In the nether world which knows nothing of silence.
 
Knows nothing of beauty
 
Knows nothing of connection.
 
Knows nothing of love.
 
Today I pray for the silence to free me.
 
To free all of us.
        
Written August 1, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org