​A meaningful life
 
Friday morning, I was listening to the September 8, 2016 podcast of the NPR program On Being with host Krista Tippett who was having a conversation with the co-founder of Wikipedia Jimmy Wales.  Of all the things for which I am grateful Wikipedia is probably among the top 10.   First is my health since without that I can do nothing. Number two is always my delightful son, Jamie.   Third would be other friends, some of whom are relatives.  Fourth is probably art – music, paintings, dance, theater, pottery and architecture.    Fifth is the ability to be grateful – having a brain which is able to experience gratitude. Sixth may be the magic and the wonder of this planet, the universe(s).  Seventh may be computers including the modern cell phone and eight may be internet which allows me instant access to a wide segment of the population of the world.  Ninth is the many spiritual teachers in the world who make themselves available.  Tenth are those wonderful, wise, creative people such as Jimmy Wales who along with many other volunteers bring instant access to a wide variety of information which has a built in system for hosting discussions about and, when needed, correcting the information presented.  This is amazing and humbling to me.  Mr. Wales stated to Ms. Tippett:
 
“And I do think that is part of why it's been successful, I think had I set out to sort of — “Let's write an encyclopedia article about every state in the U.S.” — right? It's not that inspiring of a goal. It's just a small little thing. And I think the fact that it's a big idea for everyone on the planet is part of what motivates the volunteers. And when we talk to the volunteers and say, “Well, why do you do this?” one of the things they point to is that it's being part of something that is — it feels good. You're doing something productive for the whole world, and it's meaningful. And I do think that people really — they want to spend their time doing something meaningful.”
 
I truly believe when  any of us are involved in doing something which has meaning we will devote 120% of our energy and heart.   Listening to Mr. Wales make me think again about what makes a life meaningful.   For some people meaning  is connected with serving the God of their understanding.  It does not seem to make a difference whether the God of their understanding is inclusive, unconditionally loving, or even kind.  One might  conceptualize a God who is very exclusive and who demands that one kill all the infidels.   Some, such as  Father Gregory Boyle, Saint Mother Theresa, and even the Jimmy Wales of the world learn early on that kindness and service to others is  what gives this life journey meaning.   Some teachers I know find ultimate meaning in awakening or unlocking the mind of a student.
 
Some perform a job just to earn money so that they can take care of their family which is what  gives their life meaning.  Some perform a job because it allows them to enjoy the material luxuries of life which allows them to feel important or powerful.  Feeling powerful is what makes some feel important.
 
I recall someone questioning a CEO why he or she needed to make so much money. The CEO simply stated that the amount of money is not important per se, but it symbolizes how important one is or how one is doing compared to one’s peers.
 
There are those who have an exceptional ability in music, art, athletics or some other field and seem to know, practically from birth what they are “meant” to do. This is the purpose of their life. This is what gives meaning to their life.
 
As Jimmy Wales  and other wise, generous individuals keep proving or rediscovering time and time again, when us humans (perhaps even other animals) are engaged in an activity which is meaningful to us we will devote endless energy, time, and talent to that task. This is what makes Wikipedia work. This, I am sure, is what makes organizations such as Doctors Without Borders so effective.  The same has been true for many of those I have known who have served in the Peace Corps or people such as my friend Susan Hogan (also served in the Peace Corps) who has devoted her life to making life richer for others.  Whether in her role as director of the YWCA which also housed a program for victim of domestic violence, managing the very talented local professional symphony or insuring access of art to beautify, stimulate and enrich the very fabric of the community in which she lives she finds meaning and inspires others to do the same.
 
Ironically many fundamentalists who are part of exclusionary, often passively or actively violent groups also see themselves as having a meaningful purpose.
 
Often in business organizations including some health care facilities and educational institutions with whom I have worked, those in charge have labored under the assumption that the more one distrusts the employees, the more one uses negative reinforcement or punishment, the more productive they will be.  Not surprisingly just the opposite happens.   The organizations who value employees as a team and treat them as people whose job is a meaningful part of a meaningful mission do really well long term. Ironically, in some ways, the less one focuses on profit the more one profits.
 
Seems very simple and axiomatic.  Humans need to feel important and useful.  Human do best when they are leaving a legacy of which they are proud.  Humans do best when they are contributing to a larger goal.
 
The mission of Wikipedia is “to make “the sum of all human knowledge available to every person in the world.”
That sounds pretty lofty and perhaps unattainable, but they certainly add to my knowledge daily and often hourly! That seems a very laudable and meaningful goal.
 
 
Written September 9, 2016

​Why won’t mentally ill people act like well people?
 
I have been a practicing counselor with a master’s degree in clinical psychology for many years.  I fully accept:
 

• The functioning of our brains and, thus, how it processes information varies a lot with and between individuals.
• Biologically, because of genetic predisposition or for other reasons, how or if a particular brain can process information and make what is commonly considered a rational decision varies.
• Many factors including alcohol, other drugs, illnesses such as cancer and Alzheimer’s, nutritional intake or lack thereof, fluid intake, environmental factors, sleep, and others can affect how our brain processes information.
• Habits, compulsions and addictions are cousins but reside, in part  in different parts of the brain.
• A person with a brain dysfunction may appear, at times, to have a highly functional brain thus making it seem as if they “should” be able to make what healthy people consider logical or common sense decisions which will then lead to behavior which is not acutely self-destructive.
• The instructions for habits are stored in the basal ganglia which also plays a key role in the development of emotions, memories and pattern recognition.  Decisions are made in the prefrontal cortex.
• “The cerebellum ("little brain") is a structure located at the rear of the brain, near the spinal cord. It looks like a miniature version of the cerebral cortex, in that it has a wavy, or convoluted surface…

Unlike the hippocampus which is involved in the encoding of complex memories, the cerebellum plays a role in the learning of procedural memory, and motor learning, such as skills requiring co-ordination and fine motor control.[4] An example of a skill requiring procedural memory would be playing a musical instrument, or driving a car or riding a bike. Individuals with transient global amnesia that have difficulty forming new memories and/or remembering old events may sometimes retain the ability to perform complex musical pieces, suggesting that procedural memory is completely dissociated from conscious memory, also known as explicit memory.” (Wikipedia.com)
 
 
The main purpose of reviewing all these points is to remind myself and, you, the reader that even though most of us can relax and know that if we take reasonably good care of ourselves and do not have certain neurological disorders we can rely on the brain being able to make what most would consider logical decisions.  While healthy people may passionately disagree about a specific concept, perception or what seems a logical decision or conclusion, individuals with certain conditions including addiction to alcohol and other drugs, are unable to consistently think in a logical order.  Those dealing with active addicts get very confused because the addict may seem able to develop and execute elaborate plans to insure that they can procure or gain access to their drug of choice.  On the other hand, even though they may hate the consequence of their active addiction they are often unable to make a clear and consistent as well as persistent decision to stop using/abusing alcohol or other drugs (for the purpose of this discussion I am choosing to not discuss the similarities and differences in neurological functions with other addictive behavior, I. e. gambling, sexual, eating), 
 
The active alcohol or other drug addict who is beginning to let go of alcohol or other drugs of abuse, are dealing with these facts:

• Intense emotional and physical discomfort of withdrawal or the emotional and/or physical pain they may have been running from.
• The “automatic” habit of using ways and means to get more alcohol or other drugs when one begins to experience physical and/or emotional discomfort.  It is important to remind ourselves that habits are extremely resistant to change.  This is a positive design factor for the most part. One does not want to hourly think about how to drive, how to dress, how to hold a pen, or the many other habitual tasks of daily living.
• A distorted experience of “reality”.  If, for example, alcohol, is the drug of choice, as a depressant, it is forcing the brain to focus on negatives and preventing that same brain from experiencing discomfort as temporary.
• The acute effects of malnutrition.
• The stress of dealing with the mess of their lives which the addiction has caused – relationships, finances, legal issues, and employment.
• The emotional distress of believing (and many others believing) that addiction was/is a choice and they have failed at life. The often feel worthless.

 
Given all of this is it any wonder that the addict has a difficult time accepting that recovery is a real possibility and that it is worth it.  There is often, at this point, nothing in the function of his/her sick, dysfunctional brain which says that point A will lead to point B will lead to point C.
 
The United States is a country where many pride themselves on independence, being able to make one’ own decisions, the right to protect oneself and the promise of freedom from unjust commitment to an institution.  Although we often determine justice by the quality of  the defense one can afford in legal proceeding, the habits or practices of a particular judge, the extensive power we give to people within prisons and jails to increase the length of incarceration, and other factors, the stated goal is to refrain from laws which limit one’s freedom. There was a time when commitment to a psychiatric facility was relatively easy.  If, for example, a woman wanted to divorce her husband (even in the case of domestic violence which was blamed on the abused person – frequently the woman) she might find herself in a state mental hospital under deplorable conditions for an indeterminate amount of time.   Conditions at many state mental hospitals were often inhumane, without adequate treatment staff, and poorly run.  The movie “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” may be the best known movie about being in a state hospital.  The one size fits all solution was to close state hospitals, make it very difficult to commit someone against their will and ultimately make jails/prisons the new mental health facilities where treatment is often very limited (there are, of course some wonderful exceptions).    Community mental health centers were initially staffed by idealistic and passionate professionals who worked tirelessly on behalf of their client/families.  Often, however, they were poorly run financially which, in too many instances, resulted in a current emphasis on making the financial stability the chief priority and mainly serving the indigent or those with only the limited coverage of Medicaid.  Frequently the clients/patients are busy with survival and have to face the fact that if they do not “behave” no one will care for them medically. 
 
For some years now one can only petition to have someone committed to a mental health facility if they pose an immediate threat to their own life or the life of someone else.  If one does manage to get an addict committed for a brief period, they may sound “sane” and be released at the end of the brief commitment. The family who may have initiated the commitment is then subject to the increased anger of the committed family member.   No one wins and the addict resumes his or her addictive, life- threatening behavior.  Sometimes, if a person is a minor, commitment may be easier.  This system is also open to misuse and the commitment facility may seem more like a jail than a hospital.
 
The 12 step programs such as AA say that the addict has to reach his or her bottom before they will seek treatment. In other words, the consequences of the addictive behavior have to be so terrible (devastating) that they will endure all the discomforts and unpleasant issues to stay clean or sober one day (minute) at a time.   There is a significant truth to this approach and for some lucky few it works. For many others death – active or passive – may seem preferable.
 
Through all of this family and friends of the addict move between anger, fear, sadness, and frustration. They are often accused of doing too much for the addict (CO-DEPENDENT) or too little.  They expect the addict to be the logical, sane person that they often were prior the addiction taking over.   When an addict is successfully treated the family may be heard to say, “Thank God. Susie or Johnny is back. My child has been returned to me.” This may happen especially after an extended treatment period. Sadly, unless one has a considerable amount of money their family member will not benefit from long term treatment.
 
Of course, there are those miracles – those folks who go to short-term treatment or straight to a 12 step program and are able to stay clean/sober and in recovery (learning to think differently) for the next 30 to 60 years.   That is indeed a miracle which often cannot be explained. Even as a certified addiction counselor who has been working with addiction since at least 1970 I do not know why these miracles of seemingly immediate return to rational thinking happen to/for those few.
 
The bottom line for family members of the addict:
 

• Do not expect logic or common sense.
• Do not take the behavior of the addict personally.
• Do not trust the addict to BE ABLE to consider the needs of others. The NEED to feed one’s addiction is primary.
• Do not judge the addict.
• Vote for people at all levels of government who are committed to improving the laws and facilities for treatment of addiction and other mental illnesses.
• Be grateful for the ability to think and act logically (most of the time!).

 
Written September 8, 2016
 
 

 
Second Guessing
 
All of us want to make the right decisions for the right reasons.  Yet, we know that there are many different factors to consider with making most decisions.  The decision which is “right” or best for some reasons may not be right or best for other reasons.     The results of some decisions last a very long time and affect a lot of people.  For example, the decision of whom to marry or partner with in a love relationship or even for business can have long lasting effects on a number of people besides yourself and your partner.  Purchasing the wrong house unless one is very wealthy can have very long positive or negative effects.  We may find that the house we buy has many advantages we did not anticipate.  On the other hand, we could find that there are serious structural issues or other issues which will result in us taking a loss and still not being able to live in that house.    Home inspectors, although often very adept at discovering possible issues, still cannot uncover or anticipate all issues.   
 
Many of us do not wait for results of our decisions before we start worrying.  Often we begin to second guess ourselves. It is easy to fall into the habit of questioning many of one’s decisions rather than using one’s energy to enjoy the positive results of one’s decision and adjusting to those aspects which may not be exactly as one thought or hoped. We may even play the “what if” mind game with ourselves and do not give ourselves a chance to enjoy the potential fruits of the decisions which we have made. If it seems as if the decision could have negative consequences, we may mentally beat ourselves up.   The other day I was talking to a young man who is struggling with addiction to alcohol.    Rather than focusing on the fact that he has an opportunity to make new decisions today he is ruminating about the opportunities he has lost as a result of past decisions to keep drinking.   In fact, he has a tendency to spend so much energy beating himself up that he becomes so distraught and returning to drinking seems the only options for him.  Then, of course, he can beat himself up even more. It seems to be a never ending cycle.
 
The first verse of a song by Jonny Lang is an apt description of what happens when we spend a lot of energy second guessing ourselves.
  
Second Guessing
Jonny Lang
Second guessing' first impressions
There you go again
Rushing off in all directions
Since I don't know when
All day long you're building walls
You're building walls all day
Putting ceilings on your feelings
When they should fly away
 
 
Although it may be useful to review decisions we have made and decide what decisions are most likely to lead to the results we want today – the results which are most consistent with our long term spiritual goals – when we spend a lot of energy agonizing over past decisions we are not able to either make new healthy decisions or be available to what is possible today.   I am sure that all of us have spent time with people who are so miserable self-flagellating themselves that they are not present.   Their negative energy is so powerful that one wants to honor the wall of negative energy and just get away from them. 
 
The goal, of course, is to regularly step back and question the overall results of one’s decisions.  One might ask:
 
·      In general, is one happy or satisfied with the results of one’s decisions?   
·      Are there changes one can make which are more likely to engender results which are consistent with one’s long term goals?
·      Are there some situations which one just needs to live with?
·      Can one find positives in the current situation?
·      How can one move to acceptance of those situations or factors which one cannot change?
 
Again, I am reminded of the brief version of the serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:
 
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
 
I am also reminded of the sage wisdom of “laughter is the best medicine.”    Sometimes, of course, in retrospect we did make an impulsive decision or just a plain dumb one. All we can reasonably do is accept that our mind took a brief vacation and live with the results. We beg on bended knees for our mind to please show up in the future.  Ironically the more we are able to relax and accept that all of us are going to make bad or even ridiculous decisions at times, the more likely we can make better decisions in the future. 
 
I am also reminded to heed this advice when a child, a friend, a nephew, a spouse/partner makes a dumb mistake.  We certainly do not want to play the “what if” game with them That is not helpful or kind.   We want to reassure them that if their decision ends up not working out then one just picks up the pieces and moves on.  If there is some habit associated with decision making which is not helpful, then of course remind oneself to never make a decision when that behavior is present. For example, if a person is prone to making decisions when tired, angry, drinking or otherwise impaired then that might be something worth noticing. 
 
The goal is to make the best, most educated decisions one can and resolve to live with the consequences.   We may find that laughter is inversely correlated with the ability to accept the results of the decisions we have made.    If we are not frequently laughing, then we are missing an opportunity to be with friends.  Friends will always laugh with us while helping to either enjoy the consequences of our decisions or to help mop up the mess and make new decisions.
 
Written September 5, 2016
 

​Sunday musings
 
As is often my habit, this morning I listened to the NPR program On Being with host Krista Tippett.  The podcast was the July 16, 2015 interview with Mairabai Bush entitled “Search Inside Yourself: Contemplation in Life and Work”  Mirabai Bush co-founded the Center for Contemplative Mind in Society. She is also the author, with Ram Dass, of Compassion in Action; Setting Out on the Path of Service.
 
Oxforddictionary. Com defines contemplate as:
 
1.1       Think about
1.2       Think profoundly and at length; meditate
1.3       Have in mind as a probable though not certain intention
 
Mrs. Bush talked in the interview about The Tree of Contemplative Practices the Center she co-founded created.  If one googles this one learns:  “The Tree illustrates some of the contemplative practices currently in use in secular organizational and academic settings. This is not intended to be a comprehensive list. Below the Tree you will find links to descriptions of many of these practices as well as a more in-depth description of the Tree and image files for downloading.”
 
I was reminded that contemplation is an approach to showing up or being present no matter what the situation or setting.   Most of us are not able to spend hours or even many minutes being quiet and contemplating our spiritual goals – who we want to be today in the various spaces in which we find ourselves.  We are busy living our lives:  taking care of our families, working to earn a paycheck, doing maintenance chores of paying bills, keeping the car serviced, attempting to be a good neighbor and citizen,  and dealing with loss or other disappointments.  There is seemingly a never ending list of tasks which can easily leave us exhausted and feeling lost.   Mrs. Bush is acutely aware that if we are going to practice contemplation it has to happen in the so-called secular world of our everyday existence.  Whether it is with those men and women fighting the wars which certain of our peers decide is necessary, with those working in creative worlds such as Google, parenting that adult child who is addicted which is a different task that caring for a healthy one-year-old, working on an assembly line, working as a judge, or working as a mental health counselor, the practice of contemplation has to be practical in the midst of life.    Ms. Tippett, the host of On Being sometimes can only manage to devote six minutes of contemplative time while her tea is steeping in the morning.  Even that may be interrupted. 
 
My experience is that even when I am doing my best to be intentional about showing up in a way which  is consistent with my primary spiritual goal to love unconditionally, I am busy attempting to figure what it means to love unconditionally.   Perhaps I am talking to the parents of a 26 or 27-year old alcoholic who just want to “catch a break” in the seemingly never ending cycle of helping their son while he simultaneously finds a new way to sabotage his life and their efforts.   To say to them, “Don’t take this personally and do not react with anger.” does not help them decide if they should help more or less or what it means to honor his journey when his addicted mind is not working. I cannot know what it is like to watch this young man who just the other day was that beautiful baby they brought home from the hospital.  At age 27, he step-by-step is being  destroyed by this terrible disease.    Perhaps I am attempting to respond to another young man who is heart-broken and frightened of being alone since his girlfriend of three years ended the relationship.   Perhaps I am talking to a single parent who attempts to be a responsible, creative and loving parent in addition to working the night shift. This leaves her exhausted She is also possibly living  with fibromyalgia.  Perhaps I am attempting to make a responsible decision about making a new home and home office while being acutely aware of the extent to which I have become attached to central air, a dishwasher and other conveniences which now feel like necessities.  A part of me at the very same time is aware of the people left homeless because of war, poverty, natural events such as floods, hurricanes, and fires. My attachment to these things and the money it takes to procure them instead of contributing more to others who are barely surviving contradicts my professed desire to be more spiritual.     I would, of course, advise others “to just notice this fact without judging.” 
 
I might now again notice that the most I can manage is to be aware of taking a breath and smiling.   In a minute I am again reminded by some voice which surely does not come from me, a voice that reminds me I don’t need answers or purity or even the “right” questions.   I don’t need to find the perfect spiritual advice for those parents, that single mother, the new widow with young children, or the soldier.   As Ms. Bush and many others remind us is that perhaps overused and seemingly trite L word  - love – is enough. Of course one could now contemplate the “deep’ meaning of the L word!   Oh my!  I smile.
 
Written September 4, 2016

​Life shows up
 
Recently I was at the funeral home paying respects to a woman whose husband had recently died.   Although it seems silly or redundant to say that it was an unexpected death, this was a very healthy 51 year old man who did everything right in terms of taking care of himself physically, emotionally and spiritually.    Later I was talking with a client who is struggling with the fact that she needs to make a decision. No matter what decision she makes she and other affected people are not going to feel good. This woman is a very kind, responsible person and, yet, she finds herself at a crossroads. She must choose a road to travel. No matter what decision she makes there is going to be emotional hurt.  She is a person who likes to do everything possible to ensure that everyone whose life she touches feels comforted and well taken care of.    Still later I was talking to someone whose estranged partner is dealing with what appears to be an addiction to alcohol.  He is broken hearted.  
 
The newspaper tells me of floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, and an alarming murder rate in such cities as Chicago.   
 
Daily we all confronted with life events over which we have no control.   True we might sometimes be able to take some action which might mitigate some life events in the future, but no matter what, all of us are going to face many life events which seem unfair, untimely and without purpose.  Often these events leave much physical and/or emotional destruction for us to somehow incorporate in our life dance.
 
Once again I am reminded of the 12 steps of alcoholic anonymous and other recovery programs.   The first step of the program states:
         “We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.”
 
We can easily substitute any number of life events for the word alcohol.    As long as we decide that we can only manage our lives when or if we can control an additive disorder without having to quit the addictive behavior, the course of life itself, other people or situations we are going to experience our lives as unmanageable.   Many of us have the habit of refusing to accept that we cannot control other people, places and things.   We cannot accept that no matter what we do or don’t do life events over which we have no control are going to present themselves. If we are predisposed to alcoholism, for example, we are not going to be able to safely have a drink. No matter how much we redesign buildings we are not going to prevent all the damage of a large scale earthquake or hurricane.  In spite of our most loving and nurturing behavior, people about whom we care are going to die of an illness, an accident or the seemingly senseless act of someone else. No matter how carefully we plan, unexpected events over which we have no control will continue to show up and rearrange our schedules and our life as a whole.
 
The problem is not, of course, life events or even other people, places or things. Often the problem, in my experience, is that we do not want to change our expectations.  I expect:
 
·      To outlive my children.
·      For my spouse/partner to take care of themselves and live longer than they will.
·      To be able to be part of a community which is able to design earthquake and flood proof buildings.
·      To stay physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy until we  die even if that is not until we are 100.
·      Other people to do their job the way we think it should be done.
·      To be the chosen ones who are rewarded for doing the next right thing – rewarded in the time frame and manner we decide is fair and appropriate.
·      To be offended or seen as a victim when life is not fair by our standards.
 
One could go on and on with this list but I am sure that the reader can make their own list.    The point is that no matter how much we plan, how much homework we do, how well we take care of ourselves, or how well we design buildings and other parts of the community, life is going to show up and remind us that we are not in charge.  We have a choice to either accept that or to make ourselves and everyone around us miserable because we are being picked on – to demonstrate that we are miserable persons who  are not deserving of negative life events.  We should not be those who have an addiction or some other illness, suffers the loss of a loved one, loses a job, has to deal with a hurricane, earthquake or some other natural event.
 
The purpose of the first step of the 12-step program is to help one escape the victim role.  Life is going to show up in the form of addictive disorders, other medical issues, earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, accidents and many other events, situations, and challenged people.   We can try to prepare for the unexpected but we cannot prepare for everything. We can attempt to measure  whether life is fair,  complain that we have more than our share of life events or we can expect that such events will show up and do our best to accept and deal with life as it shows up.  We can get help for some conditions and events.  Others we just have to muddle through as best we can.  Hopefully, we help take care of each other when life shows up. That will make the journey easier.   Hopefully, in the midst of tragic events we find the pot of gold in the form of a warm embrace, a smile, a laugh, a hug, a listening ear or the offer of the sharing of a cup of soup.   That we can control.  I am reminded of the famous serenity prayer as penned by Reinhold Niebuhr:
 
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
 
Written September 3, 2016

​HALT   Revisited
 
I have previously written about my respect and appreciation for the 12 step recovery programs.   Both the steps and the many recommendations for emotional and spiritual health can benefit everyone.  Some of us are blessed to not have immediate life threatening addictive illness, but everyone I know, including me, can benefit from the practices and principles of the program.   As we know, of course, the same wisdom is contained in the teachings of Jesus, Buddha and others.  The 12-step program, however, probably has the clearest, easiest to use, program for daily addressing spiritual growth.
 
I recently completed a drive from Dunedin, Florida to Wheeling, West Virginia where I formerly lived and worked.  I am in the process of moving back to Wheeling.  The process of selling my villa, looking for new place in Wheeling, dealing with moving companies and all the other details connected with moving many miles has provided me with many reminders of the challenge of serenity and spiritual growth – or lack thereof.   I noticed myself:
 

• Frustrated with the fact that I could not control over people, places and things.
• Devoid of any faith that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity
• Only capable of turning my will over the care of God as I understand him/her for a fraction of a second.
• Frequently able to realize that I was again wanting to be in charge of other people, places and things and having judgmental thoughts when I could not.

 
Be far, however, the principle which I most noticed was that of HALT- hungry, angry, lonely, tired.   I was reminded time and time again that when my normal schedule for rest, nutritional intake, sleep, physical exercise and daily spiritual practice is interrupted for any amount of time I first get grumpy and then mean-spirited and angry.  It is not pretty.   I was particularly aware of this on the second day of driving towards the end of the trip.   The trip had been long but overall had gone well.  My trusty friend, the voice of the woman on my built in GPS had guided me away from the approaching tropical storms and the worst of the construction traffic.  I had taken breaks and checked in with friends via phone and the internet.  The list of blessings could easily have filled up several pages.    Yet, I noticed myself making a mental list of all the people who had not performed their job to my satisfaction over the past year or so. The list may have covered more pages than the list of blessings. Public service people, managers of business enterprises, politicians, clergy, and others had not done what any healthy, competent person would have done. 
 
“Ahh”, I said to myself.   “Isn’t this interesting.”  My brain is searching for ways to complain and to put emotional distance between me and others.   Although it took me a few minutes of this misery to realize that I needed to push the HALT memory button.   When one is emotionally, physically and spiritually tired and when one is simultaneously withholding healthy food and exercise the brain is overloaded and cannot see colors (positives).  It searches for reasons to distance oneself from people and responsibilities.   The loneliness and angry are actually symptoms of the HT.   The anger is a response to the empty internal gas tanks. The loneliness is a result of the anger which has been pushing away potentially supported people.   Strictly speaking the process is really:   HT=A = L.   HALT, however, is catchy and easy to remember acronym.    It works even if it may not accurately reflect the sequence of events.
 
The magic of HALT or HT=A= L is that it an easy way to remind oneself that the brain is not working on all cylinders and one is going to have to switch to manual to correct its flawed perceptions and conclusions.  When one regularly works the steps of spiritual growth and remind oneself of the principles of spiritual growth one will begin to notice when the brain is out of gas and one cannot trust or reinforce its perceptions.   Then one can follow the recommendations of the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron and other teachers to not feed the negative thoughts.   One just non-judgmentally notices the thought.  One might say to oneself, “Isn’t that interesting.” Then one might remind oneself to breath.
 
If one goggles eomega.org and then looks for an article by Pema Chodron entitled “Life without the story line” one can read the following:
 
“The propensity to feel sorry for ourselves, the propensity to be jealous, the propensity to get angry—our habitual, all-too-familiar emotional responses are like seeds that we just keep watering and nurturing. But every time we pause and stay present with the underlying energy, we stop reinforcing these propensities and begin to open ourselves to refreshingly new possibilities.”
 
Whether we think of it as not feeding and nurturing the negative thoughts, dropping the story line, or just noticing without comment the goal is realizing, without judgement that the thoughts are at best incomplete and, at worse, lies.
 
Just as our car will not function without gas and the house will not heat or cool without a source of energy, our marvelously designed physical body will not function with the various physical, nutritional, emotional and spiritual fuels.  Conditions such as illness also will not allow it to function well.
 
Today I can be grateful for the frequent symptoms of my need to take care of myself if I want to be the best I can be. Although the symptoms might not feel like gifts at the time in truth I need these reminders lest I feed the judgmental thoughts and become arrogant and self- righteous.
 
Written September 2, 2016.
 
 

​Comic relief
 
As one is being bombarded with news of wars, refugees, addiction to power, money, alcohol and other drugs as well as violence, one can sit down with the morning newspaper and allow oneself to channel Will Rogers.  One can just hear him:
 
Will:  Oh my!  Pass the cigars boys and girls.  The Sunday, August 28, 2016  edition of the Tampa Bay Times has an article by Tony Marrero on that “New FDA tobacco rules appear to ban cigar donations to troops. Read with me:
 
 
“Some in the industry say a provision in the new FDA rules that forbids handing out free samples of tobacco products could apply to donated cigars. What's more, an existing rule under the Tobacco Control Act that forbids "the charitable distribution of tobacco products" now apparently applies to cigars, said Anna Wiand, a lawyer who specializes in regulated products for the Gray Robinson law firm in Tampa.”
"It would now be unwise to make those donations with that express charitable donation prohibition," Wiand said. "I don't know how much of a priority this would be for the FDA, but it quite clearly is a prohibition under the regulatory regime we have."’
 
Not surprising Tampa is home to several cigar companies, the owners of some of which have been very generous in sending cigars to United States troop members since 9/11.  There are other organizations which also do the same.   
 
Yes, Samuel, nicotine is bad for one. Bad. Bad. Bad.  Yes, we want to set a good example for the young people.   On the other hand, when we send our men and women to risk death, loss of limbs and other disabling injuries do we really expect them to be concerned about the ill effects of an occasional cigar?  Really?
 
One is reminded of the words of Arlo Guthrie ‘s in Alice’s Restaurant when he filling out forms in response to being drafted.  One of the questions is, “Have you ever been arrested?”   He had been arrested for littering. He says:
 
“I filled out the Massacree with the four-part harmony. Wrote it down there
Just like it was and everything was fine. And I put down my pencil, and I
Turned over the piece of paper, and there . . . on the other side . . . in
The middle of the other side . . . away from everything else on the other
Side . . . in parentheses . . . capital letters . . . quotated . . . read
The following words: "Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?"
 
I went over to the sergeant. Said, "Sergeant, you got a lot of god-damned
Gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself! I mean . . . I mean . . . I
Mean that you send . . . I'm sittin' here on the bench . . . I mean I'm
Sittin' here on the Group W bench, 'cause you want to know if I'm moral
Enough to join the army, burn women, kids, houses and villages after bein' a
Litterbug."
Well, that says it all doesn’t it?   What fun. Let’s keep reading.  Ahh, here is an interesting piece in the Wednesday, August 31, 2016 edition of the Washington Examiner.  Susan Crabtree writes about the new $2.45 billion question at Amtrak.
 
“Amtrak got a whopping $2.45 billion loan from the Transportation Department last week, but it's still unclear whether the heavily subsidized railway will use taxpayer dollars or its own future profits to pay it back.”
"That's the $2.45 billion question," Taxpayers for Common Sense's Steve Ellis told the Washington Examiner. "Are they going to be able to generate additional funds to pay back these loans, or is it going to put Amtrak further in the red?"
“Since its creation in 1971, Amtrak has never made a profit and has survived through rocky periods when its continued existence relied on billions of dollars each year in congressional appropriations to keep it afloat.”
 
Really?  The military budget in 2015 was $598.5 billion.  The budget for running the United States government was $72.9 billion. The transportation budget was $29.7 billion. Now why it is that the transportation budget does not include the train service.  Well, it does include some for passenger rail service but not Amtrak?   I get so confused.  We seem to have few limits on the amount we spend for highway building and maintenance.  Why the fuss about Amtrak? I am sure if we were trained politicians and lobbyists this would make sense to us.
 
Oh! You will love this one. Donny Trump is going to have a little sit down with President of Mexico. Haven’t they been saying vile things to each other? I bet they are going to trade the dirty dozen and make Arlo sound like a Baptist, born again preacher. One can only imagine or perhaps one does not want to imagine.  Since the President of Mexico has an approval rating of 23% and Donny not much better, perhaps they can bond over a beer.  Donny and Enrique. Who knows? A marriage made in heaven! All that fighting was just an excuse to make up. Just like Oklahoma farm animals.
 
Oh and got to love those Mylan folks.   CEO Heather Bresch (daughter of former West Virginia governor Manchin) says they are going to make a generic of the drug on which they just raised the price  -  the Epipen.   Not too worry. Even at half the cost the generic will break the budget of those working folks who have to have them for their children. Gotta love those community minded folks in West Virginia.
 
Mercy me? The news just wears one out. 
 
We humans certainly know how to entertain each other.
 
 
Written August 31, 2016

​School Bells – Current affairs – Grade 8 – week 4
 
Goodness, this is week four already for the weekly current affairs class for the 8th grade class.   This week the assignment was to come prepared to discuss Tom’s question about why some people are so uncomfortable with those who are transgendered. This is a very personal issue for Tom but he is also concerned about the larger issue of why so many of us seem to get frightened of or are angry at people who are different. 
 
Me:  Good morning class.  How is everyone?
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim. 
 
Me:  I had suggested that this week we talk about Tom’s question about why some people are so uncomfortable with those who are transgendered.  I hope that everyone was able to talk to their families about this.    Who wants to share their conversations with family members? 
 
Amy:  My dad said that he would be very uncomfortable having a girl who was a boy in the bathroom. My mother then asked why he would care because the person would probably be using a stall and not a urinal.  Then I asked how he would know if the boy had been a girl and he said everyone would know.  My mother wanted to know why he would be so uncomfortable.  He was not able to answer her.
 
Me:  Why do you think he was so uncomfortable?
 
Amy:  He thought about it and said that he did not know why he is so uncomfortable. He said that growing up he cannot recall ever knowing anyone who was transgendered.
 
Me: What does the class think?  Was there no transgendered people when your parents were growing up?
 
Tom: There were transgendered people but most people did not talk about family members who were transgendered.  Even most transgendered people did not feel safe talking about their concerns.  There were some famous people such as Christine Jorgensen, Chaz Bono and some others but it was not something which many people talked or accepted.   Also there were not many doctors working with pre-surgery issues. Even now the cost can be well over $100,000.00.  Sometimes insurance will cover but often that is not the case and even then the policy can cost a lot.   There are some questions about whether this is a pre-existing condition which insurers have to cover.   Still, the cost of the policy and the deductible amount can be a lot.
 
Me:  Wow, Tom you have already researched a lot. I am impressed.
 
Tom:  My parents say it is easier to find out information than it used to be. 
 
Me:  Let’s get back to question of why many people are so uncomfortable with even talking about the issues faced by transgendered people.  Has this been true for all cultures?
 
Abdul:  In our culture in Egypt we do not allow homosexual behavior or transgender behavior.  My understanding is that people in this country used to go to prison for such behavior.
 
Me: Yes, I think it is easy to forget that the more accepting attitudes among many in this country is new.
 
Amy:  I read that many Native American tribes honored what is now being called Two-spirited people and talked about four groups of people – masculine males, feminine males, masculine females and feminine females. There was no sense of judgement about which group one was.
 
Me: That is true.
 
Amena:  How did people decide that being transgendered, gay, bisexual, lesbian was wrong?
 
Paul:  Uncle Jim, you tell Sam and me all the time that little children are very accepting until they are told something is wrong.
 
Me: That is true. What are some of the reasons that people decided that it was a choice to be transgendered, gay, lesbian and transsexual?
 
John:  God told them.
 
Me: Well it is certainly true that many religions teach that God has said that it is wrong.
 
Susie: Mr. Jim Do you think that sometimes we want something to be true  hard enough and decide that God said it?
 
Me: Hard enough is great way of saying that.  It is true that some people think they can hear God saying something.  Other people think that we need for other people to believe something and if we blame it on God people are more likely to behave that way.
 
Amy: What does that have to do with homosexual behavior or transgendered behavior Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  Let’s think about homosexual behavior.  It used to be that many children and women died in childbirth.  The tribes needed a lot of people to work on the farm to do work such as farming, gathering wood, building homes and lots of other things.  The belief was that there was a limited amount of sperm and so they decided it was wrong to waste it by having sex with another male or to masturbate. 
 
Tom:  That does not explain the fear of transgendered people Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  No it doesn’t does it?
 
Susie: My mom says that it is easier if we know what to expect.  If a man acts like a man or a woman acts like a woman then everyone knows how to treat them and what to expect.
 
Abdul:  We really like living in the United States but sometimes it is very confusing because you never know what to expect or how to treat another person.  In Egypt in public you knew how to treat men and women and which one they were.  In private sometimes there were lots of arguments because we did not wear our public behavior.
 
Me: That is a good point.  Sometimes we are more comfortable if we know what to expect and how to behave even if we are not really like that in private.
 
Tom:  I think we also worry about what others will think or if someone will make fun of us.
 
Me:  Say more about that Tom.
 
Tom:  As long as I dressed and tried to act like a Tom most boys did not make fun of me.  When I started wearing different clothes I wanted to do that, but, at the same time, I did not want anyone to make fun of me. Even some of my friends were nice to me in private but would joke and make fun of me in public because they were afraid that if they defended me others would question who they were.
 
Me:  How did that make you feel Tom?
 
Tom:  I was hurt, confused and afraid Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  I am really sorry about. Did anyone stand up for you?
 
Tom: Paul always did and he did not care if people thought he was my friend.  That felt really good.
 
Me:  Good for Paul. How is this year for you?
 
Tom:  Everyone in this class treats me well, but some other kids, mostly boys, still make fun of me.
 
Me: I am really sorry about that.   So sometimes we treat someone badly because we are afraid if we stand up for them that people will make fun of us or bully us.  Paul, how come you stood up for Tom?
 
Paul:  Uncle Jim, if you or my parents ever heard that I made fun of someone you would have been very upset with me.  Sam and I always knew it was wrong to make fun of someone else. We always met a lot of different people at home or at hour house.
 
Me: That is true.  We worked very hard to help each other have the courage to treat everyone with respect.
 
Paul:  We also learned that there are no male or female behaviors except boys cannot have babies! I am glad of that!
 
Me:  Dear me.  It seems as if we just got started on this conversation and now the time is up.   I am really proud of all of you.   I hope that you thought we did well in starting to talk about this subject Tom.
 
Tom:  Thanks, Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  Next week we will talk about Amena’s concerns about the refugees.   Please talk to each other and do some research about the refugee issue and what we should do to do to help them.  Is there a way to stop the wars and other conditions which create refugees?  What should we do when there are millions of people who need homes, food, clothing, jobs and education?  What are we willing to share?
 
Ring, ring, ring 
 
Me:  Class over.  Have a wonderful week.
 
Written August 29, 2016

​School Bells – current affairs – Grade 1 – week four
Building Walls
 
This will be the 4th week that I have met with my seven-year-old adopted niece’s first grade class for a discussion of current issues.   The first time we met I asked all the children to name one issue in the news which concerned them.  Sofia, whose family was born in Mexico, was worried about a wall being built between the United States and Mexico.   She was afraid that her family and her grandparents would not be able to travel back and forth to visit.  I asked the children to talk to their families about how we can learn to work with other countries and think how about even first graders can make a difference in how we get along with people in other countries.
 
Me:  Good morning class.   How is everyone? 
 
Class (in unison):  Good morning Mr. Jim.  
 
Suddenly they are waving sheets of paper and I recall I had sent home a permission slip for a family member of each of the children to tell me whether it was okay to bring in chocolate chip cookies with nuts. 
 
Me:  You brought your slips. Great.   Sue would you roll around (she uses a wheelchair) and collect the slips?  Thanks.
 
Sue does as I have asked and brings me the slips. I quickly look at them and discover that one of the children cannot have nuts. 
 
Me:  Great.  Since one of you is allergic to nuts, I can bring cookies but without nuts.  So, I will bring some in next week.
 
All the children clap.
 
Me:   Okay. That is great.  Does everyone remember the assignment?  Yes? Raise your hands. 
 
All hands go up.
 
Me: Wonderful.  Does anyone want to share what family members said about the possible wall and how even first graders can help us get along better with neighbors?
 
Sue:  My mother said that a wall will never be built.  She says Mr. Trump is the main one who wants to build it.  He even wants Mexico to pay for it.
 
Sam:  The president of Mexico says he will never pay for a wall.
 
Ahmes:  My older sister and I looked it up and there are more Mexicans going back to Mexico than are coming to the United States.
 
Tommy:  My Uncle says that is not true.  The whew or dew or
 
Me: The Pew organization?
 
Tommy: That’s it Mr. Jim.  He said the Pew organization made that up.
 
Sofia:  My dad said that a lot of companies from United States moved their place to Mexico to pay cheap wages.
 
Tara:  My mother says that it is also cheaper to exp…  Espor
 
Me:  Export. That means selling to someone in another country. Here let me draw it on the board.
 
Tara:  Anyway they save money.
 
Me: Do they use the extra money to pay the workers more? What happens to that money?
 
Steve:  My brother says that the big people make more money and build big homes. The big houses hire some people but not a lot.
 
Me: By big people you mean the big bosses Steve?
 
Steve: The people who are not like us.
 
Me:  Goodness, it sounds as if there are a lot of issues.  Would a wall solve any of them?
 
Sam:  It would keep us out of Mexico.  If Mexico paid for it then they could decide who stays out of Mexico and who stayed out of the United States.
 
Me:  That makes sense Sam. What is the real problem here? Why do we have difficulty getting along with our neighbors?
 
Susie:  We have a lot of kids from different countries and we get along.
 
Me: That is true.  This school has worked hard to make sure we get to know about each other. We also live in the same neighborhoods.
 
Sam:  Our house is like a bunch of countries.
 
Me: Yes, it is a very international house.  International means what.
 
Ahmes:   A lot of different countries?
 
Me: Yes.  Very good Ahmes.   Do you think that if we learn to respect each other as children we will still be friends when we grow up?
 
Tara:  Why wouldn’t we still be friends Mr. Jim?
 
Susie:  What if we are like the trees and the other plants? What if we need each other to live?
 
Me: Wow.  What if that is true class?
 
Steve: That means we have to learn to be nice to each other.
 
Sofia:  I am confused Mr. Jim. If there are so many reasons for us to get along, why would be build a wall or be mean to each other?
 
Me:  Very good Sofia.  Once again I am so proud of you and your families for helping us learn from and with each other.  It sounds as if our job as first graders is to get to know each other and stay friends as we grow up.  It also sounds as if we cannot solve problems if we do not get along.  What else have we learned today?  Shout it out and I will write on the board.
 
1.    Not everything we read or hear is the truth.
2.    Some rich people want to pay others very little.
3.    Selling to other countries is cheaper in Mexico.
4.    Mexico will not pay for a wall.
5.    If we work and play together we becomes friends.
6.    We have a lot to learn.
 
Wow.  That is very good. We do have a lot to learn about how we are going to live and work together.  It sounds like the most important thing is to learn about and from each other. We cannot solve problems together if we do not like each other.
 
Sam:  Are we having cookies next week Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  I promise.  I will bring lots of chocolate chip cookies without nuts next week.   
 
All the children clap and shout out YEY!
 
Me:  How about between now and next week you talk to your families about Steve’s concern about making it safe for those riding bicycles?   I have written it down so each of you can take the assignment home to your families.   Steve will you pass them out.
 
Steve:  Okay Mr. Jim.
 
Steve passes out the assignment.
 
Ring, ring, ring!
 
Me:  Have a wonderful week.  Thanks for helping me learn.
 
Written August 30, 2016