Blog Archives - Therapy or life coaching

Music or Noise

11/19/2018

Music or noise

I really appreciate Seth Godin’s daily blog.   It is positive, civil, and never noisy. This morning the blog is about noise and signal. He reminds the reader “Cut down your noise, improve your signal.”

Earlier this morning I listened to a Ted talk entitled “Is civility a sham?” by Teresa Sham. She concludes it is not, although at one time she thought it was.    Both of these individuals reminded me of the power of action; the power of what Mr. Godin calls the signal.

When I think of the signal I think of the essential message I am attempting to communicate.    When I speak or write in sound bites or pronouncements my intent is to bully the person with my opinion. This intent has nothing to do with communication and, thus nothing to do with problem solving. The purpose is to create noise. Noise is the opposite of music. Music uplifts, soothes, challenges and sends a signal to the deep part of my soul. It provokes tears, laughter, delight, confusion, passion and a host of other emotions and thoughts.    Noise elicits a sense of dissonance; of discord. The sounds of an orchestra, an instrument, a musical voice, nature at work and play, children playing, a poem, or a carefully crafted sentence arrives as music.

The intent of the signal of music is to communicate; of noise to tear down, destroy, shut up; to prove that I am louder, smarter, wiser or more powerful;

Noise is not kind, civil or intended to improve a relationship.

It seems to me that each moment of the day I can choose to create noise or music. Every action, spoken or unspoken, creates energy which affects the entire universe. That energy is destined to nurture, energize, comfort or confront. Just for today I choose to send forth music.

Written November 19, 2018.

Sunday Musings - November 18, 2018

11/18/2018

Sunday Musings - November 18, 2018

No matter how old I get every time I travel to some distant place it feels like magic. Just last Sunday I was in the Dallas area and this Sunday I am in my home in Wheeling. Yesterday I was in Pittsburgh – approximately 60 miles from my home. Even that brief distance could have taken two to three days via horse and buggy although some military people traveled that far in a day. That would have been exhausting for both rider and horse.   On Monday night I traveled the approximately 1060 miles between Dallas, Texas and Pittsburgh in about 150 minutes. Many of us have and do travel from coast to coast or from the East Coast to Paris or another location in Europe and back in the course of the same weekend. Travel to the space station takes less than six hours. I often receive notes via the internet in a matter of a matter of seconds. In fact, emails now travel 85,000 miles in a second.   Telephone conversations are even faster.

All this is to say that we keep shrinking our world. I can be instantly aware of what is happening around the planet.   I am also more aware of what is happening in the universe.   Yet, the more our world shrinks the more we are aware of the unequal distribution of resources. We are confronted with the fact that we humans have more in common with each other than we have differences. We are forced to create more physical, social, and “moral” constructs in an effort to prove to ourselves that our worth is more so that we can convince ourselves our life has meaning and we can justify having more of the resources than we need.    I have a relatively small house which is just over 1000 square feet which houses two places to eat, two full size beds, two couches which can easily accommodate four more people, more clothes than I can wear in a week even if I switch every day (probably more than I could wear in a month), enough food In the pantry and the freezer to feed many people for days, and a host of other stuff. Just this morning I talk to a homeless person and read about all those who were grateful for the Thanksgiving food basket giveaway sponsored by a local church. With the help of many in the community this church provided food baskets, school supplies and other necessities for hundreds of people. Other churches and organizations will assist many more in the community.   Many of us pat ourselves on the back for sharing a tiny bit of the excess which we had no inherent right to in the first place.

The People University Class I am attending this week had another look at the United States Constitution and The Bill of Rights. The professor, Dr. Lofaso, challenged us to look at such phrases as “all men” within the context of the culture in which these European, Caucasian land owners penned these words.   Our understanding of that phase has evolved and, yet, we live in a time when that evolution evokes fear and, thus new lies under the guise of new and old social constructs – immigrant, criminals, lazy, freeloaders, terrorists and many others.

Again, as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving in the United States. I must ask, “Who am I?” What if my worth is independent of bank account, gender, sexual orientation, degrees, age or other superficial factors and social constructs?   What does generous mean when I have more than my share?

Witten November 18, 2018

Costuming

11/17/2018

Costuming

Humans and some other animals have great fun with costumes. Actually, we humans are a relatively boring and uninteresting species when it comes to our birth costume. Other animals, particularly some bird species, have some very colorful and beautiful costumes some of which are designed to announce their readiness to mate. The male flame bowerbird builds an avenue-type bower with two sides of sticks. It also moves his wings and tail to the side and shakes his head when it is ready for a sexual relationship. Many of the animal species have very elaborate rituals to indicate that they are ready for mating and/or ready for a sexual relationship which may or may not be with an opposite sex member of the species.

Although human have been experimenting with costumes and rituals to announce their readiness to at least explore a romantic relationship, we have also “evolved” to disassociate a sexually explicit costume from a willingness to engage in a romantic or sexual relationship.

We humans rightfully, I believe, want and are increasing demanding the right to say no at any time and at any stage of a sexual or romantic dance. We have even evolved to maintain that even a very sexually explicit costume is not an invitation to a sexual or romantic dance. It is easy to accept that, given our culture, children – even young adults – are experimenting with using costumes to announce aspects of who they are or who they might want to explore projecting. Adults are expected to supervise and mentor these children but not accept what appears to be and which might me an invitation to a sexual dance. We also are attempting to legislate the response of other children – often with much explicit direction for dealing their powerful hormonal signals to mate or at least find some sexual release.

Once there are two adults of sound mind (sans the influence of mind-altering drugs including alcohol), the current cultural message is that it is the sole responsibility of the audience member to not treat the person using sexually explicit costumes (including perfume, certain, shoes or other accessories) as a sexual object. Of course, one never wants to blame the victim of sexual assault.

I do, however, wonder if all of us in this culture have some responsibility for exploring ways that we can use costumes to have fun, to feel good about our bodies and to even feel sexual without presenting ourselves as a sexual object. Certainly, many of us do not want there to be universal rules to cover one head or even most of one’s face to reduce the like hood of sexual attractiveness. (Even the covering can sometimes do more to stimulate one’s imagination then the exposure of certain body parts.)

Is it possible that the time has come to have open, frank, non-judgmental discussions about the role we want costumes to play in our adult relationships? Could we possibility set aside for a moment labels such as victims and perpetrators and lovingly, creatively explore these topics. This would obviously be a different conversation than that we need to have about how deal with compulsive sexual disorders.

Written November 17, 2018

Power vs Strength

11/16/2018

Power vs strength

Recently my friend Mark posted one of my favorite quotes from Tao Te Ching. 33.

“Mastering others is strength. Mastering myself is true
power.”

I was reminded that there are many sources and types of strength. These include:

Physical strength
Psychological or emotional strength
Intellectual Strength
Economic Strength

All of us or certainly most of us know someone who has used brute force to force someone to do something positive or negative. One might use brute force to force a child, spouse, or the employee of a business to do something. One might use brute force aided by other weapons such as guns to force someone to surrender to one’s will. One might also use brute force to hold someone down during an emergency surgery or to prevent the person from harming himself or herself. One might use the threat of brute force to get someone to do something in an emergency situation. One might often use physical strength to protect a child from doing something dangerous.

One might use psychological or emotional strength to get through a tough situation or to push oneself past one’s comfort zone. One might also use psychological or emotional blackmail to force someone to do something they do not want to do.

One might use intellectual strength to win a debate, to market a product or hold someone captive (in a marriage or any other relationship.

Many use economic strength to reward a person for doing something good for the company, the community or even an individual. During this holiday season organization for collecting money to buy a food basket to give to families. One might also use economic strength to force someone to do something which is not consistent with their desires or needs.

Power, on the other hand, is always internal. Power shows that I have the honestly, courage and willingness to embark on a journey of knowing myself, formulating a set of core values, and holding on to those values no matter what anyone else does or threatens. Power is Rosa Parks saying no, “I will not give up my seat and move to the back of the bus.” Power is Bigger Thomas saying to the police person, “Man you can’t do anything to me, but kill me and that ain’t nothin.” Power is Jesus forgiving Judas. Power is not allowing anxiety, addiction, cancer or some other disease to define me or my journey. Power is saying that I will not stop loving you no matter how much you try to push me away. Power is standing up when sitting down would be easier. Power is loving one’s “enemy” even though others say that is to Pollyanna. Power is not accepting the invitation to join the negative energy of someone. Power is not taking the other person or oneself so seriously while still loving them.

Power is singing along with Gloria Gaynor, “I wall survive.” Power is the message of Nikki Giovanni’s poem, “Ego- Tripping.

Strength is often temporary. It can be take away at any time. Power can be given away but never taken away.

Today I will continue on my journey of claiming my power.

Written November 16, 2018

The blessing

11/15/2018

The blessing

The word blessing originates from Latin and Greeks words which can be translated as “to speak well of or to praise”. The Latin and Greek words benedicere and eulogein were used to translate the “Hebrew word brk in Scripture which referred to bending the knee, worship praise …” (etymonline.com)

The term today is usually used to indicate that one wants someone to be happy, to have good luck or to prosper in some way. Thus, one might say, “Bless those have lost loved one and homes in the California fires.” or one might say, “Bless those who are grieving the loss of loved ones in one of the mass shootings.” One might also say, as I often do, “Bless X who is living with a chronic illness such as an addition to power. sex, alcohol, or other drugs.”   I also might say that I am blessed. Today after reading a text note from a homeless man on this cold, wintery day, I was acutely aware that I have been blessed today with warm home, food, decent health, a job for which I have a passion, loving friends, and the ability to keep learning.

The word blessing for me also connotes Grace meaning that I am not deserving or more deserving than the homeless person who may have none of these essentials.   I am not more deserving than the refugee fleeing oppression. I am not more deserving than the person in prison. Some may argue that indeed some are more deserving because they have not been convicted of any crime, did not rob someone at gunpoint, commit a mass shooting, rape a child or otherwise overtly harm someone in a criminal way. Some might argue that lawfully taking advantage of the weakness or limitations of others is how business is done which does not make one less deserving of having many “blessings” while others seemingly have very few. Grace however, says we are all equally deserving because none of us are deserving.

When I say bless X person as suggested by William Young in his novel The Shack regarding the person who has kidnapped and murdered a young child, I am acknowledging that many factors affect the ability of a person to respect the rights and needs of others. Many types of mental illness prevent one from making decisions which respect one’s own health, the health and even the life of another. The paradox is that a healthy/well-functioning mind can make decisions to engage in behavior which maintains and even improves the health of the mind. The non-healthy mind may, at times, with loving guidance, support and possibility medication be able to make decisions to change some of their health-related habits. Thus, there are those who are able to make a decision that they need help making decisions. They may then be able to avail themselves of the assistance of health care professionals or a self-help group such as AA, NA, SA, OA or others.

Gratitude for blessings or bestowing a blessing require what I think of as humility which implies an acknowledgment of grace which requires empathy which demands forgiveness and sharing.

On this day, I will be grateful for all the blessings I have received and bestow the wish for blessings for all others.    When Jesus suggested whatever, you do to the least of them you do to me, I think he was saying you are blessed and must share those blessings.

Because no one is deserving all are deserving.

Written November 15, 2018

Veterans Day

11/13/2018

Veterans Day

On November 12th, the hotel at which I was staying provided copies of USA Today for the guests. On the Opinion page (page 7A) there was an article by retired Marine Corps Major Scott A. Huesing, author of Echo in Ramadi: The Firsthand Story of U. S. Marines in Iraq’s Deadliest City who commanded a battalion in Iraq. The title of the article is “Thank you for your service, or for killings?”

Major Huesing states “Civilians, even the ones who vote for war, have always tried to find a way to separate and isolate themselves from its harsh realities.” He also states, “…this is the reality of the separation between those who’ve served and those who think they are “supporting the troops.” It is also a separation between those, such as me, who were served in non-combat roles and those who killed, were often wounded and bear witness to the death of their fellow combatants.

Prior to entering combat a soldier has to be trained to think of the people they are potentially going to kill as unlike them as possible. Thus, they are “the enemy, terrorists, al Qaeda, or a host of other terms which are as dehumanizing as possible. We also posit terms such as collateral damage, embedded, and a host of others which hide the tasks we are later going to casually refer to as “your service”.

Neither the soldiers nor the civilians want to think of the men and women that are killed or wounded as sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, lovers, aunts, uncles, neighbors, or friends.

Civilians who kill without the sanction of the community are called murders, domestic terrorists, deranged, extremists, or some other terms which again is designed to convince the general population they are uniquely different.

Even terms as post-traumatic stress syndrome which replaced terms such as shell shocked belies what is in many respects a healthy response to the horrific job communities and countries ask of those they thank for their service.

Major Huesing says “We must stand together as a nation at war.” …Every day should be Veterans Day.

I applaud the courage of Major Huesing in reminding us exactly what we demand the service person to do and why we subsequently thank them. I would hope that if we carefully listen we will, on this Veterans Day recommit to giving 100% of our energy to finding non-violent solutions to learning to live together in families, communities, states, work places and nations. Let’s not pretend as if war is pretty, kind, or something to be celebrated.    Let’s daily, all year long, weep at the mere thought of asking others to die and kill for us; of asking others to kill parts of themselves as they kill fathers, mothers, neighbors, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, lovers, partners, work mates – other humans.    Let’s challenge those who are so sure that the God of their understanding wants them to fight the “just war”; wants them to die and/or kill in the name of a God who behaves like a jealous, easily offended, pubescent teenager.

Thanks, Major Huesing for this poignant, uncomfortable and necessary reminder.

Written November 13, 2018

Restoring Wholeness

11/12/2018

Restoring wholeness

Who are I? What is my purpose? Do I even exist? What does it mean to exist? What does it mean to claim one’s wholeness?

These are all questions that each of us need to ask ourselves at each stage of our life journey. Some of us may never have asked these questions because so much of our journey has been dictated by mental illness, addiction, or the demands of a life situation such as war or other traumas. Some of us never asked these questions because, for whatever reason, we did not know that we had choices. We may not have found our voice. Our voice was not available even to us.

If we have been told often enough that we have no talents or intelligence; that “normal” is a life without hope, resources or choices; that normal is being as invisible as possible then there are no questions.   If there are no questions, then there are no answers. If there are no answers, there is no hope. If there is no hope, then there is no trust. It there is no trust there is no connection. If there is no connection, there is no existence.

It seems that there are a significant percentage of the population throughout the world who are “clinically depressed”.   Is this diagnosis accurate and, if so, what are some possible explanations for this phenomenon?   What is causing this seemingly widespread “dis ease”? Is it possible that the incidence of depression is not greater than it was one or several decades ago? Are we better at diagnosing this condition? Have our expectations changed as we become less accepting of the disparity between the rich and the poor? Have we focused so much on individualism and the nuclear family that we have cut ourselves off from each other and the earth in general?

One of the chief symptoms of depression is a feeling of disconnection; disconnection from one’s own feelings, others and often even the rest of the world. Many individuals phrase this disconnection as feeling different from or different than. They share a history of not feeling a part of and of not being able to experience empathy, or sympathy. The lack of ability to feel empathy and sympathy means that they are not able to care about or consider the needs of others. Thus, they often directly or indirectly harm others emotionally or even physically which results in others not trusting them and pushing them away. Their behavior becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy which results in them feeling less then. It is a vicious circle. Self-medicating with alcohol, other drugs, money, sex or things results in a temporary feeling of euphoria or numbness without treating the core condition.

Chemically, clinical depression is an imbalance in the brain. The chemical imbalance negatively distorts one’s view of oneself and the world. Depression is depressing further negatively affecting the chemical balance. This increased chemical imbalance affects sleep patterns, appetite, energy, sexual functioning as well as functioning of all other organs in the body which in turn further disrupts the chemical balance.

Healing or recovery from this chemical imbalance involves medication and becoming more intentional about nutritional intake, exercise, being in a more positive environment, restoration of healthy sleep patterns, and changing one’s thought process. One has to learn to tell oneself the truth about oneself and the world.   These truths include:

One is worthy of love and respect.
One can find a healthy place to belong – a place where one is treated with love and respect.
One is not weak. One can face life on life’s terms.
One makes mistakes and can often learn from, correct and make amends for one’s mistakes.
It is not an either-or world. The world is not all negative or all positive. Everyone has days that bring more pain, but even in the midst of pain we can allow for the loving support of others.

Depression is a systemic disease affection all parts of the individual, family and community. Because it is systemic we as individuals, families, and a community must identify what we can do to prevent or treat this “dis ease”. We must find ways to restore hope, trust, and connection. We must collectively restore wholeness.

Written November 12, 2018

Sunday Musings - November 11, 2018

11/11/2018

Sunday Musings – November 11, 2018

Today I am at the home of my brother and his wife in Canton Texas. Two of our sisters drove down from Oklahoma to join us. Sadly, the other sister is not here. This is the first visit since the death of my brother-in-law. His wife, my sister, is doing wel, considering that her entire adult life was spent with her husband in a very loving partnership. They raised three children, took care of our Grandmother Pickett after grandpa died, along with our sister took care of our mother for many years, and the past few years took care of her husband who became increasingly disabled. She also has spent a lot of time with her adult children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

It is strange to look back to when our elders were, in our eyes, very old. Then I do the math only to discover that they were much younger than we are now. In fact, I recall Grandma and Grandpa Pickett who had to be in their early forties when I was born. I always thought of them as old.

Once again I am acutely aware of the brevity of this life journey and my responsibility to:

Show up – do not live in the past or the future.
Focus on the many blessings in my life.
Practice the serenity prayer.
Work towards living more minimally – leave as little as possible for my son and other family members to have to deal with.
Be a responsible citizen while remembering that us humans have been stumbling through this life journey for a very long time and will continue to do long after I leave.
Laugh often at myself and with others.
Love unconditionally (work towards loving unconditionally)
Not take the behavior of others personally.
Focus on relationship and not tasks.

I smile as I write this list. I know that I shall continue to get off center and allow life to take over; to take this journey very seriously; to act as if tasks and the legacy I leave is terribly important. The above list covers the only legacy I need to leave – just for today.

Written November 11, 2018

The construction of miracles

11/9/2018

The construction of miracles

I have previously written my thoughts about the miracles of healing and growth. This morning, following the second reminder healing and growth is a process, I thought I should revisit the subject.

The first reminder came as I was listening to the On Being Podcast of November 8, 2018 featuring the conservation between host Krista Tippett and brain surgeon Dr. James Doty. “Dr. Doty is a clinical professor of neurosurgery at Stanford University and founding director of CCARE, The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education. His book is Into the Magic Shop: A neurosurgeon’s Quest to Discover the Mysteries of the Brain and the Secrets of the Heart.” (On Being web site).

Once again, I remind the readers of this blog that it is not my intention to duplicate the fascinating discussion between Ms. Tippett and Dr. Doty. Nor is it my intention to summarize Dr. Doty’s book. I highly recommend the podcast and the book.

While I am fascinated by the brain and how it functions (or does not function at times) my focus today is on the process of healing and growing. Dr. Doty’s spiritual growth was awakened when he was 12 years old and stopped at a magic shop to get an artificial thumb for one of his “tricks”. The mother of the owner happened to be visiting and was minding the shop. She introduced him to the magic of the mind via way of meditation. She explained to him that most people watching magic performances were preoccupied with thoughts of the past or future. Very few were present to what the magician was actually doing. Having grown up in a home with an alcoholic father, the young James Doty could relate to what she was doing and could appreciate the magic of using meditation techniques to be present. This “chance” encounter required this woman and James to show up to meet each other and his willingness to accept the six-week mentorship of this woman. This relationship became an important link to his work as a brain surgeon and a scientist who knows that healing involves both the brain and the emotional/spiritual part of the body.

The second reminder of the miracles of healing and growth arrived in my email box in the form of a Seth Godin blog. Seth’s blogs are, unlike mine, poignantly brief. His blog today includes the reminder that life is not a bucket but a process of “drip by drip” building things – a journey.

Too often we look down the road and want or expect giant steps in the healing process. We also want or expect guarantees of what will lead one from point A to B. This morning a very good young man who is, once again, beginning the process of healing from active drug addiction, texted me to say how bad he is feeling physically. He knows, from prior experience, that if he does not pick up a street drug and follows the direction of the medical team he will soon be physically feeling better. He also knows that thereafter there are a number of steps he will need to take to claim a life of recovery. Recovery is a minute by minute, step by step process.

All of us can, if we carefully examine our lives, identify events which step by step connected to bring us to this point in our life. If we continue seizing these opportunities, we will experience moments when magic happens. I often compare the process of emotional and spiritual growth to learning to play a musical instrument. One practices an instrument day after day after day, but all that one hears is disconnected notes. One day, however, one begins to play and there is music. To me this process always feels like magic. Up until the moment of magic it feels as if the notes will never play with each other to form music. The same is true with regards to building a building, learning a skill, building character, or building a purposeful life. If we are awake, persistent and consistent we will experience magic each time we reach a stage in that process.

Obviously, today I needed to “listen” to Ms. Tippett, Dr. Doty and Seth Godin. As the day progresses I will want to attend; to keep showing up and picking up each building block with which I am presented.

Written November 9, 2018

Vulnerability and masculinity

11/8/2018

Vulnerability and masculinity

I titled this vulnerability and masculinity because I am, as a male, particularly aware of the confusing messages we often give to our male children about what it means to be a strong person who happens to be male. Women deal with a similar issue, although the specifics of the messages may be a little different. In each case, the paradox is that we often learn to discount what makes us strong. My personal experience as a male who happens to be a father, brother, son, nephew, friend, community member and health care professional tells me the following about strength:

Although it can also be a physical ability, the most important strength comes from our heart and the courage to speak our own truth.
It allows for vulnerability. Withholding tears and expressions of empathy use up energy that is then not available to deal with life on life terms.
It is empathetic – identifies with the joy and pain of others – identifies with the other that is us.
It allows one to share the pain of another without taking on their pain.
It accepts our humanness and is willing to own our hurtful behavior and, when possible, make amends.
It allows us to own our pain when it is triggered by behavior of another.

Strength is not:

Assuming responsibility for the problems or issues of others.
Assuming we can control or “fix” others.
Reinforcing the lies that we or others are weak or unable to do the next right thing.
Feeling better about ourselves at the expense of others.
Bullying or putting down others
Hateful or judgmental.
Having more toys – money, houses, cars, the latest gaggets.
Having more external power - political, professional, physical
Having a spouse or partner which proves our worth because of their appearance, status, money or other stuff!
Proving that we are “right”.
Looking “better” – more plastic surgery, more expensive clothes, a good tan, the right hairpiece or whatever else a particular culture associates with looking better.
Assuming that family is necessarily related to biology or marriage.
Being dependent on what “others” think of us or how others define us.
Defining us by the worse of our deeds.
Isolating; does not see everyone as the enemy or “the other” .

As a person who happens to be male, who happens to live in the United States, who happens to be older, who happens to identify as gay, who happens to be human, I must set aside my old beliefs about what it means to claim the strength to be a man of whom I can be proud. How I live my life is the legacy I leave my son and all those whose lives I touch today.

Written November 8, 2018