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Letting go of resentments

11/13/2019

Letting go of resentments

Most of us humans want to think that there is some logic to the trajectory of this life journey. Yet, many days it seems if there is any logic it is an unfair, lopsided logic which rewards bad or unkind behaviors and punishes good behavior. Hence, out of the ashes of this perverse logic arises resentments.   It seems as if a day hardly passes when I or one or more clients, friends or colleagues fail to voice a resentment towards a family member, a colleague, a friend, a company or agency or the God of their understanding.

Resentments are like the mold which can take over the interior of a car. One little spore, if fed by damp air, quickly become thousands of spores until every surface, crack and crevice of the space has been taken over.
Resentments can, likewise, slowly take over every aspect of one’s life. An event or action can begin to overlay every aspect of one’s life. If only the other person(s), agency, company, or the God of one’s understanding would just get their act together one could have the life one wants and deserves. Sadly, one may even hold on to a resentment towards someone who has been dead for many years. Anne Lamott in one of her talks – Plan B-Further Thoughts on Faith – talks about her struggle to let go of resentment about the parenting style of her deceased mother who is now returned to ashes and residing in the back of her closet. It makes no sense that the woman of faith – Anne Lamott – with a very successful career, loving friends, a healthy child, a strong faith and church community and all the blessings which come with her recovery from active addiction should be concerned about the actions of a deceased mother – a mother she admired on many levels. Yet, long past the death of her mother and Anne claiming the good life she deserved resentment of her mother continued to reside in the core of her being. On the surface obviously this made no sense.   There was nothing she needed from her mother. In fact, at some level, she knows that all of her experiences to date including having exactly the mother she had, her addiction and her recovery program all come together to create the life and the career she has. Even if she could change one piece she knew it would change everything. I suspect that most of us “know” this deep within ourselves. Yet, as with Anne Lamott, we continue to find it difficult to let go of our resentment; acting as if the quality of our life would be better if somehow some of those “other humans” were less human than we are.

Of course, it is true that some behaviors are more harmful than others.   It is true that there are those who are unable, for whatever reason, to consider the needs of others or the effect of their behavior on others. It is true that an active addict is unable to focus on how his or her behavior is damaging others. It is true that some people are dangerous and need to be lovingly restrained.   It is true that the mental health profession has a very large book of diagnostic codes detailing the symptoms of various conditions. Yet, the conditions themselves are often symptoms. As we learn more we sometimes know what is causing certain symptoms. For example we now better understand why a person with post-traumatic stress syndrome behaves the way they do.

The key word in the above paragraph is “unable”. Reality is what a person perceives to fit into some categories which they have previously filed in parts of their brain. How the brain interrupts the sounds, sights, smells or tactile sensations is affected by a myriad of factors which then help to determine behavior at any point in time. If one truly accept this fact one will know that the behavior of others is not about them. No one causes another person to behave a certain way. True, one may blame their behavior on another. My friend Dorothy will respond to a threat with a calm, loving voice which almost always calms the other person down. She understand that she does not want to balance the relationship with a threatening response.   Another friend, carries a gun and almost always responds to a threat or a perceived threat with a return threat.

My goal is to:

Do all I can to take care of myself emotionally, physically, nutritionally and spiritually. This increases the chances of my brain functioning in a way which is consistent with my values.
To not to take the behavior of others personally.
To respond to others in a way which is consistent with my core values.
To not blame others or assume I know what is causing their behavior.
To stay humble and accepting of my humanness knowing that something could happen to cause my brain to direct my actions to be hurtful to others.
To not keep score or try to win the “got you” game.
To use my new understanding/knowledge to help me let go of resentments.

Written November 13, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

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Honoring veterans and their families

11/11/2019

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Honoring veterans and their families

As a veteran I am grateful for those who recognize the job which we have done on behalf of the rest of the population. I am also acutely aware that the families of those who serve are often single parents, partners, mothers, dads, siblings, and others. Often they are doing double duty while the service person is away or, if together, packing up, making a new home, and soon packing up again while also tending to all the needs of the children and often extended relatives.

Some have and are serving in combat area or potentially combat area. I have not. Some will come home in a coffin. All will come home with visible and invisible wounds. None will return home untouched by grief which threatens to steal their soul; grief over the loss of friends and others who served with them; grief over the necessity of learning to label and treat other humans as disconnected from one’s own humanness. Anytime we do the latter one has to also let go of a piece of one’s own humanness. We are, after all, tribal being and we can no longer deny that we are part of a larger universe which comprises one tribe.

It seems to me that if we truly want to honor past, present and future service people we will do all we can to avoid creating and labeling each other as enemies. Obviously, this is not easy or humans would have accomplished this task eons ago. Still I suspect the following might be some steps in our thought process which could lead to a less violent world:

Adopting the belief that all people are equally deserving to share in the resources of mother earth.
Acceptance that the god our understanding is no more and no less valid than the God of the understanding of others.
Acceptance that no one owns the earth – soil, vegetation, streams, air and other water resources – but all are merely stewards.
Acceptance that judging, bullying, and threatening others are not conducive to working together.
Refusal to treat guns and other weapons as merchandize on which to make a profit or as a means of achieving global harmony.
Open borders based on European Union model which is in early stages of development and which needs many tweaks.
Practicing honesty, open mindedness and willingness to see with a different lens.
Quit pointing fingers and when we do looking at those pointing back at one. Practicing focusing on one’s own issues.
Focus on cleaning up one’s own house before acting as if one has right to tell others how to clean up their house.

In essence all these are recommendations consistent with what I understand to be the basic teachings of most of the world’s religions and philosophies. They are also consistent with the 12 steps of AA, NA, MA, OA, EA, SA and other 12 step programs.

No war begins in a vacuum. There is a history which precedes gunfire and other violence. There are always prophets who warn us of the dangers of treating any person, community or nation as less than. There are always those who know that an attachment to power, money, things, self-righteousness, or arrogance will ultimately lead to self-destruction. If we want to honor service people – past, present and future - we would do well to listen to these prophets.

Written November 11, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

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Sunday Musings - November 10, 2019

11/10/2019

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Sunday Musings – November 10, 2019
Let’s dance

It has been another week of opportunities to fall into an abyss of hopelessness for the human race.    There is no lack of examples of how cruelly us humans can treat each other and mother nature. Abuse of each other in the forms of wars, hoarding more than we need while others do without, ignoring infrastructure until there is seeming no way we can find the resources to repair and rebuild, and excusing angry insults as if it were acceptable political dialogue.     It is tempting to either ignore these dysfunctional and self-defeating ways of living together or to sink into them and wait for the self-destruction to be complete.

It has also, however, been another week of the hope of resurrection. A friend of mine messaged me this morning saying she had to preach on the subject of resurrection or, in Christian terms, The Resurrection. When Christians speak of resurrection they are invariably talking about the story of the empty tomb; the story of Jesus appearing after his death to promise He was going to prepare a place where one could visit with him eternally.   Christians profess to believe in a literal resurrection from the dead; of Jesus rising from the tomb. Some would suggest that of course no energy can either be created or destroyed; that we all leave energy which will live on in other forms.

When I think of resurrection I think of the example of all those who rise from the ashes of oppression with the courage to not only live but thrive. I think of Bigger Thomas saying in the novel Native Son when the police persons are threatening him saying to them, “You can’t do nothin but kill me and that ain’t nothin.”    I think of Martin Luther King Jr. saying “I have a dream”. I think of Sister Prejean of standing with “Dead Men Walking”. I think of a local Circuit Court Judge, David Sims, saying of course we need to decriminalize (this is not legalization) all drugs and quit treating drug addiction as a criminal problem; we need to treat addiction as the public health problem that it is.   He was speaking of a new program, The Family Treatment Court.

When I think of resurrection I think of all those who find the courage to rise from the depth of the despair of addiction and rise to a new life which often become the light for others to follow.

When I think of resurrection I think of the combat veteran who lives with the terrible grief and often guilt and go on to become leaders in finding a more peaceful way to live.

Resurrection is a living, breathing demonstration of hope; a demonstration that no amount of abuse, of oppression, of being told lies can stop us from having the courage to love and take care of each other; to speak our dance of joy; to speak our dance of grief but to refuse to drown.

The abused person who goes on to create shelters; the addicted person who becomes a sponsor or a counselor; the persons who are shot in a church or a temple who declare “We will forgive. We will not respond to hate with hate.”   These are the reality of resurrection.

Let’s dance.

Written November 10, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

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Who is the parent?

11/7/2019

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Who is the parent?

In an ideal world, prior to becoming a parent, every person would have to pass a test to determine if they were emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and even financially able to care for a child. Finances is probably the least important of these, although I would pray that every parent has the means or access to decent housing, healthy food, health care and a healthy supportive family. As we know one can be relatively poor financially and still provide a safe, loving home. The movie “A Christmas Carol” reminds one that Tiny Tim’s family was far richer than Scrooge.

Of course, it is not an ideal world and many children are born to parents struggling with addiction, untreated mental illness and a long list of unresolved emotional issues from their own childhood. As they become adults, the children will need to shop for and use healing tools if they do not want to keep repeating the often multi-generational issues.

Of course, no parent is perfect and can give their children all the tools they need to design and execute a healthy life dance. As children begin to approach the age of adulthood, ideally they will dump all they have learned about themselves, each other and the world onto a large table and one by one scientifically examine each item. An alcoholic parent may have, for example, convinced the child they were responsible for all the negative situations or events in their family. The child may have “heard”, over and over again and come to believe they are worthless and bad; that the world would have been better off if they were not born. The child may have attempted to be the person that would please their parent only to fail again and again. Eventually the child may develop an anxiety disorder, depression or some other mental illness. Yet, nothing makes their home safe or predictable.

As the adult examines each one of these parent messages, they need to assume the role of an internalized healthy parent who can correct the lies and build a safe, loving home for themselves. If they do not do this they are likely to recreate a home which is similar to the one in which they grew up. They are likely to continue to repeat the lies they learned about themselves, each other and the world and, thus, sabotage any potential happiness. to stay on high alert to be ready for the next disaster, and to dump stored anger on themselves and loved ones.

This process requires some basic tools which one may gather from books, support groups, a therapist, a 12 step group which includes a sponsor, or other wise teachers/mentors. From the sources they will begin to comprise a basic set of truths and guidelines including:

Children do not cause and cannot fix their parent’s unhappiness,. Mental illness, addiction or other issues.
If children have a disease or condition such as autism they are not responsible for their condition or the resultant behavior. They are not bad.
Parents with an illness or a lack of knowledge about how to change their life dance are not bad people or unworthy.
All people deserve love and respect.
All people deserve a home which is physically and emotionally safe; a home in which it is safe to relax.
It is safe and necessary to let go of the sick and/or negative parent one has internalized and whose voice gets confused with one’s own adult voice.
No matter what habits of thinking and behavior one has developed , one can change them. Change is hard work and takes consistent practice of the new habits of thinking and behavior.
If a parent or other person is not healthy enough to treat one with love and respect one needs to set clear boundaries/limits on contact.
The better one takes care of oneself emotionally, nutritionally, spiritually and physically the easier it is to change habits of thinking and behavior.
There is no shame in asking for and receiving assistance from health care professionals.

Written November 7, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

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Starting points

11/6/2019

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Starting points

We begin learning stories from the time we are very young. Some of the stories are clearly presented as fiction or fairy tales. Most of the stories are presented as “the truth” . When one is taught “the truth” that eliminates the possibilities that the story your neighbors learn is “the truth” or even “a truth”. Some of the stories we learn even here in these United States include:

Some cultural groups are more deserving that others.
The male gender is worth more/more valuable than the female gender.
Males and females have essentially different skills, talents and abilities.
Male skills are worth more money.
Those who are more deserving are have more of the wealth.
One “needs” the latest fashion, game, toy, etc.
Intellectual intelligence is more important than emotional or spiritual intelligence.
There is but one true god – the god of one’s understanding.
One’s country is superior to other countries.
One skin pigmentation tells one something important.
Sex is for procreation only or pleasure only.
Children become adult at certain ages regardless of what science is saying about brain development.
One has free will and is always responsible for one’s decisions.
People who attend certain schools are better educated.
Those who memorize a lot of information are smarter than those who are not able to do so.
Life is supposed to be fair.
Biological procreators are the best parents.
Being abused has to determine one’s future.
Only bad people go to jail.
People choose to be addicted to food, alcohol, other drugs, sex, money, power, and possessions.
Creative people are born and not developed or taught
We cannot change our story.

Growth starts with the decision to be open to the possibility that one’s past story does not have to determine one’s future story; that the story one learned and adopted can be changed. This can then lead to a willingness to identify and more honestly and closely examine some of the “truths” which make up one’s story; truths about ourselves, our relationships with each other and our relationship to a larger world.

Sometimes one starts this process with allowing oneself to think about one’s ideal story.   Assuming one does not go off to never, never land, i. e. “My dream is I want to be Prince Harry.” or “I want to be a basketball star even though I am 5’1” and have no talent for sports, one is free to create a story which would make one proud of oneself.

While we are not in charge of external circumstance – war, domestic violence, accidents, illness – we are in charge of how we respond to events.   The core of one’s story is not the details as much as the flexibility and nature of the dance. When those waiting to die in the NAZI camps did not have musical instruments or even pen and paper they created music. Eventually they were given instruments because they were then easier to control while they waiting their turn in the gas chambers. Today we have much of that music which has been recorded by symphony orchestras. When my friend had polio and was in a wheelchair her parents showed her how to live independently which means today she continues to be the captain of her ship

No one has control over our life dance. One can, if not careful however, allow old lies to have control over the dance one creates and allows myself. It is our job to seize and celebrate that power. Keith Maillard, author of Fatherless never knew his father but he found other mentors. Eventually he became a college professor and acclaimed author. His sadness and anger about his missing father did not determine his dance.

We do not have to continue to allow the lies to write our story.   It is our story to create and live. The starting point is identifying and throwing out old lies.

Written November 5 and 6, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
copachpickett.org

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Footprints

11/4/2019

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Footprints

I recall renting an old brownstone house on the North side of Pittsburgh in what in what is referred to as the Mexican War Street area. My partner and I painted footprints on the steps leading to the second floor which included the bathroom and the bedroom in which we slept.   As I looked back the footprints became a daily reminder to be cognizant of the footprints we individually and as a couple had left in the world that day.   Those footprints held memories of all the laughter, love, resentments, shame, hope and joy we had deposited in our life accounts on any given day. My partner and I eventually continued our separate journeys and lost track of each other.   I suspect the painted footsteps have long ago been preserved under new layers of pain or carpet. Perhaps they were sanded away. Yet, the house contains all the imprints of those footsteps left 35 or so years ago.

A couple of nights ago I attended a retirement celebration of the life and work of my friend and colleague Vilja Stein.   I was asked to offer the toast to this woman whose footprints has touched the lives of thousands and perhaps millions. I and others attending this celebration marveled at her journey from Estonia to a refugee camp to the United States to high school, college, medical school, residency, marriage, children, divorce, friendship to being able to help supply medical supplies to other physicians in Estonia when it was still struggling to rebuild following the departure of the Soviets from their land. I also noted that she is and has been a person who has been intent on treating her many patients with the same respect and compassion she has been shown along her journey.   It is easy to forget one’s humble upbringing. It is also easy to feel survivors guilt and to fail to enjoy the blessings which one’s journey have bestowed.   Yet, this remarkable woman has not forgotten or failed to enjoy the blessings of many of the luxuries of life her journey has afforded. This gratitude and generosity of spirit are stamped on each of her footprints.

Her three amazing children have been busy leaving their footprints in California, Massachusetts, and Virginia. Their journey is different than that of their mother’ but they have also left many footprints of compassion, exploration and courage.

I have been blessed with the presence of this teacher, friend, and colleague in my life for some 35 years.

As my teacher she frequently reminds me of my limitations as well as my talents. She challenges me to venture outside the small box I can, at times comfortably rest. In other words she does what all good friends do. She tickles my heart and my mind. She challenges me to grow beyond my comfort zones and she unconditionally loves me as the human that I am.

I would like to think that I do the same for her.

I would also like to think that we each will continue to leave footprints which are rich in color, design and texture.   We are not done leaving such footprints. Although as years suggest we must allow for changes in our journeys. We will continue to paint new steps on the stairway of this life journey. Of course we can only do that with the luxury of the friendships with which we are blessed; with the luxury of the tribe some of whom gathered for the retirement celebration.

Written November 4, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett, LPC, AADC
coachpickett.org

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Sunday Musings - November 3, 2019

11/3/2019

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Sunday Musings – November 3, 2019
Unbecoming

Yesterday I listened to a rebroadcast of the April 19,2018 conversation Krista Tippett had with Angel Kyodo William, Zen priest, author and the second black woman to be recognized as a teacher in the Japanese Zen lineage. I was poignantly reminded that “…from a liberatory standpoint, is to recognize, oh, we’re not trying to become something, we’re trying to un-become. We’re trying to undo ourselves”.

I think, perhaps it was Ram Dass who I first “heard’ talk about the process of unbecoming. He would remind me of the teacher Jesus saying, in essence, if we wanted to grow spiritually (enter the kingdom of God) we would have to become as little children.

Over the years many teachers have reminded me that if we want to grow spiritually we must undo all those lies we have learned about ourselves, each other and the world; we have to drop all the labels by which we humans seek to define ourselves and each other; lies which then separate us from ourselves and each other.

The paradox is that by “undoing” or “letting go” of that substitute for self which is defined by the lies and the labels we reclaim ourselves.

We live in a time and in a nation in which it is increasingly difficult to believe the lies of racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, and of an economic system which is designed to increase the disparity between those who possess a large share of the wealth and those who are now euphemistically called food challenged, housing challenged and health care challenged.   In other words those who are hungry, homeless and without access to health care.

We live in a time and in a nation in which many once again more openly and desperately attempt to prove their worth by the pigment of their skin, their gender, their ability to be a sound business person who gets wealthy on the backs of many other, their ability to treat others as sexual objects or their ability to use power to bully and destroy. This is not new behavior. As is always the case just before growth many of us humans desperately hold on to old fears and delusions.

The good news is that the mirror of these deceptions is shining brighter than ever. The good news is that there are an increasingly large number of people rising from the ashes of all numbing addictive behaviors (alcohol, other drugs, sex, food, power, money and things) to reclaim their humanity. Often it is those who have seen the abyss who will lead the way. Perhaps this is what teachers such as Jesus meant when he said the first shall be last and the last shall be first.

Teachers such as Rev. Williams and many of the guests of podcast hosts such as Krista Tippett, Terry Gross and others have a voice which is inviting all of us to unbecome – to claim the sacredness which is us; to claim the freedom to know what really matters is how well we take care of ourselves and each other.

Teachers are also often those who are using the tools of programs such as the 12 step programs of AA, NA, MA, OA, SA, SAA who are leading the way to unbecoming in order to become.

Written November 3, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

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Forward>>

Letting go of resentments

Honoring veterans and their families

Sunday Musings - November 10, 2019

Who is the parent?

Starting points

Footprints

Sunday Musings - November 3, 2019

Jimmy Pickett is a life student who happens to be a licensed counselor and an addiction counselor. He is a student of Buddhism with a background of Christianity and a Native American heritage.

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