​Who am I?   You Decide.
 
I recall a childhood poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:
 
“There was a little girl”
 
There was a little girl
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.
 
One day she went upstairs
When her parents, unawares,
In the kitchen were occupied with meals.
And she stood upon her head
In her little trundle-bed
And then began hooraving with her heels.
 
Her mother heard the noise,
And she thought it was the boys
A-playing at a combat in the attic.
But when she climbed the stair,
And found Jemima there,
She took and she did spank her most emphatic.
 
(battleby.com)
 
This poem or at least the first part of it popped into my mind last evening. (Isn’t that a common but interesting way of describing some acts of memory?). I was talking with someone who was describing the behavior of a person they are likely to see during the holiday seasons.   This person apparently tries to feel better about herself by being very critical of others. I suspect that this allows her to avoid her own fears and painful issues she feels unable to face. There have been times in the past when she behaves in a kind and loving way. Yet when something happened or someone said something which triggered her fears and/or pain she turned into a different person.  “When she was good she was very, very good and when she was bad she was horrid.”
 
I am sure that we all know people like this.  One never knows whether the very kind and loving person or the very unkind and even vicious person is going to show up.    When any of us behave in this inconsistent manner we can be very hurtful to others.  We are much less likely to be hurtful or dangerous if we are mostly kind and loving and when we are having a difficult time we own it rather than blaming others or pushing them away in a hateful manner.
 
When others are inconsistent in their behavior we are more likely to let down our guard and take anything negative they say to heart.  In other words, we give them the power to decide who we are – whether we are very, very good or horrid.
 
We are often first introduced to the unhealthy person who has stumbled upon bullying as a part of their life dance or even as their primary life dance when we are very young.    If we are lucky enough to grow up in an affirming home with no situations or conditions which lead us to question our self-worth, the first time someone treats us as if we are the bad one and undeserving of love and respect, we are devastated.    Hopefully, we then told a parent and/or some other trusted adults who explained that the behavior of the bully has nothing to do with us.
 
Once we realize what is going on – that we are allowing an unhealthy person to decide our basic worth - to decide if we are good or bad – we may feel pretty silly, but until then we may get angry, very hurt, and have a lot of anxiety about even the thought of having to deal with this person in the future.  After all, one would not go to someone who knows nothing about cars to decide if it is time to get a new car.  Neither would I ask bank president to decide what is going on with me medically.  The bully likewise has no expertise in deciding if I or someone else is worthwhile.  They, bless their hearts, are consumed with surviving the best way they know how or the way which feels safest to them.  They are not able to consider the needs of others or to consider how their behavior affects another.
 
If one has to be around an unhealthy person who is likely to trigger questions about one’s self-worth or even to engage in unhealthy behavior such as spreading lies or even revealing very private information about someone, there are several things one can do.
 

• Be as rested as possible – fill up personal emotional, spiritual, physical and nutritional gas tanks – prior to the meeting.
• Remind self to be aware of posture – when one is giving a bully the power to decide self-worth then one becomes small even if one is 7’ and weighs 300 pounds.
• Remind self that one is not going to give the power to the bully to decide one’s self worth.  If possible arranger to do reality checks with partner or another healthy friend, if needed, when around this bully.  Sometimes a prearranged phrase or word is all that is needed.  Couples often have fun with this
• When possible limit time in same space with this person.
• Refrain from having a in depth conversation with this bully.  Do not allow the bully to set the terms of the interaction, i. e. do not play the dirty dozen with this person.  They will win every time.
• Give thanks that one is blessed with healthier self-care tools.

 
 
Written December 8, 2016
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

​ 
School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 17
The celebration of Kwanzaa
 
Last week the first-grade scholars and I reminded ourselves that in the month of December many different religions and groups celebrate.  It was a good reminder that while we all need to feel good about our traditions and beliefs we also benefit from respecting the traditions and beliefs of others.   When we think, our way is the only way or the true way we dishonor our own traditions and beliefs as well as those of others.
 
Since we last met the scholars and their families have been discussing a relatively new tradition, Kwanzaa,  which was first introduced and celebrated in 1966-1967 in the United States and in other nations of the Western African diaspora in the Americas.  As always I am eager to hear what the young scholars have to. Say.  I hear them arriving now.
 
Me:  Good morning everyone.
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies!
 
Cookies. Cookies!  Cookies!
 
Me: I hear you.   Tara and Sofia please pass out the cookies before everyone starves to death.
 
Tara and Sofia quickly pass out the cookies.
 
Me:  I am eager to hear about Kwanzaa and what you and your families have learned about and from it.  First, let us review some basics. How long is the celebration?
 
Ahmes:  One week Mr. Jim.   December 26 through January 1.  
 
Me:  Who or what does it celebrate.
 
Sam: (reads off a paper she has brought with her).  Diaspora
 
Me:  Diaspora.  Does anyone know what that means?
 
Steve; We looked it up.  It means what my sister and I do when there are chores.
We scatter!
 
Me (Unsuccessfully hiding a smile.)  That is right Steven, but in this instance it means something more.   Africans were often sold and moved from their homeland.   They were sold by their own people or by others.   Later, after the civil war in the United States. millions of them were forced to leave their homes in the South because of how dangerous it was and the fact that they could not take care of their families.  Imagine if we split the room in two and everyone on my left side were taken to another country and not allowed to see their families again.
 
I will write the word on the board.
 
DiASPORA
 
Me:  if we moved this half of the class what all would they be losing?
 
Susie:  Their families.
 
Tara:  All their stuff.
 
Steve:  Their school.
 
Sue:  Their friends.
 
Me:  What if they were sent to a place which had a different language?  They would also lose their language.
 
Sofia:  Everything
 
Ahmes:  Freedom
 
Me:  Very good everyone.    When a group of people lose so much it is important to take back as much as you can.  The celebration of Kwanzaa celebrates a part of what they lost. Each of the seven days they celebrate they take back something they lost.  These are called the seven principles of African Heritage.  Another name for this is Nguzo Saba (originally Nguzu Saba) (Wikipedia)   For example Christians celebrate different times in the life of Jesus leading up to Christmas Day which is a celebration of what?
 
Tommy: The birth in the manger.
 
Me:  Yes, very good Tommy.   The first day Kwanzaa celebrates:
 
(I write on the board.)
 

• Umoja (Unity): To strive for and to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

 
Tara what do you think unity means.
 
Tara:  When we all work together to clean the house or help to fix dinner for Christmas.
 
Me;  Very good Tara.  That is exactly it.  So, before they were taken from their home, they lived in tribes where they lived and worked together.  On the first day, they concentrate on what it means to work together – to help each other.
 
Sam:  Like the group Black Lives Matter.
 
Me:  Excellent.  For some,  Blank Lies Matter is an attempt to work together to make it safer for all African Americans which will make it safer for everyone in our country.
 
Steve:  You always want us to work together and get unhappy when we are not nice to each other.
 
Me;  Yes. When we are not nice to each other we do not get, much done do we.
 
The second day Kwanzaa celebrates:
 

• Kujichagulia (Self-Determination): To define and name ourselves, as well as to create and speak for ourselves.

 
Me:  Does anyone know why this is important.:
 
Tommy: At home, we wrote on the board some of the thing that were taken.  I brought a list:
            Names, what to wear, children, school, land, family,
 
Me:  Very good.  Even after the Civil War in many parts of this country African Americans were not allow to have certain jobs, eat at many restaurants, stay at hotels, or even sit in the same place in churches as white people.  There were laws restricting every part of one’s life.
 
Sam: That would be terrible Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Yes it was Sam.  Remember when we talked about Rosa Parks?  What made her famous?
 
Suzie:  She did not sit where she was supposed to sit on the bus.  Just because she was a different color?
 
Me:  Yes.
 
Steve:  That was mean.
 
Sam:  And stupid
 
Me:  I agree.  Thanks all three of you. I think we have time for one more principle today.  The third principle of Kwanzaa is:
 

• Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility): To build and maintain our community together and make our brothers' and sisters' problems our problems and to solve them together.

 
This is similar to the first one on unity but it also reminds of what?
 
Sofia:  When someone in the class has a problem we all try to help. 
 
Ahmes;  It is the same in our family.  When someone was sick or sad when we were in Egypt everyone came.  Now everyone cannot come but everyone is on the phone. Even their faces are there!
 
Me;  Very good.  We are a team. Families and communities are a team. When one part is missing, nothing works well    If we took a tire off the bus what would happen?
 
Tommy:  It would crash. 
 
Me:   Thanks Tommy.  So, no matter where we are going on the bus and how important it seems if we do not fix the tire we will crash.
 
It seems we are out of time.  Unless someone needs to talk about something else next week we will discuss the last four principles of Kwanzaa.   Sue: Will you hand the pager out to everyone?
 

• Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics): To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together.
• Nia (Purpose): To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.
• Kuumba (Creativity): To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.
• Imani (Faith): To believe with all our hearts in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

 
 
Sue:  Yes, Mr. Jim.
 
Class:  Cookies!
 
Me:  Okay. Sam and Sofia, will you pass out the cookies please?
 
They do so.
 
Me:  Great job everyone.  Have a wonderful week.
 
Ring! Ring!  Ring!
 
Class:  Goodbye Mr. Jim.
 
Written December 7, 2016
 
 
 

​Grandma says:  The hurrier you go the behinder you get
 
Grandma Pickett was a voracious reader. She would often impart wise sayings to us.  You know the kind I mean. There were those which one can easily find on a cross stitch that has been framed and is hanging somewhere in a grandmother’s house or, if one is lucky, is now hanging in your house.  The ones that I have hanging in my house did not come from grandmother.  Of all her many talents, I do not recall that cross stitching was one. The ones that I have did come from grandmothers.  They were just not my grandmother.
 
Since my memory bank has a habit of changing or deleting details, often I am not sure whether Grandmother Pickett gave credit to the author of the catchy reminders or whether she just threw them out as we went about our day.  I am certain that she often, if not always, knew the origin of the quote.  Be that as it may, one of her favorite reminders was “The hurrier you go, the behinder you get.” This is, of course, a quote which is credited to the White Rabbit in the 1865 story which has been read and reread by children and adults in many countries, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (commonly shortened to Alice in Wonderland).  Charles Ludwidge Dodgson wrote this story under the pseudonym Lewis Carroll.  It would seem that many of grandmothers favorite reminders had first been penned by Mr. Dodgson.   It seems long before Grandma Pickett became a school teacher, the characters in Mr. Dodgson’s story had been educating more than just children as Alice inhabited the fantasy world populated by peculiar, anthropomorphic creatures including the rabbit.
 
It seems that Grandmother and the rabbit both thought that if my motor, which seems to have only two speeds – stop and very fast, could be reset to moderate speed I might make fewer mistakes, have fewer accidents and get more done.  Certainly I could not then and cannot  now argue with this wise woman or the rabbit.  It seems my mid-western idea of speed is 75 on a narrow two lane, bi-direction highway. (I was recently in Texas and to my horror, that was indeed the case.)  My head, back, arms, and legs are tattooed with the marks of the top of short basement door frame in my former house, corners of cabinets, edges of car doors, counters in door or in stores which would  deposit their contents on the floor, or anything else which jumped out to deliberately block my important mission which is being timed by the Gods.  On the farm where I was doing chores spilled pails of milk, dropped and broken eggs, and rows which were half weeded attested to the arrogance of the objects which refused to securely travel at the same rate and to stay balanced.
 
Just yesterday I was rushing to put away groceries and the sharp corner of my counter top sprang forth to attack my back.  Imagine!  Well, I certainly told it off in language which would have earned me another stern lecture from Grandmother Pickett.   Of course, I did not then nor would I now have the courage to remind her that she should have been lecturing the counter top!  (I was not stupid.)
 
Still, every time I exceed the speed limit which would be consistent with accomplishing a task in a safe, efficient manner, I hear Grandmother Pickett saying, “The hurrier you go, the behinder you get.”
 
 
Written December 5, 2016
 

​Sunday Musings – A pocket full of stones
 
I feel very blessed after having spent several hours last evening with friends – one very close and one who has been one of those one seldom sees but who quietly and lovingly is there on the periphery of one’s life and occasionally meets one in the center.   The other has been a close and dear friend since we both moved to the Wheeling area to work many years ago.   We three spent time at the holiday show at Phipps Conservatory, ate a lovely dinner at the Whitfield Restaurant located in the Ace Hotel which was formerly a YMCA in the East Liberty section of Pittsburgh, and were entertained by the thought provoking and amazing production of the opera The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat produced by Karla Boos at the Quantum Theatre.  During the drive and dinner, we luxuriated in the exchange of information, thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
 
Sunday morning is my time to reflect on the past week. In addition to  last evening, the blessings this week included:   final closing on sale of Florida villa, resumption of volunteer work with a local treatment program,  a well-attended city council meeting where many community members gathered to respectfully share opinions about a proposed ordinance,  a lovely telephone visit with one of my favorite people, work I enjoy, and First Friday at an art gallery.
 
The week was relatively free of the fear of what is happening politically although I am aware that I need to continue to search for positive ways to continue to express my concerns.
 
I read the editorial page of the local newspaper this morning, The Wheeling Intelligencer.  I was again reminded of our habit of throwing stones so that we might shatter the mirror which is reflected by those we judge.  When I hear the opinions of those who seemingly find it easy to label the deserving and the undeserving, I feel a tightness in my chest; a sense of dread that I will be the next object of such labeling.  This morning two articles caught my attention:  a former police officer accused of having a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old student at a school at which he was a security guard and a man convicted and sentenced to fifty years in prison for sexually abusing two young children.   The same person responded to both stories in a very arrogant, judgmental tone.  Although each story was fairly reported and did not contain that judgmental tone I also did not read/hear a sense of compassion underlying the reporter’s words for either man.   Once again, I wondered if any of us really believes that anyone sits down one morning and prays or hopes for a compulsion or the temporary kidnapping of one’s heart and mind by a sexual urge or desire so strong that one acts in spite of consequences to the child or other person.  I wonder if anyone really believes that any of us are immune to acting in a manner which is harmful to a child or some other person whom we need to treat with love and respect.   Surely not and, yet, often I find that it is easy for us humans to act as if we are immune.   I am again reminded of spiritual teachers who suggest that the person “without sin throw the first stone” or the words of Bryan Stevenson “every person is more than the worst thing they’ve ever done.”  Many other teachers have expressed similar words of wisdom. Perhaps….
 
Written December 4, 2016
 

​Letting go – Expectations and problem solving
 
This is the second visit to the subject of letting go. Well, that is not entirely accurate.  I have previously discussed this subject in connection with my writing on the application of the 12 steps of recovery programs to all issues in one’s life.  
 
This morning I was thinking of how often we view the behavior of someone as something which is about us and, thus, responsible for us having a terrible life. Often we spend a lot of energy blaming them for basically ruining our lives.  Just the other day I had a note from a friend who was blaming an incident which happened thirty or forty years ago for their current mood.  She wanted to talk about what was done to her.   I know all the people involved and I am sure that in this case the behavior was not done to them.  It may  have and obviously did have such an acute affect that many years later this person is still blaming the action of the other person for their current behavior and mood. Furthermore, this person is convinced that they have no choices other than to react to the behavior of others.  I happen to know that this person often processes events in their head in ways which leave them angry, victimized and without any power to have a good life.
 
I receive emails from Nick Ortner, best known for his work in the area of tapping.  Today, in “The Tapping Solution” Mr. Ortner discussed a research study (featured on CNN’s website) that linked children’s behavior in kindergarten  to adult success.  “The new study, featured in the American Journal of Public Health, followed 800 children from kindergarten through their mid-20s in a comprehensive 20-year examination.  The study found that children who were helpful, cooperative, good listeners, and thoughtful towards conflict resolution were statistically more likely to have graduated college and have a full-time job at age 25.  Those who had problems in the above areas were less likely to have finished high school and college, more likely to have substance abuse problems, and even have more run-ins with the law.”
 
My first reaction was duh! What I “heard” when I read this was that when young children are able to process information in a way which leads to healthy problem solving they are likely to continue to do so throughout their life and, thus, to have fewer problems.   This seem axiomatic to me – common sense.   This study confirms that parents, educators, health care professionals and other childcare persons need to focus on early identification of those children who are not adept at problem solving and who then tend to blame other persons, situations or things for their inability to be successful in their relationship with themselves, other people and the world in general.  Often we do not know why some children seem to “naturally” problem solve well, regardless of intelligence quotient (IQ).  
 
Lead meetings of l2-step recovery programs are a good place to hear stories of those who have suffered with active addiction.   Invariably the persons telling their stories report that as young children:
 
·      They felt less then and different in a negative way.
·      They blamed other people, places and things for their unhappiness and lack of success.
·      Instead of problem solving they were angry, depressed and eventually stumbled on ways to numb themselves out so that they did not have to feel or think.
·      They did not do well in school or if they did it did not lead to future success.
·      They often went for years wanting to change their life but did not know how to problem solve.
·      Once they got clean and sober and began to work on their thinking process they began to problem solve in all areas of their lives and to have lives they determined to be more satisfying and successful.
 
What does this tell us?  This tells us that:
 
·      Apparently some children are “natural” problem solvers or their brains develop this skill early in life.
·      Some environmental factors may or may not affect that development although there are many example of children in terrible home situations who function very well.
·      A relatively small number of children have neurological issues which need to be treated.  An even smaller percentage cannot yet be treated.
·      Problem solving skills can be taught when the brain is ready.  Those who study children have long known that if we try to teach a skill before brains are ready that it does not work.  It may be that academic programs that are geared to allow children of the same age to proceed at different paces are more effective rather than assuming that all or even most children develop at same pace. We know from “late bloomers” and those who are successful in recovery programs that many can learn to problem solve.
 
There are also people who are not active addicts who honesty believe that the behavior of other people or circumstances keep them from having a good life.  They are not able to accept that even when behavior is directed at them that it is not about them and cannot prevent them from having a positive life.  There are many stories of people living in terrible conditions with debilitating illness who manage to have a joyful life without denying the issues with which they must deal.
 
If someone deliberately sets out to bully or otherwise hurt one, one does not have to take it personally.  One might suggest that if behavior is directed at one obviously:
 
·      It is personal.
·      One needs to react to or “set the person straight.”
 
Yet, if one thinks about it, one cannot make someone behave a certain way. If a person acts in an unkind or even cruel way one cannot assume responsibility for that action. That person made  a decision based on their understanding or state of mind to act or react in a certain manner.   If one is not responsible for the behavior of another then one cannot allow that behavior to determine how well one lives emotionally and spiritually. For example, if a parent believes that they can beat a child until he or she does well in school or does not act out, one is not causing that parent to beat them.  It may be true, from the perspective of the child, that their behavior is frustrating to the parent but the parent can respond in a number of ways.  Beating is not the only option.  Even when beaten some children will figure out that the beatings are because the parent has issues. 
 
Accepting that the behavior of another person which is directed at one is not about one but affects one is not easy. It is equally difficult to accept that another person or even life is not determining one’s fate.   It certainly seems as if the life of some folks is particularly difficult.  In fact, I just talked to a man (Jay) at the laundromat whose adult daughter and her son live with him. The father of the grandson is in prison for drug addiction.  Jay’s father died three ago and his mother is not in good health. Jay’s wife died of cancer several years ago. This man works a full- time night shift at a factory and then works a second job stuffing ads in newspapers.   When his daughter is working he takes care of the young grandchild.    He gets very little sleep.  Yet he does not talk as if life is out to get him.  He is obviously tired and looks very much older than his 50 years.    I asked him what keeps him going and he replied his grandchild, but obviously he has kept going long before his young grandchild.  He has a total of 11 grandchildren but only one lives with him.    I am awed by this man who is cheerful, friendly and has an overall positive attitude.   He is a positive role model for all of us.  He is obviously a problem solver and does not think life is out to get him.
 
Another person I know who is physically healthy, has a decent income and lives in a nice home is perpetually unhappy and is constantly blaming others for his unhappiness.  When he has an issue which he needs to problem solve he whines and talks as if God or the universe is picking on him.
 
Many people have written about the need to have a positive attitude and in one form or another about the serenity prayer and focusing on problems solving rather than blaming others or circumstances for their unhappy life.  Yet, some seem unable to do that.  If person A deliberately steals from me because they are mad that I am not as poor as them, then that behavior may seem as if it is about me. Yet, although it affects me, it is about the man’s inability to find another way of taking care of himself.   Once someone slugged me because he thought I was having an affair with his crippled wife who had merely asked me to help her get into her locked house.  His behavior resulted in me having a black eye.  Yet, his behavior was not about me.  It was about his inability to deal with his fear that his wife was going to leave him if he kept being verbally abusive.  
 
If we can accept that people who hurt us are problem solving as best as they know how or in a way which seems necessary to them, we can begin to protect ourselves without taking their behavior personally. To not take it personally means that I do not let them define who I am or how I will problem solve.   Their behavior will not keep me from having a good life.
 
Written December 3, 2016
 

​Claiming our sainthood – Steps one to twelve - coming home to self-coming home to the God of our understanding
 
I am writing on Friday December 2, 2016. Physically I am at the laundromat.   Earlier this morning I was at the gym. As any regular reader will guess, I was listening to this week’s podcast of On Being featuring host Krista Tippett having a conversation with one of my long-time mentors, Father James Martin.  Father James Martin who Ms. Tippett reminded us: “has been a member of the Jesuit order, the Society of Jesus, since 1998. He lives in the America House Jesuit Community in midtown Manhattan. He grew up in Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania. And he’s the author of many books including The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything, Jesus: A Pilgrimage, and his new book, Seven Last Words. I spoke with him in 2014.” 
 
It may not be surprising that Father Martin and I share another mentor, Thomas Merton, the Trappist monk.  It happens that Father Martin, a business major who worked for a corporation following graduation from Wharton School of Business, had come home from work one day many years ago, heated up some spaghetti and sat down to watch a PBS documentary on Thomas Merton.  This relationship with Thomas Merton via the documentary and his books such as No Man is an Island literally changed the course of his thinking and, thus, his life.  Father Martin through his books, his loving and patient spiritual guidance and, probably, most of all his humble example of a loving laughing relationship with the God of his understanding has opened the door for many.  Certainly, he continues to open doors for me.
 
As is my custom I have no intention of repeating what the reader can read or listen to for themselves.   The podcast can be downloaded and his books are available at most public libraries or the library of many from whom one might seek spiritual guidance.
 
I do want to focus my attention to a quote by Thomas Merton which Father Martin repeats in this interview.  He says: “As Merton said, for me to be a saint means to be myself.”
 
This is not only an extraordinary statement in its simplicity, but is what I am choosing to call a truth which is so simple that it takes most of us a lifetime to return to that place which Jesus called, becoming as a little child.  Becoming as a child means to me to return to that place where barring very early trauma or neurological conditions we are absolutely delighted to be ourselves.  We take delight in discovering our physical bodies with no shame.  We explore the taste, texture, smell, color, hue and energy of all we encounter.  We have no words of judgments although if we experience pain we withdraw, if possible.   Father Martin would call the phase of spiritual innocence joyful rather than happy.  He distinguishes joy from happiness: “Yeah. I mean, I think that joy is different than happiness. Joy is happiness in God. Joy has an object. Joy is about a relationship. Happiness can be very evanescent, can come one day and leave the next. But joy is a lot deeper than that.”
 
In my mind one does not dissect joy as one sometimes does happiness. It is just that sense that all is right with self and thus, with the God of one’s understanding – with the universe.   
 
The Jesuit Ignatius spiritual retreat guide is designed to lead on to that place of acceptance of self.  So is the 12-step program which is used by many of those recovering from active addiction to alcohol, other drugs, power, money, food, sex or anything which separates one from oneself.  The 12 steps as worded for the Narcotics Anonymous Program is not very different than the wording for versions of the other 12-step programs.   The steps are:
 
1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. 
 
In my mind, all 12 steps are designed to remove those barriers which prevent us from joyfully being us and from connecting to the God of our understanding and the rest of the universe.  Each step peels away one more layer of that which we thought would protect one, but in fact, causes much isolation, loneliness and other pain.  Step-by-step one reclaims that small child who was joyful with self and was eager to explore self and the world. Step-by-step one becomes ready to share this healing process and to receive it from others.  
This is the path to sainthood since sainthood is a state of joyfully unfolding which allows us to use our particular talents to serve others which quite naturally serves the God of one’s understanding.   The Buddhist might call the state of sainthood being fully present.  Other traditions might name the same concept differently.   They all recognize, without all the person made impediments – no matter how bright and shiny they are – we can attain enlightenment, sainthood, the state of embracing joy by coming home to ourselves regardless of particular talents, superficial differences, race, color, cultural background, age, gender, sexual orientation or other social constructs.
 
Written  December 2, 2016
 
 
 
 
 

​Letting go – Expectations and problem solving
 
This is the second visit to the subject of letting go. Well, that is not entirely accurate.  I have previously discussed this subject in connection with my writing on the application of the 12 steps of recovery programs to all issues in one’s life.  
 
This morning I was thinking of how often we view the behavior of someone as something which is about us and, thus, responsible for us having a terrible life. Often we spend a lot of energy blaming them for basically ruining our lives.  Just the other day I had a note from a friend who was blaming an incident which happened thirty or forty years ago for their current mood.  She wanted to talk about what was done to her.   I know all the people involved and I am sure that in this case the behavior was not done to them.  It may  have and obviously did have such an acute affect that many years later this person is still blaming the action of the other person for their current behavior and mood. Furthermore, this person is convinced that they have no choices other than to react to the behavior of others.  I happen to know that this person often processes events in their head in ways which leave them angry, victimized and without any power to have a good life.
 
I receive emails from Nick Ortner, best known for his work in the area of tapping.  Today, in “The Tapping Solution” Mr. Ortner discussed a research study (featured on CNN’s website) that linked children’s behavior in kindergarten  to adult success.  “The new study, featured in the American Journal of Public Health, followed 800 children from kindergarten through their mid-20s in a comprehensive 20-year examination.  The study found that children who were helpful, cooperative, good listeners, and thoughtful towards conflict resolution were statistically more likely to have graduated college and have a full-time job at age 25.  Those who had problems in the above areas were less likely to have finished high school and college, more likely to have substance abuse problems, and even have more run-ins with the law.”
 
My first reaction was duh! What I “heard” when I read this was that when young children are able to process information in a way which leads to healthy problem solving they are likely to continue to do so throughout their life and, thus, to have fewer problems.   This seem axiomatic to me – common sense.   This study confirms that parents, educators, health care professionals and other childcare persons need to focus on early identification of those children who are not adept at problem solving and who then tend to blame other persons, situations or things for their inability to be successful in their relationship with themselves, other people and the world in general.  Often we do not know why some children seem to “naturally” problem solve well, regardless of intelligence quotient (IQ).  
 
Lead meetings of l2-step recovery programs are a good place to hear stories of those who have suffered with active addiction.   Invariably the persons telling their stories report that as young children:
 
·      They felt less then and different in a negative way.
·      They blamed other people, places and things for their unhappiness and lack of success.
·      Instead of problem solving they were angry, depressed and eventually stumbled on ways to numb themselves out so that they did not have to feel or think.
·      They did not do well in school or if they did it did not lead to future success.
·      They often went for years wanting to change their life but did not know how to problem solve.
·      Once they got clean and sober and began to work on their thinking process they began to problem solve in all areas of their lives and to have lives they determined to be more satisfying and successful.
 
What does this tell us?  This tells us that:
 
·      Apparently some children are “natural” problem solvers or their brains develop this skill early in life.
·      Some environmental factors may or may not affect that development although there are many example of children in terrible home situations who function very well.
·      A relatively small number of children have neurological issues which need to be treated.  An even smaller percentage cannot yet be treated.
·      Problem solving skills can be taught when the brain is ready.  Those who study children have long known that if we try to teach a skill before brains are ready that it does not work.  It may be that academic programs that are geared to allow children of the same age to proceed at different paces are more effective rather than assuming that all or even most children develop at same pace. We know from “late bloomers” and those who are successful in recovery programs that many can learn to problem solve.
 
There are also people who are not active addicts who honesty believe that the behavior of other people or circumstances keep them from having a good life.  They are not able to accept that even when behavior is directed at them that it is not about them and cannot prevent them from having a positive life.  There are many stories of people living in terrible conditions with debilitating illness who manage to have a joyful life without denying the issues with which they must deal.
 
If someone deliberately sets out to bully or otherwise hurt one, one does not have to take it personally.  One might suggest that if behavior is directed at one obviously:
 
·      It is personal.
·      One needs to react to or “set the person straight.”
 
Yet, if one thinks about it, one cannot make someone behave a certain way. If a person acts in an unkind or even cruel way one cannot assume responsibility for that action. That person made  a decision based on their understanding or state of mind to act or react in a certain manner.   If one is not responsible for the behavior of another then one cannot allow that behavior to determine how well one lives emotionally and spiritually. For example, if a parent believes that they can beat a child until he or she does well in school or does not act out, one is not causing that parent to beat them.  It may be true, from the perspective of the child, that their behavior is frustrating to the parent but the parent can respond in a number of ways.  Beating is not the only option.  Even when beaten some children will figure out that the beatings are because the parent has issues. 
 
Accepting that the behavior of another person which is directed at one is not about one but affects one is not easy. It is equally difficult to accept that another person or even life is not determining one’s fate.   It certainly seems as if the life of some folks is particularly difficult.  In fact, I just talked to a man (Jay) at the laundromat whose adult daughter and her son live with him. The father of the grandson is in prison for drug addiction.  Jay’s father died three ago and his mother is not in good health. Jay’s wife died of cancer several years ago. This man works a full- time night shift at a factory and then works a second job stuffing ads in newspapers.   When his daughter is working he takes care of the young grandchild.    He gets very little sleep.  Yet he does not talk as if life is out to get him.  He is obviously tired and looks very much older than his 50 years.    I asked him what keeps him going and he replied his grandchild, but obviously he has kept going long before his young grandchild.  He has a total of 11 grandchildren but only one lives with him.    I am awed by this man who is cheerful, friendly and has an overall positive attitude.   He is a positive role model for all of us.  He is obviously a problem solver and does not think life is out to get him.
 
Another person I know who is physically healthy, has a decent income and lives in a nice home is perpetually unhappy and is constantly blaming others for his unhappiness.  When he has an issue which he needs to problem solve he whines and talks as if God or the universe is picking on him.
 
Many people have written about the need to have a positive attitude and in one form or another about the serenity prayer and focusing on problems solving rather than blaming others or circumstances for their unhappy life.  Yet, some seem unable to do that.  If person A deliberately steals from me because they are mad that I am not as poor as them, then that behavior may seem as if it is about me. Yet, although it affects me, it is about the man’s inability to find another way of taking care of himself.   Once someone slugged me because he thought I was having an affair with his crippled wife who had merely asked me to help her get into her locked house.  His behavior resulted in me having a black eye.  Yet, his behavior was not about me.  It was about his inability to deal with his fear that his wife was going to leave him if he kept being verbally abusive.  
 
If we can accept that people who hurt us are problem solving as best as they know how or in a way which seems necessary to them, we can begin to protect ourselves without taking their behavior personally. To not take it personally means that I do not let them define who I am or how I will problem solve.   Their behavior will not keep me from having a good life.
 
Written December 3, 2016
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 16
December holidays
 
These first-grade scholars are still young enough to get excited about holidays and yet, are exceptionally curious about the holidays and traditions of others.   I think all of these young scholars have some awareness that different families have different traditions although they may have very little knowledge of other religious and/or cultural holidays.  I have listed the following on the Board for the class:
 
·      Christian 
o   Advent beginning November 27 this year
o   Christmas – December 25
·      Baha’i –  None in December
·      Buddhist – December 8 – Bodhi Day
·      Hindu – None in December –
o   January 14 – Makar Sandranti/Pongal
·      Jewish – December 25-January 1 – Hanukkah
·      Muslim – December 12 – Mawlid an Nabi
·      Pagan – December 22 – Winter Solstice
·      Shinto – No celebrations or rituals in December
·      Sikh – No celebrations or rituals in December
·      African Kwanzaa – December 26 – January 1
 
The assignment to the class was to discuss with their families how we can celebrate and honor our holidays and still respect the traditions and beliefs of others.  I am eager to hear what these scholars have to say.  I hear them coming now.
 
Me:  Good morning class.
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies?
 
Me:  No cookies today but I will try to make time to bake some before we meet next week.
 
(Collective sigh.)
 
Me:  There are many different ways of celebrating.   I have written on the board what some of the religions and traditions celebrate in December.  As you will see not of them have celebrations in December.   The timing of our winter school break is usually based on the Christian calendar and traditions.
I am eager to hear what you and you families think about enjoying your holiday but also respecting what others do to celebrate.
 
Tara:  Our family celebrates Christmas and the birth of the baby Jesus, but my mom works with a lot of people who do not celebrate Christmas.   We have a party at our house next week. (She starts reading off a card she has brought with her.) Everyone brings food from their country to share with each other.  Often families will share about their holiday At Christmas it is just my parents and the children. We go to church and then spend the day with my grandparents.  We have also each picked a name off the tree at the homeless shelter and are shopping for gifts. Everyone in the family has a gift budget of $50.00.  The gifts we buy for our child is taken out of that $50.00.  What is left is given to the family member whose name you have to get them a gift. 
 
Me:  Wow. That is wonderful.  So, Tara, if you spend $40.00 of your $50.00 on your child you have $10.00 left to get a gift?
 
Tara:  Yes.  Sometimes it is difficult finding a gift for $10.00.  Grandma and Grandpa buy us gifts too.
 
Me:  How about other families?
 
Sam:  Uncle Jim, you know that all the neighbors come over to our house.   Our neighbors are from everywhere. Paul says we have the whole box of crayons when all the neighbors come over.
 
Me:  You mean that they are all different colors and shades,
 
Sam: Yes, black, brown, white and in between. Even yellow kinda!
 
Me:  What happens on Christmas day at your house?  
Sam:  Usually we go to Ohio to grandma and grandpa’s.   They have all my favorite food.
 
Ahmes:  We are from Egypt and are Muslim. Soon we will have a birthday party for the prophet. We call it Mawlid an Nabi. We have sort of Christmas decorations in our home.  We also go to mosque.  In Egypt, the streets are decorated. It is fun.
 
Steve:  Does Jesus get mad if everyone does not celebrate his birthday?
 
Me:  Good question Steve.  What do your parents say?
 
Steve: They told me to ask you
 
Me: Oh!  Okay.  I do not think that Jesus, the prophet or anyone gets mad.  I think we have to think of God or Jesus in a way that we are used to. I know some people think differently than I do.
 
Sophia:  My Aunt is a Bud.   Oh a ….
 
Me:  A Buddhist?
 
Sophia: Yes.  They are having a party soon.
 
Me:  The Buddhist celebrate Bodhi day as the day that the Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, got smart. Some call getting smart by a big word – enlightenment.  Here I will write it on the board.
 
Sophia:  When I get an A will there be a holiday for me?
 
Me:  Well, yes, when we do well in class we do have a little party don’t we?
 
Susie:  More cookies?
 
Me:  Yes.  More cookies.  Goodness you scholars have done well.  It sounds like most of you and your families are trying to appreciate your own and other traditions.  We all have parties of some sort and we all try to take care of each other.   Are we saying that it is okay to celebrate our way and to not try to make others celebrate the same?
 
Class:  Yes, Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  I will bring cookies next week.  How about we continue this talk and talk about Kwanzaa.  Talk with your families about this and see what you can find out.   Steve and Tara, will you hand out the papers please.
 
(Steve and Tara hand out the assignment.)
 
Great job.   Have a good week everyone?
 
Ring!  Ring! Ring!  
 
Written November 30, 2016
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 8 – Week 16
8th grade concerns
 
This week I will tell the class that Mrs. Stanton will meet with them sometimes this week to review the Facebook page with them.  Once that is set up she will take it to the committee of the School Board and if they are okay with it, will post the introduction to the page and the letter they wrote to their Congresspersons about what action they would like to see taken or at least discussed regarding the high cost of much medication in the United States.  Today they are to bring at least one issue and one positive suggestion or question they would like to see posted on their Facebook page.
 
Here comes the class now.  I am eager to hear what they have to say.
 
Me: Good morning class.
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies?
 
Me:  No, we had cookies last week. If time permits I will bake more before we meet next week.   
 
(Collective sigh!)
 
Me:  I am eager to hear you share the issues and suggestions you have to post on the Facebook page.
 
Abdul:  My family and I were talking and we would like to see (he picks up a paper from which he reads) both the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Government Affairs and the House Committee on Homeland Security ask all agencies which track terrorist threats and actions to provide them both the number and percentage of citizens and immigrants who have committed or threatened to commit terrorist actions in the United States since 9/11/2001. Then we would like to see that information made public.  We have heard that the number of non-citizens who have made or carried out terrorist threats within the United States is very small.
 
Me:  That would make a very interesting study.  I assume you and your family are hoping that policy makers would use this information to make decisions.
 
Abdul: Yes, my family and I are fearful that emotions are likely to make decisions.
 
Me: Who else?
 
Paul:  My mom was saying that the one of the new hospitals in another city grows its own vegetables and herbs and also teaches nutrition classes as well as gardening classes.  We were talking about the benefits to the environment and health.  Some communities share a greenhouse and outdoor garden area.
 
(Paul picks up a piece of paper and reads.)  There were 110 healthcare-based gardens, with 39 in the Midwest, 25 in the South, 24 in the Northeast, and 22 in the West. Compared to US population averages, communities served by healthcare-based gardens had similar demographic characteristics, but significantly lower rates of obesity (27% versus 34%, P < .001). (Preventive Medicine Reports, volume 2, 2015, pp 35-39 – sciencedirect.com)
 
Dad said these gardens also then save on transportation costs which then decreases toxic emissions.
 
Me: Wow Paul!  That is impressive. That seems like really good information to want to pass along to others. 
 
Who else has concerns?
 
Ann:  My mom and I visited a school which has a childcare center for children of students. The had a full-time staff person who was also certified to teach parenting classes to students.   We found some studies from the 1900s which indicated that the children of high school students in school-based centers were healthier and the parents were healthier. They also tended not to have more children.  We were wandering why they could not be expanded to take care of the children of teachers and another staff.  We could not find any programs which included all those children. Wouldn’t the teachers be off work less if they had a safe, good place to put their children?
 
Me: That is an awesome idea. I am not sure why it is not being done but certainly a lot of people talk about needing more child care  
Ann: (She looks down to read from the card she has.)  My Aunt Elma and my Uncle Bill pay $1200.00 a month for two small children. They said the average cost in 2015 was $11.00 to $35.00 a day.
 
Will:  At our house we have been experimenting with unplugged days.  Now it is just Sunday but we are talking about having an unplugged time every day.  This would mean that our homework was done. When grandma was sick we kept one phone on just for her.  Mom set up a special ring so that we would know it was her.  There is a lot written on this subject already but not sure much of it is coming from 8th graders or even high school students.  Our family plays board games if weather is not nice for getting out but if weather is decent we go outside. Sometimes we go to a museum or to see an art exhibit.
 
Me: That is great Will.  I think that would be a great topic for you and our classmates to address on your Facebook page.
 
I am very impressed.  Goodness, we are running out of time.  Keep thinking about issues you might like to address on the face book page and bring them to the attention of Ms. Sanford.
 
I was thinking that next week we could talk about what the phrase “American Dream” means to you and how that differs from what it might have meant to your parents when they were your age.
 
 
Written November 29, 2016