​The Wise Men Cometh Not
 
Ah, tis the season to celebrate family – families of origin and chosen families.  Tis also the season to, as Charles Dickens reminds us, to visit Christmas past. 
 
It is December 19, 1964.  Beverly and I are to be married in the historic National Presbyterian Church in downtown Washington, D. C. which was then a magnificent stone building near DuPont Circle.  
 
Wait. ‘Twas the night before the wedding.  Soon to be in-laws have arrived from Pittsburgh.  My best man, cousin and his wife, have arrived from Baltimore.  Everyone is on their best behavior despite some misgivings about this soon to be marriage.   
 
The Church is richly decorated with trees and many poinsettias.  The Church family is preparing food for a reception following the marriage ceremony.  The Reverend Edward Elson, then Chaplain of the Senate and senior pastor, and The Reverend Thomas Stone lead us through the rehearsal. Even the wise men are present.
 
Sadly, the wise men decided that they were a bit weary – perhaps they drank too much wine at the rehearsal dinner and were soon dreaming about sugar plums or whatever wise men dream about at that time of year.  I say sadly because as my cousin, his wife, and I were heading back to Baltimore a drunk driver ran a stop sign, grabbed our car and arduously snacked a kiss pushing the side of the car on which I was riding nearly to the center.  As with the frenzied mating of some species of marsupials, there is a death except it is not the sexual aggressor who dies.  It is the car – the recipient of the arduous assault.    Surely this was a sign from God!  This marriage is not meant to be.   It is after 1:00 a.m. and we now have no car to get to my cousin’s house or back to the marriage ceremony.
 
Not too worry. After all the wise men slept.  A car was found and with headaches, many bruises and sore places we got ourselves dressed and to the church the next morning.   The wedding would take place.
 
My car was intact since I had left it for my new in-laws to use.  Following the wedding the car takes us to the festive traditions of Williamsburg.   Actually, the traditions are festive but we are not. The groom has an agonizing headache owing to no sleep, the wreck, and the sure knowledge that this is probably not the best way to finally put an end to his virginity.   I do not recommend virginity at age 24.  At age 16 hormones can lead to stupidity.  At age 24 they are raging and if God demands a marriage to end the existential angst – to say nothing of the blue b…. s – then marriage it will be.
 
Alas the wedding night ends with “I have a headache.  Leave me alone.” This was not the bride. It was the new exhausted, sore, non-functioning bridegroom.   
 
Clearly the wise men had not done their job. This was the first of many nights of headaches.  But wait!  Perhaps the wise men were not, after all, always  asleep.  There is the matter of our magnificent son. Apparently, there was a brief respite from the existential angst.
 
Christmas has forever more been a time to search for the wise men.  Since I am an eternal optimist I expect to one day find them in the hallowed halls which house a local 12-step meeting. There they will be making amends for their alcoholic, non-action stupor in 1964!  Or not!
 
 
Written December 19, 2016
 

​Sunday musings – Loving one’s enemy?
 
The past two days I have, not surprisingly to any regular reader of this blog, been listening to this week’s podcast of On Being. This week was a rebroadcast of a conversation Krista Tippett had on January 1, 2015 with Robert Thurman and Sharon Salzberg. The conversation was entitled “Meeting Our Enemies and Our Suffering.”   For those who are not familiar with Mr. Thurman and Ms. Salzberg, Mrs. Tippett tells us:
 
“Robert Thurman is professor of Indo-Tibetan Buddhist Studies at Columbia University. He’s also the president of the Tibet House U.S. He is the co-author of Love Your Enemies. His other books include Infinite Life: Awakening to Bliss Within and Inner Revolution.
 
Sharon Salzberg is a meditation teacher and the cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts. She is the co-author of Love Your Enemies. Her other books include Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation, and Real Happiness at Work: Meditations for Accomplishment, Achievement, and Peace.”
 
There are many topics which these two wise and thoughtful individuals bring up which are worthy of one’s attention but today I am particularly focused on one of the topics on which they focus.
 
In the ensuing conversation, which I highly recommend that the reader listen to or read online, Mr.  Thurman and Ms. Salzberg discuss the advice or command of Jesus (depending how a particular person hears this) and that of Buddha to love one’s enemy.  Mr.  Thurman reminds the listener “Most prominently in our memory, although Buddha used the same phrase actually in a slightly different phrasing. Buddha said that hatred will never come to an end by hatred. Only love can overcome hatred is what he said. Although usually in that tradition, the Burmese or Theravada tradition, the Buddhists have a midway station where they talk about hatred and the next step is non-hatred. Then once you got non-hatred going, you can move over toward love and compassion. [laughs]”
 
As I have thought about this over the past several days I am aware that although I have written extensively on this subject, I have never stopped to seriously ponder the question of who or what constitutes an enemy.   Merrian-Webester.com gives the brief definition of enemy as:
 
·      One that is antagonistic to another; especially one seeking to insure, overthrow, or confound an opponent.
·      Something harmful or deadly >alcohol was his greatest enemy.>
·      A military adversary.
·      A hostile unit or force.
 
What these brief definitions do not address is the question of whether both parties have to define or accept someone as an enemy for the label to apply.   I am perfectly aware that there are a number of people who consider me, if not an enemy, someone that they cannot trust and, thus, someone to be avoided.  In all cases I have engaged in behavior – by commission or omission – which lead to this state of distrust. The behavior may have been directed against my own body in which case I became “my worst enemy.”  Certainly, my former attachment to nicotine and smoking cigarettes treated my body as an enemy.   In other cases, I have over a long period of time neglected a relationship, said something hurtful, shared a confidence which the person experienced as a violation of a sacred trust, said something which was misunderstood and not even close to what I intended, or I have in some other way behaved in a way which was experienced as antithetical or antagonistic to what was understood to be terms of the friendship contract.  In other words, I am now the opposite of a friend.  Some of those people who have now “unfriended” me (to use a common Facebook term) consider a close relationship as emotionally or otherwise dangerous (I am not physically large enough to be considered a physical danger to anyone).
 
(Etynomline.com (Online Etymology Dictionary) reminds one that the Latin origin of the word enemy is “unfriend.”) 
 
At any rate, many people consider me an enemy even if they do not use that word to now describe me in relationship to them.
 
Yet, I cannot think of one person among that group – living or dead – who I would label an enemy.  Certainly, there are people with whom I feel unable to be present in a loving manner.   There are those who have a condition such as an addiction to a drug or another neurological condition who I cannot trust to treat me in a loving manner.  There are those who are convinced that I am not a person to be trusted and wish me harm.  There are others who do not actively wish me harm but who believe I will cause them harm emotionally or with a word. There are those who are convinced that I might say something in court (often I have testified as an expert witness) who consider me dangerous to their future freedom. I know to avoid putting myself in the presence of some of these people or attempting closeness with them.
 
Yet, I cannot identify any emotion toward any of these people which would lead me to use the word hate or to say that they are my enemy. I would certainly say that they are unavailable for friendship but if placed in a position which I could offer them practical help – food, clothing, shelter – I would gladly offer to share what I have.   This is not magnanimous of me.  It is simply a realization that the person is ill, suffering, or unable, for whatever reason, to accept that I am not to be trusted.
 
Perhaps I am saying that, at the very least, I am able, as the Buddhist would say, to be in a state of non-hate.  I would like to think that I have moved to the next stage of loving those who define me as an enemy.  I am not sure that I can say that I am ready to love my enemies because I am unable to identify anyone I consider an enemy.   I know, as I have indicated, lots of people who, rightly or wrongly, feel hurt or threatened by me, but no one I feel fearful of.
 
I am again reminded of the main character in Richard Wright’s book, Native Son, who says to the threatening police persons, “There ain't nothing you can do except kill me and that ain’t nothing.”  Perhaps because I am 76 years of age and have lived first with a diagnosis of terminal AIDS and then with just a positive HIV diagnosis that I know life is very short and, thus, not much matters.  I am committed to practicing not giving anyone the power to make me hate.  Notice that I said practicing.  I may be deluding self and I do know I have moments of anger, but I cannot now think of anyone I am willing to hate. Perhaps I am willing to say that I hate some conditions such as bipolar depressive illness, addiction or cancer.   Perhaps I am willing to say that I hate to see others suffer.  Yet, I also know that illness and many forms of suffering are just stops on the way to spiritual growth.  
 
I will commit to being more aware of my thoughts to see if indeed I am being honest about not having enemies or not being willing/able to label others as enemies.
 
Written December 18, 2016
 

​Letting go of powerlessness of being a child
 
I have often written about what I think Jesus meant when he said:  “Unless you become as little children you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3)  My understanding of this teaching concerns our willingness to look at  the world and situations with the fresh, open eyes of children who have yet to learn to adopt the narrow  experience of we adults. Children expect and often experience miracles.  Young children without neurological conditions are able to be excited about discovering and are very comfortable just being themselves. By the time most of us are very old we have learned many lies about ourselves and the world.  The adoption of these lies will prevent us from having the adult life we want and deserve. 
 
On the other hand, many of us wait our entire life for the parent we wanted and needed as a child.   The lucky children have parents who love them unconditionally.  If this is  the case, the healthy child will retain a positive sense of themselves while also learning what dangers to avoid. The more a child internalizes this positive sense of self, the more he or she is able to continue their life journey without being dependent on others to affirm them.  Of course, no matter how healthy we are, all of us function better if we have the loving support of others. 
 
Sadly there are those who have parents or parent surrogates who are not able to give the child unconditional love.  When that happens one of two things will happen:
 
·      The child will somehow “know” that they are good enough and worth love no matter how their parents behave.  (Perhaps this is what is primarily meant by being an ‘old soul.’)
·      The child will continue to wait for the parent or parent surrogate to give them the unconditional love they want and deserve.
 
Most of us have known those children who, seemingly from birth, are going to be okay emotionally.  They seem to “know” that if their parents or parent surrogates do not love unconditionally it has nothing to do with them.  They somehow understand that their parent has an illness or, for other reasons, just does not have love to give.  Sonia Sotomayor the Supreme Court Justice may be one of those people. Her alcoholic father had little to give emotionally and her mother was often at work. Sonia took care of her younger brother, learned by age 8 to give herself shots for diabetes, and to accept the love of extended family members.  Maya Angelou took a little longer to fully internalize the same positive identity but she became a wise, loving woman who often took care of others and left a rich legacy.
 
There are those, however, who believe they can only proceed on their life journey if they get unconditional positive regard from a primary parent or parent surrogate.   As a counselor it has often been my experience to work for/with those individuals who at age 20, 30, 50 and even 70 and 80 are waiting for their primary parent or parent surrogate to give them something that they do not have.   As I have previously said, this is acting like the person who decides that they can only buy a car from the Convenience Store.  So every day they go to the Convenience Store and ask  to buy a car. The clerk tells them that they do not carry cars.  The next day the same interaction occurs.  They can do this every day for the next 70 years and the convenience store still does not sell cars.  There is nothing wrong with the convenience store but they only carry certain products.  
 
The same is true of parents or parent substitutes.   Some may have parenthood thrust upon them.  Some can make a conscious decision to try to become a parent either biologically or through foster care, adoption or some other method.  Yet, wanting or agreeing to be a parent does not ensure that the person can provide a child with unconditional positive regard. They may or may not do fine with the practical issues of providing food, clothing, a safe warm house, and an education but they are not able to provide the emotional support a child needs to survive and thrive.  They are not bad people. They just do not have it to give. (It is not my intention in this brief blog to engage in a philosophical argument about whether some people are bad or evil.)  Yet, the children of some of these parents are convinced that they can only move on with their lives if their parent or parent surrogates gives them what they do not have. The fact that many of these children may receive unconditional love from others does not seem to matter.  For some, love only counts towards positive self-esteem if it comes from the parent and parent surrogate.
 
Unless one’s belief system assumes that all humans choose  their life situation before they are born, who one gets as a parent is a crap shoot.  The only requirement for being a biological parent is that a sperm and an egg have a date and successfully merge. There is no requirement that they be emotionally or spiritually healthy.  They simply may or may not have unconditional love or otherwise positive parenting skills.  
 
We need to teach children from a very early age that part of emotional maturity is to  become a healthy parent to oneself.  All children and adults must learn it is their job to give that unconditional love to themselves. Once the person accepts this is the case then the process of becoming emotionally independent of one’s parents or parent surrogates is quite simple  - not necessarily easy but simple.  If one gives oneself unconditional positive messages while accepting responsibility for past actions then one can begin to do what one needs to do to have a good life.  If, however, one continues to wait for a parent or parent surrogate to give one what one does not have then one is going to be miserably disappointed.
 
No matter what our background or who our parents or parent surrogates are, waiting for them to heal is futile.   Even if it occurs, which is doubtful, it is our job, once we become adults, to complete the emotional parenting job. It is also up to us to find a way a way to get an education, earn a living and make other positive decisions.  I am not saying that one can have anything else one wants.  Obviously, money, talent and other factors may limit what we are able to accomplish.  Still, it has been my experience that the person who is willing to emotionally parent themselves can have a rich emotional and spiritual life.  One cannot go back in time and  relive the past or rebuild all the bridges one has burnt, but one can have a good life.  
 
As in the  Charles Dickens play “A Christmas Carol”  despite hardships one can have the life of Bob Cratchit and reject the life of Ebenezer Scrooge.  If indeed the Ebenezer Scrooge has a healing and helps one that is great but the Cratchits did not make that a condition of their having a life of loving relationships.  To be sure, they had heartache as do all individuals, but they also had a lot of joy.  
 
Time and time again I have seen individuals give themselves an unconditionally loving parent (the internal parenting voice which may duplicate the parent(s) of one’s youth)  and claim a good life.  This then allowed them the ability to not only love themselves unconditionally but to love others, including the parent or parent surrogates unconditionally. If we no longer need that parent or parent surrogate to validate our worth we can love them as the humans who did the best they knew how. Giving others what we want is a powerful use of our adult power.
 
The irony is, of course, that while we are waiting for someone else to give what they do not have, we are putting conditions on our love and, thus, not practicing the behavior we want others to practice.   This is our real power of course – behaving in a way which is consistent with how we want the world to function.  In many respects this does change the world although it may not heal our parents or parent surrogates.
 
Written December 16, 2016

​Who am I without humility
 
Today I went to the social security office to ask some questions regarding my Medicare Part B benefits for which I am being charged a significant penalty every month because I did not sign for it when I originally signed up for Medicare.
 
My point without subjecting the reader to the details regarding the conversation is that it was one of those conversations which robots posing as humans often have with each other. When one or both people fail to show up for a conversation it is just two robots taking past each other.   Perhaps in this case there is something else I could have done to let this person know I saw her as a human being who also has a job to do.  I have no idea what else I could have done, but sometimes I miss the obvious.  I know that when I have a non-conversation which is masquerading as an interaction between two humans, I end up feeling disconnected, lonely and confused.    I have no idea if this woman was prepared to have a conservation. Perhaps her mind was on a sick child or grandchild. Perhaps her husband or partner is in the hospital. Perhaps she herself had just learned that she has cancer.  I have no idea because she did not share and gave me the impression that she did not have time for a relationship conversation. This was, after all, business. Sadly, this has been my experience every time I have gone to the social security office and often when dealing with the staff of other organizations. I hope that most of the time I am very intentional about focusing on the relationship while incidentally doing a task.  When I allow the task to become primary I almost always feel empty and sad.
 
I just had a note from a friend who said that he and his family had gone holiday shopping last night, but really they “were more just spending time with each other.”  This man, a severely wounded veteran is very aware that we only have today or this moment to be with each other.
 
The word humility came to mind when I was thinking about how I felt following the time at the Social Security Office which is always different than the experience my friend is describing with his family.   Why humility one might reasonably ask?  If one looks up the etiology the word one finds on oxforddictionary.com:
 
         Humility.  Noun…an act of genuine humility. Word Origin, Middle English: from old French huilite, from Latin humilitas, from humilis “low, lowly’, from humus ‘ground’.”
 
When we think of humility most of us think of the concept of grounded or solid, but then one must ask, “Grounded in what? Solid in what way?”   To me it means that I am okay with me. I do not need to prove to myself or to another person that I am more or less than I am. I am this human being who can be many things. I often make mistakes. I have some talents but so does everyone else.  If you meet me I do not need to impress you with a title, degrees, position, money or power.  If you  come to me for some service I know that you are first a person.  If you are having a problem or dealing with a condition or illness you are not defined by that problem, condition or illness. I am not defined by whatever position, condition or illness I have. I am first and foremost a human being and that is enough.
 
Without the self-assurance which allows for humility – meeting someone as an equally important/worthwhile human – humans will continue to pass each other as if they are two ships passing in the night without seeing each other.  Often that happens in families, the community, the workplace, and in the day-to-day meetings in other settings.
 
Without humility, we are all robots performing a function. It is like playing the right notes on the sheet music for Chopin’s Piano Concerto I, but without emotion or any sense of timing. It is just notes which is without life.
 
In fact, one might say that we do not exist as a breathing, emotional person without humility. 
 
In this period of history, we continue to discover that robots can perform many of the functions which were formerly performed by men and women. This either frees those former factory workers to discover skills and talents which the mechanical job did not allow them to discover or it leaves them feeling as if they are even less important or worthwhile than a machine.   Their worth may be tied to doing a particular job and bringing home a paycheck.  If they do not know they can do other work with a sense of pride and purpose then they may get very depressed, defensive, anti-robot and do all they can to go back to a pre-robotic time.  This will not happen. The robots are here to stay.  Someone is going to need to continually design new robots. but one needs the opportunity to learn how to do this while still supporting one’s family.  One also needs self-confidence.  One needs humility.
 
Without humility, I cannot learn new skills, adapt to new situations, or rejoice in the beauty of relationships – with self, others and mother nature.
 
One might say I do not exist without humility.
 
 
Written December 15, 2106.
 
 
 
 
 
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 18
The last four principles of Kwanzaa
 
Last week the first-grade scholars and I began to discuss the origin of Kwanzaa and the principles which they celebrate.  Our invitation this week was to discuss the last four principles.  Perhaps we can learn why each of them was chosen.
 
Here come the scholars now.
 
Me: Good morning class.
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies?
 
Me: No cookies today but I promise cookies next week prior to our brief holiday break   I am eager to hear what you learned about the remaining four principles of Kwanzaa.  Unless someone needs to talk about something else, we will begin with the following principle:
 
 
¥       Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics): To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together.
 
 
Can anyone explain some of the history of this one.
 
Steve:  We asked our African American neighbors grandmother who is visiting. (He reads off of a paper he has brought.) She says that often the bosses or owner of slaves, coal miners, and factory workers were paid very little or nothing and then forced to shop in the company store which would keep them in debt and, thus, even if free, keep them from leaving.
 
Me:  That is very good.   Although we are studying the history of Kwanzaa, this principle is a goal of many people.  I told you about my friend from Estonia.  Remember where it is? Here let me show you. When I went there with my friend whose home was there, the stories, hotels, restaurants were owned by the Soviet people and all the money they made went to Russia.  The stores were similar to what were called company stores here. Also, in many poor communities in this country the stores which were owned by someone outside the neighborhood charged higher prices than in the richer neighborhoods.  Poor people often do not have cars and cannot go to the other stores.  
 
For a very long time black people were only allowed to shop in certain stores, enter in certain doors, sit is separate sections or could not go in at all.  Often none of the profit of these stores helped the community in which they were located.
 
Susie, as I recall you and Sam had a lemonade stand last year.  You got to keep the money you made after you paid for the lemons, sugar and cups.  How would you have felt if I can along and took all your profit.
 
Susie: That would not be fair Uncle Jim.  We used the money for our school trip. We could not have gone on the trip if we had to give the money to you.
 
Sam: So, it is very important for all of us to own the stores and keep the money.
 
Me:  Yes.  Then we can take care of each other.  But if we have no money every time someone gets sick or need something we have to beg for help and still may not get it.
 
Sam:  We never have to beg for what we need at our house Uncle Jim do we.
 
Me: No Sam, we do not. Your parents, grandparents, and I use our money to get what everyone in the family needs.
 
Susie: Sometimes I get things just because I want them and not because I need them.
 
Me: That is an excellent observation Susie.   How about the 5th principle?
 
 
¥       Nia (Purpose): To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.
 
Tara:  In our town all the Italians lived in a place where they had fig trees and lots of grapes. Dad said it was very beautiful.  Then the city decided to make a road and tore down a lot of the houses and stuff.
 
Sophia:  My grandparents lived there.  They showed me picture and cried.
 
Sam: The same thing happened to the black people who lived next to the Italians.
 
Me: That is right.  The neighborhood was essentially destroyed. What happens when the Africans were sold and brought to the country? Some of them had been very important in their communities.
 
Steve:  They were treated as machines and not as people.
 
Me: Yes, Steve that is accurate.
 
Tommy:  My dad said that white people also went to Africa and took the land and made lots of money but then took the money back to their country.
 
Me: Tommy what would happen if all or most of the money all the parents of everyone in this room went to another country.
 
Sam:  My mom said then everything would fall apart and then the stores and factories would not want to be here and nothing would be good Uncle Jim.
 
Me: Very good.   So, what was once great or good would no longer be good.
 
How about the next principle?
 
¥       Kuumba (Creativity): To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.
 
Sue: My family and I have moved around a lot.  My mum and dad have always told us we must leave the last place more beautiful than when we came.
 
Ahmes:  My mom got one of the toy trucks when we got to this one. She said that the truck could only go forward or backward. It could not stay the same.  So, if do not take care of things or the land then they get ugly, the weeds grow everywhere and the buildings fall down.
 
Me:  Very good.   There was a very famous man whose name was Heraclitus. He said you cannot step into the same river twice. Rivers are always moving and so in some ways they are always different. Each time we get into the river it is different water. I think your mother is saying that either we make things better or they get worse.
 
Ahmes:  Yes I think so Mr. Jim.
 
Sophia:  Mother said it is same with our family.  If we do not take care of each other we will not be healthy and good.
 
Me: Very good Sophia.
 
We are nearly of time.  The last principle is:
 
¥       Imani (Faith): To believe with all our hearts in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

 
Who in this class is important?
 
Class: Everyone Uncle Jim
 
Sam: Even you Uncle Jim and our parents.
 
Me:  Is it important that we take care of each other and make a nice place to live for all of us?
 
Steve: Yes, Mr. Jim.
 
Me: Victory here means that we take care of each other, make sure everyone has a way to make a good livening, and we treat everything and everyone as beautiful.  Another word for victory is winning.
 
Me:  Do we all win together or do only some win?
 
Sam:  You always tell us that all of us have to win or no one wins.
 
Me: That is right.
 
I know not all of you celebrate Christmas but you all celebrate your love for each other. I also know all of you want everyone to feel good.  How about next week we bring one idea of how we can make someone feel good.  I have written it down.
 
Tommy, will you hand one to everyone as they leave?
 
Tommy:  Yes, Mr. Jim
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Me: Have a good week everyone.  You did a great job today!
 
Written December 14, 2016
 
 
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 8 – Week 18
American Dream and spiritual goals
 
Goodness, these weeks pass quickly.   As always, however, I am excited about meeting with the 8th grade students.  The assignment for this week was:
 
For next week, I am suggesting that you and our families talk about what it means to have a spiritual goal.  Instead of thinking about The American Dream think about a spiritual goal or ask if your American Dream is a spiritual goal.  You and your families might have to define what you mean by spiritual.
 
This should be a very interesting class.  I am particularly interested in how the students and their families define spiritual.
 
I hear the class coming now.   
 
Me:  Good morning class.
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies?
 
Me: No cookies today but I promise some for next week before we take our December break.  I am eager to hear what you and your families have to say about spiritual goals. I would first like to hear how families defined spiritual.
 
Paul:  Although we go to church many of our friends have a different religious faith or are not involved in any religion.  When we started talking we realized that we would consider all of them spiritual.  Then we had to try to find the words for what we mean by spiritual. 
 
Me:  Did you look it up?
 
Paul: Yes, Uncle Jim because I know that would be the first question you asked.  I have it here. The two definitions which the Oxford Dictionary gave were:
“Relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things.
Having a relationship biased on a profound level of mental or emotional communion.”
 
Then we had to look up the word communion. It said:
 
“The sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially on a mental or spiritual level.”
 
Me: What does this mean to you family Paul?
 
Paul:  Everyone we know who comes to our house is very loving and always helping other people.
 
Will: In our family, grandmother makes sure we help each other and are kind to each other. She gets really mad if we go to church and then treat each other mean.
 
Susie:  Mr. Jim, in our family we don’t go to church but everyone is really kind.  The most important thing is to share what we have and to help others who are hungry or need a warm coat. We think that is spiritual.
 
Abdul: When we came to this country a lot of people helped us. Some were Muslim and some were Christian and some were we don’t know.
 
Amena: We have some relatives who are very religious and go the mosque a lot but they are always saying that Allah does not like us because we do not go.  They think it is very important to go to Mosque and observe all the traditions.
 
Ann: I know what you mean Amena.  We have an Uncle who is a minister and he treats his wife and our cousins very mean.  He says that God will not let us go to heaven.
 
Me:  What does all this have to do with the American dream?
 
Tom: Sometimes it seems as it the American Dream is to have a lot of stuff instead of sharing it.
 
John:  My sister who is in college says that she and her friends do not want a lot of stuff. Their dream is to make the world better for more people. She may join the Peace Corps.
 
Paul:  My parents are proud when my sister and I help at the Soup Kitchen.
 
Susie:  I want to have a big house with lots of bathrooms.  We have one bathroom for six people.  I would let other people come use the bathrooms. Would that be spiritual?
 
Me: Wow.  You have again impressed me with how much you and your families have thought about this.  It seems as if the American dream has always been different for some people. I wonder if the fact that some of your parents focused on making life easier for you if that gave you the possibility of thinking outside the box.
 
Paul:  You, I and Sam have talked about that before Uncle Jim.  It is …  What is that word you used Uncle Jim?
 
Me: I think you mean ironic. What does it mean Paul?
 
Paul: I think it means that something which seems not to be true is true. In this case, I think it means that first having a lot helps Sam and me think about not needing so much.
 
Me: Paul, I am very impressed. That is exactly what it means in this case. At least that is what it means to me.  It is wonderful that you and Sam appreciate this fact. 
 
John:  Are you saying that first one has to not be hungry or cold because then they can think of helping others?  That is part of what we decided.
 
Me: I think that is partly true, but I also think we have to be careful with that statement.  When my office was next to the center for homeless people, often they helped me in lots of small ways. They were often kinder without expecting anything in return than people who had a lot.  There were some who were so focused on surviving that they did not notice what others needed.
 
Susie:  It seems as if our dreams may be different than that of our parents or some other people.
 
Will: It also seems as if spiritual and religious might or might not go together.
 
Me: We do seem to be saying both of those things.  Goodness. The time has flown by again.   For next week, the assignment is to discuss with your family whether it is important to set daily spiritual goals and what might they be?  Will and Susie will you please pass out the assignment?
 
Will and Susie:  Yes, Mr. Jim.
 
They pass out the assignment.
 
Me: Have a good week everyone.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Written December 13, 2016
 
 

​Grandma says – God is watching you!
 
Grandmother Pickett’s commitment to instilling solid moral values which translated into daily behavior was such that she did not mind bringing in the heavy artillery.   The heaviest artillery in her arsenal was GOD!   If it appears that if one was not sufficiently fearful of her admonishments and disapproval, she did not hesitate to bring in the threat of the disapproval of God.  Since we had been introduced to the hell, fire and brimstone of the Southern Baptist tradition, this was not a minor threat. The Roman Catholics had nothing on us Southern Baptist protestants.  The Roman Catholics had their venal and mortal sins. They even had THE LIST of the Seven.  Southern Baptists preferred to leave it to the creativity of the individual pastor although there were certainly expected categories of sins.  They included:
 
·      Sexual sins including lustful thoughts and behavior.
·      The ten commandments.
·      Disrespect towards one’s elders.
·      Disrespect during church.
·      Sloth.
·      Divorce.
·      Dancing.
·      Drinking.
·      Not praying many times a day.
·      Not giving in to the power of the holy spirit although this one seemed to be applied more liberally to females.
·      Fussing about spending two hours in church.
·      Being bested by one’s neighbors in monetary donations to the church or contributions of food to church meals.
·      Whining about what one had to eat or not eating everything on one’s plate when there were starving children in China. 
 
I am sure that there were many others, but these come immediately to mind.  Of course, elders, including Grandmother Pickett, felt free to assure one that she was merely channeling the displeasure of God anytime one’s behavior veered from what she was sure was dictated by God.
 
Warnings about the wages of sin came in stages.  The first stage might be a gentle, but stern reminder.  If that did not work she might remind one to not force her to have to whup you. This was presented in a way which make it clear that the sinful party was totally responsible for her moving on to the next level of carrying out one’s Christian responsibility.
 
As a child, it seemed to me that God could not possibility be concerning himself (God was in that tradition always a male but apparently preferred on a daily basis to be channeled in the body of the female’s elders) with the minuscular details of what hands, feet, or facial expressions were doing.   It all seemed a bit much for my small mind.  I mean, I knew that God could surely memorize the material for a math or English exam, but every detail of my waking and perhaps sleeping life?  One shook with fear. If indeed God was privy to every thought one knew that any discipline by a mere mortal fell short of what was deserved.  To this date I cower with fear that a grandmother surrogate might “know” my innermost thoughts.  Personally, I was always hopeful that if indeed it was possible that my left hand might not know what my right hand was doing in acts of charity, perhaps God only checked with the right hand thoughts so to speak.  What can I say? Knowing the depravity which lurked near the surface of my Sunday suit I was grasping for any possibility of salvation.
 
Obviously, it did not help that all elder women in my life as a child had a cyclops eye in the back of their head and were gifted with the art of reading minds.  I am quite sure that God was well pleased with his 24/7 servants posing and sweet, demure women. Do not get me wrong.  My grandmother and the other powerful women in my life  were  indeed sweet, embracing, generous women.  Grandmother in her homemade house dress and old lady, sturdy shoes was the purest of the pure.  One could hardly hold it against her that the Holy Spirit might, without prior notice, deliver the supreme love of Father God in the form of a whack alongside of one’s head.  This could be delivered without her having to raise her white gloved hand or taking leave of the reverent smile as she pondered her grave responsibility.
 
This blessed servant  of God, Fanny Mae Pickett, ended her earthly responsibilities on August 21, 1979.   I am sure that she now has an exalted position of leadership and is, as I type, working alongside many other powerful women to alter the genetic makeup of humans so that their brain will one day experience a powerful electrical zap every time they  consider veering from the  straight and narrow road.   Every human will have an internal virtual grandmother with a built in head whack. 
 
God can finally take a much needed vacation.
 
In the meantime “God is watching YOU!”
 
 
Written December 12, 2016
 

​Who am I?  Am I my song?
 
Yesterday,  I listened for the first time to Krista Tippet’s December 8, 2016 conversation with Alice Parker.  Today I listened for the second time and then read the transcript. I was attempting to “hear” the remarkable woman who, at 91, is passionately singing, composing, learning and opening to new possibilities.    It does not seem as if she has yet reached full bloom. Perhaps none of we humans every do.  Not surprisingly I had never connected her name with a piece of music although I am sure I have heard some of it.  There are so many gifts which I have yet to discover or claim.   It seems that the more I discover the more I realize how little I know.  I suppose that is one of the many gifts of aging. If lucky or blessed, one is more comfortable with the negative or blank space – with the reality of all that one thought, we knew we did not know.
 
At any rate, Ms. Tippet introduced me and many other listeners, I am sure, to yet another treasure – Alice Parker who is “the artistic director of the non-profit Melodious Accord and is the author of Melodious Accord: Good Singing in Church.  She collaborated with the Robert Shaw Chorale for 20 years and has composed operas, cantatas, and suites for chamber ensembles as well as hundreds of anthems and songs.” (On Being transcript of this show.) She also is a seeker.  She says:”
 
“This — who am I? So, a lifelong job is to discover who I am, and therefore who you are, and who anybody else is. And the big challenge for us now is to be secure and accepting of who we are so that we can look at someone else and be secure and accepting of them. And it seems as if we go from generation to generation, certainly amassing knowledge of all kinds of things, but we haven’t advanced one iota in understanding each other, ourselves or each other.
 
And so, this is the huge challenge, and that anything like group singing that can overcome those differences, the ego taking shape over anything else, anything that we can do is going to lead to a better world. And there’s no way — you can’t do it from a big platform. You can’t do it from the TV camera because it has to be face-to-face, and it has to be local.”
 
Her message is one that we hear over and over again and, yet, one that, as a whole, us humans continue to ignore.  We must begin to focus on a common language. Her experience tells us that the most basic language is sound which she hears as song.  One might, as I did, quickly question whether she is ignoring the fact that neither speech nor sound is possible for some. Yes, she is quick to point out that all sound is movement/vibrations.  This came home to her as the mother of infants. She heard their early voice as the most basic of human communication.  Even with those who cannot speak or hear, awareness of the vibrations of sound is possible both as coming from them and as received by them.  When a child or an adult is unable to hear in language they can often “hear and communicate” the vibrations which frequently begin with emotions.  Their body movement is also a way of communicating with that energy.  One can “see” this clearly if one goes to You Tube and looks for video of deaf people singing to and with each other.  Even via the relatively benign medium of the internet the emotional sound of their communication is very loud.  Mrs. Parker in her conversation with Mrs. Tippett goes on to say:
 
“. . .light is also vibration. We learn that all of the little molecules and everything in our bodies are in constant motion; they’re all vibrating. So, vibration is almost at the center of life. And we can experience it through all of our different senses. But if we have ears, music is the kind of glorification of the possibility of hearing. That that’s where it all is, and that that’s the gift that is given us. And it partakes of energy exactly the way the physical world does. Every time we start a song, we’re setting something in motion”
 
The age-old question of what makes us uniquely human is, it seems, our need to question who we are in relation to the universe and in relation to ourselves and each other. The question of who am I becomes one of who am I in relationship? What is our uniquely human purpose?  It seems as if this question soon morphs into one of questioning one’s worth.   Am I enough?  Are you worth more or less than I am?  How do we conceptualize how we came into being? Did a supreme being create us?  Does this supreme being demand obedience?  Obedience?  Have we got it, right?  Is my concept the absolute right one?  Ultimately this fear leads to conflict.  We justify our conflict with artificial social constructs of race, sexuality, religion, gender, absolute judgment and other self- justifying stories.
 
Yet, time and time again, very wise individuals such as Alice Parker suggest that what is uniquely human is not our ability to touch each other with the same vibrations of molecules which touch every other part of creation.  We touch each other through vibrations which we then experience through hearing, seeing, and feeling. The last is the most elusive of all to concretize and, one might have theorized even a few years ago that it was this ability to connect on an emotional level which distinguishes us as human.  Yet, current research is questioning even that truth.  Perhaps, after all, it is only our difficulty in acceptance of the worth and breath of our gifts and abilities which distinguishes us. Perhaps despite the fun we have with various forms of communication tools it is our willingness to be present as Ms. Parker describes her experience with her infant children which allow us to experience the connection we have with all of the universe – to sing our songs and dance our dances.   It is that willingness to “go with the flow” of the vibrations of the universe of which we are an essential part –no more and no less than the rest of creation.
 
Written December 10, 2016
 

​Sunday Musings – December 11, 2016
 
As my mind quickly passes over the week, it is, at best, a bit of a blur.  It would seem that the week held nothing in its arms except for ordinary, day-to-day events. Saying that, however, seems to diminish the depth of the blessings I was granted this week.  
 
Perversely, my mind fixates on confirmation of the fact that a former very close friend has accepted that I am so obtuse, or am so unenlightened (emotionally undeveloped), or just too stubborn to admit to the reason why my spring behavior was so unforgivable.  Perhaps unforgivable is missing the point.  Perhaps from her standpoint it is just facing the reality that if I do not understand what it was which was so hurtful than I am likely to repeat the behavior which, to her, was a violation of or the renting of the very fabric from which our friendship was so carefully crafted.   Again, I am faced with the reality of my helplessness; of the need to accept what is.   Yet, for a moment or two or three I experience a surge of envy of one of the recent presidential candidates in the United States.  Envy! Why would I envy a person who seemingly can say words and engage in actions which, as my friend N might say, cuts people off at the knees – rips the heart out of them – and be forgiven?  Dear me.  How embarrassing that I would envy someone whose power demands forgiveness if one is to survive politically.  I neither have nor want such power.  Yet...
 
The week included:
·      An amazing performance by a local University choir and the very talented local high school and a middle school choirs.
·      Positive test results from the eye doctor – no growth in cataracts and no sign of macular degeneration.
·      Attendance at the art show of a friend which also provided the opportunity to visit with some folks I had not seen since returning to Wheeling.
·      A delightful evening with friends over dinner and a wonderful performance of a local production of “A Christmas Carol.”  This was also the evening one of the friends of friends was a woman I had often worked with but had never met.
·      The opportunity to share the healing journey of a number of clients and at the center where I volunteer.
·      Time with dear friends with whom I share a long history of unconditional love.
·      The physical ability to exercise daily.
·      The ability to touch many friends in person, via letter, email and phone.
·      A comfortable, pleasant place to live, plenty of food and warm clothes to wear.
 
It seems I could go on and on listing blessings which included being held by the love of many.  Yet, my thought keeps returning to the one person who joins those in the past who have outed me as a fraudulent friend.   The glass is much more than half full and, yet, there is a historic tendency to focus on what is not rather than what is.  This fascinates me and also frequently leaves me smiling at myself.   “There is your humanness again.”  The good thing or one of the valuable outcomes of daily writing is the opportunity to gain a little perspective. This does not put an immediate halt to the “stinkin thinkin” but it does move me in that direction.   
 
I am again reminded of my frequent advice to others – breathe, just notice without adding to the story, and gently allow it to leave when ready.
 
The student who masquerades as a teacher has, in the words of Robert Frost “And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.”
 
 
Written December 11, 2016
 

​Letting go – Goodbye Justin. Goodbye John. Goodbye Gary. Goodbye…
 
As a young man and even as a middle age man, I just knew that one day I would look in the mirror and see the inner image of the hunk which I was intended to be finally emerging to be an exterior reality.   The fact that well into my thirties I still got carded and was only attractive to those who, sadly, were attracted to teenage boys did not bode well for my dating possibilities.   I just knew, however, that one day I would look in the mirror and see the image of Gary Grant, Frank Sinatra, or John Wayne.  Alas, that did not happen and now I look in the mirror and hunger for the face and body of the young man whose body parts were at least proportional and hair was artfully placed on those body parts where hair was intended to be.
 
For a time, I could blame my changing body shape on side effects of medication. Indeed, lipodystrophy in the neck and breast and face did present me with a different image than that I had been used to.  I longed for my previous distribution of weight.  Still, at least this new body was a side effect of medications.
 
Of course, as I began to visit my fifties, then the sixties and finally the seventies even I had to accept that some of the changes I was seeing in the mirror were due to the simple fact of aging.   Soon I was hearing, “You look good for your age.”   Really!  Do not, I repeat, do not tell someone they look good for their age!  It is not received as a compliment no matter what the intention. Please do immediately wash out your mouth with soap! What were you thinking?
 
My early experience as a man who lived with the Vietnam war, other wars, and illness such as AIDS brought home the truth that life is very tenuous.  Friends and family are going to leave one day or I am going to leave them.  Death happens.  With war and with AIDS, death was at worst spread out over a matter of months.  Later, with AIDS, wars and increasingly with other illness it was spread out a bit longer.  Still, it was not decades long.
 
As a male, first, as one ages, many of us have to bid adieu to one’s hairline. Next one says goodbye to one’s hair natural color. Soon, one notices that it is sheer torture to carry one’s wallet in one’s back pocket.  One’s posterior has suddenly disappeared. Where does it go?  It was here one day and then it is gone.  This does not seem to be true for women.  Yet, we men, must face the reality of the disappearing “ass”.  What is this about?    At least with sagging jaws and breasts one can see merely a redistribution.  Although it may not be attractive at least one can trace the journey. With the ass, it suddenly just is no more. 
 
Body hair unlike the sagging parts or the disappearing parts becomes delusional. Suddenly each follicle thinks it is a Mexican jumping bean.   Hair jumps from one body area to another.  A hair which was formerly on one’s head or perhaps on one’s lower leg is suddenly, overnight, residing on the side of one’s nose. Some will appear on the top of one’s earlobe. Apparently, the Gods of aging have decided that hearing, breathing through the nose and smelling is no longer necessary as hair masses to block those passages.  The bushy eyebrows threaten one sight.  What is this, the hear no evil, see no evil, smell no evil approach to spiritual enlightenment?
 
Any illusions one might have had about the spiritual awakening of the mirror and thus finally reflecting Justin Trudeau shirtless, hunky body - God’s gift to same and opposite sex - is history.  
 
I have shared the story with many of the time as a young man when my job took me to a meeting at the United States Marine base at Quantico, Virginia.  I was determined to look like the boy wonder who could at least masquerade as an adult man and one who commanded resect.  I had on my newest polyester suit (then in vogue among the unenlightened), polyester tie, white shirt, nearly trimmed hair and the requisite black wing tip shoes.  This was a time when cigarettes were standard office equipment.  I leaned over a desk to shake someone’s hand and the crotch of my suit trousers came in contact with a lit cigarette.  Poof! The entire crotch of my pants melted revealing my boring white undergarments!  So much for illusions of perfection.  It seemed the Gods of nicotine addiction had conspired to remind me of humility.  There have been many subsequent lessons in humility – of letting go of illusions and attachments.  Yet, it seems to me that the forced abandonment of one’s male posterior and the acceptance of the indignity of wayward hairs and the subsequent blocking of sight, sound and smell is overkill.  On the other hand, it is very difficult if one can no longer claim sight, smells or hearing, to ignore the obvious reminders of one basic humanness.
 
One is tempted to write an ode to one’s posterior and, yet, that might defeat the purpose of its disappearance. 
 
One knows that from dust to dust is a reality of this journey but do we really need the indignity of daily being forced on a march away from the truth of our inner Justin Trudeauness! I am sure he has a perfectly intact and well rounded, sexy posterior. Yet, thank God, one day he too will bid it adieu!
 
 
Written December 9, 2016