​I do – Invitation to share core values
 
Often when I am meeting with families with or without children I ask each person to share their core values.  This sounds like a simple question which one might think most of us could rattle off without having to spend much time thinking.  Of course, all parents hope that their children have a clear set of core values by the time they are beginning to approach adulthood.   Sometimes we parents forget that we cannot expect our 5-year-old to have internalized a clear set of core values and to be able to articulate them to us.   We may foolishly ask, “Why would you lie?  Don’t you understand why lying is wrong?”   Actually, a five-year-old may know that a parent is not likely to appreciate the lie, but he or she will not be able to understand how lying undermines the entire family system.   Sadly, sometimes we adults have yet to understand or have the habits of thinking through the systemic effects of our own behavior.
 
The old adage of “Do what I say and not what I do” does not, of course, work well in families.  With the exception of age appropriate differences, the behavior of family members needs to match the stated core values.  This is the reason why I often recommend that families perform the refrigerator test to decide if their behavior matches the core values of the families.   The refrigerator test is writing down in large letters the behavior and posting it on the refrigerator as a rule which is acceptable for all family members.  A further test of the rule is the willingness of all family members to discuss the behavior and whether it is one they want to retain.
 
Some family members might say that this is hard work and indeed it is. On the other hand, living with the consequences of not having and making decisions based on core values will result in a lot of heartache, disruptive behavior, and often the breakdown of any functional family system.  
 
Stated core values may be pretty be pretty similar in most families but the behavior may vary a lot.   It is important, however, to first state core values.  The following may provide the basis for a family discussion:
 
·      Give at least three love charges a day to every family member (tell each family member three things about them you appreciate about them every day without expecting anything in return).
·      Do not criticize, lecture, or punish when someone has made a mistake or had a problem. Instead, focus on what needs to happen to repair something and to, if possible, avoid the same issue in the future.
·      Do not lie unless it is for a surprise such as a gift or to avoid needlessly hurting someone’s feeling.  (One might not need to criticize a new item of dress that one simply does not like.)
·      No negative name calling.
·      Everyone works together to maintain a home. Family will agree on a system for getting chores done.
·      Parents will set age appropriate guidelines such as curfew but will, when possible discuss in family meeting.  For example, parents, might initially decide no internet access except in public areas.
·      No viewing of pornography by any family member or none for anyone under 21 or …
·      Family members give each other gifts of time, a listening ear, or shoulder.
·      Family members will celebrate each other’s achievement and make doing so a priority.  
When there is an issue, that issue will be addressed in family meetings.
·      All major decisions will be decided by consensus at family meetings.
·      Family will decide criteria for what qualifies as a major decision.
·      Family meetings will take place once a week but any member of family may call a family meeting when they feel a need for one.
·      All family member will practice active listening.
·      All whining lasting more than five minutes will be done in costume selected by other family members.
·      Private time will be respected.
·      Family members will not isolate themselves to avoid dealing with difficult or emotional issues.
·      All family members commit to taking care of themselves emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually.
·      When a family member is physically or emotionally ill they will seek professional help.   (If the rest of the family are concerned that is reason enough to seek professional help.  Sometimes a phone call to professional asking for advice about whether to make appointment is all that is needed.  Of course, this assumes that phone call report does not minimize the issue.)
·      No use of illegal drugs by any family member although in some cases family may decide medical use of marijuana is okay even in state where it is illegal.
·      Getting drunk or high is not acceptable.  (This might be a tough one for some families to decide. In some families, adults occasionally getting drunk does violate core values.)
 
This is a long list and meant merely to provide a basis for discussion.  If a family has not been used to discussing such issues some family members may feel awkward.  That is okay.  It will get easier.
 
Written January 6, 2017
 

​School Bells  - Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 20
Our effect on others.
 
I am really looking forward to meeting with the first grade scholars.  I appreciated the break but I also miss my weekly meeting with these wonderful  young people.   Here they come now.
 
Me:  Good morning everyone.    Welcome back.
 
Class: Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies!
 
Me:  Yes. We have cookies.  Sam and her brother, Paul, helped to make them.
 
Class:  Thank you Sam!
 
Me:    Sofia and Steve, would  you pass out the cookies please?
 
(They do so.  They are quickly ingested.)
 
Me:  I am eager to hear if you noticed anything different about time with family this holiday.  I know that most of you were celebrating one of the holidays which involved visiting with relatives.  Of course you are a year older than you were last year.  Many of  you have reported that you have been having more family time and family discussions.  
 
Sam:  We already talked with you Uncle Jim about the fact that our grandparents whom we do not see often still act as if we are very little.
 
Me:  Yes, it is sometimes difficult for family members and others who do not see us often to realize that we are growing in lots of ways.   As we know we all see with our minds and not our eyes.
 
Sam:  What do you mean Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Lots of studies have shown I often see what I expect to see or what I want to see or hear.  The eyes reflect the light but the brain has to decide what to look at and what to call what we see.   We will explore that one of these days, but for now think about this example.   I am going to hold up my hand.  I have never hit any of you.  Usually you see my hand handing out cookies, picking stuff or pointing at something.   What if I had hit you with my hand?  Then the same hand would be something very scary and as soon as I raised it you might back away.   Someone else I had never hit would see just a hand.  It is the same hand but a different hand.  So when  relatives who do not see you often visit they expect to see this young child and not someone who is growing up and who is much different than the young child.  
 
What else did anyone notice about being with the family this holiday.
 
Tara:  Mom and dad talked a lot about how we are turning off the television and talking more.  
 
Me: How did people respond?
 
Tara:  My cousins still played games on their phones or iPads a lot.  They did not want to talk.   Adults kept asking me what I was interested in.   Mom and dad showed them all the assignments I have brought home.  They began to ask questions about what I thought and to talk to each other.  
 
Tommy:  Our family still watched television when there was a game on but dad asked that we schedule dinner when there was no game on so that everyone came to the tables and ate together. 
 
Me:  How did that work Tommy?
 
Tommy:  Pretty good.  There was some loud discussion about the new President but no one was mean or got mad.  
 
Me:  That is great Tommy.  How about others?
 
Ahmes:  My grandparents asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up.  They always ask that, but this year I said I wanted to teach in Egypt about treating boys and girls the same.
 
Me:  How did they respond?
 
Ahmes:  Well, this is my mother’s parents and they know that my mother works as a professor.  Still, they think that boys and girls are very different.    One of my boy cousins wants to be a ballet dancer.  Grandpa did not like that but he loves my cousin.  
 
Me:  Wow, sounds as if everyone agreed to work hard to listen to each other.
 
Steve:  My mother suggested that we play a game to see who could just listen and not say anything.   She would suggest a topic and someone would talk for a minute.  It was really hard. Then we talked a lot all weekend about why it is so hard to listen.   I kept wanting to say something back when others talked but I liked it when everyone would just listen to me.
 
Me:   Wow!  That is great Steve.  Perhaps you could help us practice next time we meet.
 
Steve:  Okay Mr. Jim.
 
Susie;  Mom and dad shared with some other families about our family meetings and why we are playing board games more often.  Some of our cousins got mad at us because they did not want to do that. They just wanted to play games on their phones or iPads.
 
Me:  Why do you think that is Susie?
 
Susie;  We know it is not comfortable to do something new.  Mom asked some of the cousins to talk about what they liked about the games they play.  We all learned a lot.
 
Me:  That is great.  Others?
 
Sue:  We had a sad holiday  because my aunt was sick and then died. When she was sick I asked to go to hospital to see her.  My grandparents, aunts and uncle all said no, but my mom and dad said I was old enough to go.  They took me.  It was sad but I got to tell her how much I am going to be like her. She smiled. 
 
Me:  So you parents trusted you to handle the situation?
 
Sue: Yes, I think it is because we have been talking a lot and they do not try to protect me so much.
 
Me:  That is wonderful Sue.  How about you Sofia?
 
Sofia:  My grandparents came from Italy. I loved seeing them but Grandma kept saying, “Sofie, come to Nonna. Come to nonnina.”
She would grab my head and put it between her big breasts. I could not breathe and thought I was going to die.
 
Me:  (Trying not to laugh.)  Tell your classmates what  nonna and nonnina mean.
 
Sofia:  Nonna is Italian for grandmother and  nonnina means little grandmother.  Some say nonnie which is also word for grandparents.
 
I write these on the board.
 
Nonna – grandmother
Nonnina – little grandmother
Nonnie – grandparents
 
 
Me:  We are nearly out of time.   How about next week we practice our listening skills.    Remember what Steve said about just listening and not responding to what someone said.  If we want we can repeat back to the person talking what we ‘heard” them saying.  Steve will help us next week.
 
Ahmes and Sue will you pass out another cookie? 
 
Steve will you pass out the assignment?
 
Have a good week everyone.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Class:  Goodbye Mr. Jim
 
written January 5, 2017
 
 
 

​School Bells – Current affairs – Grade 8 – Week 20
 
Although a break from the school routine is always fun I think that everyone is glad to be back to a more normal routine.  I have missed the students although I did have some time with Sam and Paul during the holiday break.
 
I had suggested to the students that during the break they and their families think about three or four topics they would like to discuss and have the class discuss.  I am eager to hear what topics they will recommend.
 
Here come the students now.
 
Me: Good morning class.  I hope everyone had a nice time with loved ones during the break.  Before you ask, there are cookies.  In fact, Paul and his sister helped bake them.   Ann and John would you pass them out please?
 
Class: Good morning  Mr. Jim.  Thank you Paul!
 
John and Ann pass out the cookies which are quickly consumed.
 
Me:  I am eager to hear what topics you and your extended families thought it would be good for us to discuss this semester in class. 
 
Susie:  My grandparents brought up the topic which we ended up calling manners or etiquette.    Grandma said that when they were growing up everybody had a copy of the Emily Post book of etiquette.  Mom  and dad then said that Ms. Manners was the guide they grew up with.   Grandma suggested we talk about how young people today know about etiquette.  That is not a word I have thought much about Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  Great topic Susie.  Let’s put that on the white board.
 
Etiquette – What is it?  Who decides?
 
Abdul:  Mr. Jim our family talked about what it means to be living in the United States.  We used to live in another country and now we live here.  What does it mean to be patriotic when we can change countries?
 
Me: Another great topic. Thanks Abdul.  I will put it on the whiteboard.
 
What does it mean to be patriotic when one can change countries?
 
Me:  It seems that perhaps each family came up with one primary topic which covers a range of questions. That is great. Who else wants to share?
 
Tom:  Grandpa asked how I know what it means to be a man. He says that it is more confusing than when he was growing up.  Part of him likes that there is not so much pressure to be a certain way.  He also said that in some ways it was better when women stayed at home and men went to work. Then there was a big argument about work over if work at home counts and if men or women should stay at home.
 
Me:  Another great topic Tom.
 
What does it mean to be a man or a woman?  How does this change the family?  Who stays at home?
 
Paul:  We talked about whether young people like us will ever want to run for office and have everyone say terrible things about us.  It is also very expensive Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Great question Paul.  What is different about today?  Did candidates always say mean things about each other?
 
Paul:  That is what our grandparents said, but  they did not have twitter and all the other ways of  being mean.
 
Me:  Yes, some things have changes.  Let me put the topic on the board.
 
Amena:  Our family talked about coming to this country, starting a business and hiring people.  My parents said that refugees add to the economy because they hire people also. Sometimes when someone is a doctor or something in another country and they come here, they will not allow them to be what they trained for.
 
Me: I hear you suggesting that we figure out if we are better or worse off financially when we take in refugees and I hear you asking if we need to make it easier for refugees to practice their professions.  Let’s put that on the board.
 
Do refugees add to or drain the economy?   Can it be made easier for refugees to practice their profession in their new country?
 
Me:  Anyone else?
 
Ann:  One of my cousins died from a drug overdose over the holiday.  We talked a lot about drug addiction and why there seems to be even more of it. What can we do?  
 
Me:  I am so sorry about your cousin.  We certainly need to figure out a new approach to reducing drug addiction and deaths from addiction.
 
New approaches to reducing drug addiction.
 
Me:  These are also important topics.   Who else?
 
Will:  My aunt and my cousin were talking about decisions about having children and who is going to take care of children.  It is illegal to leave a child home alone and, yet, everyone in family works.  
 
Me:  Great question Will.  It is very  expensive to hire someone but then the child care person also has to live.
 
 
Should we have children? Who takes care of the children?
 
John:  My aunts and uncles who live far away were really surprised by our class. They said that their school does not have this type of class. They wanted to know how we could help other schools get them.
 
Me:  That is wonderful. Perhaps when we have that discussion we can ask Mrs. Sanford to come in and explore if we can use our Facebook page to share how other schools could get such a class.
 
I write on the board:
 
Helping other schools start a current affairs class.   Use of social media. (Invite Mrs. Sanford  for that discussion.)
 
Me:  I am so happy to be back in class with you.  You continue to impress me and make me so proud of you.
 
Will and Paul will you pass out another cookie to everyone.   Next week we will discuss the question of etiquette:  What is it and who decides?   I am printing off the list.   Amena will you please pass out a copy to everyone?
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Me:  Have a good week everyone!
 
Class:  Bye Mr. Jim
 
Written January 4, 2017
 
 

​Professional Ethics – Do unto others ….
 
One of the many joys of being a licensed counselor and certified addiction counselor is that I sometimes have the privilege of being invited to supervise and/or mentor someone who is attempting to be licensed and/or certified.   I do not do this often these days on a formal basis, but, at the moment, I have the honor of working with an exceptional young woman who is meeting the requirements of a supervised practicum.   This morning, one of the topics we discussed after I observed her very expertly facilitating a group therapy session was ethics.  We discussed the fact that it seems that in both the addiction and the counseling fields it is easy to fall into the trap of allowing fear of being accused of doing something inappropriate to be the primary guide in dealing with clients.   While we are suggesting to clients that they change their relationship with fear so that it is not in charge of one’s life, we allow fear to be the chief guide in many of our professional dealing with clients.  It seems that this has become particularly true in this era of social media and the era of being particularly sensitive to the temptation to be lax in how we use our position of power as counselors, teachers and others who are dependent on our help in healing or to learn. Just the other day I was talking with a good friend whose high school daughter’s teacher seemed to be expecting the student to meet his emotional needs rather than his focus being on meeting the needs of the student.    That is clearly inappropriate and not helpful to the student or the teacher. Certainly, the teacher deserves to have his or her emotional needs met, but the student cannot and should not be expected to do that. The teacher needs to clearly identify his or her emotional needs and figure out a healthy plan to get them met without violating the contract with the student thereby staying in the teacher role.
 
Not confusing our needs with the needs of the students, clients or patients is very important for many professionals.  Professional services are often sought when someone is young or otherwise in a vulnerable place in life.  It is easy for a professional who does not consistently fill up their emotional, spiritual, and other personal care gas tanks to fall into the trap of attempting to get their needs met by the student, patient or client.  This is often unconscious.  When one does not intentionally fill up one’s personal gas tanks one will ALWAYS be vulnerable to reversing the roles with clients, students or patients.
 
Keeping the needs of the client, student, and patient as a priority is thus one of the primary ethical goals of the teacher or clinician.
 
On the other hand, in our role as teachers and clinicians we want to establish a trusting human relationship with those we teach, mentor or counsel.   We want them to know that often it is not easy to do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. Some of us can be very creative in lying to ourselves and others about why we have done something or why we have not done something. This morning the person I was supervising noticed she was giving herself an excuse to not do something she had committed to do. If she noticed a client doing this she would appropriately help him or her see how they were making decisions which could easily lead to a relapse.   She shared with the clients what she had discovered herself doing and in so doing earned another level of trust with the clients.  She also provided a mirror for the clients who saw their own behavior reflected in her.   Allowing them to see that even the counselors have to be vigilant was very helpful.  Clearly the need of the clients was being served with this modeling behavior.  It will be easy for her to document this decision in her clinical notes.
 
The counselor brought up another issue when I was meeting with her privately.  Is it ever ethical to accept the friendship request of clients on Facebook. I maintain that it is. This then limits what the teacher or clinician can put on Facebook.  In my case I have a professional and personal Facebook page but I treat them both as professional meaning I do not post anything personal on them that would be inappropriate to share with clients or students.  I do post a copy of my daily blog which is also available on my professional web page.   If clients or students choose to use personal messaging on Facebook I remind them that even the Pentagon or White house can be hacked.   Thus, I suggest that they do not put anything on Facebook or other social media that they would not want published on the front page of the local newspaper.  Of course, the same applies to the professional.
 
I do not think it is helpful to have pages and pages of ethical guidelines for any professional.  I remind myself  and those I mentor, teach or supervise of the following:
 
1.    Remember that the professional has the position of power and the client, patient, student is vulnerable.
2.   Treat clients, students, patients the way you want to be treated when you are in that position. If one is seeing a doctor, counselor or teacher one is not engaging a prostitute or even hired companion.
3.   If in doubt about some behavior, do not do it.
4.   Have a trusted colleague who is your mentor or supervisor to whom you give the power to have the final say regarding a potential behavior/action.
5.   Listen to clients, students, patients who will generally let you know if some behavior feels inappropriate. Remember that what feels inappropriate for one person may not for another. Some individuals will feel exceptionally vulnerable and need  very clear and solid boundaries.  (I recall a woman who felt so vulnerable that she needed to think the psychiatrist she was seeing was rock solid. When the doctor sneezed the patient almost fell apart.   I am not suggesting that the professional refrain from sneezing but it is a good example of how vulnerable a person can feel.)
6.   If one is uncomfortable with a written record of one’s behavior with a client, student, patient than refrain from doing that behavior.
7.   Do not be afraid to own one’s behavior and apologize when some behavior crosses a line for a particular student, patient, client.
 
These are the essentials of ethical guidelines. Of course, one also needs to be aware of local and state laws and to be sure that the student, client, or patient is aware of them.  For example, if one knows or suspects that a child is being abused one is, in most places, legally require to report it.
 
I am reminded of one of the oft quoted maxims of the 12-step program – “Keep it simple stupid.”     We may want to just use the first part – “Keep it simple.” and forget the “stupid” but one says this in a way that one is always talking to oneself.  After all, the student is the teacher and the teacher is the student.
 
Written January 3, 2016 
x

​Grandma says:  “You will reap the seeds you sow.”
 
I am not sure what triggered the memory of this saying of my grandmother.  At first glance it seems just another way of saying “one year’s weeds, another year’s seeds” about which I have previously written.   Yet it is also in line with my thinking about  the need to do some emotional and spiritual cleaning which I discussed in the recent blog about how I will use the 12 steps to guide me in my spiritual growth this year.
 
My second thought as I allowed the memory of this saying to meld with my memory of Grandma Fannie was “How can you say that Grandma?”  When you worked as a seamstress you did not get paid the same as a male tailor.   Surely you are not saying that all those people who lost family members and all their possessions in floods or earthquakes got what they deserved.   How come some people seem to make a lot of money  no matter how they treat people and people like you who work really hard and are extremely smart make so little?   What about children who get cancer and die?   What seeds did they sow that they reaped and dies? What about their parents?  If we reaped what we sow life would be fair.
 
Grandma would smile. Sometimes she would be busy and say, “You will understand when you get older.”    Other times she would patiently begin to read a Bible passage or she would pull out the encyclopedias and read about Eleanor Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, or some other person she admired.   She would ask, “Do you really think that God is impressed with big houses, cars, and other things that money can buy?  God remembers what we think of when we think of people such as Abraham Lincoln who did not let depression and personal loss keep them from doing what they believed was right.   What do we remember about Jesus”   I might respond:  Every time I go to church there is a cross  Sometimes there is Jesus hanging on the cross. Did he reap what he sowed?
 
Grandma might just smile and say, “Oh child, it seems like Jesus got the opposite of what he sowed.   It seems as if a lot of famous people got the opposite of what they deserved.  Yet, what  is the one thing the lives of these people taught us?”   
 
I would likely reply:  I don’t know.  Seems as if they taught us that the bad people win no matter what grandma.
 
“What they taught us was that no matter what  no one could keep them from being who they are.  You know what I say when you say you did something because so and so ‘made’ you do it?”   
 
Yeah Grandma I know but you are not there getting beat up if you do not do what they say.
 
“Yes, child, that is not easy and it is often frightening.   How do you feel if  you beat up someone else just because the bullies told you to?”
 
I feel really bad.
 
“How do you feel if you are kind to someone?”   
 
I feel good. So are you saying that we can sow kindness and other good things and we will feel good inside?
 
“That is very good Jim.”
 
But grandma it does not seem as if the bullies feel bad when they know no one will do anything if they beat me up.
 
“Yes, it seems that way and temporarily that is true. For a minute the bully puffs out his chest and feels really good. On the other hand the bully will never  have that good feeling.”
 
Grandma, the preacher says we will get our reward in heaven.  Why do we have to wait until heaven?
 
And, thus, the conversation would go on until some farm or family chore demanded more of Grandma’s attention.  Periodically she would again remind me that “You reap the seeds you sow.” usually in response to the fact that I had not done my best on a test because I had not studied as much as I should have, or I had spent the quarters she periodically gave us and did not save up for something more expensive that I wanted.  What pleased her most that was I would feel so bad when I did something I knew I was not proud of.
 
Now, many years later when I am much older than she was when she was given the gift of being a grandmother, I am learning that all that counts is, for today, my brain is functioning well enough to remind me that all that really matters is that I have a set of core values which give a ‘shout out” when I do or even consider doing something which violates those values.  Of course, there are the times when I do not think through some action and directly or indirectly inflict damage on the person or my relationship with myself and the person.  Then there are the times when I have to more closely examine my core values.  For example, is it always wrong to kill?  What about a sick person deciding the time and place of their death? What about stopping someone from abusing a young child?  What about stopping a terrorist act and saving the lives of many others?  
 
The “sin” of arrogance – of thinking I and I alone have the ear of the God of my understanding – is one which visits more often than I would like to admit.  Then there is the “sin” of assuming that everyone has a brain which allows them to make what I consider moral decisions – of considering how their behavior affects others.
 
The good news is that I have much to learn and that Grandma Fannie is every patient.  She seems not to mind that she has to keep telling me the same lessons over and over again.
 
Written January 2, 2017
 

​Revisiting justice – drug dealers, sociopaths and other “undesirables”
 
For many years, I have involved with the judicial system in a variety of roles:  consultant on prison reform in New Jersey, working as a Chaplain and counselor in a prison, working with individuals who have been in prison or who are now in prison, and as a so called expert witness in court cases.   I have frequently studied and written about the fact that here in the United States (as well as some other countries) we incarcerate an increasing number of people  for long periods of time.  The prisons seemed to  have replaced our state mental health hospitals which often were used as warehouses rather than state of the art treatment centers.  We know that the  prison recidivism rate is high, that the cost of prison is staggering, and that the only benefit is the temporary illusion that punishing “the bad people” will make for a safer society. Not a day goes by, or so it seems, that I do not hear a call to increase the prison time for people committing certain crimes.  In fact, much of what I hear in the United States does not seem distant enough from the policies of the current president of the Philippines.
 
At the same time, I am acutely aware that it benefits no one if I just criticize current practices and do not come up with concrete, more effective recommendations.   Yesterday I wrote about the need to get honest with myself about my biases about people, situations and such concepts of justice if I am to earn the right to offer an opinion about the next step in addressing some of these issues.
 
Serendipitously, this week’s podcast of On Being is the conversation that Krista Tippett had on December 25, 2016 with Gordon Hempton the acoustic ecologist – a collector of sound all over the world. He “is founder and vice president of the one Square Inch of Silence Foundation based in Joyce, Washington.  His books include One Square Inch of Silence: One Man’s Quest to Preserve Quiet, co-authored with John Grossman, and Earth is a Solar Powered Jukebox: A Complete Guide to Listening, Recording and  Sound Designing with Nature.”
 
Mrs. Tippett quotes Mr. Hempton as saying, “He defines real quiet as presence – not an absence of sound, but an absence of noise.”
Later in the interview Mr. Hempton says:
 
“…I had been paying a lot of attention to people, but I really hadn't been paying a lot of attention to what is all around me. It was on that day that I really discovered what it means to be alive as another animal in a natural place. That changed my life. I had one question and that was how could I be 27 years old and have never truly listened before? I knew, for me, I was living life incredibly wrong, so I abandoned all my plans, I dropped out of graduate school, I moved to Seattle, took my day job as a bike messenger and only had one goal, and that was to become a better listener.
 
Although Mr. Hempton is often talking about the external noise one invites into one’s life, in order to listen one must, of course, silence the internal noise which prevents one from listening to oneself as well as to all parts of nature including other people.
 
Mr. Hempton suggests that hearing is one of the primary skills that humans possess.  He maintains that  blindness is less of a handicap than deafness.    We know, of course, that blind people learn to function amazingly well by sharpening their hearing ability.  Those who are deaf rely more on their sight, but their experience of the world  and  how they process that experience in their brain is greatly altered – perhaps more so than the blind person.
 
I am fully aware that we must train ourselves to become selective  to what we attend whether that be via our sense of sight, hearing, smell or taste.   Some of the earlier hearing aids did not allow one to filter noise and, thus, did not work well in a public place where they might be a lot of people or other noise. The person not could hear the voice of the person(s) whom they were attempting to converse with because of the other noise.
 
That having been said, even without particular deficits, most of us humans do not know listen well.  We are frequently busy planning our response even before another person finishes speaking.  I have been in professional training sessions in which I and my colleagues were tested on our listening skills.  On the whole, even this group of people who are paid to listen did not do well.  For the most part there is so much noise  going on in our heads that we have a great deal of trouble hearing.    Even when we are attempting to honestly listen to ourselves we do not do well. It is difficult for most of us to let go of the preconceived notions or biases.  We all have more than one voice in our brain but our habits of thinking or our habits of believing what we have previously learned is very powerful.   These formerly internalized truths limit our ability to identify biases and to consider new, creative solutions. 
 
Thus, my first task in exploring new approaches and potentially creative approaches of dealing with those whose mental illness or other conditions lead to violence and other illegal acts is to accept that my biases will make this very difficult.   I must allow for the possibility that many of my perhaps dearly held beliefs about both the cause and the solution are not accurate or workable.
 
The first task then is to begin to list what I think I know or what I have previously accepted as the truth.  These include:
 

• Punishment per se is not an effective change agent.
• Many cases of mental illness can be effectively treated.
• Treatment is long term more cost effective than long term incarceration.
• Addiction to some substances and some behaviors is treatable although it is a chronic illness and requires repeated treatment.
• Those accurately diagnosed as sociopaths and psychopath may not respond well to treatment regimens currently available.
• Sexual addiction is also a chronic condition which may require repeated treatment.
• Those diagnosed with conditions such as pedophilia do not historically respond well to treatment.
• No one consciously decides to be an addict or to be mentally although some people may make decision which trigger active addiction or other conditions.
• Manufacture of equipment and facilities for prisons is an enormous and very profitable business. One might say that addiction to money gained as a result of high demand is addictive.
• Treating those with a prison record as second class citizen does not lead to individuals having a steak in creating a safe, non-violent community.
• There are those who are “hardened” criminals by the time that they are teenagers and who are not amenable to treatment. They also harm treatment staff.  Fear may, at times, be an appropriate response to certain individuals.
• Society condones behavior if it is determined to be for the good of the community and condemns the same if it is not considered good for the community.  Crime is determined by community standards and not be behavior per se.
• We know very little about why sexual crimes are both so frequent and frightening and, thus, so harshly judged.
• Money can buy justice in many cases, but not all.
• Individuals may have conditions which make it impossible for them to consider the needs of others or allow them to care about the effect on others.
• Current laws protect freedom of some even when it puts the sick person or others in danger.
• Miracles are possible – many people can change and many are treatable even after years of anti-social behavior.
• Programs such as Homeboy industries in Los Angeles are effective for many.
• Work of Father Greg Boyle who began Homeboy Industries and  that of Dr. Gary Slutkin (treating violence as a contagious disease) needs further study and possible implementation.
• Conditions such as drug abuse addiction are systematic diseases.

 
 
The next step is to take each one of these internalized “truths” and enlist the help and knowledge of others to access the evidence for or against them.   The bottom line is that we/I must become more scientific in our approach. That means that we always begin with the null hypotheses – the assumption that there is no relationship between behavior X and assumption Y.
 
For me and I think for us a community this approach would be a good place to start – not a comfortable place but a more effective place.
 
Written December 30, 2016
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Sunday musings – New Year’s Day 2017
 
I recall a time – just a few days ago I am sure – when 2017 seemed a very long distance to travel.   As a teenager, I so “desperately” wanted to be an adult. Those were the years 1953 through 1959. Then as a young adult I was eager to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. Again, I “desperately” wanted the respect and perhaps even the admiration of others.  I had yet to internalize the truth that I had all I needed to gain self-respect which is all that really counts.   And so, it went, seldom being fully present at any stage of life because I was so focused on the next step which was going to gift me with the luxury to be present.
 
2017 has arrived.  All those times when I was focused on the goal which was going to allow me to be have come and gone.  I have no specific educational, career or other goal for 2017.  My sole goal today is to gift myself with the sound of being- to truly hear what is present in this moment.   This, as I have recently written, will require me to:
·      Intentionally breathe.
·      Listen
·      Intentionally breathe.
·      Notice if I want to comment on what I have heard.
·      Intentionally breathe.
·      Be intentional about noticing whether or not I comment/react or dispute what I have heard.
·      Intentionally breathe.
·      Limit further comment to “Isn’t that interesting.”
·      Intentionally breathe.
·      Listen
·      Notice …
 
Sounds simple and, yet, I have been conscious of this goal for many years now.  Once more I will gently remind myself that I am deserving of this gift.  
 
Given that a new political era is beginning this month, it will be a year which I am provided with many opportunities to be intentional about listening.  I know myself well enough to know that I will be sorely tempted to “add to the story” by pointing out the errors of the thinking and behavior of others.  
 
Breathe Jim, breathe.
 
Happy new year – welcome to 2017
 
 
Written January 1, 2017

​New Year’s Eve – 2016
 
As is true for many people, I have some traditions for today and for the first day of the  new year. I like to  put away holiday decorations and clean the physical space.   Since I had some free time earlier in the week, the few holiday decorations I had out are already put away.  I have started on physical cleaning and will finish today or tomorrow. I have also cleaned out the fruit bowl and made fresh squeezed orange juice and apple sauces.  I will  finish cleaning  and scrubbing the inside of the refrigerator. While cleaning, I will take note of the stack of books that I “had to have” but have yet to finish reading. There is also the stack of correspondence courses I want to soon complete so that I have all the continuing education credits I need to renew my professional license this year.  Just as important is an attempt to gain new or revised knowledge/professional guesses about treatment options for various addiction and mental health illnesses. 
 
The other areas of cleaning are emotional and spiritual.  This will involve the use of a variation of the 12-step program that this greedy person has borrowed from the founders of AA and which has been adapted for other additive disorders. I have  previously written extensively on the 12-step program, but being the human that I am, it is necessary for me to daily revisit portions of this 12-step prescription for growth and periodically throughout the year  do a more extensive review.  I do not need to share all the nitty gritty  and often boring details of the debris of my life which I will  attempt to scrub away with the steps, but here is  a brief outline of the steps:
 
1.    I admitted that I am powerless over other people, places and things.  When I try to control other people, places or things my life becomes unmanageable.
2.   I came to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.  When I try to go it alone and do not acknowledge that I am a tiny piece of a connected whole  I am unable to focus or maintain any semblance of sanity!
3.   Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my higher power as I understand it/her/him. If I do not behave in a manner which is in sync with the rest of the universe I cannot be there for myself for anyone else. It is easy for me to forget this and begin to think act as if I am a solo act
4.   Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  For me this means that I need to quit blaming others and focus on the decisions I made which are not consistent with my spiritual/moral beliefs and goals.   Holding on to them saps my energy and keeps me distant from myself, others and the universe(s).
5.   Admitted to God, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. I want to be honest with myself and honest with others.  Sharing also reaffirms my common humanness – the fact my  “sins/wrongs” are not  different than those of others.  I am not worse or better than others.
6.   I was entirely ready to have the God of my understanding remove these defects of character.  For me this means that I am letting go of my attachment to these defects/behaviors. I will not keep them in reserve just in case and then justify the use of them.  
7.   Humbly asked Him/Her/it to remove these shortcoming.  I remind myself  it is safe to breathe and to trust that I can let go – that with the help of my higher power and the support of spiritual mentors/guides I can claim the strength I need to let go of these behaviors.
8.   Made a list of all persons I have harmed and become willing to make amends.  If I have faithfully done this on a daily basis I may not find much remaining work to be done although the more open I become the better my “memory” for those I have harmed. 
9.   Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them and others.  If I have uncovered some I had “forgotten” now is the time to make those amends unless it would be harmful to do so. If I am not sure I can discuss with trusted friends/mentors/spiritual guides.
10.                Continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admitted it. This is one which can be frightening for me and, if not careful, I will look for ways to avoid by blaming others. If I get angry, for example I can “point out” what the other was doing wrong.  The truth is that I have committed to myself to work to let go of anger  and when I am angry and mean/unkind I want to take responsibility and admit my part in any negative interaction.
11.                Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, praying for His/Her/Its will for me and the courage of do the next right thing.
12.                Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I will try to carry this message to other and to practice these principles in all aspects of my life.
 
I also want to remember to silently thank Bill W and Dr  Bob for the gift of these steps.  Other religions/programs/philosophies have versions of these same steps.  They all offer basically the same, wise advise that deeply spiritual men and women have always recommended.
 
In my mind all of us are a work in progress.  I hope and pray for a clearer understanding of what it means to work a daily program of spiritual growth.  I also hope and pray for a sense of humor while I do so.  The lack of a sense of humor will stop me from growing and enjoying the journey one step at a time..
 
Written December 31, 2016