​Or not!
 
I have noticed that more and more often when I am communicating with friends, writing on the blog, or just allowing thoughts to roam around in this aging brain that when I say I am going to do something or something is going to happen, I unconsciously add the phrase “Or not!” I have not always been as open to changes in situations or plans as I now want to be intentional about doing.
 
I  have long loved the fact that kids quickly make transitions. If something does not go as they want they will seemingly quickly let go of that want or desire and embrace something new. Of course, as a parent and a person who has spent a lot of time around children I am well aware that if their dramatic angst is reinforced they will  learn to announce their “acute need” for a very long time as an attempt to get what they want or feel they need.   I am also well aware that if the distress is because of an essential need that they will use their limited power to call for help until their discomfort is relieved.
 
At some fairly early point in our development, many if not most of we humans, decide that we must have something;  we must be a certain way or other people “should” behave in a certain way.  We can learn to convince ourselves that our life cannot go on unless we have what we want.  Now, for the larger society, this can, at times,  be a very good thing.   For example, I have known artists – painters, writers, those who sculpt, dancers, inventors, musicians, and other professionals who have channeled that existential angst into wonderful creations or inventions.  The ex-painter boyfriend of a woman I dated once dragged me to his studio to show me the art he had created from the grief he experienced when Georgia and I were dating.   Certainly one cannot view the painting of famous artists such as Willem de Kooning without being aware of the power of his emotions.  Neither can one fail to hear the profound sadness  when one listens to the Symphony No. 6 in B minor, Op. 74, Pathétique by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.
 
Another common response of we adult humans to not getting what we want or think we need is anger - sometimes we plot to punish the  person(s) who we think is(are) withholding what we think we must have or what we deserve. Certainly we can easily find examples of this response.   All we have to do is to read or listen to the news.  We humans have tortured each other, dropped bombs on each other, told lies about each other, or used our power as judges or other positions in law enforcement to “show” the person(s) that they must learn to cater to our wants/perceived needs.
 
Some people use disappointment or grief as an opportunity.
 
A young man I met at the gym and with whom I have struck up a limited friendship recently lost his grandmother with whom he was living while he took care of her for the past eight years.   He now must move so the house can be sold to divvy up the estate among the heirs.  He also needs to find a job which pays more than the job he has been doing – the job which allowed him to care for his grandmother.   Although he is obviously grieving, he is also happy that his grandmother is no longer in pain and he now has an opportunity to move on to another stage of his life.  
 
One of the responses of  poet Robin Moore, to the Parkinson’s disease which forces her to change how her body functions, is to show up and enjoy what she can enjoy. She also writes lovely, wise poems which she publishes and, thus, shares with others. I heard her recite some of her poems on a Ted  talk.  For example:
 
"This Dark Hour"
 
Late summer, 4 A.M. The rain slows to a stop, dripping still from the broad leaves of blue hostas unseen in the garden's dark. Barefoot, careful on the slick slate slabs, I need no light, I know the way, stoop by the mint bed, scoop a fistful of moist earth, then grope for a chair, spread a shawl, and sit, breathing in the wet green August air.
 
This is the small, still hour before the newspaper lands in the vestibule like a grenade, the phone shrills, the computer screen blinks and glares awake.
 
There is this hour: poem in my head, soil in my hand: unnamable fullness. This hour, when blood of my blood bone of bone, child grown to manhood now -- stranger, intimate, not distant but apart -- lies safe, off dreaming melodies while love sleeps, safe, in his arms.
 
To have come to this place, lived to this moment: immeasurable lightness. The density of black starts to blur umber. Tentative, a cardinal's coloratura, then the mourning dove's elegy. Sable glimmers toward grey; objects emerge, trailing shadows; night ages toward day. The city stirs.
 
There will be other dawns, nights, gaudy noons. Likely, I'll lose my way. There will be stumbling, falling, cursing the dark. Whatever comes, there was this hour when nothing mattered, all was unbearably dear.
 
And when I'm done with daylights, should those who loved me grieve too long a while, let them remember that I had this hour -- this dark, perfect hour -- and smile.
 
 The point for me and I think for many of us is that although it is important to make commitments to events, tasks and people, it is equally important to stay open to the unexpected.  No matter how much “pride” I take in keeping scheduled appointments/commitments with friends, clients and business associates, there are times when ones of us has to reschedule.   There have been times when I just forgot an appointment, but usually my compulsive habit of checking my schedule and setting the alarm on my smart phone keeps me from being late or forgetting.  
 
As people such as Robin More or my gym buddy remind me, one of the gifts of chronic illness or the aging of ourselves or someone for whom we care is that we are forced to learn that it is important to plan but always know we might need to  cancel and reschedule.   Daily we are faced with the possibility that we simply may have to give attention to the needs of our body  or the needs of the person we take care of whether it is convenient or not.   If we are lucky  we allow ourselves to be okay with that uncertainly.    If we are really lucky we allow ourselves to be more than okay. We allow ourselves to be fully present to the new situation or schedule, just as Robin Moore is.   I am blessed to not only have access to the Ted Talk of Robin Moore  and many others, but to also have access to many books, including those of Ms. Moore.  I am also blessed to have friends such as Dr. Becky Johnen (check out her blog) who just this morning was writing about allowing her cats, particularly Tiger, to direct the morning activity.  Although the task was to do some filing, the cat decided to sit in the drawer. This is the same cat who she allows to play with the bed covers when her intention is to make the bed.  She often changes her plans to accommodate her body, another person, or her cats.  Becky, as is true for me, always has plans for what wants to accomplish.   Yet, it is always important for her to remind herself “Or not!”
 
During the AIDS epidemic which many of us were forced to deal with, some person or persons suggested that we quit thinking in terms of dying with AIDS and instead start thinking and talking with folks living with AIDS.  This was a huge paradigm shift which allowed a lot of people to get on with the process of living – for a day, month, or decades.  People still had to accept limitations and changes in plans, but now each change brought an opportunity to live with new plans/experiences.
 
I plan to post these thoughts on my blog one day soon.  Or not.
Actually I had planned to finish the draft yesterday. I did not!
 
Written February 5 and 6, 2016

​Perfection?
 
It appears that it is possible that Bnoit Violier, the 44-year-old culinary master whose tiny restaurant in Switzerland was awarded the highest Michelin rating – 3 stars – may have committed suicide.  Did he crack from the pressure of reaching and maintaining a standard of food and service around which as the restaurateur Erie Ziebold says, creates “an experience worth building a trip around” (NPR interview).  Obviously most of us will never have the desire or the money to build a trip around a visit to such a restaurant.     Most of all will not even aspire to make or spend the kind of money which will allow for a three to five-hour dinner evening which would leave us, at a minimum, several hundreds of dollars poorer.
 
Most of us will not publish the perfect book, create that Picasso level piece of art, be a sports player deemed near enough perfection to be paid millions of dollars, be the next Pope Francis, or otherwise achieve near perfection in our chosen field.    The reason for this is that most of us either do not have the level of talent or drive/ambition or  are not willing to put in 17 or 18 hours a day for any length of time and, if we were, could not maintain the sharpness necessary to approach that level of perfection.
Does it matter what level of perfection we achieve as long as we are reasonably productive, decent human beings?   What if none of us aspired to reach the apex of our chosen passion or talent?  Is the world significantly better off because of the Eric Ziebolds or the Bnoit Violiers?  Does it really matter if the Bnoit Violiers of the world live 44 years or 90 years?  It seems as if it matters. Many who cared for this man will experience his death as tragic because of his age whereas if he had lived to be 90, his life and eventual death might have been viewed differently.
 
It seems that most of we humans are viewed as either “acceptable” at best or a “throw away” who might have better served the world if we had not been born.  We will not create what amounts to a three-star Michelin rating or the level of income which allows us to plan a trip around spending an evening and much currency at such a place.
 
Certainly this a lot of be said for a Gil Shaham, a Joshua Bell, a Salvador Dali, a Frank Gehry, or the spiritual clearness of a Mother Theresa. Most of us, however, will not even aspire to become the next president of the United States much less have any hope of having the level of political expertise and potential skill or is it moxie to put ourselves in the position of passing the equivalent of three-Michelin star exam.
 
As most of my readers know I am practically addicted to Ted Talks. One of the attributes of Ted Talks is that it recognizes that many of we humans have something valuable to offer each other.  On Ted Talks one will find the Bill Gates of the world – those who have been and/or remain innovators in their respective fields. And, one will find those who make upslaugh or cry.  This morning, for example, I listed to Ismael Nazario talking about “What I learned as a kid in jail” and Harry Baker talking about and reciting his poems in “A love poem for lonely prime numbers.”
 
This morning I had also listened to an NPR story of the life and death of Bnoit Violier.   Additionally, I had listen to CNN news whose reports focused on the United States Presidential Campaign and war-related events such as the destruction of oil fields the proceeds of which were allegedly financing some of the operation of terrorist organizations.    
 
I was also informed by a person at the gym that our President had spent time lauding the enemy which turned out to mean that President Obama had visited a Mosque yesterday where he affirmed the fact that most Muslims, just like most Christians, want to create a more just and peaceful world.
 
All this is a backdrop for asking myself again today that essential of questions with which I must daily challenge myself, “What is my idea for or ideal of perfection for today?”  Another way of my asking that question of myself is “What is my spiritual goal of today?”   Could that goal be simply to be present to whomever I happen to see today or talk to today no matter what their political or religious opinion, their age, or their background?  Can I listen to that kid who has spent time as a teenager in the jails of New York where it is legal to treat all juveniles 17 or older as adults in the legal system?  Can I listen to the person who thinks that President Obama is visiting and supporting the enemy by visiting a Mosque?  Can I listen to the friend who challenged me to think of the merits of Donald Trump? Can I embrace the dream of someone who wants to provide a three-star Michelin experience?   Can I enjoy the passion and the fun of a mathematician poet?   Can I challenge myself to write even when it seems as if the muse is not visiting and I am not feeling as if my vision of perfection or achievement is worthy of attention?
 
It seems as if each of us must daily ask ourselves about our idea of perfection. Perhaps we will first have to ask ourselves the core values which will determine that goal.
 
Last evening, I was talking to a gym buddy about my admiration for the fact that he and his wife know enough to question how they arrived at their parenting idea and aspirations.  I was fascinated by the fact that he and his wife know enough to even ask this question.  Is that perfection?   Perhaps?
 
What is my best for today?  What is the wildest dream I can have for today?  What is attainable? At what cost?
 
Written February 4, 2016 

​Ubuntu
 
A woman I see often at the gym is an amazing woman of whom I am in awe.  I know her only as a person I see at the gym and as a parent of, if I am correct, eight children. Yikes. Yet, she makes time for exercise and is always or seemingly always in a positive mood without communicating a Pollyanna unrealistic attitude.  She just came up to me at Panera’s to say hello. It turns out she is also a writer.  I told her about the writer’s circle and gave her my email and phone information so that she and I can share more.  She said about our connection, “It is a God thing.”  Indeed, whether we call it a God thing or a principle of the universe that we would be drawn to each other, there is a seeming synchronicity in our life journey.  I gathered from what she has previously shared, she is also a very spiritual woman.  I do experience her that way.
 
Earlier I had been listening to a Ted Talk by Boyd Varty.  His talk is entitled: “What I learned from Nelson Mandela.”   When Mr. Mandela got out of prison he came to live with Boyd’s family. Boyd was then nine years old.  Later he would experience other very wise people who would teach him even more about the African concept of Ubuntu.    Wikipedia defines ubntu as:
 
 
Ubuntu UBUNTU means "I am because of who we are" (/ʊˈbuːntʊ/ uu-boon-tuu; Zulu pronunciation: [ùɓúntʼú])[1][2] is a Nguni Bantu term roughly translating to "human kindness."[dubious – discuss] It is an idea from the Southern African region which means literally "human-ness", and is often translated as "humanity towards others", but is often used in a more philosophical sense to mean "the belief in a universal bond of sharing that connects all humanity."
In Southern Africa, it has come to be used as a term for a kind of humanist philosophy, ethic or ideology, also known as Ubuntuism or Hunhuism (the latter after the corresponding Shona term) propagated in the Africanisation (transition to majority rule) process of these countries during the 1980s and 1990s.
 
It was not only men like Nelson Mandela and other Africans who taught him about Ubuntu and animals such as the elephant but also his friend and teacher named Elvis who had “been born with very badly deformed back legs and pelvis” also taught him about Ubuntu. He would observe the other elephants helping Elvis.  He says
 
“What Elvis and the herd taught me caused me to expand my definition of Ubuntu, and I believe that in the cathedral of the wild, we get to see the most beautiful parts of ourselves reflected back at us. And it is not only through other people that we get to experience our humanity but through all the creatures that live on this planet. If Africa has a gift to share, it's a gift of a more collective society. And while it's true that Ubuntu is an African idea, what I see is the essence of that value being invented here.”
 
Even though the word Ubuntu is new to me, the concept is not new. It is not, however, a concept I learned mainly from my European ancestors. It is a concept to which I was first introduced by my favorite aunt and uncle – Harold and Pleasie.  Some readers will recognize their names from my previous mention of them.   They were these amazing people who seemed to treat everyone, even children, as people deserving of love and respect. I spent a lot of time at their house and not once did I experience punishment. The emphasis was always on teaching and on WE.  Aunt Pleasie was a full-blooded Cherokee Indian whose family had been part of the underground railroad.  Later in the Tlingit community of Hoonah, I would again be introduced to another concept of community by my teachers - my mentors – David and Mamie.  They said to my wife and me when we arrived on the island, “Your son (then 18 months or so) has no grandparents close.  We will be his grandparents.”  Then David said to me, a then 31-year-old man, “And you, I will teach to be a man.”  David accurately assumed that at age 31 I could know nothing about being a man.   Every day thereafter I would go sit with him while he carved (he was a wood carver who had pieces in London and DC museums) and told me stories illustrating what it means to be man and what it meant to be part of a WE.
 
Still later, as a counselor working for/with people with addictions, I would be introduced to the amazing 12-step WE recovery programs of AA, NA, and OA as well as other recovery programs which used the steps introduced by Bill W. and Dr. Bob.
 
It is interesting that in studying philosophy at the University of Maryland, I would be introduced to concepts such as Rene Descartes’s “I think therefore I am.”   I recall many exciting opportunities to challenge my thinking about metaphysics, epistemology, and other areas of philosophy but I do not recall being introduced to any concepts even close to that of Ubuntu.    Even later when I completed my master’s degree at Princeton Theological Seminary, I did not “hear” or experience a sense of the WE which I understood to be the basic component of the theology of the teachings attributed to Jesus.
Although many of we humans may give lip service to the interconnectedness of all of creation, it seems as if we continue to take great pride in being a group of individuals who may “help” each other but who are independent and self-sufficient.  It is interesting to think of what changes in behavior might occur if we embraced the concept of WE.  No longer would be wage war, have battles over immigration while simultaneously using “the other” for cheap labor, or deny health coverage to anyone.  We would have to acknowledge that in waging war, we are committing suicide; in blanketing immigrants as undesirables, we would be denying our own citizenship; in denying universal health coverage, we would be denying health coverage to ourselves and our children. If there were no us and them we would all be a us or all be a them.  There is no I; there is only a we.  When Jesus said that when you harm the least of them you harm me; this is what he was saying.  Many Africans knew this long before they ever heard of this Jesus fellow.  Is it possible that we all knew this at one time?
Michael Burke in writing about Desmond Tutu, says in Church Publishing, Inc. 2009-Religion:
 
 
As defined by Archbishop Desmond Tutu, a person with Ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed. 
 
We have heard a version of this previously.  We may need to hear it many more times in many different languages and versions before we can wash our blood of the contaminants which have invaded it – the contaminant of the I which denies the we.  Perhaps!
 
Written February 3, 2016

​The political blues
 
God and Ted gonna  save me
From myself
Gonna make them terrorist 
See their bad aint’t my bad
New talks bout Syria
Donald gonna shut up
Those angry mouths
Hilary didn’t know but 
She got the word
Bernie will save us 
Oh my!  Got the blues
 
Got those political blues
Blues in the morning
Blues all night
The CNN news blues
I turn to Fox
It ain’t no muse?
Ain’t knowing what I can do
Bout those  political blues
 
Mikey done gave up the race
Martin  don’t got no place
Ain’t no match for the Bern
Who will give socialism a turn
Hil sure that she got the moves
No matter who disapproves
 
Got those political blues
Blues in the morning
Blues all night
The CNN news blues
I turn to Fox
It  ain’t  no muse
Ain’t knowin what I can do
Bout those political blues
 
I am writing on Tuesday, February 2, 2016, the morning  following the  Iowa caucus which is the first of the primary elections in the United States.  This presidential race continues to be an interesting, even though to some a frightening,  race to take over that impossible job of President of the United States.
 
Once I finished on the treadmill I am finished with my daily dose of television and I turn to Ted.  Ted talks that is.  This morning I begin with a talk by The Reverend Jeffrey Brown entitled “how we cut youth violence in Boston by 79 percent.” The Reverend Jeffrey Brown along with some others in the church decided to do something radical.  The set out to get to know those on the streets.  He says:
 
“And as we were talking with them, a number of myths were dispelled about them with us. And one of the biggest myths was that these kids were cold and heartless and uncharacteristically bold in their violence. What we found out was the exact opposite. Most of the young people who were out there on the streets are just trying to make it on the streets. And we also found out that some of the most intelligent and creative and magnificent and wise people that we've ever met were on the street, engaged in a struggle. And I know some of them call it survival, but I call them overcomers, because when you're in the conditions that they're in, to be able to live every day is an accomplishment of overcoming. And as a result of that, we said to them, "How do you see this church, how do you see this institution helping this situation?" And we developed a plan in conversation with these youths. We stopped looking at them as the problem to be solved, and we started looking at them as partners, as assets, as co-laborers in the struggle to reduce violence in the community. Imagine developing a plan, you have one minister at one table and a heroin dealer at the other table, coming up with a way in which the church can help the entire community.”
 
Although it may have been his faith which challenged him to do what Jesus and the Buddha and other spiritual leaders have suggested we humans do, it was not  because he was a minister that he and others walking and listening with him, began to open doors.  No, it was because they were willing to see the gifts, the talent, the courage and, yes, the love which the folks who had been labeled as no good, the bad people and the criminals possessed.   Once again, they learned what we humans seem to have to keep relearning. We are much more than the worst of our deeds or  than any of the labels which have been applied to us. The Reverend Brown ends his Ted Talk talk with reminding us of  an adage which has been attributed to various places in Africa including Burundi:
 
“Because the old adage that comes from Burundi is right: that you do for me, without me, you do to me.”
 
This sage  advice reminded me of some advice which is attributed to Nelson Mandela, “A good leader can engage in a debate frankly and thoroughly, knowing that at the end he and the other side must be closer, and thus emerge stronger. You don't have that idea when you are arrogant, superficial, and uninformed.”
 
In these blogs I have introduced the reader to other community leaders who have discovered or rediscovered the same truths which the Reverend Jeffrey Brown and church and street partners are leaning from/with each other.   These include  Father Gregory Brown who works  for/with Los Angeles Gang members, Melvin Russell  the innovated police officer in Baltimore,  Dr. Gary Slutkin who  approaches violence the same as he does a medical epidemic, and folks such as Pope Francis or Dr. Zoi Livaditou, the Lesbos physician who ministers with her medical talents and energy to refugees.
 
All of them set up to work with and for -  to form a partnership with people who others may see as a problem, criminals, or otherwise undesirable. 
 
I wonder what would happen to our political blues if some of us invited the candidates to be our partners in exploring ways to partner with those we now consider the enemy whether it is the enemy who thinks differently from others in the United States or those labeled as terrorists, Taliban,  or other labels?
 
I suppose that would mean that I have to see the political candidates as more than the labels either I have assigned to them or they have assigned to themselves. Perhaps, just perhaps, I need to set the example and invite dialogues between equals.
 
Written February 2, 2016
 

​The social contract
 
We humans can trace the written exploration of the concept of a social contract – implied, assumed, or legally codified – since the time of Plato although even if we look at early hieroglyphics, we will get a sense of community which implies some standards of conduct and agreed upon behavior.   As anthropologists research earlier communities or even the organizing principles of animal communities,  they identify clear understandings about the basic rights of the members of the community.
 
Early communities may have agreed on the right of its members to share such resources as food, shelter, heat, and access to the healer or shaman.  The basic right to be a member of the community was dependent on the stated or implied agreement to adhere to certain rules or expectations.
 
As societies got more complicated, members of the community who were later to be labeled as philosophers/elders/wise people  began to talk about forms/structure of government and what were considered basic human rights.   From Plato to folks such as Thomas Hobbes, John Locke, and Jean-Jacques we have explored the basic rights of individuals versus the stated or implied rights under the social contract.
 
In 1948 the United Nations created a document known as The Universal Decoration of Human Rights.  In thirty articles it attempts to spell out the basic rights of all we humans. Although this document went a long way towards facilitating discussions of how the world body could help facilitate a more fair and just community, the world has significantly changed since 1948.   Certainly, from space travel, cell phones,  internet, and the more effective treatment of certain diseases, we have used our creativity to both enlarge and compress the world.  The internet and cell phones have also, in many respects,  redefined community and allowed the possibility for most of the world’s human population to communicate with each other.   The internet and smart phones have allowed access to financial institutions and services which had previously not been available to many.
 
Yet given all  of these possibilities we humans have a long way to go before we can live more peacefully together.    It might be argued that there is an increased ability for terrorist activity, to use fear to control we humans, and for some of we humans to attempt to impose rules and restrictions on other of we humans.   There are some, such as the journalist David Rothkop (Ted talk – How fear drives American politics), who maintain that since 9/11 the United States has allowed fear to determine its National and International policy.  One might even claim that fear has allowed us to redefine what we consider basic human rights. From holding people in prison for years to the use of rendition to torture prisoners to much of the rhetoric of the current United States presidential debate, it would seem that the appeal is to fear:
 
      Immigrants- people from different cultures.
      Not being to own massive firepower/guns.  
      Changes in cultural norms.
 
Less often stated are the fears of:
      Working for years at a job one hates (between 70 to 80 percent of U.S. working population.
      The possibility that one narrow view of religion might not be  the only possible truth.
      “The American Dream” may not be attainable.
    “The American Dream” may not be something to be envied.
      Having created a world which we no longer have the illusion of controlling.  
    Everyone but me is to be feared.  
 
I would also maintain that perhaps more than ever we are fearful of  both poverty and the poor person who may seem happier than those who have a lot of material possessions but little happiness/satisfaction.
 
In the 1950s it seemed that many in the United States lived with the illusions that:
      As long as we could control the Russians we were safe.
      The interference in the affairs of foreign nations by the  United States was justified because we were helping to create a more democratic and Christian world.
      Attaining “The American Dream” was going to bring us happiness – a bigger house, a bigger car, and more of more was all that was needed to not only bring happiness but to prove our worth as human beings.
      That as long as we did not allow ourselves to see the alcoholism, sexual infidelity, unhappy marriages, and the ongoing slavery and oppression all would be well.  
      Tending to the poor without having to share with them since, of course, only bad, undeserving people were poor who we out of the largeness of our hearts would “help” (help is much different than sharing).
 
A cursory count of Think Tanks in the United states results in somewhere between 150 and 200 of them.  There are think tanks on:
      International Relations and Security
      Environment, Science and Technology
      Arts and Humanity
      Political and Economics
 
Despite the fact that these think tanks are composed of some of the leaders in their respective fields, we do not seem to changing our basic approach to crime, poverty, terrorism, and other issues which keep us from truly becoming a more global, sharing community.
 
On a Ted Talk by Mia Birdsong, The story we tell about poverty which isn’t true, she says:
 
“Desmond Tutu talks about the concept of ubuntu, in the context of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation process that they embarked on after apartheid. He says it means, ‘My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours; we belong to a bundle of life.’ A bundle of life. The Truth and Reconciliation process started by elevating the voices of the unheard. If this country is going to live up to its promise of liberty and justice for all, then we need to elevate the voices of our unheard, of people like Jobana, Sintia and Bertha, Theresa and Baakir. We must leverage their solutions and their ideas”. 
 
Ms. Birdson suggests that perhaps if we look closely we will notice that those we label as “poor people”  often already have the answers. They might not look like the answers we expected, wanted, or  those which will create clones of we “successful” ones.
 
Folks such as  David Rothkopf suggest that those presenting in such forums as Ted Talks might have more creative options than many, if not all, of the ones in so called think tanks.
 
Mr. Rothkopf also suggests that we might need to revisit such subjects as basic human rights.  For example, should electricity and basic access to the internet and smart phones be considered basic human rights?   What other rights might we consider basic?  
 
The document written by the United Nations in 1948 was an impressive attempt for that time in history.  Perhaps it is time to revisit both that bill of rights and the makeup of such institutions as The United Nations.
 
Most importantly, perhaps it is time that we begin to let go of our fear or at least quit allowing it to determine to determine our policy and behavior.  
 
Perhaps we could non-judgmentally agree some approaches are working and some are not. What if we, the citizens of the United States, took the lead in saying we are going to focus this political campaign on:
      Letting go of fear as the primary motivator.
      Recognizing that military actions are not reducing terrorists events/activity.  
     Realizing that the American (the United States) Dream may need to change – more of more might not be the road to happiness.  
      Respecting all religions as an attempt to discern a more loving and just way to live this life and letting go of the need to think that our way is the only way.
      Allowing for the possibility that the terrorists, the people in prison, and poor people need a place at the table and the power to help articulate issues and solutions.
    Designing our educational system for teaching basic and advanced tools for such action-oriented discussions.
 
Written February 1, 2016

​“Composing a life”
 
(The phrase “composing a life”  is borrowed from Mary Catherine Bateson, the linguist and anthropologist.  I was reminded of the term when listening to an interview by Kista Tippett on On Being with B. J. Miller the physician who is the Executive Director of the Zen Hospice Project and who studied art and design in undergraduate school.  One can also hear him speak on Tedtalk.com.   He talks a lot about designing or redesigning our life. For him that occurs often/daily,  but he first had to seriously think about this issue when he was in the hospital following an accident in his college years which resulted him in losing two legs and part of one arm.)
 
I had just finishing listening to  Krista Tippett’s interview with Dr. B. J. Miller  when I spied my six-year old-adopted niece coming across from the house next door.
 
Me: Good morning Sam.  It is a pleasant surprise to see you on this cloudy Sunday morning. I assume you have come for blueberry pancakes?
 
Sam:  (Gives me a big hug.)  Oh yes. Let’s do make pancakes Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Great.    Let me get your apron and then I will get your stool.
 
I tie the apron on and then pull the stool up to the counter.   Then I start to get out the ingredients – flour, baking powder, salt, sugar, milk, an egg, and butter.  I also get out a bowl, a large wooden spoon, the sifter, the measuring cups and spoons,  the electric grill, the spatula, and, of course, the blueberries.  Then I set the maple syrup in a pan of water which I will heat.
 
Sam:  Can I measure Uncle Jim?
 
Me: You sure can.    Let’s first plug in the griddle to heat and put 3 tablespoons of butter in the microwave to melt.  I do so.
 
Sam: Okay?
 
Me;  Now we are ready.   Let’s set the sifter in the bowl.  How about I read out the ingredients and you measure and put into the sifter.
 
Sam:  Thanks Uncle Jim.
 
Me: Here we go:
      1 ½ cups of flour
      3 ½ teaspoons of baking power 
      1 teaspoon salt
      1 tablespoon sugar
Very good Sam.    Now you can turn the handle on the sifter (fortunately the sifter has a crank handle which she can turn).
 
Sam:  Now what Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Here, let’s take the spoon and make a well in the center.   Now  I will pour in the milk, the hot butter, and the egg.   You want to stir?
 
Sam:  Yes, Uncle Jim.     
 
Sam’s stirs a bit but, turns to me and says:  Will you finish Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Sure.  How about you start adding some blueberries.
 
Sam:  How many?
 
Me: How about three  handfuls Sam?
 
Sam: Okay.
 
Me:  Here we go.   Let’s use this wooden scoop  to put six on the griddle.
 
Sam:  When they have bubbles it is time to turn Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Yes, but we will gently check to make sure that they are nice and brown before we flip them.
 
Sam: Uncle Jim, what does it mean to com..   to compoose a life?
 
Me:  Compose a life is what I think  you mean.
 
Sam:  Yes, that is it!
 
Me:  What makes you ask that question Sam?
 
Sam: Well mom and dad were listening to some program on the radio – you know how they do Uncle Jim because you do it too – and they started asking Paul and me what makes us feel good about our life.  Of course, I said ice cream, bedtime stories, playing with Oscar, helping at the soup kitchen.  Paul said x-box, hanging out with his friends, winning at wresting, having mom and dad tuck him in, and spending time with you, Uncle Jim. I am sorry that I forgot to say that first Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  That is fine Sam.  Look, it is time to flip the pancakes.
 
Sam: Then mom and dad said that as we grow up will have to make decisions about what to study, what to do, who to date  - Ugh! – and  all sorts of things.  They said that some people feel like life is like the big bad wolf and just eats them up! Paul and I laughed but then we talked about  the folks at the soup kitchen and even some of our neighbors who are unhappy all the time.
 
Me:   So what do you think the word compose means Sam?
 
Sam: I guess we need the dictionary don’t we?  Okay.  I will get it.
 
Me:  Good idea Sam.
 
Sam:  How do we spell it Uncle Jim? Kompoze?
 
Me: Good guess Sam. Sometimes the c sounds like a K.  It is c o  m  p  o  s e. Compose.
 
Sam:  Here it is I think.  It is this it Uncle Jim?
 
Me;   It is .   Let’s see what Mr. Oxford has to say:
 
      Write or create;  form a whole by ordering or arranging the parts, especially in an artistic way.

Late Middle English ‘put together, construct; Old French composer, from Latin componere (see component), but influenced by Latin compositue ‘composed’ and Old Frech poser ‘to place.’
 
Me. Here we go Sam.   You want butter and syrup on your pancakes? 
Sam:  Yes, please Uncle Jim.
 
I then fix us both a plate and put some more on to cook.
 
Sam:  Yumm. We did good Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Yes, we did Sam.   
Do you think we could say we composed the pancakes Sam?  Did we arrange the parts and then when they were done, did we take the syrup, butter, and pancakes and put them together.
 
Sam:  I guess, but how do we compose our life?
 
Me; Well, let’s look at your parent’s life Sam.  What do you think is important to them?
 
Sam:  Well, taking care of me, Paul, and Oscar (the sheepdog). Ttaking care of grandma, grandpa, mamma and pop pop, going to work, cooking.
 
Me:  They also go to church,  help our neighbors, volunteer at the soup kitchen, and they go to museums, read, and listen to music.
 
Sam: That is a lot.
 
Me:  It is a lot and they have to decide what is important every day.   Some of your friends live in really big houses don’t they Sam?
 
Sam:  Yes and the have lot of toys and sometimes a maid.
 
Me:   When you visit, how often is one of their parents home Sam?
 
Sam:  Almost never Uncle Jim.
 
Me;  And how often are one of your parents home Sam?
 
Sam: One of them is always there.  
 
Me: That is because they think it is important. They do not work as much as the parents of some of your friends do they?
 
Sam:  I guess not. Why is that Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Well, there is some luck but mostly they think that one of them being home all the time is more important than having a bigger house,  more toys, or a maid.
 
Sam: That is how they compose their life Uncle Jim.
 
Me:   Sam, you always amaze me!  You are so smart.
 
What else is important to them Sam?
 
Sam: Well, they make us all sit down to dinner together and cell phones ae not allowed.   That is true at Maria’s house too but when I am  at  Tiffany’s house, we can play with phones, watch television, or do whatever we want during dinner.
 
Me: So they make different decisions don’t they?
 
Sam: They compose their life differently.
 
Me:  Very good.   I forgot to get you a glass of milk. Do you want one Sam:
 
Sam: Yes, please Uncle Jim.
 
I pour her a glass of milk.
 
Me:  So when we compose a life we gain some things and we give up others don’t we Sam?   We make decisions about what is important.  Do we also make decisions about whether to be happy or sad?
 
Sam:  I don’t think so Uncle Jim.  I am just happy or sad.
 
Me:  You know that sometimes when you are sad you start thinking  of all the good things.
 
Sam:  Oh yes. I used to hate doing that but now when I think of the good things I have two feelings Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  So that is another decision isn’t it Sam?
 
Sam:  I guess so Uncle Jim.
 
Me: So we think of composing a song, a poem or  a piece of art,  but we also compose our life.  What if we took a certain colored crayon and make a mark for every decision?
 
Sam: Then we would have a painting of the life we composed.  Could we do that Uncle Jim?
 
Me: Yes.  Let me get the crayons.
 
I go get paper and crayons which I always keep handy.
 
Me:  Let’s see Sam.  What shall we draw first? How about love. It seems as if love has a big place in your family. What color?
 
Sam: Well it is almost Valentine’s day Uncle Jim    How about red for love.
 
Sam makes a big heart with the red crayon.
 
Me: Great.  How about taking care of others?
 
Sam:  That is easy. Yellow for sunshine.
 
She makes a big sun.
 
We keep doing this until we have a Jacob’s coat of color.
 
Me: Wow!  That is beautiful Sam.  Shall we title it now?
 
Sam:  Yes.  We will call it Komposing?  Oops!  Composing a life.
 
Good idea.  Oh dear. You are going to be late for church.  Hurry on now before your parents call.   I will clean up.
 
Sam gives me a big hug, picks up her painting, and waves goodbye.
 
I smile and begin to clean up.
 
Written January 31, 2016

​“My bad”
 
I just made a very unfortunate mistake. For some reason I was not thinking about the two-hour time difference between where I live in Florida and where my mother, who is celebrating her 96thbirthday today, lives in Oklahoma. I certainly know it is a two-hour time difference but in my haste to make sure I called her prior to doing some work today, I “forgot.”  Not surprisingly, despite her insistence that she is always up very early, she was still sleeping. As is the case with all of us, but perhaps more so as we age,  she got very confused and then fearful that she had overslept.   I then emailed one of my sisters who will see her today  and  let her know what I had done knowing she would have to deal with any fallout from the fact that my brain took a mini-vacation!  The phrase which immediately came to mind, but which I did not utter to my mother or sister was,  “my bad.”  The phrase seems to be in such common usage these days that it even come to the forefront of this aged mind!  This got me to thinking about the etiology of this phrase.
 
When I goggled it, one of the hits was the site “phrases.org.uk.”   There I was informed that:
 
This slang term originated in about 1970. At that time, that is, pre the widespread use of the Internet, slang terms often circulated at street level for many years before being adopted by anyone who felt inclined to write them down. That's clearly not the case any longer of course and any word or phrase that is widely known is dateable quite precisely via website logs.
The first citation in print is C. Wielgus and A. Wolff's, 'Back-in-your-face Guide to Pick-up Basketball' 1986:
"My bad, an expression of contrition uttered after making a bad pass or missing an opponent."
 
I certainly did not become aware of it until a few years ago and only recently was I consciously aware of how often it is used by others and now even by this old codger.
 
I was further informed of something even more surprising:
 
“Shakespeare used the term with something like the current meaning, in his Sonnet 112:
Your love and pity doth the impression fill
Which vulgar scandal stamp'd upon my brow;
For what care I who calls me well or ill,
So you o'er-green my bad, my good allow?”
 
Clearly in the example I am using this morning, I was at fault for calling at such an early hour and thus being responsible for starting the morning for my aged mother in a very, to her, upsetting manner.  None of us likes to be caught so unaware or to have someone “be present” via phone or in person when we are feeing confused, cannot focus and, thus, feel vulnerable.   That is a very uncomfortable feeling for any of us at any age.  The longer it takes for us to fully wake up and be present, the longer the discomfort lasts.
 
There is no disputing the fact that my action was responsible for my mother’s discomfort. I owe her and my sister(s) who will be with her today to help her get ready for the planned birthday celebration an  apology for “my bad”. Two of my sisters, who because they live in Oklahoma relatively near our mother, are the ones who assume the responsibility for helping to nurture/take care of her and calm her when she is feeling out of sorts for whatever reason.
 
I did, of course,  apologize to my sister who is likely to see our mother first or who mother is likely to call first.  I later also called and apologized to mother who seemed to not remember that I had called earlier.   She was anxious about the day since it included more activity that her normal day does these days.
 
The incident reminded me not only about the adoption of use of slang terms in each period of history but that often it is still the “young street people” who lead the way. Changes often begin with the young people who may assert their independence by breaking away from the larger culture with their own music, dress/grooming, and certainly language.  Eventually, the larger culture may adopt or co-opt some of those changes which then, of course, “…means that the “rebellious ones” have to find a new mode of dress/grooming, music or new language to differentiate themselves.   The “rebellious ones” might be shocked to learn that frequently what they thought was original was, in fact, originated by one of their predecessors.   Such is the case with “my bad.”   These same young people who are rebelling might be shocked to learn that Shakespeare had “been there, done that.”
 
Consider the phrase “There is nothing new under the sun.”  Even this phrase itself was or a version of it can be found in such diverse places as Ecclesiastes 1:9 (“the thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done:  and there is no new thing under the sun.” and Marcus Aurelius in Meditations: 
“Consider for example, and thou wilt find that almost all of the transactions in the time of Vespasian differed little from those of the present day. Thou there findest marrying and giving in marriage, educating children, sickness, death, war, joyous holidays, traffic, agriculture, flatterers, insolent pride, suspicions, laying of plots, longing for the death of others, newsmongers, lovers, misers, men canvassing for the consulship and for the kingdom;—yet all these passed away, and are nowhere.”—Craufurd Tait Ramage, Familiar Quotations from Greek Authors, p. 47 (1895, reprinted 1968). (bartleby.com)
 
One of the reasons why I appreciate the phrase “my bad”  as well as the above quotes from Marcus Aurelius and Ecclesiastes, is that they remind me that it is no big deal to make a mistake.  “My bad” says to me that, “Yes a mistake was made and an effort will be made to avoid that mistake in the future.”  This is no chest beating or dramatic acts of contrition.  We humans make mistakes. It will be very reassuring to self and others that I or you are going to attempt to avoid repeating the same mistake in the future but we do not have to act shocked or catastrophize the situation.
 

“My bad” does not make excuses, write a blog about  (LOL) the situation, or otherwise carry on about it    It says, “I own it. It was not intentional or, if it was then it was not ethical/appropriate, kind/helpful. I am not making light of my action, but I am not going to fall on my sword either.  You will either forgive me or not. I am going to forgive myself  and, if I need to and there is a way to do it, I will  make amends.”
 
Historically many speakers in the old and new Testament do not do well with “my bad,” but as I just pointed out with the quote from Ecclesiastes and some of the teachings attributed to Jesus, there are times when one is reminded that “my bad” is sufficient.
 
This morning I was reading the Tampa Tribute about the arrest of a police officer who fabricated a story about why he shot a passenger in a car he had stopped for possible DUI.  Fortunately the person he shot is not dead.  The officer is now charged with attempted murder. I have no idea why the officer drew his gun and shot the man even though his body camera clearly shows that there was no reason to do so (I am not going to herein address the issues of why we give lethal weapons to law enforcement personnel). Clearly the reason for the action of this officer needs to be determined.  Does he has situational issues, a historical issue with his temper, another emotional/psychological issues, or a medical issue?  I have no idea. This is an important issue.   Perhaps he is not healthy enough to be an armed law enforcement person.  Perhaps he can be treated.  We have, in this country, created a mood/atmosphere in which it is impossible to say, “My bad. I need some help.”
 
Most importantly, perhaps, I want to be mindful that often it is the young person who may remind me  of old truths such as:
·      Have fun with costuming/clothes.
·      Let your creative spirit roam free with art, music, dance, and dealing with social issues.
·      Focus on determining what it will take to not repeat the mistake/action.
·      Do not take my humanness so seriously.
If someone wants to engage in an extended discussion about “my bad” perhaps I can take a cue from the sign off of Porky Pig on Looney tunes,
'Th-th-th-that's all folks!'
 
Written January 30, 2016

​A play date.
 
Donny Trump, Bernie Sanders, Pope Francis, Hassan Rouhani, Destin Yellin, Dr. Zoi Livaditou, Yves Morieux, gravitas, gratitude, collaboration, productivity, and creativity.
 
The above is fascinating.  Most of the people or the terms listed above will need little introduction.  Donnie (Trump) we know is the outrageously outspoken presidential candidate in the United States.  Mr. Sanders is the quasi-socialist United States presidential candidate. Pope Francis is the very outspoken, radical by some standards, current leader of the Roman Catholic church.  Distin Yellin is an artist whose creations challenge to us is to get out of our boxes and relate to each other as people.  Dr. Loi Livaditou is a physician who has dedicated her professional life, which is also her  personal life, to helping others. She is currently working with/for Syrian refugees and has previously worked with Doctors without Borders.  Yves Morieux  is “A senior partner in BCG’s Washington D.C. office and director of the BCG Institute for Organizatio.  Morieux considers how overarching changes in structure can improve motivation for all who work there. (ted.com) Gravitas  is defined by the Cambridge dictionary as 
“seriousness and importance of manner, causing feelings of respect and trust in others”.  Gratitude as defined by Cambridge dictionary as, “The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”  Cambridge dictionary defines collaboration as “the situation of two or more people working together to create or achieve the same thing.”  Cambridge dictionary defines productivity as “… the rate at which a person, company, or country does useful work.” And, finally, Cambridge dictionary defines creativity as “the ability to produce original and unusual ideas, or to make something new or imaginative.”
 
So now we have spent several minutes of reading time on a list of what might appear to be unrelated people and terms.  The reader will undoubtedly be asking, “What is the point?  Why should I bother reading this?”  My main purpose was to demonstrate the process by which I arrive at what I will write in the daily blog.  Every morning various people, places, events, words, and concepts  begin to visit with and play with each other in my brain.  As is probably obvious, I do not ring up people on my smart phone early in the a.m. asking if they would like to visit with each other.  Just imagine if I had done that this morning.  The conversation might have sounded like, “Good morning, Donny (Trump). This is Jim Pickett.  Grab your morning coffee and get ready to visit with the president of Iran, the Pope, Dr. Livaditou, Mr. Morieux, and Mr. Yellin. You all will be talking about gravitas, gratitude, collaboration, productivity, and creativity.  No, no, we are not going to be talking about why you have refused to participate in the Republican Presidential candidate debate now because it is being moderated by Megyn Kelly.  I know you do not think she will treat you fairly! What? What did you say? You think it will be more fun to tell the Pope how messed up his thinking is?  Oh dear.  Excuse me a minute?  What is that your excellency, Pope Francis?  You are eager to  play with Mr. Yellin?  You have your coveralls on to play in? Oh, very good you excellency!  Oh, excuse me.   Yes, yes, Dr. Livaditou.  I am sure that President Rouhani will  be happy to talk about more medical supplies  and other help for the Syrian refugee. Well, yes.  Do  bring photographs of the refugees.  Yes, I am sure you need a break. You are really looking forward to playing with Mr. Yellin.  Oh my!  He does seem to be emerging as the person who will  organize the time together today.  It seems everyone wants to play. Oh! It is a call from Mr. Marieux.    Yes, yes I can assure you that the time together this morning will be very collaborative and, thus, very productive.  Oh. Excuse me. Good morning, Mr. Yellin.  You are going to invite Mr. Trump to go a group painting of gratitude with all the other participants?  Oh, you want each of them to dance gratitude with another member of the group and then choose a color and draw it on a layer of glass?  Really.  What is that?  You are going to put all the creations  in a pot to represent a box, heat it until all the glass melts and plays together, let it cool until it is a lump and, thus, another box? Then you want them to what?  Use movement/dance to demonstrate non-verbally how this new combination which is all of us will live and work together.  Really?  It should be quite an interesting morning. Oh! You think it will evoke a new level of gravitas for the ability of we humans to play nice together.  Well,  I am looking forward to this time together.”
 
Written January 27, 2016
 

​Twelve-year old Paul explores listening
 
I love the time of the winter season when it is beginning to be obvious that daylight is winning.  It seems for a long time it is dark when I arise in the morning and it is dark when I go to bed. Then one morning I get up and by the time I am ready to go to the gym, it is beginning to be more light than darkness.  By the time I leave the gym until well past my dinner hour, the light has pushed out the darkness.   There is not only more light but there is an energy which many of us associate with the approaching spring. Everything is new and we can make a fresh start every day. 
 
Thus it was that I could see my 12-year-old friend coming across the path from the house next door.
 
Me:  Good morning, Paul.  It is so good to see you.  What would you like to drink?
 
Paul:  Could we make fresh orange juice Uncle Jim?  Do you have oranges?
 
Me:  I do and we can. Come on in Paul.
 
I get the Electric juicer out and plug it in.  I also got  the lovely pottery pitcher my potter friend M made some time ago. Wonderful blues, greens, and hints of yellows play with each other on the surface of the pitcher
 
 
Me:  Paul, why don’t you bring a dozen oranges over here to the cutting board.
 
Paul is now old enough I feel confident that he can safely cut the oranges and hold each half on the top of the juicer which it rotates and extracts the juice. 
 
Paul:   Shall I do all 12 Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  I think so Paul.
 
Soon the job is done.   Paul puts the orange remains in the compost pan and I wash the juicer parts.  
 
Paul very carefully pours two glasses of orange juice. More and more often I notice that he is considerate of others. I know that may temporarily change again as he begins to cope with all the physical and emotional changes of the teen years.
 
Paul:  We have to  give a talk at school on listening and mpathetic.  No, that is not right  Wait!   I have it written down.
 
While Paul is looking for where he has written down the assignment.  I write the words listening and empathetic on the small blackboard in the kitchen.
 
Paul:  Here it is Uncle Jim – listening and e m pathi ic
Me:  Empathic. Here.  I will write the diacritical marking on the board.   Empathy - empathic
 
Paul:  Empathy?
 
Me:  Yes, the ability of empathy which allows on to be empathic. Great. Do we need to look it up in the dictionary before we start?
 
Paul:  I guess.  I will get the big dictionary.
 
Paul gets the big dictionary off the shelf.
 
Paul:  Here it is Uncle Jim.
Empathy
The ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
 
Me:  What do you think understand means?
 
Paul.  Well, when you told me to get the oranges I understood you.
 
Me:  Yes, that is part of it but what if I said I feel sad because my friend Tony is sick.  
 
Paul:  I don’t know Tony but I would be sorry that he is sick. I would be sad for you but not so much for Tony since I do not know him.
 
Me: That is very good Paul.  Let use another example.  If you told me that you were frustrated with Sam always bothering you. I would understand you and I could share your feelings although I am not frustrated with Sam. I do remember having a little brother who bothered me all the time.  You  have met my brother Ed. I really love and enjoy him now, but when I was your age he sometimes seemed to be a nuisance.
 
Paul:  So we can both understand what it means to be frustrated with someone.
 
Me: Yes and we both know what it is like to feel sad although we may not be sad about the same things all the time.  
 
Paul:  Listening seems pretty simple Uncle Jim. I do not need to look that word up.
 
Me:  It probably would not help to look it up but most of us do not listen well.
 
Paul:  What do you mean Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Well, Paul, often when someone is talking we are thinking of how we are going to respond. Also, it is important to know that we hear with our brain and not our ears.
 
Paul:  Uncle Jim, if I did not have ears I could not hear.
‘
Me: That is true Paul. We need our ears to carry the sound waves to our brain. Remember one day we looked at some visual pictures of the sound waves.   Once the sound wave reaches our brain we have to interpret what we hear. If you are speaking Arabic and I do not know Arabic, I will hear  the sounds waves but I will not know what you said. If I am deaf, I may feel the sound waves and see your lips.
 
Paul:  That makes sense Uncle Jim, but if speak English you will know what I said.
 
Me: Well, if you say something I know already I will, but if you tell me about a new song I do know or a new person in your class it will not mean anything to me. 
 
Paul:  But you still hear me uncle Jim.
 
Me: I get the sound waves, but I may have no idea of what or who you are talking about.  For example, if you are leaning about dark matter in space and I never heard of dark matter what you say will not mean anything.  
 
The other thing that we need to know is sometimes I think I know what you are going to say and that is what I think I hear.   Let’s take a small example. You have always liked blueberries in your pancakes haven’t you?
 
Paul:  Yes.
 
Me:  Let’s suppose you said I want strawberries and I was not paying close attention.  I might think you said blueberries because that is what I am used to hearing.
 
Paul:  Sometimes I think mom is going to say no because she always says no but this one times she says yes. I hear what I expect her to say.  Is that what you mean Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  That is exactly what I mean Paul.  You are so good at learning. I am so proud of you.
 
Paul:  Thanks Uncle Jim.
 
Me: Let’s talk about how we can practice listening.  It is an exercise called active listening. I am going to say something and you are going to repeat back to me what I said.  Okay?
 
Paul:  Okay.
 
Me:  Repeat after me.  Empathy means I understand and share what you are feeling.
 
Paul: Empathy means getting what you are saying.
 
Me:  No, active listening is repeating the exact words back to each other.
 
Paul:  No, active listening is …
 
Me:  Active listening is repeating the exact words.
 
Paul: Active listening is repeating the exact words.
 
Me: back to each other.
 
Paul: back to each other.
 
Me: Very good.
 
Paul:  Very good.  It is hard to remember more than a couple of words Uncle Jim.
 
Me: Yes, it is.   This is partly because we are already thinking about what we want to say. Even doctors and teachers have a really difficult time with this exercise.  I went to a workshop led by a man, Stephen Covey, who helped some teachers, doctors, and counselors practice. We were terrible at first.
 
Paul: You too Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Yes, me too.  I thought I listened pretty well but that was not true.
 
Paul:  Can we write down what we have talked about and then I can try to explain to mom and dad and see how I do before I have to do it in class.
 
Me: Great idea Paul.  Here is a 3 x5 card. We can write on it.
 
Paul:  Okay.  First we talked about empathy – understanding and sharing feelings, right Uncle Jim?
 
Me: Very good.
 
Paul:  Then we talked about listening – hearing with our brain and not our ears. Then we talked about active listening.
 
Me:  Yes. You are doing really well. Let me suggest we write it down this way.
 
Paul: Okay.
 
Me:  Here, let’s try this:
 
1.    Empathy
a.    understanding
b.   sharing
2.    Listening
a.    brain not ears
b.   hearing what we expect to hear
c.   active listening
 
Paul:  Thanks Uncle Jim.  That is called an outline.
 
Me:  Yes.  Here I will make a copy so that we have it just in case.
 
I use the printer in the study and make a couple of copies. I keep one and give the original card and copy to Paul.
 
Paul:  Thanks Uncle Jim.   I have to go now.
 
Me:  You are welcome.  Come back tomorrow and let me know how you are doing or if you need more practice.
 
Paul:  Okay. Bye.
 
Me: See you later. 
 
 
Written January 29, 2015