Grandma Says: “Giving up is not an option.”
 
As a child, I often did not fully understand the oft repeated bits of wisdom Grandma Fannie dispensed.   “Giving up is not an option” was no exception.   I understood that she expected me and my siblings to get our homework done even if we had to ask for help, stay up way past our bedtime or there were even more chores to do than the ordinary long, demanding list that everyone who lives in the country has to get through.   I also understood that she expected me  and my siblings to find a way to finish our chores even if they required strength that we did not yet possess.  After all, if one was creative one used one’s brain as well as one’s muscles.  A long log or sturdy piece of lumber placed under an object and used with a fulcrum could easily multiply one’s strength.  Carrying two buckets of water, dirt, feed or other matter created a balance or was a good way to divide the load.
 
As the same time, I was well aware that the adults in the extended family got divorces, changed jobs and seemingly never quite finished with many projects.   From my young, inexperienced perspective the distinctions between giving up, being intentional about setting new priorities, turning it over, stepping back to rethink how to approach some task or issue, or honoring the decisions of others eluded me.  A clear understanding of these options is not always self-evident much less evident to others.   For example, when Grandma and Grandpa Pickett got divorced I thought that they were simply giving up. The fact was that Grandma Fannie believed that she was accepting Grandpa’s decision to not honor the essentials of their marriage vows.   After some time out living in separates homes and even separate states they were remarried and remained married until Grandpa died.  
 
I also did not understand that adults have to come to some acceptance of the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. Furthermore, one has to, especially in living on a farm, accept that  many factors may dictate one’s priorities for the day.  Sick animals, births of animals, weather, illness of family members and many other factors could force one to reorder one’s priorities.   A child, other family member, or a neighbor needing to talk and needing help with children could cause a sudden reset of priorities.  A sick neighbor or a neighbor dealing with the death of a loved one meant that they would need not only physical comfort but a covered dish, help with funeral arrangements, or even financial help.
 
Grandma Fannie and a number of other family members were very spiritual people meaning that they were committed to walking the talk.  They believed that one had to examine every task in terms of their professed value systems which also, for many, was the same as their basic religious beliefs or the coveted beliefs of their Native American ancestors.   
 
This simple advice to never give up was, as were all of Grandma Fannie’s teachings, contained in the wrappings of the basic teachings about the meaning of love.   If continuing on with a project was going to bring harm to someone or meant ignoring the suffering of someone then one had missed the whole point.  While many tasks were very necessary for survival and for future “success” no tasks were more important a how one treated others.
 
While it was important to realize that one had to be patient and trust that one was stronger, brighter and just generally more able  that one might feel, walking around the man lying in the road so one could prove that one can complete a marathon was not an acceptable choice.   As a child, I did not know that stopping to help the man lying in the road was being true to a higher value and was not considered giving up winning the race. After all, Grandma Fannie would point out, “If you win the race and lose your soul along the way, you have lost the most important race.”
 
Even today when I have long been considered old enough to be an elder, I have to remind myself that love trumps task every time.  
 
Thanks again Grandma Fannie.
 
​Written  March 20, 2017

​Sunday Musings – March 19, 2017
 
This week was filled with many reminders that perhaps our purpose in this life journey is indeed two-fold:
·      To practice accepting one’s humanness on planet earth and all that that entails.
·      To practice lovingly and accepting humbly the reflection of our ourselves in the rest of creation, particularly other humans.
Many events of this week reminded me of these lessons. These included:
·      A cold which brought me to a slower pace and at times to a complete halt unable to complete the items on “THE LIST” or only completing them over a period of days rather than the time I had allotted.
·      An opportunity to quit lying to self.  I would tell my friend Becky I was, as she advised, completely resting only to then list the top 20 items that I decided I had to complete.
·      A visit by dear friends I have known for approximately 44 and 28 years respectively.  Despite my energy still being low I managed to fix a lovely meal here giving us a chance to visit and to then spend a day in Pittsburgh together.  We have practiced accepting our similarities and differences for these many years.  Well, I am not sure we have practiced so much as we just show up when possible, share details, opinions  and emotions without putting any limits on our unconditional love.
·      To witness the pain that we humans can cause each other by denying our reflective humanness.   I was honored to spend time with some calling themselves clients and hear their stories while bearing witness to their pain.  Every time I am thus honored I am reminded of the need to tell our stories to ensures someone bears witness to our pains as well as our joys.
·      Many reminders that we humans are both stronger than and more fragile than we sometimes believe.
·      To know that I have a responsibility to the body politic while ensuring that I am not taking on responsibility for the pain caused by the actions of others.   The serenity prayer often comes to mind these days.
·      The world does not end because I was not well enough to honor all my commitments to others, clean my house as thoroughly as is normal for me, or stubbornly attend that symphonic concert which of course, did quite well without all my constant coughing and sharing of germs!
·      Mother nature does her thing regardless of the wise counsel which I so freely and frequently offer.
 
On balance, it was both just another basically routine week  of  a very ordinary human– a blip – and, yet, viewed from the perspective of a star a magical set of interactions  - a dance both choreographed in motion.
 
Later today I will ride with friends to Pittsburgh to attend a performance of the Pittsburgh Symphony.  I will  allow myself to be absorbed into the dance of the notes on the various instruments which although directed by a very talented conductor will, at another level, be infused with the soul of each player. All those notes will then play and both  honor the original composition and, simultaneously create a new  composition which will invite each listener to add their own passion and silent reflections. That is the magic of this life dance.
 
 
Written  March 19, 2017
 

​“All reality is interactional.”
 
This is a quote from Dr. Carlo Rovelli, the Italian physicist, who was the guest of  Krista Tippett of On Being on March 16, 2017.
One of the examples he uses is a kiss versus a stone.  The stone, he says, is a thing.  The kiss is not a thing in that, once it has passed, one can point to and say, “There is the kiss.”   Yet, it was one’s reality and is certainly remembered as real.  If it was a forced kiss it may be remembered as a very negative reality. If it was a welcomed  kiss it is remembered as a positive reality.  If it was perfunctory it will be remembered as just that sort of reality.
 
While listening to this podcast I was reminded of the age-old argument about the sound of a tree falling in the forest.   If there is no one there to hear it does it make a sound?  Certainly, if there is no human reality but one would supposed to some animals there is  the experience of sound.
 
Mr. Rovelli is not, of course, suggesting that the stone does not exist but he does seem to be suggesting that the stone becomes real for a human as she/she observes it, possibly lifts it, pounds it into dust or otherwise has some level of interaction with the object we choose to call in English a stone.  Further and what is most important, perhaps, is  the nature of the interaction which in turn may set off a series of interactions.  For example, my interaction with the stone may result in an effect on someone else which  in turn affects others which ….
 
I was attempting to remind someone the other day that if person x experiences a comment y makes as negative, the reality for person x is that  the comment was negative.  Stating this as reality for person x does not say anything about the intention of person y.  It merely states the reality for person x and not an objective reality for everyone who might have heard the statement.  For some it may have been heard as a simple statement of fact.  For others, it may be being heard as a mirror for how they sometimes communicate.  The possibilities are endless.
 
The problem is not that reality is an interaction.  The problem, of course, occurs when one insists that reality must be agreed upon or shared.  If we revisit the kiss I mentioned earlier, if one person insists that anything beyond the fact that they shared a kiss has to be shared reality then an argument might break out and/or hurt feelings might arise.
 
I was very interested in the meeting between President Trump and Chancellor Merkel of Germany which took place on March 17, 2017.   Although one has no idea of what Chancellor Merkel was thinking or feeling, I was impressed that she seemed to be able to refrain from reacting to him.  She may or may not have heard some of this comments as negative.  She may have heard them as nothing more than an attempt  for a negative alliance.  She may have heard him as just being Trump and thus deserving of no response.   Her reality might have been that she must find a way to educate or work with this man.   If her reality has been that he insulted her or her country and she “had” to react, there would be no hope of eventually finding common ground and working with him.
 
I have previously written about the fact that we process sound, light and other stimulants through our brains. Dr. Rovelli is suggesting that if we want to gain a more accurate and helpful understanding of  the world we need to be aware that our reality is formed by our interactions and how we interrupt those interactions.  All of one’s preconceived notions about the world must be suspended if one is to grow in understanding and, thus, in one’s relationship to the universe(s). The very nature of physics – “the science of the nature and properties of matter and energy” (dictionary.com) requires a dynamic, every changing relationship. The same is true of human’s interactions with each other and the rest of “nature.”
 
Written March 18, 2017
 

​Right vs Responsibility
 
I hear these two terms being used a lot recently by politicians as they discuss health care for United States citizens.
 
One of the primary questions is whether access to health care is a right or a responsibility.
 
There has not always been fairly wide spread access to health care insurance or government programs such as Medicare and Medicaid.  There has always been community support via way of church or other organizations.  Sometimes this support is able to be very generous and sometimes it is much more limited.
 
When I was growing up, people in my parent’s income bracket only sought medical care (general medical or dental) if there was an emergency and possibly if a family member had a chronic medical condition or a condition such as pregnancy.   It has not been that long ago that one could pay the general practitioner in food from one’s garden or in other home grown products such as chickens.  If one did pay money then the fee was usually very low.  Occasionally, even today, one will discover that medical persons are donating some of their time to free care and one might find that rare health care person who is willing to barter or see the person for what they can afford.  Yet, most health care providers who are not getting paid a salary by some organization are unable to do that for more than a few hours a week or month.
 
Certainly, access to health care has never been equally distributed except perhaps in a small village environments.  It is important that we begin to ask what has changed and now results in terms such as right and responsibility being used when discussing heath care.  Actually, a great many things have changed including:
 
·      Doctors, nurses and most other health care professionals no longer gained the “credentials’ by apprenticing themselves to a mentor. Years of extensive and expensive education is now required.
·      The pharmaceutical industry has been birthed, refined and emerged as a profit making business for much of the world.
·      The design, manufacture and sale of equipment from surgical tools to hospital beds and sophisticated machines such as the MRI has flourished and is also a huge profit making business.
·      Modern communication and resultant changes in thinking have increased the number of people who are aware of the opportunities and disparities in health care choices and expectations for their family members.
·      In the 1930s the health insurance industry was born and was eventually one of the bargaining chips for employers and/or unions.  
·      In recent years, the concept of portability of health insurance coverage was born or at least introduced as a possibility for wider group of people.  This change coincided with the acceptance that few people were going to work for the same employer or their entire work life.
·      More people gained the ability to travel and to immigrate to a country of their choice – legally and illegally.
·      The concept of equality was fed, nurtured and grew with large number of people. The formal and informal concepts of caste, place, and even “God’s will be being increasing tossed aside along with sexism, homophobia or other forms of discrimination.
·      The success of the systems feed the system.  As more people live longer, more people require medical care.   One sees that in all segments of the population but it is especially easy to observe and study with veterans, more of whom survive combat with every expensive care, mechanical devices and other services.   
 
I am sure that I have neglected to mention some of the other chief factors which have brought us to this current discussion of who will or will not get health care coverage.
 
Within the context I am outlining, I now must ask what it means to be a responsible consumer.  Apparently, the definition of responsible varies from person to person or political group to political group.  The way it is currently being used seems to imply that, at the very least:
 
·      Responsible people are able to get the job which provides good health insurance for an affordable price or are able to make the income to purchase health care insurance for themselves and their immediate family members including children age 26 or under.
·      Responsible people do not have mental illness, addiction illnesses or other serious illnesses which prevent them from earning the income need to purchase quality health insurance.
·      Responsible people at any early age have an acute understanding of the need for health insurance and are not limited by a youthful sense of immorality.
·      Responsible people are not mentally challenged and they are still earning a very decent income.
·      Responsible people are not farm workers, artists or others who earn very little money.
·      Responsible people have heathy, loving partners or other family members who share in the cost of health insurance.
·      Responsible people are not affected by racism, sexism, homophobia, ageism, or any other form of discrimination.
·      Responsible people are not refugees or, if they are, they were wealthy in their home country and managed to take a lot of that wealth with them when they fled/left.
·      Responsible people always are either abstinent until they are financially able to have a child or always practice fool proof birth control.
 
The word “right” as it is being used refers to the belief that all humans who are citizens of the United States deserve access to health care. Yet, even if one believes this, one still has to question if that is possible in a society in which major portions of the health care industry are for profit companies who expect to be paid very handsomely.  By 8:00 a.m. this morning I had talked with:
·      A man whose granddaughter has cancer in one eye and needs very expensive treatment which she will get at a famous facility in New York.  The granddaughter is 7 months old.
·      The mother of a teenager who recently had emergency surgery. When he got home he needed constant monitoring for two weeks.
·      A friend whose young adult daughter needs long term residential treatment for addiction.
·      A man who has various medical issues, some of which may be related to his serious addictive disorder.
·      A young man who is living with a serious mental illness which often grossly distorts reality.  He needs regular treatment with medication and psychotherapy.
 
 
One could list many more examples, but it is only just now 9:58 a.m. and I am just listing examples I have been appraised of so far today.    Yet just thinking about the few examples I just listed, how are we to decide which of these individuals/families has a right to health care and which needs to be denied service?  How do we decide who was “responsible” enough and who did not make the cut off?
 
I suspect that we need to quit using “easy” words such as responsible which are not helpful, to quit claiming we alone know the questions or the answers and attempt to approach health care within the context of all the related issues.  
 
I further suspect that if we put aside all our preconceived notions and focus on problem solving versus ego building that we will begin to design a system which is multi-focused and begins to honestly answer some difficult questions.  Without some drastic changes in our approach to this discussion we will continue to decide that increasingly large groups of people are not responsible and have no right to health care without having to openly take responsibility for the death of those who do not have a right to health care.
 
Written March 16, 2017
 

​School Bells – Spring break
 
I am looking forward to Sam and Paul coming over to help bake cookies.  Here they come now.
 
Me:  Good morning Sam and Paul.
 
Sam:  Good morning Uncle Jim.
 
Paul:  Good morning Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Are you enjoying spring break?
 
Paul:  Yes, but I wish we could have gone to the beach like some of my other friends.
 
Sam: Me too!
 
Me:  Do you remember why you did not go to the beach?
 
Paul:  I remember Uncle Jim.  We had a family meeting during the break in December and January.   Mom and dad listed all the income, the regular expenses and then we knew what we had left over for fun or home projects,
 
Sam: Yes.  We decided that we needed to make more trips to help grandma and grandpa in Ohio. 
 
Paul:  Then there was only enough money left for one short vacation to the beach.
 
Me: Very good. Both of you voted for helping Grandma and Grandpa.  
 
Sam: They are grandma and grandpa and they are getting old.
 
Me: Do both of you want hot chocolate before we start baking?
 
Sam and Paul:  Yes, Uncle Jim. 
 
Paul:  I will get the cups.  Oh, you got them out.  Thanks, Uncle Jim.
 
Me: Boy, this will  taste good on this cold day.    Who wants to mix and who want to add the ingredients?
 
Paul: Sam what do you want to do?
 
Sam: I can start mixing but when all the stuff gets in the bowl it is too hard for me and you need to stir.
 
Me: Great.  I left the amounts right there since we have not done this for some time.
 
Paul:  Thanks.
 
(Paul starts adding ingredients and Sam’s stars stirring.  I put on the oven and get the cookie sheets ready.)
 
Paul:  How come some people have so much more money than others Uncle Jim?  Even though we cannot go to the beach for spring break we have a lot more than many.  Look at all the people at Catholic Charities or all the refugees.  It seems unfair.
 
Sam:  Yeah, Uncle Jim, why is life so unfair?   Are some people better or smarter?
 
Paul:  Some of our teachers say if we work hard we can have anything we want.
 
Sam: What about Sue who cannot walk or Ahmes who works really hard and cannot go back to Egypt and then come back here.
 
Me: Those are great questions.  Let’s explore while we get the cookies ready.  Both of your classmates are expecting cookies next week.  How is the stirring?
 
Paul:  I think that everything is all stirred up and ready to spoon on the cookie sheets.  Will, you check Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Of course.  Yep!  You both did a great job.  We three make a good team.   Here are the spoons.  Let’s start.
 
Soon the three cookies sheets are filled and ready for the oven.
 
Sam:  Can I set the timer Uncle Jim?
 
Me: Thanks.  Now about this question of why some have more money or more health than others.
 
Paul:  Is it just luck that we are born into this family?
 
Me:  I think so, although there are people who believe we make a choice before we are born.
 
Sam: Who makes a choice? The egg?
 
Paul:  Or the sperm. Oh, I am a sperm.  Let’s see where and with who I want to live next life.
 
Me: I don’t understand how a spirit or a soul could make choices but there is still so much we do not know.  I just know I feel very thankful to be part of this family and living next door to you and your parents.
 
Sam: What else do you feel thankful for Uncle Jim?
 
Me: Oh, me. I have a long list:  our health, our homes, our relationship, other people we know, that we can keep learning.  I could go on and on.
 
Pau: We seem no closer to deciding why life is so unfair.
 
Me:  No we don’t, do we.  I certainly have no idea.  I know that sometimes we get to make choices but even those are affected by other factors.
 
Sam:  What?
 
Paul:  Sam, there are accidents, diseases and all sorts of things which affect us. We read in class that lots of other things affect what parts of the brain are working or not working
 
Me: Thank Paul.  I know it is confusing Sam. It seems like we always have choices but that is not always true.
 
Sam: Does that mean if I forget to do homework or chores it is not my fault? I could say (dramatically holding hand outward over forehead), “Oh my brain was on spring break.”
 
(Paul and I both laugh.)
 
Ring.
 
Sam:  Time for cookies Uncle Jim.
 
(I take the cookies out of the oven and set them on the cooling rack and then put the next three trays in the oven.)
 
Sam:  So why is life so unfair Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Obviously, none of us  know Sam, but what do we know…
 
Sam:  …is that we are very lucky.
 
Paul:  Isn’t there some theory about survival of the fittest Uncle Jim?
 
(We start taking cooking off the trays and putting them on wax paper.  Then we wipe off the trays and begin to fill them up with more cookie dough.)
 
Me:  Yes, there are lots of people who think those who survive are the best part of us.
 
Paul: But hurricanes and other events do not seem to care who is fittest.
 
Me:  No, that is true, but there are those who would suggest that perhaps the fittest miss the events.
 
Paul:  That makes sense sometimes but it seems as if sometimes bad things just happen.
 
Sam:  I know.  If mom or dad got killed by a drunk driver today that would be terrible and just an accident.
 
Paul:  That is scary to even think about.  We can prepare for some things Uncle Jim.
 
Me: Yes, your parents and I have a savings account for your college expenses if that is what you want to do in a few years.  You prepare to have the option of using that by doing your homework, paying attention in class and taking care of yourself.
 
Ring!
 
(Three more trays of cookies come out of the oven and three more go in.)
 
Sam:  That is the last of the cookies Uncle Jim.  Do we bag some now for our classes?
 
Me:  That is great Sam.
 
Paul: Does every family talk like we do?
 
Me: Not everyone Paul, but I am very happy that we do.  
 
Paul:  We always seem to end up with more questions than answers Uncle Jim.
 
Me: Yes.  Sometimes attempting to discover the right questions is the biggest part of the job.
 
Sam:  All done Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  Do you want more hot chocolate?  
 
Sam: Yes, please.
 
Paul: Thanks, Uncle Jim.
 
(I heat the hot chocolate and then fill their cups.)
 
Ring.
 
(The last three trays come out of the oven.)
 
Me:  Look at the time. I promised you would be home by 2:00. It is almost two.  I loved our visit. Thanks.
 
Paul: Bye.
 
Sam: Love you Uncle Jim
 
 
Written March 14, 2017

​ 
The flesh and blood of novels
More than – Less than
 
On the side table, next to my favorite reading chair or the part of the bookshelf reserved for current reading one would find, among other books, The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson, Becoming Wise by Krista Tippett, Chasing the Scream by Johann Hari, Seven Last Words by James Martin, and S.J. Oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe.  One would also find a novel This Was a Man by Jeffrey Archer which I have just finished.   Although I treasure what I learn from some of the so-called academic books covering such diverse subjects as physics, neurology, philosophy, theology, history and psychology it is often to the poets or the novelists that I turn to be reminded of life’s most important lessons.  Such was the case with Archer’s This Was a Man, the final volume of the Clifton chronicles.  I finished reading the last couple of chapters while enjoying a light dinner.  The tears streaming down my face made it necessary to often pause. Why tears one might ask?  This was a work of fiction albeit some parts of which contained real life figures such as Margaret Thatcher. There is no reason to paraphrase the story the words of which needs to savored as Archer has written them.  The gist of the book in my mind was about loving friendships between two man who became brothers-in-law, husband and wives, parents and children and political figures such as Margaret Thatcher, a woman who is accomplished in her own right.  It is about the friendships that struggle with the political and economic issues with unrelenting passion on opposite sides of the political divides while holding on to a deep love and respect for each other.  It is about friends who celebrate each other victories and accomplishments.    In this novel, the author pairs those of individuals of exceptional talents and often inherited birth rights with those who arise out of a much less privileged beginning.  These are contrasted with those lonely souls at all social and economic levels of birth who, for whatever reasons, never learn to own their intimate connection with others and become what seem to the losers while trying too hard to usurp the place of the “winners.”
 
Archer reminds me once more that in the end all of us are both more than and less them our public persona.   Margaret Thatcher is not just a politician who some saw as unconcerned about many of the British citizens. In this book, she forms deep and committed friendships. She loves well and is loved well.  Others, such as Lady Virginia, want to be loved and settle for the pursuit of shiny façade and ends up with neither the love nor the respect of others.
 
In this day of sound bites, twitter messages, Facebook bullying and posting of nude pictures when one is angry at someone, it is good to be reminded that there is always a story behind the story; that nothing is as it seems, and that humans are capable of great love and quiet humility.  These were the reminders of the characters in Archer’s novel.  I certainly could have reread a very erudite philosophical treatise on this subject, but I might have missed the identification with people who felt like flesh and blood to me.  I am most grateful for all the novelists who find such a warm way of reminding me of what of what is important is this brief life journey.
 
 
Written March 13, 2017
 

​Grandma says: “Silence is golden”
 
Grandma Fannie was quick to remind her grandchildren that sometimes what was left unsaid was much more powerful that what was said.  It was not that Grandma Fannie was short on opinions or emotions. She was an educated and well-read woman.  As a self-reflective woman, I am sure she was aware of how critical and biting her words could be.  Fortunately, she spent a significant part of life on the farm where there was plenty of room to avoid other family members when one was feeling a bit emotional.  I suspect that, at times, the chickens, pigs or cows received the “practice speech” which was then greatly altered or discarded.    Grandpa Ed could also do his part of the dance by going out to the barn or some other place on the farm.  In fact, the barn was where he was banished to smoke in later years.  It was also the place where he might take a nip or two.  The barn was, I suppose, the equivalent of the modern man-cave.
 
When Grandma Fannie was telling her grandchildren, “silence is golden” she was not meaning to imply what some other adults told children, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”   In fact, Grandma Fannie often solicited the opinion of one of her grandchildren.     She was not fearful of disagreement or questions as long as one was respectful.  On the other hand, she was not very tolerant of the “smart alek, know it all”.    I found myself wondering what she would have to say about the use of Twitter or other social media sites to send out caustic or even unkind sound bites for all the world to experience.   I do not even want to know what she might have thought of the idea of sexting.   She was also a proponent of “If you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all.”    This did not necessarily apply to discussion about the so-called ideas of politicians who might not know their … from… Yet, I do not recall any below the belt statements or statements intended to impute the basic worth of the person expressing an opposite view.  Certainly, my grandparents, my parents and their peers often passionately predicted the end of civilization if so and so’s proposed legislation passed.  Yet, few, if any, took the disagreement personally.
 
I cannot ever remember a disagreement resulting in someone leaving a family gathering or refusing to say goodbye to whomever. It may have happened.  Certainly, I was aware that there were those family members who were seemingly in need of major prayers in the hope that God would bring them back to the fold.  There were also those family members who got divorced. In fact, Grandma Fannie and Grandpa Ed divorced and later remarried.  Yet, I cannot recall Grandma Fannie in any of her frequent letters to me ever once being critical of Grandpa Ed.   It was only after she died that I saw a copy of the divorce petition including the alleged reasons for it.    Certainly, if Twitter, Facebook or any of the other sites had been available she would have been appalled at finding any of that information broadcast to the world.
 
Even in a daily blog I have, occasionally, revealed more than is comfortable for some of my friends.   There have also been times when I have gotten so upset that I have said things that I immediately wished I could take back.    Yet, once said, the words are out there they are often etched in someone’s memory and heart.  
 
Once again, it seems that the more I practice the sage advice of Grandma Fannie and other wise elders the less garbage I have to clean up.  Of course, I do realize that there are those who do not see their Twitter, caustic sound bites intended to discredit someone as garbage.   Grandma Fannie would have respectfully disagreed.  In fact she might today be very busy sending people to their rooms until they can learn to play nice. Schoolmarm that she was, she might – just might – have them stay in their room until they were able to write an essay detailing the reason why such behavior was not good morally or for the body politic.   I would only  hope that the room has facilities and food!  Some may be there a long time.
 
Written March 13, 2017
 

​Sunday Musings – March 12, 2017
 
As usual I listened to this week’s podcast of on Being which was a rebroadcast of a 2014 conversation between Krista Tippett and Dr. Bessel ver der Kolk on “How Trauma Lodges in the Body.” While I want to discuss the general subject of trauma and how we can be helped to heal (not be cured) from trauma, this morning I am particularly focused on one of the statements Dr. van der Kolk repeatedly makes to wit:  And some of the most spiritual people I know are exactly traumatized people, because they have seen the dark side. In some ways, I don’t think you can appreciate the glory of life unless you also know the dark side of life.”    The past few week I have been ill with a cold - a common, minor illness which leaves one temporarily uncomfortable and without the energy to follow one’s normal schedule.  I canceled appointments with clients, set aside many house chores, and cancelled social engagements.  I also did not go to the gym and did not write every day. 
 
I am enormously spoiled and blessed, something for which I can take no credit. 99% of the time I am exceptionally healthy physically and usually able to function mentally (some might disagree).  I do not have to think about whether I am able to plan a schedule and execute all the items on that schedule. If not careful, I take these blessings for granted.  Yet, I work with/for clients who live daily with mental illness which may also be accompanied by chronic physical and emotional suffering.  At times the simplest task is beyond their ability to perform by themselves or they cannot summon the emotional energy to perform a task such as feeding or bathing themselves.   When I get sick, even with something minor like the cold or the flu, or something less minor such as HIV+ in advanced stage (way back in 1985) ,or diphtheria (as a young child) I am reminded:
·      To appreciate both physical and mental suffering.
·      That we can learn with the help of each other how to face and integrate past and current suffering into our lives.
 
Thus, the illness – minor or major – becomes a blessing.  I need these reminders to honor the disconnect that suffering brings and to honor our strength to help ourselves and each other reconnect.
 
Fortunately, in recent years there have been enormous advances in the treatment of many illness/conditions including illness such as PTSD.  One of the important lessons is that the relationship between the suffering person with his/her body, the relationship with a traumatic memory and the relationship with the healer/neighbor/fellow traveler are as important as some have been attempting to teach for a long time.  Running from our suffering never works long term.
 
Dr. ver der Kolk posits “And the way I like to say is that we basically come from a post-alcoholic culture. People whose origins are in Northern Europe had only one way of treating distress: that’s namely with a bottle of alcohol.”    Although taken at face value that may be an over generalization, but it does gives one pause for thought.  We humans and certainly many in the United States and other countries have long convinced themselves that one is better off denying or masking suffering with some drug, possession, or thing.
 
The bottom line on this Sunday morning is to be grateful that I know that I can face whatever comes my way and I face it better when I allow myself to stay connected with my own body and with others.
 
While I have been preoccupied with what I needed to learn from this simple cold, the rest of the world has continued to do whatever it must do. I must now return to a larger focus but I will again, if lucky, have a time out to be reminded of the lessons of even minor suffering and how to integrate that suffering in my body and my life.
 
Written March 12, 2017
 

​Punishment or teaching or ….
 
A friend and I were chatting this morning about the practice of punishing an entire organization or group for the behavior of one or a small group of people.  The example she mentioned is at an educational institution.  I remarked that I was not aware of research which indicated that approach was an effective teaching tool.  Yet, I am well aware that many institutions and many parents have used this approach. My mother, for example, seemed very fond of this approach.  If something got broken or spilled she would demand to know who the guilty person was.  Obviously one of us was the guilty party and just as obvious we deserved to be punished for our sin. Perhaps because money was dear and life was tough, accidents (otherwise known as deliberate decisions to be careless, thoughtless, or just plain stupid) we’re not possible.  If something got broken or spilled it was clearly the result of one’s decision to be disrespectful of our mother who had to try stretching the dollars or deal with the resultant mess (she did not clean up the mess, we did).  At any rate when no confession was forthcoming, the entire group of siblings was duly punished until the guilty party came forth. This meant either that punishment was continued indefinitely or the guilty party or the weakest was bullied into confessing.    Mother insisted that all she wanted was the truth, but we knew she wanted to hold someone responsible.   She had a very cause and effect sort of scientific mind. If something happened, then someone deliberately did something to cause it even it what one did was to be “careless” which covered a variety of behavior.  Eventually someone would confess and be “punished” while the rest of us cowered knowing that we too were going to be punished for not snitching.
 
This approach to dealing with misdeeds or accidents was not limited to home.  Teachers frequently punished the entire class for some accident or misdeed.  
 
Don’t get me wrong.  We children and certainly this child was not innocent.  Even today I am often guilty of rushing to do some task without any conscious awareness of having decided to rush. Not infrequently this results in my injury such as hitting my head on the one pantry shelf which is wider than the rest or occasionally breaking or spilling something.  I tell myself to slow down but that is one of those reminders which never enters the long-term memory bank.    Yet, I do not punish.  I already have a bump on my head.  I might remind myself to slow down or I might decide to change that shelf do that it is the same width as the others.
 
The theoretical basis for punishing a group of people for the misdeed of one or a small group is elusive – at least to me.  Even when, as in the case of the example my friend and I were discussing, it was clear who was responsible for the original misdeed.  Clearly, that particular misdeed demanded that something be done to make it clear that the behavior was not acceptable and that the decision-making process which led to the behavior needed changed.   
 
It seems to me that all too frequently in our role as parents, educational institutions and society as a whole our goal is to hold someone responsible and to punish at least them.   All too frequently, a new rule is made which affects or is applied to the entire group.  Occasionally there is a focus on teaching and not on punishment.   I applaud those that take that approach.   My Uncle Harold and Aunt Pleasie took this approach.  If I made a bad decision such as examining the hunting rifle before I was taught how to use it and quickly shooting the glass in the door or something else, their response was “Are you hurt?  Do you now understand why we wanted you to wait until we taught you? Let’s fix the door or whatever.”  That truly was their approach every time. I have no idea why they took this approach when no one else in the family did. Perhaps it has something to do with my aunt’s background as a Cherokee Indian or a member of the Self family.  
 
So, what are the likely results of punishing a group for the misdeeds of one or a small group whether it be in a corporate, educational or home setting?
·      The group will most likely become more secretive or sneaky in how they approach problems/issues.
·      The group will bully or otherwise mistreat those who were responsible.
·      The group will become fearful of admitting mistakes or problem.
 
What are the results of punishment in general? One has only to look at the behavior of inmates and staff in prisons.  
 
·      The inmates have their own government of hierarchy. 
·      They administer justice in a way which is similar to the institutional staff. 
·      They become more skilled in criminal or anti-social behavior.
·      They become less trusting, feel less a part of society and, thus, have less vested interest in working toward the common good.
 
I suspect that we all need to examine our motives before we react to a situation.   If we would clearly base our goals and our plan of action on solid research findings, I suspect that we would handle situations much differently and with much different results.
 
Written March 10, 2017
 

​Love speaks
 
Two men were recently talking about me.  The one suggested that the other expected me – the word love – to spread myself around like a harlot on Saturday night.    He pointed out that the other called me into duty regarding how he felt about many people, food, places, a new home, a piece of art, a wine, or an animal.   He signs many of his email or snail mail notes “with love J.”   He treats me as if I have no intrinsic worth and keeps me in the paperclip tray on his desk or so it seems.
 
The man who was pointing this out at least has some respect and does not expect me to serve the masses of people, places or things. I do, after all, deserve some respect.  It took me a long time to develop philautia for myself.    Oh, you do not recall the word philautia to describe love of self.  I suppose the phrase self-acceptance might have to be dragged out to approximate that word. English seems unable to recognize the nuances of my being.  At least my Greek cousins, eros, philia, ludus, agape, pragma and philautia did not have to be called into service to do the duties which rightfully are assigned to an entire staff. After all, is the chief financial officer, head butler or general expected to organize, represent the company at formal dinners while cleaning out the toilets.  Really?  Yet, that is what it feels like to be me in this English language.  
 
Since I have found philautia I have a business agent (actually the guy who was challenging the use of me).  If you want my service, you are going to have to make an appointment and submit your proposal for my service.  What?  That is not convenient. Too bad.  This is the price you pay for treating me as if I have no intrinsic worth. What are you left with you ask?  How about:  Your humble and faithful servant, very truly yours, affectionately, sincerely, I remain your most ardent admirer.  Personally, I don’t care.  I am not responsible for your laziness.  I am no longer available.  I love myself too much to be your all-purpose servant.  There you have it, “Love loves himself.”   I may write an ode to myself.   Let’s see.   How do I philautia myself?  Let me count the ways. 
 
 
399 words
 
Written March 9, 2016