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Gifts of Mother Nature - ready or not

3/21/2018

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​Gifts of Mother Nature – ready or not
 
Many of us can easily recall the game of hide and seek which we played as children or which we, as adults, have played with the children in our lives.  The person who is “it” waits and then announces “Ready?  Coming, ready or not?” If one is not well hid by that time he or she will soon become “it”.
 
Fairly early in life most of us learned that no matter what we do or do not do life shows up.  Test day arrives in our math class. That essay or book report is due.  Another birthday arrives.  One’s family goes through tough times.  Aunt Millie is diagnosed with cancer. Uncle John and cousin Tommy are in an automobile accident.    No one says to us, “Ready.  Coming ready or not.”
 
The good news, of course, is life also shows up with wonderful gifts.  This morning I was gifted time and quiet, which the snowstorm is bringing. As is true for most people I had items on my schedule this morning. I was planning on seeing counseling clients here in my home office.  Between appointments I was planning on using the computer to write my daily blog and to respond to emails and other messages as well as update some records.  All morning clients have canceled. There is the possibility, of course, that this very moist snow could result in down power lines. That would mean no computer work or no computer work, which requires Internet access or recharging the battery of the computer.
 
For many this snowstorm will present other challenges.  For example, some schools are closed.  If one is scheduled to work who takes care of the young children. Can one afford to call off work? Is it safe to leave a teenage child alone all day?  Is there a nearby friend or relative who can help?
 
When life shows up some individuals will embrace the changes, focus on positives and be fine. Obviously if a loved one has died or a child is suddenly arrested or overdosed, there will be a lot of tears. Some people are prepared to deal with even these tough issues and will soon be counting their blessings.   They will be like my friend Virginia who when her husband died after six weeks of marriage and left her a widow for the third time said, “Weren’t we blessed.  We had six whole weeks plus those weeks of getting to know each other prior to the marriage.”  Some will be the equivalent of Stephen Hawking who handled each successive physical limitation as a challenge. 
 
Some will kick, scream and wring their hands because their plans have been interrupted by “life”. For these folks it seems that any change in their life schedule is experienced as a major problem and/or a personal attack.
 
I am the first to admit that today it is easy for me to be grateful for the changes in my schedule and the quiet of the snow.  I will be okay financially. I am not responsible for young children or others today.  I have food and heat.  
 
I would like to think I have the courage and the faith of a Stephen Hawking or those in the death camps of WW II who created wonderful music. I will not know unless I daily practice greeting life as a challenge and an opportunity.
 
Today, I will breathe in the quiet of the snow, savor the gift of time and give thanks for mentors such as Dr. Hawking, Martin Luther King, Jr.  Maya Angelou, Virginia, the musicians of the death camps and a host of others.
 
Written March 21, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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The challenge of being non-judgmental

3/20/2018

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​The challenge of being non-judgmental
 
Daily, sometimes hourly, I am challenged by someone who has a different opinion than I do about gun rights, some form of sexual behavior, what constitutes justice, conducting a positive political campaign, the inequality of the distribution of resources, or any number of other issues.  The challenge is to respond in a way which is loving, respectful, and which encourages open dialogue.
 
Even though I have strong personal opinions, they are only opinions. They are not the moral “truths” I sometimes feel they are.   For example, I just responded to an email lauding the rights and necessity of owning and being willing to use a gun for self defense. I do not own a gun and do not plan on owning one.   I have, however, killed animals for food.   Animal meat has been a stable of my diet since I was a young child.  I no longer personally share the responsibility of ending the life of an animal (or even a plant) in order to feed others and myself, but I can hardly claim to be morally superior or even against the use of guns to kill for food.   On the other hand I have never used or threatened the use of a gun toward another person.  I was, however, when in the U.S. Navy trained to shoot military level weapons, including pistols and rifles who’s solve purpose was to kill other humans.   I would like to think I could not have shot anyone, but I was never in a position to find out if that was the case.
 
I have never gotten drunk only because after one or two drinks I became immediately physically ill.  I seem physically unable to get drunk.  I have never used recreational drugs because I was always very fearful of addiction and losing control. I can hardly claim a more high ground for this inability to put myself in the position to abuse drugs or becoming addicted. I did, however, become addicted to nicotine and found letting go of that behavior very difficult.  I often illogically defended my use of nicotine or used anger to defer discussion of this disgusting habit!
 
I have never been sexually attracted to children and again am very grateful for that blessing.  Again, I get no credit for this. This was not a decision but merely a fact of my particular humanness.
 
My point is that, for me, humility is about letting go of the belief or the felt “need” to know “the truth” or to delude myself into thinking I am morally superior because I do not had to deal with many issues or situations.   I do have a set of core values, which guide my daily behavior.  Fortunately, today my mind works such that I seem to be able to make most choices based on those core values. This is a blessing. 
 
The challenge for me is to move toward being less judgmental, noticing when I am judgmental and naming the issue as my judgmentalness rather than asserting that I am right and the other person(s) is wrong. 
 
I believe my worth/value as a human is about an openness to learning and connecting to what I have in common with all other humans and not about being right.
 
Written March 20, 2018
 
 
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Systemic issues or bad apples

3/19/2018

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​Systemic issues or bad apples
 
Today I want to introduce the topic of labeling addiction as an individual rather than a systemic issue.
 
I, as is true for many in this country (and other countries) get very frustrated with the number of lives which are directly and indirectly negatively impacted by addiction.  It is tempting to think of the persons addicted to alcohol, other drugs, food, and sex as different from those who are addicted to power, money, or possession.  Yet the primary difference is that some addictions are socially acceptable and, in fact, feed the machinery of our economic machine and some not social acceptable and drain the machinery of our economic machine.    In both cases, however, the addicted person(s) is obsessed with looking to something outside of him or herself to bring them happiness or to avoid pain of some sort.  All of we humans need to feel a sense of purpose and of belonging.  If we are unable to find that internally or spiritually we will look to something outside of ourselves.  When that does not work we may try “more” of some other person, place or thing to fill that internal void.
 
It seems to me that if we, as a society, want to acutely reduce addictions of all sorts we could explore:
 
  • Why so many people have a difficult time believing that they have a purpose other than just surviving until they die.
  • How we create an economic system which works well, but which is not dependent on many people working jobs for which they have no passion so that they can buy more stuff which forces them to work more hours at the job for which they have no passion which disconnects them from loved ones which forces them to looking for more stuff or something to numb them which.
  • Not acting as if addiction to power, money or things is different than addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, or food.
  • Not acting as if those who traffic in illegal drugs are different than those who push and traffic in legal drugs.
  • Not pretending as if incarcerating or even applying a death penalty to those who traffic in illegal drugs is helping or addressing the real issue.
 
Some addictions kill the physical body very quickly while other does so much more slowly.  Some kill the soul very quickly and some do so more slowly.
 
I have nothing against toys. In fact I love toys but no amount or type of adult toys – big house, expensive furnishings, expensive cars, boats or even motor cycles, technical gadgets, four wheelers, big trucks, guns, kitchen equipment or even books  - are going to give me more than momentary enjoyment.   None of these are going to give me a sense of purpose or worth.
 
The 12-step program is conceived as a spiritual program of recovery – not religious but spiritual.  The program offers individuals an opportunity to reclaim them and to find a sense of purpose and community.   Some religions may offer the opportunity to pursue the same sense of purpose and worth.   Yet, many are not finding that sense of purpose.   Many advertisements are designed to convince individuals that a certain product will give individual a sense or worth or internal peace.    None of these methods address the systemic nature of addiction of our culture.  
 
It is imperative that we offer children beginning very early in their education a chance to explore a passion, which gives meaning and purpose to their lives.  Furthermore it is imperative that this process
Invite children to be connected to a whole, which is inclusive – which is bigger than any one individual or small group.   We must all believe that we each have some creative piece to add to the whole.
The sense of purpose and the economic system must work together and not against each other.
 
 
Written March 19, 2018
 
 
 
 
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Sunday Musings - March 18, 2018

3/18/2018

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​Sunday Musings – March 18, 2018
Listening
 
I was reminded by the poet Naomi Shihab Nye in her 2016 conversation with Krista Tippett on the podcast On Being entitled “Your Life is a Poem”  of the importance of practicing the art  of listening.
 
Listening
 
How will I have a conversation if I have not listened? 
How will I know what the trees need if I do not listen?
How will I know what the wind needs if I do not listen? 
How will I know what you need if I do not listen?   
How will I know what I need if I do not listen? 
How will I know the questions to ask if I do not listen?
 
Much too often  I decide what I will listen for or to before allowing myself to hear. 
Much of the time I listen with only
       my mind
my heart
my eyes
my ears
my feet
Or I listen only to what seems comfortable
      
to me.
 
Sometimes  - not often enough it seems
I listen for the poem of your walk.
I listen for the poem which is your tears. 
I listen for the poem which is your joy.
I listen for the poems which is our story yet to be birthed.
 
Sometimes  I LISTEN
 
 
March 18, 2018
 
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Anger - Step 12

3/17/2018

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​Anger – Step 12
 
Step 12 of the 12-step program is simple and very clear.  It says:  “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others (addicts, alcoholics, over eaters, neighbors, etc.), and to practice these principles in all our affairs.” 
 
Let’s again leave the issue of the concept of God aside and not complicate the idea of what might it mean to have had a spiritual awakening as a result of  working the other 11 steps to change our relationship with anger.  For me spiritual at the very least means
 
  • I am more aware that we are all human and rather than striking out at each other we all win if we focus on building a more loving and just world together.
  • Other people, places and things are not responsible for my anger.  I have a choice about how to respond to all people and situations. 
  • I do not need to expect myself to be perfect but I can get better at noticing my anger before acting on it.
  • When I do get angry and dump it on another person(s) I can immediately attempt to make amends.
  • It is safe to let go of anger as a shield and to allow some others to see my vulnerability.
  • Winning could mean doing my best to be a loving person towards others, Mother Nature and myself.
  • I can practice the serenity prayer daily or even hourly!
 
Often when are at peace with our own journey others will notice and ask how this is possible.  After all, life shows up for all of us.   For some it seems as if one is forced to focus on the negatives of this journey.   They may think that the only way to stop being overwhelmed with negatives is to shut down emotionally.  One can certainly use anger to avoid feeling overwhelmed with grief. The problem is, of course, that we still experience the grief and we are also alone.   Not everyone understands the mixture of intense grief and joy at a wake or occasionally at a funeral home viewing.   The comfort and joy of sharing one’s grief and memories is wonderful. 
 
Much has been written about the report of many that the time following a disaster in a community is often the most joyful, spiritual time people have known.  Many report that for the first time in a very long time people have time to comfort and help each other.  For the first time in a long time it feels like a community.  
 
We can share our journey with others just by being lovingly present while not hiding our grief or our joy. If others ask how we did this we can share our method of staying intentionally present.  
 
The challenge is, of course, to practice these principles in all our affairs.  Sometimes I am not sure whether I am helping or rescuing a person.  I may not be sure if I am doing something for them or with them.   I certainly do not want to treat others as if they are helpless or without worth and, yet, I do not want to ignore that we all sometimes need a hand up.  If I am not sure what is helpful, I need to talk it over with a trusted friend, mentor or other member of my “we”. 
 
Always I have to accept that if I am not intentionally doing all I can to grow spiritually I will revert to old ways of using anger and blaming other people, places and things.
 
Written March 17, 2018
 
 
 
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Anger - Step 11

3/16/2018

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​Anger – Step 11
 
For those who continue to struggle with or cannot relate to a concept of God, step 11 might initially present a challenge.  Step 11 in the 12 –step program is:  “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”   Obviously the troublesome concepts are prayers and God.  If one does not believe in God one will have a very tough time with the terms prayer since it implies for many a chat with an being such as a God.     The concept of meditation might be easier for some.
 
I am hopeful that by this time in the process of using the 12 steps to explore our understanding of anger the reader will agree that anger directed at another person (s) or any part of Mother Nature is destructive and does not result in problem solving.  It might, as previously mentioned, be the initial motivating factor in problems solving.   I will also assume that the reader does not want to be destructive.  
 
Additionally, I am also going to assume that the reader will consider:
 
  • All one’s behavior affects others and one is affected by the behavior of others.
  • The goal is to act in a way which promotes harmony  - all the parts working together for the good of all.
  • Being present with a loving openness to being part of the universal harmony requires honestly, humility, openness and willingness.
 
Perhaps the reader who struggles with or outright rejects a concept of a higher power can identify with being peacefully present with an openness to what is needed for the common harmony rather than what one wants or feels he or she needs just for themselves. By common harmony I am not talking about the harmony or agreement of a partisan group.   No, I am thinking and talking about a more universal harmony.  What brings temporary harmony to a family, a hate group, or even a group of nations may be a harmony which is similar to the peace one temporarily feels when one is being fed by addictive drugs or some other addictive behavior. That peace is very temporary, often at the expense of the peace of others, and does not contribute to long-term universal harmony.
 
It might feel temporarily good to dump one’s anger on someone and it might even result in temporary peace of a sort.  If one frightens someone or bullies him or her into being quiet there might be the illusion of harmony for a minute, but it is merely the absence of visible or active conflict. 
 
For the non-believer in a higher power (God) step 11 might read, “Meditatively sought a willingness to be quietly and lovingly present so as to be open to that behavior which is considerate of the needs of all of creation and the strength to engage in that behavior.”  My anger is usually about what I want or feel I need and not about what is good for others or the rest of creation.  My anger may also be about what you did and not my role in what led up to your behavior.   My anger justifies my behavior by blaming another person or event.  Anger is often my temporary fix and not about making the world better for all of us. 
 
Just for today I will strive to behave in a manner, which promotes universal harmony.
 
 
Written March 16, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
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Anger - Step 10

3/15/2018

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​Anger – Step 10
 
Step 10 of the 12 step programs sounds as if it would be very easy.   After all, prior to step 10 one has done all the work of cleaning out all the garbage bags or closets in one’s mind which were weighed one down with guilt, shame, disconnection, loneliness, and a general sense of dis ease.  With regard to anger one had disconnected from many others and often from one’s own emotions – fear, sadness, joy, loneliness, and grief among others.   Surely, one would never again willingly want to feel the weight of the affects of anger for longer than it takes to admit when one was wrong and to promptly make amends.   Of course one also wants to quit the habit of blaming other people, places and things for not measuring up to one’s expectations.
 
The 10th step is simply:  “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”   In other words all that is required with regards to anger is set aside time to honestly notice when one is angry and to ask oneself the purpose of one’s anger.   If one has dumped one’s anger on another person (s), one can quickly make amends.  One can also then examine the reasons for make the choice to return to the use of anger. Some possibilities are:
 
  • Allowing fear of vulnerability or others seeing one’s vulnerability to make one’s decisions.
  • Fearful that others do not know that one is human and made a mistake or is struggling and, thus, cannot be loved or respected.
  • Knowledge that one is not doing what one needs to do to practice new habits of thinking and behavior on a daily basis.
  • One is out of energy because of HALT (low gas tanks – emotional, spiritual, physical, nutritional) and cannot process incoming stimuli. Anger is meant to push away incoming stimuli.
  • One thought one was cured of one’s humanness and no longer needed to daily take care of oneself – complacency or return to thinking/believing one is the center of the universe.
 
The last is one of the most common.  Time and again I head others say that as soon as they started feeling better that they quit taking care of themselves. The addict quit calling their sponsor, quit writing on the steps, quit going to meetings, quit chatting with the God of their understanding, quit exercising, quit making healthy decisions about nutritional intake, and quit spending time with family or other healthy friends.   In other words they allowed life to take over and pretended as if they were a robot for which one could just order new parts.
 
My experience is that I have to be daily committed to taking care of myself, which includes daily working towards being the person I want to be.  I am either feeding my mind of body the food of the general culture – television and radio ads, internet ads, and billboards which constantly assure one that there is a softer, easier way or that success is about making money, having status, or buying the brand name of something.
 
If I want to continue to make choices other than anger and/or to quickly notice when I am angry and take healthy action, I have to daily be intentional about all aspects of my care.  It really is that simple.  Sadly, being human, simple does not necessarily equate with easy.
 
Written March 15, 2018
 
 
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Anger -  Step 8 and 9

3/14/2018

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​Anger – Steps 8 and 9
 
Just as steps 6 and 7 naturally go together, so do steps 8 and 9.  In the 12-step program steps 8 and 9 are:
 
  • Step 8:  Make a list of all person we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  • Step 9:  Make amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
 
In this series I am addressing our anger and how it harms others and us.  Thus, for step 8 one needs to carefully consider to whom and to what extent one’s anger has been hurtful.    For example I just talked to a woman who was understandably frightened when a situation occurred which adversely affected someone in her family and for whom she feels responsible.  When she got frightened because it felt as if she had very little control over the situation, she got angry and lashed out at herself and everyone with whom she came into contact.  As long as she was angry she was not focused on problem solving and in dumping the anger on others she was creating new problems.
 
Often I have gotten angry or used anger as a shield to avoid issues such as my nicotine addiction which I did not want to address.  I constantly felt bad about how my smoking cigarettes affected others, but when they would confront me about this I would get angry with them so I could try to avoid my own guilt.  I used anger as a shield.  On still other occasions I got angry when I was feeling overwhelmed and could not process information well.  Rather than telling the truth, I would blame the other person for pressuring me.
 
Sometimes when I have attempted to apologize and make amends, the other person(s) was very generous and forgiving.  Other times the person to whom I was making amends was angry with me.    Some people have ended the friendships and refused to even hear or read my amends.
 
I have to remind myself that step 9 is not about how the other person responds or does not respond.  It is about me doing the next right thing just because it is the next right thing to do.  No matter how the other person(s) responds to my amends, it is important for me to, when possible, make the amends. If my anger was dumped on another person(s), then it was hurtful to the other person and to myself.   Anytime I behave in a manner, which is inconsistent with my values I hurt myself.   It is my goal to not get angry, but being the human that I am I will get angry.  My goal is to notice my anger and to refrain from hurting others or myself with it.  I may write it down and then destroy what I have written.  Occasionally a good friend may be willing to briefly listen to my verbal vomit if I am very clear that I am sharing it and not dumping it on them.  It is just a safe place to dump it and, for whatever reason, it may feel good to know someone is going to listen to or read it.  There are many other safe ways to dump one’s anger – music, art, and safe exercise such as boxing.  The goal is to not hurt others or myself and to then move on to letting go of anger,  problem solving and/or acceptance.  When I realize or admit that I am powerless I may, once again, need to return to step one.
 
Written March 14, 2018
 
 
 
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Anger - Step 7

3/13/2018

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​Anger – Step 7
 
Step 7 of the 12 step program is “Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.”  Once again for those who continue to struggle with a concept of a God of one’s understanding, it is important to give oneself permission to ask for help from those that one trusts to love one unconditionally and, thus who will hold one accountable. 
 
As is true for all behavioral and cognitive habits, change is an ongoing process. Thus, step 7 is not mandate to sit back like a lump of coal and wait for the God of one’s understanding, another person, or the personification of the zombie to snatch one’s character defects and then burn them in the communal garbage dump.   I may pray to the God of  my understanding, “Here is my hateful anger. I no longer need or want it.”  Five minutes later I might then say (verbally or non-verbally), “Excuse me, I did not mean to give away all of my anger. In this new situation I need anger. That is all the other person is going to understand. They are evil and deserve to be told how much harm they have caused. If they would just have done what they needed to do then I would not be angry.  After all, I was very kind, did my spiritual work and they just goofed off.”  One is quickly reminded of the story, a version of which most religions teach, of the prodigal son and his brother.  One brother wants to remind his father that he has worked hard while his brother has spent all his inheritance on various addictive behaviors.  The “righteous” brother says about his father’s decision to prepare a feast for his wayward brother, “You are mean and unfair.   I might as well do the same as him.”   The father chooses to remind the son who stayed at home that he always has him but the family needs to rejoice for the son who was lost and then found. I, too, can be very self righteous and judgmental.
 
We ask the God of our understanding to remove our shortcomings over and over again.   Many of us keep discovering new justifications or excuses to take back our anger.  Then we return to steps 6 and 7.  We have to keep asking ourselves if we are entirely read to have “God” remove all these defects of character
 
Someone this morning talked about those who keep working a 12 step program or some other spiritual program even after 20 or 30 or 40 years.  I  suggested that we keep daily working a program of spiritual growth because we know how easy it is to get off balance. Either we are moving forward or backwards.  We are never standing still.  Every day the prayer/the intentional commitment is the same, humbly commit to letting go of our anger and other shortcomings  - Every day humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings
 
The first word of this intention/prayer is “humbly”.   For me the word humbly means that daily I am making peace with my humanness and, thus,  able to  admit that I could easily return to the hurtful use of anger.  As a human I am capable of being a very loving, creative, responsible, fun being and I am capable of slipping back into being an irresponsible, mean, hurtful, self-centered, and emotionally distant being. 
 
Just for today, I humbly ask the God of my understanding to remove my anger.
 
(I am finding many of the You tube videos about working the steps very helpful.)
 
Written March 12, 2018
 
  
 
 
 
 
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Anger - Step 6

3/12/2018

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​Anger – Step 6

Step 6 of the 12-step program states, “Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of characters.”

Frequently steps 6 and 7 are talked about together.   Step 6 simply says that one is ready while step 7 is the action step.

Once again, some readers may need a reminder to prevent the reference to God to prevent them from using these steps to explore letting go of anger and moving on to claim the life one wants and deserves.  

Step 6, for me, is about my willingness to quit justifying my use of anger or blaming my use on anger on other people, places and things.    As I have previously mentioned, it is normal to be angry and anger can, at times, be a motivating factor.  There have certainly been times when I have been so disgusted with my anger or other behavior that I finally resolved to find a way to make a different choice.  If, however, I just stay angry I am not likely to choose different behaviors. 

A friend of mine says that he really wants to stop blaming other people for his anger. Yet, when he is very frustrated or sad because he cannot control another person or situation, he continues to resort to blaming statements and dumping that blame on another person. Ironically, his current frustration is related to the fact that the person he loves cannot divorce their husband.  My friend says that if the person he loves would just do what they need to do he would have no anger.  The logic is that the inaction of the person he loves is causing him to be angry.  I am sure that many of us have found ourselves using such convoluted logic to justify our anger. This friend is not yet ready or has not been able to change this habit of blaming others for his unhappiness.  At times he says that he is ready to let go of this habit and, at that moment, he really wants to quit hurting the person he loves, but he has been unable to consistently choose another behavior.  When he does give himself this gift he feels much better.

As is true for many of us, my friend does not want to have to daily been intentional about doing what he needs to do to change this habit.  I have suggested he can email or call me or another friends daily.  He can write daily in his journal to identify what he is feeling and the problems he is facing. In the case of the person he loves, the problem is that he has no control over the other person or the situation.  Thus, he would benefit from doing the equivalent of a step 1 regarding his powerlessness.

If one is ready to let go of a habit of anger or any other negative habit then one has to be willing to do the work to change the habit.  In the case of not being able to control a person or the situation one needs to commit to letting go of the anger/the blame – “Entirely ready to have God (of one’s understanding) remove these defects of character.”   Once one does that one is ready to move on to the 7th step and do the work of changing the behavior. 

Written March 12, 2018




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    Jimmy Pickett is a life student who happens to be a licensed counselor and an addiction counselor. He is a student of Buddhism with a background of Christianity and a Native American heritage.

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