​Rethinking guilt vs shame
 
Historically I have associated the concept and experience of guilt with what I often “heard” from the preachers and other elders in the Southern Baptist church which I attended until I left home at age 18.  Although their intention may have arisen from a passionate concern for the state of my eternal soul, what I heard was that I was a sinner who needed to feel guilty for being me. The sad truth seemed to be  I was this human who was either constantly sinning or wanting to sin or thinking about sinning.  Guilt was an enormous albatross which weighed me down and left me “knowing” I was unworthy.  I was guilty of having committed sins in thought, word or deed.  I deserved to be shamed.
 
As an adult who is a health care professional I have frequently been called to be an expert witness in court and to work with people  in jail/prison.  I have often heard from colleagues, judges, attorneys, and prison staff that those who have been convicted of breaking the law are not only guilty of crimes but deserve to be punished and treated as less then.   They deserved to be shamed.
 
Guilt and shame seemed to be large sticks with which to beat oneself and others.  That seems very wrong and counter- productive.    I decided that there was no appropriate role for guilt or shame in my life or the life of others  At the same time I have continued to experience an internal announcement when I do or think something which is inconsistent with my beliefs.   I did not adopt a word to describe the feeling which accompanied a word from I will call my conscience.
 
The other day I was reading Option B – Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant.  They suggested that there is a reason why in the Catholic Church, the confession is, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned” and not “Forgive me, Father, I am a sinner.  They go on to say on page 61 “Blaming our actions rather than our character allows us to feel guilt rather than shame…Although it can be hard to shake, guilt keeps us striving to improve…. Shame has the opposite effect: it makes people feel small and worthless, leading them to attack in anger or shrink away in self-pity.  Among college students, the shame-prone were more likely than the guilt-prone to have drug and alcohol problems.”
 
I have long noted that:
 

• My reading about and understanding of the teachings of Jesus tell me that he never shamed anyone. While he did not deny we could be very hurtful to ourselves, each other and other animals as well as the environment, he never withheld unconditional love.
• Buddhist teachers with whom I have studied often advise one to just notice when one has a thought or commits an action which is inconsistent with one’s best self. They do not suggest that one ignore or deny one’s thoughts or actions which are inconsistent with the person one is trying to become. They suggest that one non-judgmentally notice it. On is then free to have a different thought or take a different action.
• My study of psychological studies and my work with a variety of people for more than 46 years has confirmed that shame punishment does not invite positive change.
• The 12 steps of the 12 step program advocates admitting first to oneself and then to the God of one’s understand and another human being the exact nature of one’s wrongs.  It also advocates that one makes amends to others when possible except when to do so would injure them or others. The 12-step program never advocates beating self or others with shame.

 
It is interesting to me that I continue to discover decisions I made as a young man which may have been based on a limited knowledge  or understanding.   I had, for example, decided to pretend that I had thrown out the concept of guilt and shame.  The truth is that I had quit using a word which had become contaminated with what I now believe were unhealthy and even burdensome interpretations.  I had continued to attend to the announcement that some thought or action was causing me to be off center. I just did not name that announcement.  I now see that the word or concept of guilt is an accurate description of that process. I still choose to think that shame has no place  in spiritual growth.  Guilt can help alert me to the fact that I am off center. Once noticed I need to spend whatever energy I have to make the changes I need to make to further claim my own sacredness/my own best self.
 
It does seem as if emotional, intellectual growth is a simple, but ongoing process of identifying the “truths” I had previously adopted or internalized, examining these “truths” as impartially as possible and then deciding whether it is prudent to keep or discard them.
 
Written May 19, 2017
 

​School Bells- Current Affairs – Grade 1  - Week 37
 
Next week will be our last week for this year.  It is still unclear whether the school budget will leave time for this class next year.  Even though I am a volunteer, this is an extra class and the school staff might need to use the time for another subject.  
 
The young scholars were invited to talk with their families about a  deceased family  member and then bring in a photo and a story about that person. The goal is to help the young scholars begin to appreciate that they carry the history of their family with them.
 
They are now arriving
 
Me:  Good morning class.  Yes, I have cookies.
Sue and Tommy please pass out the cookies.
 
Class:  Good morning. Thanks Mr. Jim
 
Me: You are welcome. We have been learning that a lot of who we are is because of our ancestors.  Memorial Day is a day we set aside to remember and to honor our ancestors. I had suggested that each of you bring in a photo and a story about one of young ancestors.  Who would like to start?
 
Sue: This is a photo of my Aunt Sue whose name I have.  She died before I was born. She was my grandmother’s sister.   Grandmother is the mother of my mother. It sounds funny to think that my mother was a little girl one time. 
 
Me:  What did you learn about Aunt Sue, Sue?
 
Sue:  She was married to a woman Mr. Jim.  Mom said that in those days if a woman was married to another woman or a man was married to another man it was kept a secret, but Aunt Sue and Aunt Elaina were very brave and proud of their relationship. They ran a farm and had men working for them.  Mom says that I would have liked both of them. I want to be as brave as they were.
 
Me: Welcome to our class Aunt Sue and Aunt Elaina.  We are proud to have you.     Who else wants to share?
 
Ahmes: This is a photo of my Uncle Chuma.  He is a baker and when we lived in Egypt he would let me bake bread with him. He said put all the bad thoughts in the bread when we pound it and then magic will happen.
 
Me: What sort of magic?
 
Ahmes:  Did you even smell or eat fresh bread Mr. Jim?
 
Me: Yes. It is wonderful.
 
Ahmes:  It is magic.  He died and  I miss him.  Now dad and I bake bread and think of him.
 
Me:  Welcome Uncle Chuma.  So now you carry on his tradition and he lives in a sense through you. Who else wants to share?
 
Steve:  This is my cousin Dustin.  He was a soldier and died in a faraway place.  He used to take me with him all the time.   He was strong and funny and he could sing.  I want to be just like him when I grow up. I miss him.
 
Me: Dustin sounds like a very good friend and person. I am sorry he died Steve.  Welcome to our class cousin Dustin.
 
Sofia: This is my aunt Izabella.  She died a long time ago.  My mom says that he was a famous singer in Italy.   We have a lot of pictures of her singing.  She had this really big mouth.  Sometimes we listen to her singing on big round things. What are they called Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  you mean records or some people call them vinyl now.
 
Sofia:  My mother says I can take singing lesson soon.  I want to sound just like her.
 
Me:  Thanks for sharing Aunt Izabella.  It would have been fun to hear her sing.  I will look for some of her recordings.  Welcome Aunt Izabella.
 
Tara:  This is Uncle Stanley.  My dad says he was a famous bank robber  and got shot and killed by a police person.  My dad says he was not a good man but he was a lot of fun.  It is not good to rob people but my dad loved him.
 
Me: Welcome Uncle Stanley.   We certainly have a lot of interesting relatives. Who else wants to share.
 
Sam:  This is my great, great grandma.  She was my dad’s great grandma.  Dad said she was a preacher and lots of people did not like the fact that she was a girl.  He says that there have always been a lot of strong girls in the family and I am strong too.
 
Me:  What does he mean by strong, Sam?
 
Sam: He says that being strong is doing what is right even if no one else is doing that. He says he thinks I am a lot like her.  Do you think I am strung Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Yes, I do Sam.  You often remind me to be strong and to do something for someone else.  Just the other day I was about to pass up a homeless person and you  said we had to help that person.
 
Sam: Then you did and we took him to Catholic Charities where we volunteer Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  You are never afraid to tell me when you think something is wrong.  I see that as very strong.  Welcome to Sam’s great, great grandma.
 
Tommy:  This is Johnny.  He was my cousin.  He lived a long time ago.  Grandpa says that Johnny wife died when all his children were very young.  He raised them by himself. Grandpa said that a lot of people told him to give them away but he would not do that.
 
Me: I think that I would have liked hour cousin Johnny.  You seem like you are always the first to share your lunch or help someone who is having a difficult day.  Seems like cousin Johnny lives through you now.  Welcome cousin Johnny.
 
Susie:   This is my aunt Hilda, my great grandma’s sister.  She was still in Germany waiting for her husband to send money for her to come to this country. Finally, she was tired of waiting and make money to come here and look for him. She found him in a bar and pulled him out by his ear. Then she had 12 children and  then he died.  She cleaned houses to feed everyone.  She is dead now but grandma says that she is still our teacher.
 
Me:  Mercy!  She sounds like another strong, determined person.  So, each of us can learn from our ancestors and, in that way they keep living. When we share them like we did today, we all learn from them.  Welcome Aunt Hilda.
 
I am very proud of how well each of you did learning and sharing these stories. Memorial Day will be even more special for each of you and your families.
 
Next week is our last week before summer break.  How about we share what we liked or did not like about this class. If I get a chance to do the class again what should I do differently?
 
Tara and Sam please hand out the cookies and the assignment please.
 
Ring! Ring! Ring!
 
Me:  Have a good week.
 
Class:  Bye Mr. Jim.
 
Written May 18, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​ 
School Bells  - Current Affairs – Grade 8 – Week 37
 
The school year is soon to come to an end.  It is still unclear whether I will be invited back for next year  The state legislative has not yet agreed on a new budget, but we know that there will be cuts. Although I volunteer my time it could  be that this time slot will  have to be used for other purposes as school staff struggle to arrive at a schedule which both fits the budget and meets as many needs of the children as possible.
 
The young people are arriving.
 
Me:  Good morning class.   Before you ask, yes I brought cookie.  John and Will please pass them out.
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.  Thank you!
 
Me: You are welcome. 
 
I am eager to hear the results of your discussion with your families about how the world would change if we could have empathy for everyone in the community whether they are a CEO making millions of dollars or a really poorly paid clerk in a store. Perhaps someone could start by offering a definition of empathy.
 
Paul:   We looked it up in the Oxford Dictionary Uncle Jim.  It said:
 
“Empathy means ‘the ability to understand and share the feelings of another’…whereas sympathy means ‘feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune’ “
 
Me:  Thanks Paul.  In your discussion were there particular people or groups of people  for whom you had a difficult time feeling empathy.
 
Amena:  When our family was talking we had a difficult time feeling any empathy for the person who hurts children.  Mom suggested that we watch the movie The Shack which is based on the book by William Young by the same name.
 
Me:  Why did mom suggest that movie Amena?
 
Amena: In that movie a man is abused as a child and then his daughter is kidnapped, raped and killed.  In the story the man ends up forgiving his abuser and the man who abused, raped and killed his daughter.  Dad said that some have criticized the movie because the killer of the daughter does not, as far as is known, repent. Some believe that you only give empathy if a person repents.
 
Me: What do you think?
 
Amena:  In our family it is important to say you are sorry when you hurt someone but mom and dad are really sneaky.
 
Me:  Sneaky?
 
Amena:  They say things like “It is easy to lose our temper and say hurtful things.  We know what that is like.”
 
Me: Okay!  What is wrong with that Amena.
 
Amena:  Da!  They know that when they say things like that it is hard to stay angry.
 
Me:   You are suggesting that their empathy helps you or even forces you to talk about what you did?
 
Amena:  That and I know that they really mean it. Sometimes they get angry and are hurtful and then they apologize and we forgive.  It feels like it would be stupid to suggest that we are different.
 
John:  Dad says that when we think we are different and judge others we end up all alone. 
 
Me:  Why is that John?
 
John:  He says none of us are perfect and we all know that in our hearts.  If we act as if we are different we are pretending and end up all alone.
 
Me:  Excellent point John. What usually happens instead of empathy.
 
Susie:  We talked about that.  We point fingers as if there are bad people and good people and then we hurt each other which causes more finger pointing which…   It is like a big circle Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  Very well put Susie.
 
Will:  Grandma says that we need to focus on getting honest with God and then we will have to admit that we all have mean and bad thoughts. It is really difficult to tell God that you are better than the guy in prison who hurt someone.
 
Me: Your grandmother sounds like a wise woman.
 
Will:  She is Mr. Jim but it is hard sometimes to be that honest because then you have to be nice even when everyone else is saying bad things about someone.
 
Ann:  There is this girl who is always spreading lies about others.
 
Me: Why do you think she does that Ann?
 
Ann:  I asked mom and she says that this girl wants to feel important.  In our family everyone feels important but if no one ever acted as if I was important I would feel bad and I might do what she is doing.  That is difficult to admit and I do not really know what it feels like to not feel loved or important.
 
Me:  So I hear you saying that we all want to feel important and some of us have a family which makes that easy.
 
Tom:  It is easy in this class too.
 
Me: Are their mental and emotional illnesses which makes it difficult for people to feel good about themselves or others.
 
John:  Dad talked about that.  No one asks to have mental illness do they Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  No they do not.   Lots of people need our understanding and appreciation of the fact that we could be the one who has a mental illness or a really sad family situation.
 
Paul:  Uncle Jim are you saying that if we try to put ourselves in the shoes or mind of another then we create a less violent and more loving world.
 
Me: What do you think Paul?
 
Paul:  I think some people would still hurt others but I also think that some people would stop hurting others.
 
Will: Mom and I talked about the fact that we act as if we have a good reason to be mean but others do not.  We all think we have a right to be mean or unkind but we can all be mean or unkind.
 
Me:  Well said Will.  I am so proud of all of you for beginning to  think about this important topic.  Next week is our last week. How about you and your families talk about one thing you want to hold on to or keep from the class this year.
 
Susie please pass out cookies. Ann please pass out the assignment.

Have a good week everyone
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring! 
 
Class: Bye Mr. Jim
 
Written May 16, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​ 
This was a fun piece written as an assignment for the Writers Circle which meets in Safety Harbor Florida. The assignment was:  “In 600 words or less tell is about a friendships that developed or maybe didn’t develop in a work setting.”
 
 
Ain’t Misbehavin
 
When the leaders of the writing circle suggested that we write about friendship and work I immediately thought back to 1980 when I arrived in Wheeling, West Virginia to begin a job at the Northern Panhandle Behavioral Health Center. I had taken the job to be close to Pittsburgh where my ex-wife was living with our son following our divorce.   I would live in Pittsburgh and commute to Wheeling to work for several years. 
 
All organizations, it seems, are fond of meetings designed to ensure that the professionals they hire with years of training are frequently tested for their endurance of redundant, boring discussions of how to perform one’s job.   Mental health facilities are no exception.  Committees are established to examine the motivations or intent of committees. So, it seems.
 
I have never successfully attained the mental and emotional numbness to which every adult in our intentionally complex society most aspire  if one is to be successful in becoming a good team member – otherwise known as a robot.  I do, however, seem to possess the uncanny ability to identify that one other imposter posing as a serious adult as soon as I enter a  room of colleagues. Such was the case at the first required meeting I attended at the Northern Panhandle Mental Health Center.   There was Dr. K who was also a recent immigrant to West Virginia.   I passed her a note inquiring about certain aspects of her thought process regarding the diagnosis of our colleagues.  Dr. K responds with an erudite observation regarding our illustrious leader of this meeting.  I know that I have identified a kindred spirit and that we will become fast friends.  
 
We soon discovered that we have the same theme song borrowed from Fats Waller – Ain’t Misbavin’, the first verse of which is:
 
No one to talk with
All by myself
No one to walk with
But I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehavin'
I'm savin' my love for you
 
 
Thus, began a relationship which carried the weight of multiple roles. As a doctor, she was often my clinical supervisor.  We were also colleagues who frequently referred to each other. Soon she was showing off Bose stereo speakers.
 
Eventually we began dating despite my resolve to explore the same sex attraction which had led me to end my previous dating relationship with, as it happened, a female clinical supervisor – another city – another community mental health center.   She too had adopted the same theme song.
 
Obviously, there was a pattern here; the same pattern which had been detected by one of my professors when I was chronologically well into my thirties pursuing my second master’s degree.  I and another student were invited to stay after class because we were talking and could not be bothered to listen to the lecture which seemed to merely repeat what we had already read for ourselves.
 
The friendship with this bright, delightful, woman who does not suffer fools gladly and who continues to sing the same theme song is now more than 36 years old.  We are both still working, still delighted with our professions, and still bored with meetings. 
 
No one to talk with
All by myself
No one to walk with
But I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehavin'
I'm savin' my love for you
 
As it happens the friendship with the former supervisor, with whom I ended a romantic relationship to explore my same-sex attraction, also continues after a respite during which she “contemplated” an extreme act of violence against my very personhood.
 
593 words
 
Written May 15, 2017

​
Grandma says:  “Get over yourself.”
 
Of all the little kernels of wisdom which Grandma Fannie shared with her grandkids as well as other children, this was one of the more confusing ones.  Grandma Fannie also was always telling us in so many words to get to know ourselves and to be honest with ourselves.   The advice to get over ourselves seemed to contradict the  other advice.  I would be well into my adult years before I began to understand what Grandma Fannie meant.  I am now at the stage of growth where I can begin to tackle the graduate school course in getting over myself.  
 
In the undergraduate course in which I was enrolled for many decades I learned:
 
·      I am not the center of the universe. People do not say or engage in activities because of me.  While I affect others, I am not the cause of the behavior of others and have no power to change others.
·      I do not have to pretend to be wiser or more knowledgeable than I am in an attempt to impress others.
·      My secrets “sins” are not unique to me and, thus not very interesting.  
·      Money, degrees, possessions, muscles, clothes and erudite words are not going to earn me the respect of the God of my understanding nor anyone whose respect is worth having.
·      Formal education/book learning does not  necessarily equate with wisdom.
·      Sometimes it is better to listen than to offer my version of the truth.
·      I am not and do not need to try to prove that I am better than or more worthwhile than “the least of these.”
·      Judging others is more a reflection of who I am than a statement about others.
·     The word Grace refers to love which is freely given. It is not earned
In the graduate course  on getting over myself I have been invited to consider:
·      My version of social justice is not the only possible version.
·      It is easier to be critical than it is to listen.
·      Listening is more than hearing which is more than attending to what one expects or even wants to hear.
·      Showing up – really showing up – may often be the most powerful action one can take.
·      I do not need to try to make others see or accept that the God of my understanding is the one true understanding/construct.
·      Either God is more than any human can envision or the very ideal of a God is merely for the temporary comfort of some humans.
·      Humans may have much to learn from other animals or other part of nature.
·      If one lives to be 100 years old one is still just a tiny blip in the history of the universe(s).
·      All wise people know that taking oneself seriously reflects that one is in one’s infancy in spiritual and emotional growth.
·      Loving unconditionally is not easy and does not seem to come naturally to us humans.
·      Wise people laugh a lot at themselves and all of us as humans.  We are amazingly bright, creative, ignorant, stupid, silly creatures.
·      Every so-called truth has an opposite truth.
·      Graduate school lasts the rest of one’s life journey!
 
Many of the lessons Grandma Fannie offered were the gifts which slowly unfold over a lifetime. They may be comprised of only a few, simple words but they contained all the wisdom I would find in the words of the great philosophers and other teachers I studied in college. She did not use words such as metaphysical, epistemology or ontological.  Yet, she clearly knew these concepts and was wise enough to put them in very simple terms.  This is always the mark of a wise person – a great educator.
 
Perhaps one day I will have gotten over myself enough to allow others, by my actions, to experience the gift of Grandma Fannie.
 
Written May 15, 1017
 

​Sunday Musings – May 14, 2017
 
In the United States this is the day which has been set aside to honor mothers.   Many will not celebrate it because it is seen as just another faux holiday to allow retailers to induce guilt for not buying one’s mother something. To others it is a day to recall pleasant memories or even a current loving relationship with the wisest, most honest person they know.  To still others it is a day of grief over the too early (always too early) death of one’s mother. To an increasing number it is a day to pray that their mother be released from a life of pain and/or disappearance into the never-never land of dementia.  For some whose biological mother did not receive the nurturing gene that all females are “supposed to possess,” it is a time to either feed the anger and resentment or to give thanks for those who were able to provide the nurturing, wise guidance and love that is so needed by every child.
 There are also what I call the aunty moms, grandmothers and apron-garbed men whose chromosomal biology did not determine their particular gifts and talents. These last are those men who are sometimes better suited than the female in the family to provide the nurturing guidance we generally assign to the role of mothers.  
 To  still other people in the United States, this commercial  “Mother’s Day” is a poignant reminder that the other 364 days of the year the overall culture of the United States does not seem to value the job of parenting.  Despite cries of despair about the lack of daily guidance, supervision, and nurturance, we in the United States do not often reward those who put child care/parenting above the call of the career ladder.  We force many parents to choose between health insurance, decent housing, and the money for the so-called extras such as braces, expensive sports equipment, the expensive  phones, introduction to music art and other food for the soul  and full time parenting.   We often blame parents for not noticing the depression, other mental illnesses, getting behind in academics or the angry plans to wipe out a  group people. We withhold good incomes, promotions, retirement, accolades  and the ability to keep growing and learning from those who do make the choice to be a “stay at home parent.”   We may provide housing assistance, medical cards (sometimes) and other assistance but we make sure that the folks receiving that aid have a career/job plan and do not mix with the respected members of the community on a regular basis.  
 
Unless there is a special program, scholarship or one is lucky enough to live in a city with free transportation and free admission to events and places, poor people do not go take their children to the museums, symphony performances, opera performances, or to special programs or summer cultural camps.  
 
Yesterday I went to the Carnegie Museum of Art. This required first that I have a car which is in reasonably good condition, gas for the car, admission fee, and money for parking and possibly lunch.  At the museum, I saw a lot of families with an average of 2 children (not arrived at scientifically).  If one has the time and means to go regularly, one may purchase a family membership for $150.00 a year or a premium membership for $250.00 a year. One can now even pay the membership fee on a monthly installment basis. To be fair there are also a couple of times each week when one can go for half price.  If, however, one does not  have an annual membership which includes access to several other  Pittsburgh museums the cost for a  family day trip would be:
 
·      Transportation (average $8.00)
·      2 adult tickets  $39.90
·      2 child tickets   $23.90
·      Lunch (not at museum café):  $30.00
 
Friday night I  attended a performance of the Wheeling Symphony.  Cost of two tickets (I took  a friend who had recently treated me to a much more expensive cultural performance, dinner and transportation) for a cost of $64.00. I cooked a simple meal for the two of us prior to concert.   There were tickets for as little as $16.00 each plus $4.00 handling fee per ticket.   (I am well aware or at least aware that concert tickets or even sporting event tickets are much more.)  My point is that those of us on a fixed income or  low income cannot afford to do this very often, if at all.   If one is choosing to be a stay at home parent and one’s partner makes only a minimal income, one cannot afford the so-called extras which feed the soul  of oneself and one’s children.
 
My point is that we have designed a system which is seldom supportive of or enhancing of effective parenting. Yet, we are often quick to point fingers at the parents whose child is not doing well academically, emotionally, mentally or physically.
 
Commercial holiday or not I am pleased that the United States wants to honor the sacred role of mothers  and next month fathers.  Yet, if we truly want to honor the importance of daily  being able to nurture and care for children emotionally, mentally, physically, nutritionally we may want to explore the possible components of a truly  family-friendly community.  It may be that we cannot, after all, have it all:  
 
·      Demanding jobs which pay decently but leave little time or energy for families.
·      The nuclear family concept.
·      Freedom to move away from the biological extended family.
·      Large home, expensive private cars and other “things.”
·      The latest technological smart equipment.
·      The “right” outfit for every occasion.
·      Private cars and little public transportation.
 
Happy Mother’s Day.
 
 
Written  May 14, 2017
 

​Another one bites the dust – Kind of!
 
As readers of this blog know I am a faithful listener and reader of the podcast of On Being with host Krista Tippett.   On May 11, 2017 as  part of the On Being Civil Conversation Project, her conversation was with Glenn Beck.
 
Sadly, I must admit that as soon I found out her guest was Glenn Beck I was tempted to skip this week’s podcast.  Yet, I trusted that Mrs. Tippett needed to talk to him and I needed to listen to this conversation with the intent on identifying the mirror of parts of me which I knew Mr. Beck would represent (I almost said channel!).  
 
To be honest I  had not previously devoted much time or energy in an attempt to get to know Mr. Beck as a person. As I so often continue to do, despite my resolve to clean up my act, I hear the sound bites which were attributed to him and occasionally those I heard when attempting to “listen” to him  and look no deeper.
 
I did not know, for example:
 
·      He is  the child of a parent who committed suicide.
·      There are many people in his family of origin who have the disease of addiction.
·      He has been active for a number of years in a 12-step recovery program.
·      He is, as a work in progress, attempting to practice humility while seemingly attempting to use the concept or is it the phenomenon that is Glenn Beck to challenge all of us in the United states to get out of our respective boxes.
·      He has been willing to communicate with Krista Tippett and to have this very open, frank public discussion with her.
 
I did know that he is the author of a number of books including the one published in August of 2016 entitled Liars:  How Progressives Exploit Our Fears for Power and Control.  Ms. Tippett reminds him that he says in this book, “This book will present a clear, concise, and documented picture of progressives as they really are, eugenicists, racists, misogynists, terrorists, and authoritarian tyrants.”  Part of his response to Ms. Tippett challenging him on this statement is:  “So I get that. I get that. I’m the worst messenger since Paul. I get that. So, I don’t mean to be the one — just please take it. Pretend I’m somebody you like, and relisten to that.” How would this help, I ask myself?  All I hear is the same boxes into which I want to place Mr. Beck and others.
 
The reader will recall that I mentioned earlier that Mr. Beck is simply a mirror for my behavior.  Despite my attempt  to be inclusive, to not put myself and others in boxes, to not be arrogant or self-righteous, I have both internally and externally voiced opinions such as these.   Often I voice them not the opinions of this very flawed work in progress but as someone who is in possession of “the truth.”
 
I titled this piece as “another one bites the dust – kind of” because I wanted to begin by confessing that a very significant part of me has done to Mr. Beck what I accuse him of doing to me and others.  What I want to bite the dust, so to speak, is  the box into which I place Mr. Beck and the delusion that I am less flawed than Mr. Beck – that I can put people such as Mr. Beck in a box while holding on to my stated commitment to open myself to a healing dialogue.     
 
I did not realize until I googled the phrase that another one bites the dust is a phrase used in a Queen song which some have insisted  said, when back masked,  “It’s fun to smoke marijuana.”   On the other hand, when I listen to the mirror of Mr. Beck and others I might wish I had the excuse of having smoked something before I uttered arrogant, pronouncements which firmly close the door to any possible dialogue with those with whom I need to form an alliance if we are together to create a more just and loving world. 
 
The conversation I “hear” when I listen to this podcast which is a part of the On Being Civil Conversation Project is kind, honest, open and as flawed as this human.  When I listen to or read the transcript of this conversation I become a part of this project. I am challenged, once again, to focus on myself rather than pointing fingers.   
 
I am indebted to Krista Tippett, the entire staff of On Being, National Public Radio, and to Glenn Beck for their courage in taking a giant step towards forgiveness, reconciliation and foresight in exposing the pain and the hope which is embedded in all the roads we take.
 
Written  May 12, 2017
 

​ 
School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 36
 
Recently when listening to an On Being podcast featuring a conversation  between the host, Krista Tippett, Sheryl Sandberg, COF of Facebook, and Adam Grant, psychologist and professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania I “heard” Mrs. Sandberg stress the role of rituals in the process of recovery from the trauma of the sudden death of her beloved husband when he was only 47 years old.   In her case, her Jewish religion provided a framework for some of the initial stages of the grief process.   Many no longer have such frameworks to contain  the many and varied emotions which accompany major changes in our life. Even such previously common and simple rituals as Sunday dinner at the home of the matriarch no longer happen for a many because of geographical distance, busy lives and a myriad of other reasons we give ourselves.  
 
We are nearing the time when many young people will be celebrating a milestone in their educational history.  Around the same time United States citizens will be officially celebrating Memorial Day.   For some Memorial Day, will be an occasion to draw customers into stores to purchase various sale items. For others, it will be a time to celebrate school graduations. For some lucky few it will be an occasion to gather with family on a patio or in the back yard.  Some will hold on to a family tradition of gathering with their ancestors and those still living. The living will prepare the food and libations to share along with the stories which form the history.  
 
I thought that as these young scholars and I near the end of this school year it would be a good time to think about the purpose and meaning  of parties/celebrations and other rituals.   I am eager, as always, to hear what they have to share.  They are coming into the classroom now.
 
Me:  Good morning scholars.
 
Class: Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies?
 
Me: No cookies this week but next week for sure.   I am eager to hear about why you think that parties are important for everyone in the family – birthdays, graduations, weddings, Memorial Day, and other important days.  Are funerals also  a kind of party or celebration?
 
Sue:  I like it when my mom and I go shopping for gifts or when we make a special card for someone.   We also like making cakes for birthdays and graduations.
 
Me:  What do you like about that Sue?
 
Sue:  We have fun and we make people happy.  
 
Me: Very good Sue.  I agree.  Sometimes we get so busy with work, school, home chores and other activities that we forget to show others how much we care about them.
 
Steve: It would feel funny to tell others boys and girls how much I love them but when they have a birthday or something it is okay.
 
Me:  That is a very good point Steve.  I agree. 
 
Tara:  When I work hard it is nice when everyone in the family is happy for me.
 
Me: I agree, Tara.
 
Tara:  It feels funny and good at the same time.
 
Tommy: When my uncle died some at the church got up and said nice and funny things about him.  I felt really sad but everyone felt sad and good at the same time.
 
Me:  That is an excellent point Tommy.  It is good to be reminded that we can feel happy and sad at the same time.
Susie:  When our dog died we buried him we said nice things about him and then mom and dad make a special meal. After that we looked at pictures of him.
 
Me: Why did it feel good to do that?
 
Susie:  If he had just gone away it would been like he never lived.
 
Sam:  Mom said that if we did not do anything at happy or sad times it would be hard to know what to do.
 
Me: That is a very good point Sam.  Sometimes we just feel lost and don’t know what to do.  Parties and other rituals tell us what to do.  Does everyone know the word ritual? Please raise your hands.
 
(a few hands go up)
 
A ritual is like rules which tell us what to do.  When someone in the family has a birthday, we know to buy or make a card, perhaps get small gift, wrap the gift, plan a party, bake a cake or pie, and sometimes make a special meal or do something which the other person likes.
 
We have developed a little ritual here.  We have cookies every other week. It is something special to do that says we are all important and worth a treat.
 
Ahmes: I like that. In our family, we pray many times a day.
 
Sofia:  We pray before we eat especially when my uncle the priest is visiting from Italy.  
 
Me:  Memorial Day is soon.  What is that holiday?
 
Steve:  Mom and dad said that when they were little everyone make a picnic and they would go to the cemetery with all the dead people.  They would clean up the graves and take flowers. Then they would eat and talk about the dead people.
 
Me:  Yes, my family would do that when I was little.  Do you still do that Steve?
 
Steve:  No, Mr. Jim.  The cemetery is far away and dad suggested we look at photographs and tell stories about some of the dead people in our family.
 
Me:  Great idea Steve.  Why is it good to remember them Steve?
 
Steve:  The dead people were parents and stuff.  Mom and dad once were little. I saw the pictures and they loved their grandparents as much as I love mine.
 
Sam:  It is funny when I see pictures of mom and dad as little kids.
 
Me:  Yes, we were all little at one time
 
Sam:  You are still little Uncle Jim but now  you are old little!
 
Me: (Smiling) This is sadly true Sam.
 
Time is nearly up.  All of you did a great job. Perhaps for next week each of you could get your family to help you choose a photo of one dead family member, bring it to class and share a story about them.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Me:  Steve please hand out the assignment as everyone leaves.  Have a good week everyone?
 
Class:  Bye Mr. Jim
 
Written May 11, 2017
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 8 – Week 36
 
We are nearing the end of the school term. I am going to miss meeting with these students. I have not heard if the school will offer the class next year. Even though I volunteer my time, there are other issues which affect whether or not the time and space can be allocated for a class such as this type of class.  
 
Here come the students now.
 
Me:  Good morning class.
 
Class: Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies?
 
Me: No, we had them last week. I will certainly try to have them  next week.  I am eager to hear the thoughts of you and  your family members about whether the community, as a whole, is better off if the main focus of a business if to make as much profit as possible.  You will recall I am sure that we began this conversation by discussing the quote by a well-known business and community leader that it is better if a business does not have heart.  At the conclusion of that discussion I suggested that some would argue that if the focus of the business is to make money then the business can employ more people who then get to spend more money which then creates more jobs.   At the end of the class Susie suggested that profit was not the reason people worked when everyone lived and worked in the village.  Yet, everyone worked and shared equally with each other.  Why did this work in the village and does not seem to work for larger communities now?
 
Tom:  My mom explained that not only do the workers have to be paid but all the owners have to be paid also Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  What do you mean by the owners Tom?
 
Tom:  She said that many companies have many owners who own little pieces of the company. All those people expect to make money too Mr. Jim.    If there is no profit, then they do not get paid and will  not continue to buy pieces of the company.
 
Me:  Those pieces are called stocks  and the owners are called stockowners. They get paid out of the profits.
 
Abdul:  My dad suggested that we be clear about what is counted as profit.
 
Me:  Please explain Abdul.
 
Abdul:  Well, he said that profit is only what you have left over after all the salaries and other expenses are paid.  Some companies pay some people a  lot of money – millions of dollars – but that is not out of profit.  They might pay a bonus out of profit.  They also have to buy and replace equipment and supplies.
 
Ann:  Why are big salaries not part of profit Mr. Jim?
 
Me: That is a good question Ann.  Does anyone know the answer?  I guess the real question is why pay a huge salary even if the company is not making a lot of money.
 
Will:  My mom, dad and I googled that question.   Some heads of companies said that they had to make a lot of money to show how important they were compared to others.
 
Susie:  When we were reading about villages it seemed as if everyone in the village was important and  they knew that.
 
Will:  Yes, but in cities all over the world there have always been people who had big houses and other stuff such as palaces and pyramids to show how important they were.
 
Me:  So it seems as if the villages were better at making everyone seem important even though people had different jobs. The basic lesson here seems to be that we need to find a way to assure everyone that they are equally important.  In this class, for example, is everyone equally important?
 
Amena:  You are more important than we are Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  Is that true Amena? It is true that part of my job is different but we are here to learn. If there were no students I would not be a teacher and if there wase no teacher there would be no one to guide the learning.
 
Paul:  My mom said that everyone in the village knew and lived with everyone else and knew that the health of everyone was very important.
 
Me:  Good point Paul.  Although  the big boss might know some of the employees to say hello, he or she does not really have a personal relationship with everyone.  Perhaps if someone is a thing, such as a worker, then they are not a person like the boss.
 
Paul:  When my family goes to work at Catholic Charities mom and dad insist that we get to know people as Mr. and Ms.  If we say that so and so is one of the homeless people then they are not like us. It is difficult to think that we could be homeless but mom and dad showed us that if they lost their jobs and could not find another one the money we have in savings would be gone very soon.
 
Me: Are you saying it would not be long before your family would  homeless Paul?
 
Paul:  Well, we have you and other relatives who would help or we could live together but otherwise we would be.  
 
Me: So, you seem to be saying that we are all equally important and similar in many ways Paul.
 
Paul:  That is what you, mom and dad always say Uncle Jim.
 
Me: Yes, we do.
 
John:  Mom and dad said that life was much simpler when one lived in the village Mr. Jim.  No one needed cars and people shared all the stuff in their houses because they did not have any place to shop for many pairs of shoes or whatever.
 
Amena:  Dad said that even today there are people without electricity, indoor plumbing or other stuff.  Everyone in the village lives much the same.
 
Me: That is true.
 
Susie: But we also have health care, live longer, plenty of food and stuff.  Working for companies who can make a profit allow us to have money we need for stuff we need.
 
Me: That is true Susie but it there also a question of what of how much we need versus how much we want?  We had that discussion way back in week six of this class.  
 
John:  My mom said if companies did not make a profit then no one would want to create or own such a company.
 
Me:  I wonder if that is always true John.  If everyone felt good about what they were doing and had enough to take care of themselves and their families would they still work hard?
 
Will:  We do not have to take this class Mr. Jim and we still work hard.
 
Me: That is a great example Will.  Of course, we  all have plenty of money for what we and our families need.
 
Ann:   We are really nice to each other and everyone feels important here.  It feels like what we are doing is important Mr. Jim
 
Abdul: If I was hungry it would  be hard to care about this class Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  Yes, I think that would be true for all of us Abdul.
 
Dear me.  Time is nearly up.  It sounds as if we are saying that the question of profit is way more complicated  for us than it was for those living in a small village, but some of the issues are the same. For example, everyone wants to feel as if they are equally important and as if the needs of the family are equally important. It also sounds as if we saying that the less we know about each other as people just like us the less we can care about them and less we can function as did the village.
 
For next week let us  talk  with our families about what it would like to be able to have empathy for everyone in our community whether they are a CEO making millions of dollars or a really poorly paid clerk in a store.  
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Me: Have a good week everyone
 
Class: Bye Mr. Jim.
 
Written May 10, 2017

​Grandma says:  Everything comes full circle 
 
One of Grandma Fannie favorite lessons was “Everything comes full circle or what goes around comes around.”  or as some might say, “It will come back to bite you in the behind.”  Later we grandchildren were to realize that this was, in many ways, another version of “You will reap what you sew.” This lesson was intoned in a variety of situations such as:
 
·      Cheating on your homework or rushing through it will mean summer school or, at the very least, extra studying supervised by you know who.
·      Treating another person unkindly.  She was quick to remind one that soon others would treat you unkindly.
·      Doing only half your chores but saying you did them all would always be noticed.  One would have twice the chores tomorrow.
·      Rushing through prayers or other spiritual practice which left one unprepared to deal with difficult or sad situations.
 
Grandma Fannie was fond of Jesus and often quoted Him.  In reference to this lesson she often quoted from the Gospel according to John, Chapter 8 (New International Version):
8 1 but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
 
Depending on the age of us children the wording might change a bit.  The woman might become a child who has misbehaved in some way. This was very useful when we children were being judgmental about some classmate.  (Sadly the subject of racism did not come up directly but Grandma Fannie did not care who the misbehaving person might be.  She merely cared that we were acting as if we were better than the person of whom we were making fun.)  The misbehaving person might also be one of our siblings.  Fortunately, we were never dumb enough to criticize or repeat a criticism we had heard about one of our adult relatives.  I can only imagine the hours of “instruction” one might have had to endure if we had dared to have such a serious lack of judgment or good sense.
I am often reminded of this Grandma Fannie lesson.  As with most of her lessons this one was not original with her or with Jesus.  It is one of those eternal truths with seemed to always be obvious to wise people.   Yet, we humans seem to have a difficult time applying this lesson to much of our daily behavior.  Whether in the role as parent, child, student, CEO or politician, we seems unable to remember or to fully accept this lesson.  
This morning I had an email lamenting what may be passive aggressive behavior by someone we both know.  I do not know this person well enough to know how he “chose” or stumbled on this behavior as a way of attempting to protect himself from getting hurt. I do get the impression that this man is easily overwhelmed, has a tendency to blame others for his mistakes or limitations, and gets easily angered.  In many respects, he seems fearful of his own humanness.  Perhaps he has somehow decided or is fearful that he is not enough and will prove that he is enough by acting as if he is “without sin,” better than, more powerful than, more important than or something.  Of course, the more he mistreats others the more isolated and fearful he becomes which leads to using the same old tools which leads to …     This is an obvious example of  what goes around comes around.   I have no doubt that long term his wife will be okay.    Although she loves this man and will do anything she can to reclaim the marriage she thought she would have with him, she will eventually refuse to participate  in this dance and officially recognize the end of this marriage.   Of course, all those who care about both of them and their children hope and pray that  counseling will help them create a new dance of intimacy.  
Daily as individuals and as a nation we experience those who attempt to use power to prove their worth – more commonly known as a bully.  The bully bullies with physical, emotional, political, or economic power.  The bullied person or nation  bullies back in one of these ways.  They can continue to do this dance until one party temporarily gives up or comes to the realization that they have the power to change their dance which will force the other party to change their dance.
As an engineering student, I learned a new way of understanding and stating this Grandma Fannie lesson.  The simple version is:  Systems are systems are systems.  In other words, all pieces of the system act and react.  If one changes one part of the system, it affects the entire system.   If I respond to the bully with love he or she will initially respond with more bullying. If I consistently respond with love the bully will either leave or change his/her behavior.   If my friend refuses to accept the passive aggressive behavior of her husband he will keep trying to restore the old balance, he will leave or he will agree to explore a different dance. The hope is that his agreement to go to counseling means that he truly is ready to explore a different dance.
The woman to whom Jesus was talking expected to be stoned with words or actions.  Jesus responded with love and chided those who wanted to stone her by suggesting that only those without sin could cast the first stone.  They left  and she decided to explore a different behavior.  In effect Jesus interrupted the system thus forcing everyone in the system to change.  His force was lovingly refusing to do the accepted dance of stoning her  - of acting as if some were sinful and some were not sinful.
 
Every day I am tempted to take a shortcut, to respond in kind to the bully or to act in some way as if I  can avoid doing the next right thing.  Very often Grandma Fannie manages to get my attention by reminding me that “What goes around comes around.”   Not surprisingly, there are times when I do not listen in which case my decision always comes back to bite me in the “arse.”
 
Written May 8, 2017