​Sunday Musings – May 19, 2019
 
I laid in bed for an extra 20 minutes this morning just listening to the quiet.  I am blessed to be in a place which, although close to town, has a large wooded area behind my house.  With the windows closed I cannot hear the highway traffic.  Often the deer and other animals roam through the yard. So far this year they have not feasted on my flowers, shrubs or herbs.  I am aware, in the early morning light, of seemingly thousands of shades of  green  which are all part of the ecological wonder.    This reminds me of the fact that each of us humans are a unique part of the whole. We have only to claim that birthright. If we are lucky enough to move beyond basic survival in a war zone, in a refugee camp, or in a family which has been kidnapped by addiction or some other “disease” we may claim the false luxury of contemplating our navel or installing the latest security system to protect those treasure or evidence that we have more than our share of stuff. Less it appear that I am excluding myself, I am “privileged” to daily have the time to examine and write about my the contemplation of my navel.  Of course, I “know”  that I merely have to be as present as the rocks forming the border for the garden and each of the plants and the insects which work so hard, often sight unseen. Yet, being human and not a rock, plant or an insect, I get off center very easily.   Whether using a paper towel, plastic wrap, purchasing something on line which I do not need and which arrives in a plastic bag or other non-biodegradable wrap, or, without thinking, I begin to use a plastic straw I leave the essence of whom I am on the shelf while I construct this costumed facsimile of  being instead of being.  This fools no one, least of all me.
 
Today is Sunday, which in the tradition in which I was raised, is the sabbath. Every religious or spiritual tradition has a day and some several times every day when one stops and attempts to be nakedly present; to practice a dress rehearsal for letting go of this life journey and returning to pure energy.  Some use words or other sounds to cleanse oneself.  Some have decided that the universe needs direction and, thus, recite, long winded ritualic prayers.  These prayers are not to be confused with the outpouring of anguish and trusting joy which one might find in the religious services of some of the oppressed.
 
Sometime some of us sit quietly allowing the thousand shades of green to draw us into a moment of eternity; a moment of osmosis.  For a brief time we put aside the questioning, wandering mind, the chores engendered by our privilege, and the attempts to create a poem rather than welcoming the poem which we already are.
 
Written May 19, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 

Health Care Relationships
 
This morning, while at the gym, I was listening to the weekly program of People’s Pharmacy with hosts Terry and Joe Gradeon.  The focus of this week’s program is the effect of the doctor-patient relationships on health care outcome .  It should come as no surprise that someone can be a physically competent doctor or other health care provider and a terrible physician healer.   It also should come as no surprise that the quality of the human relationship has a significant physical healing affect no matter what the presenting issues.  The research clearly indicates that some medications, surgery, and other treatments may often be needed, but the relationship  itself affects both the ability of the body to heal and the adherence to the agreed upon treatment.  Some years ago, the term adherence replaced the term compliance.  Compliance came to mean that the patient was complying with the orders of the doctor. The term adherence is used to refer to whether the mutually agreed upon treatment plan has been a realistic or viable one for the patient to put into practice.   All too often I still find physicians and other health care colleagues telling the patients what to do and the patient not able or willing to comply because it was not a plan to which he or she agreed and was ready or able to put into practice.
 
For many years, but less often today, I would hear, “He/she is a good physician but their bed side manner is not very good.”  That never made sense to me. If a colleague is not present with the patient/client then the health care provider is going to miss learning who the patient is and some important symptoms which will assist in accurate diagnosis and formulating an effective treatment plan.   The word physician refers to a healer.   The word doctor merely tells one that someone has the resquite training and credentials.   Although there is no word to differentiate between a healing counselor/psychologist/therapist and a technically training one,  only healers can be maximally effective.
 
In order for treatment to be maximally effective a health care provider must:
 

• Have solid training in the knowledge and techniques now available.
• Be emotionally and spiritually healthy enough to have a partnership relationship with patients/clients.
• Have the tools/resources available and be affordable (equipment, medication, facilities).
• Be aware of business issues and costs, I. e. know what medication are affordable, run office efficiently.

 
Health care providers who focus on the relationship with themselves and with the patient/client are physically and emotionally healthier and will be less likely to get burnt out.  Patients who feel respected and trust the competence of the health care provider  are healthier, use less medication or other expensive treatment and report more quality of life.
 
I suspect that keeping the relationship and not task primary is emotionally, financially, and spiritually cost effective in all areas of our lives.
 
Written May 18, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

​The violence of acute grief
 
While listening the rebroadcast of the June 28, 2018 On Being podcast with host Krista Tippett and guest community organizers Rami Nashashibi and Lucas Johnson,  I was again reminded of the emotional, verbal and physical violence committed in the name of social constructs such as racism, sexism and homophobia.   Such social constructs allow some to temporarily feel okay about oneself by constructing lies about being better than.  One then blames the person against whom one has been violent for not fitting in; for not being the one who is oppressing the other which then forms the new excuse for oppression.
 
The essential issue im stopping this cycle entails the original oppressor deciding that it is good enough to be them.   Even if the oppressor stopped their oppressive behavior today the community would still be left with all the direct and collateral damage caused by the use of  violence under the guise of these social constructs.     Ironically, one of the core issues both sides would be left with would be the pain of acute grief.  Telling oneself that one is not enough is a very violent act and leaves layers and layers of grief. Telling another and treating another as less then leaves layers and layers of acute pain and grief.  Sadly, often the only visible signs of this painful grief are the disappearance of self and rage.  Not sharing that grief and self with self or others will ensure that one remain disconnected. One often uses numbness and/or anger to avoid the grief.
 
Healing requires that one have safe spaces in which to access and express that grief.  Healing requires that one be safe from further oppression by others and oneself.
 
The expression of acute grief may be frightening to  self and others.  Acute grief is raw and can be mistaken for violence.   Actually, it is and is not violent.  When something enters the body as violence it must be ejected as violence.  The violence does not have to be directed at self, others, animals, or even objects but it does have to come out as violence.   It is vile, unattractive, not socially acceptable, loud and coarse. It is foul tasting and extremely nasty sounding. There are not enough curse words to adequately express it.  It must come out in very guttural, core sounds devoid of definitions found in a dictionary.     Some may be able to express it using music, dance, paint or some other artistic medium.   
 
This intense grief may need to be expressed in wave after wave after wave.    It does not need a response but it needs an affirming witness.
 
Unless and until we, as a people, stop abusing ourselves and others we cannot begin to grieve. We then need to provide safe places – the equivalent of wailing walls – to begin  let go of.  this violent vomiting rage.
 
Those who are  grieving need a comforting witness be that sponsor, mentor, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, therapist or cleric. As with all healing the witness/helper must first have the courage to deal with one’s own violent grief.
 
Written May 17, 2019
Jimmy. F. Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Character Development
 
This morning, while at the gym, I listened to the May 13, 2019 podcast of Hidden Brain with host Shankar Verdantam  which includes his conversation with  the “Nobel Prize-winning economist James Heckman about the skills that predict how well you’ll fare in life”  Standardized tests tend to measure how well one does a task but not the character of the person or the purpose of why one is performing that task.
 
Although I could not locate the most recent results of surveys of why students attend college, I know that for many  years  a very large percentage of students in the United States stated they attend college to learn how to make money.   There is currently a push for individuals to consider trade schools which often result in a high income and does not leave one with college debt. This makes economic sense but leaves the question of character development unaddressed.     As James Heckman points out on the Hidden Brain program, there was a time in the United States when one of the standard books used in grades 1-6 was McGuffey Readers.   Some private schools or home school parents still use them.   The primary focus of the McGuffey Readers in addition to learning skills such as reading was to introduce values or character.   Sadly, when it was decided that one should use books which were more inclusive than Christian based values, the focus seemed to switch to learning skills.    Obviously, we all need skills.  I appreciate being literate and having a variety of personal and professional skills.   At the same time, I must be clear about the goal of using those skills.  Often some of the individuals with/for whom I work learn to use the problem-solving skills they learned to survive on the street to craft or design a life devoted to helping others or solving community problems. 
 
No matter what the level of formal education often when I ask individuals or families to articulate their core values,  to state their spiritual goals, or to describe the footprint they want to leave in this life dance/journey, they either do not understand the question or are not sure of the answer.
 
Most of us know that music and art feed the soul.  Dance shows what is or what is possible.  Building literal or metaphorical  bridges connects people.  Learning to live in synch with mother nature frees one. Not giving up and being willing to make mistakes allows one to invent  or to be creative.    Learning to love without expectations can help create a more just, loving world.   Becoming a teacher because one has a passion for service and genuinely cares about teaching skills for a more meaningful life is rewarding and leaves a footprint of which one can be proud.   Learning that no matter what job one is doing one can keep the focus on relationships rather than tasks will result in being more productive as well feeding one’s soul  bodes well for a vibrant, satisfying life dance.
 
I do not want to return to using any material in school which is not inclusive of all religious and cultural traditions. I do want us as a community to keep asking ourselves the purpose for which we want to learn skills;  to teach our children those character traits/habits which allow us to move toward a life-giving dance.
 
 
Written May 16, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

​Expectations
 
I have previously written about relationships and expectations.   Yet, it is a subject to which I must  personally return daily.  It is so easy to blame people, places and things for my positive or negative mood on any given day or any hour of any given day.   A part of me is well aware that it is always my expectations which have so much effect on my mood.   If some person, place or thing is not what I expect at any given moment I often get upset. This makes no sense. I know of course:
 

• I am not the center of the universe.
• Other people have their own feeling, thoughts, history, fears, and desires which determine the decisions they make.
• Mother nature decides what to do on any given day without considering how her actions affect me. 
• Things do what things do.  They work or just are. They wear out, change form, break down, or cease to be independent of my needs.

 
These are very simple truths.  Theoretically, I “should” be able to internalize them and react on the basis of them.  Simple enough. Then why do I frequently act surprised, angry, disappointed, or harbor resentments when other people, places and things do not follow my carefully outlined plan for the day?
 
By 6:00. a.m. this morning I had “miffed (not anger exactly!) feelings  directed at two friends who had been “ignoring me”.  Of course, I “know” that they  have a life separate from me which affects their ability to nurture relationships. Both are on a healing journey, but as is true for all of us, it is indeed a journey and not a destination. They are still human and have lives separate from our relationship.   The fact that they did not respond to communications the past few days has nothing to do with me even though it affected me. Truth be told, I also have a very busy life and was not exactly sitting around waiting for their responses.  Yet, when I had a second to realize they had not responded my first thought was they were ignoring me. Many times, each day I momentarily think of someone with whom I have not connected recently and may or may not write down a time to call or write them.  The fact that although I write a lot of letters, often pick up the phone, and use social medical, email, and messaging, to stay in touch with friends my good intentions often do not become manifest reality.  This has nothing to do with how much I care about particular people  This has everything to do with the decisions I make regarding my priorities.  The simple truth is that some days – actually most days – I have more on my plate than I can possibly accomplish.  While I try to make relationships primary I still run out of time. Some days I have a little time left but no energy. I am not intentionally ignoring anyone although I am intentionally setting priorities and making decisions.  If someone’s feelings are hurt or someone feels neglected I will again examine my priorities and possibly make new decisions about my schedule.
 
Sometimes no matter what I do or do not do another person is angry at me because I did not meet their expectations or perceived needs.  I can empathize, even apologize, but no matter what I do they may decide that my action or inaction is unforgiveable.   That may leave me feeling sad but I do not need to beat myself up.  If appropriate I will apologize. I may have said something in anger, or inadvertently hit a nerve.  Often, however,  I simply was not able to be the person they thought that I was or should be.  Each of us tends to create a designer model of what we want another to be.  This designer model often bears little resemblance to the actual person.   When someone does not accept this designer costume personality then the designer may be angry or “disappointed”.   We can all do this to others; partners, parents, teachers, mentors, sponsors, employers or friends.  We confuse our designer model with the actual person.  Seldom are designer models’ human.  Real people are human which may result in grave disappointment. We may need to smile while accepting this simple truth.
 
Written May 15, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

Family sharing and decision making
 
Yesterday was set aside in the United States to honor mothers.  In June fathers will be honored.   I was listening to a report of the latest research regarding sharing of home tasks including childcare.  Lulu Garcia-Navarro  in a segment on Weekend Edition in a program entitled “‘All the rage’ Isn’t About Moms Having It All – It’s about Moms Doing It All” reported less than 40% of couples report that house tasks are equally shared by males and females.  Darcy Lockman in her recent book, “All the Rage”. Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnerships”  explores the fact it is so difficult to establish equal partnerships.  She reports that women who are doing up to 66% of the household labor feel that they had a fair arrangement.  Men who were doing 35% of household tasks felt that the division was fair.  In my experience this is often true no matter what is  professions of the partners.  Studies also reveal that schools and other agencies are more likely to call the mother if a child is sick or there is some other concern with the child.  Most lesbian couples to whom I talk report a more equal division of tasks.  In gay relationships there may often be one partner who does more of the household tasks.
 
If one googles this topic one finds a variety of articles including some by males who believe that they are often expected to do a lot of the more traditional male chores such as basic yard work, car maintenance and home repairs but these are not counted as household tasks.  Yet, in my experience, even those males who do a lot of those more traditional male chores have a lot more free or “me” time than the female partners.
 
My experience is that most families do not have an agreed upon format for regularly addressing issues such as household tasks. When I am working for/with families I always recommend regularly scheduled family meetings with the options of anyone in the family having the power to ask for a family meeting anytime.    Family meetings are a good place to pass along appreciation, address concerns and to make decisions.  Some families use a Quaker consensus model of decision making which I like because there is no one to blame if a decision does not work well.  One simply returns to the family meeting and makes a new decision.
 
Changes in sharing household tasks are not going to happen unless we model that behavior and teach our children to focus on problem solving rather than using the blame/victim model.     In the United States, as well as in many other countries, there seems to be an attachment to the victim/blame model within family and within the larger community.   One merely has to listen in on United States Congressional meetings or political speeches to hear examples of the blame/victim game.
 
I am not suggesting that it is easy in the home or in other work places to decide what work needs to be done and how to share it more equitably.   Often there may be disagreements on priorities or how some tasks are done.   Obviously, there must be some ground rules.   For example, one must not deliberately do a sloppy job so that the partner  will agree to do the task.   On the other hand, there are those whose idea of perfection is so demanding that no one else can satisfy those requirements!   Even when these sorts of disagreements arise there needs to be a basic agreement to focus on problem solving  instead of blaming or someone having to be right and someone wrong. 
 
I do believe all of us can do a better job of  setting priorities and sharing tasks.  Few of us are living in mansion with a staff of servants including a cook, housekeeper, butler to manage the staff, groundskeeper,  driver and mechanic, home repair person/staff, and woman in waiting and man servant for each individual in the home.  At least my home does not include any servants other than me! Most of us are working outside the home and then must come home to do household tasks which may include taking care of children and increasingly aging parents.   There are no tasks which are feminine and masculine other than pregnancy and birth.  All others are up for grabs!
 
Written May 13, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

​Today
 
What song shall we compose today?
 
What notes shall come out to play?
 
Will the first note wait for the second?
 
Whose soul will we channel?
 
Mozart?
 
Odetta?
 
Christopher O’Riley channeling The Talking Heads?
 
Lady Gaga?
 
Pittbull?
 
Will the song be in tune with the universe?
 
Perhaps a song of dissonant notes,
 
a sultry blues song
 
a rap song which leaves all naked
 
or a wailing Gospel song which echoes the suffering and hope of all who are enslaved.
 
Perhaps a playful song.
 
A song of hope or hopelessness?
 
Courage or defeat?
 
What song will we sing today?
 
Written May 12, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Suffering!
 
Even though I am not a member of a 12-step program all of my readers are well aware that I daily use the framework of the 12 steps to work towards a spiritual center.  
Daily, sometimes hourly, I am reminded of the first step of the 12-Steps.   Although the first step for those in recovery initially focuses on the fact that once one engages in addictive behavior one is powerless to control one’s addictive choices, all of us have to come to terms with the fact that we are powerless over other people, places and things. 
 
Every major religion or spiritual philosophy reminds one to take responsibility for one’s choices and to surrender to one’s powerlessness.   The Jewish-Buddhist teacher and Psychotherapist, Sylvia Boorstein, and the host of Oh Being, Krista Tippett,  in their conversation on May 9, 2019 suggest that suffering almost always has to do with our struggle with what is beyond our control.  Individuals such as Steve Levine have long taught those with even severe chronic physical pain that if one will allow themselves to be with the pain rather than fighting it they will experience less physical pain. That pain which remains can be more effectively treated without numbing one to the extent that one cannot be present.
 
The purpose of pain is to  let us know that something is amiss.  In the case of chronic pain, one cannot be cured of the pain.  Thus, rather than tensing up and fighting the pain one needs to simply say “Thank you.” to one’s body and let it know it does not need to do anything else.  One eventually can learn to just notice it without labeling it as acute, good, bad or any other label.  It just is.   The same principle applies to all events in our life which results in suffering.   An event happen which may or may not involve something another person did or did not do; something breaking; an event such as a storm, power outage,  or car problem. Illness and even death visits;  I get attached to my schedule and then the alarm does not go off, the coffee pot does not work, a family member or other friends needs a listening ear, a child is sick, or one’s wi-fi quits working.  Immediately I openly or silently label the event as terrible, a catastrophe, unfair, or in some other way  indicate it is a big deal.  Big deals demand  immediate, remedial action.   Very often there is no immediate action or any action at all which will remedy the situation.  Getting angry will not keep one’s partner from dying, a politician (sometimes called a terrorist) from acting in a way which one thinks is disastrous, get the power outage repaired quicker, or  even summon the muse when one is writing.   As soon as one labels an event as negative or disastrous one tenses thus causing great  or greater physical and emotional discomfort.    Obviously if one has just had an accident or have been captured and am being tortured there is physical pain. Yet, even then there are those who can teach themselves to be with pain and to move towards a sort of relaxation which decreased the suffering. (Torture is still torture.)
 
Even knowing one is powerless often does not stop the suffering.  One may still be fearful, angry, or in some other way refusing to accept  and be okay with the fact that one is powerless.    I am not suggesting that any of us, certainly not this human, are ever going to attain spiritual perfection and immediately with every situation relax and accept that one has no control.  Yet, one can begin to practice noticing when one. blames other people, places or things for the suffering.   People  or events do often cause pain but never suffering.   Letting go of the struggle with what is will allow one to be present with the event or situation as it is.  This does not mean that one is.  devoid of feeling.  One does not want to avoid sadness or other similar feelings.   Neither does one want to label the sadness more than sadness or feed the idea that one cannot stand or live with an event.   One may not want to live with an event but one can do so and alongside of the pain often find much joy and often comfort. People go to wakes or other similar events because it feels good in the midst of grief to share with and comfort each other.  Very few of us has to be alone when we are struggling.  Even those kept in isolation in prisons can received loving, supportive letters.
 
Today I will smile at my need to “work” a step one many times.  I will notice, without judgement, when I blame other people, places and things for my suffering.
 
Written May 10, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickettjf.org
 
 

​History
 
I was listening to my son’s podcast GiantPanda this morning the latest episode of which is an interview with the Mexican author, Sofia Segovia.  Her most recent book is The Murmur of Bees which might be categorized as a historical novel although one can listen to the authors comments about that.    At any rate, as I was listening, I was again reminded that history is subjective.  Even if reading a textbook which purports to be factual one knows that someone has decided what to include or exclude.  A list of dates and facts do not, in and of themselves, tell one much about history. 
 
What is meant when one uses the word history?  The ancient Greek word istoria meant “knowledge acquired by investigation, inquiry”.  The word was used by Francis Bacon to mean the knowledge of objects determined by space and time.   In Middle English the meaning was story. The current use of the word as defined by Oxford Dictionary is “a series of past events as connected by a person or thing.”  At times the word is used to refer to any past event.  One has or needs to be clear when using the word history without referencing the story teller and the possible conscious or unconscious motive of the story teller.   When I attended public school in a regional rural school I do not recall learning any United States history as told  by a slave or descendant of a slave, a native American, women, homosexuals, or any other minority group.  I do not recall hearing stories of the arrogant invasions of other cultures and nations by representatives of these United States. I do not recall any stories about how the German people felt about how they were treated by the Allies following World War I.  I never learned about the influence of the eugenics movement in the United States on the thinking of the Nazis.
 
Even in terms of my family history there were many secrets or, at the very least, the neglect of certain perspectives or incidents which were essential to an approximation of “shared history”. 
 
There are historical facts.  For example, I was born in 1940 in a hospital in Chicago, Illinois  according to my birth certificate as a result of the sperm of Floyd Jim Pickett hooking up with the egg of Daisy Ethel Pickett. I have no reason to doubt the validity of these statements. On the other hand, there is no DNA evidence to substantiate this claim.  I know the names of the siblings of my mother , the  story of my father being the only child who lived, and the siblings of my paternal grandparents.  I know less about the history of my material grandparents. There are many antidotes about both sides of the family, but do these constitute history.  They do tell several possible stories depending on who is sharing them and who is listening.
 
Back to the historical novel which makes no pretense to be other than what it is.  It is a story told to possibly entertain and which has the potential of challenging one to consider the potential journey of the intersection of people, very personal events and other part of the universe  in which the story  is located.
 
In my office individuals and even families lay their historical novels at my feel. They often wrap them in bright, colorful packages and carefully place them at the altar of the “wise therapist or coach” demanding that one validate the “true story” of their relationship(s) history. If I fall into the trap of validating one package and discarding others there are going to be some very unhappy family members. While  there be kernels of truth there are many truths.  For example, one may have been hit with words, fists or some objects and have the scars to “prove” this part of the story.  I may still not know anything of the “negative space” in the story – all he events leading up to the verbal or physical violence.  I am not suggesting that violence is ever justified or okay. I am suggesting that there is more to the story that either of the parties is able to communicate to me.  They can each tell me what they heard, felt, observed or even  recorded but not what the other heard,  felt, or observed.  There is no objective truth or facts other than someone does have a black eye or other visible or invisible injury.
 
Perhaps we need to listen carefully and lovingly to each other’s stories without demanding that one pass the test of universal truths.
 
Written May 9, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

​Ubuntu
 
I have previously written about the African word and concept ubuntu. A frequent translation of the concept is “I am because you are.”  It may also be translated as humanity.  For some the use of the pronoun ‘you’ connotes all of creation and not just other people.  For me the concept reminds me that every action I take (not acting is also an action) affects the entire universe.  Whether one believes the universe had a master designer or evolved over millions of years there is no disputing the fact that all forms of life are interdependent.  Killing one small organism  removes the food source for some other organism which, in turn, affect other organisms which, in term ….   One gets the idea.  Killing one fruit fly, even if intentionally reproduced in a lavatory, has an effect on the balance of the universe.  One might suggest, of course, that if one is intentionally engineering the production of more fruit flies then one is not affecting anything outside of the lavatory, but one has removed at least two fruit flies from the larger environment and if one uses fruit flies in that lavatory to research brain diseases of humans then the longer life span of those humans will have an impact on the rest of creation.
 
I often contemplate the example of one smile having a positive effect on one store clerk who may shares that smile with 60 people, 50 whom share it with 10 people, 8 of which share it with 10 people.  That smile  has potentially traveled to at least 3500 people.  Because many of those people are feeling better they may be more aware of how they treat others and even how their behavior affects the environment.
 
I was listening to an interview with 13-year-old Alina Morse whose company is projected to make $2 million in profits this year.  At 7 years old she asked her dad why they could not make a healthy lollipop that that is good for one’s teeth.  She started experimenting in her parents kitchen and despite some early mishaps such as ruining the kitchen range she now has her dad working full time as manager of the business for her. Her Zollipops are not only tasty but clean the teeth of many children and adults
 
Every day I read of some young person who has initiated a fund raiser to help others, improve school equipment or initiate an action which will potentially have  a positive effect on many people.
 
It is easy for all of us to get busy with life and look for that shortcut which will save time and energy without thinking of how that decision affects the entire universe.  A good example are the small plastic bag, millions of which are affecting the life of much of the rest of the planet including humans who eat the fish or other life form which has eaten or absorbed some of that plastic. 
 
Unbuntu – I am because of you.  You are because of me. We are because of each other. They are (all other life forms) because of us as we are because of them.
 
Written May 7, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org