​Grandma Fannie says: “If it does not seem to make sense it probably does not make sense.”
 
 
There are times when the simplest, most obvious truth lies dormant in my mind while I unsuccessfully try to make sense out of a situation or condition.  That happened just this morning.  I was attempting to make sense out of the behavior of a client I have seen for some time. This very bright, compassionate, high functioning professional person will suddenly say or do something which is totally out of character for them.  This person responds to some situations in an intense, irrational, angry, blaming manner.  Any attempt to reason with them only seems to add fuel to the fire.  This person is dealing with the chronic illness of a family member - an illness which acutely affects the brain and which, thus, may result in unkind, even abusive behavior.  Chronic illness is exhausting for the patient and the family members just because it is chronic.  Yet, the intense irrational response of the client still does not make sense.
 
As I am racking my brain to try to figure out what is going on with the client, suddenly the internal clone of Grandma Fannie shouts at me.  (Apparently, she has been attempting to get my attention for some time and is a tad bit frustrated with me.)   Finally, I am listening for her sage wisdom.  She says, “If it does not seem to make sense it probably does not make sense.”   I reply, “Oh, of course.”
 
Now I know that I need to reexamine the presenting symptoms and attempt to see what I have overlooked.  As soon as I decide to do that I start with the most obvious possible diagnosis which will give me a framework for understanding and treating this person.   I can also now ask for a consultation with a psychiatrist and a neurologist if needed.   
 
It is not unusual for me to spend a lot of time attempting to fit a square peg in a around hole.  At times I feel compelled to attempt to make it fit.  If the square peg is large enough it is possible that I can make a rod out of it.  Often, of course, this is not the solution.  The simple solution is to go get a rod which fits the round hole.  
 
The proble,. of course, is I can get attached to attempting to prove my original assumptions, diagnosis or hypothesis.  I can become determined to make sense out of some situation, behavior or condition which simply does not make sense in the context of my original assumptions, diagnosis and or hypothesis.
 
Grandma Fannie often reminded me and my siblings that it is frequently helpful to take a step back and look at the situation or problem with new eyes.  Sadly, by the time she realized that we were attempting to impose a solution on a problem or situation we had often caused some permanent damage.  Bess her heart.  She did not get all bent out of shape or angry at us when this happened.  Usually she would remind us that when a proposed solution was not working there was probably a reason for it.  It was time to take a step back and reevaluate the situation or condition. 
 
Sometimes, such as with the client I described, I try to make my original educated guess about a diagnosis fit the client rather than allowing for the possibility that the diagnosis was not accurate.  If lucky, Grandma Fannie is able to get my attention.
 
She may also get my attention when I get stuck attempting to use a standard treatment approach on a client who does not, for whatever reason respond to my “perfect” treatment/healing plan.   If a treatment plan is not the “right one” for a particular client it does not matter how well it works for other clients. 
 
The same lesson works for one’s parenting role.   Solution or approach B might work very well for a particular child but it will not necessarily work for another child.    
 
For a long time, many teachers were determined that one size fits all in terms to teaching approaches.  We now know that not all children learn at the same speed or with the same approach. Children. as well as adults, may be auditory or visual learners. Some may learn best through movement.   We also know that the brains of children become ready to learn certain material at different times.  If a particular part of the brain is not yet developed, then the child will not be able to learn certain material until that part of the brain is developed. 
 
Once I am able to allow myself to back off and back up I can then do whatever I have to do to examine the problem, situation or condition with an open mind.  In the case of the client I was thinking about this morning I now have a plan to talk to the client about other possible diagnoses which might then might lead to a more effective treatment plan.
 
Whether I am assembling something, diagnosing and treating a client or attempting to problem solve some other condition or situation I would do well to listen to that internal Grandma Fannie clone who will remind me of many essential truths including, “If it does not seem to make sense, it probably does not make sense.”
 
 
Written June 8, 2017
 
 

​The math of healing
 
I have often suggested that those who think they do not like math try thinking of math as a language for exploring and thinking about relationships.  If one can make that transition from getting overwhelmed with mathematical formulas to thinking of it as another language, then one may even learn to think of math as a friend. After all, if healing is about relationships and math is the language of relationships then healing is the simple process of changing the mathematical formula.  For example:
 

• Presenting issue:  anxiety is running one’s life.  Anxiety is 18 and self 1 3 then obviously, anxiety is always going to dominate self.  
• Healing formula:  You want self to dominate anxiety.  The formula now become self 18 and anxiety is 13

 
If one continues to reinforce the messages/lies of the anxiety it grows in power and self-diminishes in power.  If, however, we reinforce the messages of the self it grows in power.
 
Self is that innately strong, wise, compassionate part of ourselves which could easily tell someone else that the anxiety is lying to them.  Self would do that with clarity and compassion.
 
Anxiety, depression and other voices which we adopt or internalize in various circumstances and at times in our lives, all lie to us.  Their voices are similar to that of the abusive spouse, partner, parent or any other abusive person.  The abusive person tells one that:
 

• You are weak.
• Without me you are powerless.
• You are dumb. You need me.
• Other people in your life just use you.   You do not need anyone but me.
• You could not make it on your own.
• No one else would want you.

In other words, the abusive person creates first a psychological and then, if possible, a financial dependency.   Anxiety, depression and learned messages of self-abuse isolate one in a manner similar to abusive persons.  The voices say all is negative, nothing can change, you are weak, and the world or much of the world is dangerous.  It says do not listen to the wise woman or man within you.
 
Healing from anxiety, depression or other negative and untruthful voices is a simple (not easy or comfortable) process of telling oneself the truth on a consistent basis until the messages of the wise woman or man are stronger than the internal voice which lies.   When one listens to the truth one begin to practice leaving one’s comfort zone and finding that one can expand one’s world and even enjoy oneself. 
 
Some people may need a mild mediation to take the edge off the depression or anxiety.  An anti-depression which can also target the anxiety is usually the best option.  Those medications are not addictive.  There may be some who need no medication at all.  (I never recommend beszodiazepines which are very addictive.) 
 
Exercise, healthy diets, positive people, a spiritual program and some daily system for identifying and correcting the lies is an important part of the healing process.  Being intentional about taking charge and reclaiming one’s life is also very important. Often a life coach or a psychotherapist can be helpful in designing and guiding one through the initial stages of the healing process.
 
I also advice using the yoga principle when dealing with the discomfort of changing/healing.   That principle, as I understand it, is to challenge oneself by moving just a little past the comfort zone.  When one becomes more comfortable in that new space then one continues to move to the next uncomfortable space.    Many only go so far and reach a point where they are quite uncomfortable. Instead of breaking down the new goals into tiny, manageable steps, they try to take a giant step.  They then have acute discomfort, give up and go back to the illusion of their safe space which, in fact, is a prison.  In that prison one is isolated and the negative voice will again take charge of one’s existence.   Again, the equation changes so that the negative messages are more numerous than the positive ones.
 
Only the individual person can, with the support of healthy, loving people, possibly a life coach/therapist and possibly for those also dealing with addiction a program such as the 12-step recovery program, make the decision to heal.  Although the formula for healing is simple the history of agreeing with the negative lies is very strong.  Thus, one must be persistent until the self is dominant most of the time.
 
Healing (not cure) is possible and very doable!   
 
Written on June 6, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Emotions and Identity
 
There seems to be a widespread belief that if something bad happens it is always someone’s fault and someone has to be held accountable.   If an elevator fails, then it is because it was not properly maintained.  If one gets lung cancer than it is because one fell victim to the marketing campaign of the tobacco company.  If a car goes out of control and causes an accident, then the person who was driving the car is responsible for the accident.  If one burns oneself with hot coffee than the company who sold one, the hot coffee is responsible for the burn.  If one is having an acute, negative emotional reaction to some experience than it is the fault of the person who committed an act or behavior to which one responded.
 
These beliefs seems to assume that one has complete control over events which then leads to the assumption that everything bad that happens is someone’s fault. In fact many believe that even one’s emotional reaction is entirely the fault of the person who was operating the equipment or who performed the tasks that led to something negative happening.
 
I have often sat in courtrooms and listened to a colleague say that person B has been damaged for life by the emotional trauma they experienced but the action of person P.  Many seem to act  as it there is only one way to respond to a situation.  To be sure, if you are the person who gets brutally sexually assaulted or the person who child or another loved one gets murdered or permanently disfigured or disabled as a result of either the carelessness or deliberate behavior of a deranged person or an extremist who is convinced he or she is doing the will of God you are going to be extremely sad. It is even natural to ask, “Why me?”  It may even “natural” not to be able to imagine life going on without that person or without that person being able to live what is sometimes referred to as “a normal life.  
 
We all also know people who always manage to view events in a more positive manner.  Even the death of a child might engender a response such as, “Aren’t I lucky to have had this child with me for 7 wonderful years.” as opposed to “This is so unfair. I only had this child for 7 years. My life is ruined.”   I have known many people who survived war experiences, the sudden death of a loved on or other sad evens with such an attitude.
 
To be sure the parent who loses a child and is not extremely sad is either in denial or unable for whatever reason to experience any emotions.  On the other hand, to tell oneself what one should feel or that one cannot move on with one’s life is not about the child but about what one has learned about emotions and what one should or should not do as a result.   
 
We all learn “rules” for what emotions we can or should have and what our emotions tell us about we are. We can easily form an identify with the emotion.  Instead of  I am a person who is sad I may identify as the sad person.  Instead of a person living with cancer we become cancer or the person dying with cancer.  What if we allow for the possibility that we are not our emotions.  We experience some basic emotions and then we decide what they mean or do not mean.   We may have learned how to make these decisions very early in life and never considered other options.
 
As in all areas of life, it is our job as adults to reexamine all we have been told is the truth – about our emotions and all aspects of this life journey.
 
If we have come to accept that we are victims of an emotional experience, that we cannot move on, that we cannot have a quality life following event X, that life is either positive or negative and not both, or that someone has to pay for a sad event before we can have closure then we have the right and I think the responsibility to step back and reexamine those messages.
 
Live shows up.  Life is filled with positive and negatives experiences. We are stronger that we feel even at the worst of times.  Justice does not demand that people have to suffer for the rest of their life because of a mistake or a stupid decision.  It is true that we need to learn from our mistakes, that we need to own them and make amends when possible.  It is not true that we have to accept that we are poor victims who can never experience joy again.
 
I work for/with many people who have experienced very sad and even tragic experiences.  Although healing takes time they all can learn to move on and enjoy life.  Often people have told me that it is not right that they are able to enjoy life if person D is dead or disabled.  I do not believe that. We honor the lives of the deceased members of our community by celebrating their achievements and their joys and passing those on to others.   We can always play it forward.  When someone dies, and leave only a sad history, we can be grateful that they are finally at peace.  We may or may not be in a position to help discover a cure or to support the research for a cure for the condition which make their lives miserable.
 
As adults, we have a choice about how to relate to our core emotions.  If we just rely of what we learned about what she should feel and who we are as a result of a particular experience, we are cheating ourselves and all those whose lives we touch.
 
I am certainly not suggesting that we can should be a Pollyanna.  Sad events are sad.  They may also be an opportunity.  I am convinced that whatever happens I can still experience joy and move on with my life.
 
Written June 5, 2017
 
 
 
 

​Grandma says:   “It is not over until it is over.”
 
Living on the farm in Oklahoma, Grandma Fannie and Grandpa Ed faced the same possibilities which all farmers face.  No matter how heathy a crop might look in the beginning of the growing season, they had to accept the fact that disease, drought, too much rain, tornadoes or other “acts of God” could destroy the crops. Even when it seemed as if one could breathe and begin to harvest the crop it may not have been as healthy as it seemed. 
 
As a child I often wondered why any sane person, let alone people as healthy as my grandparents, would choose to take these risks.    Fortunately they were not always dependent on either the crops or the farm animals for surviving financially, but I do believe it was a major part of their budget.  They loved the farm and all it represented.  
 
Both of them, but especially Grandma Fannie, had perfected the art of putting one foot in front of the other one step at a time no matter what the odds of succeeding or failing. It was very clear to me and others in the family that giving up was never an option.  Even if the crops, for some reason, failed,  an animal got sick and died, the cow did not produce milk or the chicken did not lay eggs one did not give up.   One might indeed be forced at times to decide that their particular chickens were not going to lay eggs, that there would be no potatoes this year or the birds had eaten all the berries before they could be picked, but one went to the alternate plan which was always in place.
 
When Grandma Fannie said that “It is not over until it is over.” she was not just referring to a particular situation or project, she was referring to all of life.
 
I was thinking of this yesterday when I was talking to a young man sitting next to me at the Pittsburgh Symphony.  This young man is a professional musician who, until recently, had been playing for another major symphony orchestra.  He played the bassoon.  Obviously to be hired by a professional symphony orchestra one has to have refined their talent to a high degree.   Many music lesson and countless hours of practice prepare one for the audition which may have many other very talented applicants.  If one is both talented and lucky enough to get the position one has no guarantee for the future.  After playing for only five years this young man developed a condition which is not entirely uncommon for the player of a wind instruments,  One side of his face became numb.   He is now undergoing treatment, including occupational therapy,  in hopes that he will again be able to professionally play the bassoon with the symphony.  Yet, he is clear that he also needs to consider the possibility that he will not be able to return to playing.   Clearly, his first love is playing the Bassoon and yet, as is true for others that I know, he may have to choose another instrument or even another career. This young man seemed determined to do whatever he needs to do to have a good life even if it means choosing a new dream.
 
As it happens a number of my friends including the one with whom I attended the symphony performance, have had to choose new dreams because of an illness, a death or some other life changing event.   Every one of them has faced this challenge with a positive attitude and successfully envisioned and realized a new dream. Some of them, such as my friend Becky, has had to do that a number of times.  Yet, giving up is never an option for her.  She has changed dreams many times including completely changing careers from head of a school to a full time aunty-mom to her nephew. She is now is in a new phase of her life which includes dealing with both new limitations and new possibilities.
 
Becky, other friends, and the young man with whom I talked yesterday, all have accepted that giving up is not an option;  that it is not over until it is over.
 
Saturday night, when attending the Wheeling Hall of Fame induction dinner and ceremony, I saw a number of people I know who are facing new physical limitations imposed by age related conditions/changes and yet, to a person, they continue to be  passionate about life; to know that their dance is not over.  They are not preparing to die. They are preparing to live the phase of their dance of life.
 
As she aged, Grandma Fannie, made many changes in her life including selling the house that she and Grandpa Ed had built, purchasing a modular home and setting it up next to my sister Bonnie.  This strong, independent woman continued to live independently, but with some help.  She also continued to read, to learn a new word and day and to write letters.  In fact I received a letter from her the week after she died.
 
I, too, have had the opportunity to make new choices as life events have closed some doors and opened others.  Ever time I face such choices I Grandma Fannie is right there reminding me that “It is not done until it is done.”   The dance may change but it goes on.  Giving up is simply not an option or one that I would wish to be an option.
 
Thanks  Grandma Fannie
 
 
Written June 5, 2017
 
 
 
 

​Sunday Musings – June 4, 2017
Welcome to the table
 
Last Sunday I returned from my niece’s graduation celebration in the Denver area.   Monday being a holiday was a good day to play catchup and to let the experience of the weekend become more integrated into my being.   Otherwise my immediate life was very routine as was the case, I am sure, for most people. Writing, working with/for people, home chorettes, time with friends, and basic health filled most days.  Certainly, I am aware of national and international news -  of the achievements and the struggle of us humans to learn to work and live together.  There are many who were directly affected by violence this week – violence of mother nature, violence borne out of personal slights or perceived slights, and violence borne out of a belief that one is doing the will of God, Allah, democracy, human rights, or for some other righteous cause.
 
Yet, to be honest, as is true for many, if not most of us humans, much of my energy and attention was reserved for the people and events which most directly touched or affected the small circle in which I live my life.  The highlight within this circle was the Wheeling Hall of Fame induction and dinner celebration held last evening at the local Wesbanco Arena.  The ordinance establishing the Wheeling Hall of Fame reads as follows:
 
“A hall of fame to honor Wheeling citizens and former citizens for outstanding accomplishments in all walks of life shall be established in the Wheeling Civic Center…For purposes and selection and designation, the human endeavors shall be divided into the six major categories:
         (1) Music and Fine Arts              (4) Sports and Athletics
         (2) Business and Industry         (5) Public Service
         (3) Education and Religion        (6) Philanthropy”
 
As an adopted son of Wheeling and a person who adopted Wheeling only when I well into my fourth decade of life, I was amazed to realized that I had some connection with several of the honorees, their families and the board members of the Hall of Fame.  I also was aware of the warm greeting I received by many who were there to honor those being inducted into the hall of fame.  Again, I was reminded that Wheeling and the surrounding tristate area has become home for me.  For this I am most grateful.
 
What I was most aware of last evening was the extent to which the honorees – past and present – have holistically nourished many of us living in the Ohio Valley.  If one is to have a vibrant, life giving and not life taking community all of the citizens must be fed physically, nutritionally, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and financially. Although Wheeling is a reflection of the United States as a whole and, as such, is sometimes slow to be as inclusive as my understanding of spiritual morality would demand, it is a work in progress. This implies that as Bob Dylan would say “the times they are a changing”.  The richness which has been offered to a select group is gradually being extended to more of the community. 
 
Have said this, my experience and knowledge of several of those who were inducted into the Wheeling Hall of Fame and what I learned of others, affirms that there have been some who have long recognized and tirelessly worked to ensure that the day would arrive who all the citizens of this community would be seated at the table to be fed emotionally, spiritually, physically, nutritionally, financially and culturally.  Last night, those presenting the inductees and those accepting for the inductees affirmed this fact.
 
The current major Glenn Elliott; the powerfully wise and gentle Margaret Brennen; the unassuming Chuck Saad; the singer Molly Obrien who challenges us to be our best while feeding our soul; the business man, J. Ross Felton, whose guiding principle was to use business to enrich the life of  all those in the community; Fred Stamp and his wife Joan who lead with their hearts in creating and supporting the arts while working for a new understanding of justice: the work of the historic preservationist Betty Wood Nutting; the one who would with his art beat swords into plowshares, Robert Vallamagna; the electrical engineer, Harry Sands and his wife Hellen who perfected the art of guiding through giving and, thus, continue to feed many literally and spiritually at Sandscrest Retreat Center, and the doctor, John Fissell, whose creative talent brought innovations in healing techniques and facilities along with a host of others in this community have brought their offerings to the table for all to be fed.
 
As humans, we always, of course, fall short.  Yet, if we keep adding places at the table we will, as a work in progress, continue on this journey of rebirth; this journey of reaching for the best within us as individuals and as a village.  This, we can do. This we must do.
 
Written June 4, 2017
 
 

​Gender and work
 
All of us might recall from a basic science course or a physics course that work is done when a force that is applied to an object moves that object. The work is calculated by multiplying the force by the amount of movement of an object (W=F x D).   The concept is not complicated.   Yet, what “counts” as work varies according to the culture and, very often, the gender of the person doing the work.  Somewhere along the way humans – mainly men – decided that the day-to-day definition of work would often be determined by whether or not the culture had determined that the task performed was directly or indirectly being compensated in the form of money or perhaps goods.  In many places in the world the work done by women was either not considered work or was determined to be “just women’s work” which was not deserving of an income large enough on which to live independently.  This had, in part, to do with the fact that money or some other medium of exchange provides the freedom to live independently.  As long as women did not get paid they had to stay in a relationship.  Sometimes women would be “given” money for grocery shopping or other household expenses. If a woman found herself in an abusive relationship she might be able to surreptitiously save money out of the meager food allowance which would eventually allow her the ability to leave that abusive relationship.  One woman I know saved for three years. The day she was going to leave with the children her husband found and took the money.  She had to start saving all over again.
 
The concept of masculinity is culturally defined, but amazingly in many parts of the world there is a similar definition of masculinity.  Frequently the definition of masculinity is the exact opposite of femininity.  If, for example, women are free with showing and sharing emotions, men are very guarded about showing emotions.  Men like to think of themselves as physically strong and women are thought to be weak and physically helpless even if they are responsible for very demanding physical tasks which require a lot of physical strength. On the other hand, if a task requires physical strength but is not a task for which one is paid, it may be labeled as simply “women’s work.”    Although, on the whole there has been a slow process of re-examining and changing some of these cultural rules and traditions, all too often they remain intact.
 
I was thinking of these and related issues this morning after hearing an NPR report about the fact in many rural villages around the world water has to be carried for long distances, often in 5 gallon containers which when filled with water weighs 40 pounds.    Whether or not the men are working at another job, this is considered women’s work.  If children are enlisted to help, female children more often share these chores than do male children.  
 
If an adult male does decide to share the task of collecting and carrying the water other males will often make fun of him for breaking the rules and doing something feminine.
 
Today, at least in the United States and some other countries, adult males may be the stay at home parent while the woman in a heterosexual relationship earns the primary income.  Often, however, the stay at home male accomplishes far fewer tasks than the woman who is a stay at home parent. 
 
(If one wants to research just the one task of carrying water one can go to NPR and search for stories of women and water carrying tasks.)
 
For many years and even more so in the past 50 years or so women (and some men) have been questioning what it means to be masculine and what it means to be feminine.   It seems that the definitions have little or nothing to do with chromosomes, genitals or physical size. It is more related to who is making and controlling money and, thus, who is able to exercise control over others.  Often it is males who are in charge of determining who has power (or the illusion of power) and, thus, who has money and the consequent access to the freedom to live without emotional or physical abuse.
 
It is interesting that we have often held on the myths about masculinity or femininity even as machines have taken over much the physical labor in some parts of the world.  Much of what we now label as work does not require any physical labor and yet we may hold to our rigid constructs of masculinity and feminity.     There is movement towards changing these constructs, but we still need to seriously question what we want to teach our male and female children about these constructs.  If we want strong and capable males and females we may want to begin helping very young children explore how they are going to define themselves. If we are not going to use chromosomes or genitals as the determinants of gender roles than we may want to explore using the same moral values or characteristics for both healthy males and females.  In other words, we may want to focus on our similarities rather than our differences. We may also want to revisit the basic definition of work and explore what work is worthy of a decent wage or income.
 
We may also want to explore defining masculinity in terms of such values and behaviors as honesty, heart/ability or courage to love, willingness to share parenting and household tasks, spiritual courage, and a willingness to reduce or end sexism, homophobia, racism and other forms of oppression.
 
Written June 3, 2017
 
 

​A softer easier way
 
As most of my readers know, in addition to being a licensed professional counselor I am a certified addiction counselor.  If I am helpful to those who hire me to guide them in the healing process it is at least partially related to the fact that I can often identify with their struggles. While I may not experience the exact struggle they do, I can easily identify with the common struggle of each of us.  One of these struggle is the attempt to avoid the often-uncomfortable work or behavior which will lead to the long term results we want.  Those who work for/with addicts and programs such as the 12-step recovery program have heard the phrase “a softer easier way”.   Sometime family members, friends, law enforcement officials and even counselors seemingly cannot understand why so many addicts or others refuse to choose a healing path when it is so obvious that their current behavior is going to have long term negative results.  Actually, there are a couple of very understandable reasons which are:
 

• When addicted to certain drugs or even other behavior, parts of the brain are not working well. When addiction or compulsion are in charge, the primary goal is to satisfy that addictive urge or compulsion.
• It is very uncomfortable to attempt to withdraw from certain drugs or even certain behavior.  By definition discomfort is discomfort.
• The compulsive behavior, the drug or other substance works temporarily.   Even if the half-life of the drug is very short one can get not only quick relief but what many describe as euphoria.

 
For years, I smoked cigarettes.  I continued to smoke even though I knew:
 

• Nicotine was unhealthy.
• Nicotine was offensive to others.
• Nicotine left a nasty film over everything it touched.
• Nicotine embedded in my clothes so that everyone smelled it on me even after I did not smoke.
• Cigarettes were expensive
• It was embarrassing to be an addiction counselor who refused to deal with his own addiction.

 
I continued to pretend to myself to mitigate the effects of my nicotine use by:
 

• Switching to a pipe, the smell of which many claimed to enjoy.
• Looking for new rationalizations such as smoking expensive English cigarettes which did not have any additives and, thus, were purported to be less harmful.
• Only smoking in outdoor areas - in rain, snow, on the deck of a ship while passing through the Icy Straight in Alaska.
• Only smoking in secret and using products to “sweeten my breath” as if that was going to hide the smell from my hair, clothes, and breath.
• Hiring therapists to help me uncover the underlying reasons for my nicotine use thus avoiding the fact that it was a “simple addiction” which was uncomfortable to let go of.
• Using nicotine patches, nicotine gum, medication such as Chantix in the hopes that my urge/desire/compulsion would just disappear.

 
In short, for many years, while I told those addicted to alcohol, other drugs, certain food and other behavior that there was not an easier, softer way I did my best to find an easier, softer way.  Obviously, I “knew” better, I am not mentally challenged and, yet, I was determined that I was going to avoid the discomfort of quitting.  In fact, I convinced myself that it is just too uncomfortable.  After all, the research confirmed that nicotine was one of the toughest drugs to stop.
 
Finally, I had to either decide that I was going to continue to allow nicotine to control increasingly major portions of my life or I was going to use the tools I recommended to others. These included a support group and the use of the 12-step program.  I also, for a time, took Chantix (¼ of a tablet the effect of which was probably more psychological than physical). I continued to exercise daily and eat a healthy diet. Gradually the craving or compulsion decreased.  The craving may still temporarily make a cameo appearance if the memory of the “pleasure” of smoking or the temporary blocking of the feeling of discomfort gets triggered by something someone does or says.  For example, not long ago I was at a funeral of a man who had been in recovery.  After the funeral while waiting for the wake I stepped outside into a sea of smokers. I immediately thought, “I need a cigarette.”  Fortunately, I knew by this time to correct that thought with “If I was a smoker I would have a cigarette, but I am not a smoker.”  The craving did not linger.  It seldom does these days.
 
I can often be tempted to find a softer easier way to do just about any task which I dislike or which I find unpleasant.  Occasionally, there is a softer, easier way such as with shopping. I dislike shopping and now do much of my shopping on line.  With the advent of Amazon Prime I can buy even laundry soap and have it delivered for free (I do pay an annual fee but because of the amount I order each order is nearly free for shipping.)
 
Perhaps there are people who have always taken the high road, no matter how uncomfortable, inconvenient, or distasteful.  I am not that person. I would like to think that 99% of the time I just do the next right thing and do not waste any time looking for a softer, easier way. Actually, I think that I often do, but if the level of discomfort is high I am always on the lookout for a softer easier way.  Today, in order to buy into a softer, easier way I have to convince myself and at least one trusted friend who is always honest with me that the softer easier way does not carry an overt or covert price long term or short time. 
 
Today I know that I am stronger than any addiction, compulsion or discomfort. I know that if I do the next right thing I will not die of discomfort and, most importantly, will not have any garbage to clean up later. 
 
 
Still, it behooves me to remember that it is human/normal to want to find a softer, easier way.  I do not want to ever pretend with clients or friends that one can just do it.   Healing or changing habits of thinking and behavior is a slow, methodical process.  We can all do it, but it is  almost never the softer, easier way.
 
Written June 2, 2017
 
 

​Monsters within us or monsters among us?
 
I listened to or read the following this morning:
 

• A Ted Talk by Marion Peterson who was convicted of a violent crime in his early twenties, sentenced and served 10 years in prison.  Today he is a productive and healing presence in his community and beyond.  He “found redemption through a penpal mentorship program with students from Brooklyn.
• A story in the Wheeling, WV Intelligencer about an employer, Ziegenfelder, who gives men and women a second chance. “Lisa Allen, president and CEO of Ziegenfelder Co., a frozen novelty manufacturer in Wheeling, said the company’s hiring policy allows former drug offender to enter the workforce and become productive members of the community.” (The Intelligencer, page 1, June 1, 2017, article by Lind Comins)
• In the same article reporting on the West Virginia Opioid and Substance Abuse Seminar and featuring the report by Lisa Allen regarding the policy of Ziegenfelder’s, FBI Special Agent, Jeff Cisar who has been the Eastern Panhandle Safe Streets Coordinator for five years “recommended consistent, stiff penalties for the sale and possession of synthetic narcotics.
• An editorial in the same June 1 edition of The Intelligencer about the action of Rachel Duncan, a teacher and coach who has recently been convicted of nine counts of gross sexual imposition after “she victimized a solfball payer who was a juvenile part of the time the abuse (sexual) was going on. The editor of the newspaper called Ms. Duncan a monster.

 
Us humans have a long history of judging and labeling each other on the basis of a particular act, an illness, or some other feature.    Labels are very convenient. The often tell us what to think of a person, how to treat them and alleviates us of the responsibility to love or respect those we label. If we do not need to love or respect the object masquerading as a human we can, as Lyndsey Stonebridge on her discussion of Dr. Hannah Arendt on Oh Being, suggest, render them superfluous or non-human.    The history of humans is rife with examples of labeling others as not human.  We have and do refer to Christians, Muslims, pagans, gooks, the enemy, insurgents, terrorists, criminals, the insane or crazy, monsters, terrorists or a host of terms which purports to announce that this object is not human like us; that we do not have to see the mirror of ourselves in the other; that in using them, killing or otherwise mistreating “them” we are not hurting o killing a killing a human and, thus, not committing an immoral act.   The actions of a Roman Emperor, a Hitler, a Stalin or anyone who labels or treats others as non-human, as monsters, disposals, or superfluous will eventually lead to the breakdown and destruction of not only the moral fabric of that society but the society itself. 
 
Whether it Jesus reminding us that only the person without sin is entitled to throw the first stone, Martin Niemoeller reminding us that eventually we too will be labeled as superfluous or undesirable, Marion Peterson reminding us that those who commit violent crime are more than their crimes,  Lisa Allen leading the way by giving those who have lived with addiction a second chance, or Father Boyle proving that Los Angeles gang members are our brothers and sisters, we need to “listen” and heed their truth. 
 
Bryan Stevenson in his book Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption, reminds us that we are all more than our worst mistakes or the worst thing we have ever done.   We may never be a desperate addict, a person addicted to power, a person driven by lust, a person existing on the lowest level of the Marlow hierarchy who cannot consider the needs of others, an autistic person who is not able to see the mirror. the person whose brain is unable to have a conscience and can thus kill without any identification with others, or a President addicted to power and with a compulsive need to react with tweet.  Yet, we might be any of these or we might have other ways of hurting others.  We may have a compulsive need to put individuals or groups of individuals into little non-human boxes.
 
I am suggesting that I need to be very clear that:
 

• Violence is not healthy whether it is one person mistreating another or society being violent in the name of self-defense or justice.
• Abuse of any sort is not healthy for the victim or the perpetrator.
• Using a position of power to abuse or misuse others is not acceptable.
• Selling recreational drugs is not helpful or healthy for anyone.
• Stealing, robbing others or otherwise mistreating others does not benefit anyone long term.
• Treating an employee, a spouse, a janitor, or anyone else as less than will not bring positive long term results.
• Labeling and treating others as superfluous can never have long term positive results.  (It was not prison which “healed” Mr. Peterson but the mentoring program with the students.)

 
When we hear ourselves or others confusing the behavior with the core of the person we need to stop, take a breath and allow for the possibility that we are all more than that label.  If that is not true and we are just that label, then there is hope for any of us.
 
Written June 1, 2017