Step one for fathers (and mothers)!
 
Step one of the 12 step program founded by Bill and Dr.  Bob is a stark reminder for the addict that the when he or she takes that first drink, pops that first pill, gives in to hurtful sexual behavior or feeds the dragons of greed one is powerless.  Those using the 12-step program  quickly realize that many of their reactions to people, places and things has to do with the fact that they are powerless over not just their drug use or activity but over all people, places, events and things.  In fact, the only power one has is to accept one powerlessness over those people, places or things and focus on the limited power one does have.  
 
Step one simply states that:  “We admitted that we were powerless over ______- that our lives had become unmanageable.     This is not just about alcohol, other drugs, or other behavior.  It is about addiction when the compulsive need to drink, use other drugs or engage in other behavior overrides all other needs and one’s values.  Anyone who has lived with or worked for/with an addict knows that the only moral imperative for an active addict is “more” and “more” is never enough.   In many respects the brain of an active addict is similar to that of a young child.  The brain of young child will seldom know when more sugar and more play time is enough.  Healthy parents quickly learn that they are powerless over the mind of the young child.   The parent must be very vigilant with eyes in the front, back and sides of their head.   That parent also develops an acute sense of hearing .  They  will also learn how to function on a very limited amount of sleep.    Even when attentive, the healthy child will wander off to conduct a scientific experiment on the cushion of the new expensive couch or learn to use Alexa to order more toys or supplies for their scientific experiments.  As they age they may wander off to engage in behavior with more long-term consequences such as experimenting with drugs or deciding sex without protection is cool.
 
With any luck and a lot of Grace the child or children grow up to be responsible, creative, independent, self-supporting young adults who choose a partner and friends who treats them as if they were all the gold and diamonds wrapped up into one.   They may make even braver choices to be the next aspiring Joshua Bell  or Sonia Sotomayor.  They may become that  person who goes to jail because of their beliefs or the dissonant who blows the whistle  on corrupt behavior. 
 
No matter how old our children we will find ourselves repeating the first step many times a day and practicing the principle of the serenity prayer – “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
 
Parenting is the toughest and most rewarding and important job we will ever do.
 
June 16, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

Time
 
It occurs to me that the phrase losing time is an indirect way of saying that I often waste time  doing what is not that important, waiting for some event to which I am looking forward, unhappy because someone or something is not behaving the way I wanted them or it to,  or not treasuring each moment that I have with an old or potentially new friend.   Some friends accuse me of wasting time; time  I could be learning from them instead of rejecting the pearls of wisdom they are offering.
 
As I age I am increasingly aware that my grandparents and others were correct in saying that time moves faster as one ages.  I have no idea of why this is.  i know that in some respects I have more commitments and interests than I had as a child.  On the other hand, as a child there was a lot to do; homework, gardening, drawing water,  chopping wood,  tending to various farm animals such as the chickens, periodically digging a new hole and moving the outhouse, and whatever other chores life on the farm without electricity and running water demanded if one wanted to eat, take a weekly bath or stay warm in the winter. 
 
I now know why some older folks  do not bother to take down the holiday decorations since the next Thanksgiving or other holiday will arrive momentarily.   
 
Yet, it does seem as our military involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan have been going on forever; that Brexit has always with us and unkind and crude political tweets are never ending. 
 
What is that I am wasting when I “waste time”?  What is time?  Some would say it is an artificial construct although my friend Ben is quick to refute that idea. Some would state  is a simple way of measuring the bridge between events or activities.  One can play a quarter or half note on a musical instrument.  One can, as I did  recently, move through space over a period of something we elect to call time from my house to the Apple Store some 50 miles. 
 
Time is such a simple concept until we realize that It obeys laws identified by Einstein and others.   If one asks Merriam-Webster for the definition of time one finds:  “The measured or measurable period during which an action, process or condition exists or continues; duration.”     It would appear from this definition that this is an objective fact which can be stated and experienced as such.  It may be that indeed it can be measure on a clock or a calendar but ask any child waiting for his or her birthday how much time between birthdays or ask a person waiting for the return of their love how long a year is.  I was just chatting with a friend who is recognizing the anniversary of his son’s death from a drug overdose.   For he and many parents time has stopped since that fateful day.
 
The Franciscan writer, teacher and founder of the Center for Action and contemplation in an April 13, 2017 (updated and rebroadcast June 13, 2019) conversation with Krista Tippett, host of On Being reminds the listener of the Greek word kairos which can be translated as “deep time”   As he says deep time is when you have moments of being present; moments of deep contemplation; moments of getting it; moments when one feels perfectly aligned with the universe(s) and there is no time because time is the past, present and future.  One just is.   One  experiences one’s purpose  - a purpose which cannot be named - and is perfectly content.
 
The past is always a part of the present but does not have to define it.  The present always contains the possibilities of the future.   When I am at peace with my past in  the present and open to the possibilities of the future without thinking I am in control or am going to be in control or need to be in control I may experience deep time.  When experiencing deep time, I have no need to label it as time or  Kairos.   It just is.
 
Written June 14, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Words of convenience
 
I often think about the power of words, especially descriptive words and  how casually many of us seem to toss them into the air to land where they might; to land where they encourage ignorance; to land where perhaps they will enlighten; to land where they may cause deep wounds; to land where they join other words to form a story which often gives the illusion of truth, justice, or resolution.     The word perpetrator is such a word. Toss it out there and soon it may be joined by words or phrases such as rape, power, worthless, scum, fear, shame, undeserving, touching without touching, escape, momentary relief,  anger, escape, empty, disconnected, throwaway, dangerous, unwanted, unloved, or fear.
 
We know that rape is often about power; about using another person and treating them as worthless as the perpetrator feels he or she has been treated.  We know that rape is certainly not about consensual love making or recreational sex.  We know it is not about sex per se although some do report that sexual activity functions much like a drug which provides some momentary relief.  We know that rape is about the inability to focus on the needs or feelings of the one being raped. 
 
We know  the that rape is the symptom of some pain, of some deep wound which has resulted in the loss of trust, hope, or ability to care about  the needs or feelings of the other person.  We know that the rapist may not be able to trust enough to explore that deep, painful wound which has led to them behaving in this deeply disturbing and painful manner.  We know that the rapist may attempt to explain or make sense of his or her behavior by blaming another person or events.   Many will view  the rapist as a throw away as in lock them up and throw away the key or even “kill the evil person”.  
 
I am not suggesting that forced and perhaps physically hurtful sexual behavior is ever okay.   I am suggesting that treating the perpetrator of rape as this this person who is not worth reclaiming; as this person who is not worth saving but whom locking up and treating like a piece of garbage benefits no one long term.  We may or may not find a way to undercover the pain or the brain dysfunction which led to such terrible behavior but the present system is spiritually and financially very expensive and does not help prevent future acts of  violence which are not primarily sexual in nature but about a temporary feeling of power and relief.
 
Words are easy to toss around. It  is much harder to identify and treat the underlying causes. In the long run, however, it is more effective and benefits everyone including the perpetrator.
 
The perpetrator Is someone’s son or daughter.  He or she did not make a conscious decision to be that person who had violent urges they felt unable to control.  They are a human being worthy of love with a brain disorder which we may learn how to treat.  Treating them as this  bad, worthless person benefits no one.  Paradoxically, we treat the perpetrator just as the perpetrator has treated the person they raped. Who does this benefit?
 
Written June 12, 2019

Who will write our story?
 
Sitting at the airport or even in a restaurant It can be fun to write the stories of those I observe.  Yet, even then I have to examine the assumption I am making based on age, race, dress, physical attributes, or other social constructs. For example, sitting across from my table. Is a young man, age 14 or so sitting with a younger woman who could be his mother  and two older women?   He seems to have an easy relationship with all three of the women. I imagine him to be a good student, a leader among his peers, and adored by these three women.  He seems well spoken, has a mind of his own and seems to know he will be listened to.  I have no idea who his father is or if he has two mothers..   He appears Caucasian and English seems to be his first language. 

I have to ask myself what story I would tell if he were a different race, was less well spoken, did not have a very traditional, neat haircut, his skin was not so clear, or he was not so well proportioned.   
 
So far, writing the story of these three women and the young man has not  done any harm.  Yet, if I am writing  their story based on these superficial assumptions, I have to ask myself how often I do this with people I meet and with  whom I interact.  How often do I write the story of someone I meet without ever listening to and hearing their story?
 
It has been said that we are our stories.   The story we tell ourselves are influenced  or affected by the social constructs and the labels which others assign us and, which,  we are prone to internalize; especially If we hear them often.    The story we tell many of our African American neighbors, our neighbors of different religions, or those who live in the big house and drive an expensive car is often much different than the story we tell ourselves.
 
One has to wonder what changes would ensue if we actually listened to and heard our own story  - not the story others have assigned to us . One has to wonder what changes would ensue. If we actually listened to the stories others tell us;  not the stories made up of social constructs, fears,  hopes, and the. dreams of others for us. 
 
Who are we?  What is our story?  Sometimes our story is explicitly written on the basis of our gender, sexual orientation,  race or some other characteristic.   If not careful  we will adopt this story or spend a lifetime reacting to it which in essence makes it our story.      On the drive to this restaurant to meet friends I heard one such story.  Apparently, Beth Moore, a bible teacher, is a rock star who has written dozens of best-selling book, has a large media following and, when speaking, packs sporting arenas and big-name churches.  Yet, other. Southern Baptist leaders such as Owen Strachan who is professor of Christian Theology at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Kansas City, Mo., unashamedly says “For a woman to teach and preach to adult men is to defy God’s word and God’s design.”  R. Albert Mohler Jr., President of. Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky said in a podcast “There’s just something about the order of creation that means that God intends for the preaching voice to be a male voice,”
 
Apparently Beth Moore is not adopting these sexist tale as her story.  Yet, all too often we allow others – church leaders, parents, other relatives, teachers, and well-meaning friends to dictate our story.   We have to choose and live our own story and honor the right of others to live their story.  We might, however, want to limit the leadership roles in some organizations to leaders who do not attempt to be such dictators.
 
Written June 11, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

​Sunday Musings – June 9, 2019
 
 I had a note yesterday from my nephew who accompanies the family dog, Truman,  on a walk every morning.  I was not surprised to hear him say that Truman “is a great consigliere, truly listens, gives sound advice and is brutally honest”.   I am sure he was speaking a bit tongue in cheek when he used the word consigliere since many may think of the term as an adviser to a crime boss!  Yet, my amazing nephew is involved with a lot of projects - community, home and work projects. He and his wife are two of those truly admirable leaders who seem to have no need to be recognized by the wider community.  Of course, it is good to have the respect and ear of some in the community who can assist in moving past good ideas to manifest reality.
 
The fact that he listens to that wise core of himself which he has allowed Truman to channel is another indication of his humility and courage.   It does indeed take great courage to listen to our thoughts and feelings in bright daylight.  A lot of the work I am honored to do involves being present to listen to those parts of the stories of individuals and families which are often painful and have been considered shameful.  Daily I am reminded that hiding behind shame often destines us humans to keep repeating the same mistakes or hurtful behavior which results in more shame.  The cycle of shame and hurtful behavior benefits no one.
 
For two days this week  I was attending the second annual conference on Shedding Light on Mental Illness sponsored by the local chapter of the National Alliance for Mental Illness in conjunction with West Liberty University. There were a number of speakers and workshops, almost all of them addressing the general topic of trauma;  living with mental illness whether that be an illness with which one is born,  predisposed to or an illness which has disrupted one’s function after serving in combat, growing up with parents living with mental illness or some other traumas or series of trauma.   Fortunately, healers - physicians, nurses, counselors, social workers, and those who use complimentary healing approaches have begun to more aggressively reclaim the power of listening as individuals and families tell their stories.   Not surprisingly the many healing tools of modern medicine are not very helpful if there is not someone to listen without shaming  the person or minimalizing the events, behavior or other traumatic conditions which results in such internal dis ease.      Pretending as is some event was not traumatic or truly hurtful is not helpful. On the other hand, shaming is not helpful.   If someone pretends as if some hurtful deed one did to oneself, someone did to one,  or one did to someone else was not hurtful one cannot begin to heal.  Shaming someone or treating them as less than is also not helpful and prevents healing.
 
None of us can undo past trauma or any deeds.  Certainly, physical structures can sometimes be rebuilt.    I can make another meal if I burn one.   A critically injured heart or psyche cannot be rebuilt.  Terrible memories cannot be erased.  We can, however, create a new chapter in our story; a chapter which sometimes because of its base of jagged rocks can be powerfully healing, creative or a source of new strength and a new level of wisdom for the wider community.
 
My week also included time with clients, co-workers, store clerks, community members, friends and others.  We sat together in person, communicated via telephone, text, messaging, email, and snail mail letters.  We communicate with words, touch, smell, and sounds. 
What each of us will remember is a sense of connection; a sense of being listened to and offered sounds, honest advice  or a sense of being ignored.   The fact that Truman the family dog is not actually offering the advice in words but allowing it to bounce back to the listening ears and heart of my nephew. does not, in any way diminish the power of the consigliere.
 
Written June 9, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 
 

​Honesty with self
 
One of the tenants of any spiritual programs is honestly.  Most of us are well aware that the most difficult person with whom to be honest is oneself.  We also know that honesty with self is a process and not a destination.  Certainly, for me, just about the time that I have decided that I am being completely honest with myself about some issue, I discover that I am unwittingly still lying.  I am especially cognizant of this when exploring two issues. These are:
 

• Listening to others with an open mind.
• Loving other unconditionally.

 
I like to think of myself as open minded and, yet, I am aware that there are individuals and issues about which I am so certain that  opinion X  or person A could never be right that I have closed off my hearing even before they speak.  I may indeed listen to or read the words but instead of listening or seeing I am already formulating my opposing opinion.   I may then even accuse them of being arrogant or close minded when, in fact, it may be I who is being arrogant and close minded.  Even when I allow for this possibility I may, at times, find it difficult to set aside my preconceived opinion to listen with an open mind.    This dishonest process may occur with a politician or even a close friend that I respect.  I am well aware that I am not, in these divisive times, the only person to do this but I am always disappointed or sometimes amused when I discover I am doing it.  Why would I do this?  I am well aware that I am not in possession of “the truth” on any subject.  I have taken enough logic classes to “know” that if statement one is true than statement two has to be true.  Conversely, if statement one is false that statement two will be false!  The easiest example of this has to do with certain political figures or political positions.  There are political or even moral lines which I have told myself I will not cross. The truth is that there are many situations I have never personally experienced and I cannot truly say how I would respond.  There are political persons whose behavior in general is so different that what I think is moral or ethical that  even if they  expressed an opinion with which I agreed I would question their motives for saying it.   There are also those individuals whose manner of speaking I hear through the memory chip of a critical parent, teacher or authority figure. I respond as if I am the angry little boy speaking to that critical person.  I know that I hear with my mind and not my ears but I am always “shocked” when I realize what I have done. Then, of course, I often have to laugh at myself and then apologize.  I am reminded of the line from the poem by Robert Frost, “and miles to go before I sleep.”  I will spent the rest of my life journey uncovering, one by one, the lies I tell myself about how open minded I listen.
 
Loving others (even myself) unconditionally is a both a spiritual goal and principle.   I want to love others without any expectations or conditions and, yet, I am very aware that as soon as I think I have made some progress in that direction, I “hear” that internal voice asking, “Why didn’t he or she respond to my gift, email or phone call?”  There may be a part of me, at times, who is genuinely worried that he or she may be ill or responding to some emergency, but then I listen to the next sentence in my head, “This is unfair. I do such and such.” or “He or she finds time to respond to X. Why am I always last?”    In other words, my gifts of time, money, a card, or something else was given with expectations or conditions.   So much for unconditional love or caring.  
 
The good news is that today I am more aware of when I lie to myself than I was yesterday.   I am not as clueless as I was yesterday  and I hope to be less clueless tomorrow,  but both of these (and other) spiritual goals are just that, goals.   I know enough to have reduced the fussing at myself.  My goal is to just notice when I lie to myself (and others), be accountable and, when appropriate and not hurtful to others, make amends. 
 
While I do not want the truth “We are all a work in progress.” to be an excuse, I also want to keep focused on making progress in being more honest with myself.  I want to own the truth that there is always a possibility that I am still lying to myself about something which is relatively unimportant or about something which is more important and potentially harmful to myself or someone else.
 
 
Written June 5, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​The meeting of souls
 
Know me
 
meet my pain
 
Know you
 
meet your pain
 
The pathway to the meeting of souls.
 
The intersection of peace
 
Even laughter.
 
Written June 4, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​The creation of a soul
 
I was listening to a radio program the other day while driving and did not have an opportunity to make a note of the source.  At any rate, someone suggested that John Keats posited the idea that humans must create their soul.  I had not previously heard this Keats quote.  When I googled it , I found a reference to a letter he wrote to his brother and sister-in-law during the period of February 14 to May 23 1819.  He is quoted as saying, “Do you not see how necessary a World of Pains and Troubles is to school an Intelligence and make it a soul?  A place where the heart must feel and suffer in a thousand diverse ways!  Not only is the Heart a Hornbook, It is the Minds Bible, …
 
This led me to thinking about the etiology of the word soul.  Quora.com suggests that the word soul derives “from the Old English sawol, which in turn came from the Gothic Salwala. These words have “Roughly the same meaning (the principle of life if man or animals).”
 
Theologians and philosophers have debated whether all animals or just humans have souls.  Thomas Aquinas posited that all animals have souls but only humans have immortal souls.
 
The reader may now be asking if I am again running off to another largely academic argument which has little to do with the important issues which face the ordinary person.  Is it only theologians and philosophers who have the luxury of indulging in such esoteric discussions or debates?  Perhaps, but it seems to me that the suggestion of Keats concerning the creation or perhaps experience of the soul is well worth the attention of all of us.  I am going to be so bold as to suggest that Keats is correct in  assuming that not only “a World of Pains and Troubles” is necessary to “school an intelligence and make it a soul” but that one must allow oneself to experience that pain and troubles at a deep level .   Avoidance of the emotional experience of pain and troubles is as old as the breath which first brought life into humans and other animals.  Yet,  for many thousands of years a majority of humans were so immersed in the reality of survival that pain and troubles was not to be avoided.   This is still true for many.   Yet, perhaps for a variety of reasons it is possible for many of us humans to avoid facing our pain and troubles with alcohol, other drugs, sex, shopping, new cars, houses, professions, food and a host of other alternatives which brings spurts of temporary relief.
 
It does not take a licensed counselor or other human service professional to know that it is only when we face our fears, trauma related pains, heartaches and other painful issues that we can experience an intimate relationship with ourselves, other people and  the rest of the world.  It is only within that intimacy that we can experience a sense of joy and a sense of belonging.  Belonging allows for breath.  There is a reason that we hold our breath when we feel overcome or overwhelmed with pain.  It is only when we allow  that breath that we exist as more than an empty shell. 
 
Although scientific studies now question if the absence of an identifiable breath defines the moment of death, we all agree that in a very real sense breath equals life.  A shallow breath does not allow us to be fully present to ourselves or others.  The soul is not present.  
 
When we run from our pain and troubles we are disconnected and, thus, so not exist or perhaps we merely exist but do not live. 
 
We now know that healing from the trauma of combat, abuse, and addiction requires that one face the details and the depth of the pain in order for healing and thus life to begin.  One might call this process the birth of the soul.
 
Written June 3, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

​
Sunday musings – June 2, 2019
“Out, damned spot”
 
Most readers will immediately recognize the title quote by Lady Macbeth who utters this phrase while sleepwalking in the castle and imagining that she has blood on her hands.  She and her husband are, as we know, responsible for many cruel behaviors including murder.  The next line. Shakespeare gives her in this scene is “Hell is murky” indicating that she already is tormented with guilt.
 
All of us have, if we are honest or at least a little self-aware,  engaged in behavior which was not consistent with what we believe or know to be moral or ethical.  Depending on what we were taught as children we might assume the God of our understanding is going to punish us. . Many of us will torment ourselves as does Lady Macbeth while we imagine an angry God who is encouraging us to treat ourselves as the hopeless sinner that we are.
 
Not being accountable is not healthy or helpful and will ultimately lead to more unhealthy or hurtful behavior.   Yet, beating oneself up will lead to feeling hopeless and likely result in one continuing to engage in behavior which is not consistent with one’s ethical or moral beliefs. 
 
Jesus, Buddha, and the founders of the 12-step program would all have had similar advice for  Lady Macbeth.  Lady Macbeth and her husbands need to be accountable for their sins.  They do not have the power to bring the murdered people back to life or to undo other hurtful deeds, but she and her husband could have admitted their horrible deeds, repented and, when possible, made amends.  This, of course, does not happen with either the king or lady Macbeth nor is it the approach most judicial systems take.  Justice is frequently equated with long term punishment.  The  tax payers achieve so called justice and the illusion of a safer community at great expense to them financially and at an even greater expense spiritually.   The result is more disconnecting/hurtful behavior.
 
We in the United States  increasingly execute fewer people and then only after many years of appeals.   We may inflate our egos as we point fingers at North Korea’s “justice” systems as it executes 9 people  and sentences another to hard labor for the alleged role in the failed talk with President Trump in  February of 2019, but the truth is that we still have a very punishment model of dealing with people who are not able to connect lovingly and empathically with others or  even with themselves. We also punish those who behavior we simply do not like or approve of.   It is fascinating to me that  those  who do well in programs such as the 12-step program or others with active support group over and over again report that a significant factor and often the chief factor which allowed them to take the leap of working a recovery program is that, for the first time, they felt as if they belonged and were loved.  As simplistic as it may sound, a sense of belonging and being loved is the key ingredient which is responsible for  individuals being able to work together as a community.  The success of the populist parties around the world seems largely related to individuals feeling as if someone cares about them and they are an important part of a community. Post WWI Hitler gave many Germans a sense of importance and belonging to something greater than themselves.


Scientific understanding of anti-social behavior, including  but not limited to that associated with addiction and other brain disorders, is in the early stages.  I would not be surprised if we discovered that many of those who early in life  feel alone and disconnected from others have a brain condition similar to that which is thought to be responsible for those on the autism spectrum.   We do know that human brains develop at different rates.  We also know that we all process and retain information differently. Furthermore, we know that diet, exercise, genetics, and environmental factors affect our ability to work and play congenially with others. 
 
Science increasingly reinforces the teachings of many historic spiritual teachers. Perhaps it is time that we explored a judicial system based on science and not on what feels good temporarily but which helps no one long term.   “Out damned spot” might be better greeted with a welcome hug, a format for making amends and a prescription for healing the brain physically and emotionally.   Restorative justice might fit this prescription.  It the brain is not capable of being healed so that the person is able to consider the needs and rights of others then the person may need to be in a safe, restrictive environment but they do not need to be punished for what they cannot change.  We may not be able to “cast out demons” but we may know how to help the brain function in a way which can consider the needs and rights of others.
 
Written June 2, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org