​Learning to discriminate
 
For several years I was a member of the Racial Justice committee at the YWCA in Wheeling.  I have also been blessed to be a member of other groups whose goal was to examined not whether, but in what ways I and other members had learned to be racist, sexist, homophobic or otherwise discriminatory and oppressive.
 
One of the first exercises the members of the Racial Justice Committee members were asked to do was to write about one’s earliest memory of being racist. We had to repeat this exercise several times and then read what we had written to the rest of the members of the committee.   The first time I wrote I described an incident when I was about 5-year-old. I had done something which I knew my mother would not approve.   When she questioned me about it I very deliberately blamed the boy of the same age with whom I was playing. I knew, at age 5, that because the other boy was black my mother would believe me and not him.    I also knew at age 5 that my behavior was not right. I am not sure how I knew the later, but I clearly felt guilty.  In my memory, the guilt began as soon as I lied to my mother.  The guilt about the racism was clearly more than the guilt about lying.  In fact, as I recall, it seemed reasonable to me to lie since my mother’s anger could be very frightening.  Although my lying seldom worked I knew it in this instance it would work.
 
By age 5 or perhaps earlier I also “knew” that women were inferior to men; that it was wrong to be attracted to the same sex; that boys who were not willing to physically fight were sissies; that “those people” included “foreigners, Native Americans and anyone who was different.  Additionally, I had learned that it was shameful to be financially poor.  I also had learned that it was okay to kill one’s enemy and that only bad people were in jail.
 
At the same time, I knew that in church I was taught to love one’s enemy unless; that God loved “those people” as long as they stayed on their side of the track; that only protestant Christians were going to heaven; that poor people did not deserve to go to college; that some women were professional and to be respected, but they were still responsible for children, cooking and maintenance of the home.  Women were to be respected because they were weak and fragile.  Girls learned how to take care of children by playing with dolls. Boys learned to play with trucks and weapons.  
 
In short, learning “truths” started when one was very young.  Yet, many of these truths conflicted with my simple interpretation or understanding of the lessons I was learning in Sunday School.   Even some of those did not make sense.  I was not very old before I also noticed Aunt Bullah was a minister and seemed happier and kinder than most male ministers and some of my peers who came from “wealthy” families who had new cars, televisions and electricity were not very nice.
 
The members of the Racial Justice Committee assumed that all people – male, female, white, black, brown, college educated or not – had learned to be racist, sexist, homophobic, and otherwise discriminatory/oppressive.  It was our job to practice getting honest with ourselves so that we could identify some of the lies we had learned and begin to correct those lies.
 
When someone says to me that they are not racist, sexist or otherwise discriminatory I am very confused. I am not convinced that it is possible to grow up in the United States or most other countries and not learn many lies based on race, gender, age, nationality, religion, culture, or ableness.
 
When someone says that many have become too sensitive or too politically correct I suspect that what they mean is:
 

• Often many of us more concerned about pointing out how wrong or bad others are rather than focusing on problem solving or looking at our own oppressive behavior.
• The goal is to punish and not teach.
• One may be concerned with saying the currently accepted language rather than “walking the talk”.

 
We do, I believe, need to be clear that all of us
have internalized many lies about ourselves and others we would do well to unlearn.  We do, I believe, have to work together to find creative ways to more quickly create a more equal, just society and to “treat” the direct and indirect effects of the history of unequal treatment and opportunity.  We can do this humility and kindness while also being clear that discrimination and oppression is simply not acceptable.
 
Written  August 20, 2018
 
 

​Sunday Musings -  August 19, 2018
 
Last evening, thanks to a generous friend who had an extra ticket, I attended a performance of the Cleveland Symphony at the Blossom Music Festival.    As I looked at the giant pavilion covered in slate and housing a large seating area and a giant stage with a rich wooden design for the sound walls and ceiling I was filled with awe and gratitude.  (There is a huge curved steel beam forming the frame for the structure. One can look on line to get more information. The structure was designed by architect Peter van Dijk.)
 
Well over a hundred musicians joined the guest conductor James Gaffigan and the guest pianist Stephen Hough to present a program of music composed by Barber, Mendelssohn, and Sibelius. The rich sounds washed over the crowd in the seats and on the lawn where many more were seated.   People of all nationalities and representing many cultures were nurtured by the magical sounds of the various instruments playing together.
 
Sadly, being able to attend such an event requires a generous host such as the one I had or enough money for the ticket(s) and safe transportation.   There may have been some whose attendance was sponsored, but, in general, these sorts of evens are not designed for those who struggled just to pay the bills including school supplies.
 
Certainly, the internet gives even the poor access to a wide range of music and art then once was possible.  Yet, I also know that when schools cut or “trim” budgets it is the arts program which often are the first to be eliminated.
 
 
Some museums have a free evening and/or day every week.    Some schools still sponsor field trips to museum and other cultural attractions.
 
Many communities have free summer concerts.  Here in Wheeling, WV, where I am now living, during the summer there is a weekly free concerts  and also some lunch time free concerts. They Wheeling Symphony also offers some free concerts and works with local students.
 
Some of us, no matter what our early economic or cultural background, have been blessed to find our way to the arts.  Luck, fate, accidental meetings and other chance events can ignite the spark of creativity.
 
Some of us, no matter what our economic or cultural background, will not have the creative spark ignited or will have it snuffed out by addiction, mental illness or the daily struggle of basic survival.
 
I am reminded that the poet Niki Giovanni once said that that it is sad enough that money and opportunity are so unequally shared, but just as sad is to have the privilege of money and opportunity and not enjoy or make good use of it.  (I have no idea how accurate I am quoting her but my memory tells me this is the gist of what she said.)
 
Humility means many things but, for me. It means reminding myself to be grateful for all that has been given me, to make good use of all that has been given to me, to remember that I am not more deserving than others of what has been given to me.  Accidents of birth, the generosity and faith of others, and other events for which I can take no credit allow me to live in a nice home, to be healthy enough to work and to enjoy such events at the performance at Blossom as well as the art of the pavilion.
 
It is not okay for these gifts to be withheld from many.  It is not okay if I take them for granted or fail to appreciate them.
 
Written August 19, 2018
 
 

Sound Bites
 
There was a recent flurry of word activity on social media here in Wheeling after a local business owner succumbed to the temptation to use what some including my friend Barbara has labeled as sound bites. I think of sound bites as words or phrases which are intended to criticize, insult or otherwise provoke a reaction or pretend to be stating something profound when they actually state nothing useful. They are usually like tautologies.  Tautologies are phrases such as “The red wagon is red.” which is a true statement and may be said in a profound manner, but which adds nothing to one’s fund of knowledge. Of course, red wagons are red.  What other color would they be?
 
The sound bites which the person in Wheeling used on social media were:
         America first.
         Politically correct
 
America first is a phase which sounds as if is saying something which everyone in the United States should agree with.   The initial problem I have with this sound bite is that the United States is not America.  The United States of America is just one of the American countries.  Secondly, even if one said “The United States first” it is only a partial truth.   It is true that we must take care of the issues which are uniquely ours.  We, as United States citizens must insure that the needs of our citizens are met and that we are addressing our past and current mistakes in policies and action.   At the same time, we must accept that we are part of a larger whole. What we do or do not do affects many others just as what they do affects all of us in this country.  
 
The term politically correct makes it sound as if one is intending to impose a rule or behavior on someone just because it is politically expedient and not because the socially accepted rule or behavior has become so because it has been recognized and accepted that in this country we have agreed to take the phrase “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men (and women) are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights…” very seriously. As a community which forms a country we have struggled with coming to terms with the fact that racism, sexism and other forms of discrimination - of treating some as less than - is not consistent with who we want to be as a people.   We have come a long way in our understanding and acceptance of this phrase or this statement since Thomas Jefferson first penned it.   To write off that growth as “just politically correct” is to discount the pain that has been caused by the unequal treatment of others and the pain of separating ourselves from our fellow citizens.
 
It may still be painful for some to let go of certain learned lies or prejudices.  We can certainly be sensitive to that pain without pretending as if it is okay to deal with discomfort by reverting to cruel treatment of each other.
 
To his credit the person who recently publicly used these words in Wheeling has agreed to a dialogue which I interpret as including the willingness to a discussion which goes beyond he use of sound bites. Hats off to all of us who are willing to sit at the table and work together to make the words of Thomas Jefferson even more of a reality in this country.
 
 
Written August 18, 2018
 

​Who is this god?
 
In the 12 step programs which began with AA and now include SA, OA, SAA, NA, MA and others refer to a power greater that ourselves and the God of our understanding.  While it is true that sometimes in an AA meeting one might get the impression that the use of the prayers known by Christians as The Lords’ Prayer one needs to accept the Christian concept of God in order to work a 12-step recovery program, most individuals in a 12-step program would suggest that it is important to respect that there are as many paths to a power greater that oneself just as there are paths to addictive behavior.
 
In step 4 of the 12-step program one does a searching and fearless moral inventory which one then shares with another human being – usually someone in the program.   One then asks to have the defects of character removed and eventually one makes amends to those one has harmed (except when to do so would cause harm to someone).  The goal obviously is not punishment but to open the door to a healthy relationship with oneself and with others. Being human one has to frequently work each step. Yet one is never shamed  - only held accountable.
 
The moral inventory, sharing, removal of character defects and making amends is done after steps 2 and 3 in which one has come to believe in a power greater than oneself which can restore one to sanity.  There is no requirement before steps 2 and 3 except to have a desire to stop using/stop feeding one’s addictive behavior.  
 
Contract the 12 step approach with the approach of many whose framework is a version of the Christian religion who assert that one must first repent and accept Jesus as Lord and Savior before God forgives one. In fact, the famous United States evangelist, Billy Graham said that an active act of repentance and acceptance of Jesus as Lord and Savior was necessary before God would forgive one and open the door to heaven.
 
Recently I watch a movie entitled “Come Sunday” which is a true story based on the excommunication of Bishop Carlton Pearson from the same branch of Christianity which Oral Roberts represented.  Oral Roberts was the very conservative minister who rejected his own son because he was gay and who later rejected his black adopted son, Carlton Pearson,  because Carlton came to believe that the God whom Jesus claimed as father would and could not send starving people in Africa to hell just because they had not accepted Christ as their personal savior. In fact, in the movie, Carlton declared to his mega- church congregation that the God which he and others had preached was a monster if indeed this God would punish people for all eternity for not even having access to the narrow concept and language of the God who could only be accessed through a stated acknowledgement of Jesus as a personal savior.
 
After he was excommunicated from this segment of the Christian Church he eventually became a minister for the Unitarian Church where he continues to serve as pastor in Tulsa, Oklahoma.   I was particularly drawn to this movie because I have long believed that the god which is posited by many religious people is a monster.  I was also a member of a very conservative Southern Baptist Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  The God I was taught was one to be constantly feared because HE (always a he) was a very jealous, self-centered, punishing God who was not accepting of one’s humanness.  Humans in this belief system are basically bad and sinful and only go to heaven if they are as self-centered, arrogant, judgmental, and punishing as the God they have posited.  In this system, one knows that one is constantly falling short and in danger of eternal damnation but one can always confess and get back on track for a brief time by using the right words to the right god.
 
God is always an invention of humans. The god of our understanding is an attempt to explain the miracles of our ability to takes care of each other; the miracles of our acceptance of our role is his amazing universe(s) which requires every plant, animal, and even mineral to be balanced.  Nothing happens in this universe which does not affect the entire universe. Is it this system which we call God?  Is it the system which incorporates our ability to love and take care of each other we call God? It is our collective fear of ourselves and each other that we call God – a fear which causes us to lash out and kill each other.
 
The 12-step program challenges us to ask if the God of our understanding can restore one to sanity.  A punishing, judgmental, eternally damming God cannot restore one to sanity.  
 
Carlton and many others challenge us to ask how we came to accept the God of our understanding? Did we accept out of fear or out of love? What sort of God/higher being/power greater than ourselves makes sense?
 
Who is this that we call god/GOD?
 
Written August 17, 2018

​The language of healing
 
The words language and healing are very deliberately chosen for the subject and title of this brief blog.
 
There are, of course, many languages or many forms of communication.  There is the communication of sound such as music. It is a language readily understood by all people no matter where they live.   Within a culture there may be many varieties of music which appeal to different ages or other subgroups but even that is pretty consistent. Deaf people are tuned in to sound that many of us miss.
 
There is also the language of visual art such as paintings, drawings or sculptures.  Whether it is the art of the pyramid or of the Michelangelo’s David art speaks to something deep within all of us.
 
Recently more attention is being paid to the language of smell as it affects one’s romantic or sexual attraction. There are now clubs where people select a potential date by smelling a tee shirt which has been worn for four days by someone!
 
The language of movement is also essential to how we function as a species.   Some define all movement as dance. Our bodies always reflect what is going on with one emotionally even if one attempts to hide what one is feeling/experiencing.
 
Lastly there is the spoken language which uses inflection, pitch and many other nuisances in addition to particular spoken words.
 
Words, as are other forms of language, very powerful. Words have the power to hurt, soothe, tickle, and challenge.  We begin to hear and learn how to apply language at a very early age.    Sadly, we may begin to learn many lies about ourselves which are repeated over and over and over again.    The lies become programs which direct how we treat ourselves and how our body responds.   Our brain sends out directives to our bodies based on those programs.  The rest of the body sends messages back to the brain based on those lies.  If the messages are negative indicating that we are unworthy of love and respect then the rest of the body both responds to those lies and acts accordingly.   It is a very interactional system.
 
Changing this process requires a leap of faith. One has to trust the opinion of healthy friends, counselors, clergy or other trusted people that one is worthy. If one can allow oneself to do that one can begin to replace the negative messages (lies) with the positive ones (truth), Eventually the brain begins to use those new messages to direct the rest of the body. This is the beginning of the healing process.
 
In the New Testament of the Bible which the Christian church uses John says:
 
“And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory of the only begotten of the Father) full of grace and truth. John 1:14 (KJV).
 
Regardless of what one believes about the divinity of Jesus, this message is echoed by the Buddha, and many other wise teachers. The word is that all are deserving of love and respect.  Louise Hay often said, “We are perfect in our imperfections.”    We are human. We make mistakes.   We hurt ourselves and others.  We are also capable of great compassion – of great love. 
 
We must, if we are to be our very best override the lies, accept our humanness and focus today on giving ourselves “the word” that we can, just for today, treat ourselves and others with love and respect. 
 
Written   August 16, 2018
 
 
 
 
 

​The math of self-acceptance
 
Many of us early on developed the mathematical acumen which allow us to determine 10 plus one equal zero.  The ten is the number of positive statements or evaluations one gets and the one is the single negative statement or evaluation.
 
I read with great sadness that a 22-year-old young man was sentenced to 1 to five years in prison, 10 to 50 years’ supervised probation and will be required to register as a sex offender for life.  His crime was having sex with a girl under the age of 16. It was also stated that there were two others identified in a criminal complaint against him, but in a plea agreement the state agreed not to investigate additional charges.
 
Other than being younger that 16 and he being 21 at the time of the sexual contact there was no indication of how old the girl was or how old the other complaints might be. It was also not indicated whether the girl was a willing participant.  The age difference was such that it was legally considered a sexual assault. Thankfully a condom was used.
 
The girl’s mother said she wanted him to “serve his time for what he did to my daughter.”
 
There are many factors not mentioned such as:
 

• How emotionally mature is this young man.  What is the emotional age difference between he and the girl?
• Is it possible to help this young man mature?
• Does he realize why the community considers his act or acts wrong?
• Is he a danger to other young girls? How young?
• How much will it cost to incarcerate him, keep him on supervised probation for at least 10 years and to keep him registered as a sex offender?  How much in lost taxes will the community also forfeit?
• How does labeling this man as a criminal and a bad person help him or the community at large?

 
Most of us will not have such dramatic reminders of our humanness.    Yet, many of us will learn that one strike or two strikes and not only is one out for this ending but one is out for life.   There is no redemption.
 
If this young man does end up with a counselor or a spiritual advisor at some time it will not be easy for him to accept that he is worthwhile. Unlike most of us who get 10 positives and one negative he will get thousands of negatives and perhaps one positive.  All or most of us may suffer the same mathematical fallacy, but the person who has thousands of negatives will find it very difficult to balance the books.
 
All of us will benefit from being able to come to terms with the fact that we are capable of causing harm.  If one has been in active addiction or for whatever reason has not been able to consider the needs of others, one can learn to respect the illness and resolve to do all one can to cultivate a mind which is able to empathetically consider the needs of others.  Counseling or other treatment may help one achieve this goal. 
 
Most important one does not attempt to even the score.  One starts with today and does the best one can to be the best person one can be today.  One mistake or one hurtful deed does not wipe out all the loving deeds. A history of hurtful deeds does not wipe out the current positive deed.
 
Ten positives and one negative does not result in a negative balance. Does it matter what the negative is? I am not sure that it does.  Certainly, none of us want to deal with having passively or actively caused the death of another or permanently maimed another.  Yet, I can promise the reader that I have had several near misses while driving a car or being careless in some other situation.
 
There are those who are not able to consider the needs of others; those who brains are incapable of doing so.   Some of those can change with counseling, medication or some combination of those.  Some may never be able to consider the needs of others. Does this make them a bad person or just an unsafe person?  What is the difference?
 
It is a miracle when someone gets into treatment for addiction or some other disease and is able to get better.
 
It is a miracle when someone is able to heal from being used or otherwise abused or hurt by another human.
 
It is no surprise that our brains are very fragile and that us humans are capable of hurting each other.  It is also no surprise that we cannot be defined by our worst or most hurtful deeds.
 
Paul Harvey in his noontime radio broadcast used to tell part of a story and then, after an advertisement, would then tell the rest of the story. The rest of the story, for today, is that one or ten positives counts.   One negative counts, but is not the rest or end of the story.
 
Written August 14, 2018
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Step one revisited. Again!
 
The 12-step recovery program which most of us know as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or possibly NA, SA, OA or MA, contains helpful reminders for all of us, but especially those who are addicted and those who love someone who is addicted.
 
The first step of the AA program is:
 
         We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
 
This morning I again suggested to a parent that he substitute adult child or addiction of adult child in place of alcohol.   This very kind and loving man who is retired from a very responsible position where the illusion of control was easier to hold on to, struggles with wanting to control his adult son’s behavior.   He wants to travel over 500 miles to visit son and prevent his son from drinking.  His son just got an ankle monitor off and dad thinks he sounds as if he has been drinking.  I reminded the dad that, in truth, he has not had any control over his son for a very long time and, what control he did have over him, when he was still a child, was very limited and mostly illusionary. 
 
As healthy parents, we feel an enormous sense of responsibility. There is no shortage of community messages that tells us we are responsible for the health and behavior of our children.  Yet, the truth is parents have very limited power.   I recall, as a parent of an infant, attempting to accept that sometimes I could do very little to ease the discomfort that my son was experiencing.  As he got older I had even more painful reminders that my power as a parent was very limited.  This did not stop me from wanting to have the power to “make it all better” or to make sure he behaved in a manner which I was sure was going to bring the best long-term results, but increasingly I had to practice the equivalent of the first step of the 12-step program and to repeatedly say the short version of the Serenity Prayer.
 
         God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
         Courage to change the things I can,
         And wisdom to know the difference.
 
In fact, I had to accept that I have no power over world leaders, my spouse, my friends, community leaders, the weather, corporations, all my tech toys, and all else. Soon I was saying the serenity prayers many times a day. I also, however, found writing on the first step about whatever area of powerlessness I was experiencing at the moment very helpful.   It seems that many of us get a lot of reinforcement for the illusion that we have a lot of more power than we actually have.   Whether we are Christians, Buddhists, Jews, or adhere to no religious beliefs, we will do well to accept that the main power we have is unconditional love. I can educate a person about addiction 24 hours a day, but it is still up to them, fate or whatever, to reach that point when they are so sick and tired of being sick and tired. If someone is determined to keep using an addictive substance or engage in an addictive behavior, stay in an abusive marriage, refuse to get medical treatment, or do something else I think is unhealthy I can only say a prayer and honor the fact that it is their journey.  True, there may be times when we can temporarily restrain someone and prevent them from acting in a destructive manner, but often even then they find a way to do what they decide they need to do.   Us humans can be very creative whether it is for a positive reason or a negative one.
 
I suggested to that father this morning- this very loving, good man – that the best action he can take today is to take care of himself emotionally, physically, nutritionally and spiritually so that if, at some point, his son asks for his help he is healthy enough to give it.
 
Today I will take my own advice to keep saying the serenity prayer and to do a first step as many times as is necessary to remind myself that I am indeed powerless over other people, places and things.
 
Written August 13, 2018
 
 
 
 

​Sunday Musings – August 12, 2018
 
This Sunday morning the sun kisses the dewy grass creating a shimmering summer costume which says, “Come dance with me.”   I am reminded of all the sage reminders by spiritual teachers, philosophers and song writers to leave one troubles behind, focus on the present, have the courage to change the things one can, waste not want not, or the reminder by Jesus to notice the birds, the lilies of the fields and the rest of creation which toil and spin not but are perfectly content being what they are in the moment.
 
Being the human I am I have to intentionally reminded myself to show up for the sunshine and be meditatively present with each chore.   My “natural” tendency or my habit is to mentally construct the long list of chores which I “must” get done today:  shopping for groceries, changing the bed, wash, fold and put away the linens, iron the dress shirts, clean, work out at the gym, take advantage of the festivals which are going on today and finish the office paperwork left unfinished yesterday to name just a few.  There are also many books standing at the ready to be opened and read as well as all the tasks which I have daily moved from one day’s list to the next for weeks, months or longer.
 
Yesterday I, along with many others, attended a workshop in Pittsburgh and met up with a favorite teacher as well as a teacher new to me.  The teacher, Mark with whom I have studied for many years and who used to be much younger than I is quickly becoming the same age as I am.  Well, actually, he has entered that stage of life which in the United States is marked by the beginning of beginning of being eligible for social security which is the stage of life I have been in for more than a decade.  He and his wife are now facing decisions which seems very far off just a few “minutes” ago.   
 
Clearly the time Grinch has been very busy snatching away those years which I filled with all those important, often repetitive, chores.  At the same time Mother Nature has given and Mother Nature has taken away, presidents or heads of state have come and gone, amazing technological advances have arrived to complicate our lives and make them simpler.
 
The workshop was an introduction to the wonderful “work” of fascia, the connective tissue in our bodies which is such a such an important part of the physical structure of humans and other animals.  We explored how it responds to movement and various stressors; how much of it is both constant and ever changing, responding to internal and externals positive and negative stressors.  I must admit that even though I am in the health care field and have extensively studied movement I have, in the past, given no thought to the fascia.  It is another part of the magic such as the sun kissing the dewy grass that I can easily take for granted as I move quickly from one “important” task to another.    
 
It has frequently seemed to me that time is an artificial construct which, although a handy measurement in some respects in reality, only exists as an illusion or a construct filling the negative space. 
 
Perhaps today I can allow myself to be the negative space and like the sun kissing the dewy grass greet each moment with a gentle kiss. Perhaps!
 
Written August 12, 2018
 
 

​The wrong times are the right times.
 
I cry at the wrong times
which are the right times
 
Sitting on a plane, in a restaurant
or some other very public place
while reading or listening to some
sad or happy story.
 
Tears flow sans filter.
 
It seems over the years with each
loss, regret, tender moment I
fill the reservoir in my gut – an
organ unnamed while tending
to those whose needs are greater
then mine
            or so I tell myself.
 
Yet, the wrong times which are the
right times arrives to spill the tears
into the soup bowl or over the lettuce
creating glistening monuments which,
after all, are the memorial to what
is best within us.
 
Empathy seem such a bland word for
such depth of knowing that with each
birth and death our oneness is evidenced.
 
Written August 7, 2018
 
 

​Relationship lies we may tell ourselves
 
Whether one is ending an unhealthy romantic relationship/marriage, or ending a dependent relationship with work, drugs sex or something else outside of oneself, one is unlikely to be able to select a healthy romantic relationship or select a sexual partner who is going to be good for our healing process for the first year or so.   If one is paying attention there has been no shortage of warnings to stay away from new romantic or sexual relation for at least a year.  Therapists, sponsors if one is in a 12-step recovery program, clergy, siblings, parents, or even one’s adult children freely and often with great love tell us that statistically the odds are not in one’s favor for selecting a healthy relationship or even a safe sexual hookup when we are in the early stages of healing.   Yet, few will heed the advice.   One secretly packs up one’s bag of deceptions – lies  before heading to the mall, the convenient store, the 12-step meeting or any other place which an unhealthy person might be waiting for one’s charming, desirable, irresistible self.  In that bag of deceptions, we pack:

• It is only sex between two consenting adults.  What bad things can happen? 
• I am only human.
• If will be honest and let the person know I am in recovery and/or just coming out of a sad and unhealthy relationship.  If they still choose to have sex with me or to date me  I am not hurting anyone.
• There is little chance of getting a disease or for a sperm and egg  hooking up this one time.
• No one else needs to know or wants to share this boring information. 
• This person is different because they have a different profession, nationality, education, background, or look. They are nothing like my last partner.
• I am different.  Others may not be able to have a romantic or sexual relationship in early recovery or early in the healing process, but I can.
• Just because it is the best friend of my ex does not mean it is unhealthy.
• I am just going to flirt.  Flirting never hurt anyone. I can stop it before it leads to something else.
• Everyone who tells me to stay out of a romantic/sexual relationship is in one. What do they know about loneliness?
• They are just jealous.

 
 
I am sure that that list of possible deceptions is actually much longer.  We all seem to have them comfortably waiting in our dresser or desk drawer  ready to be packed up.
 
What are some of the truths we would do well to pack instead of the lies?

• We are only as sick as our secrets. If one is not sharing with one’s sponsor, therapist, clergy, wise siblings, parents or others one trusts to tell one the truth one can expect trouble.
• A healthy person is going is not going to date or hook up with someone in early recovery/healing.
• The sperm and the egg are not tuned into one channel!
• Sexually transmitted diseases do not obey the “just one time” rules.
• The person is not different then one’s soon to be ex.  They may look different, have a different profession, even be a different gender, nationality, professional or whatever but they are a clone of one’s ex.
• Relationships with best friends of one’s ex never turn out well.
• It is never, ever just flirting unless the flirting stops because of death, accident, forced distance of at least 6000 miles or some other act of the God of one’s understanding.
• Friends, family members, professionals, sponsors have likely made the same mistake in the past and know what they are talking about!  Listen!
• It is a sad but ironic truth that the best relationships are those we do not “need” but only want because of mutual respect and possibly attraction.
• We will not die of loneliness or from being sexually frustrated.
• Alcohol, other recreational drugs, or other mind-altering substance or behavior will not improve our thought process.
• Friends who are telling us to “go for it” are probably not the healthiest of friends.
• Playing the role of the “dumb blonde (apologies to all blondes) or the John Wayne who does not have any emotions is not the answer.
• Shopping for the sexiest costume or cologne just because it feels good is BS.  One is preparing for that perfect date/hookup.
• Safe non- sexual hugs and other support is always helpful and is necessary.

 
Of all the truths, the one which is the most important is to share our secret before we do something dumb or stupid.  That means we first tell ourselves and then we tell someone else who is going to lovingly  agree that we are about to do something dumb or stupid.
 
Flirting, dating, even a hookup between two healthy, sober/clean, available  non- desperate adults can be great fun and will not hurt anyone.  Of course, any behavior has to be consistent with one’s core values  - with the advice one give one’s adult children or recently widowed parent!
 
We can all lovingly  remind each other that there is a life without immediate gratification!
 
Written August 10, 2018