​Erase all signs of humanness
 
It would seem that especially in this and some other countries, there is a lot of money to be had by erasing all indicators that there are humans present. Many of us pay money to erase humans smells, symptoms of death, illness, aging and most of all gender. 
 
I grew up in a 3 room house with 2 adults and 5 children. There was little room for privacy or modesty.  The strongest source of shame in our family was mother’s embarrassment about our poverty.     I do not recall deodorant,  fragrant soaps, or attempts to cover up other indications that all the family members were human. Certainly we were aware that  there were males and females in the house and, at certain ages, there was some concern that we not intermingle our powerful hormonal desires.   The outhouse did sometimes feature 3 seats which, if all occupied, guaranteed the sharing of certain body orders.
 
The country/regional school we attended did have separate bathrooms for boys and girls as well as  gender separated health education classes and gym changing rooms although, once inside the facility, there was little privacy in the boys restroom and changing rooms. When we got “uptown” and had showers  there were no private shower stalls.  True there was some embarrassing and unkind moments when boys made fun of or even bullied one another.
 
There is, increasing acknowledgement in certain cultures that there are gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals among us.  This has created in the United States a huge crisis among some about who uses which bathroom.  Some places have one person bathrooms which are labeled simply bathrooms.   Some designed for use by more than one person are now labeled as  “Bathroom with urinals” and “Bathrooms without urinals”.  In those with urinals there is a privacy screen – usually metal – between the urinals so that the users do not have to risk having their male genitals exposed to the person on either side of them.  A great deal of money was to be had by investing in companies which made or installed such screens. 
 
On my first trip to Europe I discovered that in many countries urinals were long, open troughs with little attempt to camouflage the fact that  individuals were urinating.   There was seldom individual stalls for those who needed to eliminate other body waste.
 
There are, in some parts of the United States and some other countries nude beaches.  There are also nudist colonies – vacation or recreational facilities where individuals of all ages let it all hang out.  I can find no evidence that the incidences of sexual rape or even harassment is more frequent in such places.
 
Personally, I have no problem sharing a bathroom with both genders or being reminded that humans come in various shapes, sizes and with a range of sexual preferences and identifies.   I  am very sensitive to  many colognes or even strong smelling deodorants.  I much prefer a “natural” smell although I do tend to avoid, when possible, tightly closed spaces housing those who may have several days or weeks collections of smells on their person. 
 
I  have no problem being reminded that we humans die.  Of course, I get sad when it is time to say goodbye to a loved one but I am not shocked that all of us have a limited life span.  Cleaning up feces, urine and vomit is not my favorite job but then there was many tasks which are not on my top ten.
 
I am not at all convinced that us humans are better off because we continue to have a variety of masks for hiding who we are physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually.    We are humans with bodies which are more or less attractive depending on cultural circles, of a binary or non-binary gender,  who have a limited life span and whose cover up makeup and deodorants quickly fade. 
 
The difference in size and design of body parts – with or without enhancement – is minimal.   The most we may notice is someone meets our particular criteria for attractiveness but we seldom have a sexual relationship with others.  In fact we are often reminded that sexual abuse is about power and has nothing to do with a sexual connection per se.  
 
In short, we are humans who are of most interest to each other when we are lovingly assisting each other through this brief life journey no matter our age, sexual orientation, gender, race, size or other temporary identifications tags!
 
Written October 16, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Doing the next right thing
 
Many of us have learned to listen to the messages of others or that part of us which feels as if we are too tired, to dumb, or too fearful to do the next right thing.  Some of us never learned to do the next right thing.   We have grown up in a family where it was every person for themselves.  There was no agreed upon concept of family or team.    Consequently we never learned how to be a heathy partner or family person.
 
Some of us may have learned to do the next right thing, but only out of a sense of obligation or duty and almost always accompanied by full orchestra which is constantly tuning up but never quite tuned. 
 
Some seem to just naturally do the next right thing; to do the action which is consistent with one’s stated spiritual goals. Most of us, however, need, at times, to do a reality check with our healthy support system to make sure we are not reacting rather than acting.
At times, what is the next right thing is very easy.  Making time to listen – really listen – to  our partner, child, good friend, coworker or the stranger is more important than most tasks. If, however, a task involves listening to or being present for/with another person it might be difficult to decide which relationship to honor.  Either decision is the next right thing to do,   Recently I was with a group of  friends who had gathered to honor a family member and friend who had died.   Another close family member died the same weekend. The son and the wife of the deceased man showed up to support those who were there to celebrate the life of the family member who had died earlier. They had done all the could for the moment for the man who died and wanted to show their support.   Obviously, they could have easily been excused if they had decided not to show up.  Yet, this family makes relationships – taking care of each other – a core priority.  For them that is always the next right thing to do.
 
Doing the next right thing is based on one’s core values.   No matter what our background, it is up to all of us to have a constant dialogue with the wise voice within us that, if we listen, knows what is important.  We may or may not have learned to pay attention to that voice and, thus, it may be very weak, but it is there unless an illness which affects the ability to think rationally silences it.
 
Core values do not dictate we need to agree with each other on how to live out one’s core values.  Some may believe that sometimes killing is necessary.  Some may believe that there is room for disagreement about the moment when a viable human life begins to exist. Some may believe that a particular economic policy is best for the greatest number of people.   What then are core values?   Most of us might agree on the following:

• None of us is in a position to judge another.
• It is important that we respectfully listen to each other.
• Relationships always are more important than tasks but some tasks involve protecting people and relationships.
• We are at our best when we share decision making with those who respectfully challenge each other.
• Our relationship with mother earth is sacred.
• If our gas tanks – emotional, physical, nutritional, and spiritual – are empty we have nothing to give.
• Science needs to inform spiritual beliefs and spiritual beliefs need to inform science.  
• Religious beliefs may change when it is discovered that the voice of the god of our understanding was based on false assumptions or feelings such as fear.
• The goal is to serve the purpose or mission of the institution and not the institution.
• Punishment may stop a behavior temporarily but does not create a positive, long term change in thinking or behavior.  There are those who will use punishment as an opportunity to rethink the purpose of their life journey.

 
I am sure many could add to this list.   It is coincidental that there are ten items in the list.
 
I do not believe that I “know” anything.  I know what seems true and right for me today and I know I must be open to new information and opinions.  Doing the next right thing today may or may not be the next right thing tomorrow.  I must be circumspect in stating my core values because I am constantly being challenged with new information and new perspectives.  I believe this is what healthy humans do.
 
Written October 15, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Sunday Musings -  October 13, 2019
The tenses of our journey
 
For the first time in a long time I have skipped 3 days of writing.  I made this decision 3 days in a row first based on commitments I had made to clients and second based on the fact had I attempted to write it would have been to keep to a schedule rather than because I had the time and energy to focus and organize my thoughts.
 
It is easy for me to allow a schedule I have created to dictate my actions whether or not the action are consistent with my stated values.
 
I recall,  as a young man,  it often felt as if life just happened to me. I “found” myself in the military and later at military school.  I allowed my doubts about my worth and my fear of making mistakes to dictate the decisions I made.  Often the decision was to do what I thought would make others happy.  The others might be a family member or the Naval Captain to whose billet I was assigned. My relationship with my fear was such that I often allowed it to be in charge and then might later get angry and blame others.
 
For many years the lessons my fourth grade English teacher attempted to instill in me were sitting in a box in the closet at my parent’s house. I had made a decision to leave it there. I had little appreciation for the power of grammar.  Frankly I do not recall Mrs. Shepherd telling my classmates and I that our appreciation and use of grammar would or could determine the course of our lives.  I vaguely recall her talking about tenses of verbs.  I do not recall being able to connect the uses of a certain tense with the trajectory of my life journey.   I do believe she mentioned (probably many times) that verbs were action words and nouns were the subject of such actions. I do recall consciously sitting in church where we were strongly admonished to avoid sin (there were many to avoid) and to engage in righteous behavior (any behavior which was boring or absent of fun), but I do not recall connecting the lessons Mrs. Shepherd was teaching with the admonishments one was taught in church.
 
Today my goal is to be more intentional about both the nouns and verbs I choose to guide my life journey.  When, early in the a.m., I write down my spiritual intentions for the day I want to be clear that I am making a commitment to take responsibility for both my decisions and the ensuing actions.  
 
I love the power of grammar because of the fact that if I follow some basic rules the listener is more likely to “hear” me and I am more likely to be able to move away from life just happening to me to intentionally  making decisions and taking action based on my values; to owning my power to create the life which will make me proud of my human footprint.       
 
On a number of occasions, as an adult, I have taken a review course in grammar.  Doing so does not ensure that my friends and colleagues no longer have to gently correct the grammar in a document I create. It does ensure that I appreciatively listen and attempt to follow their advice.
 
Today I am in charge of the nouns and verbs I use  and the ensuing results.  I will not pretend as if life just happens.  Life does just show up some days but I decide on the action verbs by which I live out this life journey.
 
Written October 13, 2019
Jimmy F  Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

Ghosting
 
The October writing assignment for the members of the Safety Harbor Writers Circle  was : “What if you were a ghost? Who or what would you haunt?  Would you be a ghost in the present or haunt a moment in the past?   Would you communicate with the living?  How?”
 
Ghosting
 
I recall when my son was young one morning he said to me, “I was riding a cloud in my sleep and from my cloud I could look down on everyone including you and mom.  I said, “Hello mom. Hello dad. Hello trees.  Hello ocean.”  He was just delighted to be able to ride the clouds and observe everyone and everything. There was no hint of judgment or fear in his voice. He was merely reporting his fun journey.
 
Sometimes, as adults, we forget to ride the clouds and just observe without judgment. We forget to be delighted in the wonder of all that Is and all that could be.
 
When I thought of being a ghost I thought of riding the clouds.  Perhaps If I ride  on a really high cloud I could jump up to another planet and observe much as astronauts have done.   The earth is just a spec in the vastness of the universe(s).  Humans are just another spec who live for a very brief time.  Perhaps I would follow the example of my young son, “Hello chickens. Hello goats. Hello Fran, James and Susie.  Hello Sam, Austin and Toni. Hello cows and horses and elephants and dogs and cats and….    Would you like a cup of tea, some extra hay or perhaps a comfortable place to lie your head?    Here let me help you off with that jacket. Those arthritic hands make that task very difficult.   A backrub?  Coming right up.”
 
Perhaps I will make a light show by swinging from the chandelier.  “Oh, don’t be frightened.”    “Here let me tickle your feet.  Oh you can still giggle.”
 
“Shall I make myself visible? I think not.  A little mystery is good for the soul. Here, those pillows are perfect for a pillow fight.”


“Need a little stardust in your hair.  Goes well with that three piece business suit don’t you think.” 
 
I bet if you closed your eyes you could conjure up a friendly ghost who would remind you to be joyful and playful.  Perhaps the inner ghost lives within all of us. It is eternal, free of all the constraints of the rules of good behavior.
 
Oh, I know what I will do.  I will call a summit of all the world leaders, put them in a room together, snap my finger and whisk the room up to the clouds. Then they would have to see all the consequences of their behavior.  First I think I will put them to sleep for a bit so that I can give them the costume de jour based on their behavior. This is fun. Shall we shave the head of the French president, tattoo the head of the United States president and….   A little makeup anyone.  Bless their hearts. They will indeed have no clothes.  Yikes!

I do rather think that living humans could learn a thing or two from we ghosts. It is a sad fact that often only after we die do we play as freely as little children, greet the world with pure delight, cry when we are hungry or need to be fed  and swing to our heart’s content.
 
My Jove I think we got it.  The ghost lives.  Let’s go play!
 
Written October 8, 2019
Jimmy F. Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
599 words
 

​Blame it on the god of one’s understanding
 
Again this morning I heard a news report of yet another community whose city council decided to wait to see what the supreme court is going to do regarding future cases considering the rights or limits of rights of members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender community.  When a local church in that community decided to host a safe gathering place for GLBT individuals, especially youth, they got a lot of intimidating verbal threats and hateful graffiti including some swastikas pained on their property.  I also heard other news reports about the continuing increase in suicides among school age children.  GLBT young people are more likely to experience bullying and to consider or commit suicide.
 
Those opposing protection for GLBT individual, including youth, often say it is unnatural and opposed by the god of their understanding.   It is true that among  some religions including those adopting the Old Testament scriptures there are warning against same sex behavior.  This warning is actually about the belief that there were a limited number of sperm and one should not waste seeds because one needed laborers.  The death rate of mothers and children during childbirth was very high.   If a culture wanted to communicate the importance of a behavior they would claim that this is what god demanded.    Once a rule is attributed to the god of one’s understanding no amount of  new scientific knowledge can alter that rule.
 
There is another, even more important reason for the opposition to the rights of GLBT individuals.  It is the historic “need” of we males to believe that much of our worth is dependent on the myth of being smarter, stronger, more capable than females. This then justifies any and all behavior which helps we males have political, sexual and economic power.  As with any plan for oppression, the need is to ensure that all parts of a cultural system conspires to keep women subservient.   Thus, there was no right to vote, own land, gain degrees or to possess any of the other tools necessary for independent functioning.    In this country the equal rights amendment has yet to be passed.   Although gay marriage is now legal that right could be reversed.  Many leaders in the Southern Baptist convention recently reaffirmed that God can only talk in a male voice.  Roman Catholics have refused to allow females to be priests.  Women in the United States still often make less than males performing the same job.
 
Women in this and other countries have asserted for a long time that rape is not about sex. It is about power.  Likewise homophobia is not about who is having sex with whom or who is taking care of whom.  It is about power.   We men, as a group,  have very weak egos.  To me fair, many women also have weak egos and attempt to prove their worth through physical appearance, a traditional helpmate role and often more indirect  controlling behavior towards their husbands.
 
Sexism, sexual abuse,  homophobia and other forms of oppression have nothing to do with the god of one’s understanding.   It has to do with the perceived need to prove one’s worth by holding on to power; by proving one is more powerful than.   If two men or two women can take care of each other and children economically, emotionally, and spiritually the argument for the need for traditional male and female roles breaks down.   It is, of course, true that one needs a sperm and an egg to have a child.   It is very simple to introduce that sperm and egg to each other and to have a female nurture the fetus to birth without a traditional marriage between a male and female.
 
The natural order of things has been a spurious argument for a very long time.   We humans have been about change since the beginning.  We affect and are affected by our interaction with the world.   It does seems as if we are social beings and function at our best when we are taking care of each other as equals.    All scientific studies seem to validate this truth. We ae not defined by our genitalia, our chromosomes or our individuals differences in talents and abilities.
 
The sexist, homophobic, racist god of one’s understanding needs to be assigned a real job or be cared for in a home for the aged – a museum.
The god of my understanding is one of equal opportunity and equal respect of all people. This god expects us to function as a sacred tribe as part of a sacred universe.
 
Written October 7, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Sunday Musings – October
Learning to be numb to self and human needs
 
Earlier today I was thinking about the fact that it is Sunday and how I leaned, as a child, that there was a god who had nothing better to do that to keep a close eye on me and everyone else in the world.  God was, in essence, a very anthropomorphized being, with apparently zillions of eyes which were designed to search out any signs of sinful behavior.  This god was particularly concerned about signs of enjoyment of sexual behavior and was focused on eternal life when one would, if one endured the hardships and injustice of this world, be rewarded in someplace paved with gold – made to outdo the most lavish of mansion decorators on this earth.  This god also demanded absolute obedience and like any parent who while beating their child proclaimed that “This hurts me more than it hurts you.”
 
This was, in many respects, the same religious construct which Karl Marx declared was “the opium of the masses”. (For a detailed discussion of what Marx  meant google “learningreligion.com” and search for an article by Austin Cline entitled “Religion as opium of the masses.” (updated April 27, 2019).
 
Despite the fact that  by the time I was a young adult there was a translation of the Christian Bible entitled “The Good News”  the  Southern Baptist church I attended still seem focused on the same “peeping tom”, angry, punishing god who was unconcerned about poverty, war, and other symptoms of injustice here on earth.  Although many of the churches I attended did some “good works” for the poor, these deed were often done with an attitude of pity and judgement.  After all, if one was a good person god would also reward you here on earth.  Good people  would prosper financially.     If one were a good soldier and did the work of god while denying oneself one might also be acknowledged by the church community.
 
At the very same time, one was exposed to the teachings of that Jesus fellow who seemed to be unconditionally loving and not big on punishment or one having to earn one’s way to the love of god.   This fellow Jesus did not seem to be pleased with those who took advantage of the poor or differently abled.  It was difficult reconciling this god with the punishing god who seems very displeased with the human creation.
 
Later I would be introduced to churches and clergy such as those at the New York Avenue Presbyterian Church in Washington, D. C. (best known because of the movie, “A man called Peter”). The people at this church were concerned with the world which humans were inhabiting now. They were concerned about poverty, war and all forms of social injustice. They did not seem concerned about what one was doing sexually or the general fact that was human.  I began to think that this Jesus fellow might have been on to something.    Perhaps it was okay to celebrate who we are as humans and to believe that we need to be concerned about how well we share the resources here on earth. Perhaps we d0 not need to numb ourselves to who we were – to compartmentalize parts of ourselves and our  lived life.  Perhaps there was a different concept of justice.
 
Well, it seems as if we are still positing a God who thinks that good people are rewarded here on earth (and in heaven), that poor people are poor because they are undeserving and unwilling to work, that punishment is an effective teacher and that it is moral to numb ourselves with money, disassociated sex, power, alcohol, other drugs, food and bullying behavior.
 
Perhaps Carlton Pearson, former “adopted son of Oral Roberts” and now minister at the Unitarian Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma was accurate  when he said we have been teaching or positing a god who is a monster.   Perhaps it is time we quit using  a god in organized religion or a god in the sacred workshop of capitalism for capitalism sake to  be the opium of the masses as we ignore social injustice. Perhaps!
 
Written October 6, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 

Our fear of forgiveness; of restorative justice
 
In their NPR Oct 4, 2019 Daily  Jill Hudson and Korva Coleman mentioned in Digging Deeper that the brother of the man shot by Dallas Police officer Amber Guyger forgave and hugged her.   His mother is reported to have said, “I’m proud of my son, Brandt. Your load is lighter.”   The  African American Judge who sentenced her hugged Guyger and handed her a bible.   Some warned “that his grace should not interfere with any investigations into police shootings in the US.  Critics also blasted the African American Judge.”
 
While I did not have access to a television during the trail of Ms. Guyger trial and have no idea of what is in her heart reports of the 911 call she made shortly after the shooting made me think that she knew she had made a tragic mistake.  Although as I recall her first words were fear of losing her job I did not hear any subsequent reports that suggested a history of blatant or overt racism.  Of course, she was and is racist.  No one in this country and from all I read no one in any country is free from some form of negative stereotype by all those who are not them; not a member of their tribe.   In more recent years we have seen a resurgence of such tribal sentiments based on race, ethnicity, religion or other social constructs.   Yet, at the same time there is an increasing awareness that we are a global community.  While I would hope that our learned and very practiced racism would not keep affecting how the police and other public servants do their job, there is no indication that we can separate racism from the job we give police on and off duty.   
 
I would posit that there are a number of steps we can take to  sharply reduce the affects and continuation of discrimination.    These include:

• Quit responding to hate with hate.  Replace retributive justice with restorative justice.
• Replace lethal weapons with non-lethal weapons – stunt guns are not meant to kill but they do occasionally kill.  Guns with bullets designed to kill do exactly what they are designed to do.   
• The only guns designed to kill that make a modicum of sense to me are those designed for hunting game for food for the family.  Perhaps even there we need to listen more to vegetarians.
• Teach empathy from a very early age. 
• Practice distributive justice and procedural justice – if we truly believe that killing is wrong for the “civilian” let make it wrong for everyone. Second either everyone is worthwhile/sacred or no one is.
• Let science determine whether a person really had a choice.
• Do not punish those whose brains are incapable to empathy  or making rational decisions. We may need to restrict the freedom of some to move about.  This can be done with great kindness and humility.
• Teach accountability-  make accountability a safe possibility.
• Practice accountability.  I would, for example, much prefer that Ms. Guyger learn how to help/teach others (1) think before they act (2) identify and change internalized racism. I would love to know what has learned what she can yet learn from this tragic experience.

 
I am frightened of:

• An inability to put ourselves in the shoes of the others.
• An inability to think clearly when in what 12 strep members call HALT state – Hungry, Angry, Lonely Tired.
• Guns designed to kill in the hands of anyone other than those hunting for food.
• People whose brain is impaired because of alcohol or other drugs.
• The conflicting and often contradictory messages we give to law enforcement people about their on and off duty jobs.
• Those fearful of forgiveness.
• Those who confuse forgiveness with an ability of the individual to be accountable .  As Robert Enrifght points out is his book Forgiveness is a Choice forgiveness is first and foremost for the one doing the forgiving.  As Brandt’s mother said, “Your load is lighter.”

 
Written October 5, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 

​Powerlessness revisited.  Again!
 
Although I am not in recovery for addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, or food I am on a spiritual journey.  Truthfully,  I am addicted to the idea of having more power than I have.   I am not interested in political power, financial power or power over people in general.  On the other hand, I am constantly having to work on acceptance of being powerless over people or situations about which I care.     I hate it when I do not have the power to help my son, my siblings,  my close friends or even the clients for whom I work.   Just this morning I spent an hour looking for a telephone number for a psychiatrist who was working at a local hospital which suddenly closed. This doctor had recently prescribed medication for a young college student.   Sadly the student has the very serious diagnosis of schizophrenia.  I understand that the doctors are also feeling powerless but they do have the responsibility of contacting patients and giving them their new phone number or a referral phone number.  That has not happened with this family.  The family is understandably very frustrated. 
 
I can rant and vocalize my displeasure or thoughts about professional behavior all I want, but I am powerless to change this situation.  I can and have given this family the phone numbers for another mental health facility and for the local medical society office.   
 
My responsibility is, of course, to do what I have done and to focus on my own emotional and spiritual health.  Since I often work for those using the 12 step recovery program created by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob I often borrow those steps, especially the first step which is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”   For me, in this case, the step becomes “I am powerless over the closing of the hospital.  I  am powerless over the behavior of the professional staff who no longer work there.  My continued focus over what I am powerless over will wreak havoc in all of my life and it will become unmanageable.”  
 
Next I draw upon the wisdom of the short version of the serenity prayer as written by  Reinhold Neibuhr (1892-1971)
 
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. 
            The courage to change the things I can
And
The wisdom to know the difference
 
One does not need a belief in a higher power  to make use of this prayer.  One does not need to be in therapy or to be a part of any formal healing program.  One does need to be able to make a very practical decision to use one’s energy on what is possible.    One also has to be willing to accept that it is not one’s job to change other people, places or things.
 
I have no control over the electric grid although I can be careful to not use more electrical power than I need. I have no control over how my family of origin, my adult children, friends, other drivers or how any other people behave. I do have control over whether I accept my powerlessness and trust that it is enough to do what I can over what I do have control over.   It is not a crisis if my car will not start and I am late for an appointment.   It is not a crisis or even my business if  someone neglects to return a phone call fails to include me in some event.   I have no control over political candidates although I can campaign for those who I believe will best serve the entire community.  I have no control over the behavior of my colleagues although if I have solid evidence that they are harming someone directly I can enlist the aid of the members of the licensing board.
 
I have control over acceptance of my stated belief that I am only responsible for being the kindest, most responsible, honest open person I can be today. Nothing else matters except the spiritual footprint I leave today.  
 
I do have control over how often I decide to remind myself of the serenity prayer and step 1!    Many times a day!
 
 
Written October 4, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 

The fountain of youth
 
On PBS this morning I listened to someone talking about new efforts to discover the magic formula which will extend one’s life.   Later, on the podcast Hidden Brain, I listened to the host Shankar Vedantam talk with philosopher Stephen Cave about the ways that us humans “convince ourselves that death is not really the end”.   During the preceding episode of Hidden brain  he talked with psychologist Sheldon Solomon” about the fear of death and how it shapes our actions.”     
 
Many scientific studies or polls report that a significant percentage of people are unhappy much of the time.  Some of these  report that a greater percentage of older people are happy at any given time.  Apparently this group is not so fearful of death that they are overall unhappy.    Some studies report that as much as 70% of people are unhappy with their job.  Other reports suggest that after the first six months only 14% of married couple are happy with their marriage.  (If one searches on the internet or even in books in the library one can find statistical evidence to support any point of view or conclusion one wants to prove. Thus, it is wise to be very cautious when quoting statistics alleged to be based on scientific studies.)
 
Still, there do seem to be a significant number of people who are prescribed anti-depressant medications or who are seeking other treatment for what they may be labeling as chronic depression, “the blues”, feeling disconnected or miserable.   The United States Center for Disease Control  reported a 65% increase in antidepressant use from 1999 to 2014.   Other reports indicated that this number has continued to increase. Of course, antidepressants are prescribed for conditions other than depressants.    Some studies report that by 2017 between 7 and 13 % of the United States took antidepressants during a preceding month. 
 
It does not take a scientist to observe that a great many people complain about their life;  often in pubic.    Yet, if one even a cursory observer, one will notice many individuals, couple and families, who have a zest for life.   Although some studies report that having a decent income – considerably above the current minimum wage –  decreases stress and increases the chances for happiness  it is also obvious to even the casual observer that there are those with no income or very low incomes whose happiness quotient is very high.  
 
For many a fountain of youth is not about living forever but about living in the now and savoring life.  From what I read and even more from my extensive observations it seems to me that those who have a zest for life are those who seem to show up. By show up l mean to suggest that they make relationships primary.   This includes relationships with:
 

• Self
• Others- those who are also able to be present in a loving way
• Animals
• The environment
• Tasks or activities

 
I am sure many of us have, at times, make tasks and not relationship primary; cleaning the house, preparing a meal, purchasing something, of performing a work task.  Obviously it is important to get that gallon of milk, clean the house, accomplish a work task, put out a fire, or attend to driving but one can do or and not ignore people.  One can even forget to be present to the relationship with a task.   For example I find chopping vegetables very meditative and relaxing.

I also suspect that those who make relationships primary are so busy savoring life that they have little time to  be fearful of dying.   My experience in working for/with those who are happiest/contented at the end of their life journey are those who have the fewest regrets.  Of course, we all have regrets but  it is possible to be accountable for our mistakes while accepting that all make mistakes and can learn from them .  Even acute pain does not leave everyone equally miserable.   Those who have been intentional about showing up for life seemed to have mastered the art of being with the pain but not being their pain.
 
It would seem that the fountain of youth is a state of mind; the courage to show up. When  focused on being old or the fear of dying one is not present and, thus, waiting to live. If one is waiting to live it makes sense to me that one cannot tolerate the thought of dying.
 
Written October 3, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org



 

​Truth?
 
As is true for most of us, it is easy for this human to fall into the trap of thinking my truth is “the truth” and, thus expecting everyone to come around to “the truth”.   I know, of course, that we experience the world with our  brain and not with our senses.    Even when viewing what appears to be an inanimate object I have to label the object based on my past experience.   One example is: We might both agree to call the object in front of the couch a table. If we have a similar cultural background  we might even agree to call it a coffee table.    One of us might, however, see it as that ugly, terrible table and one of us might see it as this wonderful table.    If one of us was in an abusive relationship and was thrown against a similar table it may be that ugly, terrible table.   If, however, one of us was proposed to in a room which had a similar table we might get all mushy when we see the table.   The only common truth is that there is an object which we can agree to call a table. It is not the same table for each of us. 
 
Most of us do not argue about our individual experiences of the table unless we are decorating our home together. We do, however, often argue or debate about a past event or interaction.   For example, following the divorce between my son’s mother and I, she had her experience.  I had my experience and our son had his experience.  There are three very detailed stories of the events that transpired while he was growing up.   If one heard all three versions one might think that each is talking about a different trio of people.  We might agree on some fairly benign events.   When we were living in Alaska his mother and I decided on, applied for and were granted a divorce.    There is a legal document  which attests to that “fact” and which details the terms of the divorce agreement.   That document will not tell you how the decision was made, why it was made or the legal possibilities of custody at that time.  It certainly will not  inform one of the emotional pain which led to that decisions.   My son’s story of the divorce and my subsequent involvement or lack of involvement is not my story nor his mother’s story although  he and his mother’s story might have more in common since she was granted primary custody and functioned as a single parent.
 
Because each of us has our own agenda when we compose and edit our stories, we often have a difficult time listening without judgment or correction to the truth of another person – especially a person who we want to think well of us.  If not careful, we well convince ourselves that we know “the truth” and will set about correcting the other person.   As long as we are convinced that there is “the truth” we will argue, fight, and litigate.      Most of our courtroom battles are an effort to convince a judge and/or jury that there is one version of “the truth”.   This week, for example, a jury in Texas determined that an off duty police person who entered a wrong apartment, mistook the authorized renter of that apartment as an intruder, and shot and killed him was guilty of murder.  The fact that the person shot was African American, that the police officer was an apparent Caucasian, that there is a history of police officers targeting African American in this country, that there is a history of slavery and racism, that there is a political need for an appearance of justice and many other factors affected what “truth” the jury accepted. Other influencing factors included the skill or talents of the attorneys, the judge’s instruction to the jury, the background of the jurors as well as many others.   Saying that this former police officer was found guilty of murder and will spend many years in prison tells us nothing important about truth or justice.
 
My spiritual and emotional goal is to be able be present to my truth and the truth of others without acting on my often felt need to convince others that my version of the story represents “the truth”.  This sounds like a pretty simple task and, theoretically, easy.  Yet, this human, along with most others, gets kidnapped by his habit of expecting or wanting others to validate his worth.    We humans do not listen well because we are so fearful that it is not enough to be the imperfect being that we are. Unless and until we accept that we are enough we will look to others to validate our worth.   We will continue to attempt to brand ourselves as the best so that we may be enough.  If we attain that lofty goal, perhaps we will be able to accept various versions of a story as valid and  very individual truths.
 
Written October 2, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org