​The truth will set you free
 
Plato repeated the ancient Delphic maxim which was inscribed in the pronaos of the Temple of Delphi, “Know thyself.”   Throughout the centuries this sage advice is uttered in different forms over and over again.   In the Christian Bible , the Gospel according to John in 8:31-32, Jesus is alleged to have said to the Jews who believed him,  “if you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
 
On Wednesday evening, January 15 the Ohio Valley Ministerial Alliance hosted a community church service to honor the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  The Reverend James Agnew used this text from the gospel according to John as the basis of his reflections on the life and ministry of Dr. King. 
 
I was just talking to a client who is in the early stages of recovery from active drug addiction and attending 12-step meetings where he hears that we access our strength by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable or we gain power by admitting our powerlessness.  Obviously, in allowing oneself to be seen as the vulnerable human that one is can be, for some, a frightening experience. Much of addictive behavior is running from knowing ourselves; hiding the truth about ourselves.
 
As many of us stop to celebrate the life and work of Dr. King, we may ponder the truths about ourselves. Some of those truths for me are:
 

• We are all perfect in our imperfections (Louise Hay).
• We are all deserving of Grace – unconditional love.
• We are all deserving of nutritious food, decent housing, loving people in our circle of “we”, and basic health care.
• Violence does not have any long-term positive benefits.
• Non-violence is much more powerful than violence.
• We have a right and an obligation to stand tall and proud – not taller and prouder than others but equal.
• We adults need young people and young people need we adults.
• We humans come in various hues or shades of skin pigment, are tall, short, abled, differently abled, male, female, in transition, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, varying ages, attempt to fit ourselves into various religious and cultural boxes, have various  experiences of reality and are all equally worthy of love or none of us are.
• The God of my understanding is not an overly sensitive teenage who is worried about the name or framework to which we assign him/her/it.
• We can overcome oppression.

 
As the character Bigger Thomas in Richard Wright’s novel Native Son says “You can’t do nuthin but kill me and that ain’t nuthin.”     As I age and attend funerals for dear friends of all ages I am reminded that it is indeed the quality and not the quantity of days which counts.
 
Thanks to all those who are brave enough to wear these truths.
 
Written January 17, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Budgets
 
I was talking to a friend yesterday about the fact that some years ago when asked in art therapy to paint a boundary he painted a lattice.  He made sure that the lattice had a gate with a latch which was easily accessible.   Others painted a concrete or steel wall.   Obviously neither extreme  allows one to experience healthy connections.     If one allows everyone to leave all their existential angst/pain one is soon worn out and unhealthy.   There is nothing left to give others.  One may find oneself isolating, pushing away with anger/rage or just wasting away.  One may notice that not only is one angry, but one is depressed, lonely, exhausted, and lacking in ambition.    The person who constructs steel or concrete barriers will also feel very disconnected, perhaps angry, listless, tired, depressed and without motivation.    
 
Some of us are very adept and intentional about our financial budget.   We may not, however, be as intentional about our emotional and spiritual budget or even our physical energy budget.  We may even tell ourselves that we do not know how to budget our emotional, spiritual and physical energy.   Yet, the basic principles are exactly the same as they are for our financial budget.  When budgeting finances we must remind ourselves:
 

• One can only spend what one has in the account.
• Credit cards are an indirect way of spending what we have in the account.  We need to daily deduct what we spend with credit cards from our available funds.
• Credit cards debt involves interest. Paying interest is like deciding to send the employees of the credit card company (more likely only the well-paid top staff) on vacation.
• One must always have some reserve funds for unexpected expenditures.  If the hot water tanks quits one needs to be able to replace it.  If a member of the family breaks an ankle the money for the co-pay needs to be available.
• One also needs fund for those weeks or months when one might be out of work because work is seasonal or one cannot work for some other reason.

 
Emotional and spiritual energy budgets essentially work the same as financial budgets. For example:
 

• One cannot give away emotional and spiritual energy one has not put into one’s account.
• Emotional and spiritual credit card type expenditures are those relationship in which we are giving more than we receive.   We parents and other care takers including teachers, police persons, fire fighters, store clerks, wait persons and health care providers are appropriately giving more than we receive  (not always but frequently).  
• One must always have some emotional and spiritual energy available for unexpected expenditures.
• There may be time when healthy friends – people who are able and do fill our emotional and spiritual gas tanks are, for whatever reason unavailable.   We need to make sure we have accumulated some credits for such times.   Often those of us who care for others leave nothing for our family members or  healthy friends.  Soon they have nothing to give to us or are tired of always giving and never or seldom receiving from us.

 
!2 step programs talk about the danger of HALT – hungry, angry, lonely, tired – as potential relapse times.  It is the same principles.  We all have weak areas and will break down if our emotional, physical and spiritual budgets are not routinely balanced.   
 
There may be times  when we have to overspend because of illness in the family, war, natural disasters or other situations out of our control.   At those times we need to be very aware of the fact that we cannot function at our best and have to settle for doing our best just for today.
 
Written January 16, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 

​The desire or search for integrity
 
It has always struck me as interesting that us humans have the need to validate our behavior as moral or ethical.  We seem willing to go to great lengths to avoid having to face the fact that if our behavior is hurtful to another it is hurtful, at some level, to the entire human race. We often tell ourselves that hurting another is necessary to ensure that a person or group of people do not cause further harm to so called innocent people. Thus, we incarcerate many people in prisons in the United States.  Prisons, for the most part, are designed to remind those who are incarcerated that they are there because they are being punished for being bad people and/or for committing criminal behavior.   If punishment does not convince them to change their wicked behavior, then that proves that they are bad people and deserve to be punished.  We may use the examples of the few who, in spite of the design of the system, are able to use the prison or jail experience as an opportunity to reassess their life and change the trajectory of it.
We avoid, on the whole, admitting that a large percentage of those labeled and incarcerated as criminals are mentally ill.   To do so would be to admit that we have violated our own publicly professed ethics and that the simple truth is that punishment benefits no one.
 
If we are training soldiers to kill those who have labeled as our enemy we  assigned euphemistic names for those one is going to kill:  gooks, terrorists, the enemy, Japs, etc.     The goal is to attempt to erase any potential acknowledgment that they are as humans as we.  If describing a war battle we are careful justify our behavior as necessary and their behavior as cruel, sadistic, etc.
 
In the Nazi death camps,  as Jay Lifton points out in his book The Nazi Doctors, a licensed medical doctor who had sworn to uphold the Hippocratic oath signed the death certificates of all who were gassed.  This was an attempt to legitimize the killings.
 
One could interpret these and many other potential examples as an attempt of us humans to convince ourselves that our behavior is consistent with her stated or professed ethical or moral values.  
 
There are a number of potential explanations for these seemingly futile or lightly masked attempts to convince ourselves and other that  “good” humans have integrity or lead integrous lives.   Some of the possible explanations are:
 

• Most of us know at some level that we are connected to and dependent on each other.
• Most of us want to be able to say that we are good people and have integrity
• We honestly believe that some people are evil and not fully human.
• We honestly believe that we are doing only what is necessary to create a better world for ourselves and all we love and will love.
• We are fearful that if we are like those “bad or evil” people there is no hope for any of the human race or civilization as we know or define it today.

 
Once again, I am reminded that we humans are both very simple and very complicated beings.  I think most of us are able to accept, at some level, that when we sit down with people from various political, religious, racial, cultural and ideological backgrounds and get to know each other as people we find we are more alike than different.  We also find that most of us, although fearful, have the ability and the desire to work together to create a more just world.  We know that there are many factors which affect how our brains experience and define reality.  Those who are unable to experience some approximation of a shared reality and, thus unable to respect the basic rights of others may need to be in a protective environment but this does not make them bad or evil people.  
 
I find it hopeful that most of us want to engage in behavior which makes moral or ethical sense.  The more we face our fears and quit attempting to blame forces or people outside of ourselves for those fears the more we can find creative ways to work past them and “see” ourselves and each other more clearly as members of the same, larger tribe. Although the plethora of news coverage may make it seem as if we are becoming more violent the overall level of violence of humans against humans is steadily declining.
 
Written January 15, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Reality?
 
For many years I have known that it behooves me to frequently do what I call reality checks with those I trust to have more expertise than I and/or or committed to  sharing their view of reality even if it greatly differs from mine.   Most of know, at some level, that we do not see, touch, hear or smell a fixed reality.  Our various senses stimulate certain parts of our brain.  Those sensations then have to be interpreted. The interpretations are made largely made on the basis of past experience and/or what I hope to experience. One of the examples I often used with individuals, couples and families in my office is the fact that I have one object in my office which is many different objects. If I see a client whose first fell in love in a room which had a similar object, they may see that object and tell me it is reminder all that is good in life; that their spouse represents all that is good.   Another person may experience that same object and tearfully ask me to move that darn object from the room because it looks exactly like the object which their abusive partner banged their head on multiple times.   Another person may have a very benign reaction to that same object.  All of us might or might not agree to call it something approximating a table but it is clearly a different table for each of us.
 
This morning one of the Ted talks to which I listened was entitled “Your brain hallucinates your conscious reality” by Anil Seth.  I had never heard of Anil Seth but because of the magic of the internet I did not have to go to the library to attempt to discover who he is. I found out that he is a British professor of Cognitive and Computational Neuroscience at the University of Sussex. I also found out he has degrees (BA/MA Cambridge 1994) in Natural Sciences, Knowledge-Based Systems (M.Sc., Sussex, 1996) and Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence (D.Phil./Ph.D. Sussex 2000) and he was a  Postdoctoral and Associate Fellow at the Neurosciences Institute in San Diego, California (2001-2006).    I mention all of these credentials because I have already stored certain positive opinions about these degrees and educational institutions.  The photographs of Dr. Seth which I saw were of a smiling, open/inviting face provided additional cues for who I experienced him to be and whether to give serious attention to what he is positing.  My reality of who he is and what he is saying was predetermined by these and other factors.  Previously stored excitement about the field of neuroscience was another factor in determining my experience of my reality as concerns Dr. Seth.
 
For me, Dr. Seth’s talk reinforced my belief that the line between what we refer to as symptoms of mental illness and mental health is a very one.   What appears as reality, for example, is dependent on a great many factors including past experiences. This past experience also includes for many of us past traumas.  The person who has experienced combat related trauma will have different association with certain sounds, smells and other stimuli than the person who has not experienced combat related trauma.  The person who grew up with an active addict may have an acute anxiety reaction to what appears to someone else as “normal reality”. 
 
While our processing and interpretations brain functions are happening, different chemicals and many other factors are also affecting the retrieval system in our brain.
 
It is not surprising to me that we all experience reality differently at any given moment.  It is surprising to me that we can ever have what we term a logical discussion.  For example, I and, I suspect, most of those listening to Dr. Seth’s Ted talk, one of his other lectures or reading one of his papers are able to approximate the same reality he attempts to communicate.  Many of us, baring acute mental illness, have logged similar experiences and information about both the subject matter and his credentials.   Yet, it would not take much change in our brains or experiences to “hear” what he is saying as an attempt to convince one that he or she cannot trust any reality or that, in fact, Dr. Seth and other have indeed been attempting to control one’s mind.
 
Mental Illness is often or perhaps always a very slight shift in how one interrupts what Dr Seth is terming hallucinations and how our brain interprets  incoming stimuli.  Knowing or accepting this can allow us to approach our study of mental illness more effectively or make us very distrustful of any fixed reality.    Knowing or accepting this might also save us arguments with our spouse or colleagues about who is right about what one sees, hears or smells.  I suspect; however, we will continue to fall into the trap as acting as if our interpretations of what Dr. Seth calls our hallucinatory experiences are the correct ones.
 
Written January 14, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.o

​Where is Grace?
 
On January 12, the local newspaper in Wheeling, WV published a letter from the new bishop of the Catholic Diocese of the Wheeling Charleston area.   In that letter he promised a greater role for the laity and more assistance to some of those who need the services of Catholic Charities as well as those dealing with the opioid crisis.  He also said that “We must stand tall and confident, not shrinking from but confronting the harsh realities that have brought us grief and also not allowing those past failings to make us suspicious of every servant of God, clerical or laity or to deter us from harnessing the tremendous spiritual energy of our people to do Christ’s work in this state.”  In the beginning of the letter he acknowledges that Pope Francis has forbidden the former bioship of Wheeling-Charleston  from “celebrating Masses and other liturgies and from living in the Wheeling-Charleston Diocese.”  He goes on to mention that the Pope has “directed me to assist Bishop Bransfield in making personal amends for the harm he caused.”
 
Certainly no one who has read any of the reports of the excessive spending and other hurtful behaviors of Michael Bransfield question the need to relieve him of his duties. From what  I read, he suffers from active addictions to power, material goods, possibly alcohol and other behaviors consistent with someone who is looking to fill an internal void; a void which does not allow one to experience internal self-worth; a void which leads to the compulsive need to prove one is more than; a need to avoid the sadness and separation from the fear that we do not all belong to one another.  Bishop Bransfield was unable, for whatever reasons, to experience Grace.  My understanding of the essential core of the Christian church is that that we are all saved through Grace.   Grace is not something one earns but something we deserve just for being.   The is the same unconditional love which some other religions and philosophies teach.  Grace teaches that if we welcome the prodigal child home, if we embrace the one who is considered unlovable; if we reach out to the one who mirrors our own humanness with unconditional love there is an opportunity for healing.    Grace does not suggest that first one shame themselves, admit to all the ways one has hurt oneself and others, or make amends. Grace begins with a recognition that we are all human; that we are all capable of looking in the wrong places for our worth; that there is no way of distinguishing  our hurtful behavior from that of others.   Grace  reaches out with an embrace and says, “Welcome home.”
 
In all the published responses of both officials of the Catholic Church, the laity of the church and the general public I have seen little evidence of Grace extended to Bishop Bransfield and others caught in that web of destructive behaviors.  Certainly the church needs a more effective system for addressing the pain which leads to such abuse of self and others.  Perhaps the establishment of a Diocesan Pastoral Council can play a major role in ensuring that happens but without Grace the Catholic church will continue to be a co-conspirator in the punishment system of responding to our humanness; a system which does not heal individuals or the community.
 
The only reason for the existence of a Christian community is to first offer Grace to all who feel as if they do not belong; to all clergy, laity, Christians, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, non-believers in any God;  an unconditional embrace of love.  It is my belief that love allows for the possibility of amends to self and others – to the possibility of belonging.  
 
It is up the those who desire a world built on the rock of the teaching of Jesus to say no to punishment and yes to welcoming home the immigrant, the addict, the criminal, the homeless, the sick.   If a mentally ill person walks into my office I do not put them in charge of my office, I welcome them with respect for their illness and with an invitation to join in the search for healing.  If Bishop Bransfield walked into my office I would welcome him with open arms. If he attempted to justify his behaviors, I would smile and offer him love – not condemnation – not a demand for amends.  I would attempt to reach deep beneath his costume of pretended grandeur to his pain; to offer him not the chalice but the cup of communion. 
 
It takes great courage to say no to punishment and yes to love.  It takes strength to say yes to accountability and yes to those who mirror our humanness.
 
Written January 13, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Sunday Musings – January 12, 2020
 
For some religions Sunday is the sabbath which is traditionally celebrated as a day of rest and worship.   The word seems to derive from the verb sabat which means to stop; to cease. The word worship is generally defined as the practice of honoring or showing reverence to or for a divine being or supernatural power. 
 
For some the sabbath is observed in a temple, church, or synagogue with others of a similar faith or tradition.  I understand the work church to mean community.  Thus for those who celebrate the sabbath in a church, temple or synagogue worship is a gathering; a gathering to give praise to the God of their understanding, to offer each other the sign of the peace,  to celebrate each other’s joys and to offer each other comfort. It is a time to see what others in the community may need. 
 
On this Sunday which in the tradition in which I was raised is the sabbath, some will gather in beautiful structures such as the newly renovated Wall Street Trinity cathedral in New York City or in the elegantly renovated St. Joseph’s cathedral in Wheeling, WV.  Others will gather in small country churches or even in the homes of people.   In our increasingly aged population many will gather in chapels is nursing homes.  
 
For many Sabbath begins with sundown on Friday while others celebrate on Saturday or Sunday.
 
On this Sunday my spiritual intention is to pray. For me prayer can be a time of quiet but it is also an action verb which denotes the dance of life I choose to do today.  It is easy for this human to dance a dance of judgment or criticism; of noting the various ways we humans demonstrate our lack of perfection; to act shocked that this very delicately balanced brain of ours often makes decisions which are injurious of ourselves, others and mother earth. 
 
In vain have I searched for a community which warmly welcomes all humans and which embraces those who bring a very individual God of their understanding.   The Unitarian Universalist Churches may come closest of a religious institution to welcoming those with a diverse or individualized understanding of the power greater than oneself.
 
As a certified addiction counselor I sometimes attend 12 step meetings to which I often refer those looking for help in overcoming active addiction. In those meetings the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using- to stop engaging in addictive behavior. These 12-step program  begin merely with an acknowledgement that once one engages in an addictive behavior such as the use of alcohol or other addictive drugs one is powerless over the obsession to keep using.   The second step does talk about coming to believe in a power greater than oneself.  This may be the community of others in the meeting there to give support to each other.   Although there are those who arrive with a Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, or Christian god or gods of their understanding there is no requirement that one embrace a divine being; just a simple reminder that everyone is equal, everyone is welcome and everyone belongs to each other.   At these meetings the goal and the principles are to give thanks – to welcome the newcomer regardless of who they are or what they have done; to give thanks that the prodigal son or daughter has just for today found their way home.
 
This then is my idea of prayer on the sabbath; to give thanks that in all our perfect human imperfections we can welcome each other home no matter our age, nationality, religious preferences, sexual orientation, gender or what we have done or left undone. 
 
Written January 12, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​The discomfort of change
 
Most of us find a certain sense of security in what we know even if what we know does not bring the results that we want long term.
 
For example, I just talked to a friend who has nearly 60 days in recovery from active addiction.    He was sharing that he has no idea who he is on any particular day.   It is as if he wakes up and some part of him decides since he does not want to be the active addict engaging in addictive thinking and behavior he will have to try on a different personality for the day.  Some days he has an almost overwhelming urge to return to behaviors which allowed him some measure of comfort if only for a brief time.    I assured him that this is very normal.  I also keep assuring him:
 

• He is not fragile; will not die of discomfort.
• He is a very good man who deserves unconditional love and respect.
• Change itself can become more a “normal” part of life and, thus, less uncomfortable.   
• Permanence is an illusion.
• Addictive behavior never results in long term comfort and contentment.
• Addictive behavior leaves much wreckage which has always resulted in more disconnection for himself and, thus, for others and the universe.

 
The discomfort all of us feels with or from change has to do with the illusion that there is something we call permanence.   At another level most of us know and accept that the only constant is change.   Little children who are neurologically and emotionally safe and healthy are excited about new experiences.  Whether it is taking a first step, rolling over by themselves, experiencing a new taste, smell or texture, they get excited and are eager to share their excitement.  What they do need to stay this open to change is the security of knowing that someone is going to lovingly care for their essential needs of food, clothing, cleanliness, freedom from wet or dirty diapers,  a safe home, unconditional love and for most loving touch.  As long as a young child has these essentials and do not have any acute medical conditions such as autism, heart issues or other conditions which affect basic functioning, they will thrive whether in a refugee camp, a one percent home or a home in the projects.  Sonia Sotomayor, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, grew up with an alcoholic father, living in the projects, and a diagnosis of diabetes by age 8 and, yet, she thrived.   Although she had to learn some basic self-care for her and her younger brother she knew she was  unconditionally loved.    A friend of mine who spent part of her developmental years in a refugee camp was the adored child of her parents and early attracted the loving concern of others. Although there was anxiety and sadness which she carried with her to her adult life she knew she was a strong person deserving of basic rights.
 
I believe we all deserve the basics including unconditional love. I believe that we all deserve to know it is safe to let go of the illusion of security and embrace the possibility of what can be.  I believe that we all have the core emotional strength to cope with life on life terms no matter what the next moment or the next chapter brings. I believe that we all deserve a safe home which is as much a psychological space as it is a physical space although, of course, it would not be good to be living without shelter from bitter cold or the burning heat. I believe we all deserve quality health care; the opportunity to live life to the fullest even though our days are always numbered.
 
If we learn to trust that our basic needs can be met we will learn that it is safe to embrace change. If we learn as adults that we have what we need  for ourselves and loved ones we will embrace change as another opportunity to delight; as another opportunity to learn and to grow. It is our job as adults who already have this security to do all we can to ensure it is made available to  others.
 
Written January 10, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​The power of silent presence
 
Most of us want to be helpful. If we observe someone in distress or not functioning as well as we think they could or should our “natural” inclination is to do something we hope will make the situations better.   It the distress is emotional we may want to fix them a cup of tea, something in eat or feed “person bashing thoughts”  if they have been hurt by the action of others.
 
The urge to be helpful is laudatory.  It usually arises out of the goodness of our hearts or, occasionally, from a desire to prove that we have something worthwhile to offer.
 
Many women, but not all, seem to intuitively know or perhaps learn that the kindest and most effective help is to practice active listening.  Active listening is being able to repeat back to the person the words they just spoke.  Active listening does not involve formulating a response which includes advice, censure or even compliments.  It is demonstrating to the speaker that they are important enough to set everything aside for a few minutes and just listen.  This may be just what the person needs to tap into their internal strength.
 
We men are often taught that our worth comes, not by our mere vulnerable presence, but by fixing people or situations. We find it very difficult to accept that the most powerful action we can take is to do nothing other than to be quietly attentive and present; to actually attend to what a person is saying and feeling without any attempt to rescue them or fix them.
 
Of course, if someone asks for specific advice or help it is appropriate, if possible, to give helpful advice or help.   It is also important to allow ourselves to say that we cannot help or we do not have any helpful advice.
 
When we are a helping professional – a professional care giver such as counselor, physician, nurse, teacher,  other health care person, clergy person, a first responder or law enforcement person – it is easy to feel a special pressure to fix a person or situation.  Obviously, if one is a fire person one will, along with colleagues, do all one can to put out a fire.  If one is a counselor one may need to educate a person or family about available treatments or other resources.  Often, however, our most important role is one of actively listening from our heart.   One might logically be concerned if one listens from one’s heart all day and sometimes via phone all evening one will get burnt out. After all, if one listens from the heart one’s own pain will be exposed. One may experience another level  of mourning as one listens with an open heart to the pain of another.   Showing that pain without making one’s own pain the center of the relationship may be healing for both people.  Perhaps this is, in part, why Father Greg Boyle says that in meeting with those healing from a life of pain and desperation which forced them to join and participate in gang activity in Los Angeles, he is returning them to themselves while they return him to himself.  Love and healing flows between people.   When one allows this to happen one does not get burnt out.   On the other hand, there comes a time for all of us – no matter our roles as healer and healing person – when we need a rest.
 
When I think of a wake to honor a deceased person and the relationships they had while alive I think of the relief of a safe place to laugh, cry, express regrets, and to appreciate and to give thanks.   It is, in short, a time to just show up in all our emotional nakedness.   This does not, in my mind, mean making oneself or one’s emotions the center of attention.  I am sure we have all experienced the funeral when someone made their “grief” the center of attention.   Frequently this is the ex-spouse  or another person who has not had a positive relationship with the disease.  This person is not simply being present but attempting to use the occasion to prove their own worth. It is the opposite of what happens at a wake.
 
We men can support each other in reminding each other that our most important asset in any relationship is our willingness to listen with open hearts.
 
Written January 9, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Walking the talk
 
Seth Godin’s blog today reminds the reader:
 
“Every sentence has a purpose. It doesn’t exist to take up space. It exists to change the reader, to move her from here to there.
This sentence, then, what’s it for?
If it doesn’t move us closer to where we seek to go, delete it.”
 
When I am writing a blog my goal is to write 600 words or less.  Frequently my first draft is close to 1000 words.   I then read what I have written to discover what words or even sentences fail to move the reader closer to the goal of what I hope the reader will “hear”.   I usually have to edit the same document multiple times.
 
Often,  I refrain from editing what I am saying;  fail to take responsibility for both the power of what I say, or the implications of what I don’t say.  In other words speaking – verbally, in written form or through the medium of art, music or sculpture – carries a huge responsibility.   Not speaking is also a form of speaking.
 
Language can be in the format of written words,  a sculpture, a painting or notes of music.  When I lived in Alaska in a Tlingit Indian village I leaned that the “white people – usually church leaders – destroyed the only written language which was in the format of totem poles.   The “white people” did not understand that the totem poles which included animals and figures of people such as United States presidents, was a historical record just as much as their written documents.
 
Since it was so called Christians who often oppressively destroyed the  written history and overall culture I was reminded of a quote from the Gospel according to John, chapter 1 and verse one:  “In the beginning was the word and the word was with God and the word was God.” (New International Version).  Some spiritual teachers talk about the need to not only talk the talk but walk the talk.   All actions begin with an intention.  I may communicate that intention to myself and to others with a sentence comprised of words or another format. This then becomes a covenant between me and the core of who I am – my spiritual center which some refer to as God. Thus,  the word is my covenant is with the God of my understanding.   If I am sincere in my commitment that word then takes wings and becomes manifest reality.  The totality of that  reality could be referred to as the God of my understanding – that force which encompasses all that is, all that is to be and all that has been – all.  As Seth Godin says the word and the sentence has a purpose. The word should never be uttered to fill up space.
 
Now comes the test as I get ready to read through what I have just written.  Does every word and every sentence have a purpose?  What is that purpose?   My intention today is to be aware of – to take responsibility for – to be mindful - of the power of my spoken and unspoken words.  My intention it to remind myself that each word is with the God of my understanding and is the God of my understanding.  I want to have words and sentence which move me and others in the direction of “walking the talk”
 
Written January 8, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Low self esteem
 
Daily I hear someone talking about low self-esteem.  Often, in my role as a counselor, someone will say that one of their primary issues is low self-esteem. They may blame this lack of “self-esteem”  on others. Frequently, in the very next breath, the same person proclaims why some other person or persons is not worth loving.   It is sad that we often do not hear the irony of the relationship between our own low self-esteem and our  learned skill of doing our part to ensure others have low self-esteem.
 
No child is born or conceived with low self-esteem. Some scientists believe that we may in vitro pick up signals that we are unwanted.  Obviously, it is tough to do studies to prove or disprove this possibility but we do know that negative stress can have an effect on the health of the fetus.  Most of us, however,  emerge from the womb with a clean slate in terms of our worth.  Healthy infants, even before learning spoken language, expect to be tended to when in distress or acknowledge when attempting to connect with finger or a smile.  Sadly not all parents or other care givers are healthy enough to be able to consistently respond in a positive manner.    Even if that child is initially surrounded with healthy people whose actions consistently affirm their worth, there comes a time when every child is exposed to an action of another child or an adult which communicates that one is not worth positive attention.   In fact, the child may not be very old before he or she hears they are less than or deficient in some way.   If the positive messages about worth come from trusted and credible sources and far outweigh negative messages from credible sources then one is less likely to internalize an overall negative view of self. It also helps if the child can “fact check” negative statement about their worth with a trusted source.  Even children who are abused and are immediately told by trusted adults that the abuser’s behavior is related to the abuser’s issues will suffer only slight damage to their self-esteem.
 
It is the job of all of us as we reach adult status to fact check what we have learned about our self-worth.   If we have learned that we are less than, are responsible for the abusive (active or passive) behavior of others or that our worth is dependent on being better than, richer then, prettier, than, more athletic than, more talented than or smarter than, those lies also have to be corrected.  
 
Solid self-esteem/worth is built on the truth that we are intrinsically worthwhile as imperfect, works in progress, human beings.  Only when we accept that basic truth can we be our very best.   We also have to do our best to create a safe, loving home for ourselves and our loved one.   This does not have to be in some palatial or even permanent home.   Friends who spent significant periods of time in refugee camps with other healthy adults do not have low self-esteem. On the other hand, some who grew up in very wealthy homes with actively addicted or otherwise unhealthy parents or a parent may have learned that they were a failure because they could not fix their parents or because they learned the lie that they caused the behavior of the parents.
 
Some of us may find that we have unconsciously duplicated a negative home setting with other individuals who degrade our worth.  We may need to explore family counseling or remove ourselves from that unhealthy setting.  Especially if there are children involved we may need to ask for assistance from community organizations.  We deserve to have a positive, safe home.
 
Low self-esteem is a learned condition which can be unlearned.   If we have been reinforcing the lie about our self-worth it will take time and patience to override the lies.
 
Written January 7, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org