​Sunday Musings – April 9, 2017 
 
In the Christian tradition, this Sunday is called Palm Sunday and marks the beginning of Passion Week – what is reported to be the last week of the life and ministry of Jesus.  According to Luke, Jesus was on His way to Golgotha and had come to save the “lost” – to secure their salvation.  It has always fascinated me that this event takes place in what in some parts of the world is early spring and in other parts of the world early fall.  I live in a place where new life and the resurrection of all the wonder that is contained in what appears to be dead bulbs, trees and shrubs suddenly rises from the dead and, in many cases, nearly overwhelms one with brilliant colors and the beautiful, intricate designs.   Here, surrounding my new home are forsythia, a weeping, flowering tree, and rose bushes.  The grass is green and has had its first cutting for the year.  One cannot help but notice the smell, sight (if sighted) and feel of spring.  In the midst of this arrives Psalm Sunday.  It is a day to ask if we have come to save the lost.  I ask myself who are the lost and I know that it is all of us.   
 
This week I was again talking with a group of people in the early stages of reclaiming themselves.  The very essence of their being had been hijacked by addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex, power or other people, places, things or ideas.  They certainly could be described as those who have been lost.   Salvation for them means that they can reclaim those open, bright, curious, delighted people they were as infants (unless some illness or condition prevented them from being them even at that young age).  Some will understand salvation in terms of a religious framework. In this part of the country the most common framework is Christian, but there are those who find other frameworks more helpful- Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, or some non-religious framework.  
 
Many of us have spoken of losing ourselves and trying to find ourselves.   It seems as if humans are the only species who are not okay with themselves and, thus, leave themselves at an early age in order to find a path which makes one enough.  We were all, of course, enough at birth, barring some brain disease or condition which prevented us from being able to experience ourselves and the world in a loving, excited manner.
 
In my limited understanding, I am reminded this Palm Sunday that in the Christian tradition this Jesus fellow comes to Jerusalem with the same offer he had brought everywhere he went.  He came to open His arms wide to offer all that he had – unconditional love - even for the disciples who had a difficult time accepting his lack of discrimination.  He seemed to miss the fact that someone was a prostitute, someone would betray him or someone who professed love for him would deny him.  He told people through his actions that they were worthy of love.  Yes, he got frustrated at times with the money changers and other examples of how far we can stray from being an important and necessary part of the village, but embracing forgiveness was always close.
 
Thus, as he comes into Jerusalem to save the lost he is coming to embrace, to kiss, to welcome home without any perquisites.   
 
We as a nation on this Psalm Sunday have convinced ourselves that violence is the way to stop violence in Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan and here at home.  Once again or still we pass more laws which have punishment as the core base.  Still we look for ways of avoiding ourselves through power, sex, status, and other people, places and things.
 
As is true for all religions Christianity, as an organization, is composed of the same humans who continue to have a difficult time accepting that they are worthy of unconditional love.  Yet, in the midst of that imperfection the idea of one who believed in unconditional love remains alive.   
 
My week has been another week of failing to meet my goals of being better at allowing myself to be me. Yet, there have been moments of just pure delight with people when I forgot to question my worth; moments when a simple embrace was enough; moments when being quietly in awe of the magic of spring, of friendship, and of all that is possible in this extended village, which were absolutely perfect.
 
Those of us who identify with the Christian framework have an opportunity on this Palm Sunday to go to Jerusalem (the home of our neighbor, the store clerk, the person on a subway or that we meet on the road) with the simple, uncomplicated goal of offering an embrace – a welcome home to them and to ourselves.
 
Sounds simple but I am sure to complicate.  When I do, I will notice, smile and recommit. 
 
Written April 9, 2017
 

​Falling in love with half a person
 
For many years, I have worked with/for individuals in abusive relationships.  I have worked with/for those who are abusive and those who abuse.  Often by the time I see an individual or a family there is a great deal of emotional pain and scaring as well as possible permanent physical damage.  Yet, as my colleagues who work with domestic violence will attest, it is not uncommon to hear someone who has been acutely abused say, “I love him/her.”
Even when there is not physical abuse or overt emotional abuse  but the person is not able, for whatever, reason, to be consistently loving and present, I may hear, “I love him/her.  I miss him/her.”  I often point out that they have indicated that they are angry at the person a lot of the time and have little, if any, respect for the person.  Who is it that they love?    They may again reply. “I love him/her.”
 
The truth is that they love the parts of the person who is sometimes nice and/or they love the person they have created in their mind – a fictional character who may have little to do with the real person.  They love the person that they want the person to be, the person they though the person was or the person who is nice during the honeymoon phase of the relationship following an abusive incident.  True, the abusive person, may  be a very good person, but are controlled at times by their fear, by alcohol or other drugs, or by the insecurity which leads them to be controlling. 
 
Another common statement is for the abused person to blame themselves for the abuse.  They may say, “If I was just nicer, If I did not spend so much on groceries,  If I could look like I did when we were first dating then the person would not act that way.” That of course, is not true.  The insecure person may justify his/her abuse, but the truth is that no one causes them to be abusive.  It is true that they may have unresolved traumatic issues from their past but their partner cannot heal or resolve those issues, True, if the abusive person goes to treatment and does the work to heal, their partner can be supportive and possibly forgiving.  I have seen many people do the work they need to do to heal and grow to be the loving person with whom their partner fell in love.   Often when I attend 12 step meetings and hear the stories of those who  have and continue to work a recovery program, I am awed by the ability of the person to make enormous changes in how they think and act – changes that their partner can trust.
 
Another common occurrence is  the result of growing up in an abusive family.   The abuse may have been emotional, physical or both (all physical abuse is, of course, emotional). Often even when a family member is abusive we associate family with love. We may even think abuse is a normal part of love.  Because of this association we are attracted to love relationships which remind us of our family of origin.   We may unconsciously think, if someone is abusive they are like our family of origin and must love us.  Murray Bowen, the famous family therapist and author, said that we will unconsciously duplicate our family of origin, even if abusive, until we identify and change the messages we internalized  living in our family of origin.   
 
If we stay in an abusive situation long enough we will internalize/come to deeply believe, many of the lies. This lies may include:
 

• You are ugly. No one else would want you.
• You are stupid, incompetent, and could not function without me telling  you what to do.
• You do not earn a living and will never be able to take care of yourself.
• You are too old to start over.
• You are not lovable.

 
Healing will include identifying as many of these lies (over time) as possible and correcting them.   Frequent a therapist and a support group of others people with an abusive history can help with this healing process.
 
Of course, healthy, loving partners are still human.  Healthy people have off moments or days, but they do not blame their partner and have some method of identifying the problem and resolving it over time.  Heathy partners never:
 

• Think it is okay to say mean things.  We all may, at times, get so upset that we say something we would not normally say, but we recognize what happened, apologize and attempt to find a way to avoid doing that in the future.
• Think touching in anger is okay unless they are getting a person out of a dangerous situation. 
• Blame other people for their behavior.
• Wait for magic. They have a system for growing emotionally and spiritually.
• Take responsibility for taking care of themselves.
• Are not controlling.
• Share resources,  family responsibilities, and chores without having to be asked.
• Are considerate – do not think words such as please or thank you are unnecessary or lame.
• Do not keep without love, information or emotions.

 
Obviously there are many other qualities which we strive to bring to a healthy relationship. The key is that we have a commitment to do so.  We are committed to intentional living.
 
One cannot fall in love with half a person.  One can certainly fall in love with someone who later is unavailable because of injury or illness, but it is not possible to fall in love with someone who is abusive from the beginning of  the relationship or to stay in love with someone who is abusive for other than medical reasons (including PTSD).
 
Careful, accurate language is very powerful.  If I am in love with the person I want you to be, then I am not in love with you. I am in love with this fictional character or with less than a whole person. I once talked to a friend who had a date with someone who was rude and unkind.  She came back from the date and announced that she really liked this person. I asked her to attempt to identify what she liked about this person. She finally was able to say that she really liked his nose which may have reminded her of someone in her family she loved. I suggested that she get an artificial nose from the costume shop and carry it in her purse.   It was impossible to have a relationship with just this person’s nose. She fortunately realized how unrealistic she was being. 
 
So the next time you hear someone or yourself saying you love someone who is abusive, you might want to correct your statement and admit that you love a fictional person.
 
 
Written April 6, 2017
 
 
 
 
 

​Anxious or introvert
 
I am indebted to Susan Cain to whose Ted Talk, “The Power of Introverts” I was listening while at the gym this morning. Ms. Cain is co-founder of Quiet Revolution and author of the bestsellers Quiet Power; The Secret Strengths of Introverts and The  Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.   The talk triggered  a concern I have had when working for and with clients who are exploring the lies which generalized anxiety has used to limit their lives.   My concern has to do with the possibility that in guiding these clients in systematically correcting the lies of generalized anxiety I might be leaving the impression that the goal is to become extroverts when, in fact, not everyone who has struggled with generalized anxiety is an extrovert.   In fact, there might be those whose anxiety stems from attempting to force oneself to become an extrovert.  
 
Although many people might think of me as an extrovert I have always known that I am basically an introvert.  Yes, I am that person who says good morning to many of the individuals I see regularly at the gym.  I am also that person who  can and does teach, lead workshops, and speak out when I feel passionately about some issue.  I am also that person who is very content to spend many of my evenings alone at home, reading, writing, cooking, working on a home remodeling or repair project, or just quietly being present with Mother Nature.   As a child, if I could take a break from farm chores and “escape from my mother and siblings” one, during summer months, could find me in the arm of a tree limb reading.  At school, I was perfectly happy to entertain myself and felt no need to push myself to enjoy organized sports or other group activities.   Of course, given that eventually seven of us would, prior to the advent of the tiny homes, be squeezed into a very small three-room house, the choice of alone time inside forced one into what might later term a deep meditative state in which one mentally blocked out all others.   This state of being did not, however, please my mother who might be loudly calling my name just inches away from my physical body without any conscious awareness from me.
 
Most creative people I know enjoy and even need a lot of alone time.  There may be those who are most creative when with others, but I, like Ms. Cain and countless others, need  a quiet space into which ideas can roam and possibly visit other internal ideas at their own pace. There will come a time when sharing these ideas with others – even in a group situation – will help refine and mold them into a concrete plan.
 
There are many activities I do not do well although I have learned to pass. These include:
 
·      Cocktail parties, business after hours, or other events when one is expected to mingle. I am more likely to be found reading a book, studying an art piece, or occasionally having an in-depth conversation with one person and, thus, being accused of preventing that person from performing the mingling ritual.
·      Hanging with other men while the women folk prepare dinner or just hang out together.   I cannot and make no effort to be able recite personal statistics of sports team members – statistics which few men can recite about their wife or children.  I also cannot talk cogently about hunting, fishing, bowling, political sound bites, ATVs or cars.  I do not, as some men acquaintances have suggested, hang out with other men listening to tunes and drinking beer. I cannot  carry on a seemingly cogent conversation about the pros and cons of different types of beer or the fruitiness, oakness or other qualities of a “fine wine.”
·      Take seriously organized sports, card games or other competitive activates.   I might occasionally enjoy a board game if others see this as time to visit while incidentally playing a game.
·      Chat when hiking, driving or engaged in other activities which include the presence of other humans.
 
In short, I could often be perceived as anti-social, ditzy, a day dreamer or just out of it.  Yet, it is not that I dislike people any more than I dislike other members of the primate family.  I often welcome reading separate books together which can include occasional sharing of passages one is reading.
 
One might see me in public by myself laughing, shedding crocodile tears, frowning or mischievously grinning.  Fortunately, with the advent of cell phones and blue tooth most may now assume that I am talking to someone.  Not!
 
I travel well by myself but can enjoy company when traveling with a person(s) who does/do not require one have a running commentary.
 
The person with generalized anxiety may share some or even many of the various alone or solitary activities.  They, however, also, have another companion – that of fear.   Frequently the world outside of their very small bubble is experienced as a very dangerous place.  They may not be able to articulate the source of the danger, but they may get frightened to the point that they have a full-blown panic attack during which the very act of breathing is problematic.  They may have dreams – often secret – which they do not share or pursue because the fear/anxiety will tell them that they are in grave danger if they pursue that dream. Unlike the introvert without  generalized anxiety, they often feel as if they do not have choices.  The anxiety makes their choices for them.  It may be, without the anxiety they would still choose to live what others might perceive as an isolated or  even isolate life.  If they want to live that life in New York City, Hong Kong, a remote island or the plains of Kansas the anxiety does not allow this range of choices.    Unlike the introvert without generalized anxiety they cannot  run off to Amsterdam or Seattle to enjoy not only the touristy sites but sitting for hours at an outdoor café table writing, reading or just observing. The introvert may go on a long bike ride or visit the treasures housed in museums. They can easily be with or among people without feeling a need to be with people.  Yet, they are open to enchanting or interesting conversations with a perfect stranger.  
 
The person living with generalized anxiety disorder has to first learn to correct lies of the of anxiety and systematically expand their world.  Only then can they make choices based on their basic personality or preferences.  When the fear/anxiety is in charge one has no choices. 
 
Written April 5, 2017
 

​ School  Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 31
 
I am eager to hear what these young scholars and families think about the long-term effects of playing  violent video games.
The scholars are now arriving.
 
Me:  Good morning class.   
 
Class:  Good morning Mr. Jim.  Cookies?
 
Me:  Yes I brought cookies.  Sofia and Tara please pass them out.
 
(They do and, as usual, the cookies are quickly inhaled).
 
Class: Thanks Mr. Jim.
 
Me: You are welcome.   I am eager to hear what you and your families think about playing violent video games.
 
Tara:  As I said last week, my family does not allow any violent video games or any movies which are real violent. I don’t think it is fair since all my friends play them and they are not violent.
 
Me:  Tara, why has your family decided to not allow these games or violent movies?
 
Tara: Well, to be fair, we are not allowed to play a lot of video games at all. Even television time is very restricted.  Video games, computers and televisions are not allowed in bedrooms.  We have a study/media area in the living room and a television in the family room.
 
Me: Do you know why your parents made these rules Tara?
 
Tara:  They think that we need to learn to talk to each other and to disagree without violence.
 
Sam:   We also are not allowed to play violent games and you know, Uncle Jim, that our family plays a lot of board games.  We also do a lot of other activities together.
 
Sue:  I sometimes like to play violent video games but I  and my siblings are not allowed to play any video games very much.
 
Me:  It seems as if some families are more concerned about video games in general than about violence.
 
Steve:  Sometimes we watch something on television or a movie which is violent but we talk about it.   No one is allowed to hit or say mean words to others.  
 
Tommy:  My family says that no one is sure that violent video games are bad and we are allowed to play some, but we can only play for short time.
 
Susie: We looked up a lot of information and no one seems to know if violent video games cause more violence or aggress  - oh what is that word?
 
Me:  Aggression such as bullying, hitting, being mean.
 
Ahmes: My family says that there is less violence in the world than their used to be.
 
Me: That is true. Violence of all kinds is less, but we hear more about it than we used to.
 
Tommy:  Is it always wrong to be violent Mr. Jim?  What if we are just trying to make bad people be nicer?
 
Me:  That is a great question Tommy.   Now you are asking another question:  “Does punishing people who are mean or hurt people help them become better people?
 
Tara:  I asked mom about the detective books she reads all the time.  She admitted some of those are violent.
 
Me: What did she say?
 
Tara: She said she wants to think that reading detective books is different than playing violent video games but she was not sure.
 
Me:  That is another good question. I thought of that also because a I read a lot of detective stories but never play video games and never allowed my son to play them.     One author Keith Stuart had written about this and suggests that in novels usually there is violence  within a story.  A detective or another good person tries to stop the person who is hurting others. In video games often there seems to be no reason for the violence.   I am not suggesting that violence is ever okay, but I am suggesting that in detective novels we have to have a reason for the good people to be violent.
 
Sue:  Are you saying that we do not know if violent video games cause people to be more aggres- oh I forgot.
 
Me: More aggressive. Let me write it on the board.
You are right Susie, it seems as if we do not know. It does seem as if there is some reason to think that spending a lot of time with such things as video games, texting and other such devices may have bad effects on the brain.   It also sounds as if all of your families are concerned about finding non-violent ways of solving problems. 
 
Sofia: My mom and dad say that they love that we talk about all issues and that everyone  in our family can have an opinion.
 
Me: I agree Sofia. It sounds to me that all of our families value talking and playing together a lot.  Some of you children will grow up and become scientists who will study some of these questions.  Perhaps the best we can do now is to admit we need to look at ways to  take better care of each other. Certainly not everyone who plays video games or reads detective books learns to be violent. The leaves open the question of whether violence is ever okay.  
 
Goodness, time is nearly up.   Sam and Sue please pass out cookies and Sofia will you pass out the assignment for next week.  For next week can we talk about the importance of play.  How does play help children and adults.
 
Ring! Ring!  Ring!
 
Me:  Have a good week.
 
Class: Bye Mr. Jim
 
Written April 4, 2017
 

​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 8 – Week 31

This week is the 31st time I have met with these 8t graders. It has been an exciting adventure.  Given the constraints of the school budget it is not clear if this class will be offered the 8th graders net year.  Even though my time is volunteered, if the budget is severely cut there may adjustments in the schedule.  For now, however, we will continue to meet and appreciate our time together.  I am excited to hear that these students have to say about the relationship between science and morals – between science and how we determine what is right and wrong.

The students are now arriving.

Me: Good morning class.  Yes, we have cookies!

Class: Yea!  Good morning Mr. Jim

Me:  Tom and Susie will you pass out the cookies please.

(They do so.)

Me:  I am eager to hear what you and your families think about the question of whether science can answer the question of what is right and wrong.  I had suggested you might listen to a Ted Talk by Samuel Harris, an author, philosopher and neuroscientist.  He firmly believes that “the separation between science and human values is an illusion.”   How many of you and your families listened to his talk?

Everyone raises their hands.

Me:  Who wants to begin the conversation?  What is the basis of human values for Mr. Harris?

Will:  He says that “values are  a certain kind of fact.  They are facts about the well-being of conscious creatures.” 

Susie:   He also says that “If we are more concerned about our fellow primates than we are about insects, as indeed we are, it’s because we think that they’re exposed to a greater range of potential happiness and suffering.”

Me: You are doing good with writing down what you want to remember.

Abdul:  I thought we said that the brain of the fruit fly in many ways duplicates that of humans. Can fruit flies suffer?

Ann:  Is someone has a lot of money do they suffer less than someone who is poor and cannot afford to take care of their family.  We know someone whose mother is very sick but they cannot afford to pay for a special kind of treatment.  Some folks are helping to raise money for them.

Susie: Does it make a difference that Mr. Harris talks about being exposed to a greater range of potential happiness and suffering?

Me: Great question. Do we know what brings about happiness?

Amena:  The terrorist is very happy for a time but he or she makes others suffer.

Me:  Are we now going back to the teaching of philosophers such as Jeremy Bentham who talked about the greatest good for the greatest number?

Amena:  Was he the one who was also concerned about animal rights?

Me:  Yes, he was.  I cannot recall whether he made a distinction between primates and insects.  What other questions come to mind when thinking about whether science can answer the question of how we determine what is right and wrong.

Susie: When we were listening to him talk about women who wear the burqa I got very confused. It is almost as if he is saying that women in certain society are not really free to choose whether to wear a burqa although he says that women  should be free to make that choice.

Me:  Susie, are you saying that even if women say that they feel free to make a choice, according to Mr. Harris they may not be?  He also calls it a burlap bag which seems to confuse the issue.

Susie: I think so Mr. Jim.  It gets very confusing.

Paul: We talked about whether science can identify natural law and if they can be people such as Hobbs and Locke right to suggest that morality is about duty to abide by natural law.

Ann: Have we already interfered with natural law?  Is climate change related to that?

Me:  Great questions all of you.  Obviously, humans have been attempting to determine the basis of moral decision for a very long time. 

John:  We read some about Mr. Harris and it seems as if he is determined to find a way to talk about right and wrong without relying on religion. Didn’t he write some books about that.

Me:  Very good John.  Many people have used religious beliefs to try to teach right and wrong. For some, the fear of God’s displeasure is how they decide what to do.

Paul:  If we are making a decision based on fear it is really a decision which counts as moral?

Me:  Great question Paul.  At the end of his  Ted Talk Mr. Harris comes back to the question of “needless human suffering”.  

Ann:  Can science answer such questions as whether it is moral to keep people in prison and treat them badly?

Me: That is another great question.  If our goal is to punish and our belief is that punishing person x will keep person y from committing causing suffering than causing person x suffering prevents person y from causing further suffering.

Amena:  My head hurts Mr. Jim.

Me:  Yes, it gets confusing.  Has this exercise been useful?

Susie: My parents said that as long as we are trying to  honestly  to find ways to ease suffering we are doing a good job.  

Tom:  My mom says she worries about people who think it is right to make people suffer. She is pleased that we are listening to a lot of people including Mr.  Harris but she is not sure anyone has the one answer of what is right and wrong.

Me:  Great point Tom:   All of you did a good job.  You and your family listened critically to Mr. Harris.   If we keep reading and listening to each other instead of thinking there is one answer we will perhaps learn what questions to ask.

Paul:  It always seems as if the more we talk the more questions we have Uncle Jim.

Me:  Yes, it seems that way Paul.   Goodness the time is up.   Next week the assignment is talk about whether having more weapons as our President is suggesting will keep us safer.  I have the assignment here.   Paul and Amena will you please hand out the cookies and the assignment?  Thanks.

(They do so.)

Ring!  Ring!  Ring!

Me: Have a wonderful week everyone.

Class: Bye Mr. Jim

​Grandma says:  Honor your family
 
In my mind, Grandma Fannie was the matriarch of the family. It seemed  as if no matter what squabbles might be temporarily separating people or how critical some family members were of each other, when Grandma Fannie announced a family gathering nearly everyone showed up.   In the memory of the young man which is now housed in the body of  this old man, it was not unusual  for dozens of people to be gathered inside the home she and Grandpa built, in the large yard bordered by  whatever flowers were in season, or at the cemetery on Memorial Day .  The gathering might be on a holiday or it might be have been to celebrate the homecoming of a family members who lived in California, Washington, D.C. or some other distant place.   Although others certainly did their share of  food preparation, recording of family history or other tasks which directly or indirectly honored the many generations, living and dead, it seemed to be Grandma Fannie, the acknowledged matriarch, who issued the call to gather.   There was limited use of the telephone and more liberal use of snail mail to facilitate communication. Some family members lived relatively close together and might have communicated in person, but there was certainly no texting, email, instant messaging or even use of ancient methods such as smoke signals as far as I knew. Yet everyone received the call.
 
As I look at photographs of some of these gatherings I am also struck by the fact that everyone seemed to don their Sunday best whatever that was.   The costumes for Uncle Nealus and his family  who were “town folk” were different than those of Uncle Happy and Aunt Pleasie who were  country folk,  but they were all  dressed as if they were gathering with the most important people in the world.  I am not sure that they would have dressed differently for dinner at the White House or the Governor’s Mansion.   Aunt Bullah might have come directly from church, but I suspect honoring family was not that much different than honoring God.  Of course, I do not mean to imply that Aunt Bullah was elevating humans to the level of God but, in her mind, humans were God’s children and one was commanded to love all of God’s children.   Although I am sure that there were racist and other discriminatory thoughts and beliefs at these gathering of Native Americans, “white folks” and all blood percentages in between, I suspect if someone had shown up with a DNA family lineage showing the extent of African American  and other blood connections, they would have been welcomed.  I am not sure what folks might or might not have said after the gathering, but there was no question in my young mind  that when Grandma Fannie said “Honor your family” one better be nice to all one’s cousins, suffer the kisses of the aunts without in their presence wiping them away and stand still for the messing of the hair by the Uncles. These were family.   
 
Family included spouses and I am sure anyone who was visiting said relatives or anyone who happened by.  If the local minister happened by I am sure he was treated the same as other family members. 
 
In my mind, the patriarch of the family was not  Grandpa Ed who was married to Grandma Fannie but Uncle Happy.  It is interesting that I do not think of Aunt Pleasie, Uncle Happy’s wife who I adored, as the vice-matriarch although I always think in terms of visiting Aunt Pleasie and Uncle Harold.  For whatever reason Uncle Harold has been attached to the cell in my brain  labeled as supreme patriarch.
 
I have not lived geographically close to my relatives since the fall of 1958 although I attended quite a number of family gatherings when I returned for subsequent visits.   Grandma Fannie, Grandpa Ed, Uncle Harold, Aunt Pleasie, Uncle Nealus, Aunt Helen, Aunt Josie (technically a cousin I think), Aunt Velma, Uncle Bill, Aunt Ruby and the rest of that generation of Picketts, Scotts, Holemans and others now wait to be honored at the cemetery.  If there is a matriarch it is my sister Bonnie and those gatherings include a limited circle of family members and none of the extended family members.  I occasionally have a  Facebook messenger note from a cousin  as I did yesterday from cousin Norman  (son of Uncle Nealus and Aunt Helen) but, for the most part,  the term family has shrunk. Yet, when I do hear from someone or have an opportunity to say hello I assure them that the door is open, the coffee pot on and the guest room has clean sheets.   Grandma Fannie’s is right there directing my words and actions. The Keurig coffee pot has replaced the metal one which first percolated on the stove and later was plugged into the electric outlet.  The sheets no longer smell of the air from being hung to dry on the line.   I now understand more fully that honor your family includes all of God’s children of all races, religions, sexual orientations, ages, cultures and political beliefs. I know that if the political candidate I most did not want to win showed up at my door, Grandma Fannie would be whispering in my ear, “Honor your family.  Watch your manners young man. Open that door and your arms.  This is family.”  Perhaps she did not really respect them but, for that moment, she in including them in her idea of family.
 
Written April 3, 2017
 

​Prayer
 
The word prayer, the practice of something called prayer, has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  Whether in the context of a religious service, as a way of letting someone know that one’s energy would be focused on their pain or illness or new beginning, the word prayer is a frequent visitor to my mind and something which is articulated by my mouth.  Yet, when I stopped to think about my adult concept of prayer, I am hard pressed to define what I mean by the word.  I can certainly say what it is not.  It is no longer the concept of a chatting with this bigger than life father figure who was ready to not only keep track of all the rules/laws I broke in thought, word and deed but also ready to dispense justice which was always in the form of punishment.
 
While listening to the March 30, 2017  conversation between  Krista Tippett ad Kayli Long Soldier, poet, teacher, mother and a member of the Lakota tribe and nation, I was intrigued by what she had to say about prayer “being central to an ability to enact, even to take…”  She also says of the community at Standing Rock, “…how firm that community has been on keeping prayer as central to everything they do.”
 
What she said certainly resonated with me and yet, once again, when I tried to define what it was that was resonating I was at a loss for words.
 
The Oxford Dictionary was not much help.  It says of the term prayer:
1.1        A solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to Go or an object of worship.
1.2       A religious service, especially a regular one, at which people gather in order to pray together.
1.3       An earnest hope or wish.
 
I was at a 12-step program the other day where it is their tradition to end the group therapy with saying the Serenity Prayer together.  Most 12-step meetings open and close their meeting with a prayer; usually the Serenity Prayer or the Lord’s Prayer.
 
The 12-step program talks about a God of one’s understanding. Other traditions talk about Allah, Buddha, Elohim, I am, or any of a host of terms.   In certain cultures the medical team gathers around a sick person and focuses all their positive energy on destroying the tumor or another invasive disease of the patient.  Just this morning I signed a note to a friend whose mother is very ill  with “love and prayers.”  In my mind, I was imagining the sick person and sending waves of love energy through the thousands of miles of space which separates us. 
 
Scientific studies suggest that prayer is effective in healing emotional and physical wounds.  Scientific studies also  suggest that negative energy is detrimental to the health of an individual, a family or a community.  We know that living with someone who is emotionally abusive will result in serious health issues.  I suspect that all of us have had the experience  of coming into a home or another space and tensing up because our body knows that this is not an emotionally safe space.  
 
When I think of prayer I never think about sending negative energy to someone or wishing that something bad will happen to someone to repay them for the “bad” I may think that they have caused.    Usually, my prayer for the person who has caused harm to others is “bless them.”   I think of the prayer of Jesus, “Bless them for they know not what they do.” Along with this thought is frequently the thought that I have hurt others by commission or omission.  Then my prayer may also be, “Forgive me and allow me to  be more present and intentional.”   At those times, I am thinking of clearing out the distractions  or letting go of the internal distractions which keep me from being more aware of how my thoughts and actions affect others.
 
When I think of prayer I also think of restoring or bringing about a “natural” balance or harmony in the world.  In my mind, any type of violence or anything at all which interrupts the synchrony of the world, an individual  body, a family or a community is harmful.  My prayer is that the I do my part to remove that “something.”
 
The sum total of the harmony or the synchronized universe is that force, energy or “being” which is to be sought or yearned for.  Is this God, higher power, Allah, Buddha or something else which eludes my limited ability to envision?   I have no idea but I do know that I will continue to find that quiet, focused place which allows me to direct my positive thoughts and energy to healing/spiritual growth/loving. 
 
Prayer is love or an attempt to embrace both that which is seen and that which is unseen.   Prayer is that little child who when asked how much she/he loves you opens their arms wide and says, “This much.”
 
Written April 1, 2017
 

Sunday musings – April 3, 2017  - Serenity Prayer
 
I have been thinking a lot  about the serenity prayer this week.   As readers know  in addition to being  a general  licensed counselor I am a certified addiction counselor. More important, perhaps, I have friends and colleagues who struggle with their own addictions or that of friends and family members. In fact, I do not know of any person or family who is not directly affected by addiction or some other disease over which they have no control.  All of us also daily face other situations over which we have no control   For example, this week in the Ohio Valley there has been a lot of rain and although the Ohio river has not reached flood stage some rivers and creeks have  overflowed into yards and homes.
 
There have been many advances in health care throughout much of the world in the past 50 years.  Yet, at some point all of us come to the t point where he is forced to say goodbye to those we love. Soon it will be our turn.
 
The serenity prayers offer consistently wise advice.  The full version is:
 
GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change, 
 
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference. 
 
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace. 
 
Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is, 
not as I would have it. 
 
Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will; 
 
That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. 
 
Amen
NOTE: This is the full prayer attributed to Karl Paul Reinhold Niebuhr reportedly written in 1926. Niebuhr was a Lutheran pastor and theologian. Usually his "Serenity Prayer" is quoted using the first 2 verses only.
(SandersWeb.net)
 
As it states  usually it  is the first two verses which are quoted.  Recovering addicts often use these first two verses at the beginning and ending of many of their 12-step meetings.  Those verses standing alone are easier for some because there is only a mention of God which is easier for those for whom prayer does not include a higher power.  Many, even without  a belief in a higher power,  can identify with the strong desire to show up and focus one’s energy on what one can control.
 
I was thinking of the serenity prayer this morning as I worked out at the gym and listened to four different TED talks on addiction. All  the speakers offered insight to a greater understanding of the disease and all alluded to the need to focus on how we can be helpful to those who struggle with addiction.  None suggested that we could  control the behavior of the addict.  Some did suggest that perhaps more countries, including the United States, should consider following  the example of Portugal who decriminalized the use of all drugs in 2001.  Their approach to the use of recreational and addictive drugs is:
 
“In 2001, the Portuguese government did something that the United States would find entirely alien. After many years of waging a fierce war on drugs, it decided to flip its strategy entirely: It decriminalized them all.
If someone is found in the possession of less than a 10-day supply of anything from marijuana to heroin, he or she is sent to a three-person Commission for the Dissuasion of Drug Addiction, typically made up of a lawyer, a doctor and a social worker. The commission recommends treatment or a minor fine; otherwise, the person is sent off without any penalty. A vast majority of the time, there is no penalty.”
Mic Network Inc. 
 
After an initial spike in drug use, overall use and addiction has consistently declined.  No one claims that decriminalization takes away the pain for the addict or the family members of addiction.  There are some who respond well to treatment, others who seem constitutionally  unable to use  tools of recovery to change their habits of thinking and behavior.   Portugal has accepted that it makes sense to approach addiction as a disease and not as a criminal offense.   As with diabetes and many other chronic illnesses the ministry of health has accepted that  lectures, punishment and other negative approaches are not successful.  Whether it was a better understanding of illness and changes in brain function or because of proof that criminalizing addiction  was increasing the problem and punishing the tax payer as well as the addict, it was accepted by a majority of legislators that it was time to practice the serenity prayers.
 
All changes in approach to medical and social issues happens when one comes to that point of acceptance that the current approach is not working.  Punishing, threatening, attempting to scare people into change is not effective.  
 
I was also reminded this week that there are many things I could do. These included:

• Attend  a luncheon to raise funds for a local transition house.
• Make a small momentary donation.
• Visit with others  at the fundraiser and, thus, remind myself and others that we are a community. We do not have to face  issues or diseases alone.
• Meet with folks regardless of their monetary resources.
• Take care of myself so that I am as present as possible with love to both those who are struggling and those who are giving back.
• Use text, email, and  snail mail to stay in close touch with those with whom I am sharing this life journey.
• Volunteer to help at a local treatment center.
• Take care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually – fill up my gas tanks.
• Laugh often with friends.
• Practice unconditional love;
• Practice  noticing and letting go of expectations or  conditions.
• Attend a 12-step meeting to give and receive support.
• Celebrate victories of friends and acquaintances.
• Refuse to feed doom and gloom approaches to this life journey while not denying real issues
• Laugh often with friends.
• Take time to write a gratitude list and share with others.
• Listen, listen, listen  - books, Tad Talks, Podcasts, suggestions from others, correspondence courses or in person talks.
• Laugh  often with friends.

 
 
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change, 
 
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference. 
 
 
Written  April 2, 2017

​Silent confessions  - Silent apologies
 
As  a person who works with and for those seeking recovery from active addiction to drugs, sex, power or other behavior or things which prevent one from owning oneself, I am very familiar with the 12 steps. In fact, I often use the 12 steps as an organized way to approach my own emotional and spiritual growth.   Two of the steps that I was thinking about this morning are steps 4 and 5:
 
 
Step 4:  “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
 
Step 5:   “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
 
As a person who was first introduced to spiritual growth using the religious framework of the Christian church, I was very familiar with the role of confession in spiritual growth.   Whether in the confessional booths of the Catholic church, from the floor of the sanctuary or in front of the congregation, one was early on introduced to the importance of admitting one’s wrong and asking for and/or accepting God’s forgiveness and direction through the minister or priest. One knew that there could  be no growth without forgiveness and there could be no forgiveness without a sincere confession.    The personal confession was in addition to the general confession in which one stated that one was heartily sorry for one’s sins.   There are many versions or wordings for this public act of contrition but all are some version of the following:
 
O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended You,
and I detest all my sins because I offend You, my God,
Who is all good and deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve, with the help of Your grace,
to do penance,
and to amend my life. Amen. [9]
 
Often in my role as counselor and my former role as a Christian teaching elder/minister, I heard the initial confession of someone.  If the person is in  a 12-step recovery program, they then go on to do a full fourth and fifth step.    After an initial confession and a full  fifth step with a sponsor, the  person is often surprised to find the listener(s) ready to embrace them and welcome to the human race.  They find that no one is surprised or shocked that they  committed acts which have often been very hurtful to themselves and others. This is part of the nature of our humanness.  Our human mind can find ourselves discounting the sacredness of ourselves, others or mother nature which provides substance for all of us.  
 
When we fail to confess the behavior which separates us from ourselves and others, we can only be reconnected by openly admitting our actions with at least one other person.  A silent, private confession may be a start to reconnect with ourselves but it will not lead to a reconnection with others
 
It is no secret that Native American were living in what is now the United States long before Europeans (primarily) decided to immigrate to the country.  It is no secret that the rights and sacred personhood of the Native American were systematically violated.  Land, lives, culture, language and more were stolen.
 
Although in recent years more has been written about the treatment of Native Americans and the subsequent destruction of  all that was sacred to them, including many lives, there has never been a public apology.   Just this morning I did discover that in 2009 President Obama signed a piece of legislation -  The Defense Appropriation Act of 2009 – in which was buried a carefully crafted and very limited resolution of apology to Native Americans.   Although some newspapers including the Wall Street Journal made mention of this resolution there was no public ceremony or even acknowledgment of this very limited apology.   No Native American leaders were invited to the signing of this bill.  There were no acts of contrition.  
 
Is there value in such a carefully crafted, limited, basically silent apology?  Can one be redeemed or forgiven though such an act? Can there be a genuine reconnection or, in this case, breaking of bread together as a family if the confession or apology is silent and so carefully packaged in the all the “Whereas’ with assurance of no repatriations?  
 
I am indebted to Layli Long Solder, the poet and teacher who is also Native American  and to Krista Tippett, host of On Being, for making me aware of this silent, limited resolution which was not accompanied by a deep from the soul tearful confession.   Yet I know  there could be no acceptance of even this  limited confession, no welcome home, or no “say it brother” or “say it sister.”  There could be no equivalent of the 12-step sponsor holding out his or her arms to welcome one home; no killing of the fatted calf to welcome home the prodigal sons and daughters, 
 
In short, we must ask if this counts as a confession at all.  Is a carefully, crafted, resolution silent apology redemptive in any way?
 
I fear that without acceptance of our humanness, there can be no humility and without humility there can be no forgiveness. Without forgiveness, there can be no  connection. Without reconnection, there can be no internal, external or communal peace.
 
Written March 31, 2017
 

​Emotional Maturity
 
I have just had lunch with a young friend who is now age 22. I have known this young man since he was a teenager. He continues to grow into what I consider an emotionally mature young man with whom I enjoy spending time.  This young man is is very intentional abut examining his values and corresponding actions.     Earlier today, I met with a man who is considerably older   He has now been in recovery or semi-recovery for alcoholism for about 1 ½ years. Thankfully he is not drinking, is taking care of his family and is working full time although not in the profession for which  he was  trained. Still, he is paying his bills and  he is a lot more present than he was able to be when he was drinking   He still struggles with some habits of thinking and behavior which are normal for someone who is in early recovery. Sadly, other than attending some meetings he has decided that he does not need to systematically work the steps of the 12 step program.   If he continues to resist doing what has worked for so many he may end up being what is sometimes called a dry drunk or he will  relapse.  This is an all too common pattern – do the minimal recovery program and hope that one’s brain heals and one begin to think like a healthy adult male.  There may  be times when this works, but very often it does not work.  If one has a history of going through the normal developmental stages of growth until age 26 or later one might have a pretty solid base.  On the other hand, all too often the person in early recovery from addiction or other disease did not go through the normal developmental stages and, thus did but build a solid base.   A solid base will always entail a system for growing emotionally, physically and spiritually.
 
During the recent  presidential campaign I found myself thinking that the average emotional age of many of the candidates  seemed to be  about 13.
 
I decided to google emotional maturity to see if there was any consensus among “experts” about the emotional and behavioral characteristic of emotional maturity.  Not surprisingly, many people  have explored this topic.  I found numerous sites on which various individuals attempted to articulate the behavior of those they consider emotionally mature.   Below are three lists from three different referenced sites:
 
Honor long term commitments         
Unshaken by criticism or flattery
Spirit of humility
Decisions based on character, not feeling
Expresses gratitude consistently
Knows how to prioritize others  before themselves
Seeks wisdom before acting
(Psychologytoday.com)
 
Seekers of self mastery – use we/team/mentors
Emotionally Intelligent – stay calm and think clearly – act and not react
Positive attitude-hard work, patience and persistence pays off
Independent  - live by principles and purposes
Delay gratification
Truthful – high integrity
Responsible
Accessible-give their time to relationships, projects, goals
Gracious and fiving
(Sherrie Campbell entrepreneur.com/article/28265)
 
Research reaching your goal
Daily affirmations keep your eye on the prize
Set healthy boundaries
Learn to pause
Learn when to say when –self control is a fundamental giant
Infuse emotional maturity into  one’s work – humility
Behavioral growth  - learn from mistakes
Stop making poor choices – grow up-live within means – live by moral compass
(Good men projects.com)
 
I could also have listed the steps of the 12 step programs which essentially focus on developing these emotional and behavioral traits.    Some would maintain that both Buddha and Jesus advocated that each of us strive to develop and refine the same traits.  Some “experts” may emphasize certain behaviors and practices, but they also suggest that we  develop a set of values/morals which we constantly examine, be accepting  of our own humanness and that of others, be quick to admit and learn from mistakes, apologize often and be quick to forget.  They would also advocate that one take responsibility for one’s action and focus not on flagellating oneself but learning from one’s mistakes, help and not judge the least of these, and surround oneself with loving healthy people.
 
First and foremost most would suggest that we practice what the 12 step programs call the HOW of the program – honestly, open mindedness and willingness – in all our affairs.  Secondly they would all suggest that emotional maturity is a journey and not a destination. We have to work on this daily for all the days of our life.  If not, we will fall back into immature, unhealthy ways of functioning. As is true with all skills, we have to practice, practice, practice – learn, learn, learn. 
 
Together we can help each other grow towards emotional maturity.  I suspect that we will find that emotional maturity  and spiritual maturity always go together.  We cannot have one without the other.
 
 
Written March 30, 2017