Blog Archives - Therapy or life coaching

Violence will stop violence

5/19/2018

Violence will stop violence

Another school shooting, this time in Houston. One teacher, 9 students killed. Very sad. I may be in the minority in thinking we need to consider:

Gun control – limiting people who have easy access to guns.
Gun control – limiting the number of guns which are manufactured.
Local and national leaders finding non-violent ways of dealing with difficult situations.
Local and national leaders modeling respect for all people regardless of differences in race, nationalities, sexual orientation, gender or other factors.

I am well aware that us humans have been responding to violence with violence for as long as we have been recording history. Whether the violence is against property or people, us humans have believed that other humans will permanently change their behavior if one uses more force/violence.

Today, guns and material for bombs or other methods of mass destruction are more available. Today it is easier than ever to connect with others who are thinking that violence is a good or appropriate way to gain attention, deal with one’s pent up rage or prove to the bully that they will not be bullied again.

I am well aware that nothing anyone does is going to end all physical, sexual or other emotional violence. I do, however, think that positive leaders who model alternatives to violence can make a significant difference. I also think:

At schools, the workplace, jails and places serving the homeless, we need to provide quality, accessible mental health service.
We need to quit using jails as places to dump mentally ill people. No one, including mentally ill people get better in jail.
We need to change the legal definition of who is mentally competent to stand trial and who is mentally competent to be held responsible for committing a crime. Science and not emotions can guide the new definition.
We need safe, clean, respectful places where those who are unable to consider the needs of others can be treated with dignity and the best available health care – physical and mental – we have available.

There are no easy answers. We do know, however, that more anger, guns and violence is not going to reduce mass shootings or other incidences of violence. We also know no one consciously chooses to have a mind which is unable to love or consider the needs of others. Some of us can, however, be intentional about doing our part to create a world which is safer and approaches issues with empathy and compassion.

Written May 19, 2018

Someone has to at fault

5/18/2018

Someone has to be at fault

Many of us were taught that actions and people are divided into ones which can be neatly labeled as good, bad, right, wrong, moral and immoral. There is a lot of comfort in believing in a very clear cut world of people and events. As soon as one can label an event or person one knows know to react or how to treat the person. If we accept this system of dualities we can compile a long lists. In the bad or immoral list we could include:

Illegal immigrants.
Women who get abortions.
Those who do not accept our version of god.
Those who break the law and are incarcerated.
Those who sexually abuse others.
Those who are pregnant and continue to smoke or use other drugs which might adversely affect the fetus.
Those who do not support gun rights.
Those are actively addicted.
Those who are not responsible in the manner one defines responsibility.
Those who are not patriotic as one define patriotic.
Those who are not heterosexual.
Those who are not successful in the way that one defines success.

One could, of course, compile one’ s own list and then use that list to decide who is deserving of health care, housing, healthy food, safe water, access to medication, safe and reliable transportation, the right to care for one’s children, or the ability to earn a living. One could also use that list to determine who deserves to be treated with kindness and who deserves to be shunned or punished.

It is easy to present a cogent argument for how these labels help the community members create and maintain some sense of order and protect the rights of those have proven that they deserve to live in the community and have access the resources of said community. There are some basic or core premises or so called truths which underlie this approach to building community. These include:

Some people are inherently evil or bad. One can use religion, behavior, race, gender, sexual orientation or a host of other criteria to determine who these people are. They are not capable of becoming respectable, trustworthy community members.
Humans are inherently bad and will engage in self-serving behavior guided primarily by the base sexual or other animal appetites. (I am never sure which animals should be used for the baseline comparison!)
The best way to ensure that humans behave is to punish the rule breakers even if that entails humiliating, torturing, or killing them.
Humans have free will except in cases of acute illness in which it can be clearly shown that the brain is impaired and the “disease” labeled; humans choose to be addicts, to break the law, to allow their base emotions or desires to determine their behavior. Humans choose sexual orientation, their gender identity, their objects of sexual desire, and addiction to name just a few of the “immoral” choice.

What if none of these assumptions are true? What if we explore the possibility of using the scientific approach of the null hypotheses to prove or disprove some of our assumptions? What if a great many factors affect the ability of anyone to have even one cogent thought? What if this amazing, creative mind of humans which is responsible for music which makes our souls sore, poems which touch and challenge the core of our being, th creation of structures as amazing as bridges carrying many tons of weight, buildings which soar into the sky, art which challenges and surpass our creative vision and wireless communication.

I invite all of to challenge all of the so called ‘truths” we have learned. I suspect the courage to accept this challenge is at the core of what some of us call spiritual growth. Perhaps?

Written May 18, 2018

Steps one and two of a 12 step recovery program

5/16/2018

Steps one and two of a 12 step recovery program

Yesterday, I wrote about the fact that some people reject the use of a 12-step recovery program because of the use of the term god in the steps.   If one considers oneself an atheist than it can be difficult to accept that the program could be useful. Yesterday, in my blog, I suggested that one could substitute any term or phrase such as power greater than oneself or good orderly direction for the term god.

The term god does not actually make an appearance in the 12 steps until the third step. The first step is simply: “We admitted we were powerless over our addiction/over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable.”   This step is based on the experience of addicts that when one feeds or gives in to the behavior/drug of choice the drug takes over. While the non-addict may be able to have an occasional beer, joint or whatever, the mind of the addict is kidnapped by the addictive substance or behavior when one takes that first drink, uses that first drug or eats that sweet food. (some substances such an opioid seems to kidnap a large percentage of people who use them). The addict cannot safely indulge the addictive urge. They might appear to do controlled use for a time but eventually the addictive habit is triggered and the addiction is off and running.

Steps 2 is exactly the same for AA, NA and many of the other 12 step programs.   “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” This is the first hint of a phrase which many may associate with God. Yet this step only requires that one accept that one needs help. One cannot recovery/heal alone. One can reach out to other group members for support every time one has the urge to feed one’s addiction. One can also provide support to others who are struggling to recover from active addiction. The program is based on one addict/alcoholic helping other addicts. (NA will always use the term addict while AA will use the term alcoholic.) If one feels like using one can call another addict to talk one through the obsessive urge to use. One does this instead of using.   One can also go to a 12-step meeting and talk to the group about whatever is stressful. Unlike a partner/spouse or other family member the addict understands why one needs support until the obsessive thought/feelings has lessened. One can have a list of a hundred or more phone numbers. One can frequently call a hot line number and talk to someone. One can also connect with other recovering addicts in a telephone or on line meetings.   Additionally, there are the resources of the 12 step books and other literature.

One also does not want to discount the value of the healthy voice inside one’s own head. One is not one’s addiction. Writing will often help one access that healthy voice which represents one’s true values.   If a recovering/healing person is a parent or even an aunt or uncle I might ask what advice they would give to their child/niece/nephew in a similar situation. Almost 100% of the time the healthy part of them would be able to give healthy, helpful advice to the child. This is the voice which can also tell the addict what to do also.

The bottom line is that we all need a healthy support group, the members of which will love us unconditionally while challenging our unhealthy thinking. The addict can find that support from various support groups but most readily in the we of the 12-step meetings/program.

Written May 16, 2018

The 12-step god

5/15/2018

The 12-step god

Many of those who are struggling with addictions explore the 12-step program only to quickly become discouraged or turned off by the centrality of the inclusion of the concept of God. It seems as if one has to accept a concept of god in order to effectively use the tools of the program. This is enough to convince many this program is not going to be helpful. A few may then explore other recovery programs such as Smart Recovery. Some may decide that they want an even more religious based program and will explore such programs as Celebrate Recovery. Sadly, many decide that they will “just not feed one’s primary addiction” and focus on facing life on life’s terms day by day. It is not difficult to fill up one’s hours with a job outside the house, child rearing, home maintenance, extended family and community responsibilities. One might do okay for several years and a few might even be successful in not using addictive drugs for the rest of their lives. Sadly, many will eventually relapse using addictive drugs or other behavior as tools for taking care of themselves.

No matter who one is, how much money one makes or how prestigious one’s roles in the community life shows up. Loved ones die, partners become unavailable, children struggle, finances collapse, and one is faced with dealing with many other stressors. If one has not practiced using new tools to deal with life on life’s terms one will invariably use what tools one has stored in one’s box of habits – addictive behavior.

Some, if they survive the relapse, will revisit the 12-step program only to find that the concept of god still seems central. If one is an atheist what is one to do? Research show that those who work a 12-step program – get and work with a sponsor, work the steps and attend meetings – do well with adopting new heathy self-care and family care habits.

Is there any way to use the 12-step program without pretending to accept the concept of God or to avoid being eternally irritated every time someone suggests one pray the serenity prayer or the Lord’s prayer.

Some suggest the following options regarding this god thing:

God = good orderly direction.
God = the support of the 12 step group members
God = the interworking of the universal whole – the fact every decision and action affects the entire universe
God = higher power - something outside of or more than one’s self-centered self.

Some of us learned and grew up with a very narrow concept of god; a god who was like this super human father figure who has characteristics similar to a non-recovering addict – self-centered, judgmental, quick to anger, punishing, and quick to insist my way or the highway. Personally, I have no idea why humans would post a concept of God who has all the characteristics of the worst possible parent. The heaven of which this god is the CEO is as Mark Twain points out devoid of all or most of what we humans enjoy – sex, food, laughter, physical activity, etc. At least the Greek gods had a lot of fun even if the created a lot of human type drama.

It is with this negative, limited concept of god that many enter the recovery stage of one’s life. It is not surprising that many cannot imagine a program which features this god being helpful.

What many do appreciate and accept is that humans are social beings. Isolation has a very negative impact on one’s overall health. In fact, I recently heard that isolation has more of a negative impact on one’s health than smoking. Many long for a sense of extended family or community. It is not unusual for those who do manage to accept the god or higher power concept of the 12-step program to say that, for the first time in their lives, they feel as if they are home – that they belong. They like the fact that they are able to use the program to help themselves and others. They are also able to use the program to rid themselves of all the guilt and shame of the behavior in which their malfunctioning, addicted brain forced them to engage. They are able to pursue meaningful careers, have a sense of purpose, become proud members of the community and daily be intentional about the person they want to be.

In later blogs, I will attempt to address each step of the 12-step program using a more inclusive, broader concept of higher power – god.

Written May 15, 2018

Epiphanies

5/14/2018

Epiphanies

I am reading John Grisham novel “The Street Lawyer” published in 1998. In this novel the main character, Mike is confronted with the fact that although he is successful in the eyes of his parents and many others, he is very disconnected from himself and from others.   The high-powered law firm for which he works represents a person who kicks out poor people living in a building so that it can be torn down and replaced by another building. One of the those kicked out comes to the law firm and briefly takes some of the attorneys, including Mike, hostage. Sadly, the man, Mister, is shot and killed by the police.

This incidence, however, prompts Mike to confront the epiphany that his life has no meaningful purpose. He has a marriage which is dead, but not yet buried, an expensive car, a luxurious apartment and is disconnected from anything within himself which would give make him feel as if he was worthwhile.

While reading, I was reminded of the Christian hymn, Amazing Grade, one line of which is “I was lost and now am found, was blind and now I see.”

I recently saw a client who though he was doing what he was supposed to do to be a good husband and father. He has a college degree, works hard and has been able to purchase a very nice house, two expensive cars and all the “things” which “successful people” have.   He, his wife and son did not want for anything material.   Sadly, his wife, a recovering addict, relapsed and when he found out his world came crashing done. He is now realizing that the one thing his wife and son needed from him which he was not providing was his emotional presence. Much of the time he would come home tired and not communicate with his family. When his wife attempted to tell him that she wanted and needed his emotional presence, he felt as if she was being ungrateful for all he did. His behavior was not responsible for her relapse. She had many other heathy choices although she may not have felt as if she did.

He has had an epiphany and now realizes that the same rules which apply to mechanical and business systems apply to relationships with other people.   That epiphany provides the basis for reclaiming his relationship with his emotional and spiritual self, his son and possibly with his wife.   Just as with the character Mike in John Grisham’s novel, a tragic set of events has awakened him to the shallowness of his apparent successful life.

Many of us fall into the trap of allowing life to just happen or allowing what others or the society at large says is important to determine our life course. Often it is not until some tragic event happens that the wise part of us is awaken.

Epiphanies are often the awakening of a part of us which has been asleep for a long time. Once we have an epiphany it may often seem as if it should have been impossible to miss the simple truth which has been revealed to one.

In the 12 steps program, often newcomers do not understand how the program could possibly help one reclaim one’s life.   They will be told to not use and to keep just coming back.   For those who do as advised the program will often eventually begin to make sense.

Much of learning is collecting piece after piece of a particular puzzle which does not make sense until we get that piece which suddenly connects all the other pieces. Until the epiphany happens it may seem as if one is not learning anything. It takes faith and patience to trust this process.

Written May 14, 2018

Sunday Musings - May 13, 2018

5/13/2018

Sunday Musings – May 13, 2018

In the United States, today is a day designated to honor the role of mothers. There have been celebrations to honor mothers since the early Greeks held festivals in honor of the mother goddesses Rhea and Cybele. Later there was a Christian festival known as mothering Sunday. In the United States the origins of the current celebration can be mainly traced to the actions of two women, Ann Reeves Jarvis and Julia Ward Howe. Ms. Jarvis helped started
Mother’s Day Work Clubs” in West Virginia to teach local woman how to properly care for their children. In 1868 Ms. Jarvis “organized ‘Mother’ Friendship Day, ‘at which others gathered with former Union and Confederate soldiers to promote reconciliation. In 1870 Julia Ward Howe “campaigned for a “Mother’s Peace Day” to be celebrated on June 2.” Still others including the temperance activist Juliet Blakely and later Mary Sateen and Frank Hering worked to organize a Mothers’ Day.” (history.com)

Many will claim that Mother’s Day in the United States is largely a commercial celebration designed to enrich the bank accounts of companies which sell greeting cards and other for-profit items. Personally, I think that any excuse to honor those charged the nurturing and teaching of children is well worth our time. Although it is always going to be the women who do the tough work of carrying and caring for the baby during that initial nine-month period and who experience the painful birth process, the role of active day-to-day nurturer, once a child is born, is often assumed by grandparents, fathers, aunts, uncles and various other members of the community.

It is true that we associate the job of nurturing children often or primarily with women. It is also true that we in this and many other cultures align this role with the justification for sexist, patriarchal rules which in truth are designed primarily to booster the rather fragile egos of we males and to hold on to all forms of power.

I suspect that the best way we could honor mothers in this and other cultures is to “walk the talk”. This would entail some very basic commitments including the commitment to:

Insure access to quality health care for all people of all ages.
Insure free, quality day care centers for all children regardless of the income of parents.
Insure quality education for all children.
Insure that there is paid maternity and paternity leave for all parents or those fulfilling the role of parents.
Insure that there is quality housing for all.
Insure that there is affordable lead or other contaminant free water and food products available for everyone.
Insure that we make our chief weapon diplomacy and not guns or the threat of violence.
Insure that we pay child care workers and teachers wages which allow them to live decently.
Insure that we are committed creating a society which treats addiction as a serious, treatable illness.

I am sure that many will think of other commitments that we need to make if we are truly going to honor the role of mother/nurturer in our society. It is, I believe, time to go beyond our commitment to insure the profit of Hallmark and those who cultivate and sell flowers.

Written May 13, 2018

Love is tough

5/12/2018

Love is tough

Daily I am reminded of how strong – how tough – one has to be to love.

Those of us who are parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, coaches, teachers, health care providers or anyone who comes into contact with children and young people have the challenge of teaching them by example what it means to be tough. This is not a new challenge. Every generation of humans have been faced with this question. Every generation of humans have been faced with this question. On the one side is the bully who uses power, physical size, words, or other weapons to attempt to force person(s), organizations or countries to do what he and she wants them to do. On the other side, one has the non-bully who is committed to showing up with love no matter what anyone says, does or threatens. Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Dorothy Day, Mother Theresa, Jesus, and fictional characters such as Bigger Thomas are powerful examples of those who are not intimated by a bully and will not back down or respond in a bullying manner.

Bully behavior does work. If someone knocks me out with a sledge hammer or shoots me with a gun then they have won the battle. On the other hand, one has to operationally define what it means to win a battle. What is the battle? There is no doubt that any country with nuclear weapons, of which the United States is one, can win battles. Still one always has to ask, who has won the war. Who has won the war depends on one’s core values. My core values tell me that nothing justifies my being a bully or otherwise mistreating others. My winning the “war” means that I hang on to my core values no matters what others do or do not do. As Bigger Thomas would say to those who would attempt to be one’s enemy, “Ain’t nothin you can do except kill me and that ain’t nothing.”

Those who posit that toughness is about the ability to bully or threaten with emotional or physical violence are, I believe, destined to win battles and lose the war.

Real toughness is the ability to hang on to unconditional love - to treat others as one wants to be treated – no matter what others do or do not do. Reacting or blaming other people, places or notions for one’s behavior involves giving away all one truly owns – one’s integrity.

Written May 12, 2018

Who shall lead the revolution?

5/11/2018

Who shall lead the revolution?

I was sitting in a professional workshop today having my brain tickled by community colleagues who excel in helping children and adults deal with such issues as adverse childhood experiences, addiction and chronic illnesses.

Once again, I am reminded of the courage it takes for children and adults to seek help in reclaiming themselves. In the process, health care professionals often reclaim themselves. Why do I think it takes courage? I think that we humans have long been looking outside of ourselves to either find or numb ourselves. Never before in the history of humans have there been so many options - power, sex, alcohol, other drugs, things, money, food, abuse of others – to avoid being with ourselves and, thus, reclaiming ourselves. Whether we are choosing a faster acting drug such as alcohol, some addictive “natural” or person made drug or a slower acting drug does not matter. Many societies, including here in the United States, have chosen to label and focus on addictions to alcohol, and other drugs, sex, and food. They have been labeled as “the addictions” and as dangerous to society. Yet, in the process of labeling these as “the addictions” and insisting that only those addiction need to be treated we have cleared the way for those in that group that work a spiritual recovery program to lead the revolution. When a group of people reclaim themselves, and do not substitute one addiction for another – one way of avoiding oneself for another – they became the leaders which will stand ready to guide others back to themselves.

Addiction to alcohol, other drugs, sex and food are, in many respects, symptoms of the spiritual illness of much of society. By labeling this group of people as the “sickies” of the culture and insisting they are the ones who need treatment we are opening the door for them to lead the spiritual revolution which all desperately long for even if many to not know what they want for need. As a group, those recovering from alcohol and other drug addiction spend more time on spiritual growth than any other group.

Those of us in the health care field need to keep helping this group of future leaders to heal. In the process, if we are paying attention, we may heal ourselves. This group may be the light which shows the way to reclaiming ourselves as a species.

Written May 10, 2018

Spiritual intention

5/10/2018

Spiritual intention

I begin each day asking myself what my spiritual intention is for that day.. My goal is to keep it as simple and attainable as possible. I remind myself not to indulge in such delusional thoughts that it is my responsibility to bring together the spiritual power necessary to bring about world peace by 8:00 a.m., to write a Nobel prizing blog which touches the heart of millions, or even to convince everyone I meet that, if we are to survive, we must change our relationships with the universe(s). All of those are lofty goals, but I am not sure that they have anything to do with being spiritually intentional.

My memory - not always accurate – tells me that the Buddist nun, Pema Chodron once suggested that a spiritual goal could be as simple as enjoying a cup of coffee – to be fully present with that cup of coffee. That in turn might lead one to be fully present to oneself and to others whose path intersects on any given day or in any given moment.

I know that when I am present with myself I can be quietly present with another person. Then I mah just sit on the porch devoid of any lofty thoughts or desires ready to receive whatever comes my way.

A famous folks singer, Arlo Gutherie recorded Alice’s Restaurant. Again, memory tells me that at one point he was just strumming the guitar while patiently waiting for what was to come next. That is my spiritual intention – to be open to what comes next and to refrain from labeling it as good or bad, right or wrong, welcomed or unwelcomed, ugly or pretty.

Sounds pretty simple. It is. Yet, my habit is to complicate it. I may start by taking my own inventory which is fine if I am just noticing. I am more likely indulging in self talk which is designed to puff myself up – for a moment – or to tear myself down. I know, of course, that the goal is to just notice, breathe, and hold myself in the cradle of loving kindness.

Some might think that surely by this stage of my life I would have practiced this enough for it to be a habit. Yet, the truth is that I still get off course and worry about all manner of things which are not that important spiritually. I must be gently and lovingly vigilant.

I smile. For this moment, I will do my best to be lovingly present without judging or labeling. Breathe. Let go. Breathe. Let go. Breath out negativity and the “need to control”. Breath in loving energy.

Written May 10, 2018

Saint or sinner?

5/9/2018

Who or what stole Jim?

I was talking with a friend who has been back in recovery for his disease of addiction for 19 days now. Yesterday morning he began the day very spiritually centered – grateful, humble, willing to learn and patient with self and others. By the time he got to work he was grumpy, judgmental, generally out of sorts and nothing like the man who had been so spiritually centered just an hour or so earlier.

This morning it was my turn. I began the day grateful and spiritually centered although a bit tired. Yet when something which was important to me happened over which I had no control Mr. Grump decided to make an appearance. As is often the case, I felt as if Mr. Grump was someone other than me. Yet, he seems to be speaking from a body which looked exactly like mine! At such times, it is as if I can stand outside of myself and observe this sudden kidnapping of my being. Fortunately, Mr. Grump did not do anything which required amends, but his tone of voice was far removed from the cheery, kind voice which had begun the day.

In my role as counselor I often have occasion to remind those clients for/with whom I am working:

None of us can be defined by our illness. We are not our illness whether that be depression, chronic pain, addiction, anxiety, eating disorder or some other.

None of us can be known, understood or defined by our worst deed. We are all more than that.

Many illnesses affect how one’s brain functions. Being lonely, hungry, tired, or filled with anger can also affect how one’s brain works. Depression, addiction, tiredness and other conditions/factors can acutely affect how one processes incoming stimuli or even if one is able to process that stimuli. When we cannot process incoming stimuli, we may experience what I call a New York style traffic jam in that part of our brain. Our first automatic reaction may be to push away stimuli with anger. Anger is a pushing away action. It would be lovely if one could simply say, “Excuse me, my brain seems unable to process incoming stimuli just now. I need to take a break but I promise to come back and deal with that issue later today (or whenever)”. Occasionally one might communicate a shorter, simpler version of needing a break. Yet, even that might not be possible. If the cause of the brain dysfunction is a tumor, addiction to alcohol or other drugs or even dementia then one simply cannot think clearly enough to respond lovingly.

Dementia, for example, might signal that the person that one has been all one’s life is gone much of the time. That is not to say that the dementia defines the person. It is to say that the physical body one is seeing is not the person who has formerly occupied that body.

No matter how often I work with/for those living with addiction or some form of mental illness I never cease to be amazed at what happens when the person begins to heal. Often this self-centered, angry, blaming person becomes this loving, charming, responsible person who is a delight.

Human have been separating each other by the “degree” of this sin or, as I like to say, their sin points for as long as history has been recorded. While I can accept that some ways of hurting others are more permanent and may affect more people, I seem unable to come up with what seems to be a scientifically sound method for deciding which one of us is the most hurtful or has the most sin points. I do accept that some of us might be more immediately dangerous and need to have our movement restricted. Yet, I know that daily I actively or passively hurt others. I am also, much of the time, a very loving, considerate, responsible person who is easy to love.

Am I the sinner or the saint? Will the real Jim Pickett please stand up!

Written May 9, 2018