​Opera time
 
I was not introduced to medium of opera until I was well into m my adult years.   As a small child, attending the opera or other cultural events such as the symphony were not in the budget or repertoire of my parents.  Perhaps that is not entirely accurate.   There was indeed music and there was the drama of everyday life. This drama was fueled by racism, sexism, and all the other isms which are such an integral part of the life of many of us humans.   Yet, the opera of daily life is not always accompanied by the practiced and refined musical notes or the amazing costumes and scenery which one will enjoy when opera is reduced to a few acts and scenes and which is being restricted to the stage.
 
I have often suggested to clients for whom I am working that they either tone down the opera or that we take a break and work on designing a more colorful and fun costume. In fact, I have been known to create very colorful handkerchiefs measuring one yard by one yard for those who have a propensity to operatize their life.     I do this with much love and in hopes of reminding myself as well as them that we can get through current life events with a little less drama.
 
Sadly, us humans seem particularly fond of getting through life events by creating a drama based the righteous indignation which can come from the decision to find someone to blame.  Once one has identified the person to blame – often the most vulnerable person in this circle of this drama- one can begin to design and built the set which will hold this new act in the opera.  
 
While it is true that often all of us humans consciously or unconsciously – intentionally or unintentionally – engage in behavior which might be thoughtless or even mean and vengeful, when one is looking for someone to blame it is as if one is shocked that another person is an imperfect human.   The truth often is that the imperfect human might not be the powerful person we are making them out to me.  They may indeed have done something which was stressful or hurtful in some manner to another person(s).   Yet, that person is not responsible for the drama which one may now be experiencing.   No matter what others do or do not do I have the ability to not feed the dramatic opera.   Just this week I have been chatting with a dear friend who has to face the  fact that that someone is preventing her from doing something which is very appropriate and would be comforting.  She has decided that since she may not be able to do action A she will plan on doing action B. She can and does have control over whether she does action B.   My friend could rant and curse the person who is standing in the way of action A – an action which would be “normal” and expected given the circumstances.   She has, in fact, had moments of frustration, but my friend is not fond of using her energy and time to be on the operatic stage with the person who is preventing action A.
 
Several families that I know are dealing with the very real and sad fact of having a family member who is dealing with a chronic illness.  Some of the family members have a tendency to take the illness of their family member personally and blame the ill person for not being further along in their healing journey or not being able to even choose to begin their healing journey.  Some other family member may, at times, blame other family members for causing the illness.
 
Sometimes we act as if we are a good person who obeys all or most of the rules for being considered a good person and should not have to deal with negative events or conditions.  Harold Kushner’s book When Bad Things Happen to Good People has sold millions of copies precisely because of this tendency of we humans to want to believe that we deserve to be rewarded for our good behavior.
 
Often we adults seem shocked that the world is unfair, unjust or just plain sucks.    We may teach our children that one does the next right thing because it is the next right thing and not because of some promised or expected reward.  Yet, there is a part of us which seems to still expect to be given the green sucker because we did the next right thing.   Now there is nothing wrong with the green sucker, but if one goes through life demanding that one be tangibly rewarded for doing the next right then, of course, one will eventually only do the next right thing because of the particular external reward.  Of course, being the stars of one’s own opera we will expect an elaborate ceremony with an elaborate set design, fabulous costumes and amazing music.
 
For today I will be more aware of my own expectations and my own tendency to want someone to blame when some person or situation does not behave in the way that I have choreographed in my head. I will also be more aware of my tendency to blame and create an operatic moment or hour or …
 
Written July 20, 2017
 

​Somebody now!   New beginnings
 
It was my first day as a Midshipman at the U. S. Naval Academy. I had arrived along with other former enlisted men (no women then accepted) to start my plebe summer.  Suddenly, “Attention.  You got sixty second to get into formation.  You are the sorriest bunch of plebes I have ever seen.  You are no longer lowly enlisted men. You are officers and gentlemen.  Start acting like it now.”
 
Well, so much for being special!   I meekly said, “yes sir.” “What?” my new best friend asks.  An even whimper reply came from me and my classmates.  
 
Thus, began the next stage of my life journey.  Over the next months I would discover how dumb, stupid, out of shape, and mentally deficient I was.   Just in case I forgot, there was always an upper classman to remind me.
 
I was having a terrible time accepting that such mistreatment could lead me to the exalted position of being an officer and a gentleman possessing the privilege of abusing the next class of plebes.
 
Wait! There was more to my education. There were weekend afternoon tea dances.  Young women who were appropriate for officers and gentlemen were imported from a nearby school to be paired up with one of us to dance while chaperones insured that we acted like officers and gentlemen.  Often, there was much shuffling in line if it appeared that one would be paired with a young female who clearly fit the label of a brick.  A brick was someone that clearly deserved the epitaph of ugly. 
 
The dress uniform was clearly enough to assure mothers who moved to Annapolis to ensure that their daughters could  be matched with an officer and a gentleman.  Clearly, only young women with the right looks and pedigree need apply.
 
My education in the habits and the values of an officer and a gentleman progressed. To be sure, it was expected that we would work hard on our studies, be painfully honest (in some areas of life),  learn to be disciplined in all areas of our lives, and learn that we as individuals, soon to be graduates of the United States Naval Academy, and as a country were far superior to others.  
 
Clearly I was not cut out to be an officer and a gentleman. Yet, this was another step in the education of this country boy. What did I learn?  One cannot judge a book by its cover?  The tension between what I had understood to the core message of Jesus and what I was learning about officers, gentlemen and what one should value was very great.  
 
Most of all I learned a lot about my own vulnerability to being puffed with false pride; of allowing the values of others to determine my worth.  
 
It turned out the new beginning was a new chapter in learning to trust values which made sense to me.  Even today, I may be able to pass as an officer and a gentleman, but I know!
 
493 words.
Written July 19, 2017
 
 

​The Wisdom of the Elder
 
At times, part of my professional responsibility and joy is to provide clinical supervision for my peers or for those in the process of applying to become a licensed professional counselor or a certified addiction counselor.  This morning I was completing some paperwork for a young woman who is an exceptionally talented, compassionate counselor. She works at  a treatment center for those in the process of reclaiming their lives after being hijacked by drug addictions.
 
This led me to thinking about my role both as a counselor and as a clinical supervisor.  The word that came to mind was elder.  Elder is a word which Merriam-Webster defines as:
 
1.    One living in an earlier period
2.    One who is older…an aged person.
3.    One having authority by virtue of age and experience –the village elders.
4.   Any of various officers of religious groups.
 
The young woman I have  been most recently clinically supervising  has earned the title elder.   One of the qualities I admire about this particular elder is that she is constantly opening herself to learning from others regardless of their age or other labels.  Whether a person is young, old, a client, a homeless person, or a person in a position of authority she can draw out the elder in them.
 
We are all, after all, both teachers and students. The old adage – the student is the teacher and the teacher is the student –is one which rings true for me on a daily basis.
 
The person officially labeled the student or the client may not yet be aware that they have something to teach.  Often, clients in the early stages of healing/recovery, may present themselves as merely serving the role  of bad example or what not to do.  Yet, often, in the humility of their attempt to reclaim themselves they often see with the freshness of a young child.  They are not burdened with the responsibility of elder. They “merely” have to share their relative innocence.  It is in the context of this innocence that they are free to offer a critical view of the counselor, therapist, other staff member or  other person in their circle of “we.”
 
A counselor or therapist who has been awarded the title, but who is unable to hear a critical viewpoint without retreating to their  assumed role of elder will often miss the opportunity to model what they are teaching -  to learn from this innocent, critical viewpoint.
 
As is true for all professionals, those coming to the counselor role with a master’s degree or PhD are not necessarily elders or teachers.  They may, no matter how chronologically old, yet have matured enough to be able to be comfortable being the student. They may feel as if they have been students in an academic setting for a long time and now have earned the right to be seen as elders.  Yet, it is precisely those who have no need to be seen as teachers or elders who are the true elders.   Children and those who are feeling particularly vulnerable because of a mental illness or a disease such an addiction will be quick to identify the faux elder. 
 
Once again, I am reminded of the paradox of being wise.  It is from not needing to be seen as wise and knowing one has a lot to learn that wisdom emerges and blossoms.  It is not the title of elder which reveals the elder.
 
Written July 18, 2017
 

​Choosing a life partner.  For today!
 
Friends of mine recently decided to get married next year.  As is true for many couples they have already been living together for several years.  They have determined that:
 

• Both have similar core values.
• Both respect their differences as well as their similarities.
• Both share the same religious/spiritual framework.
• Both want to be active co-parents.
• Both contribute to finances of their shared home.
• Both take responsibility for the maintenance, upkeep and remodeling projects of their home.
• Both believe that relationships – with each other, family of origin and friends – require and deserve a regular commitment of time and energy.
• Both value what each other brings to the relationship.
• Both have an identity and interests outside of their partnership. (They want the relationship but do not need it.)
• Both are financially stable and have a shared financial vision.
• Friends and family are comfortable with them individually and as a couple.
• They share effective, respectful conflict resolution skills.

 
Other friends of mine who seem to have a satisfying, loving, primary relationship have a smaller shared core, but the core the do share is very strong and central to their beliefs.  Each couple have to decide if there is enough a strong shared core to keep them together during the fun and easy times and the not so easy times.  
 
What I have not mentioned is anything about the sexual or affectionate aspects of the relationships.   Obviously, for some couples there is an initial shared chemical attraction to each other. For other couples the initial attraction might be more grounded in their strong shared intellectual and moral values.  They may say that they are each better because of the other person and feel fed when they are with each other.  Out of that deep respect might grow a deep, affectionate, even romantic love.
For many couples, no matter how strong the initial sexual and/or affectionate attraction, life quickly shows up leaving less and less time and energy for this aspect of the relationship.  By the time they have reached middle age one or both of them may have no libido or at best, a greatly reduced one.  Some of the  drugs currently on the market, such as Viagra might restore some functioning, but many seem to just give up on that aspect of the relationship.  Some are able to continue to have a very intimate, affectionate relationships.  Some get more distant.  Most, it would seem, do not talk much about these issues. This does not mean, however, that the deep loving bond that they have formed cannot continue as long as they actively nurture the relationship and each other.
 
As we are very aware, many couple will also get divorced. There are many reasons for this.  More couples are now living much longer than ever before.  Death used to more frequently mark the formal end of a relationship. Couples did not have to face that decisions.  Many couples also did not have the individual resources or the community support needed to separate and divorce.
 
All too often, one or both of the individual are not ready to face the life events with which they are faced.  Illness including addictions,  accidents, financial hardships, extended family issues, war, natural disasters, community changes such as those facing certain industries, and other life events all can test the strength of a relationship.  One or the other may take illness such as addiction or financial issues personally - as something which is being done to them and will not stay in the relationships.
 
Some individual say that they “simply” fall out of love and/or fall in love with someone else. This may or may not be a reflection of other issues that they couple has been unable or unwilling to face.
 
In short, I am reminded of the old adage about building one’s house on a firm foundation.  The house is much more likely to survive, but even that is not a guarantee.  Natural events such as storms of various types and over events can still destroy the house.  Careful planning likely will allow one to rebuild, but even that may not be enough.     The Bernie Madoff scam left many penniless.   Many marriages/partnerships did not have an enough of a base left to survive when this disaster struck. For other it was just a bump in the road.
 
Relationship have a life of their own. They need to be fed and watered on a daily basis.  Even then people change.  There may come a time when couples need to go their separate ways.  If there has been a solid foundation they will do so with the blessing of each other and not with revengeful hate.
 
Hopefully, we can teach our children by example to build the solid foundation which the young friends I described have done.  They will be fine even if at some point they find the relationship has reached a natural end. On the other hand, they may be like my friends who were married for nearly 70 years and were still excited about visiting with each other every day as they met after being active in their respective interests.
 
Written  July 17, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



 

​Grandma says:  “Walk a mile in their shoes.”
 
This wise reminder arrived from Grandma Fannie in many formats.  From the perspective of my seventh decade I now more fully understand why she (and many other teachers) were so persistent in their efforts to insure that we children understood the importance of this teaching.   I can think of just a few of the vessel of words in which the message was delivered:
 

• Judge not lest you be judged.
• Let the person who is without sin cast the first stone.
• The other person with whom you are angry mirrors what is going on with you.
• You have no idea what that person has been through.
• Have your seriously thought about what it would be like to experience X?
• You think you are better than Y.

 
I am not suggesting that any of us, including Grandma Fannie, ever reach that stage of development free of judgment of others.  While I may be less judgmental than I was 20 years ago or even one years ago, I daily notice that a judgmental thought suddenly visits my mind – often when I least expect it.  The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, has suggested in one of her teachings that one walk one block on a busy city sidewalk and just notice how often one judges others.  I have often done this and quickly notice I, who likes to think of myself as practicing being non-judgmental,  will, in my mind, make numerous judgmental comments, both positive and negative based on how people are dressed, how they carry themselves, and what I perceive to be their attitude.  I have no history with most of these people who are the subject of my judgments.  I have no idea of their joys, hardships, griefs, traumas, or other life experiences.  I have not walked in their shoes and do not have enough information to make any assumptions or judgments.  Yet, I readily do so.
 
Often if attending a 12-step lead meeting I hear individuals telling their stories of addiction and  recovery saying that at the height of their addiction they “found themselves” engaging in behavior which they swore they would never do. 
 
Many of us, if we are honest with ourselves, and live more than five minutes, “find ourselves” having a thought or engaging in a  behavior for which we have judged others.  We may hear ourselves saying, “How can they?  I would never do that.  Have they no sense of morals or shame?  Really!” 
 
I just texted someone that one of my challenging behavior is judging those I perceive to be judgmental.   As soon as I realize or notice that I am doing that I have to smile.  Obviously, I understand perfectly well how easy it is to “fall” into the practice of judging another.
 
As I have previously written, labels are a handy shortcut to encapsulate many of my judgmental thoughts.   When I apply a label to myself or others I am able to tell myself and other all they need to know to judge them:  Labels such as criminal, addict, whore, scholar, Muslin, Jew, Christian, Buddhist, black or person of color, wife, mother, father, convict, husband, student, teacher, Republican, Democrat, socialist, Russian, politician,  terrorist, etc.  One could make a very long list.   Obviously sometimes labels are helpful.. The problem is, of course, that a label tends to:
 

• Confuse the person with the label.
• Tell us all we think we need to know about the person.

 
I have had the good fortune to be in weekend retreats where a group of participants were invited to get to know each other while being blindfolded and instructed to not ask or share any information about one’s education, background, race, gender, sexual orientation, culture, religion, political affiliations, marital status, or profession/job.  At first, it seemed as if there was no way to begin a conversation.  Yet, by the end of the retreat, we had all discovered that we had much to share with each other. We also discovered that we had much in common.  We had all experienced the same range of emotions and dreams. We all wanted to be loved and respected. We all wanted to be able to provide for ourselves and our families. The specifics of our journeys might be different.   We had all made choices based in part on our life experiences.  We had all found that we were capable of saying and doing things that we swore we would never do – both positive and negative.
 
As with all of Grandma Fannie’s teachings, this one visits me on a regular basis.  I would like to be able to say that “I have this one down.  I never fail to be able to put myself in the shoes of the other.”  Sadly  or understandably I am not even close to achieving that goal. I am more aware of when I am judging others. I am better at just noticing when I am judging others and not even attempting to walk a mile in their shoes.  I am better at not judging myself for being judgmental, but I still need the daily and sometimes hourly reminder of Grandma Fannie:  “Walk a mile in their shoes.”
 
Thanks, Grandma Fannie.
 
 
Written July 17, 2017
 
 

​Sunday musings – July 16, 2017
 
The curtain of fog which covered this small part of the planet early this morning has lifted revealing a pastel blue sky with whispers of clouds.  Sitting here on my covered porch it would be easy to imagine that all is right with the world and, yet, I am acutely aware that reality for many here in the United States and other countries is loneliness, poverty, disease and all too often violence. Violence might emanate from another person, a drug, disease, or some other source. 
 
Yesterday I had a lovely and energizing visit with a friend and his wife who I have now known for many years.   We discussed our health and other issues which become central as we age. We also talked about such issues as our concept of justice, core values/identity, and empathy.   I treasure those times when I am safely challenged to think outside the tiny boxes which I have often picked up or borrowed without any consideration for the fact that principles or values which are going to dictate my behavior need to be carefully constructed and not chosen because they sound good, are easy or arrive in a brightly colored box.
 
This morning, while at the gym, I was listening to the weekly podcast, Ear Hustle,  from San Quintin Prison.  One of the topics of discussion in this morning’s conversation was nurturing; how inmates in San Quintin satisfy their need to nurture.   Not surprisingly, some do this by finding ways to “look out for each other”.  Others may take care of and nurture birds or even bugs.   Some such as the man who continues to listen to and guide his god children use the mail or phone.   Most interesting to me is that none of the three participating in this podcast (Earlonne Wood, Antwan Williams, both inmates, or Nigel Poor, a Bay Area artist), question the need for inmates to find something or someone to nurture.  They accept the need to nurture as a natural or innate human need. Some such as Rauch, another inmate, may find it difficult to trust closeness with humans, but this does not lessen his need to nurture.  Once again, I am reminded of the fact that no matter what crime for which inmates were convicted (guilty or not) labeling them as just criminals does not begin to encompass all that they are.
 
After listening to the podcast Ear Hustle, I listened to yet another report about addiction and shame. There is often the shame of the person who is addicted and the shame of the family member of the addicted person.  Sadly, many still have a very difficult time viewing addiction as an illness instead of a character defect or moral flaw.   It makes absolutely no sense to me that a person who is able to think clearly would choose to make their life and the life of all those who love them such a living nightmare.  I suppose that it makes sense that it is easier to view an addict as morally deficient because we then are able to convince ourselves that we could never become an addict. 
 
I was also recently told that I sometimes act in a way that does not feel comforting or kind.  If I am going to continue to grow emotionally and spiritually, I have to open myself to information which will help identify those behaviors or areas of thinking which are not what I intend them to be or what I tell myself I intend them to be.  It is easy for shame to sneak in and make it very uncomfortable for me to own my humanness which is a necessary step in my growth.
 
Again, having to revisit my “character defects” or more simply behaviors of mine which are not received as kind or comforting, thinking about our so-called system of justice which places many men and women in prison for many years, and the ongoing difficulty in accepting our human vulnerability to addictions and other chronic illnesses, especially those which may seem to present a choice,  brings me back to thinking about such concept as justice, empathy, and fairness.  What is the fair or just way to deal with someone who commits an illegal act, is unable to make a decision to get into recovery for addiction or has a behavior of any sort which causes discomfort to others?
 
While it is, true I am only responsible for my own behavior I am also a local, national, international and universal community member.  I am, for better or worse, a member of the body politic in some formal or informal manner.
 
I had even more blessings than challenges this week.  One of the blessings was my son’s response to knowing that he is going to lose his job because the company for which he works is moving the office to another part of the country. He is not able or willing to move.  He is handling this news by reminding himself that he has choices and that he can and will find another job.  This is a good reminder for me that I, too, make choices which often have both positive and negative consequences.   Other blessings were the time with my friend Molly and her boyfriend on Sunday and time with Paul on Monday.
 
As always the time working for/with those who seem to be seeking out a teacher reminds me that it is I who is always the student.
 
Everything told, it seems to me that it has been a week of again being fed in many ways. As is true with the flowers and other plants in my garden there are days when it seems as if I struggle to grow. I may even appear to take more than one step backwards, but then all seems to come together for a period of growth.  
 
 
Written - July 16, 2017
 
 
 
 

​History as a moving journey
 
This morning, Saturday, I was listening for the third time to this week’s podcast of On Being which is the conversation between host Krista Tippett and Rabbi Amichal Lau-Lavie entitled “First Aid for Spiritual Seekers”.   As almost always happens every time I listen or read something again I discover something I have missed. This morning I hear Rabbi Lau-Lavie use the phrase “holy, not literal” when referring to the stories which are told and retold in the Jewish tradition.   
 
Once again I was reminded, as I was when attending a 12-step lead meeting with some friends of mine, of the story as a living entity.  Lead meetings are meetings at which one person in recovery for addiction shares their story- their experience, strength and hope.   If one is lucky one can hear many new versions of the story as the person moves through the healing and growing process.
 
There are those who need to believe that the stories recorded in their holy books are literally true and contain the only possible version of “the truth” about who we are, how we are to behave and what it means to be a religious or holy person.  Thus, many religious bodies have a long list of rules which they tell themselves they have to obey in order to be pleasing to the God of their understanding.   Those that do not obey the rules exactly as they are written will face eternal damnation/punishment.     This is often the official version but, in fact, every religious body picks and chooses which stories and rules they decide must be taken literally.   One, for example would be hard pressed to find a religious institution which makes blood sacrifices or follows some of the other traditions or rules proscribed in the Old Testament.  
 
Some might question the purpose of repeating these stories in churches, temples and synagogues week after week if they are not literally true.   If, indeed, these same stories are told week after week, in order to imprint rules or more likely trigger guilt since most of us will be reminded that we broke many rules, the only value may be to serve the needs of the leaders of the institution.  On the other hand, if the stories are told as a way of reminding all of us that we are part of a tradition of seekers for the way we can journey together in the process of becoming the best we can be in learning to live in creative harmony with each other and the rest of the universe(s) then they are new and exciting each time we hear them.  When I hear, for example, someone reading from Isaiah 40 in the Old Testament, “Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.”  I am challenged to think about what this means with regards to health care in the United States and other countries; about what it means for the Israeli’s and Palestinians to find the road to becoming true, loving neighbors; what it means in terms of responding to those with drug addictions or those with power addictions.   When I read about King Solomon ordering the baby cut in half, how can I know what justice means for the person unable to consider the needs of others.
 
When I hear the lead story of someone in recovery for addiction, I hear a story of pain, courage, hope, strength and possibilities. The stories themselves are essentially the same. Addiction takes over someone’s life and they are then unable to consider the needs of others.  They sink to lows and new levels of pain they did not think possible.  If they are then “lucky” they find the road and the courage to follow that road to recovery- to reclaiming the sacredness of themselves and their journey.
 
It is the journey which is holy or sacred.  A story is just a story if one does not identify with it as part of the heritage of one’s sacred journey to face each day with love and courage within the context of the challenges of today.   One may not be wandering in the literal wilderness today.  On the other hand, one may be if  one is a refugee.  The wilderness in which one is wandering today may be the negativity and sense of hopelessness which one hears in many quarters.    The wilderness may be the crowded jails in which the community places the poor, the mentally ill, the addicted and those whose brains are not equipped to live in peace in the larger world. 
 
Each time one hears the stories of one’s heritage, whether in a history book, an academic setting, or in a so called holy book one is challenged to help write the next chapter in that history. Each time one hears the story one can choose to hear it with a new openness to possibilities.   Each time one tells their story it is a very different story. It may or may not contain some similar so called facts, but one’s understanding of those facts and what one needs to learn from this version of them changes.  While it may be true that each of us may have documents, which say we were born in a certain place on a certain date, graduated from various, very concrete schools on certainly dates, and got married and divorced on certain dates, who we were that was born, married, and graduated changes every time we tell the story. It is impossible for our history to be stagnant.  It is always an evolving, living, changing history.  
 
Our stories are holy to the extent that we imbue them with the challenge to stretch ourselves to find the kernels such as the search for justice and wrestle with the ways in which we can understand what justice might mean for today as we take our place in the community.
 
Written July 15, 2017

​Words as vessels 
 
It is Friday here in the Eastern Time Zone of the United States which means that this creature of habit (hopefully not always attachment) has been listening to this week’s podcast of On Being with host Krista Tippett .   Her conversation this week is with Rabbi Amicai Lau-Lavie who is the spiritual leader of Lab/Shul,  a “pop-up, everybody-friendly, artist-driven, God-optional” synagogue in New York City.   The Term pop-up refers to the fact that they do not have a permanent location and, thus, meet in various venues in New York City.
 
The terms used to identify this synagogue led by a duly ordained conservative Rabbi is both inclusive and exclusive meaning it attracts those who may not feel as if they fit well into a traditional synagogue or other religious organization and exclusive in that it may not attract many of those who fit into more traditional religious organizations. 
 
As usual, I urge the reader of this blog to listen to or read the transcript of the podcast.
 
For whatever reason, the stories and traditions of the Jewish religious have repeatedly come to my attention the past couple of weeks. Again, and again I am reminded that I come from a particular heritage of stories which have been passed down and retold for many generations.  Everyone is a descendant of stories meant to both ground one in the here and now and propel one forward in one’s search for meaning and connection.   The vessels for these stories are often words which may be comprised of sound, dance/vibrations,  touch or a drawing/painting. 
 
Many have said that we are our stories – the stories we inherit and which, when retold by us, become new as we add the layer of us.
 
There is the danger, of course, that we make the vessels of words the story which then, of course, creates an us-them closed vessel.   Even the words used to describe the synagogue led by Rabbi Lau-Lavie are in danger of pushing away. The phrase every-body friendly will seem to some so inclusive as to be incapable of holding any of the ancient or current stories.   After all, we can read in the Old Testament about the tribes or people of Israel as God’s chosen people.  We can think of the holocaust or other attempts to enclose these people in a vessel of Jewishness which has often been seen as a threat to those who were not Jewish. 
 
Once we have created a vessel it is easy to blame the vessel for one’s own human shortcomings.
 
Lab/Shul is an attempt to expand the “we” beyond the confines of any particular vessel although it originates out of the rich lineage into which Rabbi Lau-Lavie was born.  It is this tradition of the “I am” – Elohim that the ever expanding “we” can be nurtured.   During his conversation with Mrs. Tippett Rabi Lau-Lavie suggest that “we are starving for the sacred”.   It is out of the richness of his heritage and his openness to a growing understanding and appreciation for the “I am” that the ever expanding “we” can, I believe, emerge.
 
I have often written about the power of words.  Words so often limit and contain one in an isolated, lonely, us-them, defensive space.   Male implies not female.   Conservative in various cultures can imply limited or open.   Republican in the United States implies not Democrat or not libertarian or not socialist.   Wife implies not husband.   Rainbow implies not dark.  American often implies those who live in the United States.   Democracy implies the lack of class distinctions and yet ….  Jewish implies not Christian or not Muslim or …
 
The vessel of words can often mark those like us deserving of the title of sacred or they can mark those who are not like us or not deserving of the title of sacred.
 
It is interesting to me that the word “we” seems much more inclusive that the word “us”.  I think of the word “we” sitting in the center of this giant water lily which unfolds to lay nearly flat thus opening all the petals to form walkways.  I think of the word “us” as contained in a steel vessel with a very tiny hole at the top which is easily guarded so that “them” are not allowed entry and “us” cannot escape.
 
Today I resolve to be more mindful of the words I use which are barriers to the “we” which is “everybody-friendly, artist-driven, God-optional”.
 
Written July 14, 2017
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Correct Diagnosis?
 
My personal, professional experience, and community experience is that we often misdiagnose the problem and then spend time, energy and money attempting to solve the wrong problem.
 
For example, I just have responded to an email in the past hour which illustrate this issue.   A friend wanted to know how to help a friend who is considering suicide.   He is willing to get help but has no insurance and no money. His wife has cleaned out the bank account.  The presenting problem was that he has no money.  In fact, I am more than happy to see him for what he can afford which, at the moment is nothing.  Now the issue is whether he will accept this gift or if he will let his embarrassment about having no money determine what he does.  
 
Another person I know defines anxiety as the issue which is keeping them from moving on with their life.  I suggested that the issue is not the anxiety but his relationship with the anxiety. I have often written about how we can establish a healthier relationship with anxiety or other such conditions.
 
Often, when one has an addiction one blames other people, places, things, and events for their continuing use. The truth is that when one is ready to quit using, one will avail themselves of all the resources available to make that change.  The further truth is that the recovery process may be very emotionally and physically uncomfortable. If one has the habit of telling oneself that one cannot deal with the discomfort – that one is too fragile – than if one truly wants to quit using they will have to give themselves a more accurate message that they are not fragile.
 
Often lawmaker and others say that the problem with poor people is that they do not want to work, that they are lazy, and that even if they had money they would just waste it.  Thus, they may then recommend that one end “entitlement” programs and force people to be responsible.  Yet, when researchers have experimented with giving everyone in community a guaranteed income which is high enough to live decently, crime rates go down, people manage their money well and in all respects, everyone who is physically and emotionally able (sans acute mental illness) functions as productive, law abiding healthy individuals, partners, parents, and community members.   These experiments clearly show that the correct diagnosis is often poverty and not irresponsible users of other people.
 
This morning, while at the gym,  I was listening to a Ted Talk by neuroscientist Medhi Ordikhani-Seyedlar.  He is working on computer models which might be able to be used to treat ADD and those who have lost their ability to communicate.  He and his colleagues have been able to demonstrate and track how the person without ADHD processes incoming stimuli and how that differs for those with ADHD.    If two stimuli are shown to a person without ADHD, that person’s brain will automatically primarily focus on one of those stimuli whereas the person with ADHD does not have a brain function which selects a point of focus.  By understanding what is happening neuroscientists such as Dr.  Ordikhani-Seyedlar may be able to design computer programs to help train the brain of the person with ADHD to filter and focus.  By being able to test the functioning of the brain eventually we can more accurately diagnose conditions such as ADHD.   A child (or adult) who is dealing with emotional trauma or an unusually intelligent person might appear to have ADHD and be incorrectly diagnosed. When they do not respond to treatment they or their parents might be blamed when in fact the problem is the incorrect diagnosis.
 
I recall one case of a woman with a history of depression suddenly getting much worse.  She was finally hospitalized for acute depression. Both the woman and I kept saying that there was something else going on. This was not just clinical depression. The doctor got very angry at the woman and accused her of not wanting to get better.  Finally, after prodding from the family, the patient and they did further testing and discovered that she had fluid on the brain.  When a drainage tube was surgically installed her depression returned to its normal treatable level.
 
With another patient, it was discovered that he had a tumor hiding behind a bone which was putting pressure on part of the brain resulting in his presenting symptoms.
 
The Ted Talk once again reminded me that on a personal, professional and community level I must constantly stay open to the possibility that my initial diagnosis is incorrect.  Whether I am attempting to diagnose a client’s presenting symptoms, a mechanical problem, a computer issue or a relationship issues I want to remind myself that the most I can do is to make an educated guess.  With some issues, I can sometimes make reasonable educated guesses.  With other issues, which require knowledge or skills I do not possess I need to always be open to seeking help.  
 
Once again I am reminded that as a social scientist I need to remember to begin with the null hypothesis.   Ignoring, for the moment, academic arguments about different approaches to the use of the null hypothesis, I want to remind myself to begin with the assumption that there is no relationship between x symptoms and y diagnosis.  Careful research might, at times, then show that in fact there is not only a correlation between x and y but a direct link.  If, however, I start with the assumption that there is a direct link between x and y I am likely to look for evidence to support my assumption and ignores important evidence which does not support my assumption.
 
Written July 13, 2017
 
 

​The paradox of the us in enemy
This morning, while working out at the gym, I was listening to a Ted talk by Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks entitled, “How we can face the future without fear together.”   In this talk he suggests and discusses the proposition that “…the simplest way of safeguarding the future “you” is to strengthen the future “us” in three dimensions: the use of relationships, the use of identity and the use of responsibility.”
He goes on to suggest that it is only when we keep a firm hold on our story – our identity – that we can risk holding “out the hand of friendship to somebody whose class or creed or color are different than ours…”
While listening to his very eloquent talk which, to me, is, at one level, common sense, I found myself asking the following questions:

• How can Israel apply this proposition to their relationship with the people of Palestine?
• How can I apply this proposition to those in the United States with whom I passionately disagree?
• Is this the secret or the way to move forward in following the teaching of Jesus and other spiritual teachers to love our enemy?

Rabbi Sacks points out that observant Jews retell their story during Passover and other celebratory rituals.  It is an inclusive we story.  Theoretically, this help gives a people the confidence needed to invite others to help create a new chapter in their story.   He does not discuss how he would like to see this principle applied to resolving the conflict between Israel and Palestine or Israel or other nations in the Mid-east.  Yet I know that there are many incidences of small groups of Israeli and Palestinian people who do meet regularly with each other and find much common group.
In the United States, it seems as if both sides of the political divide are having a difficult time holding on to enough of an identity to be able to identify with a more inclusive us – an us which includes the other side.
I was talking to a recovering addict yesterday who has an older brother who is also an addict.  The person with whom I was talking had a difficult time accepting that he and his brother are awe.  The younger brother with whom I was talking was very judgmental of his brother.   In order for him to fully accept his brother as an equal who also struggles, there has to be enough of an acceptance of his own sacred humanness to allow that to happen.  The active addict is very involved with just surviving from one fix to the next. He/she does not have much, if any, of an identity outside of the addiction.  If I want to help the addict I need to be secure enough with/in my own story to accept that the addict and I are an us.  We have much in common. We both want to feel good about ourselves and to have a sense of belonging to a community/a tribe. As the addict accept that he/she is part of the us, then they can include others such as this young man’s brother.
Both side of the political divide in the United States have much in common, but both, at the current time, can easily fall into the trap of attempting to create a story rather than claiming a shared story.  That is, both sides are members of a nation which has a rich history of an idea of a more just community. The reality of the shared history has always fallen short of the ideal.  When we lose sight of or do not claim and reclaim this shared story we end up as small groups of individuals who have nothing in common with each other. The us are very tiny and very exclusionary.  If each side, then labels those who are not us as “them” then they are enemies and there is no chance of coming together to form a larger us which can jointly write another chapter in the story of the ideal which is this nation.
When Jesus and other spiritual teachers suggests that one love one’s enemy they are suggesting that we find the us in “them”.  When the disciples want to stone the prostitute Jesus says “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” thus reminding them that us humans have a shared story of stumbling, fumbling our way through this life journey. 
 
If I want to be more a part of the solution and not just a part of the problem, then I have to claim the shared story of which I am a part.  When I, for example, fly the United States flag on my flagpole I am affirming that the story of this nation in all its imperfections and achievements is my story. It is also the story of all those with whom I disagree politically and those who may, on the surface, appear to be “the other”. It is as the resultant “us” that we can feel confident in inviting others to share the next chapter in our story.
I am grateful to Rabbi Sacks for this powerful reminder that we are all part of an us.
 
Written July 12, 2017