​Blessings of our hearts
 
I have just come from meeting with courageous individuals who are in treatment to learn how to reclaim their lives from the ravages of addiction. Some did not decide to come to treatment until they were faced with jail, loss of children or other negative consequences. Some knew that life would keep getting worse and did not want to wait for the next crisis. Some, despite the addiction, wanted to be better partners/spouses and parents. Some want to keep family members or legal officials off their backs for a moment.  No matter what got them there, statistically in terms of long term recovery, it does not seem to make a difference how they got there.   Research reports that I have read suggest that folks who are forced by circumstances such as legal issues into treatment do just as well as those who are able to decide for themselves when they are ready. 
 
Some of those in the treatment program are in the residential program for up to three months. Some are in the outpatient program and living outside the facility.  A few of those are able to maintain a job while they are in treatment.
 
All of them have to make an enormous commitment of time, energy, and money.  The money may come from some sort of insurance or it could, in a few cases come from family members. Most individuals and families cannot afford to pay themselves.
 
Some have been in other treatment programs, but missed getting some essential piece or tool they still need to keep active addiction at bay.
 
Some are as young as teenagers and some are in their fifties or older.  
 
For a variety of reasons there tends to be few people of color although the need is great in that segment of the population. Yet it is true that statistically there are relatively few people of color in this community.
 
The goal of the program is for them to learn how to help each other claim or reclaim a life of which they can be proud. This particular treatment program is based on the 12-step recovery model.  They staff expect participants to begin to work a 12 step recovery  program – meetings, sponsor, steps.
 
This morning I challenged the folks in the recovery program to identify the ways in which they are blessed and the ways in which they are or can be a blessing to others.  This is consistent with the 12 step program’s emphasis on gratitude and being a “we” program – one addict helping another.
 
Few of us have the opportunity to take up to three months to explore who we are and who we want to be as partners, parents, siblings, sons, daughters, community members and citizens.   In that respect the addiction becomes a blessing or one might say an opportunity.   Many of us who are “successful” in terms of money, power, job status or in other “acceptable ways” may find out much too late that we have allowed life just to happen   Many of us, men and women, but particularly, it seems, we men will find out much too late that we have led our lives with our mind and not our hearts or a balance of the two.  Although we may believe that we are doing all we do for the family, the family often does not get a vote in deciding if they want our money or our heart or which they want to be primary. Obviously, a certain amount of money is helpful. Personally I am grateful to have a home, car, and other basics.  I am also grateful that I have time and energy to be present for family members, other friends and my own emotional and spiritual health.
 
When we know that we are going to leave an imprint on all that we do and with all those we touch, however lightly, we have the blessing of being intentional about the nature of that input.
 
I am blessed to work for/with people who challenge me to be intentional about the imprint that I am leaving – about the blessings I have the opportunity to leave in each step of this journey.
 
Written July 11, 2017
 
 
 

​Grandma says:   No pain, no gain.
 
The irony is that I had finished writing this blog and was attempting to post it when there seemed to be a malfunction on the web page.  I saved the document and restarted the computer.  When I attempted to reopen the document, I got a message that the document was corrupted.  The attempt to repair and retrieve it did not, for some reason, work. Thus, I now have the option of dealing with the frustration and discomfort of rewriting it or just not posting a blog today.  I am choosing to rewrite it. 
 
Despite my admiration and trust of Grandma Fannie, there were times when it seems to me, as child, that her primary joy was to see me suffer.   Such was the case when I heard her repeat this bit of advice to me, my siblings or another child:  “No pain, no gain.”   It simply did not make any sense to me that there was somehow a benefit to suffering.  Yet, try as I might to convince my grandmother that it would be much more efficient and easier for her to just do my homework or other task, she would remind me, “No pain, no gain.”
 
In the later part of my adolescence I dealt with many uncomfortable situations by doing what I thought would please or even, perhaps, impress others.  Since it was often uncomfortable to do something which was not was I thought I wanted to do or which was not consistent with my values, I applied the maxim of my grandmother, “no pain, no gain”. I thought that this was what she meant for me to learn.   It was only later that I realized that she did not intend for me to avoid the discomfort of displeasing others or saying no to the bully by engaging in an action which was uncomfortable because it violated my goals or values.
 
By the time I was approaching adulthood – at least in chronological terms – I was beginning to accept that nearly all change in all major areas of my life was uncomfortable.   I did not yet fully understand or accept the wisdom of the pre-Socratic philosopher, Heraclitus.  “You cannot step into the same river twice.”   It would still take some time for me to accept that I could either go forwards or backwards but I could never “play safe” by standing still.  As I reached my mid-twenties I was beginning to accept that I could either face the discomfort or pain of trusting what the Danish theologian and philosopher Soren Kierkegaard said about the need, at times, “to take a leap of faith” or I could live a life of quickly accumulating regrets or “if only”.
 
It was a yoga teacher that first allowed me to apply what I had long applied to some physical activities to all areas of growth – emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual. She suggested that we use the yoga principle of challenging ourselves and not straining ourselves.  There would still be a level of discomfort involved, but I knew that if biking up a hill I could probably make it to the next tree or another marker.  If, however, my goal was the top of the hill or what seemed like a mountain, I would feel overwhelmed or push myself too hard to fast. In all activities I could manage one step at a time.
 
Just the other day I heard a runner talk about what the running shoe salesperson had told her, “The blessing is outside your comfort zone.”.     This is another version of what Grandma Fannie was attempting to teach me and other young people.
 
Grandma Fannie was the consummate role model.   She must have been exhausted when she sat down to read, write or otherwise do her spiritual and intellectual chores after working on the farm all day.  Yet, she did not give herself the choice of not doing these chores.  It could not have been easy for her to tell my grandfather that she was going to file for divorce even if she did later remarry him.  It could not have been easy for she and my grandfather to travel to Oklahoma and claim land under the Land Claims Settlement Act.   Burying her only child long before it was time to end her life journey had to be painful beyond measure.  Yet, she and her sisters were early pioneers in proving that one could shed the myths of sexism and just keep doing the next right thing no matter how painful or uncomfortable.
 
Looking back from the vantage point of my seventh decade I cannot think of one example of a major, positive change in my life which did not involve some level of discomfort. Whether it was a physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual discomfort/pain each time there was a part of me which wanted to find an easier, softer way. Yet, there was Grandma Fannie, sitting on my shoulder or in her chair in some spot on my brain, reminding me “No pain, no gain.”
 
 
Written July 10, 2017

​Sunday Musings -  July 9, 2017
 
This week included the G-20 meeting in Germany, the 4th of July in the United States, lots of “news” stories which contradict each other, addiction, the Wheeling Symphony, and many moments of friendship.    When I sat down to write these were some of the headlines which appeared in center of my brain. 
 
On the surface one might think that most of us humans have goals and life journeys which are very different.  Certainly, if one pays attention to the stories which grabs the headlines or stand out when as we move about, there are vast differences between us.   The world leaders which gathered in Germany at the G20 seem to have little in common with many of those demonstrating in Hamburg while the leaders met.  It would also seem as if the voting on world issues at the summit places the United States against all the other 19 participants. 
 
The world leaders also seemed to have little in common with the members of the Wheeling Symphony and all the other Symphonies which played on July 4th.    Despite the large crowds that gathered to sing the national anthem, listen to other music and later watch the fireworks, it seems as if the partisan divide on health care, education, the environment and many other issues is just as strong if not stronger than it was during the recent presidential election campaign in the United States.
 
This morning while working out at the gym I listened to the third podcast from the San Quintin prison – Ear Hustle.  As I listened to men who happen to be inmates at this prison tell their stories – stories which included murder and other acts of violence – I was again reminded that when we exclude people from the larger culture they will choose or stumble on methods to live with this disconnect. These methods may include:
 

• Do anything one can to become a member of the dominant culture.   This may mean achieving academically and becoming or trying to become a respected member of the larger community which may or may not signify acceptance.
• Find an alternate group to join.  This may be a radical religious group, a group such as The Alt Right, a terrorist group or street gang.
• Escape to a remote place to live out one’s life.
• Explore way to physically and psychologically block the pain, i.e. alcohol or other drugs. This method may also gain one entrance to a particular group or segment of society.
• Use whatever means possible to attain the symbols of success in the larger culture, i.e. power, mansions, things.

 
The bottom line is that, with some exceptions, us humans have an enormous need to belong – to be a part of – and will find a way to be a part of some group and/or cause.  The irony is that we have known this for a very long time and, yet, society as a whole continues to look at and respond to the symptoms of the issues rather than the core needs which individuals and then group members are attempting to meet.  Every day in the United States (and other countries) we tell thousands and eventually millions of people that in fact they will not be accepted by the larger society.  Yet we put them in prison, ghettos, economic isolation (often for many years),  treat them as less then and expect them to morph into our neighbors.  Sometimes in spite of the treatment they have an epiphanal experience and are able to choose another path.  Often they are not able to do this.  All too often treating the symptoms just reinforces the beliefs that led to the original choices they made. 
 
That percentage of us humans who gain temporary self-esteem by walking on the backs, heart and souls of others create our own adversaries – our own “us them” play.  Then when we the folks we trample on do not act like they belong or cannot join our group we use that as an excuse to continue our “us them” play.  We call this a self-fulfilling prophesy. 
 
We are one very diverse family with a variety of talents and abilities.  All of our talents and abilities are equally valuable and necessary.
 
I recall when my friend Nancy Sturm was directing the Challenger Learning Center at Wheeling Jesuit University.   Some of the school children would be assigned the job of planning a space mission and then another team would carry out the mission.   One of the principles on which the educational experience was built was that all of the jobs were equally important. No matter what the job, the race, gender, size, sexual orientation or cultural background of the person doing the job each job was unimportant.   Everyone belonged!
 
I often make reference to my understanding of the term humility. To me, humility requires an acceptance of my own sacredness and an acceptance of the sacredness of every other human.  In fact, no only other humans but all pieces with make up the universe(s).
 
Today I want to remind myself that I am not and do not need to be better than, more than, larger then, or in any way different to earn my place at the human table.  It seems to be that as I begin another week I can focus on our basic similarities as humans and not on the superficial attributes or characteristics - the costumes – which mask the core of who we are.  Despite the limitations of the thinking about race, gender and other issues of those who drafted the Declaration of Independence, the words themselves affirm that we one.
 
 
Written July 9, 2017

Ask a child
 
Most of my readers know that I have this insatiable desire to learn.  My interests range from cooking, physics, music, social interactions to spirituality.  Obviously, none of these are mutually exclusive.  
 
I love to read books – particularly those I can hold in my hand - but I have also over the past decade or so learned to appreciate the medium of podcasts which I can download to my phone, thus making them accessible while I am working out at the gym or doing other tasks which may not require a lot of my mental attention.  My current schedule includes listening to the podcast of On Being on Fridays and The Moth Radio Hour on Saturday. Other mornings I listen to Ted Talks or a variety other podcasts or audio recordings I have downloaded to my phone.
 
Since it is Saturday, this morning I listened to the July 4, 2017 podcast of The Moth Radio Hour, the title of which was “Gestures Great and Small”.  For those not familiar with The Moth Radio Hour, the basic format is for various guests to share a memorable story to a live audience which is then also available to the larger radio/podcast audience.   The July 4th podcasts, as the title suggested were speakers who reminded the listener that, at times, the seemingly smallest gestures of sharing can make a huge difference in the life of one or many people.  One of the stories is told by Tom who, as child of Middle Eastern parents, told his mom that when he and his siblings took the lunch his mother lovingly prepared for them to take to school, the other kids made fun of their food choices.  His mother then prepared traditional Middle Eastern dishes and took them to share with their classmates. She did this rather than asking the school principal or teacher to intervene.  Thereafter, the other children had more appreciation for the culture and food of Tom and his siblings. Another of the stories was about the quilts which the Pelham, NY Quilt Project 2001 created and gave to the family members of those killed in the 9/11 attack on the Twin Towers.  The storyteller who was teacher was unsure that a quilt from strangers would be welcome by the family members who has lost someone.  When she asked her young students what they thoughts of the idea, the young children quickly reminded her that one could hide or shut out the rest of the world for a bit under a quilt or just wrap oneself up in it.    Of course, as a teacher she was not surprised that her young students understood what she was making way too complicated.
 
I have the habit of suggesting to clients (or to myself) that one use language which a 4 or 5-year-old child could understand. Often if we allow ourselves to do this we will find that the problem or issue is simple and the solution for which we are looking is equally as simple. 
 
Although healthy children (without neurological issues) might not be able to give a lecture using complicated mathematical formulas or explain the coursework presented in the MBA program at the Wharton Business School of Penn State University, they know that:

• Hugs feel good.
• Sometimes one needs to hide under a blanket or a tent.
• Meanness does not feel good or creates warmth or intimacy.
• One can have different, seemingly contrasting feelings in the space of ten minutes. All of the feelings are valid but do not determine the long-term strength of a loving relationship. Thus, a child might say “I hate you.”  and a minute later declare that “You are my bestest friend.”
• One has to be taught to hate.
• Hating is stupid.
• Good food taste good or not!
• It is good to be us.
• The world is meant to be explored, tasted, smelled, listened to, and felt.
• Whether or not adults are honestly open and available or only pretending.

 
Of course, they know much more.  They do, of course,  have to learn that fire can bring warmth and danger; that guns and other weapons can kill, and why one uses money and cannot just barter or take what one needs.
 
Often it seems that we come into this life journey knowing a lot, quickly unlearn what we know or at least begin to question what makes sense and then, if lucky, in the last third of one’s life (sooner for some and never for others) get help in going back to trusting what one already knew as a very young child.
 
I love the reminders to “keep it simple stupid”; to do what feels loving and “right”; to reclaim and trust those wise parts of ourselves which we unwittingly gave away in our attempt to fit in, be liked or be admired.
 
 
Written July 8, 2017
 

​Full disclosure – “I shop at Ikea.”
 
As all of my readers know, this spiritual journey in a step by step process of opening to new levels of truth about one’s humanness and letting go of any shame or embarrassment about being oneself.
 
The other day I was reading a novel and, once, again, I ran across a passage that described someone’s home as one decorated with Ikea furniture or Ikea like furniture.   When such a comment is uttered by a character in a novel, it seems to me that 99% of the time it is uttered as a symptom of one’s relative lack of money or taste.  In fact, it is often uttered as a symptom of one’s relative lack of importance in the community of humans.   This is quite interesting to me.  I was just at Ikea in Pittsburgh the other day. The parking lot was full as was the store.  It appeared that there were many families shopping for college apartments or dorm rooms as well as couples and families shopping for their own home.    While it is true that I did not see, anyone accompanied by chauffeurs, man servants or personal assistants, I did not think of them as poor or somehow less than because they could not afford   to shop at a store which sold high priced heirloom furniture or were choosing not to do so.    
 
Personally, I was very pleased to be able to afford their popular standard living room chairs for $49.00 each.  I was thrilled to get home, assemble the chairs and place them in my living room.  Because I have chosen to move a lot in my adult life I have frequently sold and then bought new furniture.  Frequently much of what I purchase I get from the thrift stores, garage sales or consignment stores.    I have never felt the need to “invest” in furniture that will impress a certain group of people or which I can pass along to a son who also is not attached to possessions.
 
I am also very aware that I have and continue to choose to see many clients for what they can afford or for nothing.  I feel blessed to be able to do this.   If I am less than wealthy or not included in the higher end of middle class it is by choice which is much different than being poor because of factors over which one has no control.
 
I also have to admit that I love my home.  Everyone who visits finds it a comfortable, safe place to be.   In my home are many reminders of friendships I have enjoyed over the years – artwork, and other mementoes of those friendships. Yet, when I read a disparaging comment about those homes furnished in Ikea or Ikea like furniture I am aware of some very small part of me feeling a little less than or shameful.   Fortunately, I am then able to laugh very quickly because I am aware of what is happening.
 
This example is a reminder to me that every day all of us take in hundreds and perhaps more messages a day about what makes us worthwhile or important.   All advertisements which visit us from flyers, mailings, billboards, magazines radio, television, the internet aps or other sources carry an implicit or explicit message about what will make us more desirable, worthwhile, sexy, wealthy, or acceptable in some ways.  Even very reputable medical journals which often rely on ads, including ads from pharmaceutical companies, suggest that if one takes a certain medication, one or one’s life will look like that pictured in the ad.
 
I have often cut out ads from 100 different magazines or taken clips from video/film ads and asked workshop participants to tell me how many they can identify with.  A high score may be 2 or 3 out of 200.  That means one fails to identify 197 or 198 times in that exercise.  Failing means that one did not measure up to what is portrayed.  One’s life or personhood does not look like what is portrayed.  At a very, often unconscious, level we have logged and stored this failing message.   If this happens many times day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year it is easy to begin to internalize values which are far different than the core values which, at one time, we had carefully though about and adopted.
 
One can attempt to limit the messages one takes in via ads plus the messages one takes in from one’s boss or others in the community, but unless we are living in a very remote place by oneself with no connection to other humans, it is impossible to avoid all the messages about what gives one worth or importance.
One can, however, be very intentional about the messages one daily gives oneself and choose to spend time with people and at events where one is valued for just being oneself.  I am not suggesting that one only take in opinions or views which just reinforces what one already believes. We need to be challenged to think outside the box of our opinions and values.  At the same time, we need to ensure that we do not unconsciously adopt values which define worth in terms of where we shop, what kind of car we drive, whether one has expensive garments or owns the latest version of some gadget. 
 
Personally, I need to daily set aside time to remind myself of my core values, how I have come to accept or adopt those values and whether they still make sense to me.  I also value the imput of authors I choose to read, friends and colleagues as well finding ways to connect with teachers I respect and who will challenge me to grow.
 
I am not suggesting that Ikea or very expensive furniture tells me anything important about others. I am suggesting that I know myself well enough that I need to be very vigilant about challenging myself and not allow others who have the goal of selling me something to determine the basis of my worth or the worth of others.  I suspect that all of us need to be very vigilant about the basis of our self worth.
 
Written July 7, 2017

​“May not be suitable for children.”
 
Frequently there will be a news story about a current event, book, or play which is being discussed on a radio or television program which is preceded by the announcement that the content may not be suitable for children.  Usually, the content in question has something about sexual practice or activity or about violence.  It is assumed that adults need to protect children from knowing or hearing about sexual material or material. We, as a society, do not, however, think that children need to be protected from the fact that we, as a society, use sexually suggestive (often much more than suggestive) material to sell everything from cars to medications.   The news is filled with the latest statistics of how many were killed in a terrorist incident, a random mass murder, or a war battle. Many video games and movie contain pretend violence.
 
The truth is we may attempt to shield some of our children from some of the violence and from some sexual content, but there is no way, unless one lives in a very restricted intentional community without any sort of internet access, that we can keep children in a bubble.  I wonder if the problem is that children are exposed to sexual and violent content or that they are exposed to such information without any discussion of how to think about and make decisions about sexual and violent behavior. 
 
When I was growing up we did not have electricity and, thus, did not have much access to radio, no television and the only books were those found in our home or in the home of Grandma Fannie or another relative.  We could certainly hear our parents having sexual activity, observe farm animals having sex, and even at the regional, backwoods country school we attended have access to little “dirty books” depicting cartoon like characters in various forms of sexual play.  I have no idea of how these little books found their way into the hands of my classmates, but they did. 
We were regularly exposed to the killing of chickens, pigs, cows, rabbis and squirrels for food or the killing of predators. We knew that Uncle Rusty (not his real name) had what was then euphemistically called shell shock (the term post-traumatic stress disorder) and engaged in behavior which was tolerated only in those with some sort of disorder.  We “knew” that families had lost sons and daughters in various wars or conflicts and we knew that some people did bad things to others and some of them went to jail.
 
We did not talk about:
 

• How making love was different than having sex.
• Forced sex by an adult or a peer.
• What one was supposed to do with “those feelings” and why playing with oneself was wrong (I did not learn the word masturbation until I was in the military.)
• The fact that shell shock involved profound grief over what one had seen and experienced – no way to integrate the experiences.
• What made some persons do bad things?  Some just said some people are just bad.
• Why some violence was okay (especially by adults). and other violence was not okay.
• That in war one killed people just like oneself.
• That people could not be easily divided into good people and bad people although one learned in church that all are sinners.   (Apparently, some were more so than others.)

 
We know some things about children:
 

• If one is paying attention children will only take in as much information as they are ready to hear.  If we try to tell them more than they are willing or able to hear at this time they will always let one know (assuming a safe environment).
• Young children are very comfortable with their bodies unless or until they learn to feel ashamed of them.
• Children are naturally very curious and will ask about what they do not understand it they know it is safe to do so. For example, one of the program to which I was recently listening and which the announcer said might not be fit for children, described a combat injury which involved getting shot in the groin and bleeding out before they would get him from the combat area to the hospital.  I could imagine a child ask about the groin area. The child might even then ask, “Did he lose his thing?” Then the child might ask why people do this to each other. There will always come a point in the conversation when the child has heard enough for now and will either change the subject or directly tell the adult “That’s all.”
• Children quickly grow up to be adults.  At 18 many will join the military without any real preparation for the affect it will have on them short and long term.
• Many of our children are sexually active when still very young.
• Alcohol and other drug abuse, forced sex, bullying and the celebration of violence are very prevalent among our youth and many adults.
• Church attendance is way down and even though church attendance did not and does not insure an opportunity to adopt a set of core value it was one place where the subject of values might be addressed.  For many nothing has replaced the church.
• There are some children who are going to find the information they need to be thoughtful, emotionally and spiritually healthy adults no matter what we adults do or do not do.  Sadly, this is not the majority.

 
In short I am not sure that “Some content might not be appropriate for children.”  is in and of itself appropriate or helpful.  Children need to learn how to thoughtful, caring and responsible adults.  Obviously, when we do not learn this as children we do not automatically learn this as adults.   I have attended museum exhibits such as the Photographic History of Lynching which included places to write, discuss, ask questions, or otherwise get help with understanding and learning how to deal with this history which continues to affect how we act and think today.  Children and their families were encouraged to attend the exhibit.  It was expected that children and adults might have many questions and feelings related to the exhibit.      I recall spending considerable time just observing children and the adults with them.  Most had very thoughtful comments and questions.  They were not harmed by attending this exhibit. Quite the contrary, they were, I believe, better off for learning this history, as sad it as it is.
 
We can trust children.  We can trust ourselves, as adults, to again learn to be as thoughtful, curious and open as children with content containing violent and sexual content.
 
Written July 5, 2017
 
 

​Free to love –  War and Independence Day in the USA
 
My feelings about the July 4th Independence Day are very mixed, but then, as most of my friends would say, I tend to have a variety of thoughts and feelings about many subjects.
 
Certainly, I am grateful to be living in a country where there is relative freedom to speak my truth and live my life as a gay man.  I am also grateful that, today, I am living in relatively luxury compared to many others in the United States and other countries.  In fact, as I have recently written, my list of blessings is very long.
 
Still, I am mindful that this country of immigrants was formed with little concern for those who were already living here.  I am also mindful of the fact that the United States has a level of violence and attachment to guns which can be compared to many nations actively engaged in a civil war.
 
Furthermore, I am mindful that a great many citizens of these United States and some not full citizens are engaged in war related activities in many other countries. 
 
I have known for some times that many of us join the military service for a variety of reasons.  Some, as was true for me, gave little thought to joining.  It was simply what one did if one did not have the money to go to college or was not expected to work on the family farm or in another family enterprise.   Some joined because they wanted to show what they were made up – what it means to be a man or a woman of courage.  Some feel a sense of patriotism and believe that their country is fighting on the side of what is moral and just.  Still others hope that the structure of the military will help them overcome personal demons, such as addiction.  Some know that, if they live, they will learn a skill that they cannot afford to acquire outside of the military.
 
Some percentage of those who join the military will experience the excitement, fear, anxiety, exhaustion, frustration, and acute grief associated with combat.   As one person told the writer, filmmaker, and journalist Sebastian Junger, “In combat you are guaranteed to lose brothers.”  Once one has lost brothers (and sisters) one has truly tasted combat.
 
There is another facet to the experience of combat which has been observed by and perhaps experienced by those serving with others in a combat area.   Tim Heatherington, a “brother” and a journalist colleague who was in combat situations with Sebastian Junger (see the film Restrepo by Sebastian and Tim or read the book The Perfect Storm by Sebastian) observed what others such thoughtful journalists and have observed: “War is the only situation where men are free to love each other unreservedly without it being mistaken for something else.”  Although times are changing and in the United States, Ireland, Britain and a number of other countries, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are no longer jailed (or worse) as they still are in many countries, in the general population men loving each other is still suspect and often sexualized.  Yet, as Mr.  Heatherington, Gloria Emerson, Phillip Caputo and others have observed If one is doing something as courageous (manly or womanly) as engaging in combat no one will question one’s right to love and no one will assume that it is a sexual love.   Actually, as some have observed a similar license to given to those who play certain sports such as football, hockey, possibly baseball in some case, wrestling, and boxing.  I am not sure the same license is given to those engaging in the game of tennis. Obviously, there are also cultural differences. In some countries, it has been permissible for two heterosexual men to kiss, hug and hold hands, but here in the United States that behavior has been suspect as not being manly and then quickly sexualized.  Although the prohibition against lesbians has been just as clear, women have generally been given more latitude in expressing love for each other. (One is also given more license if drunk or thought to be drunk.) 
Sebastian Junger who grew up in a well-off suburb and was a writer did not feel as if he has passed the manhood test before going into combat as a journalist.  He no longer feels a need to prove his manhood in that way. Hopefully, he no longer feels a need to prove his manhood in any way.
 
War, as I have said is exciting, frightening, exhausting, traumatic, dangerous, sad and much more.   It is interesting that many of the drug addicts who use a variety of street drugs (as opposed to alcohol) report a similar range of feeling about their using days.  In many respects the drug culture on the streets is combat, albeit with a purpose that may be considerably less honorable than war. Many drug addicts in recovery miss the excitement of their dangerous life of active addiction. It may seem like an oxymoron to say that one feels alive when “finding ways and means” to get more drugs to numb oneself out but it is not.
 
I suspect that most of us humans long to be a part of – to be connected in an intense way with others.   Sexual contact certainly allows that for a brief instant at some level (sometimes by connecting physically without connecting emotionally).  Certainly, combat allows one to push past the fear of what others might think and love as intensely as we are able to love – as intensely as we need to love.
 
The question is whether we can find or allow ourselves to intensely connect as a community of men and women without resorting to war, dangerous sports which leave a legacy of brain injuries, and without the fear of sexualizing.  (I am not suggesting that we can ever have intense relationship which are without any sexual component or that we need to do so.) Close contact is not, however, going to alter our basic sexual orientation.   Obviously, we take the sexual part of ourselves to all relationships but we do not usually experience genital arousal by most physical contact. If we are aware of the mammary glands of the woman with whom we are sharing a hug it does not mean, we are getting aroused genitally.   Likewise, if we engage in a non-A frame hug with a male and are aware of his genitals it does not mean that one is wanting a genital arousal moment!
 
I believe that it is safe to love each other and work together to create a more equal, sharing, just world - a world of intense loving – while claiming our manhood and womanhood.  I believe we can do this outside of combat and professional sports.
 
Happy July 4th – Independence Day in the United States
 
Happy July 4th and an offer to share this land with the Native Tribes, the immigrants who have been here for generations and the newer immigrants.
 
Written July 4, 2017
 

​Grandma says: “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop
 
Grandma Fannie was clearly aware of the propensity of us humans – children and adults – to allow emotions, including such ones as resentments, anger, and envy,  to make our decisions. I never had the courage or even the foresight to ask her how she had arrived at this wisdom.  Perhaps it was just by reading historical accounts of how easily us humans look to people, places and things to puff ourselves up.  Perhaps it was purely through observation of “other” people.  Perhaps, it was all that time she spent in prayer, writing and reading during when she was challenged to come face to face with her own humanness.  At any rate, as a young child, it sometimes seemed as if Grandma Fannie did not appreciate the value of play – both physical play and playful activity of the mind when one opens to new possibilities.  I thought she saw play as an example of an idle mind.
 
I am not sure that Grandma Fannie would see the constant tweeting, Facebooking, snap chatting, and instant gramming as the opposite of an idle mind.   She might “mistake” many of these postings as prime examples of the print version (words and photographs) of the idle mind.   To give her credit, she would certainly have given credit for those who past copies of blogs or other examples of very intentional thoughts or ponderings on social media.
 
It was clear that, political arguments aside (as opposed to political debates) Grandma Fannie was convinced that a mind guided by one’s core moral values was a miracle to be treasured.  After all, great music, paintings, sculptures, poetry and other forms of writing could bring out the best of what us humans are capable of being.   She was, I am sure, also equally appreciative of fine china, electricity, indoor plumbing, the automobile and other products of the human mind which make the world more pleasant and comfortable.
 
I am equally sure that she was convinced that idle minds could lead to mischief, ways to avoid work, the tormenting of one’s peers, the decision to use tobacco products, alcohol, other drugs, or looking for other roads to a softer, easier path through this life journey.
 
I did not come close to internalizing this Grandma Fannie lesson until in my mid to late twenties I realized that I was allowing life to happen to me.  For many years, it seemed as if I was so intent on pleasing others that I shut down “command central” (my mind) and did whatever others told or suggested that I do.  This method of allowing life to happen had the benefit of never having to take responsibility for my decisions.  After all I was just doing what others thought I should do and which I thought would please them.  Despite Grandma Fannie’s example, I had set aside the tools such as writing which might have allowed me to access the honest voice within me – the voice that reminded me that by abdicating the power of taking responsibility for direction of my life my mind had become the devil’s workshop.  The fact that I was not doing anything illegal or behaviorally breaking the strict rules of the Southern Baptist Church, did not keep the devil at bay.   The devil’s workshop mainly explored the softer, easier path through this life journey.
 
Even today I have to be courageously honest with myself in assessing whether I am making decisions based on what I think will please others, be impressive to others or what I need to do to grow emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.  The answer is not always clear, but if I channel Grandma Fannie the answer is not that cloudy or distant.
 
I also suspect that as we approach the celebration of Independence Day, it might – just might –behoove us as a nation to move towards a new level of honesty about who we are as opposed to who we like to think of ourselves as being.  To what extent have we, as a nation, allowed an idle mind to become the devil’s workshop.
 
Written July 3, 2017

​Sunday Musings – July 2, 2017
 
It has been a pretty routine week although, of course, there are always logistical issues to which one needs to attend- Wi-Fi router issues, appointment with eye doctor, and professional issues including course work to keep as up to date as possible.  It occurs to me, once again, that all these and other routine issues such as cooking, cleaning and laundry are symptoms of the luxury of my life.  Obviously, if I was homeless, a refugee, in prison, in a nursing home or rehabilitation facility, I would not have to deal with any of these routine issues.  
 
Despite the fact that I set aside daily time to reflect, write and to count my blessings, I still seem to take so much for granted.   I sometimes whine and complain about what is working or not working, how many chores I have to do, or what I can or cannot do. I could easily get rid of all my stuff and live very simply.   Yet, I do not do that.  I do briefly consider it at times.  Of course, I would want to do it on my terms. Perhaps if I had more money I could live in a hotel or I could live in a hotel until I had no money left. And then ….  Perhaps I could find a rooming house. Do rooming houses still exist or are they all Airbnb’s.   I could live in a tent. Well, as long as Wi-Fi was available and there was a place to charge my laptop!   I could donate my services to the Peace Corps, Vista, Doctors Without Borders, the Red Cross or some other organization which provides help to people in many parts of the world.  I could volunteer my services to a refugee camp.  I could join an intentional community.
 
It seems that the list of options is endless.  Yet, no matter what changes I make I would still know that they were by choice. I have not because of war, addiction, disease, oppression or other forces outside my control been forced into a crisis living situation.
 
While it is true that I have made choices each step of this journey, it is also true that the place and condition of my birth was outside my control.  (For now I will ignore the arguments which suggest that our spirit has made choices before we arrived for this journey on this planet.)  I get no credit for this accident of birth. Neither do I get credit for looking Caucasian despite having some Native American blood and, I am sure, ancestors of all or most races and cultures.  The fact that I am male has also given me entitlements not available to females or even some males in this and other cultures. 
 
I was not born into wealth which can carry with it a set of burdens which may limit one as much as being born into abject poverty.
 
There are many factors which contributes to my current life status and the abundance of luxuries which I, and not many others worldwide, enjoy.   The question which has long been with me is whether or not I have accepted the mantle of responsibility which accompanies these privileges.  No, I do not mean that I sit around obsessively worrying, not accomplishing anything and not enjoying these luxuries.  I give daily thanks for running water, electricity, indoor plumbing, air conditioning, the ice maker, electric refrigeration and my gas cooking stove.  I could certainly live without them but I choose not to do so.
 
I am also surrounded by a host of those who give me unconditional love (and a few whose love is a tad conditional).  Again, the fact that I am surrounded by this love has nothing to do with what I am able to give or not give them. True, I do my best to love unconditionally, although I sometimes fall short and
“disowned” or in modern terms “defriended”.  Even then I have more than my share.
 
Perhaps I could quit thinking in terms of routine less I fall into the traps of entitlement and/or attachments.   The moment I become attached to any of these luxuries I am no longer free to make choices or even to experience gratitude.  The moment I fall into the trap of entitlement I have lost the connection with my humanity.
 
It has been a week of blessings – yet another week of blessings and opportunities.
 
 
Written July 2, 2017

​If only…
 
One of the topics what many of us have to visit many times in our life journey is the fact that, at times, life not only seems unfair, but, in fact, on the surface is very unfair.  Many of us pick up, learn or conjure up the belief that fairness is the result of good deeds/moral behavior x n.  I am sure that most of us during our life journey have been exposed to the message that “He/She got what they deserved.” or “What did they expect would happen?”  Just in case one’s just rewards or punishments do not seem apparent in this life journey we can assure each other that one will be rewarded or punished in some version of heaven or hell.   If one has fully internalized this belief and, despite one’s awesome, righteous behavior one still experience major negative events than one is angry and resentful.  One then has to shop for the perfect victim costume.  With any luck, the costume comes in various shades of black or perhaps camouflage so that one always has one which portrays for all world to see the fact that either the God of one’s understanding or the big universal computer which tracks good and bad deeds and perhaps even thoughts has gotten confused or malfunctioned.  No matter whether it the universal computer or the God of one’s understanding who is responsible something needs to change now.
 
The words fairness and justice may often be used interchangeably.  If the God of one’s understanding or the universal computer has malfunctioned, then it is up to the human legal system to restore the balance one has the right to expect. Thus, very often one can read in the newspaper a quote by a relative of someone who was killed, injured or otherwise harmed in some way that justice would not be served unless the offending person is sent to prison for life or perhaps sentenced to die.
 
This concept of justice that many of us learn is retributive.   Punishment is a key component of this form of justice. Often the purpose is punishment for punishment sake. This is not about lovingly helping someone to choose a different path. This is about them getting what they deserve and, thus, restoring balance.  When “excuses” are made for the offender one is righteously angry.
 
If one is lucky, one soon learns that life shows up no matter what one does or does not do.  If one has a set of carefully thought out moral values one allows those to be one’s behavioral guide and one achieves internal peace from the resulting behavior.   One is grateful that one’s brain is working well enough to allow one to make these choices.  The brains of others may not be able to work in this manner.  Others may not be able to behave in a manner which is consistent with one’s value system. One knows, for example that depression, addiction, autism and many other diseases and conditions affect the functioning of one’s brain.  One also knows that other diseases, forces of nature and accidents happen to oneself or a family member.  One knows that all those who live long enough will begin to lose physical and/or mental functioning.  This is the human condition.  In fact, it is the nature of us humans to be very imperfect. All sorts of factors affect our thought process and, thus, our behavior. Added to that the universe does not take into consideration how its interactive behavior is affecting each of us in the short term.
 
If one is not lucky in this manner one holds on to anger and resentment until certain individuals, systems or the universe behaves in a manner which is consistent with our expectations that life will be fair/just.   Of course, this never happens long term and, thus, one is free to hold on to the belief that other people, places and events are the cause of one’s misery.  This is a very miserable state for the individuals and anyone whose life they touch.
 
If one stands back and closely examines one’s thought process one may come in direct contact with one’s expectations and beliefs about fairness and justice.  One may have picked those up, accepted the gift of them or otherwise acquired them without any examination of whether they were based on solid evidence.  Part of our adult job of spiritual or moral development may be to take out those expectations/beliefs one by one and more objectively examine them.   If one of those expectations is that one will be externally rewarded for “good” behavior one may want to consider the possibility that one can gain satisfaction and even happiness from doing the next right thing because it is the next right thing regardless of what others or the universe does or does not do.
 
Written July 1, 2017