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A conundrum

8/9/2018

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A conundrum
 
How can we tell who are the old and who are the young?
 
Who the living and who are the dead?
 
We measure age first by hours, then by days, and eventually by years. 
 
Few of us have a vivid memory of that first birthday
 
when language was touch, sound, taste, and smell.
 
Too soon perhaps, we learned a language of words to which we assigned dates and times.
 
With each date and time come expectations and measurements.
 
It is true, of course, that with the passage of years the human brain does change.
 
It may become more efficient and directive until about age 26.
 
It may not!
 
At some later date, it may become a bit more selective in what it stores in the memory bank and in what and how quickly it retrieves information.
 
Are we talking about age or AGE?
 
How do we know if someone is old?
 
Sam, at 20, lives in his tiny world where the gates carefully control what is allowed in or out.
 
In his life one day becomes two which becomes three which becomes  a lifetime.
 
He patiently awaits the end.
 
He was 80 when he was 18.  Will time just passed him by?
 
We decide retirement age, social security,  job eligibility and much else based on a number arbitrarily chosen.
 
We even decide what emotional or sexual behavior is appropriate.
 
How do we determine old?
 
It seems that just about the time we become wise enough
to know what is important we assign a new label.
 
What if a 25-year-old is wise  and a 60-year-old not so wise?
 
What if the numbers are a poor judge?
 
What if the number of new and creative thoughts determined one’s age?
 
What if we use that measuring stick to determine which politicians, bureaucrats and teachers to retire?
 
Who, indeed, is wise enough to be old or is it old enough to be wise or …?

Ahh!  A conundrum?
 
Written August 9, 2018
 
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Identity

8/8/2018

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Identity
 
One of the challenges which everyone faces is to grow past or out of the identity which one has been assigned at birth or later.    Identities which may be assigned include gender, race, nationality, religious, profession and for many an illness such as addiction, depression, or autism;  a political affiliation, or a status such as  criminal, immigrant, foreigner, or some other.  One can assign identity to oneself or accept assignment by a community.
 
Sometimes I help to facilitate a group therapy session with a group of people in the early stages of recovery from addiction.  Often, many of those individuals will define themselves by the deeds they committed while their brain was kidnapped by the addiction. They may be so filled with shame and remorse that they cannot accept that they are worthy of forgiveness and love.
 
The terms illegal and immigrants have, especially, during the past couple of years, been used as an identity so that all  will know that those with those labels  are not worthy of a safe home or basic human rights.
 
The terms American has often in the history of this country been used to determine who is truly worthy respect and basic rights.  The term American further is used as a synonym for a United States Citizen.  Yes, it is true that I am an American but so are those  who are citizens of the other 53 countries and dependent territories comprising the Americas.
 
Rebecca Hwang was 6 when her family immigrated from Korea to Argentina.   For many years, as she details in her Ted Talk entitled “The power of diversity within oneself”, she sought identify in her geographical heritage.  Yet, in Argentina she was seen as  Korean and in Korea she was seen as Argentinean or Spanish (because of her accent).  Later she was a student  and then she was “an inventor, entrepreneur, and social innovator.  The I became an investor, a woman in tech, at teacher.  And most recently, I became a mom.”  Before becoming a mom, she married a man from Denmark. Their children were born with three nationalities and four languages.
 
Ms. Hwang now says, “…my identify quest is no longer to find my tribe. It’s more about allowing myself to embrace all the possible permutation of myself  and cultivating diversity within me and not just around me.”
 
We all want to feel as if we belong.  Humans are social animals.  Often when architects and city planner  design buildings they forget this fact and design sets of individuals boxes where many live and die feeling isolated and alone.
 
We are all more than any one label.   What we share with other humans is being a part of larger whole comprised of may desires, ancestors, feelings, talents, mistakes, and possibilities.  We are have traits which have been labeled as masculine or feminine – often for reasons associated with the desire for power  which is grounded in a desire to be important/worthwhile – of a particular sexual orientation, a nationality, an ancestral background, smart or dumb depending  what of the mind’s creation is valued by a small group, a behavior which makes others uncomfortable, a disease or other conditions which determines the firing of the brain’s synapses which in terms determines thoughts or actions.
 
 
It is good to know that we belong to various  groups who can work together to find a cure for cancer, to more effectively treat PTSD,  treat addiction,  find cleaner and cheaper fuels,  make music, refine a sporting skill or create art.  We can belong to a multitude of groups all being a part of our identify as complicated, diverse, creative human choreographing  a dance of many hues, colors, tones and notes.
 
 
Written August 8, 2018

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The self we pack

8/7/2018

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​The self we pack
 
This morning I arrived at the gym to find a couple I know helping the woman at the desk, Jan, fold towels. Towel folding is just one of Jan’s many duties at the front desk.  I was not surprised to find this particular couple helping.  My experiences says both of these individuals are bright, kind, creative, community oriented people.  Those qualities seem to be consistently present no matter where I see them or their momentary role.   Mutual friends confirm that they are indeed that consistent in all aspects of their life.   
 
While reading the morning newspaper I was thinking about how comforting it is to be able to trust this couple to be who they are.
 
I  read yet another story about the expensive renovations of the offices of the West Virginia Supreme Court Judges.  The article mentions that not only had  a good deal of money been spent, but that each office was very individualized even though, unlike the United States Supreme Court Judges, theses judges serve a limited term.  I found myself wondering if all of them are so wealthy that they  never have to worry about  a budget at home.  There are, I am told, such people.   Most of us do have a home budget.  Most of us do also have a work budget.
 
One of the issues which frequently comes up in my counseling work with/for people has to do with using work skills at home and home skills at work.  Often individuals say to me  that they do not have a particular skill and, yet, I find that they do have that skill in their work or home environment.   For example, a person who is the chief finanical officer for a major company  told me that they did not know how to do a home budget.  Someone else told me that they did not know how to manage employees without being a bully.  Yet, I know they work as a team with their family.
 
Obviously, if one has  skills that they use in one segment of their life one can apply those skills in all areas of their lives.  Frequently, I suggest that one pack up home skills in their briefcase or lunch bucket and then pack up work skills as they get ready to return home for the evening.
 
Many of us humans seem to have a habit of compartmentalizing  skills, abilities or even approaches to working with others.   Some of us may, on the other hand, be more consistent.  Often I find those who are a bully in the workplace may be a bully at home.   Sometimes this is not the case.  I often wonder if all the United States diplomats and politicians who seem to think that it is okay to attempt to bully other nations into doing what we want them to do or think that they should do  are bullies with their spouses, children and co-workers.
 
Most of us admire creativity while also admiring some consistently in being the same person in one’s varied roles. Of course, if one is consistently a bully, a victim, helpless or otherwise challenged then one may want to do some self-examination. There might be a reason why both employees and family members avoid one.  One might want to explore consistently  treating others as one wants to be treated which may require carrying all ones talents and skills with one.  If one is honestly missing some necessary skills and talents one might want to don the appropriate costume and go shopping!
 
 
Written August 7, 2018
 
 
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Family Values

8/6/2018

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​Family Values
 
I often suggest to families that they discuss family values and then post them on the refrigerator or a family bulletin/white board in the kitchen.  I further suggest that family values are just that – values which all members of the family agree to strive to follow.  This subject frequent comes up when a parent or other adult family member is attempting to justify a behavior which does not adhere to the values they want to teach their children.  Obviously, I am not talking about behaviors which may vary according to age, i. e. sexual behavior or safe consumption of alcohol or caffeine.    We all instinctly know that children take their cue from what we do and not from what we say.
 
In an age when the behavior of others is often very public it seems to me important that families discuss and attempt to agree on core values.   Every day nearly all of us receive thousands of messages via radio, television, billboards, magazines, books, newspapers, cell phones,  and internet including social media.   Nearly all of these messages contain an explicitly  or implicitly stated value.   A good example was the results of journalist Scott McCartney from the Wall Street Journal asking Delta Air Lines, CEO, Ed Bastian, and American Airlines CEO, Doug Parker to sit in the coach section of the respective carrier’s planes. Apparently United CEO declined.  Both of these men are approximately 6’3”.   Both said that the seats will not be getting any smaller, but both reportedly said that if people want more space, they can pay for it. (WSJ July 24, 2018.  
 
If one has recently flown one might have noticed that many airlines now offer a choice of seats for an extra fee or including in the price of the ticket  one can sit in one of the cheaper seats which may have less leg room, may not recline and may have very thin padding.
 
 
It is not my intention to herein discuss the economics of the airline industry. It is my intention to focus on the implicit values of the comment made by the American and Delta CEO’s that if people want more space, they can pay for it.   The implicit values contained therein are:
  • People with more money deserve more comfort.
  • People with less money need to suck it up and quit whining.
  • Those who are good people have more money.
  • Having more or less money is a choice
  • God favors those with are successful – work hard and achieve success.
  • Making decent money is at least one major indicator of success.
  • The one with the most expensive toys wins.
 
On the surface, some of these may seem to be true at least some of the time.  For example, it is true:
 
  • Some may choose to place family ahead of getting promoted and will not likely ever be CEOs and command million dollar salaries.
  • Some CEO’s may be very present family members.
  • If one chooses to be a counselor or social worker one is  choosing to live on the average salary paid for that profession.
  • Some people who are successful make a lot of money.
  • Not all people equate success with making a lot of money.
 
The amount of money one has does not indicate whether:
 
  • One is a loving, good  and dependable friend.
  • One is a loving,  available, present partner.
  • One is a loving, available parent.
  • One is a loving, involved community member.
  • One is racist, sexist, homophobic or otherwise discriminates.
  • Walks the walk of their religious beliefs.
The danger is that when one hears thousands of messages each day implicitly or explicitly supporting a certain value or truth if one does not have a system for being intentional about the values by which one wants to live one will unconsciously internalize the values  one experiences in the larger community.  Families need to regularly talk about core values and how they will arrive at them. Families will also need the basic skills of logic 101 which I will address in a future blog.
 
Written August 6, 2018
 
 
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Sunday Musings - August 5, 2018

8/5/2018

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​Sunday Musings – August 5, 2018
 
Today dawns sunny and warm    I have cleaned all the porch furniture which now stands ready to receive anyone who stops by; all those who may just need to sit and watch the grass grow, and watch the birds and other critters living their life journey, sometimes with a bit of nourishment from my garden. In fact, the parsley has completely given its life for some animal or animals.
 
Sometimes, it is necessary for me to spend time porch sitting and reminding myself that the world has a rhythm all its own which is either supported or adversely affected by the action of us humans. I, of course,  must do my part to do all  I can to live in rhythm with the universe while also accepting my inability to control the action of others.
 
Carbon emissions, plastic products and much else  including the over use of sand,  disrupts the rhythm of the universe.  It also seems to me that the hot air of those of us who strand ready to judge and degrade others may do more to directly and indirectly  harm this rhythm than anything else we do.   I suspect that this hot air is systematic of our day-to-day relationship with ourselves, each other and the rest of the universe. If we are unable to respect ourselves and others I do not  have much hope that we can respect the rest of the universe.
 
I made a resolve this year to actively support only those political candidates who are running a positive campaign which honors what I choose to refer to as the sacredness of all creatures and Mother Earth.   I do not want to support or endorse those who are engaging in a negative campaign. This morning I read a letter to the editor supportive a political appointee whose has some opinions I seriously question.  Yet, I carefully read the letter which was a very positive statement based on personal experience.  There was not one negative comment about anyone else in this letter.  This one, seemingly genuine opinion, may not be enough to gain my support for the appointment of this person, but I will now allow for the fact that I need to know more about this appointee before making a decision.
 
It seems relatively easy for most of us to say what we are against.  For this human, it is much more difficult and requires a lot more time and effort to do my homework and articulate a positive alternative.  For example, I can find no evidence that using punishment as a response to criminal activity has a long term positive result. Yet, there are people who are not able to consider the rights and needs of others.  Some of those can and will change.  Some may have brains which are incapable of change.  These later one may need to be in a safe, secure, sacred place until we find a treatment which allow them to live in the wider community without violating the safety of others. 
 
I heard and read that humans are quickly using up the world-wide supply of sand.  One might respond by outlawing the use of cement which is dependent on sand. Yet, a more positive solution is to support those who are looking for alternative to the current recipe for cement or for substitutes.   Some creative person might find a way to use desert sand which is generally too rounded to use in making cement. One needs jagged edges such as is found on beaches or in the ocean to ensure that the sand bonds with the other ingredients.   Some others are exploring alternatives types of housing materials and working in environment other than tall buildings. 
 
This morning  a friend reminded me that many years ago I had suggested she focus on “being grateful for where I am in my journey and all that led me to this place in my journey.  I carry these words of wisdom with me...(which) guided me through some of the toughest and best of life’s journey.”  I do not recall saying those words to her but today she is often the one who, by example, serves as my teacher in reminding me to live in this place of gratitude.
 
For today I  recommit myself to focusing on exploring positive solutions and not criticizing others.
 
 
Written August 5, 2018
 
 
 
 
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A life of spiritual intentions

8/4/2018

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A life of spiritual intentions
 
I often – daily – challenge myself to clearly state my spiritual intention for the day. I remind myself and others that I do not need to make this challenge unrealistic or complicated.    Pema Chodron, the Buddhist nun,  reminds one  that one’s spiritual intention may be as simple as enjoying a cup of coffee rather than mindlessly drinking it without enjoying it.
 
If I am not intentional it is very easy to allow the day to just happen to me rather than taking responsibility for making choices for setting goals and doing my best – just for today – to live up to those goals.
As a young man, it often felt as if life just happened to me.  Other people told me what they thought I should do or I reacted to whatever came along.  In this way, I “ended up”, for example, enlisting in the United States Navy.  Later I “ended up” as a Midshipman at the U. S. Naval Academy studying naval engineering.  Much of my life was spent reacting to situations in which I “ended up” being the passive actor.  Obviously, I did not just end up in places and situations.  I actively or passively made choices which led to my being in certain places or situations.
 
The extent of my spiritual intention at that stage of my life might have been a prayer which stated, “Please God don’t let me commit sin X today.” or “Please God help me have purer thoughts today.”  In other words, often the closest I got to a spiritual intention was to pray or wish that I would not displease God.
 
Individuals who are using the 12-step recovery program to free themselves of active addiction so that they can live a life of which they can be proud, often  begin with the desire to be free of the obsession to use or to resist the obsession to use for the next ten minutes.  One is not, at that stage of recovery/spiritual growth, concerned with accomplishing anything other than not using.   If they are successful with this initial stage of recovery they will begin to set very clear, positive spiritual goals.
 
Those not in recovery for whom life is just happening may not be presented with such a clear challenge as the 12-step program to live a life of daily spiritual goals. One may not realize that one has the opportunity to let go of past hurtful behavior and move on to a purposeful life. 
 
For me being successful is not about making money although I would rather not be homeless or go hungry.  Neither it is about becoming famous, being responsible for world peace or even being exceptional. It is about intentionally showing up and being the kindest, most loving and most responsible person I can be today. Sometimes, at Pema Chodron suggests, just be grateful for a cup of coffee, the smile of a friend,  or to share a smile with a friend is as successful as I need to be.  Life does not have to happen to me.  Today, assuming the absence of dementia or other diseases which affect my ability to make decisions, I am free to be intentional about the person I want to me.  Life will still show up but I can choose my how I want to respond.
 
Written August 4, 2018
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I never thought of that

8/3/2018

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I never thought of that
 
I often listen to podcasts, Ted Talks, books or talks by spiritual teachers such as Pema Chodron, Eckhart Tolle and Anne Lamotte while I am at the gym exercising or doing some  chore at home which does not require all my attention.  I do this because I want to be open to more creative thinking in my personal and professional life. 
 
This morning one of the Ted talks to which I listened was on the fighting behavior of octopuses. Another was a talk by Brett Henning.  His talk asks the question: “What if we replaced politicians with randomly selected people?”    He, among many others, believe that the current system of career politicians is not enhancing the democratic system of government. Yet, he and many others still believe that democracy is the best way to govern.  He states: “Our politics is broken, our politicians aren’t trusted, and the political system is distorted by powerful vested interests.”
 
Mr. Henning reminds the listener that in ancient Athens, the birthplace of democracy as we think of it, most political posts were filled by individuals randomly selected with a machine called a kleroteria.   In modern society one would want to stratify the selection to make sure it “matched the socioeconomic and demographic profile of the country and was truly representative of people.”   He goes on to suggest that decisions would then more likely be made based on evidence based solutions.  He further says that “We can experiment with sortation.  We can introduce it to schools and workplaces and other institutions, like Democracy in Practice is doing in Bolivia. We can hold policy juries and citizen assemblies, like the new Democracy Foundation is doing in Australia, the Jefferson Center is doing in the US and the Irish government is doing right now.”
I encourage the reader to listen to this and other ted talks and to read books such as The End of Politicians:  Time for a Real Democracy by Bret Henning. There are several other books on this topic.
 
My main point in writing this blog is to remind myself and the reader how easy it is to lock ourselves in small boxes of thinking.  For example, even though I have a degree in Philosophy and have read extensively about ancient governments I either missed or did not remember that early Athenian governing representatives were basically randomly selected.  
 
Daily, it seems my narrow way of thinking and of problem solving is exposed for the tiny framework it is.   I am reminded of the many discussions and debates I have had during which I only allowed for a very limited number of possibilities.  
 
I have said many times that I rely on my friends, colleagues, as well as  current and ancient authors to challenge my limited range of thoughts and solutions.    The advent of the internet has brought thousands of new challengers into my life.  Program such as Ted Talks and various podcasts join books, Radio and google minions to tickle my mind while I am at the gym, driving, or cleaning house nearly any place in the world. 
 
There is no excuse for me to assume that I know either “the solution” or “the range of solutions”.   There is always another possibility. Daily I am reminded that I can be an open, learning, active member of the world community.
 
Written August 3, 2018
 
 
 

 
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Our evolving story

8/1/2018

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​Our evolving story
 
Many of us do not think of ourselves as a novelist or even a story teller, but the truth is that our story is constantly evolving.  Sadly, we often think or believe that our story is static – “the story”.  If reporting on the same event, each witness will swear that his or her story is “the story” when in fact there are as many true stories are there are witnesses.  Does this mean that there was no event which is the same for all of us?   No, it does not mean that.  All witnesses may agree that there was an incident which involved two vehicles and that one or more people were fatally injured.  Later it may be revealed that one of the people was not fatally injured in the crash but had a heart attack which resulted in their vehicle going out of control, hitting the other vehicle which then resulted in the fatality. Perhaps there are even more stories from people who thought they knew those involved.
 
I talked to a person recently who was telling me about their violent, abusive father. This person is still, many years later, very angry at their father.   Obviously, the anger is not surprising.  This child did not cause the father to be mean and abusive.  The child was trapped in this unsafe home until they became old enough to leave physically, In the meantime they may have left emotionally.   At some point the child may have discovered the numbing relief of alcohol or some other drug(s). They may also have held on to his anger, but did not take the anger out on others as did the father. Anger did push others away soo they could not get close to the pain.  In their mind, they needed to hang on to the anger as a protective shield.   One might ask about the similarities between the anger of the father which seemed to be directed outward and the anger of the child which seemed to be directed inward.  Both used the anger as a shield.  I know nothing of the etiology of the anger of the father.  Perhaps he was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Perhaps he was projecting his hatred of himself onto his family members. Perhaps he was physically incapable of experiencing empathy.    All we know for certain is that he was unable to be the teaching, loving father which this person needed. 
 
One story is that the father was just a mean, abusive person who deserved to experience the pain he inflicted upon others.  Another story is that the father had no clue about how to deal with his own pain and experienced others as adding to his pain.  
 
For the person with whom I was speaking, one story may be that their history of addiction and self- hate was caused by the behavior of the father. They may also blame the father for the painful life journey of other family members. They may see the entire family as a victim of dad’s violent behavior. Another story is that all the events of their life – positive and negative – have led them to this moment in which is they are able to be a blessing to others.  This does not justify the violence the father may have suffered, the violence the father inflicted upon others, or the pain, fear, loneliness, and anger which has been the constant companion of the person with whom I was talking.  Yet, it is another potentially accurate version of the story.
 
Some individuals have a very static story which they hold on to for their entire lives.   Some stumble on a story which feeds pain, anger, sometimes addiction, and for some a life of destructive behavior which may result in years of cruel incarceration.  Some, for a variety of reasons, look for a story editor.  A personal story editor may be a coach, sponsor, mentor, therapist, spiritual director or some combination of these.  The editor will undoubtedly recommend that that the person practice what the 12-step program calls the HOW – honestly, open mindedness and willingness.  The practice of the HOW may seem very painful at times but can lead to personal healing, forgiveness, and even internal peace.
 
Written August 1, 2018
 
 
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    Jimmy Pickett is a life student who happens to be a licensed counselor and an addiction counselor. He is a student of Buddhism with a background of Christianity and a Native American heritage.

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