​Sunday Musings – August 18, 2019
 
The light arrives slowly as the earth we inhabit turns to allow the sun’s light and heat to blanket this part of the world in which I currently reside.   Of course, as  we here experience light and heat other parts of the world necessarily experience increasing darkness and cold.   As I sat at the kitchen table with the window on the storm door open earlier this morning I heard all the sounds of the creatures  which are each contributing their part to insuring that the whole works.  Again,  I am reminded of the freedom and the responsibility each of us has  to do our part to honor all of the parts of the universe.    I read an editorial this morning positing an argument against renewal energy because it might raise the price of energy.   The author neglected to mention the price of not using renewal energy.  Long term I suspect, even if those of us who have more than we need share more freely with those who have less than they need, the cost of renewal energy will be much less.  I read another editorial arguing against gun control.  The argument seems to center around two indisputable facts:  (1) people and not guns kill and (2) if mass murderers truly wanted to kill a lot of people they would make more of an effort to obtain and use one of the 638,000 machine guns in the United States.  The author also argues that it makes sense that people want the AR clones since it is relatively inexpensive and a very reliable weapon.   The author does not mention if there are reliable statistics indicating how often individuals provide more food for their families by using the AR clone.     I also read and greatly appreciated Maria Popova blog, “Brain Pickings” in which she discussed and draws upon the wisdom of others to discuss our consanguinity with the universe”.  She reminds us of a poem by Wendell Berry poem, “Questionnaire” and James Baldwin’s quote, “It is always much easier (because it has seemed much safer) to give a name to the evil without than to locate the terror within”.   She draws not only on her own wisdom but the wisdom of many others in all her blogs. ( I highlyt advise the reader of this blog to subscribe to her blog.  One’s life will be much richer because of doing so.)
 
Once again all the creatures – even some humans – remind me of what Marie Popova is terming the consanguinity with the universe.   I  am fond of reminding myself and others that every action I take (active or passive) affects the entire universe(s).   I also often think about the fact that each of us can serve as leaders or mentors in either showing how some behavior  contributes to the  unbalancing of all systems and the larger system which is the universe or we can serve as leaders or mentors in doing our small part in creating or maintaining balance .  In my mind other words or concepts  for balance are justice and equanimity. 
 
All of us are leaders.  Sometimes  we are positive leaders and sometimes we are negative leaders. Sometimes we are passive leaders and sometimes we are active leaders. Some of are very public leaders with a lot of influence and some  lead from a small pond whose ripples may not be on the evening news or even become a viral twitter post.   All leadership positions are important to the working of the whole.  Yet when we act as a collective such as when we act as the United  States we have more immediate and profound influence.  One the best arguments for reducing  the use of negative force – the use of  guns and the weapons which are designed to kill – is to force ourselves as a nation – a collective – to show that it is possible to create a more just world through the use of peaceful methods – by focusing on what we have in common and not being intentional in creating an artificial other.   When we develop, support and use renewal energy or use one last plastic bag or straw we are demonstrating our  interdependence on all other life forms and all parts of the universe.  This is leadership  attesting to the fact that we are one; that we are all us; that there is no them.
 
I am not suggesting that leadership should or needs be negative, self-righteous, or “heavy”.  It can be quietly powerful and respectful of the terror which we all share; of the fear which causes many of us to fear the loss of fossil fuel related jobs, less reliance on military type power and less denial that life is, at best, very brief.
 
Indeed it is not the pyramids we leave behind that count but the dance of joyful interdependence.
 
Written August 18, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 

​Science or delusions
 
When my friend and her family came here after world war II they were required to have a sponsor who would ensure that they would not be a financial burden on the taxpayers of the county.  Fortunately, many religious organizations helped to identify and pair up sponsors and families.    In their case this was not a big risk since the family of my friend was able to eventually make a decent wage and enjoy a good life without, as far as  I know, the assistance of food stamps, Medicaid or housing subsidies.   This family  was very blessed to have the skills and opportunities to become self-sufficient and to create a good life for themselves.     The reason that this family was able to come to the United states following the actions of  WWII was Eleanor Roosevelt pushed a bill through congress to borrow from future quotas. The laws limiting immigration remained very restrictive and discriminatory until 1965 at which time it was expanded to include some who were formerly not included.   There remained a system for family immigration sponsorship and for business sponsorship. There is  a user fee for business sponsorship and as well salary requirements.  There is also a category entitled temporary agriculture worker.  
 
Recent executive orders will place further restrictions on immigrants who might, for a time, need assistance.  Thus, those who need Medicaid, food stamps or other assistance would have their applications for asylum or to join family  members denied.   Applicants such as Mrs. Trump’s parents would not be denied because the President can afford to provide for them if needed.
 
It is my understanding that many immigrants – legal and otherwise – pay social security or Medicare taxes without claiming any benefits.   Many contribute to the economy by taking jobs that current U.S. citizens do not fill.  Immigrants are less likely to be charged with  criminal acts.
 
What is the bottom line in terms of cost of immigrants versus contributions economically?  What are root  reasons for immigration?   How has United States interference in the government of other nations affected  the current flow of immigrants?  How has climate change  to which we, as a nation, contributed affected economic conditions in countries from which individua’s and families are fleeing?  What is the cost emotionally, financially, and spiritually of acting as if there is not an interdependence among all nations?  What is the cost of pitting one group or one religion against another?    What is the cost politically and emotionally of fostering policies which create  more desperate, angry people who have to watch their children die from hunger and other forms of violence?  How do we come to believe that we are our brothers  and sisters’ keepers and turn a blind eye to those who are fleeing physical, emotional and economic poverty?
 
Lastly what is the basis for our immigration policies. Are they based on:

• Moral or ethical imperatives?
• Sound economic facts.
• Shared humidity and responsibility.
• The thinking and behavior of those who benefit  on the backs and lives of others.
• What we would want for our children and other relatives ?
• A national budget which favors the profit of defense contractors,  weapons manufactures, prison owners and supplies and others for profit individuals and companies?

 
These are tough questions requiring the rigors which we say we are demanding of church officials, those recovering from addictions and “the least of these”.  Are we willing to hold ourselves to the same tough and rigorous standards or are they only meant to be the opiate of the masses?
 
Written August 15, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org

One day/step at a time
 
Whether I am biking up hills for the first time in the spring, tackling a seemingly mountain of paperwork, paying off a loan, cleaning house, getting acquainted with someone or joining others to campaign for a political candidate I know that if I focus on the entire task at hand I could easily become overwhelmed and decide I might as well not even try to accomplish that task.   If, however, I set tiny goals such as one step, one pieces of paper, one dollar, or  dusting one shelf I can easily accomplish that goal
Since I work for and with a lot of individuals who are using the 12-step program to reclaim their lives from active addiction, I often hear and echo the advice, “One day at a time.”   I have now worked in the Wheeling areas for nearly 39 years.I know individuals who had accumulated 37 or 38  years of “one day” or as some like to report 13, 870 days one day at a time.  If anyone had suggested on the first day of recovery to one of these people that they had to stay clean and sober for 13, 780 days they most likely would have given up very quickly.
 
No matter what the task it can almost always be broken down into small, achievable steps.  If the steps are within our ability or if we can humble ourselves to consult with someone who has the skill set needed we can achieve one small step.  Some tasks may take the cooperation and skill sets of many individuals but working together those very complicated tasks can be accomplished.     I am always amazed that a skyscraper begins with a surveyor a draftsperson and an architect, then backhoe operators, and so forth.  When the actual erection of a building begins it has to be kept level with each small piece establishing the right relationship with the preceding pieces.   I am always amazed that one can build such a structure level and grounded enough to be safe to use.  Yet every day such magic happens.
 
Reclaiming our authentic selves requires the same focus, patience and piece by piece process.  I was listening to the director of a television series entitled Pose written, produced and directed by a transsexual woman Janet Mock.   Pose recreates and tells the story of transsexual individuals claiming their right to be.  Although there are political and religious forces still determined to bury transsexual individuals in a web of fear and lies,  individuals such as Janet Mock continue to examine and correct those lies one by one.  Once  a transsexual person has begun the process of claiming new truths they have the power to claim the life them deserve.   
 
My work in the mental health field often involves the same step by step process.   This process may be aided by medication, exercise, emotional and spiritual support, as well as good nutrition but a significant part of the healing process is identifying and correcting the lies of the depression, anxiety, grief, or anger.   Even if these lies are a result of a physical condition one can identify and correct them rather than feeding them.  Often, I ask individual to daily text or email me with a new truth about themselves or their abilities.  Step by step, one day at a time the lies lose much of their power.  Surrounding oneself with those who validate one’s worth and power also can be a huge part of  the healing process.
 
Individually and together, one step at a time, we are powerful.   It is interesting to note that almost all significant social and spiritual progress has been accomplished by a small group of people living new truth one day/step at a time.
 
Written May 15, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 

​Can’t make a silk purse out of sow’s ear.
 
This proverb apparently dates back to at least the 1500s.   it is also true, however, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and very creative humans  continue to take what might appear ugly and create beautiful and meaningful works of art.  My friend Becky even calls rain “liquid sunshine” for her garden.  If, however, one has spent tens of thousands of dollars on an outdoor wedding, reception and dinner it is tough to think of rain as liquid sunshine.
 
Many of us have crafted a video of our ideal family.  We may decide that until our family of origin watches and copies the thought process and behavior of this idea family that we cannot be content or have the life we deserve.   The refusal of our family of origin to follow this script will cause us to be depressed, angry and prevent us from emotional, spiritual and even economic health.  In our mind we have taken the family we experience as sow’s ears and after reciting the appropriate incantation magically turned them into a family of silk purses.  They, however, refuse to watch the video and heed its instructions.
 
Darnell Moore in his book, No Ashes in the Fire, talks about the process of accepting his own humanness and how that led him to a place of being able to accept the humanness of his alcoholic, sometimes violent father.   It was important for his mother and all who were touched by the violence to physically get away from this violence.   It took a lot of life lessons and an emotional and spiritual maturity for Mr. Moore to be present at the bedside of his father and say to him: “Fly.  I know you are heavy. We forgive you.  Whatever weights you have been carrying, let them go.  Fly.”(p 88 of the paperback edition of the book).
 
A friends of mine finds that she cannot be around her family of origin without getting so triggered that she is not able to take care of herself and be the wife, mother and friend she wants to me.  Sadly she needs to avoid them, but she does not need to judge or be critical of them. They are doing the best they can.  Fortunately she has many others in her circles of “we” who are able to give her the love and nurturing she wants and needs.  From a distance she can practice the unconditional love she wants.    She no longer has to attempt to change them; to attempt to make them learn the script she has written for them. 
 
It is not surprising that many of us find that we are attempting to change others into who we want them to be while criticizing them for not accepting us for who we are.   We accuse them of attempting to change us or wanting us to change how we live while we attempt to change their attitudes, beliefs and behavior. In effect we do to them what we are accusing them of doing to us.  
 
Loving unconditionally is not for wimps.   Yet, once we accept that we do not need to judge or change others – that others do the best they can with the emotional and spiritual tools they have - we are free to seek out those who can give us what we want/need. 
 
There is nothing wrong with the ears of a sow.  There is nothing wrong with purses made out of silk.  Each stand on their own.  The more accepting we are of others; the more we quit attempting to change others, the freer we are to take care of ourselves and others in the way we want others to lovingly take care of us.
 
Written August 14, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Anger in all its complexities and nuances
 
Much has been written about the pros and cons of anger.   There are many questions one can ask about anger including:
 

• Is it justified?
• Is it understandable?
• Is it helpful to the one who is angry?
• Is it helpful to the person or persons at whom the anger is directed?
• What is the purpose of the anger? To hurt? Inform? Punish?  Heal?

 
Anger is often both justified and understandable.   Rape of a person, especially a young child, the killing of unarmed people, especially African American males, by police in this country, the genocide of a group of people, and a host of other destructive actions by a person in power against some person or persons who have little to no power.
 
Angry may temporarily be helpful as an alarm system within a person or group of people.  It may symbolize that they have awaken and found their voice; a voice which proclaims enough injustice is enough injustice.   Once the alarm has been sounded, however, the goal or purpose in regard to the injustice has to be clearly articulated.  If the goal is revenge or punishment, while understandable,  one has to then ask if one’s goal is the same as that of the person to whose injustice one is responding.  If so, one has to further ask how injustice plus injustice will lead to justice.  Despite revenge and punishment being the most common tools used by judicial systems at all levels in much of the world there is no evidence that either result is a reduction of the very offenses they are meant to deter.   On a common-sense level neither make sense.  If the intent of the leaders of the community is to show that there are more civilized or effective ways of resolving conflicts than verbal or physical violence it makes no sense to use verbal and physical violence as a primary tool.     When a person(s) holds on to anger and resentment then it is very stressful and, thus, injurious to one’s physical and mental health.
 
Anger expressed in a verbal or physical manner certainly may stop that person from any further injustice or perceived injustice especially if one kills the person but is there any evidence that it will stop or even reduce the sum total of violence by others.  I am not aware of any evidence that this is the case long term.  Certainly, for a time, it may reduce the overt expression of verbal or physical violence but long term I see no evidence of such reduction.  Generally anger plus anger equals anger x 2 equals more anger.
 
It is clear to me that once one has attended to the alarm of anger then one needs to attempt to articulate a goal.  Is the goal revenge, punishment, attempt to be judgmental and a hurtful as one might be feeling, healing or to model humility and unconditional love?   Does one want to blame or to accept some responsibility for one’s expectations that the other person(s) would be or would have been less human and, thus, more perfect?  Does one want to believe that one’s own behavior is less human; less devoid of hurtful acts?  Does one want to be the righteous victim?  Is it helpful to take the behavior of the other personally or even if directed at one was the behavior of the other about his or her own issues/human frailty?    Does one want to give power to others to act in a way which is not consistent with one’s core values?  Does one want to lead or to follow?
 
When Jesus said to love your enemies was he only referring to the enemy as defined by one’s nation or did he also mean one’s neighbor, spouse, children, parents or boss?  Are we ever really in a position to judge another?    Do we see our humanness reflected in the “sins” of the other?  Can we accept and/or forgive our own humanness?
 
There are many questions we can ask our anger or ask ourselves? It is much easier to just feed the anger and, perhaps, feel self-righteous?  Yet, does holding on to the anger and putting it is charge of how we behave create a more just, safe and loving world for all the future adults – the children of the world?
 
Written August 12, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 

​Sunday Musings – August 11, 2019
Loving you until you can love yourself
 
It is a beautiful morning here in Northern West Virginia.   Here in my privileged, protected corner of the world it is easy to feel loved and cared for. That was not always the case. I was not always able to override negative messages about my self worth and accept that it is was not only okay to  be at peace with my humanness but to love myself. Until I was able to do that many other people including some of the elders who raised me and a host of mentors who followed in their footsteps extended the unconditional love I craved.   
 
All my readers know that I often recommend the use of the 12-step program for those who are ready to let go 0f a life of active addiction.  I know that this program is not for everyone but I do believe that,  as is true for the best of many religions, we have much to learn from the 12-step program.   One of the practices and traditions of that program is loving the newcomer to recovery until they can learn to love themselves.   Actually, the members keep loving each other and the new comer even after they have learned to love themselves.  As was practiced by Jesus and other spiritual teachers those in the program do not require a background check or an excel spread sheet of all one’s “sins”(ways they have hurt themselves and others) before they extend a loving welcome.    The only requirement to stop using is the desire to find a new way to live or a desire to stop the insanity.      Since the program is composed of humans many of whom are very intelligent there are many interpretations of what constitutes loving behavior.  Some  of the recovering members take great pride in letting others know they honor the decisions of those who do not or cannot stay in recovery.  Some proudly announce they do not “chase” those they sponsor.   Some use words such as codependence to describe the behavior of those who go to the homes of people to check on those who may be struggling.   
 
Fortunately it is not my place to judge the various interpretations of “loving someone  until they can learn to love themselves and then keep loving them”.   I can only decide for myself what today seems the most loving.    Even though I am not  a 12-step member, as a counselor/therapist/coach I work for/with a lot of individuals  living with or recovering from active addictions to alcohol, other drugs, power, sex, money, things, food or something else outside of oneself.   I know what it is like to not love oneself. I know the power of others believing in me when I did not believe in myself.  There is a long list of such angels in my life, many of whom are deceased.  Many others may be living and I, sadly, did not always do what I needed to do to maintain contact.  Yet, I know that that in spite of my sins of omission and commission; in spite of not yet being the best person I can be and yet knowing I am not the person I was yesterday. I  am worth loving.
 
In my nearly 50 years of working for/with other humans I have yet to meet a person who was not worth loving; a person who failed the entrance exam for being worthy of love.   As far as I can tell and despite moments of anger Jesus did not give anyone such a flunking grade.  As far as I can tell the Buddha never posted a list of those who failed and flunked the entrance exam for love.
 
Many who are not able to love themselves  cannot openly accept the love of another.  Many will push away that love; sometimes with violence.  No matter.  When one cannot love themselves one often cannot allow the love of another to touch them.  We keep loving even while getting conflicting advice about what constitutes co-dependence, chasing another or not respecting the decisions of others.   Today my personal belief  is that I need to keep reaching out to others – to that mirror of who I was and can still be – without any attachments to outcome or any expectations.   I will attempt to keep it simple which for this human is not always easy.
 
Written August 11, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 

​Counseling – Falling in love
 
In the wake of the revelations about sexual abuse by clergy and others in a position of power, the title of this essay might seem a bit risky and in danger of setting off alarms.  It is not my intent to set off alarms but it is my intent to invite all of us in a counseling, therapy, coaching or any similar relationship to be mindful of the danger of not embracing the sacred person who approaches one for help in healing emotional or psychological pain, the load of which has become too heavy to bear.    The danger is that when a person, couple or family enters our actual or virtual office we assume a “professional” dance whose instructor has been fear.  We are fearful of being wrongly accused of violating one of the hundreds of rules and sub-rules now contained in the ethical guideline which in truth are the legal contract. We are fearful of being not objective enough or too objective; of the client, counselee, or person we are coaching of getting too close and diagnosing our dysfunction.    This fear can easily cause us to objectify the person who is hiring us.  Yet, the person hires us because we do not have a personal history with them and, therefore, there is no emotional garbage preventing some semblance of objective love.   The person(s) seeking service needs a professional to make an educated assessment of what has caused the troubling symptoms and what course of action might restore what they consider a normal life. 
 
Parenting is one of the few relationships which demands unconditional love and a clear goal of creating independence.  Of course, physical or mental illness might demand an ongoing dependence and/or switching roles.  Helping professionals have a similar mandate.  The goal is to feather by feather help the individual grow their own wings and fly off.  Growing wings might require medication, education, surgery, or some other intrusive intervention.  Very often growing wings first requires enveloping the person with the unconditional love they may not have experienced as a small child while inviting them to access the wise teacher within themselves; validating the wisdom of that teacher until they learn to trust that internal wise person. 
Sometimes it is not about wings but validating the end of life lessons or providing loving support for the last part of one’s journey.
 
A helping professional or a parent who is attempting to function with empty emotional, physical, spiritual or nutritional gas tanks will easily confused their own needs with those of the child or the person they have promised to serve.
 
I fall in love with every client I agree to serve.   While I attempt to identify the blocks which prevent a person, couple or family from being their best/most functional selves I emotionally and mentally allow myself to magically (or is it stubbornly) bore through the blocks to the center of their sacredness.    As I did with my young son I attempt to hold them in my embrace until they are ready to fly.   As needs to be true for a parent one is always prepared to let go just a little more. 
 
Once a client/patient  or a child is ready to fly we must both let go and stand at the ready.  It is not the end of loving.  One may or may not ever see the child or the client/patient again  or one may see them “come home” to get refueled. 
 
The helping role is always a sacred one.  Just as Jesus taught and loved his disciples he was always giving them wings.  While he did not confuse his needs with theirs he was also filled by their achievements and humbled by their need of a little more time.
 
Written August 10, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
 
 

​“Edges of love”
 
Writer and activist, Darnell Moore in a  conversation with Krista Tibbett on the August 8, 2019 podcast On Being uses the phrase “Limits of love”. 
 
Mr. Moore and Ms. Tibbett explore many of the questions I began asking at a very early age.  Sadly I do not recall many adults thinking my questions were legitimate.   One of the questions I constantly pondered  was the discrepancy between the mandate which was echoed by many who proudly proclaimed themselves as followers of Jesus to “love one another” and even “love your enemy” or “first pluck the log out from your eye”  and the myriad of justifications for limiting love.   In my mind (both as a youth and adult) love and respect were necessary correlates of one another.   Negative statements based on race, manhood, womanhood, nationality, amount of wealth, political party and a host of other social constructs did not make any sense to my limited mind.   Gender was not a social construct.  Manhood and lady were.   Manhood with a capital M posited as a superior, unemotional, wife beating, killing machine did not make sense to me because it is a social construct.   We are now aware that we can also make gender a social construct.  When a person is convinced that they have  genitalia which does not match the essence of who they know themselves to be then gender can be thrown about as a social construct.
 
As I grew to adulthood and had the option of an expansive reading list and an expansive “we” I discovered that the questions I had been asking about the limits or boundaries of love had been asked by wise people since humans began to document their existence.    These same people asked many questions about who we are as humans as well the nature and purpose of our relationship with each other and the rest of the universe. We are still asking those questions.
 
Science and scientific tools now allow us to measure the effects of isolation and using such tools as hate, resentments, racism, homophobia, sexism and a host of other social constructs.   Separating ourselves from the core of who we are, others and the rest of the atoms and molescules which comprise the universe(s) never has good results.  We limit love and, thus, connection because:
 

• We are fearful of some part of ourselves.
• We are fearful that unless we are more than we are less than.
• We externalize our fears and blame others.
• We are fearful because some part of our brain is not working well.
• We are fearful of closely examining the “truths’ which have been fed to us.

 
There is no cogent reason to limit love and respect.   There are reasons to keep distance at times; reasons having to do with limited capacity to hold on to one’s spiritual center when one spends much time with people who have little or nothing left to give.  One must monitor one’s expectations of what others are able to give back .  Some will not have anything to give back.  Mental illness, addiction, and a host of traumas may limit that ability. This does not mean one should limit love.  As far as I can tell wise, spiritual  people do not limit love.  They do recognize their own limitations  and do not blame these on others.
 
August 9, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org

​Emotional maturity
 
It would be ideal if all children were born to parents
 

• Who were emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy.
• Who could promise to stay alive until the grandchildren were grown.
• Who could protect  children  from physical and emotional harm.
• Who could guarantee that war, famine and other forces would not touch any child.

 
The reality is, of course, that conception does not  require that any of these conditions be met.   Many of us or perhaps most of us are born into messy  homes, communities and national situations.  We are also born with our own set of strengths and weaknesses.  Some parents will have an acute or choric illness. That illness may affect how we think and how we function.  We may have autism, a depressive illness, childhood diabetes or some other condition.    Our parents may also have chronic illness or other internal or externa conditions which prevented  them providing a safe home conducive to preparing children for adulthood.
 
By the time most of us need to assume adult emotional responsibilities we may find we not well prepared.  If not careful, we will blame our parents and spent the next 5 or 70 years feeling and acting like a victim. We may not have realized that all of us are going to reach adulthood needing some additional parenting.   It is up to that adult part us to finish raising that child within us.  This will require:
 

• Giving that child the unconditionally love needed to survive and thrive. (Symbolically setting that small child in one’s lap and assuring him or her one will be there for them no matter what.)
• Teaching them the emotional truths and skills/tools they will need to survive and thrive. (This may require the help of a therapist, mentor or others. Just as we would with a child we ensure that a way is found to make this help availabe.)

 
My experience has been that when I was ready to accept a teacher/mentor and the lessons they were willing to teach/share they were always  available no matter how inaccessible they seemed prior to that moment. 
 
If one does not stop to gather the emotional truths and tools one needs one will often find oneself feeding the lies and using the self-defeating tools one learned to use as a child.  Misery will pile on top of misery.  One may be further prevented from completing this parenting job by telling oneself that one is educated and should not need to spend time on such basic needs or skills. Other, less competent people might need to do that but surely a person with a Harvard graduate degree does not need to finish raising that child within oneself which is undeveloped. The truth is, of course, that indeed that Harvard post-doctoral student may be emotionally functioning at the 5-year-old kicking, screaming stage of life.
 
Emotional maturity is not a degreed program offered by expensive schools.  It is a state of being which one learns by finishing or continuing the self-parenting job.  That little child will not be beaten into submission.  We have tried this in our prison systems. We have tried this in some of our religious institutions.  It simply does not work.
 
We have to have a system for identifying and correcting the lies. We have to do the hard work demanded of both the child and the adult.
 
Written August 8, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
 
 
 
 
 
 

School
 
One of the August prompts  for the Safety Harbor Writing Circle was school.  Specifically “Did you enjoy or hate school as a child? What was the best part of the day, what was the worst part.”   A host of memories was triggered.  As is true for many people, I have a very large internal file cabinet labeled school.   This file cabinet has very little to do with the process of learning.  It contains  file folders labeled success, failure, stress, bullying,  and shame.  There are also folders labeled with names of teachers such as Mrs. Williams (Married someone and did not wait for me.  Imagine!), Mrs. Shepherd (just read, read, read no matter what you read), Mr. Holcomb (wealthy  because he drove a relatively new Chevrolet) Mrs. Cordiss (treated me with kindness but did not suggest college) and a few classmates such as Anthony, Fran, Charlene and Beverly.  Other classmates are labeled by size (8-foot-tall bullies).  There are also files labeled racism again Native American and Negros.   Later I would relabel some folders with newly learned terms such as sexism, homophobia, and redacted history.   For the most part school was a place where I learned that what I thought and felt was not important.   I was happy to learn some basic concepts but, for the most part, learning and school seems unrelated.  I do not recall many discussions; just memorizing facts that I later often learned were mere opinions or outright lies.    There was also church school to tell us how sinful we were and to warn us of going to hell if we persisted in  sinful behavior and sinful thoughts.  There was a disconnect between God’s purpose for us and the skills or information we were given in school.  Later courses in philosophy and psychology would help me begin to connect the two.  It was only then I heard a relationship between school and education.  In undergraduate school and later in graduate school there were opportunities to talk with peers and professors who challenged each other to explore how to use specific skills to create a more just and loving world. 
 
When I now talk to children some say school is an exciting place of learning and exploring new ideas, skills, and how concepts can play with each other.  For others it is a pace of not fitting in, not feeling important, and not being one of the athletic  or academic stars.  All too often the trip to and from school is  consumed with fear of being bullied.  Once in the classroom, many feel bullied by the teacher.  There are wonderful exceptions, even in the poorest schools where teachers and students often feel, on a scale of 1 to 10, stressed to a level of 12.   
 
There are many factors which affect the ability of the school to become a fun place of learning.  How schools are financed, the average stress children bring to the school experience, the stress of teachers who work two or three jobs, the time and energy of parents to create a home where learning is fun, special needs of students and a host of other factors affect the school experience; affect whether school is about education or memorizing facts. My friend is head of a local school for lower grades where teachers and students are encouraged to explore, ask questions and think about how the skills they learn will help them make a difference in the community and the larger world.  We adults need to continue to make this experience of school possible for all children and adults.

Written August 6, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org