,​“…If only we wish hard enough…”
 
The actual quote from which this title is taken is attributed to Sir James Matthew Barrie, 1st Baronet, a Scottish novelist and playwright, best remembered today as the creator of Peter Pan.
 
The full quote is “Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice anything else for it.”
 
You are not alone if you have dreamed of having the powers of Peter Pan.  Being able to fly, never having to grow up and having wonderful adventures seems like the ideal life.  Some of us may, at times, be convinced that we can have the impossible if only we refuse to grow up and wish hard enough. After all, being an adult and taking on adult responsibilities of caring for other, working 40 or more hours a week at a paying job, maintaining a home,  being a responsible community member and a dependable, self-sacrificing friend can be exhausting.
 
Perhaps some of us have convinced ourselves that even though we  are not Peter Pan and cannot actually fly we can get married, have children and still go out and play with our mates and possibly even have other sexual adventures without any negative consequences.  Perhaps some of us can convince ourselves that we will be the next CEO of the company we work for without having to do the hard work or even the politicking to achieve that goal.  Perhaps some are convinced that they can be a loyal, loving spouse and have another committed romantic relationship without hurting anyone.  Perhaps some are convinced that they are unique and they can end their life of active addiction without having to do the hard work of recovery.  Perhaps some are convinced that they can be the top student without having to study or to be concerned about listening to what a particular teacher/professor expects or thinks is important.  Perhaps some just know that they are naturally talented and they can become a world famous concert pianist without having to  practice for hours every day.
 
It is, of course, not unusual for our inner Peter Pan to pay a prolonged visit and even take over one’s very being when one is a privileged adolescent who is not living the life of a refugee or just surviving in a war torn country.  It is also not unusual for addiction or some other disease to take over while we are wandering around in our adolescent Neverland.    We may then suddenly find ourselves chronologically 25, 30 or even 40 and still waiting for our wings to be delivered to our front door.   Just like “Avon Calling” or the Good Humor person ringing their bell, it will happen if we just wait long enough.
 
Don’t misunderstand me. I think that dreams are essential if we are going to move forward.  Just this morning I again suggested to a client that she write down her dream  about a relationship and then write down how she was planning on getting from point A to point B.   I had previously suggested this at the beginning of July but she had not made the time to do this exercise.  I also suspect that she had not done the exercise because a part of her did not want to face the possibility that there might not be a way to get from point A to point B without sacrificing some important core values.  We may allow fear of the null hypotheses being true to prevent us from looking more closely at our dream to see if it is possible or whether we have to let this one go and  invite a new one into our thoughts.
 
It may be that once we determine that  we can – sometimes with help – articulate a plan for achieving our dream we then have to be willing  achieve small steps on a consistent basis.  I often think of how I manage to ride my bike up a hill.  I pick out a marker a few feet away knowing that I can reach that short distance. Then I pick out a new marker. Before I know it I have reached the top of the hill.  Every achievement has had me following a similar path and for others that I know. Whether the first step in making jeans is sewing them in a garage, writing that first sentence, signing up for one college course or going to one 12-step meeting with a somewhat open mind does not matter. What does matter is that we dream our dreams, formulate a plan and set small, achievable goals leading to the  realization of our dreams.     A woman with whom I had a close relationship found herself in an abusive marriage with two children, no education and no access to financial help. She saved pennies from the grocery money for three years to be able to leave. The day that she was to leave with the children her husband found and took the money. She started over and eventually left, got a job,  got an education and became not only a parent who could provide for her children but a leader in the community and the state.
 
We may not be able to fly but we can dream and we can take the risk of seeing what dreams are possible.  One step at a time we can claim our dreams while supporting others in their dreams.  
 
Some of us, if not careful, set a dream which requires the sacrifice of our core values.  We may achieve some material success, beat an opponent or show who is boss but we may have lost ourselves along the way.  Often we may find that what we thought was our dream was just an attempt to prove something to others.   In other words we may, if not careful, lie  to ourselves about our dream.   One may say our goal is to have a mansion but the real goal may be to prove that we are worth something. We may find the mansion is a very empty place to live.    On the other hand if one’s dream is to create a safe home for oneself and one family that is not only an achievable dream, but is consistent with one’s core values.
 
Starting from the heart, we can dream the seemingly impossible and step-by-step claim our dream.   Even Amazon has to do a lot of work before the drone can bring purchases to our house.   It may seem like magic when the drone arrives but a lot of people have spent a lot of time and effort to ensure that the treasure arrives via the drone at our doorstep.  
 
Written  August 9, 2017
 

​Grandma says: “If God had intended …”
 
Of all the wisdom which Grandma Fannie shared with  the many children, including us grandchildren, who gathered at her house, this was the most all-purpose or generic.  It could be whipped out or spewed forth to  seemingly cover anything that was uncomfortable, seemed silly or frivolous, or might, in her eyes offend the sensibilities of the pastor and, thus, God.  Surely if it offended the pastor who was, after all, the representative of God here on earth it was not something God intended.  
 
Thankfully, Grandma Fannie’s long  and fruitful life journey was ended long before cell phones, video games, hook-up apps, and activities such as sexting entered the lives of many young people and adults. One can only imagine Grandma’s reaction if one had been caught playing video games at the dining room table and, thus, not responding to the rather dull and repetitive questions of the host of adults who would gather for Sunday dinner or other events.   Thank God she did not live to see tattoos augmenting the beauty of  a carefully crafted wedding gown. Nor would she have done well if one had appeared in Church attired in shorts or other costumes which showed off legs, cleavage, and even more.  She would have quickly grabbed the offending person, wrapped them in a shawl, covered them with prayers and reminded them that God invented clothes for a reason. She might ask, “Did you not read about Eve and the apple?” Goodness knows what the apple had to do with bare skin, but none of us were going to be dumb enough to ask.
 
God also did not intend:
 
·      For any adult or child to admit to having sex.
·      For the mouth to be used for whining, complaining or any sign of the lack of gratitude.
·      For anyone to waste money on alcohol, expensive cars, or anything which was designed to “put on airs.”
·      For children to be open their mouths and offer an opinion.
·      To waste material which could be used to create quilts, hooked rugs, dish towels or other useful items.   After all if God had intended for material and other items to be wasted He would have invented bigger closet or other storage places.
 
I do not want to give the impression that Grandma Fannie was against new inventions, art, or more effective ways of delivering knowledge.  She had an extensive library for one of her economic status, a lovely collection of beautifully made dishes and every new Iris bulb.   She was not against planes, the telephone or even television (in moderation).  She loved that the Bible was so cheaply available and I think she really appreciated inventions such as the cream separator, indoor plumbing and kitchen equipment which made life a little easier.    Yet, she did not abide sloth, waste, laziness of mind, spirit or body, preening, showing off body parts which God intended to be kept hidden from everyone, broken promises, lack of gratitude, bullying (if God had wanted one to bully he would have made sturdier bodies or applied Grace to a select few). Truth be told, it did seem to me that the pastor was convinced that few were deserving of Grace and was the biggest bully of all, but I digress.
 
If God’s name or being was invoked in everyone’s house as often as it was Grandma’s house, He or She was one busy being. Just drafting and updating lists of what God intended and did not intend must have been a full-time job. I thought it a good thing that God had finished the creation in a mere seven days because keeping the list ahead of the ingenuity of we humans to be creative or engage in behavior which Her/She did not intend was a full time job.
 
Sadly, my very active mind was not always convinced that Grandma or the pastor was indeed listening to HIM or HER about what HE or SHE  intended. I secretly thought that perhaps the rather deep voice of Mrs. Smith, who was invariably using the party telephone line, might have been mistaken for that of HIM or HER.
 
Personally I am a lot less sure of what God intended.  I happen to be particularly fond of many of the technical gadgets although I must admit that they can hijack our lives which I am sure God did not intend.  I also am rather fond of some  of the tattoo artwork on the bodies of some young people although I am not sure God intended for aging, overweight bodies to display the now faded, unrecognizable designs.  I do love all the kitchen gadgets. My stand mixer, food  processor, microwave, apple peeler and other kitchen toys are rather efficient and much fun.  Yet, I am not convinced that God intended that we should be so focused on the task that we forget to show up while we are performing them.
 
Goodness me.  It does seem as if even this bit of advice so lovingly and frequently offered by Grandma Fannie does force one to slow down and ponder for a bit.  I wonder if that sneaky, wise, old woman knew this would happen!
 
Thanks Grandma Fannie.
 
Written August 7, 2017
 

​Just tell me the truth
 
I recall, as a child, our mother would often say to me and my siblings, “Just tell me the truth.  You know how much I hate lying.”
 
I have since learned, of course, that this statement is included the in the standard parent handbook which is secreted in a mother’s brain until the moment that they give birth.   This handbook is standard equipment which may be part of the genetic code which also ensures the development of the fetus. Research scientists have had a difficult verifying whether in fact this is the case since so much of the active parenting is done by the mother.  Yet, even when dad is the primary parent I have yet to hear a dad make this statement. Dad is more likely to announce the punishment for lying without any attempt to justify the ensuing punishment by an admission by the offending child.
 
Personally, I am not sure about my siblings, but I knew that our mother was herself lying. If one admitted to lying or  being the victim of the truth taking on an elastic quality totally unassisted by oneself, one quickly heard, “Why did you lie?  You knew that would make me more angry.”   I was not dumb enough to announce the truth which was, “I lied because I knew you would become a crazy, angry person if I told you the truth. The real question is what would make you think that I was dumb enough to tell you the truth.  What do you think should be your punishment for lying to me?”   No, I did not say any of that. I told another lie. “I don’t know.”  Of course I knew why I lied and surely she did also.
 
I did have lapses when I would sometimes blurt out the truth.  Once I said to my mother who was pregnant with my youngest siblings, “Why do you care if the baby lives. You are always complaining about how poor we are and how much we children make you unhappy.”   This was, in the words of former Vice President Gore, “An inconvenient truth.”    Current politicians who find climate change inconvenient  cannot hold a candle to my now deceased mother (or any other mother) regarding inconvenient truths.    “How dare you talk back to your mother.  You are asking for it now.”   (That response was on page 17 of the parent handbook. I once peaked and then lied about it.)
 
Actually, I knew better than to fall into the trap of responding honestly to any why question. “Why didn’t you do your chores?
“Truthfully, because I think that they are dumb and I did not feel like.  Besides you get angry whether I do them or not.”
 
Thus, begins our education in learning to  be future politicians, parents and spouses.   We even learn to believe our own lies.  Mother is replaced by our spouse, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends and teachers.  All insist that they want to truth. Yet, we know that the truth is they want a lie. Yet, time after time, we slip and fall into the trap of telling the truth.  Almost without fail, it was the wrong thing to do.  The other person wanted what our mother wanted which was a lie which is more artfully told than her lie.  
 
The other day client said to me, “What I told you happened did not happen.  I lied.”  I said, “Okay.”   He went on to tell me why he lied which, of course, I could have easily guessed.  We talked about the fact that we humans do get fearful of telling the truth because, truth be told, telling the truth will often lead to punishment. Seldom is truth telling rewarded. The one exception is in the context of the 12 step recovery program.  Those who engage with this program frequently are told, “ We are only as sick as our secrets.”   The reason for this statement is that we frequently believe that our secrets make us bad human beings and that we are worse than many or most other people and will keep people from respecting and loving us.   Living with shame is very stressful and will frequently lead to so much stress that a person with an addictive disorder will return to using to numb the pain of shame.  Invariably what the person with the secret finds out is that the person with whom they share the secret yawn and ask if that is all there is.   The person – frequently a sponsor in the 12-step program – knows that we are all human and we have all engaged in behavior of which we are not proud.  Recovering addicts also know that addiction is so powerful that one will do almost anything to get that next drink, other drugs, money, a sexual high or whatever one’s drug of choice.  The 12-step program also makes it clear that it is not always good to tell the truth to everyone. It might cause unnecessary harm to others. It is important to tell the truth to one and one other trusted person.
 
 I am not suggesting that we teach our children to lie. I am suggesting that if we think honesty is important most of the time, we should model that example. I am also suggesting that the issue often is not whether or not we are lying but our relationship with fear.   If fear is going to make our decisions we are going to become very untrustworthy people.   On the other hand there might be times when the fear is giving one accurate information.  It might not be advisable or safe to tell the truth.  In the case of the young man with whom I was talking  telling the truth allowed him to let go of much of the shame and to learn that I already knew he was as human as I.  In the future he is more likely to face his fear.
 
As for we parents and we health care professionals, we need to decide if we want to make it safe for our children and our patients/clients to tell us the truth.   Lying to them about lying is, perhaps, not helpful nor is it a secret that we are lying about the fact that it is safe to tell the truth.
 
Perhaps we could do some serious editing in the parent handbook!
 
 
Written August 5, 2017
 

​Sunday Musings – August 6, 2017
 
As I sit here thinking about the past week, in most respects it seemed to be, once again, pretty routine.  I attended a fundraiser for a recovery center, listened to a lead by a recovering man living in Charleston, South Carolina, lunched with two good friends who happen to be father and son, spent time with clients, attended three coining outs as folks finished a segment of their recovery journey, wrote, enjoyed time at the Frist Friday Artworks exhibition, attended a passionate and, thus, exciting performance of Godspell, attended another 12-step lead, and dined with three enchanting and interesting friends.  
 
Of course, I am also a citizen and was often a witness to the difficulty we humans have in deciding who is deserving to be in the “we.”  As soon as someone is included in the “we” most of us have no trouble thinking that “we” deserve good health care, respectful treatment, access to a good education, and an equal opportunity to be treated with respect by the so-called judicial system.  If one has a belief in some God of one’s understanding  all members of the “we” are deserving of the Grace/the unconditional love of that God of one’s understanding.
 
As I bear witness as a citizen or as if put on my anthropologist cloak I am forced to first bear witness to all those I exclude from my “we;” all those who keep flunking the exam I give them – usually in absentia.  This exam is a detailed vetting exam  which I apparently keep on the computer so that I can add or subtract various questions.
 
Listening to a rebroadcast of a 2015 podcast of  an On Being  conversation between Marty Catherine Bateson and Krista Tippett reminded me of the importance of working towards being both fully present and an observer.  These dual roles are most apparent in my relationship with myself.   It is interesting to me that in order to be observer I must be fully present or I must have a goal of being fully present.   This requires a non-judgmental honesty with myself which does not seem to come naturally.  Perhaps it did as a very young child, but I am not sure of that.  It is so much easier and it certainly seems more “natural’ for me to point out the faults of others.  Yet, given my background, in one ear I hear the chatting of such folks as Plato, Aristotle, Kierkegaard, Vera Britton, Mother Theresa, and many other wise men and women while simultaneously in the other ear I hear the chatting of all those voices within me which are critical.   When I allow myself to be fully present to both set of voices I am very clear about which set I want to follow although it may not be without the accompaniment of my whining about the unfairness  of life.
 
This week I have  been acutely aware of the fact that on certain days or portion of days I am not present enough to observe. I am much too busy cataloging the sins of those who do not live up to my standards.  I find this particularly easy with certain politicians and, at times, I seem to have no trouble doing this even with those I consider close friends.
 
On this Sunday morning I will hesitate before throwing the first stone at others or parts of myself.   Earlier this week I suggested to a man who was completing the first phase of his journey of recovery from active addiction to drugs that  he accept two tools from me -  a shovel and a sledge hammer.  The sledge hammer was for tearing down those walls which separate one from oneself and from others and the shovel was for cleaning out the space  within those walls of all the lies and negatives laying behind those walls. Of course, as usual,  the teacher was really the student talking to himself.  
 
I have collected a lot of loving support this week – enough for me to risk being both present and to non-judgmentally observe.  I will remind myself to be grateful.
 
 
Written August 6, 2017
 
 

​Home – “Creating an environment in which learning is possible.”
 
The title of this blog is borrowed from a statement of Mary Catherine Bateson’s during an October 1, 2015 conversation entitled “Composing a Life” between the host of  On Being, Krista Tippett and Mrs. Bateson.
 
Mary Catherine Bateson is Professor Emerita of George Mason College, daughter of Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, an author, anthropologist, linguist and a vibrant person who continues to be both a very active participant in her life journey and an astute observer of it.
 
There is much solid food for thought in this conversation and in her books. I, as usual, urge the reader to partake of the meal of this conversation.  During the course of the conversation she talks a lot about cooperation and not competition being more part of the natural evolution of all life and about how her parents and then she and her husband created environments for learning.  
 
It does seem to me that we are only truly alive when we are learning.  At least that seems true for this human and for many others that I know.  Thus, when Professor Bateson defined home as “creating an environment for learning” I thought about the fact that there are two primary approaches to learning; as a participant and as an observer.  Ideally, as with Professor Bateson and both her parents, one learns to do both simultaneously.   
 
When, however, one is thrust, at birth, or soon thereafter into an environment in which the focus is survival, often it is difficult, if not impossible for many of us to do more that survive with whatever tools seem to be handy.    Abraham Maslow suggested that one can then become immersed  in  taking care of basic physical and safety needs and does not, at this level of existence, have the luxury of considering the needs of others or become an observer.  Murray Bowen would go on to say that if we do not somehow learn differently we are destined to repeat the dynamics of our “family” of origin. In other words we never become an observer. We are just participants.
 
Many conditions and situations force one to live at the bottom rung of Maslow’s hierarchy.  These may include those who:
 
·      Live in a country actively at war.
·      Live  as refugees.
·      Live with people whose day-to-day life is controlled by mental illness (one’s own or that of another family member).
·      Live with people who have been taken hostage by active addiction.
·      Live with people where the medical needs or conditions are so acute that all or most of the attention is focused on that one person.
 
There are those individuals whose lives seem to place them in one of these situations who do manage to live on a higher  level of Maslow’s hierarchy by becoming an observer as well as participant.  Certainly the Supreme Justice Sonia Sotomayor and her brother are two examples of such a possibility. Despite their father’s addiction, their mother having to work the afternoon shift, living in the projects, and having to learn to give herself shots for diabetes beginning at age 8, she and her brother continued to not only learn but thrive.   I am at a loss to explain why some are able to do this and most are not.   Most get sucked into the survival mode and adopt the tools of the family of origin.
 
Many of us will be blessed with the opportunity of leaving the unsafe place where it is difficult at best to learn and are then able to  create an environment which encourages  or allows for learning.  Many of us can create a home even if we did not grow up in a home.  We do this by learning to become participant observers and learning new skills.
 
Twelve-step recovery programs, spiritual teachings, therapy, reading, writing, and podcasts can all help us learn how to create an environment for learning and growing.  In order to allow ourselves to use new tools/skills for creating a home one must:
 
·      Accept that the people with whom one might be biologically related do not have what we need. They are not bad people. The simply, for whatever reasons, do not have what we need.
·      With love – always with love –  set some boundaries.
·      With help and advice, trial and error, begin to create a family of choice who do have what it takes to create a home where learning can take place.
·      Nurture and be nurtured by that family of choice.
 
Obviously, this can be a slow, painful  process of acceptance without judgment  and trust that others can give us what we need.    Programs such as the 12-step program, some churches, and some other settings will be safe places to shop for that family of choice.  One cannot always trust one’s judgment and, thus, as soon as one has one other healthy person in one’s “we” one can get help in choosing one’s family of choice.     
 
Home may be just one person creating a safe place to learn into which one can invite other healing/learning people.  One may or may not live with other people, but one needs a family – a we. One needs a home. By becoming a participant observer one can explore how to create an environment for learning.
 
Written August 4, 2017
 

​This and then there is this
 
This:
·      At the federal level in the United States climate change is denied and programs to support cleaner energy and environmental concerns are being slashed.
·      At the federal level nastiness, mistreatment, cultural insensitivity, and rougher treatment of those accused of crimes are touted.
·      At the federal level, there is little support for public schools and concern about reverse discrimination.
·      At the federal level, there is “America (United States) First” and little support for interdependence with all other people in the world.
·      At the federal level, there is seemingly great support for increasing disparity between those who benefit from economic policies and those who do not.
·      At the federal level, there seems to be the belief that those who deserve it are able to get decent health care and only the irresponsible, lazy and unproductive are “choosing” to do without.
Then there is this:
·      Local, regional and state communities are committing more and more resources to creating cleaner energy and a more harmonious relationship with the environment.
·      Local communities are supporting programs to decrease bullying and teaching children the tools for empathy and compassion.
·      Local communities are exploring ways to be more supportive of public schools and, in some cases, creating charter schools such as one in Baltimore where children create programs such as The Steppers (see documentary soon) and teach the students the tools to dream big and how to realize those dreams.
·      In the local communities, there are programs such as the one in Boston – the mayor’s program to welcome immigrants.
·      In the local communities, there are pushes in many cities to raise the minimum wage and to create a community in which decent housing and other essentials are available to all its citizens.
·      Local communities and states are increasingly committed to supporting Medicaid expansion and free clinics.
 
If one does even a rudimentary search on the internet one can find many other examples of local, regional and state communities in this country who are actively committed to creating a more just world which honors the fact that long term we all succeed or none of us succeed.   Most of us “know” that if we mistreat one person it is going to cause a ripple affect which will always boomerang.  We know that the “six degree of separation” is not a myth.  
 
Programs such as the one designed and implemented by Liz Hofreuter and the rest of the staff at Country Day School to teach compassion, empathy and conflict resolution will bear enormous fruit.  Although this is a relatively tiny, private school Mrs. Hofreuter and the entire staff are committed to the wider community.  They want a safe, loving, cooperative, economically viable program for the children who are going to be soon assuming leadership roles in Wheeling and around the country.  The behavior of every student will touch many lives around the world.
 
Holding two seemingly opposing concepts in one’s mind at the same time may be a new exercise for some of us, but we humans have always been capable of doing this.  Actually, it is relatively easy because, of course, it is two sides of the same coin.  All people who are mentally and emotionally capable of being proud parents want the same thing for their children. They want their children to have a life free from violence and economic insecurity.    People may differ about how to get from point A to point B. Some may convince themselves that everyone who is deserving will have a good life, but at some level they know that addiction and other illnesses affecting how our mind and the rest of our bodies work affects every family.  They may hide this reality from themselves and others, but they do so out of fear.
Some may only be in the habit of thinking about “now” and not able to think about how decisions made now will affect children and grandchildren, but they can learn that it is safe to think outside of that small box of “now.”
 
If we are to continue to learn to work together or rather allow ourselves to be the social animals that we naturally are, then we must learn the art of balancing our passion with the knowledge that life is only two minutes long, that we are not in charge and our decisions and behavior cause ripples far beyond our little world; that it is safe to relax. Building a better world only occurs, paradoxically, as long as we put relationships and not tasks first. 
 
No matter what I am doing I am making deposits of energy – positive or negative – never neutral.   If I march for justice while ignoring the injured person lying in the street I fight justice with injustice.  Injustice never leads to justice even though, at times, it may seem as if that is the case.
 
This is this – much passion.
 
Then there is this – breath, relax, smile.
 
This + this =?  I suspect that love is always stronger than passive or active mistreatment/hatred/nasty tweets.
 
T + T = L    Every time?  Yes, I believe every time.
 
Written August 3, 2017
 

​“Nobody tells me what my policies are.”
 
While at the gym this morning I was listening to National Public Radio on the NPR app on my phone.  As usual, there was a lot of news which piqued my interest and much which made me sigh while I silently identified with the fact that we very creative humans can also have a very myopic focus when it comes to creating a community which honors the needs of all of its residents. One such example of the later was a quote of a governor in response to disagreements with the state legislative about some items in the budget.   (To be fair to everyone the disagreements between the governor and the state legislature are much deeper than the budget.) (The quote as stated in the title was “Nobody tells me what my policies are.”) My immediate question and thoughts were, “What?  I thought that the governor and the state legislatures work for the citizens of the state.”  To be sure there are a variety of citizens with a variety of opinions in this very populous state which encompasses one of the major cities in the United States and many farming communities. It cannot be easy to balance the needs, prejudices, and special interest groups who may pay for election campaigns and the beliefs of this cornucopia of citizens.  I have no idea of how one fairly balances the needs and desires of this diverse group of people. Yet, it is the duty of our elected officials to make an attempt to do just that.  Although the elected officials have a duty to come as close as possible to making decisions based on his campaign commitments, they also have a duty to take advice from the state legislature which represents the same diverse group of people.  Certainly, questions such as how to balance a budget when there clearly is not enough money to take care everyone’s needs and desires are complicated.  Decisions have to be made.  Aging infrastructure across these United States is a grave concern of many.  Educating the next generation of future leaders to be creative and just thinkers is enormously important.  Caring for those who are unable to function, those who have been replaced by robots and those who have been trained in other countries as well as those who we have determined should now live as long as humanly possible present challenges to the most creative and compassionate thinkers.
 
Yet, as the current campaign in cities such as Boston to stop mistreatment of people based on perceived differences such as religion or culture, demonstrate it is time to think in terms of “We the people.”   If one reads the Declaration of Independence one quickly is reminded that the pronoun “he” is most prominent in the first part of this document.  It is then replaced with the pronoun we.  The later part of the document says:
 
“And for the support of this Declaration with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.”
 
A song recorded by “A Tribe Called Quest” is entitled “We the People.”   The chorus of the song is which brings attention to the divisive message many are hearing is:
 
“All you Black folks, you must go
All you Mexicans, you must go
And all you poor folks, you must go
Muslims, and gays, boy, we hate your ways
So, all you bad folks, you must go”
 
Whether the message of eviction is overt or covert, the effect is the same.  We the people must decide the policies.  We the people must stand up for the rights and needs of all of us.  We the people is not the special interest groups nor the groups who directly and indirectly are advocating the delusional message of Aryan or white supremacy.  We the people does include those who are fearful of “the others.”  We the people does include the special interest groups whose addictions to power and money are by design exclusionary and narcissistic.  We the people must do our best to share our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.
 
It is interesting to me that there is indeed “nothing new under the sun.”  We have known this and other truths for many generations and, yet, often our fears take us far away from this base.  
 
It seems that one of the essential truths to which we always return is that which I have often quoted. It is the quote which is attributed to the pastor, Martin Niemöeller:
 
“In Germany, the Nazis first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I wasn’t a communist.  Then they came for the Jew and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.  Then they came for the trade unionists and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.  Then they came for the Catholics, but I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me."
 
We the people can and must decide the policies which distribute “our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.  “The solution for how we do it may not be easy or simple, but it is essential if we are to survive and grow as a nation.”   We know that we cannot “step into the same river twice.”  (Heraclitus)  We have tried to make laws based on the fears which are evidenced in our prejudices and our attachments/addiction. They did not work then and they will not work now.
 
“And for the support of this Declaration with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.”
 
 
Written August 2, 2017
 
 
 

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​Paying it forward while healing
 
I am blessed to be able to volunteer at a substance abuse/addiction treatment program. During the past week, some parts of this community have experienced acute flash flooding.  Several of the clients at the treatment program volunteered to donate hours of their time and muscle to those affected by flooding.  The help of these young men was invaluable. The young men volunteering experienced the opportunity of being heathy enough – free of their active addiction – to provide this very practical help as a gift.    
 
When one is in the grips of active addiction one often does not have the luxury of being dependable.  One might be helpful at times, but the compulsion to use will always trump the desire to be helpful to others. That is the nature of addiction.  It demands to be put first no matter what one’s core values and heart tell one.
 
The treatment program which these young men are attending is a great luxury.  Folks are able to take two or three months out of their lives to focus on learning and practicing the basics of how to reclaim their lives as compassionate, loving people.  For a lucky few, there is a residential treatment program. For others, it is an outpatient program which means that folks live in their own home or at a group home while attending the “classes” during the day five days a week.
 
Despite the fact that it is a luxury to take this much time just to focus on the early stages of healing/recovery, sometimes leaving the facility and assuming all the responsibility of partner, parent (in many cases), family member, community member and worker is a lot of pressure.  Suddenly, there are many demands on one’s time and energy.  While it may feel good to know that one is now ready to assume adult responsibility and to be seen as valuable, it can also be overwhelming.  
 
Fortunately, the director of the facility at which I volunteer is open to allowing the clients to volunteer on such community efforts as the flood cleanup.   By allowing the clients to decide if they were feeling strong enough to be helping out in the community, she avoided or at least minimized the risk of a client putting himself in a risky situation before they were ready. Of course, there is never a guarantee.  Because it is not a regular part of the program there was no obsession with liability and other potential risks.  The equation was very simple. Community need equaled community help.  
 
This lessons of this experience are many, but not new. They include:
 
·      We are at our best when we are sharing are time, love and talents.
·      We are at our best when we are given a choice of whether to give a gift.
·      We are all more than the labels which have been arbitrarily assigned to us. The residents of the program live with a serious, chronic disease. They are addicts. They are also community members, partners, fathers, uncles, godfathers, sons, carpenters, barbers, attorneys, doctors, students, social workers, mill workers, miners, farmers and all the other people who make up our community.
·      One size does not fit all.  We need programs which recognize the need to share various talents while also recognizing the serious nature of addictive illness.    Everyone is not ready to safely share their gift in the wider community.  Others will greatly benefit from being able to do so while in treatment.
·      While those responsible for treatment programs must be aware of the liability, possible law suits, the seemingly never ending need to “cover our ….” it is our primary responsibility to develop programs which honor the need for all clients and staff to reclaim and hold on to self-respect – their sacredness.    
·      The more programs allow for the flexibility to explore the strength and limitations of clients and staff the more effective they will be for many of the clients and the staff.
Written August 1, 2017
 

​The art of listening
 
The assignment this month for the writing circle was to practice listening and to write a story based upon a listening experience.  I just spent time at a coining-out ritual.    I volunteer at a treatment center for those addicted to various drugs.    Folks may also have other compulsive behaviors which are addressed during the course of treatment.   When individuals have completed the initial 60 or 90 days of treatment as an inpatient or outpatient, everyone in the program gathers to celebrate the work they have done.  A “coin” is passed around into which everyone symbolically places something they want to give the person to take with them when they leave.   Individuals may put hope, strength, faith, willingness or a host of other gifts. 
 
This morning I attended such a coining out. The young man coining out is a compassionate, bright, determined, and talented man. Yet, for years he lived in the prison of active addiction.   The staff and the other folks in the treatment program obviously have a lot of affection and respect for this young man.  The young man was clearly uncomfortable being on the receiving end of so many affirmations.
 
Sometimes when one has lived in the grips of addiction and knows that one’s addictive behavior has been hurtful not only to oneself but all the people whose lives one touched, one has a difficult time hearing compliments.  Often one experiences compliments as pressure to be perfect; to not allow one’s humanness to show.  That is not what those giving the compliments want the person receiving them to hear.  They want the person to hear that it is enough to be oneself. It is enough to trust oneself to do one’s best.  It is enough to be on a path to spiritual growth.
 
The others in treatment have been listening to this young man who is coining out with their hearts.  The young man coining out was listening to these compliments with his mind.   He does well in listening to others with his heart, but hears himself and others talking about him with his mind.  
 
When this young man listens with his heart he practices the art of transposing.   In other words, he listens not to the words, but to the pain, fear, loneliness, and longing which often lies under the words.  In music, if one needs to transpose a piece of music which is written in a certain key one learns to make the change to another key in one’s mind.  Now when one reads or listens to the music one can transpose the notes on the staff to the key in which one wants to play or hear the music.   So, it is with the art of listening. We can elect to listen to the stranger, our partner, child, parent or co-worker with our heart.  We can listen to the space between the words.
 
Earlier this morning I listened to the speech of a young man who, despite his stammering, is a public speaker. He has learned the art of talking from his heart which may both decrease his stammering and allow him to speak in public.   I heard not the stammering. but the courage to speak his truth in public.
 
Speaking our truth takes courage.  Listening to the truth of others takes compassion and humility.  
 
Grant me to courage to listen for truth with my heart.  
 
566 words
Written August 1, 2017
 

​Grandma says:  Expect Miracles
 
As a child, I was not at all clear about this miracle stuff. When Grandma Fannie said, “Expect miracles.” I was thinking that perhaps she might pull a rabbit out of a hat, that school would be cancelled, or that we would become as rich as our neighbors and get electricity and a television.  Later I thought a miracle would be if I suddenly grew tall, had broad shoulders, and no one at school would make fun of me or push me around.   I did, of course, know that in church the minister and the church school teacher would talk about Jesus coming alive again, but I did not think that even if that were true that it had any practical application to my life.    After all, a miracle should have some practical value.
 
As I got older, finished high school and became a member of the military if I thought about miracles at all,  I thought of being able to go back in time so that whatever mistake I had made or whatever I had done to make my chief angry could be undone.  I also thought of the potential miracle of getting an actual date.   Since I was slight of build, blondish and fair complexed even into my late twenties I appear to be no older than 10.    No one was at all interested in dating a 10-year-old!  
 
The first time I was introduced to the 12-step recovery program I was working with a Priest in the Yardville Youth Correction Center in New Jersey.  Even then a lot of addicts were being sent to prison (youth seemed to extend through the twenties and even included the mob folks who had their own wing of the so-called youth correction center).   Father Kenna seemed to know a lot about this AA program (I do not recall any mention of the NA or other 12-step programs) and insisted that it was important to introduce the prisoners to this approach to recovery.    I would often hear Father Kenna say, “Don’t give up just before the miracle.”   As I began to listen to the stories of those addicted to alcohol and other drugs I began to realize that all I thought about addicts was incorrect.   Some of the prisoner clients were bright, educated, kind- hearted people who seemed to have no control over the drugs once they started using.   I knew, of course, about nicotine but, in those days, smoking was still very acceptable by almost everyone including many of the chain-smoking doctors I knew or saw on television.  When Father Kenna talked about miracles he was talking about the miracles of reclaiming one’s life from active addiction and, thus, from that criminal behavior which was necessitated by the need to get more money to buy more drugs, pay the rent after one lost yet another job, or to feed one’s family.  
 
Later I was to learn that Grandma Fannie was well aware of how easy it was for we humans to get attached or addicted to power, money, careers, bullying, or a host of other behaviors which had no resemblance to the values which she was attempting to impart to her grandchildren and others.  She knew that life would often show up in the form of illness, job or career challenges, relationships challenges, storms, and other events which might tempt one to doubt that it paid to hold on to one’s values.  Certainly, economic hardships, mental illness, physical illness, tornadoes and other forces of nature had affected Grandma Fannie or those she cared about. Yet, she would say, “Expect miracles.”   I was thinking, “Sure!”
 
I did not begin to understand what she meant by miracle until Father Kenna and some others helped me see that no matter what was happening in my life or all around me I could experience the miracle of a helping hand, of a window opening where their seemed to be no light, of an opportunity to learn or grow, or a chance to learn the humility of trusting that it was enough to be human and to do one’s best.   
 
Many other people who had lived through war, survived refugee status, dealt with the loss of children or others they held close to their hearts showed me that one could love, laugh and celebrate the seemingly everyday miracles of new life, a simple meal, the magic of that seed or brown bulb knowing how to create something of beauty which might also feed me or some other part of nature, a smile or the simple joy of knowing that today one does not have to kidnaped and tortured by addiction to drugs, money, power, relationships or other forces.
 
Today, I am still learning and relearning what it means to not give up just before the miracle or to expect miracles.  Over the years I have come to understand the difference between sleight of hand magic which is fun and celebrating the miracle of being a tiny part of something bigger than myself.
 
Thanks, Grandma Fannie.
 
 
Written July 31, 2017