​School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 8 – week 10
 
These weeks pass really quickly.   This is the tenth week I have met with the eighth grade current affairs class.  Two weeks ago we talked about domestic violence.   Last week we talked about impressing our peers – especially our same sex peers – by allowing ourselves to get drawn into locker room talk which is generally about degrading the opposite gender.  This week if the students do not have more pressing concerns we will talk about acceptable and healthy ways to deal with emotions such as fear and anger.  As usual, the students were asked to engage their families in discussions about this topic.
 
Here comes the class now.
 
Me:  Good morning class.
 
Students:  Good morning Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  I hope everyone had a good week.  Are there any particular current affairs which someone wants to address this morning? 
 
No one raises their hand.
 
Me: In that case we will begin to talk about acceptable and healthy ways to deal with fear and anger.  What are the most common ways to deal with them?
 
Ann:  As we talked about two weeks ago there is a lot physical hitting in families.
 
Will: Throwing things.
 
Me: I will write these on the board just to remind us.
 
Susie:  Name calling.
 
Amena: Bullying.
 
Tom: Trying to control covers all of these.
 
Me:  Yes,  all of these are attempts to try to control aren’t they. What are some other ways to try to control?
 
John:  Telling lies about someone so that they do not have any friends.
 
Susie:  It used to be that women could not vote or own property.  In some countries that is still true.
 
Me:  Very good class.  Do we all agree that trying to control another person is never a way to deal with fear or anger.
 
Paul:  What if someone is in danger?
 
Me:  Well, yes, but it has to be immediate danger doesn’t it.   Certainly if we are taking care of a young child and it is about to get hurt by getting too close to a fire or jumping off of something high, we may need to physically restrain them.
 
Paul:  Even with a big person if they do not see some danger we might grab them.
 
Me: That is true. Are there any other times when we might use physical force?
 
Tom: Sometimes the police use physical force when someone is causing trouble.
 
Me: That is true.  That is an important point which might be worth talking about as a separate issue.  We seem confused about what we want the police to do to protect people from hurting themselves and others. For today, let’s stick with violence in the home.
 
John:  What if someone in the family is mentally ill or high on drugs Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  Good point.  Let’s review what we know about physics.
 
Ann: Physics?
 
Me:  Yes.  A basic law of physics is that all things have to balance.  If someone in the family is fearful, angry, high on drugs, or mentally sick and other family members are calm, then the family system is off balance.  The options are what?
 
Paul:  Oh yeah!  We talked about this before Uncle Jim.  The family system can be balanced by everyone getting angry or fearful. It can also be balanced by the angry or fearful person leaving.
 
Susie: What happens if the rest of the family does not join the angry or fearful person and no one leaves?
 
Paul:  Then the angry or fearful person would have to be get calm.
 
Me:  Excellent Paul. I am impressed that you remembered that discussion.   Do you want to illustrate it on the board?   Paul you illustrate the angry or fearful family member and Susie you illustrate the rest of the family.
 
Paul and Susie spend the next few minutes having fun with their drawings and which show very clearly the options for restoring balance in the family.
 
Me:  Great. Now let’s talk about what we can do if we are the one who is angry or fearful.
 
Ann:  In our family we can wait until the weekly family meeting or ask for an emergency meeting.
 
Tom:  We have a wall in the family room where we can draw or paint our feelings and then talk about them.  We can put good feelings there also.
 
Susie:  I write in my journal but If I am really upset I scribble my anger or fear.
 
Amena:  I talk to my big sister.
 
John:  Usually I try to pretend as if it is okay but my dad always knows something is wrong.
 
Tom: When I am upset my mom makes hot chocolate and says “Let’s talk.”
 
Will:   In our family we ask for time out if someone gets mad when we are having a discussion.  
 
Ann:   When I am angry it is usually because I cannot do something I want to do and my parents suggest time out until we can all discuss.
 
Me: These are great ways to deal with fear and anger.   It sounds as if all the family members in each of your families have agreed to the following:
 
(I write on the white board.)
 
      No hitting, throwing things, name calling or hurting of self or others.
      Respecting the feelings of the person who is angry or fearful – not making fun of them.
      Offering some positive options such as writing, drawing, and time out.
      Discussing the issues calmly and lovingly when everyone is able to do so.
 
Tom:  Sometimes it is really tough not to stay angry.
 
Me:  Yes.  Say more about that Tom.
 
Tom:  When something is really important or seems really important and I cannot do anything.
 
Abdul:   When something really bad happens to a relative in the war in my home country I get really angry.
 
Me: What is the rule in your family for dealing with that anger Abdul?
 
Abdul:  To not take it out on family members or even the family dog!
 
Me: It sounds as if the family is understanding of the anger as long it is not displaced on other family members. Does everyone know the term displaced?
 
Class: No
 
Me:  Displaced means that if I am angry at X or myself and I express my anger at Y.  For example, if Paul got really angry at me and instead of telling me started being mean to his sister Sam.  He would be “dis- placing” his anger at me onto Sam.  
 
Goodness, the hour is nearly up. Great job again.  I am so impressed with all of you.
 
Ann: Can we have cookies next week Mr. Jim?
 
Me: Does everyone want cookies next week?
 
Class: Yes!
 
Me:  Okay. I will bring cookies.  How about for next week we discuss what job we want the police to do?   Let me quickly make copies of that assignment.
 
I do so and then ask Susie and Tom to pass out the slips.
 
Me: Have a great week.
 
Ring!  Ring! Ring!
 
Written October 17, 2016

​Sunday musings.  What tribe are you? 
 
Many in the United States when asked this question might think only in terms of tribes of indigenous people of the United States, Mexico, Canada, Australia, Africa or other countries.  Some young folks familiar with social media, especially dating sites, might think in the broader terms of those groups of people with whom they might most identify.  In this sense a tribe might be geek, outdoors, sports, or some other identifiable group.  Perhaps we could also use the word community or more specifically work community.   Then, of course, there are the political tribes of conservatives, liberals, independents, or in this election cycle in the United States, one has the Trumpites and the Clintonites.   
 
As is true for many thoughtful people in the United States and around the world, I have been thinking a lot about the tribe of what is being called “the establishment” in this election cycle of the United States.   In my mind all of the political candidates are members of the establishment if the terms imply those who have power.   Despite his claim that he is an outsider, Mr. Trump   brags about his wealth and the way he has used the system to insure that his often failing business practices resulting in bankruptcy were purely a business and not a personal loss.  He has, according to him, used the system to get wealthy without having to pay taxes.  To me this sounds like an insider to me.  The Clintons who allegedly left the White House broke have a bank account which affords many luxuries.   In fact, the house they occupied upon leaving the White house broke cost more that several houses of anyone in my tribe.
 
Obviously I am having a difficult time understanding the defining characteristics of the tribes of insider and outsider.  Yet, many, including many in the Appalachian region where I have recently returned to live, clearly identify with Mr. Trump as an outsider and, thus, one who they can trust to restore their tribe to its rightful place of respect.   Who is this tribe?  Here in Appalachia it clearly includes coal miners, steel workers and others who have seen not only jobs being cut as alternative energy becomes more possible amidst concerns of global warming and other countries taking over the manufacturing role with cheaper labor.  It also includes all those retired coal miners, steel workers and other chiefly union members, whose promise of a lifetime pension and health care for them and their families is being rapidly taken away.  To many it seems as if the term stolen can be accurately used to describe the loss of these hard earned rights.
 
For many others, including professionals who might seem to be part of the establishment because they have not suffered such acute financial loses as many of the union workers, perhaps the loss is more about a way of life and a value system which seems to be the glue which held their tribe together.  For them Mr. Trump represents the non-establishment which has “torn asunder” the building blocks of the tribe.
 
Ruby Sales and others remind one that those who feel as if their worth has been systematically stolen from them are in acute pain.
If we are not attending to this pain we are missing the point and, thus, inviting further anger and civil unrest.
 
I was listening to National Public Radio this morning.   Here in West Virginia one of the programs which airs on Sunday morning is Inside Appalachia whose staff this morning were looking at the lives of coal miners in West Virginia from the vantage point of the lunch bucket.   Caleb Johnson, a teacher and writer in the Philadelphia area, talks about his dad’s lunchbox which held not only lunch and emergency first aid but emergency food in case of an accident which trapped his father and other coal miners.  The lunch box also was the symbol of taking care of family, of having a sense of purpose, of have a sense of community with whom one spent more time than nuclear family.  
 
I recall living and working in Southeast Alaska in the Tlingit Indian Community.   Pieces of their culture and heritage had been step-by-step stolen from them. It was stolen by destroying the written history of the Totem Poles, taping the mouths of kids shut if they tried to speak their native language, “helping” to rebuild after a fire by putting little individual homes in neat little roles and doing away with the community houses and organization of the community, destroying the land and the animal life with whom the Tlingit’s had a sacred relationship. When I lived there the Tlingit’s could not reclaim what had been stolen and were not part of the white community. Even the white community included various tribes – the pioneers or old timers, the ones who could not function in the lower 48, the ones who came for an adventure, the ones who came to civilize the natives and a few others.
 
For many years now, some (mostly white and some few others) have had more ability to travel and even to move, to run from cities and then later return to reclaim them from those who they had left to rot and decay. They had gained fences and other borders to shut out what they did not want to see or hear.  They made attempts to build new communities along the highways of the internet stopping at Facebook, match.com, LinkedIn, Instagram and many others.   Yet, many still feel isolated, left out and as if they are to be tolerated but not included as part of the establishment.
 
We are searching for a new sense of community with whom to work, struggle, and celebrate.   Perhaps some will find it in the inner city intentional communities. Perhaps some will find it the architectural common areas being built into the very expensive high rises now taking over the downtown of many cities. Despite the inclusive proclamations and ordinances, a half million dollars for a few feet of downtown condo does not feel very inclusive or like a sense of community.  Perhaps we will find it in the Panera’s or the new shared office spaces for those of us working from home. Perhaps it will be in the gym which many cannot afford to join or which are not close to where the live. Perhaps.
 
The sense of tribe is important and unless we take this need seriously we are doomed to continue to duke it out verbally or even physically not only in the United States but worldwide.
 
I am reminded of the childhood story of the little engine. We best decide “I think I can. I think I can.” I do think we are bright and creative enough to create a new, inclusive community but only if we more accurately name the issue.
 
Written October 16, 2016
 

Truth?

Dedicated to Mary Karr and Krista Tippett who shared a conversation on On Being, October 13, 2016

The truth is seldom hanging out

in plain view as if it were only

encased in the red blood cells 

which mostly exist without

organelles.

Life would be so much clearer

If only truth were not hanging out

protected by membrane, endoplasmic

reticulum, Golgi apparatus, lysosomes,

mitochondria, nucleus, peroxisomes,

microfilaments, and microtubules.

I mean really!

It is as if an audience with the truth

requires first knocking on the doors 

whose names one cannot even pronounce.

Much like HIV it hides inside the cell behind

the fog of our fears, hopes, and the pus of

our shame.

Yet, we know some parts of what is so carefully

protected.

We know the pain of growing up under the dark 

cloud of addiction and being told it is a rainbow.

We know that our buddies, our brothers, our sons,

our daughters died in war or if “lucky” came home 

with missing limbs, hopes and minds.

We know that because we believe our vision must be 

Imposed there are dead bodies washing up on shores.

That many of our children will not make it to the refugee camps and wait to be called a terrorist just because … 

John reports Jesus saying, “The truth shall make you 

free…”

In many families, schools, churches, business’s we are 

told that we imagined the drunken waving of guns, the

threat of prison, and the withholding of health care so 

someone can make a profit!  

The lies masquerades as the truth.

Yet, hidden deep inside is that kernel which promises

freedom to trust.

We did not imagine. 

We are not the crazy ones.

Like an onion we must peal back the layers to find

The freedom to trust

To be

To love.

“Shall we stone the prostitute?” asks the disciples of  

Jesus.

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Each arm is weighed down with their private burdens.

No arm can move.

The truth?

Written October 15, 2016

​“I don’t know.”
 
Pico Iyer who traveled with the Dalai Lama for eight Novembers, says of the Dalai Lama, “And the one thing he said every day that most seemed to give people reassurance and confidence was, “I don’t know.”
 
Pico goes on to say, “The opposite of knowledge, in other words, isn’t always ignorance. It can be wonder. Or mystery.  Possibility.  And in my life, I’ve found it’s the things I don’t know that have lifted me up and pushed me forwards much more than the things I do know.  It’s also the things I don’t know that have brought me closer to everybody around me.”
 
Siddharth Pico Raghavan Iyer, known simply as Pico Iyer, is a British-born essayist and novelist of Indian origin, best known for his travel writing and to many of us for his wise sharing on such programs as “On Being” and his Ted talks such as the one from which I just quoted, “The beauty of what we’ll never know which was filmed in June 2016 at TEDSummit.”    
 
The Dalai Lama does not just say, “I don’t know.”  He offers a quiet, spiritual way of being present to an ongoing journey.  Pico Iyer treats not knowing as a new possibility or a mystery to be unfolded.  He tells many stories of walking into the unknown and finding a new friend, a new way of looking at something such as life itself or a new way of approaching a problem.
 
After listening to Pico Iyer’s Ted talk I had the opportunity to explore a technical issue with a computer trouble shooter and then later an opportunity to talk with someone who was “explaining” to me why something had not happened. In both cases, I was fine with the person to whom I was talking not knowing the answer, but frustrated with the list of reasons why they did not know or blaming the issue on someone or something else.   What I wanted to hear was, “Let’s problem solve or get someone else to problem solve and find a new way of approaching these issues.”  For me that is always an encouraging response.  
 
It is my goal to first notice if I am focused on being disappointed or frustrated with myself for not knowing something and then to refocus on exploring solutions.  Sometimes the solution is acceptance of a particular situation or the result of what seems to be the best solution.  For example, one of the solutions to one of the computer issues is to guess when the new operating system was installed and then restore the computer to the old operating system causing me to lose any work I have done and not backed up between the two times. I can just accept that is what I will have to do and then step-by-step do what I need to do regarding lost material.  Other options include:
 
      Continue to explore possible fixes without changing the operating system.
      Focus on the fact that I have talked to some delightful individuals living in various locations.  Some of my closest friends and mentors resulted from such “chance” encounters.
      Keep the issue in perspective.  Many people in the world would be delighted at having their most frustrating issue of the day a computer issue.
 
I could make a very long list of what I choose to call blessings which have come out of not knowing something and having to go on a search for more knowledge or exploring a door which opened as a result of not knowing.  
 
Some of us have had the experience of being told that we were stupid, bad, incompetent or worthless because we did not know something.  We may have come to believe that we need to lie to ourselves and others for not knowing and/or using up a lot of energy beating up on ourselves for now knowing.   
 
When someone as spiritually wise and well-known as the Dalai Lama says that “I don’t know.” he is showing people, by example, that it is okay to be human – that the journey is indeed what is important and not the end goal.  He is demonstrating that it is okay to not know and that it takes great courage to simply say that. He is saying that all learning starts with not knowing.  I am sure that the reason folks are so comforted is that they are reassured that it is okay to not know – that they can be deserving of love and respect if they do not know.
 
Just the other day I had this inane conversation with someone who insisted that the only way something could have happened was X.  I know for a fact that X did not happen because it would have required me to log into my Apple account with a different password than I did.  I can only log in using my email and password or by changing my password.  If I had changed my password, I would have had to use the new password while talking to the person on the phone. I did not. I used the old password.   I felt as if I needed to defend myself. The “expert” to whom I was talking could not allow herself to say that obviously what she thought and had been taught to be true 100% of the time was not true.  That was a simple answer which could then led to exploring some possibilities which the company staff had not considered.   A few days ago I was talking to someone else who said that X did not exist. This involved a record of incoming revenue from a third party.  Of course, all companies have to keep a precise record of all incoming revenue. The size of this company meant that it is regularly audited. This would be a part of the revenue.   The person on the phone insisted on telling me that the information was not recorded anywhere in the company.
 
My lessons in these experiences were:
 
      See these experiences as a mirror for what I may sometimes do – at least be open to the possibility of a mirror.
      Be intentional about practicing saying “I don’t know.” 
      Use not knowing as an opportunity to learn or to explore new possibilities. 
 
All this sounds very simple and very basic.  Yet, I “know” that I need the reminders from such gifted and generous teachers as the Dalai Lama and Pico Iyer.  It is not only safe to say I don’t know; it opens doors which always lead to the possibility of a richer life.  
 
Written October 14 2016
 

​Tony Soprano as a Buddhist?
 
Some of my readers will recall a television program entitled “The Sopranos” which starred Tony Soprano, his family, other business associates and business competitors.  There was also the psychiatrist Tony often went to see. What I remember about Tony was:
      He was a business person.
      He could be a very loving family man.
      He could be ruthless in his treatment of others who did not behave as he needed them to behave – other members of The Family or enemies of the family.
      He was head of an illegal organization.
      Even though his behavior was abhorrent some of the time I, for one, liked him and would have gladly had him and his family over for Sunday dinner.
This morning I was, no surprise, listening to a Ted Talk while at the gym.  The talk I first chose to hear was by Rodrigo Canales and recorded in October 2013.  Professor Canales is an associate professor of organizational behavior at the Yale School of Management. “There, he researches the role of institutions in entrepreneurship and economic development.  More specifically, he focuses on how individuals can change organizations and systems – how their backgrounds, professional identities and roles affect how they relate and act in business.”  In this Ted Talk to which I was listening he gives a brief overview of the partnership between the business model of the violent drug cartels in Mexico and the consumers of their products. In addition, he briefly talks about the social services which the members of the cartel often provide to the citizens of the community in which they are functioning.  He also gives an overview of organizations which grow a fragile product which only grows in certain climatic conditions, harvests it, refines it and gets it to market in a relatively brief time resulting in a profit of close to 60 billion dollars, thus rivaling the profit of Microsoft (2013).
 
If the mission of an organization is to insure that it produces or brokers a product which is in high demand and gets it to customers quicker and more efficiently than its competitors, and does whatever else is necessary to insure a very good profit the narcos and cartels are to be applauded.  Sadly, there is also a lot of collateral damage including the death of those that get in the way of their success and the death of many of those who use the products.  In fact, the number of deaths related to these business enterprises rivals that of those killed in the war raging in Syria (I was not able to fact check this statement by Professor Canales).
 
Obviously to be this successful one has to:
 
      Possess brilliant business skills.
      Be able to turn on and off one’s natural human connection to others.
      Be willing to see collateral damage as a necessary part of achieving one’s goal.
      Be willing to instill a fierce loyalty based on respect, fear or both.
      Be seen of willing to take care of family until they quit acting as family should act.
      Be attached to direct and indirect power, i. e. power of money.
 
If, for a moment, we ignore the fact that so-called legitimate business enterprises in the United States do not condone or participate in the direct killing of one’s competitors or others who get in the way (unless one is a military contractor or sub-contractor such as Blackwater), these are the defining characteristics of many successful business enterprises in the United States.  To be fair, there are also business enterprises in the United States with very different characteristics. On the whole, however, the goal of many business enterprises in the United States is to make money and using a small fraction of that money to support the arts or charity organizations (often serving those who the particular business enterprises had helped to create the pool of clients the charity serves).
 
It is the intent of Professor Canales to open our minds to the fact that a simple us-them approach to the narcos, cartels, and consumers has not and will not be effective in lessening or stopping either the trafficking of drugs or the use of them.   In other words, Professor Canales is one of the growing list of experts who is challenging us in the United States to acknowledge that the so-called war on drugs is not and will not be effective.  This war on drugs assumes an us-them mentality not only for the narcos and the cartels but for those who purchase and use drugs.  Sadly, this voice has yet to be heeded by the majority of those with the power and authority to make changes.  It is true that, thankfully, there are an increasing number of programs which are alternatives to sending drug addicts to jail/prison. There is evidence that when there are quality treatment options available many of these programs are more successful than prisons/jails.   We continue, however, to think of all those involved in the drug trade as the bad men and women and the users of drugs (addicts) as weak and less then and marginally redeemable.  The rest of us are the strong, upstanding, productive citizens who accept only “necessary" collateral damage to the workers who cannot get with the program and keep focused on the bottom line.
 
What is the answer or answers?  The answers may lie with the Tony Sopranos whose psychiatrist has connected him to his Buddhist soul – his true self.  I mean really, think about it.   Here is this brilliant entrepreneur with more talent and skills than many, who is not going to turn his (her) attention to a mission which does not support collateral damage and whose God is not money or power.  Tony now uses his organizational and creative skills to find a way to feed many people without destroying the environment and without the need to prove one’s worth by first getting rich and then using that money to help those who lives are a symptom of the collateral damage. Tony new extends his concept of family.
 
Although some of this writing may be tongue in cheek, I am also very serious.  Many times I have worked for/with those individuals who began their entrepreneurial career as drug dealers and users only to later use those same skills to run companies which served other needs and did so in a way which strove to eliminate or at least minimize collateral damage.
 
There is in many of us – perhaps all of us – a Tony Soprano. There is in every Tony Soprano a potential Buddhist.  The question then becomes how are “we” going to work together to create a less destructive stage for our shared journeys.
 
Written October 13, 2016

​“All things work together for good…”
 
As a licensed counselor I often work with or for individuals who are making use of a 12-step recovery program – AA, NA, GA, OA, SAA or one of the others based on the same 12 steps.  If one reads their literature or attends a 12-step meeting one might hear that one often has to reach rock bottom before taking that leap of faith to explore a life free of the dependence on alcohol, another drug, food, sex or something else outside of oneself.  What is rock bottom for one person might seem like “not too bad” for another person. Rock bottom becomes the beginning point for a much better life.    I, too, have discovered what initially seemed like an acute negative event has become the start of a new, exciting and positive chapter in my life.  
 
Knowing this does not keep me from feeling frightened when it seems as if the bottom has just fallen out of my life. I may have discovered that the person I was hoping to grow old with has been seeing another person for some time. It may be that my closest friend has died. It may be that I have had to leave a job where I had planned to remain until retirement.  It may be that my closest friend has decided that they can no longer be friends with me.   It may be that I had made careful plans to make major changes in my life and something has happened that makes it impossible to forward with my plans or resume my life as it was.
 
As a young man I was sure that each rock bottom occurrence was because of some failing or weakness in me. I would suffer through the event all alone and pretend that all was okay.  At the same time, I expected friends to comfort me without having to ask for support or tell folks the nature of the problem or situation. At another stage in my life I sort of fell apart and expected someone to somehow super glue the pieces together again.   In more recent years I have let friends know that I am having a difficult time and could use some support.  I know now that I have to be very clear about what I want or need in the way of support.  I used to give very mixed messages such as, “Well, if it is convenient it would be okay if ….”  That response did not elicit much support.
 
Even though I still get anxious when a major event does not go as I had planned or when I am grieving a loss, I trust that, at some point, there will be a new beginning with new opportunities.  The new beginning will not necessarily lessen the grief but it will open new doors. I also know that it is safe to allow others to support me without needing them to rescue or adopt me.
 
Every part of every chapter of my life is related to events in the past – positive and negative. Without all of those events I could not be experiencing the rich life I now have.
 
It does seem true, “All things work together for good …”
 
Words 550                     Written October 10, 2016

​ 
School Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 8 – Week 9
 
Another week with top headlines of hurricane damage, political campaigns, and much ongoing fighting in the world.   Last week we spent some of the time in this class talking about concerns related to the hurricane.  Then we briefly talked about domestic violence.  This week the assignment was to come prepared to talk about acceptable ways to deal with emotions such as fear and anger. As always, it will be interesting to see what the young people have to suggest after talking with their families.
 
I can hear the students coming now. The bell announcing the start of class is about to ring.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Me:  Good morning class. I hope all your extended family members are safe.  Is there anyone who still does not know if a family member is safe?
 
No one says anything. 
 
Paul:  Everyone is safe. It has been fun having my Mamma and Pop here, but I will be glad to have my room back.
 
Me:  It was nice of you to give up your room for them.
 
Does everyone remember what we are to discuss today?
 
Will:  We were to discuss acceptable ways to deal with such emotions as fear and anger.
 
Me: Thanks Will.
 
Will:  My parents were talking about something Mr. Trump said about locker room talk and suggested I ask if we can talk about it in this class.
 
Me:  Let’s see if anyone is willing.  It certainly is related to the discussion regarding domestic violence. It is also related to how some men talk about women with other men.     I had a feeling that this subject might come up. The incident which Will and his parents are talking about related to a 2005 video in which Mr. Trumps talked about women as if they were objects just to be used.  Mr. Trump is reported to have responded to the reports of that conversation by saying:
“You described kissing women without consent, grabbing their genitals,” moderator Anderson Cooper said. “That is sexual assault. You bragged that you have sexually assaulted women. Do you understand that?”
“I don’t think you understood what was said,” the Republican nominee replied.
“This was locker room talk,” Trump said. “I am not proud of it. I apologized to my family and the American people. I am not proud of it. This is locker room talk.”
In the comments revealed Friday, Trump said he would “just start kissing” beautiful women without waiting.  (Copied and pasted this from the October 9, 2016 Huffington Post)
 
Will, correct me if I am wrong but this was the context of the question about locker room talk.
 
Will:  Yes, Mr.  Jim.  I am not sure what adult men talk about in the locker room. I know that sometimes in the boy’s locker room other boys will talk about girls being easy or something and we know it is them just running their mouths.
 
Me:  Sadly, Mr. Trump is right in one sense and sometimes guys try to impress other guys by talking about females as if they do not respect them.  This is often done to impress other men.   My understanding is that girls and women may talk about how sexy some guys are but a lot of their talk is saying nasty things about other girls.   Perhaps some of the girls can comment on that.
 
Susie:  That is true Mr. Jim although my friends and I have made a pact to help each other not do that.
 
Amena:  In our culture we sometimes talk about what we want for women but it is not polite to “what do you say, diss other women.   We might giggle about cute guys.”
 
John:  I do not think my dad would talk bad about women.  My mother is a woman and he loves her.
 
Me: What I have noticed is that if I am talking to one man at the gym in the exercise area or in the locker room where we shower and dress, most men say nice things about women including their girlfriends, wives, sisters or women with whom they work.  As soon as another man is close enough to hear our conversation the other man might start talking trash about his wife or other women.  Does everyone know what I mean about talking trash?
 
Girls:  Yes Mr. Jim.
 
Ahmena: What is this trash talking Mr. Jim.
 
Susie:  That is when someone says how fine someone is or how mean someone is. Trash talking is talking in a way we would not talk in public.
 
Amena:  Okay, I think I understand. In our country women have to stick together because women are still treated as less than men.  Some women are different.
 
Me: We could spend a lot of time talking about how we learn to treat men and women differently which is related to our talk today but let us stick to what Mr. Trump meant about locker room talk.  When men talk badly about women to other men who are they trying to impress?
 
Ann:  They are trying to impress other guys. In fact, my mother said that guys spend most of their time trying to impress other men.
 
Paul:  Is that true Uncle Jim?
 
Me:  Actually, according to all the study results I have read, that is very true.  We guys worry a lot about what other men think.   My understanding is women also worry about what other women think. Women can be very critical of each other.
 
Tom:  Does that mean that most men are gay and most women are lesbian?
 
Me:  No, I do not think it has anything to do with who we want to date or who we are romantically attracted to. It just means that it is easy to allow other people to decide if we are okay or not.  For we guys it can seem important that we pretend that although we are attracted to women we do not really like or respect women. 
 
Abdul: That seems pretty dumb Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  I think it is.  The question Will’s parents probably wanted us to address is whether “locker room talk” trashing females is okay.
 
Paul:  I would not like it if someone was trashing my mother or sister.   What about my Mamma? That would be terrible.
 
Me:  Well, guys the question is whether it is ever okay to trash women anywhere including the locker room just to impress other guys.  The larger question is whether this has any effect on how we treat women outside of the locker room.
 
Will:  My parents did say that we should not talk bad about anyone, even in private.
 
Me: What about the question of impressing other guys?
 
John:  I thought the goal was to always be proud of ourselves no matter what others say.
 
Me: I think that is a wonderful goal. That is not always easy is it class?
 
Class: NO!
 
Susie: That can be very difficult Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  Yes it can.   So while it good to apologize if we fall into the trap of trashing others, is it okay to excuse it by saying, “It was just locker room talk”?  If it is not, how should we respond if it happens.
 
Paul: You do not want us to say bad things to other people.
 
John: Should we just hit the dumb person?
 
Me:  No, I do not think that it is ever okay to hit someone or treat someone mean in any way.  What if we said in a very kind way, “I am really uncomfortable talking about girls or women in that way.” 
 
Tom:  The other guys might call you name like …
 
Me: We do not need to repeat the names here but what do we do if someone calls are names?
 
Abdul:  Turn the other cheek?
 
Snickers are heard from several.
 
Me:  Okay, settle down. I get it. In the locker room everyone is getting dressed or undressed.  Abdul did not mean that cheek! Very funny!
 
It can be very difficult to say we are offended or that we are uncomfortable with that talk.   It is a little easier if we know that another boy or man is going to also speak up. The more we support each other the easier it is.   Sometimes it feels safer to just not join in the talk and not say anything.  That might be a good start.   How about you girls. Do you think it is okay to talk trash in the locker room?
 
Susie:  No, I do not want other girls talking trash about me or my sisters.
 
Me:  We are nearly out of time, but it sounds as if we are saying that it is never okay to blame bad behavior on someone else or to suggest that everyone does it. When we say it is just locker room behavior we are essentially saying that that it is okay since “everybody” does it.
 
Will:  Would this make Mr. Trump a bad president Mr. Jim?
 
Me: That is a question to discuss with your family. All of us who are old enough to have an opinion need to decide which candidate is the best.  All candidates have some negatives and positives.  Which one is best for the country at this time is a very important question.
 
Goodness. This hour passed quickly.  Next week we will talk about some acceptable or healthy ways to deal with emotions such as fear and anger.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring!
 
Me:  Thanks. You are also such good thinkers. I am so proud of you.  Have a good week.
 
Written October 10, 2016

​School  Bells – Current Affairs – Grade 1 – Week 9
 
I have just wrapped the cookies I baked yesterday to take to the first grade class with whom I meet once a week to discuss current affairs. My adopted niece Sam is also in this class and her brother, Paul, is in the 8th grade class with whom I also meet once a week to discuss current affairs.  Initially the students shared their concerns.  We have discussed many of those.  Lately I have been assigning topics for them and their families to discuss – topics which are closely related to the concerns they have brought up.  Last week the topic was friendship. We began, however, by discussing our concerns about those affected by Hurricane Matthew.  Relatives of some of the students were directly affected.  Fortunately everyone they or we knew were safe although some lost homes and all their possessions.
 
This week I had asked the students and their families to talk about what they think the story, “The Wizard of Oz” is about.   I am eager to hear what they have to say. 
 
Here they come now.
 
Me:  Good morning class.
 
Class:  Cookies, cookies, cookies!  We want cookies.
 
Me:  Apparently someone in this class has some organizational skills.  Perhaps we have a future CEO or even a President in this class!
 
Class:  Cookies!  We need cookies!
 
Me: Okay!  Sofia and Susie will you please pass out one cookie to each of your hungry classmates!  You can have another cookie at the end of class.
 
Class: Yea!
 
Me:  Okay, now that we have that out of the way does anyone have any special concerns.
No one raises their hands.  
 
Me: I hope that we are still thinking about some ways to help those who lost everything in the hurricane.
 
Steve:  Our family decided not to have desert for a month and donate fifty dollars to the families.
 
Tara:  All the people in our block are having a giant yard sale and giving the money to a church who is buying things to take to people.
 
Sam:  We are having a cookie sale after church next Sunday and donating the money to help.  Uncle Jim we have to make a lot of cookies.
 
Me: Sam, we will make lots of cookies. Wow!  I am so impressed that all of you have been so generous.  
 
Okay, let’s talk about the Wizard of Oz.  First, let write the characters on the white board.  You shout out the characters and I will write them down.
 
Sue:  Dorothy
 
Tommy:  Toto the dog
 
Steve:  Aunt Em and Uncle Henry
 
Susie:  The mean neighbor Mrs. Gooch
 
Me: Mrs. Gulch.
 
Sue:  The sheriff
 
Sam:  Professor Mar…
 
Me:  Marvel
 
Ahmes:  The wicked witch of the East and the wicked witch of the West.
 
Tommy: Glinda, the good witch of the …
 
Me:  The North I think.
 
Steve: The little people
 
Me: The Munchkins
 
Sam:  The Scarecrow
 
Me:  What does the Scarecrow want Sam?
 
Sam:  A brain.
 
Tommy:  The Tin Woodman or the Tin man.
 
Me:  What does he want Tommy?
 
Tommy:  A heart?
 
Me:  Yes, he believes he does not have a heart.
 
Ahmes: The Cowardly Lion who wants courage Mr. Jim.
 
Me:  Very good.  Who else?
 
Sam:  The Wizard who lives in Emerald City.
 
Sue: Can the yellow brick road be a character?
 
Me:  Sure.  Let’s write it on the board.   So, who wants to tell the story.
 
Steve:  Well, Toto bites the mean neighbor.
 
Tara:  The mean neighbor calls the sheriff and wants Toto killed.
 
Sam:  Dorothy runs away with Toto and then the professor tells her Aunt Em is sick and she has to return home and the storm comes and she hides from the storm in her bedroom when she gets home.
 
Sue;  The tornado picks up the house and drops it on the wicked witch of the East.
 
Tommy: She is smashed.    The wicked sister tries to take the ruby slippers but the good witch gives them to Dorothy instead.
 
Tara:  The good witch, Gleen or ..
 
Me: Glinda
 
Tara: Oh yeah.   Glinda tells them to follow the yellow brick road to the Wizard of Oz who might be able to help them get home.
 
Me: You students are doing really well.  Did you read the story or watch the movie?
 
Steve:  We watched the movie. 
 
Sam:  We had to read the story again and then we got to watch the movie which we got from the library.
 
Me: Does anyone remember who wrote the story?
 
No?   The book was  called The Wonderful Wizard of Oz  by Frank Baum and was first published in 1900.   The movie was not made until 1939.  
 
Steve:  Were you born yet in 1900 Mr. Jim?
 
Me:  No, I was born in 1940.
 
Susie: You are really old Mr. Jim!
 
Me: Yes. I am 76.
 
Me:  What happens when Dorothy, Toto, Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Woodman get to Emerald City?
 
Sam:  The meet with the Wizard.
 
Me: What happens then?
 
Tommy: The Wizard gives them what they want?
 
Sue:  I thought he told them that they had what they wanted.
 
Me:  Yes, you are right, Sue.  Dorothy had the power to get back to  Kansas.  The Scarecrow already has a brain. The Tin Woodman has a heart and the lion already has courage.
 
Steve:  The slippers were magical!
 
Me: Yes.  When Dorothy clicked her heels while holding Toto she was soon back in Kansas.
 
Steve:  Just like Star Wars Mr. Jim.
 
Me: Yes, it was. What can we learn from the movie?
 
Ahmes: My dad and mother said that when we wanted to leave Egypt and come to the United States we did not think we could do that, but when we started thinking we could we found a way.
 
Tommy:  I used to think I could not do well in school but now I am doing well. I am like the Scarecrow. I do have a brain but I did not think I did.
 
Sam: But we cannot do anything we want.  I cannot click my heels and visit Mamma and Pop Pop in Florida.
 
Me:  That is true but if you and your family save money by not buying all the things you want then can you drive or even fly to see them Sam.
 
Sam:  That is what Paul said.   Will I ever be as smart as Paul?
 
Me: You already are but Paul has had longer to study than you Sam.
 
Me:  Do we all have courage even though we get scared?
 
Sue:  I was scared to come to school because I was afraid  everyone would make fun of me because I am in a wheelchair but my parents made me come. That is what they said. They said I had the courage and they were proud of me.
 
Steve:  Not everyone can do everything Mr. Jim.
 
Me: No, I will never be a professional basketball player, opera singer or lots of things but it is not because I am dumb or am lacking in courage.  I am short.  I am not a good singer and I am too old to do some things, but there are a lot of things I can do.  The Scarecrow was not asking to be a lion.
 
Tara: The Tim Woodman could not become a scarecrow either.
 
Me: Very good.  We are still going to be us but we are all smart in some ways, can have a good heart and can have courage. We do not have to look elsewhere for it.
 
Sam: You always make up feel good about ourselves Uncle Jim.
 
Me:  And you students make me feel good about me. 
 
Sam and Tara will you hand out another cookie?
 
The hand out the cookies which are quickly consumed.
 
Me: Here are the slips for next week.  Susie and Steve please hand them out.  Between now and next week I want you talk with your families about why we make fun of each other and why some people bully others.
 
Susie and Steve hand them out.
 
Ring!  Ring!  Ring   
 
Have a very good week.
 
Written October 11, 2016 

​The beam in our eye

In the Christian bible, the Gospel according to Matthew, Chapter 7, 3-5 states:  
3“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Daily most of us hear, read about or are confronted in our personal and professional life with the devastation, cruelty and horror of alcohol and other drug addiction.  Many of us also increasingly have to face the reality of the ease of the internet to feed sexual addiction.   Whether on line, at one of the many locations for obtaining various state run lottery tickets, local casinos, race tracks or other venues gambling addiction is woven into the fabric of the life of many.  It seems as if addictions to alcohol, other drugs, sex, and money are sucking the life force from our families and communities.  It takes our time, energy, money, legal system and jails.

The so called war on drugs has been pitifully ineffective. (See Johann Hari’s book, Chasing Scream for an excellent history of the war on drugs and the reason it could not have worked.) Slowly that has been acknowledge and there are a more alternatives to incarcerating people.  For a select few this has been much more helpful than the expensive legal options of trials, prisons and probation/parole. Yet, daily we continue to read about the availability of new street drugs or new lethal combination of street drugs. Daily we read about the death of our sons, daughter, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, nephew, nieces, and other neighbors.  We seem to be at a loss to stem the speed at which addiction steals life as we knew it or wanted it to be.

“Far From Heaven is a 2002 American drama film written and directed by Todd Haynes and starring Julianne Moore, Denis Quaid, Dennis Haybert and Patricia Clarkson.”(Wikipedia).  It is the story which takes place in the 1950ies of this “perfect” family – executive husband, community involved mother, black maid, lovely parties and respectability.  As the movie unfolds, however, alcohol abuse, sexual identify issues, infidelity issues, anger, and racism is revealed.  There is nothing perfect except the poster.  Healing cannot begin for any of the characters in this film until all the secrets or open wounds are revealed and addressed.

In Matthew’s account Jesus is stating that we need to  look at our own issues before we try to address those of our brother. Perhaps, just perhaps, he is on to something.   How is it that we have so narrowed our sights to see only a very limited range of additive behavior?  Perhaps we need to take another look at how we understand addiction.  We think of addiction to a behavior or a substance such a food, alcohol or other drugs.  While it is certainly true that there are physiological changes in the brain as a result of using certain drugs. There is also a strong possibility that some addictive behavior is the result of a basic physiological problem which precedes the particular addiction.  Many addicts begin by using certain drugs, substances  or behavior to avoid dealing with parts of themselves or their history.  

Wanting to avoid or escape ourselves seems to be a desire or behavior which is limited to humans.   Only humans, as far as we can currently determine, often adopt a belief that it is not enough to be us. We look to avoid ourselves by numbing ourselves out or we look to prove that we are enough by accumulating power, money, things, or achievements.  We seek to be better then or more than in order to prove our worth.  We may even convince ourselves that we are superior and, if we do this well, we may earn the label of narcissist.   Although we think of narcissist as the overly confident person, at heart  he or she believes that they have to be more than in order to be admired if not loved.  There is an article in the current issue of Psychology Today by Rebecca Weber entitled “The Real Narcissist” which quotes  Craig Malkin the author of Rethinking Narcissism: “What all subtypes of narcissists have in common …is self enhancement. Their thoughts, behaviors, and statements set them apart from others, and this feeling of distinction soothes them, because they’re otherwise struggling with an unstable sense of self.”  (Psychology Today, October 2016, p 57).  Although this has certainly been my experience in working with those who are labeled as narcissists, it is good to have my professional experiences and observations confirmed.

If I am accurate and most addictive behaviors begin as an attempt to avoid ourselves and/or to prove our worth than it would seem that most humans are struggling with addictive behavior.   If we include an attachment to or the seeking of money, power, sex, food, things, looks/the perfect body in an effort to prove our worth we are talking about a very large segment of the human race.  One of the many things which I appreciate about the 12 step program (AA, NA, OA and others) the goal is to come to the same acceptance of self to which the Buddhist or some Christians strive.  In fact, in most religious or spiritual practices the goal is to be honest about and accepting of who we are as humans. The paradox of course, is that the more we come to accept ourselves the better we function individually or as a member of the community.  

The question then becomes, if the above is accurate: How does this understanding helps us reduce or overcome the addictive behavior including that addictive behavior which is so immediately damaging to the health of the individual addict, his or her family, and all with whom he or she comes in contact?   We might as a start consider the following:
•    Quit pretending as if those currently struggling with addiction to alcohol or other drugs is essentially different and that we cannot understand him or her.
•    When someone is engaging in behavior which is dangerous to self or others make it easier to admit them to treatment.
•    Treat addiction as the chronic illness that it is.
•    Begin to teach daily spiritual practices of honestly, openmindedness and willingness to grow, learn and change very early in life. Accept that many parents are incapable of doing this and teach it in school (call it ethics, spirituality, r or whatever).
•    Address the danger of violent video games.
•    Become partners with children in exploring difficult issues and questions.
•    Deal with underlying fears and not external behavior which may be attempts to mask or avoid the fear.
•    Address issues of community and national addictive behavior.   Reread books such as  When Society Becomes an Addict by Anne Wilson Schaef (published way back in 1988).  Drop the belief that our children will learn by what we say as a society and not notice that is not how we behave as a society.
•    Decriminalize all drugs and close many of the prisons. Quit blaming drugs and recognize that if our goal is to avoid ourselves we will always find a way to do it. There are always others who will deal with their belief that they are not  enough by accumulating wealth, power, etc. by growing, producing or manufacturing ways to do so.
•    Last but not least start working on taking the beam out of our eyes and give ourselves the gift of clear sight.

Written October 9, 2016